Pirate Radio (2009)

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WOMAN 1 ON RADIO:
Are you sitting quite comfortably?

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Then I'll begin.

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MAN 1 ON RADIO: And the Home Service
will be on the air at 6:45,

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with a market report for farmers.

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MAN 2 ON RADIO: No, no, I'm the treasurer
of the Picnic Committee.

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WOMAN 2: The treasurer?

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MAN 3 ON RADIO: Answers, please.
Not to me, but to our producer.

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Cheerio! See you next week!

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-Good night, Dad.
-Good night, James. Straight to bed.

10
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-Good night, Mum.
-Good night, James. Sleep tight!

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Off with the lights now, please.

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It's 9:00 at night
and the dull dudes on the planet

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are sitting in their slippers
sipping their sherries,

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but the people who love to rock and to roll

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are ready to ride
the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more.

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You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm
the Count, and I'm counting on you,

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as we count down to ecstasy
and rock all day and all of the night.

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(ALL DAY AND ALL OP THE NIGHT PLAYING)

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-How much longer?
-No time at all. There she is.

20
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Where she is?

21
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There she is.

22
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-I'm here to see Quentin.
-Come, come.

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(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

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QUENTIN: Enter.

25
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-Carl?
-Yes.

26
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My favorite godson.

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-Have we met before?
-I don't think so.

28
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No. There was a lost decade,
so I always have to check.

29
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-How's your mum?
-She's fine.

30
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Not over-fond of me at the moment.

31
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She's a very attractive woman.

32
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-(CHUCKLES) Well, l. . .
-No, seriously.

33
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I mean, to you, she's your mum,
but to people of my age,

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she's a sexual legend.

35
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So. . .

36
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Expelled?

37
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-That's right.
-What for?

38
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I suppose smoking was the clincher.

39
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Drugs or cigarettes?

40
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Well, both.

41
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Well done.

42
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Proud of you.

43
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So your mum sent you here in the hope that
a little bracing sea air would sort you out?

44
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-Something like that.
-Spectacular mistake.

45
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But, if you don't drown, we can at least help
you to give up smoking and drug-taking.

46
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I just have and I feel so much better for it.

47
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Cigarette?

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(LAUGHS)

49
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No, thank you.

50
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Spliff?

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Excuse me, everyone.
Could I introduce Carl, my godson?

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Welcome aboard. I'm the Count.
I must be obeyed.

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It's an honor.

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Hi, Carl.

55
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Don't miss Simple Simon's
Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.

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That's why I just said that.

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Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.

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Hello there.
I'm John, News and lnformation Gathering.

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Hi, I'm Felicity.

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-I didn't think girls were. . .
-I'm a lesbian.

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Who cooks.

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-Of course.
-Have a piece of toast.

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-Could I have a Mars?
-Don't touch those, I've just arranged them.

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Do you. . . Do you know what a lesbian is?

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-I do.
-Fun times, eh?

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FELICITY: Anyone, toast, toast?

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I'm Thick Kevin.

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-Your delightful roommate.
-Great. I'm Carl.

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-Cool name.
-Why Thick Kevin?

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-I don't. . .
-It's 'cause he's really, really thick.

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This is, of course, Dave.

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Wow .

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Big, but very beautiful.

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Welcome to the Boat of Love.

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ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: You know,
if God were a DJ , he'd be on this station.

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Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence.

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(SCREAMING)

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And that was the sound of someone
who missed last Sunday's chart show.

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ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Don't go mad
and shoot yourself in the head.

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Listen to Simple Simon's show. . .

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Why am I queuing up my own records?

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While I was swimming,
I passed by a squirrel.

83
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I just broke the knob off the record player.

84
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Let's do it right now. I'm busting for a wee.

85
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A small knob. I like it.

86
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I said, "Mr. Squirrel,
why are you swimming on your back?"

87
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Voila!

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"Well, I swim on my back
to keep my nuts dry."

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I'm on fire! All right, I'm out.

90
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You're probably still at school,
it's 20 to 3:00.

91
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Or you might be bunking off,
in which case, good on you.

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-Carl?
-Yes.

93
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-How you doing?
-Quite good, thank you.

94
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-Are you nervous?
-A little bit.

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-Come over here. Yeah, come over here.
-There?

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Come on.

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Welcome. Turn around.

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Now get the fuck out.

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(LAUGHING)

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SIMON: Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun
starts here. We're ready. . .

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-We're ready. Gather 'round.
-Steam, steam, steam, steam.

102
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Okay, so the teams are Dave and the Count

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versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin.

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CARL: Okay?

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Don't worry, it's not because
I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin,

106
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it's just a nickname.

107
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That's right. So, who wants to go first?

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-Wanna guess?
-COUNT: I'll guess, fine.

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SIMON: All right, who's going? Big Bad Dave.

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SIMON: No looking.
30 seconds starting from now!

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Easy. Your president.

112
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-What?
-Your president.

113
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-Lyndon Johnson.
-Yes!

114
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-He wrote Oliver Twist.
-Charles Dickens.

115
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Go, go, go, go, go, go!

116
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Lovely. Lead singer of The Rolling Stones.

117
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-COUNT: Mick Jagger.
-Yes.

118
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-Is a spy, 007 , yes!
-Bond, James Bond !

119
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And the actor who plays.

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(IMITATING SEAN CONNERY)
"Hello, I'm James Bond."

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-DAVE: The actor who plays 007 . . . Yes!
-Sean Connery.

122
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-Quickly, quickly. Time, time, time.
-Hello, I'm a Beatle.

123
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-I'm one of the Beatles.
-Time, time, time, no, no, no, no.

124
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-That one doesn't count.
-That was gonna be good.

125
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SIMON: That's 6 to 0 .
COUNT: I feel good about this one.

126
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-COUNT: Forget it now.
-Well, all right.

127
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Ready to rock.

128
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Okay, the thing about Kev
is you gotta think outside the box.

129
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-Think outside the box.
-He's ready to rock.

130
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SIMON: Forget about the box.
JOHN: Thirty seconds from now!

131
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COUNT: Go! You can do it.

132
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It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.

133
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COUNT: Fucking genius.
He's just nervous.

134
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KEVIN: Not so much a hat.

135
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Something that's at the top of a coat
and attached to the coat

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and covers the head, but is not a hat.

137
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-A hood?
-Yes, and now first name, type of bird.

138
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-It's a something hood.
-Robin Hood !

139
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(ALL EXCLAIMING)

140
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Why didn't you just say he lived in
Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?

141
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Yeah? What? Who are you talking about?

142
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Robin Hood.

143
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-I didn't know that.
-JOHN: Counting down.

144
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Right, hang on, no. Tricky one.

145
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SIMON: lt's like he's having a stroke.

146
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Nice guy.

147
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-Nice guy?
-KEVIN: Yes, very nice guy.

148
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-(LAUGHING) Really nice guy.
-CARL: ls that it?

149
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No. Has lots of friends. Has long hair.

150
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Ah !

151
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-Jimi Hendrix?
-No, much older.

152
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-No shoes.
-(LAUGHING) I know this.

153
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Nice guy, has long hair,
doesn't have any shoes.

154
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KEVIN: Think about it.

155
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-Must be. . .
-It's like watching a baby drown.

156
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Wore a dress.

157
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-Dress?
-Wore a dress!

158
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This had better not be Jesus.

159
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-Yes, Jesus!
-Obviously!

160
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Rock on !

161
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Why didn't you say he was the Son of God?

162
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Was he?

163
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Now, there is one final matter to discuss.

164
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-Pirate radio.
-MAN: Goodness.

165
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-In whose department does this fall?
-That would be me, Prime Minister.

166
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What's the plan, Sir Alistair?
They're very popular.

167
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And they're not actually
breaking any law that we know of.

168
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We're going to shut them down
within the year.

169
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They are a sewer of dirty
and irresponsible commercialism

170
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and low morals.

171
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PRIME MINISTER: lndeed.

172
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-Very well. I leave it in your capable hands.
-Thank you very much, Prime Minister.

173
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Thank you all.

174
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Full news again in one hour with me,
John Mayford. Till then, this man.

175
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This was the deal.

176
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I asked all of you to demand of me
to do a very foolish thing,

177
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and you sent in ideas in their millions.

178
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,126
But one idea has defeated them all,

179
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so I'm proud to announce I will soon be
the first person to say the "F" word

180
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,510
on rock 'n' roll radio
in the United Kingdom of Great Britain.

181
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:22,847
But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain.

182
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But also, perhaps, to educate a little.

183
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:29,187
Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies.
When you drop a bomb, many die.

184
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:31,231
If you hit a woman, love dies.

185
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:35,151
But if you say the "F" word,
nothing actually happens.

186
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:39,781
So here it comes.
Especially for you, the "F" word.

187
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(MAKING "F" SOUND)

188
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First, though, this very fine piece of music.

189
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:49,916
(HANG ON SLOOPY PLAYING)

190
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,001
-You can't do this.
-Why not? lt's just a word !

191
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,712
Charming thought,
but here's the simple situation.

192
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,589
The authorities already dislike us.
If you do this they will hate us,

193
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,883
and by hook or by crook,
they'll find a way to close us down.

194
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,594
They can't close us down. We're pirates.
That's why we're sitting out here

195
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in the middle of the freaking ocean.

196
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Believe me, they will find a way.
Governments loathe people being free.

197
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:09,853
Okay.

198
00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:12,355
(ALL BOOING)

199
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,316
Okay, I'm thinking about it.

200
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,114
(CLEARS THROAT)

201
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:25,160
My dear comrades, I have some sad news.

202
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:28,413
The powers that be have decreed
that the "F" word is a word too far.

203
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:32,625
But at least for now, even though our
dreams of freedom have died a tragic death,

204
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,086
the Hollies are still alive.

205
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:37,964
Thank you.

206
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:41,050
I don't know why you did that.
I was just gonna say "fuck" once.

207
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,510
You know, one tiny little "fuck."

208
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,429
There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."

209
00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:46,723
Yeah there is.
You should ask Angus' girlfriend.

210
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:47,849
(ALL EXCLAIM)

211
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,227
Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small
it won't fuck us up.

212
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,147
One day, in a world of dreams,
you'll be able to say "wank"

213
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:58,318
or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio.
But "fuck," never.

214
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,403
-Excuse me, my Lordship.
-Yes, Harold?

215
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,239
HAROLD: You've left your mike up
in the studio.

216
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:06,201
(ALL LAUGHING)

217
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,370
So I have.

218
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,372
(LAUGHING)

219
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,084
I do apologize to everyone out there

220
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:22,884
for the four. . .
Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?

221
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,720
The Hollies will continue undisturbed.

222
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,974
I'm so sorry about that, Quentin,
but you know,

223
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,936
I thought you sounded good.
You have a lovely voice for radio.

224
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,354
Fuck off.

225
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,190
That makes it six, Quentin.

226
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:40,610
It couldn't have turned out better,
in my opinion.

227
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:47,325
Right. Good morning, good morning, good
morning, good morning. Please sit down.

228
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,788
Pirate radio stations.
Good, good, good, good, good.

229
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,542
Now, I have told the Prime Minister that
we will shut them down within 1 2 months.

230
00:13:55,626 --> 00:14:00,713
As you will see, sir, they're not in fact
outside of the law at the moment, sir.

231
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,884
Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr. . .

232
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,427
-Fredericks.
-Fredericks.

233
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,137
You see, that's the whole point
of being the government.

234
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:13,142
If you don't like something, you simply
make up a new law that makes it illegal.

235
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,229
-Speaking of which, Mr. . .
-Fredericks.

236
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:17,397
-Fredericks.
-Yes, sir?

237
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:22,694
I think we might also start working on
legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.

238
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:27,323
-You don't like it, sir?
-No one likes it. Apart from blind people.

239
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,285
And I'm sure even they can sense
its profound ugliness as it passes by.

240
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:31,744
I'll give you a day to deal with the hair,

241
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:34,330
and a fortnight to deal with the pirates.
Goodbye.

242
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:37,417
Miss C , as I suspected, totally useless!

243
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:40,003
-Send me that clever new chap!
-Certainly, sir!

244
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:43,339
I have a job for him.
We have some damage to do.

245
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,051
Good morning, everybody. You're listening
to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show

246
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,762
on 203 meters in the medium waveband.

247
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:54,767
You're one of 23 million people
listening to the Boat of Love this morning.

248
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,228
Looking forward to Saturday?

249
00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,607
-What's Saturday?
-Saturday! Sensational Saturday!

250
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:01,733
(EXCLAIMS)

251
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:05,486
As you may have noticed, there are,
unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,

252
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,989
-apart from Felicity. . .
-FELICITY: Hiya!

253
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,408
. . .who is of the lesbionic tendency.

254
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:15,455
But every second Saturday, each DJ
is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.

255
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,457
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

256
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,461
So, any idea who'll you'll invite?

257
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,047
God.

258
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:28,343
Presumably there's a sort of presumption
that there'll be. . .

259
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,845
-Sex, of some sort.
-Every time.

260
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,805
ANGUS: Yeah.
CARL: Then no.

261
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,850
I've spent my life at all-boys' schools.

262
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,645
The closest I've ever come to a snog

263
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,231
is when I was once licked on the face
by a horse.

264
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:45,360
-Sounds good, actually.
-ANGUS: A horse?

265
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:48,821
I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son.
I would seriously like to help.

266
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,365
I will put my mind to it.

267
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,951
-Miss Peacock.
-How are you lined up, eh?

268
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:58,456
-Well, her name is Daphne.
-And she likes the bearded man.

269
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,750
-She does, indeed.
-With a tiny knob.

270
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,168
Whatever.

271
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:05,088
I've got a tiny knob, actually.

272
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,674
But I rather like it.

273
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:11,052
It means I can wear smaller underpants.

274
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,642
Don't know what that means.
I didn't understand any of that.

275
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:19,143
What about other. . .

276
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:23,189
Who's that guy up there?
I haven't met him yet.

277
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,733
QUENTIN: That is Mark.

278
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:29,737
He's the sexiest man on the planet.
Hardly ever speaks.

279
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:33,408
Not even when he's broadcasting,
which is interesting.

280
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,577
So that's Midnight Mark.

281
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:42,625
(TELL IT LIKE IT IS PLAYING)

282
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:55,972
Thanks.

283
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,647
Wow .

284
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,151
Now. . .

285
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,279
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

286
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,204
-You not got anyone?
-No. No, not today.

287
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:23,666
I guess I'm really. . .
I'm looking for that "one true love" thing.

288
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,711
-Really?
-Yeah. Yeah. Big time.

289
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,590
-You dig the dream?
-I dig the dream.

290
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,675
Yeah, it's a good dream.

291
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,136
-Here they come.
-Here they come.

292
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,804
ANGUS: There they are!

293
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,139
Wow .

294
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:41,976
Wowzer.

295
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,982
(ALL CHEERING)

296
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,195
Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey.

297
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,365
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

298
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,701
I wanna sleep with them all !

299
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,999
-Hi.
-Welcome aboard !

300
00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:11,506
ANGUS: Do a twirl !

301
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,680
I need a big drink.

302
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,682
I agree. Let's leave.

303
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,962
(GIRL LAUGHING)

304
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,468
Right, hurry, up the steps.

305
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:03,266
Do you mind if I call you guys by the same
name? Twins can be very confusing.

306
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,226
(GIRLS GIGGLING)

307
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,566
This is actually a very interesting book.

308
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,484
-Is it?
-Yes, it's. . .

309
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,028
My father used to collect woodpeckers.

310
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,905
-Really?
-Yeah ! No.

311
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,742
No, my father was an architect.
How about you? What did your father do?

312
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:26,247
Well, he had sex with my mum and then
left without leaving his name or address.

313
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,999
-No.
-Yeah.

314
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,084
-No!
-It's cool.

315
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,129
I. . . You don't miss what you've never had.

316
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:40,595
Nothing planned, you guys?

317
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:42,471
-No, no.
-Well, yes.

