xepher essay

Hey guys, i'm just going to start by apologising for this TXDR (Too Xeph Didn't Read) post but i hope it sheds some light on the situation surrounding me and for your sake, i hope it's the last long post i bother you all with.

So i am sure some of you already know the drama that went down, or at least my part of it but for those who do not or have been confused, i did the one thing a twitch viewer should never do, i dox'd someone. It is clear to me now, although it should have been so at the time, that this particular crime is likely the one most deserving of being called a 'sin'. This may be a shock to some, that Xepher actually went and did something like that ... others perhaps not, i do have a slight vindictive streak about me, not the most mature trait but it's something i've had a hard time dealing with in the past and those of you in my closer communities would have seen my outbursts at some point prior to this event.

Before my crime i like to think i was a rather good mod and representation of the streamers i supported, i wasn't the most informed when it came to the inner workings of twitch or software used for twitch but i knew the little things could be done and i tried my best to do them. I spent a year lurking channels, not saying a word in chat before i had my first mod sword thrown at me, so when it happened, i felt .. obligated, motivated and filled with a slight sense of purpose on twitch. This lead me to be a mod that a lot of people respected, perhaps not all enjoyed my character but they quickly saw that i would always try my best to better myself as a moderator and in turn help grow the stream. I scoured online multiple times, looking at posts from other moderators as i tried to ascertain what a good set of rules are for being a mod. Listing them would drag this out longer than it is so i will leave you with the 2 i broke the most.

1 - The streamer is always right 2 - Never challenge the streamer

You may not think the person you are moderating for is correct or has the right idea and it is always good to try and correct them or point them in the right direction.... just never do it live, never call them out live, never fight them infront of other viewers and remember that this is 'their show' .. they make the rules, whether you agree with them or not. Although i did break these 2 rules multiple times over my year as a moderator, i learnt and overtime adapted to each streamer i moderated for, changing my own rules and sometimes my character to suit their stream.. and it did make me somewhat popular with the communities, if the streamer praises me on my work, the community will follow... and it was a great feeling. I got to the point where i was lurking multiple streamers a day, i had 5 or more tabs open on chrome, just to give those i knew that +1 viewer, i joined so many twitch related discord channels that i had to start deleting a few to keep myself from hitting the 100 channel limit, i moderated for 7 different streamers, one of which, the one who believed in me and set me on this path..wanted me to be their channel editor.

So why did i throw it all away? ... the answer could be simply put as 'A gril' .. but i don't want to give the wrong idea to readers before explaining, so i would rather it be just 'another streamer'

I'm sure a lot of you just sunk your head, or shook it in response to reading that. "come on mate, you had a good thing going" .. and you have a right to, it's a silly reason and i say to that you about all things ... never let an interest get in the way of your profession. Keep them seperate if you must.

I met a new streamer, i was cautious at first due to her original approach of inviting herself into a discord channel and live stream but ... cute gril voice.. you can play with us :) Perhaps i should have listened to that caution and not invested as much as i was going to.. but i also support the idea of putting youself out there, making yourself known and just 'taking a shot' .. so who can blame her for the intrusion, it was an open door and a good play. After the stream ended i realised this new addition to our community was also a streamer herself, so i decided to check her out. ( i should not have done that) , she was not only a remarkably attractive woman but she had style, the kind of style i found appealing and she spoke, i wanted to hang around, i wanted to sub ... i wanted to be her mod. So i introduced myself, i made connections and after a few short messages ... we were getting personal. (i slid into her DM's boys!!) ahem sorry ;)

Over the next 3 months that friendship escalated into a pretty strong online bond... one where we trusted eachother and brought eachother into our online worlds. She quickly did what she could to include me in her community as i did her.. and it was fun .. however things extended past that. We spent most of our time online and the majority of that time was spent in a call together, from the moment we wake or finish work, we made a call. The 3 months overall consisted of over 150 hours of gameplay and 6 full television shows/anime, where we would sacrifice our own work and even our own health, just to spend more time together. (admittedly she sacrificed more, as she would not stream because i was somewhat keeping her to myself) The first time i felt a real trust connection was the first argument she had in my presence, she didn't want to feel alone and felt she needed a witness, so i was dragged into the voice chat and left to mediate the dispute.. it was difficult as i could see both sides but i feel my contribution helped at the time and the other party involved quickly added me to their community, thanking me for keeping my head on straight and not just picking her side. Now although i felt good about that moment it was not the last time i would hear comments about 'my beloved streamer' that would have me question some things ... but in true Xepher fashion, i ignored it, i liked this gril... maybe more than i should have or any viewer/mod should. This scenario continued, over time i would be pulled aside by others and have them ask me 'why is she like this, why does she do this' and i would sometimes be left speachless as i did not want to speak poorly of her. I could see some of the things she was doing or saying to others was not right, so i did what i could to repair the bonds she had with them and when opportunity presented itself i would try to give her more exposure or a better image, for others to admire, as i did.

