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Gertjaars Sep 16th, 2013 176 Never
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  2. An Irregular Column
  3. by Mykel Board
  5.    I was more out of place than a leg razor at a lesbian bar.  It
  6. was the great ANARCHIST UNCONVENTION in Toronto.  I figured
  7. there'd be lot's of sex, beer, and free food.  And the best part;
  8. I could cause some trouble.  Maybe the last issue of MRR had a
  9. report of what went on.   Here's the truth
  10.    I rode up there with Mike Gunderloy, editor of FACTSHEET
  11. FIVE.  Mike's an anarcho-capitalist who believes, among other
  12. things, that highways should be privately owned and you should
  13. have a choice between driving on those that require a license and
  14. those that don't-- the latter presumably more expensive than the
  15. former.
  16.    Mike planned to distribute a leaflet from some Chicago
  17. Anarchists.  They didn't like the way things were run at the
  18. convention.  They objected to senseless "death-demonstrations"
  19. that trashed things for no reason.    They said that the
  20. organizers spend time raising money for food and future meetings
  21. and all of it winds up being used for bail.  Besides rioting
  22. could give anarchists a bad name.  The Chicagoans also objected
  23. to completely open workshops that included seemingly irrelevant
  24. topics.  "What if someone proposes to give a workshop on 'Why
  25. Anarchists should join the Churches?'" They asked.  
  26.    The Toronto newspapers gave the convention a lot of hype. "15,000
  27. Anarchists, skinheads and Nazis to descend on Toronto," they
  28. said.
  29.    Local politicians called for a full scale investigation of the
  30. city.  How could they let a bunch of mostly foreign scum use a
  31. public Civic Center for their nefarious purpose?  Organizers
  32. planned the auditorium for selling stuff, another big room as a
  33. daycare center, and the small rooms for a bunch of "workshops"
  34. on all kinds of things.  The banana-colored journalists were
  35. outraged.  Because of all the publicity, Mike and I  decided to
  36. cross the border near Montreal, then drive on to Toronto.
  37.    When I arrived I heard people shouting numbers.  "Eight!  Six!
  38. Forty two!  One!" They said.  They were all shouting at the same
  39. time, but each of them said a different number.  I peeped into
  40. the room and saw that as they shouted, the people kicked up
  41. their legs, opened their arms wide or tilted their heads to the
  42. right or to the left.  Everybody moved in unison, but no two
  43. people did the same thing at the same time.  I looked at my
  44. schedule to see what this was.  "Anarchist Aerobics Workshop,"
  45. it said.
  46.    I went to find the "bomb making" workshop listed as being in
  47. room 723.  Of course there was no room 723.  All the other rooms
  48. were numbered randomly and those numbers kept changing every
  49. five minutes.  I tried to find the men's room, but there were
  50. only two "person rooms."  Hardline anarchists objected anyway.  
  51. It was fascist to assign a specific function to a specific room.
  52. Each room should be allowed to seek its full potential and not
  53. be hampered by arbitrary human restrictions.  That was
  54. "animist."  People pissed in ashtrays and shat in coffee urns.
  55.    None of that is true.  I wish it were.  Instead of anarcho-
  56. weirdness, I got hippies.  Long haired, barefooted, patched
  57. clothed, hairy legged, dope smoking, love-in hippies.  Punk
  58. hippies, homo hippies, lesbo hippies, veggie hippies.   The free
  59. food was lentils and spinach-- mmmm boy!   I went off to Colonel
  60. Sanders and spent the three days of the convention with a chicken
  61. bone in my mouth.
  62.    You'd think that might rile up these organo-veggie hippies.  Ho,
  63. ho, not the Canadians.  They are so proper and polite you could
  64. gag.  Steve B., one of my many hosts, said he saw a Canadian
  65. anarchist with a button that said, "QUESTION AUTHORITY. . .
  66. PLEASE."  If it weren't for the Americans there, you could've
  67. never gotten a decent riot out of these folks.  Fortunately the
  68. Chicago anarchists were right and there would be lot's of window
  69. breaking.