318
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:46,767
Another very quiet afternoon
for me and my sex life.

319
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,439
The sad room.

320
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,107
(IMITATING CRYING)

321
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,276
(SIGHS)

322
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,777
Come here.

323
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,447
I've come to get you
out of your predicament.

324
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,615
What predicament?

325
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:04,660
The whole sad act. No girl,
unused pencil-sized penis predicament.

326
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,788
That predicament.

327
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,832
Walk this way.

328
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:14,295
Don't walk that way.

329
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:17,798
-No. Walk woodpecker way.
-Well, I'm just gonna. . .

330
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,805
Okay. Okay, it might work.

331
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,058
But one, it's morally wrong.

332
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,143
-Well, I mean, is it?
-Yes.

333
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,356
And two, it might not work. ln which case
I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world.

334
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,192
All this is true. But on the other hand,

335
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,861
it could be the best five minutes of your life.

336
00:20:38,987 --> 00:20:39,987
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

337
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:44,659
You hear that? That's destiny knocking.

338
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:46,452
Get in there.

339
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:48,663
Sorry, girls. Sorry, Mum.

340
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,835
Yeah. The Doctor is hungry.

341
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,380
Come on in, baby.

342
00:20:57,881 --> 00:20:59,840
-What's this?
-Alcohol.

343
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:04,929
-You're trying to get me drunk, are you?
-Of course I am.

344
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:08,432
How you been? Yeah, you're all right.

345
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,229
I need to pull the pin on the love grenade.

346
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:14,689
Please do.

347
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:17,525
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

348
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:19,026
Boom.

349
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,864
I think. . .

350
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,659
I think we should turn the lights off.

351
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:30,162
Do we have to?
I like to see you when I'm with you.

352
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:35,167
I can't make love in electric light,
it's unnatural.

353
00:21:35,252 --> 00:21:38,087
Trust me, though, yeah? I'm a doctor.

354
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,552
Okay . Un, deux, trois.

355
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,388
Let's do this, yeah?

356
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,265
Come on. Keep your boots on.

357
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,100
DESIREE: Keeping the boots on.

358
00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:55,479
DAVE: There we go.
Although, not quite good enough.

359
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,233
There. Pitch black.

360
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:00,776
Hey!

361
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,449
-DESIREE: You are a very complex man.
-Thank you.

362
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,205
Will you. . .
Will you just excuse me for a second?

363
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,749
DESIREE: Where are you going?

364
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,917
DAVE: I think we should take
some precautionary measures.

365
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,295
Don't worry, I'm on the pill.

366
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,464
DAVE: I still think I'd like to freshen up,
though.

367
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:24,759
-DESIREE: Okay. Hurry back.
-I will.

368
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,428
(DESIREE GIGGLING)

369
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,056
What the hell are you doing?

370
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:31,891
I just thought it'd be nice
if I brush my teeth first,

371
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,268
but I didn't have my toothbrush,
so what I did was I borrowed. . .

372
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,938
No, I mean, what the hell are you doing
still dressed?

373
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,150
-Yes, do you think I should get undressed?
-Yeah.

374
00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:44,445
I can't walk out of there stark-bollock naked
and walk back in fully clothed, can l?

375
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:45,905
Fine, okay, fine.

376
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:47,323
-Think smart.
-Right.

377
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,700
-You sure it's dark enough out there?
-Yes, it's pitch black.

378
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:52,119
The pope could walk in and poke her,
she would never know.

379
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:54,497
-I just wish I was a bit bigger.
-Why?

380
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,915
'Cause you're beety, you know?

381
00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:57,041
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

382
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,876
-DESIREE: Can I come in? I need to wee.
-Yeah, hang on, hang on !

383
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,294
One second.

384
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:04,965
In here! Down there. Hurry! Just. . . Hurry up!

385
00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:10,471
Come in.

386
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:12,973
What are you doing in here?

387
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:16,602
-Private man things.
-I could hear voices.

388
00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:19,814
Disc jockeys are always practicing
our patter.

389
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:21,565
Gosh, you're quite chunky, aren't you?

390
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,818
Am l? I mean, yeah !

391
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:27,988
Yeah, I suppose I am.
The girls seem to like it.

392
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:33,702
That's what I like about you.
You're a nice clean bird.

393
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,704
(LAUGHING) That's what you think.

394
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:36,872
No!

395
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,836
No way. Don't. . . Don't do that.

396
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,422
Don't dry your hands, l. . .

397
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,382
I love a girl with. . .

398
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,176
Wet hands.

399
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,762
You are strange.

400
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,013
(EXCLAIMS)

401
00:23:53,974 --> 00:23:57,184
Do you want to get down to it, then?

402
00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:59,770
Just give me a second, will you?

403
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:04,650
I dunno if you can see, but I've got a bit
of nougat lodged in a molar at the back.

404
00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:07,987
-Well, hurry up, lover boy.
-I will, lover girl.

405
00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:09,864
(BOTH LAUGHING)

406
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,577
Casanova.

407
00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:18,372
But what about the size thing?
She said you were chunky.

408
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:23,544
Relax. Just find the right position
and it will all be over before she realizes.

409
00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,713
-Just be quick.
-I think you can be pretty sure

410
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:27,590
I'm gonna be quick.

411
00:24:28,425 --> 00:24:31,677
I could see a lot of myself in you.
Come here.

412
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:35,890
It's a very special time.

413
00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:37,725
Trousers.

414
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:41,729
I can do this. I just don't know where. . .

415
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:45,566
Hey, look at me. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.

416
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:47,151
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

417
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:48,652
-I'm not a virgin.
-Okay.

418
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,280
-I'm having second thoughts.
-Carl.

419
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:54,950
This is your destiny.

420
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:57,786
DESIREE: Hello, big boy.

421
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,539
(BOTH SCREAMING)

422
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:03,250
No, wrong room ! Sorry.

423
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:10,758
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

424
00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:12,134
Come in.

425
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:15,095
-Sir?
-Yes.

426
00:25:16,389 --> 00:25:19,308
-Very impressive references here.
-Thank you, sir.

427
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,143
Very unusual name.

428
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:23,729
Twatt?

429
00:25:24,147 --> 00:25:28,108
And that's with two T's?
Have you heard of pirate radio, Twatt?

430
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,987
-Like Radio Rock, sir?
-Indeed, exactly like Radio Rock.

431
00:25:32,155 --> 00:25:34,031
-Ever listened to it?
-Not often.

432
00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,784
I'm not really a pop person.
I prefer classical music.

433
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:39,620
-Well, who doesn't?
-The listeners of Radio Rock, sir?

434
00:25:39,746 --> 00:25:41,121
Precisely.

435
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,875
The drug-takers and the law breakers
and the bottom-bashing fornicators

436
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,294
of our recently great country.

437
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:52,174
Well, here's your little task.

438
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:59,306
I want Rock off the air in 1 2 months,
and I want you to be my private assassin.

439
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,061
Someone's gone!

440
00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:05,980
No, don't want it!

441
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,401
FELICITY: All right.

442
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:13,320
KEVIN: . . .but she did this wonderful thing,

443
00:26:13,780 --> 00:26:17,032
where she put a tiny bit of ketchup. . .

444
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:32,339
Hi.

445
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,968
Sorry, man, but who are you?

446
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,055
Bob.

447
00:26:42,559 --> 00:26:44,018
Smooth Bob.

448
00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:46,478
Bob Silver, the Dawn Treader.

449
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:50,983
I do the early, early, early morning show.

450
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,071
You're Bob.

451
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,032
-Yeah.
-Good old Bob.

452
00:26:58,158 --> 00:27:00,492
How long have you been on the boat, Bob?

453
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:04,747
Seven months.
Every morning, 3:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.

454
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,417
Well, then how come we've never met you?

455
00:27:09,544 --> 00:27:12,713
Well, you know, I keep myself to myself.

456
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:14,590
A lot of sleep.

457
00:27:15,759 --> 00:27:17,426
Fair amount of drugs.

458
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:19,887
A total immersion in the vinyl, you know?

459
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:25,184
Gotta listen to the music if you're gonna
give the people what they need.

460
00:27:25,268 --> 00:27:28,062
In their heart and their soul. Yeah?

461
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,861
Better be getting back to the sounds, 'cause

462
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:39,782
it's a bit hectic in here.

463
00:27:45,455 --> 00:27:47,748
ANGUS: So that's Bob?
FELICITY: Good old Bob.

464
00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:50,751
-COUNT: That's Bob.
-Wry Sir Bob.

465
00:27:51,211 --> 00:27:53,253
What was his name again?

466
00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:54,630
Really?

467
00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:57,383
So, young man, how's it going?

468
00:27:57,467 --> 00:28:01,136
Well, sir, I think I may have had
a little breakthrough.

469
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,640
The pirate stations only exist
because they sell advertising.

470
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,517
Yes, you can listen to our pop music,

471
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:10,062
but only if you also buy
Findus Frozen Fish Fingers.

472
00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:15,651
Exactly. So what we can do immediately
is make advertising on the stations illegal

473
00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:17,653
for British companies.

474
00:28:17,821 --> 00:28:20,155
We would cut off the boats' cash
with one fell swoop.

475
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:21,615
Brilliant.

476
00:28:23,618 --> 00:28:25,327
I like you, Twatt.

477
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,164
(WHISTLE SOUNDING)

478
00:28:29,290 --> 00:28:31,041
Stop blowing the whistle, man,
we were chatting.

479
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,919
I have a very important announcement.
As you may know

480
00:28:34,003 --> 00:28:39,174
there has been a serious squeeze put on our
advertisers by Her Majesty's Government.

481
00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:42,803
This chart, thank you, John,

482
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:47,307
displays what's been happening to our
advertising revenue in the last few weeks.

483
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:49,476
-Ouch.
-So, I've had to stir myself

484
00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:51,895
from my traditional languor

485
00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:56,567
and do something to make the station
more attractive to new commercial partners.

486
00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:59,778
Two years ago,
something terrible happened,

487
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:04,616
and we lost the greatest DJ
pirate radio has ever known to America,

488
00:29:04,701 --> 00:29:07,703
ambition, and alcoholic poisoning.

489
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:13,167
And then something wonderful happened
and we got, in return, from America,

490
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:16,670
a man who proved more than capable
of filling those enormous shoes.

491
00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:18,589
-Love our Count.
-I do my humble best.

492
00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:22,217
And now, my friends, I have good news.

493
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,053
-Bad news, sir.
-Very good news.

494
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:27,473
Have you ever heard of Gavin Kavanagh?

495
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:28,807
No, I have not.

496
00:29:28,892 --> 00:29:32,644
He's possibly the most famous
popular music broadcaster ever.

497
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:36,857
-Indeed, a strange and mysterious legend.
-And what about him?

498
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:40,110
-Well, sir, he's decided. . .
-To return.

499
00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:42,362
-SIMON: No!
-Stop it!

500
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:45,157
Oh, my. . .

501
00:29:45,241 --> 00:29:51,205
Three weeks today, Gavin Kavanagh
returns to rock on Radio Rock.

502
00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:52,748
(ALL CHEERING)

503
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:02,800
So?

504
00:30:02,884 --> 00:30:06,887
So, it is more important than ever
to actually close the stations down.

505
00:30:07,013 --> 00:30:11,767
Otherwise the advertisers will simply
flock back and pay their bills from abroad.

506
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:14,436
Well, what are we going to do, then?

507
00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:17,356
We go, sir, for the jugular.

508
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:25,072
And this next song is dedicated to
the coolest man in the whole of the world,

509
00:30:25,198 --> 00:30:27,825
and he's about to step onto this boat.

510
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:32,538
It is gorgeous Gavin Kavanagh,
and this week he's definitely number one!

511
00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:37,835
(JUMPING JACK PLASH PLAYING)

512
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:06,697
Quentin.

513
00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:15,455
Like the beard.

514
00:31:15,582 --> 00:31:17,708
And you must be the Count.

515
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:20,460
I am he.

516
00:31:23,631 --> 00:31:26,425
I wonder what that makes me, the king?

517
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,637
-Or the clown?
-Nice to meet you, sweetheart.

518
00:31:30,763 --> 00:31:32,723
-All right, and you are?
-Felicity.

519
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:35,142
-Rules changed?
-I'm a lesbian.

520
00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:38,979
-Groovy! Always or mostly?
-Absolutely always.

521
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,065
-(WHISPERING) So you say.
-No! Stop that.

522
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:46,403
Now, take me to my microphone.
I need to broadcast.

523
00:31:47,822 --> 00:31:49,156
Let's go!

524
00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:50,824
(ALL WHOOPING)

525
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,421
GAVIN: Are you doing something dirty?

526
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:10,636
Are you doing something
your parents don't know about?

527
00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:13,513
Are you breaking the law?

528
00:32:14,682 --> 00:32:16,016
(CHUCKLES)

529
00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,770
Are you breaking the rules?

530
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:23,523
Open your knees and feel the breeze,

531
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,694
because Gavin's back to stay.

532
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,113
(MUSIC PLAYING)

533
00:32:30,198 --> 00:32:32,616
Now it's just you and me,

534
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:35,661
and I'm looking right up your skirt.

535
00:32:40,875 --> 00:32:42,709
That feels so good.

536
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,545
That feels wonderful !

537
00:32:45,838 --> 00:32:47,047
Listen to this.

538
00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:49,549
This will make you moist.

539
00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:57,641
Watch and learn, kids, watch and learn.

540
00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:01,019
(FOR YOUR LOVE PLAYING)

541
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:04,398
Buddy Holly.

542
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,567
This is Gavin, tweaking the nation's nipples!

543
00:33:08,069 --> 00:33:11,071
(GIVE ME A TICKET
FOR AN AIRPLANE PLAYING)

544
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,742
So, join me tomorrow,

545
00:33:15,868 --> 00:33:20,080
when I'll be playing definitive rock 'n' roll
here on Radio Rock.

546
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:21,832
Think of me when you come.

547
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,251
And now it's over to Jolly John.

548
00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:28,588
For some more murders,
rapes and abductions, it's the news.

549
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:34,428
The news at midday.

550
00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:37,681
In London. . .

551
00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:42,936
-Twatt, Miss C . How is the jugular going?
-Slowly, sir.

552
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:45,272
Yes, I hear the arrival of Mr. Kavanagh
has been followed

553
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:47,691
by the finding of a rash of new stations,
for God's sake.

554
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:49,693
-Yes, sir.
-Sort it out in a fortnight.

555
00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:52,446
Find me a loophole in the law
so that I can make them all illegal

556
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:53,780
or you are both fired.

557
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:57,034
And when I say fired, I do not only mean
that you will lose your jobs.

558
00:33:57,118 --> 00:33:59,870
I mean that you will never work again.

559
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:02,622
You disastrous, pathetic

560
00:34:06,085 --> 00:34:07,627
ugly nobodies.

561
00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:13,050
Jugular, my arse!

562
00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:18,555
(A WORLD OF OUR OWN PLAYING)

563
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,807
How about a little bit more Seekers?

564
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:23,560
(GEORGY GIRL PLAYING)

565
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:27,981
Harold, I've just put another one straight on.
Double Seekers! Two!

566
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:32,652
You wanted to see me?

567
00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:34,237
Yes, Carl !

568
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:37,908
Your birthday is coming
and I haven't got you a present yet.

569
00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:40,577
It's difficult.
What do you give the man who has nothing?

570
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:41,828
Yeah, it's tricky.

571
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:45,665
So, after deep thought,
what I've decided is to give you

572
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,502
a nice time.

573
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:53,465
Tomorrow evening,
I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner.

574
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:59,429
She is the sweetest and prettiest girl
in the world.

575
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,980
It's Midnight Mark here.

576
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:11,858
Hi.

577
00:35:13,986 --> 00:35:15,195
QUENTIN: Hello?

578
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,863
GIRL: Midnight Mark.

579
00:35:16,989 --> 00:35:18,782
Carl. Good evening.