In the end though things obviously went south, as i would not be writing this if the situation had persisted. We started getting agitated with eachother, for a multitude of reasons. The first being that we were always with eachother, whether we were in discord, on twitch, on battlenet or steam. We always saw eachothers names and after a while, it starts to take its toll. She told me she needed 4 days away to work, as like myself she was well behind on her duties. This would have worked well for both of us but as stated above, it was really difficult to disconnect entirely. So we started going invisible to eachother, just to get work done or get some space, at times this didn't matter as we would just pop up in the same twitch streams regardless, we were too entwined with eachothers communities at this point.

The first event that lead to my explosion was likely most petty and immature of all ... it was in game. We played a survival game together, it's not something i would normally play but it's one that she specifically asked me to purchase, just so we could play it together, she loved it. One day when we were building a new base together, she told me that she needed to get work done, she went offline and i continued on building... a few hours later i got disconnected and when attempting to log back into the server, i notice she has been in a different server, this entire time. I was a little pissed at the time, perhaps more so than i should have been but i bought this game to play with her, i just spent 4 hours building a base for us and she was playing elsewhere... and in typical Xeph fashion, i got vindictive. I went into her server and i destroyed what i could of her base.

This is where you're likely shaking your head again and...... again, you do it for good reason. That was a petty and childish thing for me to do.

The apology that i gave afterwards however was not well recieved, i knew she was similar to myself in regards to being spiteful and vindictive. Over our time together she had me message people, record streams and post reports on her behalf, or just for her .. so she could have her vengeance. One example of which was a streamer she made an emote for, who refused to give her credit. I spent 2 hours recording his stream for her, just so she could have more ammo to ban him ... and during this time she asked me to go in as a viewer and bring her name up, just so it would spark him to talk about her live ... she proceeded to get his mothers phonenumber and complain to her, so she would call him live on stream. I didn't care at the time, to be honest if something bothered her, it bothered me ... however this time, i was the one who wronged her. She refused to accept my apology, removed me from some platforms and made a post on twitter, that did not reference my name but was referencing part of the argument we just had. I didn't like this ... i made a spiteful comment of my own on the post and this pushed her to call me, on my real phone.. i had given her that number for emrgencies only but this time, she wanted a real apology and she needed it now. So i did.. however it wasn't good enough, in her words i needed to "Be on my knees with my hat in my hands, begging for her forgiveness" ... and i thought.. "for destroying your base in a game?" I refused the demand which lead the dispute into further depths. After a few days of back and forth arguing, she had removed me from her channel and started talking to people about what i had done... so i return i started calling her out on her flaws, (not being able to accept an apology being one of them.) This is something i should not have done, if she wasn't accepting my apology and continuing to bad mouth me to people, i should have just walked away.. from it all, i should have been the bigger man. It got the the point where being in the same stream together was frustrating and in the streams where she was mod, i was banned by her... i would message the streamers themselves and explain we had a personal issue going and they would unban me. I didn't want to state it as mod abuse, even though some of them said i was in my rights to do so, i assured them i would continue to keep our personal issues away from their prefessional scenes and try to sort things out offline.. but she refused to let that happen, continuing to ban and boot me, without the streamers consent. This made me look bad infront of a lot of people, eventually she got a bunch of other moderators together and pushed them into making the group decision to ban me, without the streamers consent.. this lead to one mod stepping down.

All of this because my apology wasn't good enough? I am getting bad mouthed and shut out by people because she has been done wrong in a videogame? She has been around here for years, she has made deeper connections and she is a streamer... a girl streamer, what can i do to fight that? People will just believe her be default. It made me so enraged, that i had spent this time doing what i could to strengthen her stream and her trust in people.. only to have it be torn from me little by little.

and that is when i dox'd her.

It was possibly the worst thing i have ever done in my life online and the one thing i know, i can never do again online. I wanted her to hurt, i wanted her stream to suffer.. the communities she was making my name bad in, i would hurt her in. I did it to such a degree that i was punished for it by the platforms involved and by the time i was done, thousands of people knew her private details. I don't want to delve further into my mentality at the time .. but now, i know that was a cruel and sick thing to do.

I do regret a lot of things about that day and tbh i still feel slighted in ways, she has made herself more comfortable around my previous streams, even taken my mod, whether it was given in pity or in spite towards me.. she has succeeded in keeping whatever image she has forged and keeping people quiet about me.

Maybe it was a good thing i got out, i was so determined to be the best mod that i could be, i stopped enjoying streams as a viewer, i stopped enjoying my life away from twitch and i was honestly spending more money than i could afford. Even so, it was uplifting to know that i had done some good before i blew myself up... and hopefully people still remember the good i did as their mod, even if it is not for me.. but for them. I chose to throw it all away just to hurt someone who was hurting me... i am not deserving of forgiveness or recognition in a lot of ways.

To those of you who took the time to read this, as arduous as it has been, i thank you. I apologise to you for my wrong deeds, my betrayals of trust and my overall behaviour. I leave you with some last, simple but popular words, in regards to being a mod.

Don't let your feelings cloud your judgement.

Be the best you can be whilst staying professional.. keep your emotions at the door. :)