  70.    The entire city reeked of veggies.  Their big politicos were "The
  71. Kentucky Fried Five" who graffitied the local you-know-what.
  72. How radical!  My hosts, Sean, Ruth, Al, and Ron were otherwise
  73. fine folks, but they just would not chew the bone.  Two
  74. Californians and a Brit also stayed at this house.  The three of
  75. them were part of the "vegans", an extreme veggie sect who wear
  76. veils over their faces so they didn't inadvertently inhale any
  77. insects. They carried their own Soyburger mix with them, just in
  78. case the local stuff was tainted.  Of course they ate bread.
  79.    "How could you eat bread?"  I complained.  "Don't you know that
  80. the wheat used to make that stuff is factory farmed?  First it's
  81. cut down ruthlessly, while still alive, with no anaesthetic.
  82. Then it's herded like cattle up tiny shoots where it's
  83. sadistically ground into tiny slivers and packed like sardines
  84. to be cooked for your pleasure."
  85.    They weren't too pleased with me.
  86.    There were lots of homos up there.  Besides the natives, came
  87. California computer wiz, Tommy J, and the truly flaming Tad K
  88. from Kansas.  Tad took me to my first homo bar in Toronto, but
  89. it was too early for the action to have started.  Over nice
  90. Canuk beer, Tad told me about his new band, THE GRATEFUL DEAD
  91. BOYS.  An album should be out soon called, "Young, Loud and On
  92. Acid."  The most interesting homo there was Bruce LaBruce,
  93. editor of JDs magazine and future guest editor of the all-homo
  94. issue of MRR.  Bruce is the founder of the "homocore" music
  95. movement.  He lives with this artist girl named Candy and their
  96. little female dog-- a pug.  They make 8mm movies.
  97.    Speaking of movies, he's got a sure winner you'll want to see.
  98. Dave D., of MDC stayed with Bruce while he was in town.  After
  99. the MDC show, a punk girl stumbled up to Dave.  He took her with
  100. us to Bruce's house.  The girl varied in consciousness from semi
  101. to un.  Because of her heavy use of eye make-up, you couldn't
  102. really tell if the lids were open or not.  Back at the house,
  103. Bruce showed me his collection of film noir porno videos.
  104. Through the open door I saw Dave carry the crewcut girl into the
  105. bathroom.
  106.    During an extremely arty blowjob on the TV screen, we heard Dave
  107. call out.
  108.    "Bruce, come here quick! Bring your camera!"
  109.    Dave and the semi conscious girl were in the shower.  Dave had
  110. his face nuzzled between her legs and was licking furiously.
  111. Bruce ran in with the camera.  The dog followed.  I didn't.
  112.    From the bedroom I heard running water, a gentle moaning, a
  113. slurping and an occasional yapping.  It's all on film.  That, by
  114. the way, was one of three MDC stunts that raised my opinion of
  115. the band 100%.  Another was how they got into the country in the
  116. first place.
  117.    You see, M.D.C. was banned from Canada for either politics or
  118. beastial sexual practices, I'm not sure which.  In any case,
  119. they chose to brave the border to play for the anarchists.  The
  120. band flew to Syracuse NY then waited in the airport for more
  121. than six hours.  A Canadian finally picked them up and brought
  122. them to the U.S. side of an Indian reservation.  That
  123. reservation spans both the U.S. and Canadian border. No national
  124. cops are allowed in. From inside the reservation, Indians canoed
  125. them across the river to the Canadian side.  There, in the
  126. woods, they again had to wait in fear of helicopter cops.
  127. Finally they were brought out by I-can't-tell-you-who to play
  128. for the @-boys.  Those guys have balls!  (For proof, just ask Bruce to
  129. look at the movie.)
  130.    Now let's back track.  Let's go into the community center where
  131. all these "workshops" were happening.  The organizers posted a
  132. schedule on the bulletin board.  Vertically were listed the times
  133. of each workshop, horizontally were the room numbers.  I looked
  134. down the schedule and saw the "wymyn's" workshop.  (They like
  135. spelling it like that because "woman" has the word "man" in it.
  136. They want to avoid that.  Get it?)  In parenthesis was the
  137. notation, "wymyn only."
  138.    Fortunately, there was a blank square under this listing.  Even
  139. more fortunately, I had a pen with me.  I filled in the square
  140. with a fake "Klanarchy workshop."  In parenthesis, I made the
  141. notation, "whites only."  I hope they would appreciate my biting
  142. satire.  Within half an hour, my graffiti was crossed out.
  143. Within a full hour the entire poster was torn down so no one
  144. could read through the crossout.