580
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:22,285
This is Marianne.

581
00:35:22,703 --> 00:35:25,956
(THESE ARMS OF MINE PLAYING)

582
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:35,173
Hi.

583
00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:38,009
You already said that.

584
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:39,886
Yeah.

585
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:46,476
Could you excuse me for one second?

586
00:35:52,567 --> 00:35:55,068
-Dave. Hi.
-Hi.

587
00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:59,072
Could I borrow a. . .

588
00:36:00,408 --> 00:36:01,741
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

589
00:36:02,910 --> 00:36:04,244
A condom?

590
00:36:04,704 --> 00:36:05,871
Sure.

591
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,832
Well, well, well, Young Carl.

592
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:13,670
Do you know how it works?

593
00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:16,923
Of course I bloody know how it works.

594
00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:20,677
QUENTIN: Carl.

595
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:37,736
They made me steer the thing myself. Alone.

596
00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:39,946
-And you did?
-Yeah. I must be

597
00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:42,365
-the most inexperienced person. . .
-Is Quentin around?

598
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:44,201
No, actually, you just missed him.

599
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:47,370
Oh, my God. A woman.

600
00:36:47,747 --> 00:36:48,955
(CHUCKLES)

601
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:52,292
And not just a woman.

602
00:36:52,418 --> 00:36:57,756
The most beautiful and succulent woman
in the history of mankind.

603
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:01,468
Dave, this is Marianne.

604
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:04,471
Dave, hello! I'm a real fan !

605
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:07,140
Who isn't?

606
00:37:07,683 --> 00:37:13,063
Well, it's lovely to meet you,
Miraculous Marianne.

607
00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:17,567
Parlez-vous francais?

608
00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:20,070
-No.
-No, me neither.

609
00:37:20,947 --> 00:37:22,948
-I can see why you wanted that condom.
-What?

610
00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:25,075
Well, well, night-night.

611
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:28,370
What did he just say?

612
00:37:29,705 --> 00:37:32,123
-"Night-night"?
-No, before that.

613
00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:36,211
(STUTTERING) I didn't quite catch it.

614
00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:39,631
Did he say, "l can see
why you wanted the condom"?

615
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:41,299
(CHUCKLING)

616
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:44,010
I did not hear him say that.

617
00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:45,929
I did.

618
00:37:46,013 --> 00:37:48,139
And the only conclusion
I can draw from that

619
00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:52,852
is that you thought I was going to be
so easy that you borrowed a condom.

620
00:37:54,522 --> 00:37:55,689
No.

621
00:37:55,773 --> 00:37:58,733
Then what other conclusion
can I then draw?

622
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:04,489
Okay.

623
00:38:07,034 --> 00:38:09,244
It's true. And I'm sorry.

624
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:14,040
It's just that the first moment I saw you,

625
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:17,794
I fell in love with you, instantly,

626
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:23,049
and I thought that, if I got luckier
than any man has ever got,

627
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:26,720
it would be a tragedy if I didn't have. . .

628
00:38:29,557 --> 00:38:30,932
A condom.

629
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:35,812
I can see how that was just sick
and very wrong,

630
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:39,733
and so I'm gonna take the condom
out of my pocket

631
00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:44,487
and I'm throwing the condom
into the North Sea.

632
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:47,157
You see, I already adore you.

633
00:38:47,616 --> 00:38:51,036
I hope one day we'll get married
and have children.

634
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:54,414
Thank you.

635
00:39:01,839 --> 00:39:03,214
Come here.

636
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:32,035
I think we're going to need that condom.

637
00:39:33,329 --> 00:39:38,875
Dave, you don't have another condom?

638
00:39:39,168 --> 00:39:43,338
Sorry, mate, it was my last.
What happened to the one I gave you?

639
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:45,590
Long story.

640
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,258
Try Gavin.

641
00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:49,344
Thank you.

642
00:39:49,595 --> 00:39:54,099
Okay. Just one minute. This is my room.
You should stay here, and I'll be back,

643
00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:57,394
-and Kevin, I can see you.
-All right.

644
00:40:05,111 --> 00:40:07,112
-Evening.
-Good evening.

645
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,949
You don't have any. . .

646
00:40:11,117 --> 00:40:12,867
No, probably not.

647
00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:15,245
Carry on.

648
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:21,876
-Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it.
-Don't mention it, youngster.

649
00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:26,381
Remember, be gentle, but be firm.
Very firm, indeed.

650
00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:32,595
And when you're done with it, run it
under the tap, rinse it out, use it again.

651
00:40:37,351 --> 00:40:38,852
Where is she?

652
00:40:43,858 --> 00:40:45,191
Marianne?

653
00:40:46,318 --> 00:40:47,652
DAVE: Baby.

654
00:40:47,736 --> 00:40:49,028
(MARIANNE LAUGHING)

655
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:54,159
Oh, no.

656
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,077
Oh, no!

657
00:40:58,998 --> 00:41:00,331
Hey, kid.

658
00:41:00,916 --> 00:41:02,709
Hey, how you doing?

659
00:41:03,461 --> 00:41:05,503
I can see you, Marianne.

660
00:41:11,469 --> 00:41:14,179
(SO LONG, MARIANNE PLAYING)

661
00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:13,631
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

662
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:14,924
Enter.

663
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,885
Sir. The two weeks are over,

664
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:22,348
and I'm afraid I haven't really been able
to find you a loophole.

665
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,351
What a shame.

666
00:43:25,644 --> 00:43:27,854
Time for you to move on, then,
like your sad little father.

667
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:30,815
But what I have done is find you a noose.

668
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:36,487
I have a report here that says that last week
the distress call of a fishing boat

669
00:43:36,572 --> 00:43:40,825
wasn't heard because its radio waveband
was blocked by Radio Rock.

670
00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:45,788
Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved
because of this rock 'n' roll pornography.

671
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:50,835
I think, sir, we have our smoking gun.

672
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:53,880
Very good, indeed.

673
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:58,635
-Did the fishermen die in the end?
-No, sir.

674
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:01,679
That's a pity.

675
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:05,850
I think I may have also discovered a way
of actually getting on the boat

676
00:44:05,934 --> 00:44:08,728
to do some more "intimate" research.

677
00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:11,856
-Well done, Twatt.
-Thank you, sir.

678
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:16,361
We have their testicles in our hands.

679
00:44:17,529 --> 00:44:19,280
And it feels good.

680
00:44:21,367 --> 00:44:23,493
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:
It's magnificent Monday

681
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:28,206
and 200 gorgeous competition winners
are heading straight for Radio Rock.

682
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:33,044
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to our Boat of Bliss.

683
00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:49,727
-KEVIN: Hello.
-Morning.

684
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,771
-We're not lost.
-Morning.

685
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:54,399
-KEVIN: Just quite a big boat. . .
-Morning.

686
00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:58,528
(GIRLS SCREAMING)

687
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:05,159
And this is the kitchen.

688
00:45:05,994 --> 00:45:07,578
And this is the food we eat
if the weather's bad

689
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:09,580
and we can't get it fresh from shore.

690
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:11,124
Tinned food !

691
00:45:11,583 --> 00:45:14,293
-And this is our cook, Felicity.
-ALL: Hi !

692
00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,256
-She's a lesbian.
-Yes, I am.

693
00:45:18,340 --> 00:45:19,465
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

694
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:20,591
(SCREAMS)

695
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:52,749
Hello. Can I help you?

696
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:57,044
Yes, hello. Got a bit lost.

697
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,421
More than a bit.

698
00:45:58,505 --> 00:46:01,174
In order to get here,
you have to open a really quite heavy door

699
00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:02,967
with the words "No Entry" on it.

700
00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:06,721
Well, I didn't see that,
so it must have been left open.

701
00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:12,560
You look suspiciously square
to be a fan of this boat's output.

702
00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:15,104
-No, no, no, I'm a real fan.
-I hope so.

703
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,315
Because if word gets out
that you're here to spy on us,

704
00:46:17,399 --> 00:46:20,610
I think you may have trouble
hanging on to your testicles.

705
00:46:20,694 --> 00:46:22,570
Are you threatening me?

706
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:25,031
Do you know what, I think I am.

707
00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:29,118
Because I've got pretty good instincts
and you look like a twat to me.

708
00:46:29,203 --> 00:46:30,870
Get out of here.

709
00:46:32,664 --> 00:46:34,999
Everyone leaves in 1 5 minutes!

710
00:46:41,673 --> 00:46:45,259
Welcome back.
I hope you've all had a tremendous time.

711
00:46:45,844 --> 00:46:46,928
(ALL CHEERING)

712
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:49,472
The only slightly odd thing
is there seem to be about

713
00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:52,558
half as many of you as there were earlier.

714
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:58,147
If you give us a moment, we will sort out
this strange and mysterious situation.

715
00:47:02,945 --> 00:47:06,030
-Ladies.
-Hi, Quentin. Busy day.

716
00:47:06,114 --> 00:47:10,785
So I see.
But I rather fear now is the time to move on.

717
00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:11,953
(ALL GRUMBLING)

718
00:47:12,079 --> 00:47:15,164
You can all come back to my room,
if you like.

719
00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:17,917
-Girl at the back?
-No.

720
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,419
Give it up, Nutsford.

721
00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:26,759
So, what did you find out?

722
00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:29,804
The boat itself is in very bad condition.

723
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,098
Good !

724
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:36,352
Which means if they ever try to get away
or even move, they won't get far.

725
00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:39,647
Bravo, mission accomplished.

726
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:46,654
So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan?

727
00:47:48,365 --> 00:47:51,826
I think we should work
to get public opinion on our side.

728
00:47:51,952 --> 00:47:55,788
Then, January the 1 st,
we make pirate radio totally illegal

729
00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:59,208
on the grounds that they are endangering
the lives of the brave men and women

730
00:47:59,293 --> 00:48:02,295
of the nation's shipping community,
upon whom the economy

731
00:48:02,379 --> 00:48:05,548
and fish and chip shops
of the country depend.

732
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:08,676
And if they try to dety the law,
we take them out.

733
00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:10,136
Splendid.

734
00:48:11,346 --> 00:48:15,516
I think we can call it
the Marine Offenses Act.

735
00:48:15,642 --> 00:48:19,228
The Marine Offenses Act. I like it.

736
00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:23,149
And I think the Queen will like it, too.

737
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:28,654
-We have them on the ropes.
-God, I love ropes.

738
00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:32,325
You must come over to dinner sometime.
Meet the family.

739
00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:37,580
And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton.

740
00:48:37,664 --> 00:48:39,498
Yes, it's mail time.

741
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:41,667
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

742
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,920
(RHYTHMICALLY) Hey, guys.

743
00:48:44,004 --> 00:48:46,088
Hey, Simon, what can we do for you?

744
00:48:46,173 --> 00:48:50,051
Well, Carl, my mate,

745
00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:54,305
my best mate, I've got some news.

746
00:48:54,389 --> 00:48:57,558
I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even. . .
My words are just coming out in tune.

747
00:48:57,684 --> 00:49:00,353
I'm so happy. lf I were the Count right now,

748
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:06,734
I would definitely be using the "F" word
to describe the level of this good news.

749
00:49:06,860 --> 00:49:09,862
-Hold me! Hold me!
-For what?

750
00:49:10,864 --> 00:49:12,698
I'm getting married !

751
00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:14,742
To a woman !

752
00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:16,285
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

753
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:19,705
-You're fucking doing fucking what?
-I'm marrying.

754
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:23,042
-And give her one for the Nutster!
-I won't.

755
00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,503
GAVIN: What's the lovely lady's name?

756
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:27,129
-Elenore.
-Elenore.

757
00:49:27,214 --> 00:49:28,339
Yeah, she's an American.

758
00:49:28,423 --> 00:49:30,549
QUENTIN: Well, I hope you all appreciate
what this means?

759
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:34,387
From next Saturday, there will, for the first
time, be a woman living on the boat.

760
00:49:34,471 --> 00:49:36,138
No offence meant.

761
00:49:36,223 --> 00:49:38,349
None taken.
I'm actually quite excited about it.

762
00:49:38,433 --> 00:49:40,893
Hands off, you lesbian. Watch out!

763
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,395
Eye on you.

764
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:45,898
But Elenore will, of course,
be totally exclusive to her lucky husband.

765
00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:47,608
Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it.

766
00:49:47,734 --> 00:49:48,776
For my eyes only.

767
00:49:48,902 --> 00:49:52,321
May I just say,
now that Quentin has departed,

768
00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:56,909
one word which I believe is the only word
in the world that now matters?

769
00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,786
And that word is. . .

770
00:50:00,288 --> 00:50:01,664
Matrimony.

771
00:50:02,457 --> 00:50:03,624
Stag !

772
00:50:03,750 --> 00:50:06,252
-Yeah !
-Yeah !

773
00:50:06,336 --> 00:50:09,839
-Stag, stag, stag !
-Stag, stag, stag !

774
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,009
JOHN: Fantastic!

775
00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:14,635
(LOWING)

776
00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:16,178
It's a stag.

777
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:19,640
I thought you were having a seizure.
He's okay. He's fine.

778
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:25,146
So how long
have you guys known each other?

779
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:29,275
Two weeks.
Yeah, it's the old proverbial thunderbolt.

780
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:32,611
There I was, just minding my own business,
having a quiet drink.

781
00:50:32,696 --> 00:50:35,072
Over trots this blonde bombshell.

782
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:38,034
Before I knew it, there was quite a lot of. . .

783
00:50:38,118 --> 00:50:39,827
ALL: Yeah !

784
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,704
Lot of kissing.

785
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,875
-And then?
-No,

786
00:50:45,959 --> 00:50:48,169
I'm afraid we're both big believers
in the whole

787
00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,463
"not before the big night" thing.

788
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:53,424
-That is sick.
-It's not sick.

789
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:56,469
-Why?
-I just hope that the boat is solid.

790
00:50:58,221 --> 00:51:01,015
The sexual energy
that will be unleashed that night

791
00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:03,392
will blow a hole in her blooming side.

792
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,311
I know how you feel.

793
00:51:05,687 --> 00:51:08,731
It's gonna be like Niagara Falls
under my sheets.

794
00:51:08,815 --> 00:51:10,483
-Yeah, my sheets, too.
-What?

795
00:51:10,567 --> 00:51:13,069
-Where are we going, Count?
-We are going

796
00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:15,237
exactly where we should be going.

797
00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:25,539
Pub!

798
00:51:29,336 --> 00:51:30,503
Club!

799
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:57,696
No, no, no, no!

800
00:51:57,781 --> 00:52:01,200
Stop, stop, stop. Don't do it.
Stop, stop, stop

801
00:52:03,870 --> 00:52:05,246
I love you.

802
00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:36,735
I'm getting married !

803
00:52:44,077 --> 00:52:47,955
CARL: I think I might have had
a bit too much to drink last night.

804
00:52:48,373 --> 00:52:50,749
-What about you?
-KEVIN: No, I'm in good shape.

805
00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:54,211
In fact, I find alcohol
rather sharpens my mind.

806
00:52:54,963 --> 00:52:56,881
-Really?
-Yes.

807
00:52:57,048 --> 00:52:59,466
-And I've been thinking.
-Dangerous.

808
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:05,306
It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here
to get on the straight and narrow,

809
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:09,602
when this is obviously the worst
possible place in the world to do that.

810
00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,354
There's sex and drugs and alcohol.

811
00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:17,234
-Without the sex.
-My theory is that you're here

812
00:53:17,319 --> 00:53:22,781
because it's exactly the right time
for a young man like you

813
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:26,118
to get to know his dad.

814
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:34,168
And?

815
00:53:35,462 --> 00:53:39,256
I therefore think that your dad
is on this boat.

816
00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:43,302
And since he's definitely not me,

817
00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:47,973
I think he's probably Quentin.

818
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:53,270
Sometimes, just sometimes,

819
00:53:54,689 --> 00:53:57,608
I think I should be called Clever Kevin.

