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Mar 20th, 2018
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  1. Person, are you nervous, me, about what, but yeah,
  2.  
  3. Nigga said you ever took a test so hard you taking that hoe backwards,
  4.  
  5. Me, I’d love to be in a relationship, is shown any kind of affection, me, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yik,
  6.  
  7. Come to my house, no, hummus, fast,
  8.  
  9. Clocks in, customer, hi, me, every single time I come here its the same bullshit,
  10.  
  11. Do you ever zone out but you’re aware that you zoned out but you’re too lazy to zone back in,
  12.  
  13. When the moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie, that’s amore, when you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, thats a moray, I’m still laughing at this, poetry,
  14.  
  15. Found another way to get to mars,
  16.  
  17. Show me your tits, time, interest, thoughtfulness, sour titties,
  18.  
  19. Oh, nothing happened, we just watched a movie,
  20.  
  21. I don’t want a black james bond, I don’t want a black, insert historically white character here, I want original black ideas, y’alls idea of inclusion is lazy,
  22.  
  23. My wife combined so many coupons the grocery store actually paid her, she’s been talking about it for 20 minutes, this is her super bowl,
  24.  
  25. Would you rather have, chlamydia,
  26.  
  27. How to make a new friend in the forest,
  28.  
  29. That museum from night at the museum, security guard, where do you think you’re going buddy the museum is closed, me, tearing up with backpack full of anime girl figurines, please sir I have to try,
  30.  
  31. It’s my turn, shut, the fuck up,
  32.  
  33. Me, hey are your parents home, orphan, crying, stop calling here,
  34.  
  35. My son is such a miserable drip I bought him a brand new trampoline for his birthday and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry,
  36.  
  37. Me after a one hour lecture, I’m freeeee, worst experience of my fucking life,
  38.  
  39. Latest brave celebrity to come forward in the Hollywood sex scandal, in 1992 Richard Were tried to insert me into his arms,
  40.  
  41. When you say bye to someone and then walk side by side with them to the exit, uncomfortable,
  42.  
  43. Your mom gay, your granpap a trap, whoa,
  44.  
  45. When she don’t know how to blend her makeup properly,
  46.  
  47. I think, I think I’ll just pass on the ice cream today, bubble gum, butt finger blast,
  48.  
  49. McDonald’s Employee fired for placing his mixtape in children’s happy meals,
  50.  
  51. Once I fix my sleep schedule, start eating healthy, get physically fit, beat depression, stop procrastinating, learn how to do taxes, get mentally strong enough to make phone calls, then it’s over for you bitches,
  52.  
  53. The girls in high school who ate hot Cheetos in their 7am class everyday know how to fight and will literally kill you,
  54.  
  55. Your parents let you have a mohawk, they have Mohawks too, whoa,
  56.  
  57. How to do a bad crime, orange, the 911 police, hey stop that,
  58.  
  59. My eye looks tight, I thought this was a new Patrick meme,
  60.  
  61. When you have a snack you don’t want anyone to see,
  62.  
  63. Me, your name please, him, Stephen with a ph, me, phteven it is,
  64.  
  65. Me, I’m hungry, moms, go make me a sandwich, me, I don’t want a sandwich, moms, then you ain’t hungry,
  66.  
  67. Lifehack, cut back on work based stress by not going,
  68.  
  69. Bavy, c-c, mom, his first words, baby, c-c-c, baby, c-cut my life into pieces this is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing,
  70.  
  71. Today I’ll teach you how to make French fries, first you cut up the potatoes, then you put them into hot oil,
  72.  
  73. When you’re behind on work but you need to finish your buzzfeed quiz so you know what kind of garlic bread you are,
  74.  
  75. How do I join this religion,
  76.  
  77. When someones tells you to stop being fake,
  78.  
  79. Sealed crustless sandwich, type, ravioli, place of origin, united states, main ingredients, bread, filling, I think thats uncrustables being considered a type of ravioli should be highly classified information,
  80.  
  81. I’ve been looking for a really specific picture of a pancake for like 20 minutes now, okay it’s been an hour now and I’ve finally found it,
  82.  
  83. When you ask her out and she says, who else coming,
  84.  
  85. Slide into the dm’s, send a really good pick up line, I have a boy friend she says, I have a boyfriend she says,
  86.  
  87. It’s ugly until Rihanna decides it’s not,
  88.  
  89.  
  90. Found my new lawyer, just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty, the law office of Larry L Archie, attorney at law,
  91.  
  92. My student loan account is locked for an hour because I entered my password wrong twice, who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay loans for me, why would I want to prevent that, please let them in,
  93.  
  94. When you planned a surprise for your friend and you’ve been trying so hard to keep a straight face all day and then finally you show it to them,
  95.  
  96. Top 10 black panther villains,
  97.  
  98. Lucas knows what you did, Keep your bitch mouth lucas,
  99.  
  100. This mannequin just threw a textbook in the garbage and told me to call it by its first name,
  101.  