  145.    I went to a workshop called "Loving Alternatives."  I liked the
  146. name and was attracted to the fact that it was being held right
  147. next to the "Animal Rights" workshop.  I figured there should be
  148. some pretty wild alternatives if they combined the two.  They
  149. didn't.
  150.    About 50 people sat on the floor in a big circle.  A bulky girl
  151. started things by explaining how she had formed this
  152. "arrangement" with her boyfriend so he could see another girl on
  153. Mondays and Wednsdays and she would get Tuesdays and Thursdays.
  154. Pretty daring, huh?  Then people talked about their own ideas.  
  155. The big problem was making sure that at all times the
  156. relationships involved "love and understanding."
  157.    "What the fuck does love and understanding have to do with sex?"
  158. I asked.  "Why should sex with someone involve love anymore than
  159. eating dinner with them?"
  160.    Oh boy, did they get mad.  I was just a stupid male, with a male
  161. understanding and girls felt the connection more deeply.  I
  162. could just never understand how a womyn felt. Even the guys
  163. yelled at me for being "a man."
  164.    The nasty thing was how I wasn't allowed to defend myself.  This
  165. was an anarchist workshop, you see, so they had very strict
  166. rules.  They couldn't have a leader or a moderator.   Each
  167. speaker had to pick a person to follow him/her.  You had to give
  168. everybody a chance, so you had to pick someone who hadn't spoken
  169. before.  Of course, you weren't allowed to pick two boys in a
  170. row, because this would be sexist.  You could never answer a
  171. challenge, because you had already spoken and you had to give
  172. someone else a chance.  It was maddening!
  173.    "Who does that guy think he is?" they'd say.  "He doesn't see the
  174. beauty and mysticism of sex?"  It got worse from there.
  175. Whenever I would try to defend myself, someone would shout, "You
  176. had your turn, let others speak."  Eventually they got tired of
  177. yelling at me and started talking about themselves again.
  178.    A great moment came when a pretty blond dutch girl spoke about
  179. how she was "an incest survivor."  (Don't you just love these
  180. new phrases?  I guess I'm a "suburb survivor".)  Anyway, you
  181. could just smell the feminists' hackles rising slowly from
  182. wherever hackles raise.  "Those evil men," they were stewing,
  183. "abusing their own relatives like that.  Typical of penis
  184. mentality."
  185.    The girl continued, "I was attacked by my sister. . . "  Those
  186. hackles deflated and lay limp.   I couldn't hold back the smile.
  187. Gradually, the workshop turned more and more into a group
  188. psychotherapy session.  People took turns telling about their sex
  189. problems and what they did to overcome them.  Each story tried to
  190. out-sensitize the others.  Sometimes there was applause.
  191.    One sensitive looking young man, who, if he wasn't barefoot,
  192. should've been, meekly raised his hand.  "Right now," he said, "I
  193. am in pain."  He brought his clenched hands to his chest.  I
  194. gagged and left the room.
  195.    Outside the building was a park-like space where some people
  196. frolicked in the garden and others tried to sensitive the nearest
  197. stranger into having meaningful sex with them.  Tad introduced me
  198. to blond girl named Alex.  He met her at the last @-fest and they
  199. became good pals.  You'll read about my special "aura" later, but
  200. it was working then, because Alex said, "Hi," then walked away.
  201.    Lisa Seagul, ARTLESS's first guitar player and composer of
  202. "We Want Nuclear War", walked right by me.  I grabbed her.
  203.    "What are YOU doing here?" she asked.
  204.    "I got a ride." I said.
  205.    Bob Z walked by.  (Remember him?  He's the guy who got $22,000
  206. worth of postering tickets from the NYC sanitation department?)
  207. Bob had a knapsack full of beer.  He offered me one.  We sat
  208. drinking on the grass. Bob finished his beer.  I set mine down
  209. for a second.  It was the same second that a pair of Toronto's
  210. Finest chose to pass by.  They saw the half filled can in front
  211. of Bob and then opened his knapsack.  Another beer, same brand.
  212. Yep, Bob, the ticket magnet, got another one, $53.75, for MY
  213. beer.  Of course, Bob threw the ticket out-- or framed it.