820
00:53:57,943 --> 00:53:59,985
What do you say to that?

821
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:06,325
And top news of the day.
At 2:45 precisely this afternoon,

822
00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:09,203
Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts,

823
00:54:09,329 --> 00:54:12,289
marries the prettiest girl who ever lived.

824
00:54:12,457 --> 00:54:14,959
I just want you to know,
I want to assure listeners

825
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:17,419
that this doesn't mean
that I have any less love for you.

826
00:54:17,504 --> 00:54:22,383
I'll still be here every morning.
The only difference will be, I'll be happy.

827
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:24,551
(ELENORE PLAYING)

828
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:40,651
Oh, my God. Here she comes.

829
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,740
-Big day.
-Big day!

830
00:54:52,414 --> 00:54:54,164
I shouldn't look.

831
00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:37,249
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
in the sight of God, apparently,

832
00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:39,418
which is scary,

833
00:55:39,794 --> 00:55:42,880
to witness the wedding of this man and this

834
00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:46,633
total goddess.

835
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:48,469
(ALL WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

836
00:55:50,430 --> 00:55:53,640
Jesus Christ alone
knows why she's marrying him.

837
00:55:53,767 --> 00:55:54,767
(CHUCKLES)

838
00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:56,560
-Good one.
-But love is,

839
00:55:56,644 --> 00:56:00,147
as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed,
strange.

840
00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:06,278
And the bride is blushing now
as the groom is gazing into her eyes.

841
00:56:06,571 --> 00:56:09,656
You can almost see Cupid
fluttering his wings above their heads.

842
00:56:09,783 --> 00:56:11,450
(IMITATING WINGS FLAPPING)

843
00:56:11,910 --> 00:56:13,202
(CAWING)

844
00:56:13,286 --> 00:56:15,287
No, that was a seagull.

845
00:56:16,164 --> 00:56:17,956
Shut up, Nutsford.

846
00:56:18,666 --> 00:56:21,168
Best man, have you got the rings?

847
00:56:21,419 --> 00:56:22,628
CARL: I have.

848
00:56:23,296 --> 00:56:24,797
Thanks, mate.

849
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:28,967
There you are.

850
00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,179
How lovely.

851
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:38,352
I now declare you man and stunning wife.

852
00:56:38,978 --> 00:56:40,479
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

853
00:56:43,149 --> 00:56:44,191
So sweet.

854
00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:50,197
(GIGGLES)

855
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:51,990
(HORN HONKING)

856
00:56:54,869 --> 00:56:57,663
You may now kiss the bride, poor girl.

857
00:56:59,457 --> 00:57:01,500
Yes, the full sweep over.

858
00:57:02,127 --> 00:57:03,669
(ALL CHEERING)

859
00:57:06,339 --> 00:57:08,507
No, take it. God.

860
00:57:10,218 --> 00:57:11,677
You have it.

861
00:57:27,569 --> 00:57:30,487
(ALL SINGING ELENORE)

862
00:57:43,168 --> 00:57:44,793
Where's those bridesmaids?

863
00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:48,881
It's Nutty Nutsford here,
the morning after the night before.

864
00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:53,343
-Hey.
-Hey!

865
00:57:54,637 --> 00:57:56,346
So how did it go?

866
00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,223
It. . .

867
00:58:00,977 --> 00:58:04,146
I think it will get better. You know, it was. . .

868
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,064
She was tired.

869
00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:11,195
I was a little overexcited, it was. . .
If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks.

870
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:16,366
But we don't need to blow it all
on one night, do we? Do we?

871
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:20,746
No. We've all the time in the world.
Round two.

872
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,915
-Good luck.
-Thanks.

873
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:26,585
-Hey!
-Hey, babe.

874
00:58:28,546 --> 00:58:30,589
You look like a unicorn.

875
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:34,009
In a negligee.

876
00:58:34,093 --> 00:58:35,344
(ELENORE CHUCKLING)

877
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:40,265
-How is Mrs. Swafford this morning?
-Good. Good, very good.

878
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:43,060
I've brought you some tea.

879
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:46,188
-No?
-I don't like tea.

880
00:58:46,272 --> 00:58:48,106
I'll drink it myself.

881
00:58:48,900 --> 00:58:51,026
Simon, I've got some news.

882
00:58:52,529 --> 00:58:55,030
No. Don't tell me. . .

883
00:58:55,949 --> 00:58:58,367
You're pregnant already, aren't you?

884
00:58:58,451 --> 00:59:01,703
I knew this was gonna happen.
The Swaffords have always had strong stuff.

885
00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:03,539
No, it's not that.

886
00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:04,790
(SIGHS)

887
00:59:05,291 --> 00:59:06,458
(EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF)

888
00:59:07,043 --> 00:59:08,877
Not that I don't want babies. I do.

889
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:11,630
I want a dozen.
You'll be in bits by the time I'm done,

890
00:59:11,756 --> 00:59:13,799
but, you know, I thought
that we could have a few more years

891
00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:17,970
of reckless shagging
before we settle into Baby Boulevard.

892
00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:23,559
Simon, I'm so in love.

893
00:59:25,770 --> 00:59:27,479
Of course you are.

894
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:32,734
Gavin is so fantastic.

895
00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:37,072
Isn't he?
Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy?

896
00:59:37,156 --> 00:59:40,784
Yes, he is.
I guess that's why I'm in love with him.

897
00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:47,499
Koala bear, when you said that
you were in love with him, there might be. . .

898
00:59:47,625 --> 00:59:50,502
Translation. What do you mean by that?

899
00:59:50,587 --> 00:59:53,422
Well, l. . .

900
00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:54,756
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

901
00:59:55,258 --> 00:59:58,260
I met him about a week before I met you

902
00:59:58,344 --> 01:00:01,263
and I fell in love with him.

903
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:06,685
But he said the only way that I could be
on the boat was if we got married.

904
01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:10,147
And he wouldn't do that,
for obvious reasons.

905
01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:15,777
So I suggested
that I could just marry another DJ ,

906
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:17,946
and that way I could still be on the boat.

907
01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:20,490
He said that was a mad idea.

908
01:00:21,868 --> 01:00:24,202
But then I met you.

909
01:00:25,371 --> 01:00:30,834
You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that
pub and I just leapt at the opportunity and. . .

910
01:00:31,377 --> 01:00:34,338
Well, now, here I am.

911
01:00:35,506 --> 01:00:39,635
And if it's okay with you,
I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight.

912
01:00:45,683 --> 01:00:48,226
Thanks for being so understanding.

913
01:00:48,561 --> 01:00:50,562
But I don't understand.

914
01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:56,860
But I just explained.
See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and. . .

915
01:00:57,695 --> 01:01:02,699
No, I get that. I understood all. . .
I get the ins and outs of it.

916
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:07,996
What I don't understand
is how you could be so cruel.

917
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:12,209
I mean, we're just married, if you read the. . .

918
01:01:13,419 --> 01:01:14,753
Yesterday.

919
01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:19,257
And we're supposed to spend
the rest of our lives together.

920
01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:20,926
(STUTTERING)

921
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:25,389
We will, in a way. We will, we will. lt's just. . .

922
01:01:26,557 --> 01:01:30,185
I'll be having sex with Gavin
instead of you every night, and. . .

923
01:01:30,269 --> 01:01:32,729
But we'll still be friends.

924
01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:36,191
If you need me, I'll be right next door.

925
01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:38,276
Okay?

926
01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:40,028
Having sex?

927
01:01:42,782 --> 01:01:44,408
Hopefully, yes.

928
01:01:46,452 --> 01:01:48,203
You might hear us.

929
01:01:48,621 --> 01:01:50,455
That would be nice.

930
01:01:52,709 --> 01:01:55,377
Official sources were today sad to announce

931
01:01:55,461 --> 01:01:59,214
the separation of Simon Swafford
and his wife, Elenore,

932
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:02,968
after 1 7 hours of marriage.

933
01:02:03,636 --> 01:02:07,431
It is understood the split is due
to musical differences.

934
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:14,146
(STAY WITH ME, BABY PLAYING)

935
01:02:35,668 --> 01:02:38,086
No, no, I can't believe

936
01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:44,092
You're leaving me

937
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:48,013
Stay with me, baby

938
01:02:49,015 --> 01:02:54,269
Please, stay with me, baby

939
01:02:55,688 --> 01:02:58,857
Stay with me, baby

940
01:03:16,375 --> 01:03:18,794
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Here's the guy
who plays all the hits.

941
01:03:18,878 --> 01:03:23,715
It's, it's, it's Simple Simon Swaftord.

942
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,890
And the time is now 7:09 in the a.m. ,

943
01:03:32,016 --> 01:03:34,768
and you're listening to
Simple Simon Swaftord Show

944
01:03:34,852 --> 01:03:38,063
on Radio Rock,
203 meters on the medium waveband.

945
01:03:38,147 --> 01:03:40,273
And remember, folks,
it ain't simple being cool,

946
01:03:40,358 --> 01:03:42,526
but it's cool being simple.

947
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:51,868
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Radio Rock.

948
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:04,548
-Well, what do you have to say, bastard?
-Come on, be fair. I didn't ask her to do it.

949
01:04:04,632 --> 01:04:07,217
I said to her, it's absolutely not on
and now she's left,

950
01:04:07,301 --> 01:04:10,262
she's gone, she's left the boat,
she's not coming back.

951
01:04:10,346 --> 01:04:13,306
I honestly can't see what I've done wrong.

952
01:04:13,474 --> 01:04:15,058
What can I say?

953
01:04:16,561 --> 01:04:19,187
It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll.

954
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:22,107
Can you tell me one thing?

955
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:26,444
Before she left this morning, did you. . .
You didn't. . .

956
01:04:27,488 --> 01:04:28,822
You know?

957
01:04:36,914 --> 01:04:38,582
Just one little pop.

958
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:44,170
I thought it was the least I could do after all
the trouble the lovely girl had gone to.

959
01:04:45,047 --> 01:04:46,923
CARL: Simon, wait.

960
01:04:47,174 --> 01:04:50,427
-Can't really blame him, can we?
-Yeah, you can.

961
01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:53,930
Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War?

962
01:04:54,599 --> 01:04:56,141
-I have.
-Well,

963
01:04:56,350 --> 01:04:59,603
that holocaust is simply
a playground skirmish

964
01:05:00,771 --> 01:05:03,648
next to what you're about to experience.

965
01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:06,151
I'm declaring war.

966
01:05:07,361 --> 01:05:11,156
W-A-R. Gonna tear you apart.

967
01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:14,868
DAVE: My dear listeners, you may have
noticed a certain cooling of the relationship

968
01:05:14,952 --> 01:05:19,122
between His Royal Highness,
the Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin.

969
01:05:19,206 --> 01:05:23,293
Well, I'm eager to show the world
that he is a coward.

970
01:05:23,377 --> 01:05:25,754
So I'm suggesting something
that's pretty big where I come from,

971
01:05:25,838 --> 01:05:28,798
and it's a game called "Chicken."

972
01:05:28,883 --> 01:05:31,092
(IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING)

973
01:05:31,928 --> 01:05:35,472
The man who climbs furthest is the victor.

974
01:05:36,474 --> 01:05:38,350
May the best man win.

975
01:05:38,976 --> 01:05:41,269
And the biggest chicken lose.

976
01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:43,813
Are we ready?

977
01:05:46,108 --> 01:05:48,401
Then let the ascent commence.

978
01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:52,948
ANGUS: Come on, Count.
Come on. Up you go.

979
01:05:54,033 --> 01:05:55,367
(ALL CHEERING)

980
01:05:55,451 --> 01:05:57,452
Climb for America, sir.

981
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:01,206
-Hope she's worth it.
-She definitely was.

982
01:06:02,333 --> 01:06:03,500
Fuck.

983
01:06:04,752 --> 01:06:07,170
-Come on, Count.
-Come on, Count.

984
01:06:17,848 --> 01:06:20,016
-QUENTIN: For God's sake.
-Help him !

985
01:06:21,394 --> 01:06:22,936
(PANTING)

986
01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:28,692
Okay.

987
01:06:29,902 --> 01:06:32,737
It's. . . lt's getting pretty high now.

988
01:06:33,280 --> 01:06:34,614
(COUNT PANTING)

989
01:06:36,158 --> 01:06:39,577
I suppose there might be an argument
that it's time for a. . .

990
01:06:39,662 --> 01:06:41,663
A moment of reflection.

991
01:06:43,749 --> 01:06:46,751
Spoken like a five-star chicken.

992
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:53,550
-What are they doing?
-Just trying to help you out.

993
01:06:56,303 --> 01:06:58,346
Come on, guys, don't be stupid.

994
01:06:58,431 --> 01:07:01,391
Enough is enough,
you've proved your point.

995
01:07:03,978 --> 01:07:05,979
We should do something !

996
01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:07,939
For God's sakes, stop!

997
01:07:10,526 --> 01:07:12,861
All he did was have sex
with someone's wife.

998
01:07:12,945 --> 01:07:15,613
Sorry, Simon, don't take it personal.

999
01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:17,824
DAVE: If you fall, you will die.

1000
01:07:19,076 --> 01:07:20,493
Oh, my God.

1001
01:07:36,302 --> 01:07:37,469
Well,

1002
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:40,555
changed your mind, then?

1003
01:07:40,639 --> 01:07:43,558
-About what?
-About me being a chicken.

1004
01:07:46,312 --> 01:07:47,896
Why do you ask?

1005
01:07:48,147 --> 01:07:50,398
Well, we've reached the top.

1006
01:07:52,193 --> 01:07:53,401
And. . .

1007
01:07:56,822 --> 01:07:58,323
It's the top.

1008
01:07:59,116 --> 01:08:00,992
But it's not the end.

1009
01:08:02,661 --> 01:08:03,995
Isn't it?

1010
01:08:04,789 --> 01:08:06,081
No, sir.

1011
01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:19,177
-Christ.
-Fuck.

1012
01:08:22,306 --> 01:08:26,267
Step away from the edge, you silly bastards.
This is madness.

1013
01:08:36,487 --> 01:08:38,029
ANGUS: You're nuts! You're nuts!

1014
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:42,158
I think, at the end of the day,
mast climbing is the winner.

1015
01:08:43,744 --> 01:08:45,787
Why am I so fucking fat?

1016
01:09:04,014 --> 01:09:06,766
-What do you say now?
-I say,

1017
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:11,980
I know a chicken when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.

1018
01:09:13,482 --> 01:09:14,983
Adios, amigo.

1019
01:09:17,361 --> 01:09:19,112
(ALL SCREAMING)

1020
01:09:19,196 --> 01:09:20,905
ANGUS: Man overboard !

1021
01:09:20,990 --> 01:09:22,365
(ALL CLAMORING)

1022
01:09:22,741 --> 01:09:23,992
Fuck!

1023
01:09:24,910 --> 01:09:26,953
I don't even like Simon !

1024
01:09:27,538 --> 01:09:28,746
Cry-baby.

1025
01:09:28,831 --> 01:09:30,123
Cry-baby!

1026
01:09:41,635 --> 01:09:42,969
Bollocks.

1027
01:09:43,387 --> 01:09:45,180
SIMON: What are you doing?

1028
01:09:49,351 --> 01:09:51,269
Wop-bop-a-loom-a-blop-bam-boom.

1029
01:09:53,063 --> 01:09:55,565
Tutti-frutti !

1030
01:09:57,067 --> 01:09:59,777
Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain.

1031
01:10:00,738 --> 01:10:03,239
Abraham Lincoln once said,
"lt is the measure of a man

1032
01:10:03,324 --> 01:10:05,950
"that he can admit when he's wrong."

1033
01:10:07,453 --> 01:10:10,622
And I have been catastrophically wrong.

1034
01:10:19,506 --> 01:10:24,385
I'd also like to take this opportunity
to apologize to a dear friend of mine,

1035
01:10:27,890 --> 01:10:29,098
Simon.

