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Jan 20th, 2018
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  1. On the distant shore of some Central American nation or another, Barack Hussein Obama luxuriated.
  2.  
  3. As the gulls cawed overhead and the clear blue waves lapped pleasantly on the pink sand, Obama sipped his piña colada and settled back into his reclining beach chair, unfolding The New York Times, his favorite fake news publication, in front of him.
  4.  
  5. President Trimp Fucks Everything Up Again
  6.  
  7. So read the headline on the front page. Beneath, a photo of the actual president standing in the midst of a ruined tower of cards, which he had clearly just knocked over, a smarmy grin on his face. In the foreground, two children cried.
  8.  
  9. Barack Hussein Obama’s eyes bulged with communist rage. “God damnit!” he yelled, throwing the newspaper right into the face of his assistant, who crouched on the ground next to him. “How could I have been made such a fool by this buffoon?”
  10.  
  11. “Yes, master,” sniveled his minion liberally, before snatching up the discarded newspaper and scurrying away.
  12.  
  13. Obama drained the rest of his drink, chucking the glass into the sea. He reached for the stack of magazines next to him, hoping for something to cheer him up.
  14.  
  15. On top was GQ magazine, with former professional wrestler-turned-actor Tyrone “The Stone” Jones on its cover. Jones for President? the cover suggested.
  16.  
  17. Obama sat up, examining the cover. Yes, he thought, reaching for his phone.
  18.  
  19. After a moment, a man answered. “This is Obama,” Obama said. “Remember our plan? I think it’s time…”
  20.  
  21. ***
  22.  
  23. Washington, D.C.
  24. August 20th, 2019
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