  214.    Bored with the playground, I hooked up with Tad K., Bruce LaBruce
  215. and this reporter for Canadian TV.  We went drinking where it was
  216. legal.  Over drinks we discussed anarchism, politics, sports and
  217. stuff I don't remember.  I do remember making a rapier-witted
  218. remark that struck them cold.  I can't remember what it was, but
  219. it must've been good, because Tad answered, "Did you have a hair
  220. transplant, Mykel?"  There was a split second of dead silence and
  221. the conversation continued as if the question had never been
  222. asked.
  223.    It's taken me a long time to figure it out, but I realize that
  224. people who try to embarrass you with physical remarks are
  225. admitting they've lost.  It's like the "your mother wears combat
  226. boots" game that little kids play.  Stephan, singer of THE
  227. FALSE PROPHETS, pulls this all the time.
  228.    "So Stephan," I ask, "How come The False Prophets play at over 21
  229. clubs with big bouncers and rules that keep out punks and let in
  230. yuppies."
  231.    "You're short and you're losing your hair." replies Stephan.
  232.    Anyway, back in Toronto, Tad eventually went off to look for
  233. boys.  It was getting late, so I went hunting up some chicken
  234. wings.  I could've waited on line for three hours for the
  235. evening's free service of lentil guts and cabbage brains, but I
  236. decided against it.
  237.    That evening the first Americans were arrested.  The locals said
  238. it was immigration and not the Toronto cops who busted them.
  239. They drove a car with American license plates.  Immigration
  240. stopped them and said that they must've lied at the border.
  241. Their reasoning was this:  If they had told the border patrol
  242. that they were coming to Toronto for the anarchist convention,
  243. then they would not have been let in the country.  Since they
  244. WERE let in the country, they must've lied at the border.
  245. Because they lied at the border, they were under arrest.
  246.    "Pretty good reasoning," I thought, "those guys should be
  247. anarchists."
  248.    During the day, I heard people talk about "the orgy house."  It
  249. was also called "Cathedral B" and was supposed to be a hippy
  250. anarchist sex house.  Boys and girls of all ages and preferences
  251. lived there and supposedly strangers were welcome.  Of course I
  252. headed right over.  I went with Tom, Bruce, Dave MDC, Tad and a
  253. couple of other folks.  As I walked in I could smell the stewing
  254. Brussels Sprouts.  I had hoped for something more fishy.  The
  255. first floor was packed with pretty girls.  They looked at my
  256. leather jacket, my leather army boots, and my face and sneered
  257. once for each.  The reflection in their eyes said, "Cow
  258. Murderer!" when they looked at my jacket.  It said "Man!" when
  259. they looked at my face.
  260.    "I'm not a man!"  I wanted to say, "I'm a myn!  Do you think men
  261. are just incomplete women?  Hah!  We're independent beings with
  262. thoughts and feelings of our own!"
  263.    I didn't say any of that, though.  After all, I wanted to get
  264. laid.  I went to the downstairs room where all the girls were.
  265. They didn't seem to be DOING anything yet, but I figured it
  266. was only  a matter of time.
  267.    "Hey, get out of here," said a pretty one with a crewcut, "this
  268. is the wymyn's rooms!"  She gave me a look like I was wearing a
  269. CRASS shirt to a SKREWDRIVER show.  I apologized and went
  270. upstairs to the boys.
  271.    Tommy J, and Dave D. were already there.  Maybe it's something
  272. about me.  Bruce says I radiate a certain "hostile aura."  In any
  273. case, when I walked in the room a cold silence fell like an
  274. Iranian airliner on the crowd lying on the floor.  People
  275. suddenly grew intensely interested in things like cleaning their
  276. nails, or puffing up their jackets to make them better pillows.
  277. Tom & Dave MDC nodded hello, slightly embarrassed to know me.  I
  278. waved back, took the hint and returned to the vegan house to
  279. drink some beer.
  280.    Later I found out that, after I left, there was indeed an orgy
  281. at Cathedral B.  In fact, Tom himself started the boys' part
  282. with some "cute guy with braces."  Not only was there an orgy,
  283. but there was nearly a riot.
  284.    The "bad guys" in the Toronto scene are not the baldies, but the
  285. hair-in-the-air crew.  I met some of them at a NO MINDS show,
  286. and they seemed nice enough.  I drank their beer and hung out
  287. with them.  They told me they worshipped me.  In any case,
  288. they're not very popular with the anarcho-homo crew, that's for
  289. sure.  Now, I wasn't at the orgy/riot at Cathedral B, so I can't
  290. say exactly what happened, but here's what I heard.