1036
01:10:35,064 --> 01:10:36,356
Finally,

1037
01:10:36,815 --> 01:10:41,069
everything onboard is gonna be just fine.

1038
01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:57,835
Everyone, this is our last ball,
so please be careful.

1039
01:10:57,920 --> 01:11:01,339
-Kevin, it's your kick-off.
-ANGUS: Kevin, come on, Kevin.

1040
01:11:04,009 --> 01:11:05,551
CARL: ldiot!
QUENTIN: ldiot!

1041
01:11:05,636 --> 01:11:06,970
ANGUS: Get them trousers off. Get him !

1042
01:11:07,554 --> 01:11:11,182
(SUNNY AFTERNOON PLAYING)

1043
01:11:21,944 --> 01:11:24,279
QUENTIN: I can see your nuts, Nutsford.

1044
01:11:32,830 --> 01:11:35,415
For the first time in the history of basketball,

1045
01:11:35,499 --> 01:11:40,420
the United Kingdom of Great Britain
will take on the United States of America.

1046
01:11:40,796 --> 01:11:42,505
Come on, come on.

1047
01:11:47,845 --> 01:11:49,053
DAVE: Cheat!

1048
01:11:57,438 --> 01:12:00,064
Sure throwing him in is the best way
to get him to learn how to swim?

1049
01:12:00,149 --> 01:12:01,899
-Absolutely.
-Okay.

1050
01:12:02,443 --> 01:12:03,901
(SCREAMING)

1051
01:12:06,280 --> 01:12:09,324
On second thought, it might just be for kids.

1052
01:12:09,408 --> 01:12:11,075
-I can't touch the bottom.
-Yeah, that's right.

1053
01:12:11,160 --> 01:12:16,039
Throw a baby in, it floats.
Instinctively, naturally. lt's a beautiful thing.

1054
01:12:16,415 --> 01:12:19,417
-ANGUS: Come on.
-I think if you throw in an adult,

1055
01:12:20,002 --> 01:12:22,420
-doesn't work that way.
-Goodbye.

1056
01:12:34,808 --> 01:12:36,267
Deprivation.

1057
01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,852
-FELICITY: Yes.
-Yeah.

1058
01:12:37,936 --> 01:12:40,021
DAVE: Let's do it.
Your highness, s'il vous plait

1059
01:12:40,105 --> 01:12:41,230
COUNT: Yes.

1060
01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:42,565
Okay.

1061
01:12:44,902 --> 01:12:49,155
I've got you limeys beat.
I have never had a sexual dream

1062
01:12:49,239 --> 01:12:52,867
featuring a member of the Royal Family.

1063
01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:56,537
Raise your hand
if you have been as equally deprived.

1064
01:12:57,539 --> 01:12:59,374
-Princess Margaret.
-Princess Margaret.

1065
01:12:59,458 --> 01:13:02,710
Yes! The full six puntos.

1066
01:13:05,506 --> 01:13:08,007
-Good. Full house.
-Felicity.

1067
01:13:08,634 --> 01:13:11,052
I have never had sex with a man.

1068
01:13:12,638 --> 01:13:16,391
-DAVE: Risky one.
-I didn't think that was the road to go down.

1069
01:13:19,853 --> 01:13:21,145
Damn it.

1070
01:13:23,816 --> 01:13:27,777
Okay, it was at school, obviously.
Who hasn't?

1071
01:13:28,487 --> 01:13:30,071
-Me.
-DAVE: All of us.

1072
01:13:30,197 --> 01:13:33,074
Besides you guys, okay. lt was just once.

1073
01:13:33,325 --> 01:13:35,410
And his name was Jackman.

1074
01:13:36,703 --> 01:13:38,746
-Course his name was Jackman.
-ANGUS: Yeah.

1075
01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:41,749
You can laugh.
But actually, he was something of a god.

1076
01:13:41,834 --> 01:13:43,751
-You know, I bet he was.
-ANGUS: ln the Upper Fifth.

1077
01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:45,044
-In the Upper Fifth?
-Yes.

1078
01:13:45,129 --> 01:13:47,004
-He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth?
-Yes.

1079
01:13:47,089 --> 01:13:48,464
FELICITY: Okay.
COUNT: Jackman.

1080
01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:52,969
-I was curious.
-Sadly, it means you only get one point.

1081
01:13:53,053 --> 01:13:54,804
-One point.
-DAVE: One point for Felicity.

1082
01:13:54,888 --> 01:13:56,222
-ALL: Well done.
-Well done.

1083
01:13:56,306 --> 01:13:58,933
DAVE: Look at his doe-eyedness. Okay.

1084
01:13:59,017 --> 01:14:01,644
Mr. Gavin Kavanagh.

1085
01:14:01,728 --> 01:14:04,355
Right, bit of a strange one this.

1086
01:14:05,399 --> 01:14:09,068
I've never been on a date with a girl. . .

1087
01:14:09,153 --> 01:14:10,570
Wait, wait.

1088
01:14:11,196 --> 01:14:16,617
And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice
if I let go a little

1089
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:20,037
bit of wind.

1090
01:14:21,415 --> 01:14:22,874
Did so,

1091
01:14:22,958 --> 01:14:25,668
and realized it wasn't wind. . .

1092
01:14:26,962 --> 01:14:28,671
It was diarrhea.

1093
01:14:29,506 --> 01:14:33,384
So I've never been in bed
with a girl of my dreams

1094
01:14:33,927 --> 01:14:36,804
with poo all over the sheets behind me.

1095
01:14:37,389 --> 01:14:38,681
-No.
-Raise your hands

1096
01:14:38,765 --> 01:14:41,517
-anyone who has not done that.
-No way.

1097
01:14:45,022 --> 01:14:46,230
David !

1098
01:14:47,232 --> 01:14:50,151
You bastard, man !

1099
01:14:50,944 --> 01:14:53,571
-I didn't tell anyone.
-You did that?

1100
01:14:53,989 --> 01:14:56,532
-Yeah.
-What did you do?

1101
01:14:56,617 --> 01:15:00,578
Well, I told her that my wife

1102
01:15:00,662 --> 01:15:03,247
would be home in five minutes, so she left.

1103
01:15:03,332 --> 01:15:05,374
So you got away with it.

1104
01:15:05,459 --> 01:15:07,710
It's a gray area, really.

1105
01:15:08,420 --> 01:15:09,504
Tell them.

1106
01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:14,342
The problem being that my wife
then came home and. . .

1107
01:15:14,593 --> 01:15:18,679
I got into quite a lot of trouble
for pooing in the bed.

1108
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:22,099
At 4:00 in the afternoon.

1109
01:15:22,184 --> 01:15:23,559
(ALL LAUGHING)

1110
01:15:25,646 --> 01:15:26,896
DAVE: Pooper!

1111
01:15:30,275 --> 01:15:31,901
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Gorgeous Gavin.

1112
01:15:31,985 --> 01:15:34,111
Yes. That was beautiful.

1113
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,822
We're back on "pubic" air.

1114
01:15:36,949 --> 01:15:40,952
Radio Rock, 203 meters
on the medium waveband.

1115
01:15:41,286 --> 01:15:45,998
And whatever you do, don't tell Dr. Dave
I told you the infamous poo story.

1116
01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:47,166
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Radio Rock!

1117
01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:50,795
It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been.

1118
01:15:50,879 --> 01:15:55,132
Government plans to undermine us
have failed spectacularly.

1119
01:15:55,300 --> 01:15:59,595
In fact, a recent poll says that
at an election, 93% of British people

1120
01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:03,307
would vote for the pirates
rather than the government.

1121
01:16:03,725 --> 01:16:05,184
This is why.

1122
01:16:05,310 --> 01:16:06,811
(MY GENERATION PLAYING)

1123
01:16:06,895 --> 01:16:08,729
I'm very sorry, sir.

1124
01:16:09,356 --> 01:16:11,148
Don't worry, Twatt.

1125
01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:16,153
We may lose the public relations battle,
but we will win the war.

1126
01:16:17,739 --> 01:16:19,490
We shall proceed,

1127
01:16:20,659 --> 01:16:22,743
but just not tell anyone.

1128
01:16:23,662 --> 01:16:27,707
Executions are best done
behind closed doors.

1129
01:16:29,001 --> 01:16:31,002
Now shut that filth off!

1130
01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:43,431
(LITTLE SAINT NICK PLAYING)

1131
01:16:47,519 --> 01:16:51,689
You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.
It's Christmas time.

1132
01:16:52,024 --> 01:16:53,190
Carl.

1133
01:16:54,192 --> 01:16:55,943
I just got a message from shore,

1134
01:16:56,028 --> 01:16:58,529
and your mother is dropping by
to pay us a visit for Christmas.

1135
01:16:58,614 --> 01:17:01,073
You're kidding? When does she arrive?

1136
01:17:01,199 --> 01:17:04,744
Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu.

1137
01:17:05,454 --> 01:17:07,371
-Was she?
-Yeah.

1138
01:17:08,206 --> 01:17:11,083
Anyway, I thought you might like to know,
in case you want to brush your hair

1139
01:17:11,209 --> 01:17:15,212
or hide the large stack of pornography
you keep on that shelf.

1140
01:17:20,886 --> 01:17:23,304
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Merry Christmas
from Radio Rock.

1141
01:17:27,559 --> 01:17:29,977
-I hear your mum's coming onboard?
-Yeah.

1142
01:17:30,062 --> 01:17:32,063
Yeah, send her my best.

1143
01:17:32,564 --> 01:17:35,107
-Tell her Muddy Waters rocks.
-Okay.

1144
01:17:35,233 --> 01:17:36,776
(IMITATING ROCK MUSIC)

1145
01:17:39,571 --> 01:17:41,906
-She'll know what I mean.
-Yep.

1146
01:17:42,491 --> 01:17:44,158
-Okay.
-Okay.

1147
01:17:50,457 --> 01:17:52,249
(ALL CHEERING)

1148
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:56,837
Ahoy!

1149
01:18:08,642 --> 01:18:10,059
Christ, what a dump.

1150
01:18:10,143 --> 01:18:12,687
-I hoped you'd like it.
-I love it.

1151
01:18:17,442 --> 01:18:21,320
Hey, right on, brother.
That's some hot mummy you got there.

1152
01:18:21,446 --> 01:18:23,280
You got one for me?

1153
01:18:34,126 --> 01:18:37,002
-Good luck, my friend.
-Thanks.

1154
01:18:47,514 --> 01:18:48,639
Mum,

1155
01:18:50,308 --> 01:18:54,145
I hate to be abrupt.
Can I ask you a very serious question?

1156
01:18:54,354 --> 01:18:57,189
It's moving. Yes, no, I'm listening.

1157
01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:01,694
Is Quentin

1158
01:19:05,490 --> 01:19:06,866
my father?

1159
01:19:10,871 --> 01:19:12,663
I beg your pardon?

1160
01:19:13,415 --> 01:19:14,915
You heard me.

1161
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:16,751
Is Quentin my dad?

1162
01:19:17,836 --> 01:19:19,044
(LAUGHS)

1163
01:19:20,756 --> 01:19:21,839
No.

1164
01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:25,843
No. He isn't.

1165
01:19:26,678 --> 01:19:28,179
-No?
-No.

1166
01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:30,848
Cool.

1167
01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:33,184
It was just. . .

1168
01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:38,689
I was just thinking
how great it would be to have a father.

1169
01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:44,445
I'd really like one of those.

1170
01:19:50,368 --> 01:19:51,911
How long are you here for?

1171
01:19:52,412 --> 01:19:55,372
Only Boxing Day. Leaving in the morning.

1172
01:19:56,291 --> 01:19:59,794
Now this is very good cognac.

1173
01:19:59,961 --> 01:20:01,754
Yeah, it is 1 0: 1 5.

1174
01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:03,923
Perfect.

1175
01:20:04,424 --> 01:20:06,050
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1176
01:20:07,219 --> 01:20:08,803
ANGUS: Turkey time.

1177
01:20:21,233 --> 01:20:22,733
ALL: Hey!

1178
01:20:22,818 --> 01:20:25,236
Ho, ho, ho!

1179
01:20:26,071 --> 01:20:27,488
Fucking Ho!

1180
01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:30,074
-Who's been naughty?
-ALL: Me!

1181
01:20:32,452 --> 01:20:36,121
-Here we go.
-I'd like to raise a glass

1182
01:20:36,248 --> 01:20:38,040
-to CarI's mother.
-Yeah.

1183
01:20:38,124 --> 01:20:41,085
Wonderful Charlotte, it was. . .

1184
01:20:42,337 --> 01:20:44,171
A shag well shagged

1185
01:20:44,923 --> 01:20:48,259
-the night you made this little fella.
-FELICITY: Definitely, definitely.

1186
01:20:48,343 --> 01:20:50,427
I couldn't have put it better myself.

1187
01:20:50,512 --> 01:20:54,473
Now, when he came aboard,
I'm sure it's all agreed

1188
01:20:54,599 --> 01:20:57,476
that we thought he was a bit
of a posh tosser.

1189
01:20:57,602 --> 01:20:59,311
COUNT: I didn't like him.
KEVIN: He seemed unpleasant.

1190
01:20:59,437 --> 01:21:03,941
-ANGUS: Me neither.
-You know what? He is now one of us.

1191
01:21:04,025 --> 01:21:05,442
ANGUS: Yes, he is!

1192
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:08,821
We would like him

1193
01:21:09,614 --> 01:21:11,365
to stay forever.

1194
01:21:12,325 --> 01:21:14,994
And just to finish off, Kev.

1195
01:21:16,037 --> 01:21:19,748
Bless you, rabbits are Easter, not Christmas.

1196
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:22,751
That's why they call it the Easter Bunny.

1197
01:21:23,461 --> 01:21:24,712
Right.

1198
01:21:26,089 --> 01:21:28,424
-I am seriously thick, aren't l?
-ALL: You are.

1199
01:21:28,550 --> 01:21:30,676
-Thick Kevin !
-FELICITY: To Thick Kevin !

1200
01:21:30,760 --> 01:21:32,136
DAVE: You're the thickest!

1201
01:21:32,554 --> 01:21:35,347
-JOHN: All right, jokes.
-Jokes, jokes, jokes!

1202
01:21:35,432 --> 01:21:38,434
What is the largest living mammal on Earth?

1203
01:21:38,518 --> 01:21:41,645
-I don't know.
-What is the largest living mammal on Earth?

1204
01:21:41,730 --> 01:21:45,691
The blue whale! Weighing over 1 50 tons.

1205
01:21:45,942 --> 01:21:49,695
These are facts. These are the fact ones.
They're not jokes.

1206
01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:08,923
Darling,

1207
01:22:09,799 --> 01:22:12,134
I think you might have a joke.

1208
01:22:18,683 --> 01:22:20,476
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

1209
01:22:21,227 --> 01:22:22,895
Yes, it's funny.

1210
01:22:30,695 --> 01:22:32,863
Would you like a mince pie?

1211
01:22:35,075 --> 01:22:37,117
Yes, I would. Thank you.

1212
01:22:41,831 --> 01:22:45,250
Shall we have another go at the thing?

1213
01:22:46,211 --> 01:22:48,963
-Cracker, sir?
-Yes, the cracker thing.

1214
01:22:51,007 --> 01:22:52,216
Right.

1215
01:22:58,139 --> 01:22:59,473
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

1216
01:22:59,766 --> 01:23:01,892
Well, that's quite enough excitement
for one day.

1217
01:23:09,234 --> 01:23:11,026
Well, goodbye, Mum.

1218
01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:17,449
By the way, our late-night DJ Bob

1219
01:23:17,867 --> 01:23:21,203
sent you a message, which is

1220
01:23:21,788 --> 01:23:23,831
"Muddy Waters rocks."

1221
01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:28,919
-Oh, my God. He didn't tell you, did he?
-What?

1222
01:23:30,171 --> 01:23:32,423
-What?
-What do you mean, "What"?