  102. Bury me in armor so I’ll be ready for the skeleton war, ready, why is his fricking chest uncovered, that’s poor planning right there, what are you gonna do, stab a skeleton in the heart,
  103.  
  104. When the nap so good you have to save it for later,
  105.  
  106. Breaking, police have released footage from Stephen hawking’s wheelchair camera the night he passed away,
  107.  
  108. When you’re in the food shop and there’s a menu above the counter and one on the wall,
  109.  
  110. When my boyfriend grabs my phone, I’m not jumping for it because there’s other dudes in it, I’m jumping because I been running my mouth about how dumb he is and don’t want him to see it bc we’re good now,
  111.  
  112. Facebook, a place for savages, so much for calling me dad, let down once again, who wants to call you dad, no one, my dad said he was going to call me but he didn’t, then the correct way to say it is, so much for calling me dad, ha, who cares, not your dad obviously,
  113.  
  114. It’s 2004, dinner has just been made, the jimmy neutron/fairly odd parents special starts in 5 minutes, you beg your mom to eat in the living room so you don’t miss it, she whips this bad boy out and life is good,
  115.  
  116. When your in absolutely no state to start drinking again and someone asks if you want another drink, yes,
  117.  
  118. When you’re an innocent eggplant but people keep using you as the emoji for a dick,
  119.  
  120. 8:56, don’t go to sleep, I’m about to call you, 12:47,
  121.  
  122. A mistake I made years ago when I was a literal child and didn’t know any better, me at 3 am,
  123.  
  124. When you leave your dog at your grandma’s house for a few days,
  125.  
  126. When they randomly send a cute text message, bitch suck my tiny cock,
  127.  
  128. When you get to grade your own test,
  129. Eating between respawns, gunshots,
  130.  
  131. When you eat because you’re sad and now you’re just fat and sad,
  132.  
  133. When it’s spring for about two days then it goes back to -20 degrees,
  134.  
  135. Owl, I like to report an incident, cop, giggling, do you know hoo-dunnit, owl, I’m glad you think crime is funny, officer incompetent,
  136.  
  137. When you tell him to cum on your face but he misses and douses your brand new ghostbusters outfit,
  138.  
  139. When you. Know your crush is gonna be at the same party as you and she’s a vegetarian, I’ve got cauliflower for if a vegetarian comes,
  140.  
  141. Me, sorry can you turn that music off, it brings back bad memories of a loved one, someone, we’re playing living la vida loca, my head,
  142.  
  143. When you win the Russian presidency and congratulate your opponent on a hard fought election,
  144.  
  145. Bilingual culture is that you can understand a phrase immediately, but when someone ask your to translate it, your brain just stop working and you just die,
  146.  
  147. The effects of marijuana, before, after, still think marijuana is safe,
  148.  
  149. Why did I always cut these little pies into four slices then eat them all like a giant fat fucking ogre crashing a tiny tea party, table talk, apple pie,
  150.  
  151. When ya mom say she throwing you a birthday party, but it’s really for her,
  152.  
  153. Friends, omg we look so good post this, looks at photo in the morning,
  154.  
  155. Man finds $14k on side of the road, and turns it in to set an example, an example of what not to do,
  156.  
  157. When you’re having a roast battle but you accidentally flame your whole squad,
  158.  
  159. When obliterating mass amounts of pussy is a daily routine,
  160.  
  161. When someone keeps posting their fortnite wins, stop,
  162.  
  163. The girls that are worth it are the most difficult, so deal with it or get yourself a basic hoe, where all my basic hoes at,
  164.  
  165. When you and you bfs are recovering after night of drinking,
  166.  
  167. Coworker, how do you function so early in the morning, me, fucking strong coffee,
  168.  
  169. Caption this, when your friend is venting to you about a situation you already told them to get out of,
  170.  
  171. When your friends specifically exclude you from plans but you show up anyway and make it awkward af,
  172. My mom, not garlic bread me, my mom, not garlic bread, me,
  173.  
  174. Help I accidentally died, oh god I have done it again,
  175.  
  176.  
  177. Our new shrek play area ia ready for the children, including friends like cat in shoes, biscuit guy and unpleasant mule,
  178.  
  179. 2018 the year is the condom, we not taking no risks no more, y’all making out, condom, engaged she touch ya leg, condom, activated, you making toast, condom, fastened merging into the highway, condom, on, 15 missed calls from ya mom, condom, on ya whole body,
  180.  
  181. Legoland is a harsh place, ohio will be eliminated, It’s always ohio that gets picked on smh,
  182.  
  183. When you forget your laptop case at home,
  184.  
  185. Bout to be a hell of a night,
  186.  
  187. When your girl told you that she was gonna stay in town for spring break and you told her that you were gonna stay at your parents house in Texas and y’all catch each other in the Miami airport,
  188.  
  189. When you ask your mom for McDonald’s and she say it’s food at the house,
  190.  