  291.    It was late.  Tom and his new friend were starting the action
  292. upstairs.  Suddenly the door opens and the hair-in-the-air crew
  293. stands hostilely on the other side.
  294.    "Look at those guys," says one of them, "that's disgusting!"
  295.    "Yeah, what a bunch of sick fags," said another, "I think we
  296. should teach them a lesson."
  297.    They went on like this, their statements gradually increasing in
  298. hostility.  Most of the homoboys ignore them.  Dave MDC got up
  299. from whatever he was doing.
  300.    "Hey, these guys aren't kidding!"  He said.  Suddenly the happy
  301. homos realize that they might actually be in danger.  Dave faced
  302. the bad guys.
  303.    "You'd better leave," he said.  What happened after that isn't
  304. clear. There was some sort of confrontation, with a group of
  305. hard line hair people, their softer line supporters, Dave and
  306. the B-boys.  Eventually the hairboys left and the orgy
  307. continued.
  308.    While those guys were deep in fudge packing, I was deep in
  309. conversation back at the vegan house.  The California veilfaces
  310. explained their particular brand of anarchism.
  311.    I said I thought it was ironic that all these anti-censorship
  312. people suddenly spoke out of the other side of their @'s when it
  313. came to things like SKREWDRIVER concerts.  (If you don't know,
  314. that band has been in the U.S.  They had as much trouble getting
  315. here as MDC had in getting into Canada.  They're having an even
  316. MORE difficult time playing.  Most of the A-punks say they'd
  317. fight to stop any of their shows.  Fortunately the NO MORE
  318. CENSORSHIP DEFENSE FUND is putting up the money to hire a hall
  319. for them.)  [This is NOT true.  It's just another example
  320. of Mykel's "humor."  --TY]
  321.    Anyway, I told those vegans that I couldn't understand that kind
  322. of pro/anti-censorship hypocrisy.  
  323.    "We've made sure they can't play in the open in England,"  said
  324. one of them with a funny accent.  "They have to make special
  325. meeting places.  Then someone comes to check 'em out and takes
  326. them to the concert."
  327.    "That doesn't seem very anarchistic to me." I said.
  328.    "We're anarcho-fascists." came the reply.
  329.    To be fair, I actually liked those guys, despite the horrors they
  330. later inflicted on me.  They were smart and funny and could
  331. commiserate with me, as they seemed to be the only OTHER folks
  332. at this @-party not getting laid.
  333.    Anyway we drank ourselves to sleep.  The next morning, the
  334. vegetable people were off to go to an "Anarchy and the Military"
  335. workshop.  I went to one called "Queer Anarchists."  
  336.    At that workshop a lot of homo boys wore dresses and didn't
  337. shave their faces, presumably in solidarity with the homo girls
  338. who wore dresses and didn't shave their legs.  The anarchist
  339. rules were the same from one workshop to the other.  Only this
  340. one was even more unfair, since we had to give the girls an
  341. equal chance and there were only about a half dozen of them.
  342. Most of the girls look like they were the type who stand to
  343. piss.    I could tell the most militant because she didn't sit
  344. on her chair, but squatted on it, like a panther ready to
  345. pounce.  
  346.    One of the older gentlemen started off saying how these young
  347. homos now days don't respect their elders.  The older folks are
  348. doing all this AIDS work and the kids don't want to hear from
  349. it.  They just want to disco. They're not responsible enough to
  350. protest for more money for AIDS testing.  They don't listen to
  351. their elders.  A younger guy apologetically said he couldn't
  352. demonstrate for AIDS funding, because they use the money to test
  353. drugs and drug testing kills animals.  The others nodded in grim
  354. agreement.  It was quite an anarchists dilemma.
  355.    I didn't wait to be called on.
  356.    "Hey," I said, "Maybe the kids are right.  Maybe it isn't the
  357. most thrilling thing in the world to establish your identity
  358. from a disease you can catch.  It's bad enough to label yourself
  359. based on where you stick your penis.. . . er. . . whatever you
  360. have to stick, but to base your self-image on a sickness is
  361. pretty lame."