1223
01:23:32,507 --> 01:23:34,174
What do you mean,
"Oh, my God, he didn't tell you."

1224
01:23:34,259 --> 01:23:37,344
-Nothing, darling.
-No, Mum, it's not nothing.

1225
01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:39,847
Mum.

1226
01:23:41,141 --> 01:23:42,558
-Really?
-What?

1227
01:23:42,642 --> 01:23:45,227
-Please tell me you didn't sleep with him?
-Of course I slept with him.

1228
01:23:45,311 --> 01:23:47,980
Everybody slept with him.
He was absolutely gorgeous in those days.

1229
01:23:48,064 --> 01:23:49,982
Hold on a second.
Are we talking about the same Bob?

1230
01:23:50,066 --> 01:23:53,819
This is the late-night DJ here?
The beast with the beard?

1231
01:23:54,779 --> 01:23:57,656
Well, he was indeed a beast.
But at that time,

1232
01:23:57,741 --> 01:24:01,201
-as far as I can recall, he was clean-shaven.
-When?

1233
01:24:01,828 --> 01:24:03,412
-When did you sleep with Bob?
-For heaven's sake,

1234
01:24:03,496 --> 01:24:06,206
will you stop badgering me?
I don't know when.

1235
01:24:14,466 --> 01:24:16,175
How old are you?

1236
01:24:18,553 --> 01:24:20,304
Eighteen-and-a-half.

1237
01:24:20,388 --> 01:24:24,391
Well, then it must have been
1 9-and-a-quarter years ago, then.

1238
01:24:26,061 --> 01:24:27,561
Give or take.

1239
01:24:27,979 --> 01:24:31,774
Anyway, I better go.
That poor man's been waiting forever.

1240
01:24:31,941 --> 01:24:36,361
I'm so glad we got that off our chest
and out of the way, aren't you?

1241
01:24:37,739 --> 01:24:39,448
Bye-bye, darling.

1242
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:44,495
And tell Mark, you know,
that it was a lovely, lovely night.

1243
01:24:45,497 --> 01:24:50,167
No!

1244
01:25:08,144 --> 01:25:12,731
(YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU LOVE ME
PLAYING)

1245
01:25:38,424 --> 01:25:39,550
Bob.

1246
01:25:41,344 --> 01:25:43,470
-Dude?
-Great show.

1247
01:25:46,850 --> 01:25:49,184
I think I've got some pretty big news for you.

1248
01:25:49,269 --> 01:25:50,435
Cool.

1249
01:25:51,354 --> 01:25:54,690
I'm in a pretty loose mood,
think I can handle it.

1250
01:25:58,153 --> 01:26:00,612
I think. . . I think. . .

1251
01:26:02,115 --> 01:26:07,244
I'm pretty sure that you are, as it were,

1252
01:26:08,538 --> 01:26:10,414
technically speaking,

1253
01:26:12,584 --> 01:26:13,834
my dad.

1254
01:26:17,422 --> 01:26:23,427
You're the man I've been missing
and waiting for and. . .

1255
01:26:25,221 --> 01:26:27,639
Searching for all my life.

1256
01:26:27,724 --> 01:26:29,099
(CHUCKLING)

1257
01:26:33,104 --> 01:26:34,271
Cool.

1258
01:26:35,690 --> 01:26:36,732
(CHUCKLES)

1259
01:26:38,902 --> 01:26:41,320
That's it? That's your reaction?

1260
01:26:42,822 --> 01:26:46,116
Just give me a minute.

1261
01:26:48,453 --> 01:26:50,329
Dusty Springfield there on the Dawn Treader,

1262
01:26:50,413 --> 01:26:53,582
with quite possibly
the finest white soul voice in the world.

1263
01:26:53,666 --> 01:26:58,128
And this is a young man who's really
quite good at playing the guitar.

1264
01:27:00,673 --> 01:27:04,301
(THE WIND CRIES MARY PLAYING)

1265
01:27:05,428 --> 01:27:06,595
Jimi.

1266
01:27:13,061 --> 01:27:14,228
So. . .

1267
01:27:21,569 --> 01:27:23,320
Morning, hepcats.

1268
01:27:23,988 --> 01:27:25,113
Hey.

1269
01:27:26,199 --> 01:27:27,282
Hi.

1270
01:27:28,534 --> 01:27:29,952
What's new?

1271
01:27:31,037 --> 01:27:35,040
Nothing.

1272
01:27:50,807 --> 01:27:51,932
Yes.

1273
01:27:53,309 --> 01:27:56,520
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

1274
01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:59,940
And yes.

1275
01:28:13,955 --> 01:28:16,123
-Good evening, sir.
-Hello.

1276
01:28:16,457 --> 01:28:17,916
Just sign it, sir.

1277
01:28:18,001 --> 01:28:22,296
And in three days, our heroic disc jockeys
become dangerous criminals.

1278
01:28:22,380 --> 01:28:24,089
Well done, Twatt.

1279
01:28:24,882 --> 01:28:27,384
That is my kind of Christmas present.

1280
01:28:27,468 --> 01:28:28,510
Thank you, sir.

1281
01:28:33,182 --> 01:28:37,185
Right. Pirate radio abolished.
A show of hands.

1282
01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:46,403
Good, moving on.

1283
01:28:46,863 --> 01:28:49,656
Now, we have to make up our minds on. . .

1284
01:28:59,000 --> 01:29:00,792
JOHN ON RADIO:
In the House of Commons today,

1285
01:29:00,877 --> 01:29:04,921
the new Marine Oftenses Act
was passed unanimously.

1286
01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:07,716
Prom midnight on New Year's Eve,

1287
01:29:07,800 --> 01:29:12,095
all pirate radio stations,
including, of course, Radio Rock,

1288
01:29:12,180 --> 01:29:14,264
will be breaking the law.

1289
01:29:14,557 --> 01:29:18,727
Everyone who works on them,
and indeed everyone who listens to them,

1290
01:29:18,811 --> 01:29:21,313
will be in contravention of the new law

1291
01:29:21,397 --> 01:29:25,776
and risk prison sentences,
both short and long.

1292
01:29:42,460 --> 01:29:43,627
Carl.

1293
01:29:45,338 --> 01:29:46,671
You okay?

1294
01:29:47,507 --> 01:29:49,007
Yeah, just. . .

1295
01:29:50,134 --> 01:29:53,720
You know, a few months ago,
I made a terrible mistake.

1296
01:29:55,098 --> 01:29:56,807
-Really?
-Yeah.

1297
01:29:57,975 --> 01:30:00,060
But I realized something.

1298
01:30:00,728 --> 01:30:04,648
And instead of crushing the thought
the moment it came l. . .

1299
01:30:05,191 --> 01:30:07,192
I let it hang on and. . .

1300
01:30:09,278 --> 01:30:11,363
Now I know it to be true.

1301
01:30:12,740 --> 01:30:15,867
And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever.

1302
01:30:16,369 --> 01:30:18,245
What was the thought?

1303
01:30:23,000 --> 01:30:25,710
That these are the best days of our lives.

1304
01:30:30,258 --> 01:30:34,136
It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it.

1305
01:30:36,139 --> 01:30:38,181
I don't know about that.

1306
01:30:39,517 --> 01:30:42,227
(CHUCKLES) Well, yeah. Yeah.

1307
01:30:44,272 --> 01:30:45,397
Maybe you'll be lucky.

1308
01:30:45,481 --> 01:30:49,067
Maybe you'll have better days, but I doubt it.

1309
01:30:50,611 --> 01:30:55,365
We stood on top of the mountain, compadre.
It's a long way do-be-do-be down.

1310
01:31:04,375 --> 01:31:06,126
QUENTIN: The day has come.

1311
01:31:06,461 --> 01:31:07,711
Tonight,

1312
01:31:08,337 --> 01:31:10,964
pirate radio dies.

1313
01:31:12,467 --> 01:31:17,304
From midnight, we are a ghost ship
floating without hope

1314
01:31:18,306 --> 01:31:20,348
on cold and dark waters.

1315
01:31:21,058 --> 01:31:25,353
You have done almighty work here.

1316
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:28,857
Thank you.

1317
01:31:30,193 --> 01:31:31,860
But your work

1318
01:31:33,696 --> 01:31:35,030
is done.

1319
01:31:38,409 --> 01:31:39,493
(CLEARS THROAT)

1320
01:31:39,577 --> 01:31:41,161
Not mine, sir.

1321
01:31:41,913 --> 01:31:42,996
I'm an American citizen,

1322
01:31:43,080 --> 01:31:47,876
and I don't give a hootenanny God damn
about your nitpicking limey laws.

1323
01:31:48,544 --> 01:31:53,089
I intend to broadcast from this ship
24 hours a day until the day I die.

1324
01:31:54,383 --> 01:31:57,093
And then for a couple days after that.

1325
01:31:58,262 --> 01:32:01,598
Not wanting to sound rude or anything,

1326
01:32:04,101 --> 01:32:05,519
but don't you think that might be

1327
01:32:05,603 --> 01:32:09,439
an ever so slightly monotonous experience
for the listener?

1328
01:32:12,777 --> 01:32:15,779
What do you say to 1 2 hours each,
noble sir?

1329
01:32:17,907 --> 01:32:19,783
The way I look at it,

1330
01:32:20,201 --> 01:32:22,118
the world couldn't survive
without my comedy,

1331
01:32:22,203 --> 01:32:24,120
and who's going to have the moral backbone

1332
01:32:24,205 --> 01:32:26,122
to play the Seekers when the mood is right?

1333
01:32:26,249 --> 01:32:27,958
They've split up.

1334
01:32:29,293 --> 01:32:32,254
I intend to celebrate the back catalog.

1335
01:32:37,134 --> 01:32:39,469
I intend to stop you doing so.

1336
01:32:50,481 --> 01:32:56,319
As some of you know,
my wife left me after 1 7 hours of marriage,

1337
01:32:56,445 --> 01:32:59,990
but I survived that because I live for music.

1338
01:33:00,825 --> 01:33:05,579
And now, with nothing else to live for,
I'm willing to die for it as well.

1339
01:33:10,501 --> 01:33:13,336
I've always lived for news and weather.

1340
01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:16,172
Happy to die for them, too.

1341
01:33:17,174 --> 01:33:19,175
Especially the weather.

1342
01:33:25,600 --> 01:33:28,935
I've got nowhere else to go.

1343
01:33:31,856 --> 01:33:35,775
I have somewhere else to go,
but it's Peckham.

1344
01:33:35,860 --> 01:33:37,360
(ALL LAUGHING)

1345
01:33:38,696 --> 01:33:41,031
So I think I'll stick around.

1346
01:33:43,951 --> 01:33:46,036
Can't let everyone starve.

1347
01:33:46,454 --> 01:33:50,874
And I'm slightly worried where my
increasingly powerful sexuality will take me

1348
01:33:51,000 --> 01:33:52,709
when I return to normal life.

1349
01:33:52,835 --> 01:33:56,630
I've got a very strong suspicion
that Felicity fancies me.

1350
01:33:57,673 --> 01:34:02,177
Not about to go anywhere,
just when I'm in with a chance.

1351
01:34:03,888 --> 01:34:05,639
Obviously, I'm in.

1352
01:34:06,515 --> 01:34:09,726
You're the only people in the world
who like me.

1353
01:34:14,523 --> 01:34:17,734
Thank you, gentlemen, lady.

1354
01:34:19,695 --> 01:34:22,572
Strange bearded thing.

1355
01:34:25,242 --> 01:34:28,912
But make no mistake,
they will come after us.

1356
01:34:31,332 --> 01:34:32,832
Let them try.

1357
01:34:47,264 --> 01:34:49,265
COUNT: So, faithful followers,

1358
01:34:50,351 --> 01:34:52,018
the end is nigh.

1359
01:34:53,104 --> 01:34:56,940
We bid you farewell with dignity and pride.

1360
01:34:57,566 --> 01:34:59,359
We thought we'd never die.

1361
01:34:59,443 --> 01:35:02,612
But, well, we can't fight city hall.

1362
01:35:03,406 --> 01:35:06,908
And so, take care, be good.

1363
01:35:07,451 --> 01:35:10,620
Listen to the music. lt's a good thing to do.

1364
01:35:11,580 --> 01:35:13,123
It's the Count,

1365
01:35:13,457 --> 01:35:16,459
counting down and out for the count at last.

1366
01:35:17,294 --> 01:35:20,922
Three, two, one. . .

1367
01:35:21,882 --> 01:35:23,925
And the rest is silence.

1368
01:35:33,978 --> 01:35:36,438
-Thank you, darling. Thank you, darling.
-Sure.

1369
01:35:37,648 --> 01:35:39,649
-Well done, Twatt.
-Thank you, sir.

1370
01:35:39,775 --> 01:35:41,484
-The Queen.
-Her Majesty's government.

1371
01:35:41,610 --> 01:35:42,986
The Queen.

1372
01:35:43,237 --> 01:35:45,822
Only kidding, dudes. Let's rock!

1373
01:35:47,158 --> 01:35:48,658
(ALL CHEERING)

1374
01:35:48,743 --> 01:35:52,328
(LET'S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER
PLAYING)

1375
01:35:54,665 --> 01:35:59,002
Arse! Arse! What arse! Give me that.

1376
01:36:14,185 --> 01:36:16,352
(ALL SINGING)

1377
01:36:45,049 --> 01:36:48,134
-It's a boat.
-What the fuck are you doing here?

1378
01:36:48,219 --> 01:36:50,887
CAPTAIN: She asked to see
someone called Carl.

1379
01:36:51,013 --> 01:36:52,388
Who asked?

1380
01:36:52,640 --> 01:36:53,890
She did.

1381
01:36:58,312 --> 01:36:59,813
(LAUGHS)

1382
01:37:00,815 --> 01:37:02,148
It's her.

1383
01:37:08,405 --> 01:37:09,697
And her!

1384
01:37:10,825 --> 01:37:12,909
You want to come onboard?

1385
01:37:14,161 --> 01:37:16,079
You know, you're risking going to prison
by being here.

1386
01:37:16,163 --> 01:37:17,872
Yes, for fun !

1387
01:37:18,833 --> 01:37:20,667
This is my friend Margaret.
She came to keep me company.

1388
01:37:20,751 --> 01:37:22,085
-Hi.
-Hey.

1389
01:37:22,586 --> 01:37:25,255
This is my friend, the Count.

1390
01:37:25,840 --> 01:37:27,757
Well, hello, Margaret.

1391
01:37:28,926 --> 01:37:33,096
Do you think you could ever love a man
with a funky Fu Manchu?

1392
01:37:33,681 --> 01:37:35,265
No, I don't.

1393
01:37:35,349 --> 01:37:37,433
-I could shave it.
-Still no.

1394
01:37:37,560 --> 01:37:38,768
I haven't had sex in three months.

1395
01:37:38,894 --> 01:37:41,604
Oh, my God ! I'm so sorry.

1396
01:37:41,730 --> 01:37:44,524
Actually it's only been a month.
The last time was by myself.

1397
01:37:44,608 --> 01:37:46,609
MARGARET: Tough.
COUNT: By the hammock.

1398
01:37:55,202 --> 01:37:58,204
I'm very sorry about what I did that night.

1399
01:37:58,455 --> 01:38:00,206
No, no, it's fine.

1400
01:38:00,457 --> 01:38:04,627
I mean, obviously,
who would wanna sleep with me?

1401
01:38:06,380 --> 01:38:08,464
Well, let's see, shall we?

1402
01:38:13,596 --> 01:38:19,309
Well, we could, you know, play Scrabble,

1403
01:38:19,810 --> 01:38:22,061
-if you fancy it.
-I hate Scrabble.

1404
01:38:22,146 --> 01:38:25,064
Me, too. Absolutely loathe it. Hate it.

1405
01:38:26,609 --> 01:38:28,985
Cluedo, on the other hand, is. . .