  191. Allies, treaty of Versailles, hitler, Allies, treaty of Versailles, hitler,
  192.  
  193. I speak three languages, english, sarcasm, and olde high german,
  194.  
  195. Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head, mama asked the mom group and the mom group said, have you tried essential oils, I hear hyperactivity is a vaccine injury, I’m calling CPS,
  196.  
  197. Man serving plate, plate, man sitting, man sitting, plate, man throwing the plate,
  198.  
  199. This woman couldn’t decide which dog to adopt so she bought the entire shelter, goals, be so rich that you start buying animal shelters,
  200.  
  201. Why can’t I find a guy like this ugh, hey, no, I’m literally the guy in the pic,
  202.  
  203. Warning, do not get into a breath-holding contest with a naked mole rat, that’s next weekends plans out the window fucking hell,
  204.  
  205. Daniel Radcliffe is a time traveler,
  206.  
  207. Lets go to starbucks, this place’s coffee tastes like shit, two girls, one coffee cup,
  208.  
  209. Me surrounding myself with positivity and feeling it slowly change me into a more positive person,
  210.  
  211. Having siblings is wild because you can progressively see how your parents get less and less strict with each child like I would get in trouble for staying up past 9 but my little brother can stay out for 3 straight days and murder a goat farm and my parents would just shrug and say oh well,
  212.  
  213. I would proudly die fighting for my opinion on this matter, the day we collectively start respecting Tobey Maguire and what he did for us is the day we start making real progress in America,
  214.  
  215. My sister is in Egypt for work and had no mates to see the pyramids with so took her uber driver with her instead, Ahmed,
  216.  
  217. When you smash and continue to hang out with her so she doesn’t feel used,
  218.  
  219. Top 10 times hentai went too far,
  220.  
  221. When you send a meme to someone on the other side of the room and you’re waiting for their reaction,
  222.  
  223. When you go somewhere besides Cancun for spring break and you start feeling cultured AF,
  224.  
  225. When the U.S. finds out Van Gogh made his paintings out of oil,
  226.  
  227. When she’s 14 years old and hot,
  228.  
  229. Took this guy 3 minutes to get dressed,
  230.  
  231. Teachers, no phones in class, students, teachers no phones in class, students,
  232.  
  233. Friends, family, job, me, world of warcraft,
  234.  
  235. Nintendo, wii remote, not wearing the wii strap, Nintendo, wii remote, not wearing the wii strap,
  236.  
  237. Your boat looked bigger in your profile picture,
  238.  
  239. Give me lifetime membership or I will. Fuck my xbox, at xbox support, too late, at xbox support,
  240.  
  241. When your earbuds are broke but you find the one angle to hold them where they work, hackerman,
  242.  
  243. Sephora is doing bring your own bag day, you bring any size makeup bag and fill it up with as much makeup as you can for only $25 Feb 29th and 30th,
  244.  
  245. Reasons to watch porn, tiddy and booty, plot,
  246.  
  247. My babysitters will never find me, you Esther are a creature of great beauty, and she never hide,
  248.  
  249. Im so distraught, hehe,
  250.  
  251. Me, vs the puppet my parents wish they had,
  252.  
  253. The dad who packs their kids lunch and drives them in a minivan and uses irrelevant products, $1,
  254.  
  255. When he chokes me and I can still breathe, pathetic,
  256.  
  257. This is what happens when children are raised by vegans,
  258.  
  259. Prom ins 2018 be like, it’d be a #1 victory Royale if you were my date fort the nite make my solo a dub, at prom,
  260.  
  261. Go to my grandpas funeral, play fortunate battle royale,
  262.  
  263. Hey uhh can you buy cigarettes for us,
  264.  
  265. When the joke been over for n hour and you try to be serious but end up thinking about it again,
  266.  
  267. When the service is fucked up so you take money off your bill, amount, 22.47, tip, nah bra minus 2.47, total, 20,
  268.  
  269. Jesus out here looking like a snack,
  270.  
  271. What word best describes your life, me, Dumpster fire is in the Merriam Webster dictionary now defined as an utterly calamitous or mismanaged situation or occurrence,
  272.  
  273. Harden look like a proud mother holding her baby while her oldest son put on show,
  274.  
  275. How I sleep at night knowing illegal immigrant families may be torn apart through deportation,
  276.  
  277. Gordon Ramsay’s daughter is a savage, what’s it like being the daughter of the best chef in the world, but Jamie Oliver’s not my dad,
  278.  
  279. Irish car bombs, me, reflecting on the deeds of st Patrick,
  280.  
  281. Me, I want to look fancy but broke, barber, say not more fam, IKEA,
  282.  
  283. Guys, I’m in love, nothing you can say will stop me from smiling, smile if you,
  284.  
  285. White dude, wow, becky is twerking the darn thing, black dude, girl loo-loo-loo-loo-loook, lmao,
  286.  
  287. Console is trash, PC dominates Xbox and PS4 so stop arguing,
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