For context: I was in the shower, writing this on my phone. It is unpolished and is exactly as it came to me.

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Jan 5, 2026 21:16

Determining what you like and don't like about your body should be completely on an observational basis as opposed to external influence. Literally just don't think about it, dob't force anything. Just look and notice how you feel.

Notice what you like and don't like. Completely independent of external expectations.

Not sex appeal. Not the opinions of others. None of that.

This body I have is mine. I look at every vein, every muscle. The texture of my skin, every hair.

It's mine.

When I strip all of the expectation both from myself and others. The apparent euphoria of what I could have (which is often idealized or sexualized). The dysphoria of what I can't have. I notice much of is it externally imposed. Noticing it and realizing it is imposed either by others or by myself (myself that is influenced by external forces) removes it.

What is left is a gentle contentment. I notice what I genuinely like and dislike. In my case I feel delightfully neutral. I notice that I am fine even with my percieved "flaws" and "imperfections". No, in fact I find that I am content with them and I embrace them as part of me. One of my favorite concepts ever is that of perfection in imperfection. I find when I think about that and really look. I find even my flaws are beautiful.

I then realize at this point is that when look above this level of self-understanding, I realize and notice the factors that are telling me my body is not enough. That it does not have enough sex appeal. That I *should* look a certain way. That because I look a certain way I must act a certain way. That I am missing something in my body and that I need gain it via hrt.

Should I ever want hrt, it should only come if and only if, I notice that I, independent of external forces, or internal forces such as sexuality that in my neutralness I find that I genuinely want it.

My body is only a body and it is *my* body. A body is only a body, and people value or devalue bodies. That very evaluation is an abstraction, a intellectual conclusion that does not tangibly exist. You are ultimately who determines the worth of your own body. I should be the one that chooses how I change it. Not by other people or the "I" that is influenced by others. Only the I that is genuinely me, independent of anything else.

Perhaps that state is the most healthy and once it is reached, gender can be gently moved aside, only to encompass one part of my life, rather than the whole. Something that isn't noticed or even thought of. Perhaps this is what cis people feel and perhaps that is ideal.

I always knew that I'd know that my transition was complete the day I stopped thinking about it. Perhaps for now I can let this rest and if need be, should my feelings change in the future. I can gently pick it up once more and notice and feel with greater clarity and greater intent.

I take all of this into one deep breath and slowly, I let it out.

I'll let this rest for now. I move on with my day.

Loslassen.

https://youtu.be/qvynr4r-kck?si=Quaw-HMoGpafGJI_