1406
01:38:31,780 --> 01:38:33,239
(BED CREAKING)

1407
01:38:34,074 --> 01:38:35,783
Kevin, out.

1408
01:38:43,500 --> 01:38:46,085
Lovely to see you again, Marianne.

1409
01:38:57,139 --> 01:38:59,515
MARIANNE: I guess if I just. . .
CARL: Sorry.

1410
01:38:59,642 --> 01:39:02,810
MARIANNE: No, it's fine.
Maybe if we just lie like this.

1411
01:39:18,202 --> 01:39:20,036
Would you like a cup of tea?

1412
01:39:20,120 --> 01:39:22,205
Yes, now that would be. . .

1413
01:39:24,375 --> 01:39:25,625
Lovely.

1414
01:39:29,046 --> 01:39:30,213
Cool.

1415
01:39:34,551 --> 01:39:35,843
Lovely.

1416
01:39:53,696 --> 01:39:57,323
Would you like a cup of tea?

1417
01:39:58,158 --> 01:40:00,410
A cup of tea would be lovely.

1418
01:40:08,544 --> 01:40:09,877
(ALL CHEERING)

1419
01:40:11,380 --> 01:40:13,756
COUNT: And yes, ladies and gentlemen
of Great Britain,

1420
01:40:13,882 --> 01:40:17,510
Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love.

1421
01:40:18,387 --> 01:40:21,764
Carl, say hello to the 20 million people

1422
01:40:21,890 --> 01:40:24,017
who have been waiting
with bated breath to hear the news,

1423
01:40:24,101 --> 01:40:25,935
whether or not you have indeed

1424
01:40:26,020 --> 01:40:28,187
misplaced your crucial cherry tonight.

1425
01:40:28,272 --> 01:40:29,355
You guys. . .

1426
01:40:29,440 --> 01:40:31,691
I think that's a yes! ls that a yes?

1427
01:40:31,775 --> 01:40:36,195
Remember, the reply, "l don't wanna
answer that question" means yes.

1428
01:40:36,405 --> 01:40:38,281
I'm certainly not
gonna answer that question. . .

1429
01:40:38,365 --> 01:40:42,785
Houston, we have lift-off.

1430
01:40:42,911 --> 01:40:44,120
Bravo!

1431
01:40:44,455 --> 01:40:49,542
Yes, newsflash.
A nice young man has lost his virginity

1432
01:40:49,626 --> 01:40:53,046
in the North Sea.
More soon on that breaking story.

1433
01:40:54,423 --> 01:40:56,466
-Morning, madam.
-Morning.

1434
01:40:56,592 --> 01:40:59,135
-Good morning.
-Good morning, madam.

1435
01:41:03,766 --> 01:41:07,727
COUNT: Ladies and gentlemen,
if you could see what I see now.

1436
01:41:07,811 --> 01:41:12,982
There'll be dancing in the street
all over the United Kingdom tonight.

1437
01:41:13,067 --> 01:41:14,317
(DANCING IN THE STREET PLAYING)

1438
01:41:14,443 --> 01:41:15,985
Rock 'n' roll !

1439
01:41:19,323 --> 01:41:20,990
Carl, well done!

1440
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:32,293
ALL: Bye.

1441
01:41:32,961 --> 01:41:34,670
KEVIN: You'll be missed.

1442
01:41:48,519 --> 01:41:50,103
(DOOR OPENING)

1443
01:41:50,187 --> 01:41:51,437
Here he is.

1444
01:41:51,522 --> 01:41:53,856
All right, we had a good night.

1445
01:41:54,191 --> 01:41:57,777
But that thing you see shining through
the window is the cold light of dawn.

1446
01:41:57,861 --> 01:42:00,530
And I don't want you all to imagine
that they won't be coming after us

1447
01:42:00,614 --> 01:42:04,951
with the full force of the law
to crush our testicles like grapes.

1448
01:42:05,035 --> 01:42:07,787
But don't despair completely,
because I'm glad to tell you,

1449
01:42:07,871 --> 01:42:11,040
I've come up with quite a clever little plan.

1450
01:42:11,291 --> 01:42:13,543
-Legend.
-QUENTIN: All hands on deck.

1451
01:42:13,627 --> 01:42:15,461
-COUNT: Our leader.
-I just hope it works.

1452
01:42:15,546 --> 01:42:16,712
SIMON: Of course it'll work.

1453
01:42:20,384 --> 01:42:23,052
-Good night, Miss C .
-Good night, sir.

1454
01:42:24,972 --> 01:42:27,974
D-Day for Radio Rock at last.

1455
01:42:28,058 --> 01:42:29,225
Indeed, sir.

1456
01:42:29,351 --> 01:42:33,312
That's D for deaf.
Since they're not ready to go willingly,

1457
01:42:33,856 --> 01:42:36,858
I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option.

1458
01:42:57,754 --> 01:42:59,046
MAN: Get out!

1459
01:43:00,007 --> 01:43:01,591
(ALL CLAMORING)

1460
01:43:03,260 --> 01:43:04,427
MAN 1 : Move!

1461
01:43:06,722 --> 01:43:08,181
Get at them !

1462
01:43:08,265 --> 01:43:09,765
Deck's clear!

1463
01:43:11,226 --> 01:43:12,685
-Found anything?
-Yes, sir.

1464
01:43:12,769 --> 01:43:14,270
What? What have you found?

1465
01:43:14,396 --> 01:43:17,607
-Well, fish, sir.
-I beg your pardon?

1466
01:43:17,691 --> 01:43:19,233
Mainly fish.

1467
01:43:27,117 --> 01:43:28,534
Can I help you, Officer?

1468
01:43:28,619 --> 01:43:30,620
You certainly can, yes.

1469
01:43:30,954 --> 01:43:33,706
-What the hell are you doing here?
-Fishing, sir.

1470
01:43:33,790 --> 01:43:36,209
I mean, what are you doing here?

1471
01:43:36,293 --> 01:43:40,630
Here, where the Radio Rock ship
always is and always has been anchored.

1472
01:43:40,714 --> 01:43:43,799
Can't say it rings a bell, sir.
What kind of boat is she?

1473
01:43:43,884 --> 01:43:46,427
Lobster, cod, tuna?

1474
01:43:46,762 --> 01:43:49,222
Shut the fuck up!

1475
01:43:49,473 --> 01:43:52,808
This is obviously a trick
and she's scarpered.

1476
01:43:53,143 --> 01:43:55,561
Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye.

1477
01:43:55,646 --> 01:43:58,564
We are going to find these bastards,
and when we do,

1478
01:43:58,649 --> 01:44:01,108
we are going to smash them !

1479
01:44:05,614 --> 01:44:09,408
Everybody out!
We've got the wrong damn boat!

1480
01:44:39,022 --> 01:44:41,607
We should have set sail years ago.

1481
01:44:48,198 --> 01:44:51,659
You're a very clever man.
This is a very good plan.

1482
01:44:52,160 --> 01:44:53,369
(CRASHING)

1483
01:44:53,495 --> 01:44:55,496
What the fuck was that?

1484
01:45:00,502 --> 01:45:01,961
Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen.

1485
01:45:02,045 --> 01:45:03,796
We've got a small hiccup
onboard Radio Rock.

1486
01:45:03,880 --> 01:45:06,549
I now return you to The Small Faces.

1487
01:45:06,633 --> 01:45:07,883
(ALARM BLARING)

1488
01:45:12,222 --> 01:45:13,723
(ALL CLAMORING)

1489
01:45:23,483 --> 01:45:26,736
KEVIN: lt did look a bit unusual,
but I'm sure that. . .

1490
01:45:27,029 --> 01:45:32,325
Gentlemen, I have some good news and
some bad news. Which would you prefer?

1491
01:45:32,409 --> 01:45:34,410
-The good news.
-Let's have a bit of good news.

1492
01:45:34,536 --> 01:45:35,911
Good news.

1493
01:45:36,204 --> 01:45:37,580
-Good news.
-Okay.

1494
01:45:37,706 --> 01:45:42,043
The good news is the engine has exploded
and we're all going to die.

1495
01:45:42,419 --> 01:45:44,420
-FELICITY: Right.
-Perfect.

1496
01:45:44,546 --> 01:45:46,339
-Is he joking?
-DAVE: Hello.

1497
01:45:46,423 --> 01:45:51,010
Dr. Dave, Radio Rock.
How is that good news?

1498
01:45:51,094 --> 01:45:55,598
I haven't yet told you how we're going to die.
That's the bad news.

1499
01:45:55,724 --> 01:45:56,766
How are we gonna die?

1500
01:45:56,892 --> 01:45:59,602
We're going to drown
in the freezing waters of the North Sea.

1501
01:45:59,728 --> 01:46:02,271
-Shit.
-Dearie me.

1502
01:46:02,356 --> 01:46:04,857
There is a huge hole in the side of the boat

1503
01:46:04,941 --> 01:46:09,028
and in an unfortunate development,
it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.

1504
01:46:09,112 --> 01:46:15,117
Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it?
'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.

1505
01:46:17,037 --> 01:46:19,538
-Sorry.
-FELICITY: Dear.

1506
01:46:19,623 --> 01:46:20,623
(CRASHING)

1507
01:46:20,749 --> 01:46:21,957
(ALL SCREAMING)

1508
01:46:27,214 --> 01:46:29,715
All right. All right. All right. All right.

1509
01:46:29,800 --> 01:46:31,801
I'm going to the studio.

1510
01:46:31,927 --> 01:46:33,552
Harold, John, up here now.

1511
01:46:33,637 --> 01:46:34,887
-HAROLD: Yeah, we're coming.
-This isn't going to happen.

1512
01:46:34,971 --> 01:46:37,473
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: A Radio Rock
newsflash with John Mayford.

1513
01:46:37,557 --> 01:46:40,643
JOHN: News coming in that
the famous Radio Rock

1514
01:46:40,727 --> 01:46:45,398
has a large hole in its side
and is therefore sinking into the North Sea.

1515
01:46:47,317 --> 01:46:49,068
Really quite fast.

1516
01:46:49,820 --> 01:46:53,823
So, a tiny crisis here.

1517
01:46:53,907 --> 01:46:55,282
(CRASHING)

1518
01:46:57,661 --> 01:47:01,580
So, if any of you out there
knows anyone in Suffolk

1519
01:47:01,665 --> 01:47:05,000
with a boat of any shape or form,
give them a ring.

1520
01:47:05,085 --> 01:47:10,297
Our coordinates are 53-70 north. . .

1521
01:47:14,678 --> 01:47:15,845
Sorry.

1522
01:47:18,348 --> 01:47:20,015
250 east.

1523
01:47:21,309 --> 01:47:23,519
Here's a rather long record.

1524
01:47:24,146 --> 01:47:26,188
(A WHITER SHADE OF PALE PLAYING)

1525
01:47:26,273 --> 01:47:28,774
I hope I'm here at the end of it.

1526
01:48:48,438 --> 01:48:51,273
Don't worry.
The government won't actually let us die.

1527
01:48:51,399 --> 01:48:52,942
They'll have to send out boats.

1528
01:48:53,026 --> 01:48:55,361
They've heard every swearword
we've ever spoken.

1529
01:48:55,445 --> 01:48:57,196
They'll have to pick up a Mayday.

1530
01:48:57,280 --> 01:48:59,949
Nevertheless, we should move. Come on.

1531
01:49:08,833 --> 01:49:12,503
I'm not sure we're in the right place
at the right time.

1532
01:49:17,425 --> 01:49:18,634
(YELLS)

1533
01:49:24,224 --> 01:49:27,142
You all right?
You're going the wrong way, mate.

1534
01:49:27,227 --> 01:49:30,646
I'm really scared.
Isn't anyone else really scared?

1535
01:49:30,772 --> 01:49:33,065
A bit. Up you go.

1536
01:49:33,149 --> 01:49:34,233
(ANGUS WHIMPERS)

1537
01:49:35,277 --> 01:49:37,319
Foreigners. No backbone.

1538
01:49:52,877 --> 01:49:54,128
(PHONE RINGING)

1539
01:49:59,217 --> 01:50:00,301
Yes?

1540
01:50:00,385 --> 01:50:02,595
TWATT: I'm sorry to have to disturb you
this late, sir.

1541
01:50:02,679 --> 01:50:04,471
What's your want, for heaven's sake?

1542
01:50:04,556 --> 01:50:07,099
It really is getting quite serious now, sir.

1543
01:50:07,183 --> 01:50:10,686
I'm asking permission
to send our boats back to pick them up.

1544
01:50:10,770 --> 01:50:12,354
Absolutely not.

1545
01:50:12,480 --> 01:50:15,941
I absolutely could not justity
the extra expenditure

1546
01:50:16,610 --> 01:50:20,529
when there are so many other problems
we need money for as a government

1547
01:50:20,614 --> 01:50:22,489
both home and abroad.

1548
01:50:22,574 --> 01:50:24,408
They might die, sir.

1549
01:50:24,492 --> 01:50:25,909
Happens to the best of us, Twatt.

1550
01:50:26,536 --> 01:50:28,912
Happens to the very best of us.

1551
01:50:30,040 --> 01:50:31,540
Nighty-night.

1552
01:50:43,470 --> 01:50:45,888
-Whoa, there, are you okay?
-QUENTIN: Simon, have you got a. . .

1553
01:50:45,972 --> 01:50:48,724
-Okay.
-Mark, well done. Come in.

1554
01:50:48,808 --> 01:50:51,185
And in those trousers. Not bad.

1555
01:50:52,979 --> 01:50:56,148
Thank you, John.
So, we'll be safe here for a while.

1556
01:50:56,232 --> 01:51:00,653
The captain thinks we've got till dawn
before we go the full Titanic.

1557
01:51:00,862 --> 01:51:03,697
We've sent out an official distress call.

1558
01:51:03,782 --> 01:51:06,200
And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon.

1559
01:51:06,284 --> 01:51:07,326
(ALL SCREAMING)

1560
01:51:12,707 --> 01:51:15,000
Really? Really? Yeah?

1561
01:51:15,085 --> 01:51:16,794
-GAVIN: We're all right.
-Really.

1562
01:51:16,878 --> 01:51:18,462
GAVIN: We're all right.

1563
01:51:18,546 --> 01:51:20,881
ANGUS: Can I just say something, then?

1564
01:51:21,341 --> 01:51:23,801
I know I'm not the most popular guy
on the boat.

1565
01:51:23,885 --> 01:51:25,386
On the radio I'm fine.

1566
01:51:25,470 --> 01:51:29,765
In the flesh it's something
that people just don't warm to. I know.

1567
01:51:30,100 --> 01:51:33,102
But I just wanna say, the three years here,

1568
01:51:33,269 --> 01:51:37,064
I've been closer to finding friendship
than I've ever been in my life.

1569
01:51:37,148 --> 01:51:42,027
And I'd rather have had that and die
than not have had it and lived. I think.

1570
01:51:43,154 --> 01:51:45,781
Maybe not. No, actually.

1571
01:51:45,865 --> 01:51:46,907
-Come on.
-I just. . .

1572
01:51:46,991 --> 01:51:48,909
You're being ridiculous.

1573
01:51:48,993 --> 01:51:50,536
-Well, I'm not popular.
-Look, this isn't. . .

1574
01:51:50,620 --> 01:51:53,747
No, that's. . . Every group needs a fall guy,

1575
01:51:54,249 --> 01:51:58,836
and yeah, sure, you've been it. But it's not. . .
It's just been a joke. You know?

1576
01:51:58,920 --> 01:52:04,591
I mean, lookit,
everybody who actually loves this nut, huh?

1577
01:52:04,676 --> 01:52:08,345
And is proud as can be
to count him in the number of their friends,

1578
01:52:08,430 --> 01:52:10,431
just raise their hands.

1579
01:52:11,266 --> 01:52:13,392
ANGUS: See? Okay?
SIMON: There we go.

1580
01:52:15,103 --> 01:52:16,311
David?