  362.    That got 'em mad, but they were too polite to yell.
  363.    "Oh, he's just a bi-sexual," said one of the dressboys.  "I hate
  364. bisexuals. They're all liars. They're just queers who don't have
  365. the balls to admit it."
  366.    "I'm afraid that's not right" said another,  "They're just
  367. straights who think it's fashionable and politically correct to
  368. say they're bi."
  369.    Being neither Canadian nor an anarchist, I didn't wait to be
  370. called on to defend myself.  "Why bother with labels at all?" I
  371. asked.  "Why not just say that you like whoever you like, you
  372. want to do it with whoever you want to do it with, and that's it?
  373. Why CALL yourself something?"
  374.    A guy sitting in the corner responded.  "Well personally," he
  375. said, "I like the label ANDROGYNOUS.  I feel that way I can
  376. express both parts of myself. . . "
  377.    A person is androgynous if they could be either gender.  Someone
  378. in the middle; like David Bowie in his prime or the people who
  379. go to THE CURE concerts.  This guy needed a shave and showed
  380. lots of curly chest hairs.  He was as androgynous as Hulk Hogan,
  381. but that was the label he picked.  Jee-sus!
  382.    The squatting girl raised her hand and called on herself to
  383. answer.
  384.    "I LIKE being a lesbian!"  she said, "I'm proud to be a
  385. lesbian.  It gives me an identity, a way of reaching solidarity
  386. with my sisters.  It carves me a place in the struggle."
  387.    She adjusted her sitting position to give herself greater vocal
  388. effectiveness.  She often spoke in italics.  
  389.    "MEN," she said, "especially STRAIGHT MEN are the enemy
  390. when I make myself a lesbian.  They just don't understand.
  391. There was a womyn's workshop and some MAN wrote something
  392. obscene on the poster because it was WYMYN ONLY.  Then I
  393. heard about this OTHER ASSHOLE who tried to bed down with
  394. the lesbians at Cathedral B.  THEY just don't understand.
  395. We're LESBIANS and we need our space."
  396.    Applause.
  397.    I left.
  398.    I did get to see a couple of good bands when I was there.  I
  399. didn't get to the MDC, MR. T EXPERIENCE show.  I saw NO MINDS,
  400. the fun all-girl FIFTH COLUMN, THE LAYABOUTS and FAIL SAFE.  All
  401. these are  really good Canuk bands, who might get to play in the
  402. U.S. if the Canadian parliament passes "The Free Trade Bill".
  403. FAIL SAFE, by the way, is the only punk band I've ever seen with
  404. a blind guitar player.  He goes a long way toward proving my
  405. theory that cripples are generally better than "normal people."  
  406.    Oh yeah, this Free Trade Bill is a law introduced into the
  407. Canadian parliament that repeals the duty on goods crossing the
  408. U.S.-Canadian border.  It would make U.S. records, books and
  409. other goods cheaper in Canada.  It would also make Canadian
  410. goods more available in the U.S.  (I could finally get that
  411. VILETONES single, for example.)  What's really odd about this
  412. thing is that the lefties are against it.  D.O.A. played a
  413. benefit to help defeat it.  The pink-tinged labor party sang the
  414. Canadian national anthem in parliament as a protest against it's
  415. introduction. They said (with straight faces, presumably) that
  416. Canada would loose "it's national identity" if it were passed.  
  417.    Can you imagine all these lefty nationalists?  These guys saying
  418. "my country first, and fuck freedom of access?"  Can you imagine
  419. DOA wanting to make it hard for MDC to play in Canada?  I wonder
  420. how many other Canadian anarchists are against free trade.
  421. Politics does make funny bedmates-- no?
  422.    On the next to last day of festivities, there was the giant party
  423. in the park.  If you weren't around in 1966, you didn't have to
  424. be.  The Toronto @-people brought their own time machine.  When
  425. I got there, a bunch of them beat on drums, oil kegs and who
  426. knows what else.  Another barefoot crew was wildly dancing to the
  427. drumbeat, carried off to mental Grateful Dead land.  There were
  428. boxes of green things and pita bread for those who wanted to eat.  
  429.    Off to one side, another bunch of folks  discussed the next
  430. convention.  It'll be in San Francisco.  They also discussed the
  431. demonstration scheduled for the next day.  The U.S. had shot
  432. down that plane, so they had a good excuse to riot.  I didn't
  433. hang around for the discussion.  I'd rather go shopping than
  434. rioting.
