Why does it seem

Why does it seem
like no matter what I do
people still hate me
no matter how much I try to help
I'll always be an asshole
to the ones I want so desperately
to be received by.

Whenever I try
to change the perspective
I can never find the words
and the fear and frustration
come to life inside my head
and fill my mouth with things
better left unsaid

Why don't you understand
I try to explain
but even when they finally get it
I don't even know
how I reached that point
and so next time
I start all over again
and again
and again

And for some reason
I just can't quite accept
the people around me
who actually care
and time and again
I end up pushing them away
because there's just no way
that I can be me
and still be loved

When I get lonely
I try to find
someone out there who can help
and who I can help as well
but then my brain reminds me
of all the social anxiety
bottled up in there
and I stare
a thousand miles away
wishing I could be
somewhere else
anywhere else but here.

And so I leave
alone
and anxiety vanishes
because it's estranged relative
is walking in the door
and I feel sad
like I didn't do enough
like I ruined someone's day
like no matter what I try
I still can't measure up
and find a way
to not be hated
even if the only one
who is cold enough to say it
is me

And so I sleep
because at least when I'm asleep
I can enjoy being alone
away from my thoughts
and the struggles inside of me
because sleep is the short death
that keeps me sane enough
to avoid the other.

But when I wake up
I still try
again
and again
and again
knowing I'll mess it up
knowing I'll ruin it
because if I can make just one person happy
and know their day was better
because I was there
then maybe that day
was worth being alive
maybe
it was worth the pain
of all the times I failed

Maybe the best
that anyone can ever do
is to make sure
that when they finally leave
people will look back
and remember
all the little moments
where their day was better
because of something
someone else did
and maybe
even after I'm gone
I can find some way
to keep making people's days
just a little bit brighter.

I think I'd like that.