1581
01:52:17,063 --> 01:52:18,439
Be honest.

1582
01:52:23,403 --> 01:52:24,987
ANGUS: What? Okay.

1583
01:52:25,071 --> 01:52:26,530
(LAUGHING)

1584
01:52:30,910 --> 01:52:32,453
CARL: Where's Bob?

1585
01:52:32,537 --> 01:52:34,163
-Get the. . .
-SIMON: I'm lying.

1586
01:52:34,247 --> 01:52:36,290
Wait a minute. Where's Bob?

1587
01:52:36,374 --> 01:52:38,542
-He fell on ice.
-Guys, Bob!

1588
01:52:40,837 --> 01:52:42,421
Where's my dad?

1589
01:52:47,552 --> 01:52:49,887
We'll wait another minute.
So who's broadcasting?

1590
01:52:49,971 --> 01:52:51,054
JOHN: No one.

1591
01:52:51,139 --> 01:52:56,185
203 meters on the medium waveband
is silent for the first time.

1592
01:52:58,980 --> 01:53:03,442
Well, excuse my language,
but fuck that sideways, sir.

1593
01:53:04,110 --> 01:53:06,236
Harold, after you.

1594
01:53:22,128 --> 01:53:26,298
Bob!

1595
01:53:27,425 --> 01:53:29,134
-Dad?
-BOB: Easy.

1596
01:53:29,219 --> 01:53:32,429
Easy. Just listening to a new track
by the Grateful Dead.

1597
01:53:32,514 --> 01:53:34,014
I'm gonna have to stop it.

1598
01:53:34,098 --> 01:53:36,058
Hey, don't do that. Don't do that.

1599
01:53:36,142 --> 01:53:37,976
That's a bit of a space invasion, man.

1600
01:53:38,061 --> 01:53:40,395
Well, the thing is, Bob,
the boat is actually sinking,

1601
01:53:40,480 --> 01:53:44,233
and if you listen to the end of this track,
you will die.

1602
01:53:59,457 --> 01:54:00,791
Let's go.

1603
01:54:06,923 --> 01:54:08,465
CARL: Mind the hole.

1604
01:54:14,973 --> 01:54:16,390
Oh, no.

1605
01:55:50,193 --> 01:55:53,028
-Thanks, man.
-You're welcome.

1606
01:55:54,697 --> 01:55:57,032
-DAVE: Here. Come to me.
-What are you doing?

1607
01:55:57,116 --> 01:56:00,410
I'm feeling guilty about sleeping
with your girlfriend twice in a night.

1608
01:56:00,536 --> 01:56:03,330
-Three times if you count a. . . Hey, Bob.
-Hey.

1609
01:56:03,414 --> 01:56:07,584
-Dear. That is not a good record.
-What?

1610
01:56:07,710 --> 01:56:10,212
I think it's time we got the fuck out of here.
Come on.

1611
01:56:17,428 --> 01:56:20,263
To all our listeners,
this is what I have to say.

1612
01:56:20,390 --> 01:56:22,057
God bless you all.

1613
01:56:22,141 --> 01:56:25,978
And as for you bastards in charge,
don't dream it's over.

1614
01:56:26,396 --> 01:56:28,897
Years will come, years will go,

1615
01:56:29,565 --> 01:56:33,193
and politicians will do fuck all
to make the world a better place.

1616
01:56:33,277 --> 01:56:36,279
But all over the world,
young men and young women

1617
01:56:36,406 --> 01:56:41,243
will always dream dreams
and put those dreams into song.

1618
01:56:41,953 --> 01:56:44,329
Nothing important dies tonight.

1619
01:56:44,831 --> 01:56:47,582
Just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship.

1620
01:56:47,750 --> 01:56:51,586
The only sadness tonight is that,
in future years,

1621
01:56:51,963 --> 01:56:57,342
there'll be so many fantastic songs
that it will not be our privilege to play.

1622
01:56:57,427 --> 01:57:02,264
But, believe you me, they will still be written.

1623
01:57:02,765 --> 01:57:08,937
They will still be sung
and they will be the wonder of the world.

1624
01:57:10,148 --> 01:57:11,523
Hit it!

1625
01:57:13,985 --> 01:57:17,112
(WOULDN'T IT BE NICE PLAYING)

1626
01:57:18,281 --> 01:57:20,115
I think we better go.

1627
01:57:21,743 --> 01:57:23,910
Okay. Do what you gotta do.

1628
01:57:25,496 --> 01:57:26,788
Chicken.

1629
01:57:27,915 --> 01:57:29,458
(LAUGHING)

1630
01:57:36,007 --> 01:57:37,758
Go ahead, Harold.

1631
01:57:52,482 --> 01:57:55,150
-QUENTIN: Come on up, Bob. Well done.
-Hello, Bob.

1632
01:57:56,986 --> 01:57:58,820
(RADIO GOES SILENT)

1633
01:57:59,530 --> 01:58:00,655
(WHIMPERS)

1634
01:58:10,333 --> 01:58:12,000
(WAVES CRASHING)

1635
01:58:17,673 --> 01:58:18,840
Shit!

1636
01:58:19,342 --> 01:58:21,885
I think we're actually going to die.

1637
01:58:22,011 --> 01:58:23,136
Why?

1638
01:58:25,181 --> 01:58:26,973
I'll explain later.

1639
01:58:30,478 --> 01:58:31,645
So. . .

1640
01:58:33,064 --> 01:58:36,691
Tell us, Mark, now at the very end.

1641
01:58:37,652 --> 01:58:39,528
What was your secret?

1642
01:58:40,363 --> 01:58:43,240
-How did you get all them girls?
-MARK: Simple.

1643
01:58:43,825 --> 01:58:45,909
Don't say anything at all.

1644
01:58:46,494 --> 01:58:48,203
-Nothing?
-Nothing.

1645
01:58:48,371 --> 01:58:50,914
Then, when the tension
becomes too much to bear,

1646
01:58:51,040 --> 01:58:54,835
you finally, finally, you just say. . .

1647
01:58:58,214 --> 01:59:00,006
"How about it, then?"

1648
01:59:01,926 --> 01:59:05,053
-"How about it, then?"
-"How about it, then?"

1649
01:59:06,055 --> 01:59:08,765
"How about it, then?" Works every time.

1650
01:59:08,891 --> 01:59:10,058
Fuck!

1651
01:59:10,893 --> 01:59:13,520
ANGUS: How about it? Well, how about this?

1652
01:59:13,604 --> 01:59:15,939
How about this situation here?

1653
01:59:16,065 --> 01:59:20,026
Try and fuck your way out of this one, Mark!
We're gonna die!

1654
01:59:20,111 --> 01:59:21,736
GAVIN: Come on, Harold !

1655
01:59:21,863 --> 01:59:25,740
We are gonna live forever!

1656
01:59:26,576 --> 01:59:29,286
-So this is where the party is.
-FELICITY: Gavin !

1657
01:59:29,412 --> 01:59:33,415
-Dude, come on up. Relax, enjoy yourself.
-Good to see you, mate.

1658
01:59:33,541 --> 01:59:35,750
-KEVIN: Come on.
-Hold on.

1659
01:59:36,752 --> 01:59:39,421
And the Count. Any sign of the Count?

1660
01:59:42,592 --> 01:59:43,633
No.

1661
01:59:45,803 --> 01:59:49,806
It's not. . . lt's not getting better.

1662
01:59:56,731 --> 01:59:58,273
(ALL SCREAMING)

1663
02:00:03,946 --> 02:00:10,035
GAVIN: This is it! We are gonna die!

1664
02:00:10,953 --> 02:00:12,120
Wait!

1665
02:00:13,456 --> 02:00:15,123
-What?
-A boat!

1666
02:00:16,459 --> 02:00:19,044
ANGUS: How big? How big a bloody boat?

1667
02:00:20,963 --> 02:00:22,631
It's not actually just one boat.

1668
02:00:22,715 --> 02:00:23,882
-QUENTIN: Two boats.
-Three boats.

1669
02:00:23,966 --> 02:00:26,551
SIMON: lt's ever so slightly
more than three boats.

1670
02:00:26,636 --> 02:00:27,969
FELICITY: How many boats?

1671
02:00:28,095 --> 02:00:31,973
I think the technical term
is a fuckload of boats.

1672
02:00:32,475 --> 02:00:34,100
(ALL CHEERING)

1673
02:00:37,063 --> 02:00:38,563
MAN: There's more!

1674
02:00:42,443 --> 02:00:44,069
(HORN BLOWING)

1675
02:00:53,496 --> 02:00:55,288
SIMON: They're everywhere!

1676
02:01:00,586 --> 02:01:01,920
Mark!

1677
02:01:02,004 --> 02:01:03,588
Get in the boat!

1678
02:01:03,673 --> 02:01:06,007
-Hang on.
-FELICITY: Gavin !

1679
02:01:06,676 --> 02:01:08,468
Let's go! Let's go!

1680
02:01:09,470 --> 02:01:10,679
FELICITY: Gavin !

1681
02:01:18,646 --> 02:01:20,021
One, two, three. . .

1682
02:01:20,106 --> 02:01:22,816
ANGUS: All right, there must be another way!

1683
02:01:25,653 --> 02:01:27,362
One, two, three. . .

1684
02:01:43,170 --> 02:01:44,212
-MARK: Angus. . .
-I don't want to go!

1685
02:01:44,297 --> 02:01:46,298
-Follow me.
-It's water, I can't. . .

1686
02:01:46,382 --> 02:01:48,216
-You just jump!
-No!

1687
02:02:12,867 --> 02:02:14,034
WOMAN 1 : Angus!

1688
02:02:16,537 --> 02:02:17,704
Mark!

1689
02:02:19,540 --> 02:02:21,750
There he is! There he is!

1690
02:02:24,003 --> 02:02:25,670
WOMAN 1 : Angus!
ANGUS: Help me!

1691
02:02:25,880 --> 02:02:27,255
Over here!

1692
02:02:27,757 --> 02:02:29,090
Grab it!

1693
02:02:30,509 --> 02:02:31,885
(ALL CHEERING)

1694
02:02:32,970 --> 02:02:34,095
MAN: Bob!

1695
02:02:34,680 --> 02:02:36,848
Bob, over here! Come here!

1696
02:02:38,225 --> 02:02:40,060
WOMAN 2: Keep swimming !

1697
02:02:40,478 --> 02:02:41,603
-Bob!
-Bob!

1698
02:02:44,565 --> 02:02:46,358
-Give me your hand.
-Thank you.

1699
02:02:46,442 --> 02:02:49,069
Thanks very much, very good of you.

1700
02:02:50,780 --> 02:02:52,238
(ALL CHEERING)

1701
02:02:57,453 --> 02:02:59,204
Give me your hand.

1702
02:02:59,997 --> 02:03:02,123
-We've got him !
-Thank you.

1703
02:03:04,043 --> 02:03:06,795
Let me look at you. You're gorgeous.

1704
02:03:11,342 --> 02:03:13,968
-Angus!
-Yes! I'm alive!

1705
02:03:14,136 --> 02:03:15,887
WOMAN 3: Simon !

1706
02:03:16,013 --> 02:03:18,515
Come over and we'll have a warm bath !

1707
02:03:20,267 --> 02:03:21,601
Margaret!

1708
02:03:21,769 --> 02:03:24,145
Keep swimming, you're doing really well !

1709
02:03:24,313 --> 02:03:26,022
-MARIANNE: Carl !
-Marianne!

1710
02:03:26,107 --> 02:03:27,273
Carl !

1711
02:03:37,493 --> 02:03:39,536
It's lovely to meet you.

1712
02:03:40,121 --> 02:03:41,371
Thank you.

1713
02:03:41,455 --> 02:03:42,497
I don't know what I would have done

1714
02:03:42,581 --> 02:03:46,584
if anything would've happened to you !
I listen to your show every single morning.

1715
02:03:48,754 --> 02:03:51,089
-Who are you?
-I love you.

1716
02:03:51,465 --> 02:03:53,508
My name is on your boobies.

1717
02:03:53,634 --> 02:03:55,009
Oh, my God !

1718
02:04:04,603 --> 02:04:08,189
Calm down.
There's plenty of Dr. Dave to go around.

1719
02:05:20,095 --> 02:05:21,179
Yeah !

1720
02:05:21,263 --> 02:05:22,514
My man !

1721
02:05:26,936 --> 02:05:28,603
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1722
02:05:30,773 --> 02:05:31,856
MAN: Yeah, man !

1723
02:05:31,941 --> 02:05:38,863
Rock 'n' roll !

1724
02:05:39,782 --> 02:05:42,033
That's rock 'n' roll, baby!

1725
02:05:42,117 --> 02:05:52,210
Rock 'n' roll !

1726
02:06:14,483 --> 02:06:17,443
(LET'S DANCE PLAYING)

1727
02:07:04,742 --> 02:07:08,995
8:00 till 1 1 :00 , Gavin Kavanagh, and it says
here, "Coolest man on the planet."

1728
02:07:09,079 --> 02:07:13,207
And that is, strangely,
in his own handwriting.

1729
02:07:13,334 --> 02:07:15,293
Some people say that
they don't bother listening to it.

1730
02:07:15,377 --> 02:07:19,547
-JOHN: Who says that?
-Well, Dave said that he didn't really like it.

1731
02:07:21,884 --> 02:07:23,551
And he did that.

1732
02:07:24,386 --> 02:07:26,721
-Yeah.
-Actually, from out there they glint

1733
02:07:26,847 --> 02:07:29,390
and make you look sort of satanic.

1734
02:07:31,393 --> 02:07:32,518
-See you later, John.
-Okay.

1735
02:07:32,603 --> 02:07:36,230
So, Dr. Arthur Sea Measure.
That's an interesting name.

1736
02:07:36,357 --> 02:07:38,483
Do you mind if I just call you
Doctor For Short?

1737
02:07:38,567 --> 02:07:40,276
(IN CHARACTER'S VOICE) Yes, that's fine.

1738
02:07:40,569 --> 02:07:43,279
Good. So, Doctor For Short,
tell us, oceanographer. . .

1739
02:07:43,405 --> 02:07:48,034
Dr. Dave. Not quite so nutty,
but good for your medical requirements.

1740
02:07:48,410 --> 02:07:49,619
(EXCLAIMS)

1741
02:07:49,745 --> 02:07:54,082
It does not surprise me that you are single.

1742
02:07:54,208 --> 02:07:57,877
Yesterday's anti-war demonstrations
in Bolton. . .

1743
02:07:59,129 --> 02:08:02,965
-Today will be mainly wet. Hey. . .
-I'm trying not to. . .

1744
02:08:03,258 --> 02:08:05,426
-I didn't mean what I said.
-You didn't?

1745
02:08:05,511 --> 02:08:09,639
No, I think you're a good guy
and you're a good egg, you know?

1746
02:08:10,432 --> 02:08:11,641
Thanks.

1747
02:08:13,602 --> 02:08:15,103
What a prick.

1748
02:08:18,148 --> 02:08:20,441
It's a shame you're a lezzer.

1749
02:08:21,652 --> 02:08:23,528
I would be nuts deep.

1750
02:08:31,537 --> 02:08:34,288
I'm gonna talk into the microphone of love.

1751
02:08:34,373 --> 02:08:40,712
And that was Spirit from their first album
entitled, not surprisingly, Spirit.

1752
02:08:41,130 --> 02:08:42,839
He's doing it. He's doing it!

1753
02:08:42,965 --> 02:08:46,134
You can't see this,
but he has just clicked on this record

1754
02:08:46,218 --> 02:08:48,970
with the right boot of his Cuban heel.

1755
02:08:54,017 --> 02:08:55,393
Very nice.

1756
02:08:57,229 --> 02:08:59,647
That's how you do it, isn't it?

1757
02:14:56,004 --> 02:14:57,338
(BLOWING WHISTLE)

1758
02:15:01,593 --> 02:15:03,594
Cheers, H. What's next?