  435.    Overhead, two blimps circled.  One was from Goodyear, the other
  436. from a Canuk company called OV.  These companies paid the bail
  437. bill for the anarchists in exchange for being allowed to
  438. advertise at the gathering.
  439.    A stage was set up.  An all girl band played and they invited
  440. lot's of people on stage to beat on things.  The hot weather let
  441. people pull off their shirts.  Couples were making out on the
  442. grass.  Under a tree, Tom  prepared his latest find for future
  443. drilling.  Alex, the girl that Tad had introduced me to, came
  444. running up to me through the crowd.
  445.    "Hey," she said, "when Tad introduced us, I didn't realize you
  446. were MYKEL BOARD."
  447.    I smiled an "aw shucks" smile and kicked the dirt with the toe of
  448. my boot.
  449.    Alex called to another girl.
  450.    "Hey Collette," she said, "this is Mykel Board.  LET'S GET HIM!"
  451.    Before I knew what hit me, they tackled me.  Alex pulled at my
  452. shirt.  As I reached up to keep it on, Collette went for my belt.
  453. It was the second time in a year that I was to become an
  454. attempted rape survivor.
  455.    When I let got of the T-shirt, Alex pulled it up over my head.
  456. Trying to keep my pants closed with one hand, I reached up to
  457. save my shirt with the other.  It was too late.  Alex took my
  458. arms and pulled them up over my head.  She managed to pull the
  459. shirt completely off me while Collette fumbled at my waist.  
  460.    Then she sat on me.  Collette grabbed my legs.  By this time
  461. another girl, Becky, had joined the gang bang.  I managed to roll
  462. over onto my stomach.  While still fighting for my pants, I
  463. realized that Alex had gotten a marking pen from somewhere.  The
  464. girls held me down.   Alex used my back as a public billboard.  
  465.    "I support the struggle of oppressed wymyn everywhere," she wrote
  466. indelibly.  Then they turned me over.  Collette sat on my pelvis
  467. and Becky held my hands.  Nearby, Bruce took movies and Mike G.
  468. smiled.  So much for male solidarity.
  469.    Alex drew two arrows on my chest, one pointing to each of my
  470. nipples.  The base of the arrows came down to my stomach where
  471. she printed, "These are tits too!"
  472.    "OK," I shouted, "you've had your fun.  Now give me back my
  473. shirt."
  474.    "Nope," said Alex, "you've got to walk around the whole city like
  475. that.  It'll help you pay back some of the shit you've been doing
  476. for these past years."  She stuffed the shirt in her pants'
  477. pocket and ran.
  478.    Later at the festival, Tad managed to corner her and grab the
  479. shirt from her pocket.  "I always wondered what it would be like
  480. to get into a girl's pants." he said.
  481.    The victory was short lived, though.  Alex soon stole it back
  482. and-- to my knowledge-- still has it.  Was that it?  Was that
  483. the end of my torture at the hands of sadistic anarchists?  You
  484. bet it wasn't.  
  485.    I want back to the veggie house to get something to cover my
  486. upper body.  The vegans were waiting for me.  
  487.    "Hey Mykel," they said, "come on out to the car.  We want to show
  488. you something."  
  489.    I should've smelled a rotten turnip right then, but I was still
  490. stunned from my attack in the park.  I walked out to the car.
  491. They took out the box of "instant Tofu-loaf mix."  
  492.    "Uh oh," I thought.  I was right.
  493.    Again I was tackled.  Right there on some stranger's front yard.
  494. One of the veggies must've eaten a lot of spinach, because he weighed
  495. almost 200 pounds.  It only took one of him to hold me down,
  496. while the Brit opened the box of Tofu mix.  Sean squeezed my
  497. cheeks to force my mouth open.  The stuff tasted like salted
  498. sand.  I choked on it as it filled my mouth and spilled over
  499. into my hair, over my chest, in my ears.  Meanwhile, the regular
  500. residents of the house were happily snapping away with their
  501. instamatics.  
  502.    Anything else?  Oh yeah, there was a riot.  They burned flags.
  503. The papers said, "We told you so."  A bunch of people got
  504. arrested.  Lot's of money was used for bail.  I went to a Blue
  505. Jays game with Steve B & Al.  The Blue Jays lost.
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