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- Episode 1 - Captain Cook
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- [The dugout. Blackadder is sitting in a chair reading a book. A record is
- playing softly. Scratching noises are heard.]
- Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
- Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet sir.
- Blackadder: What are you carving?
- Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
- Blackadder: Why?
- Baldrick: It's a cunning plan actually.
- Blackadder: Of course it is.
- Baldrick: You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet
- with your name on it?
- Blackadder: Yes?
- Baldrick: Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it,
- I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself.
- Blackadder: Oh, shame.
- Baldrick: And, the chances of there being two bullets with my name
- on them are very small indeed.
- Blackadder: That's not the only thing around here that's "very small
- indeed". Your brain for example, is so minute, Baldrick,
- that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open there
- wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water-biscuit.
- [George enters.]
- George: Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard's your uncle.
- Blackadder: In English we say, "Good Morning".
- George: Look what I got for you sir.
- Blackadder: What?
- George: It's the latest issue of "King & Country". Oh, damn
- inspiring stuff; the magazine that tells the Tommies the
- truth about the war.
- Blackadder: Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows
- of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.
- [flicks through paper]
- George: Come, come, sir, now. You can't deny that this fine
- newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
- Blackadder: Certainly not, I just think that more could be achieved by
- giving them some real toilet-paper. [hands paper back to
- George]
- George: Not with you at all sir, what could any patriotic chap
- have against this magnificent mag?
- Blackadder: Apart from his bottom?
- George: Yes.
- Blackadder: Well look at it. [takes the paper again] I mean the
- stuff's about as convincing as Dr. Crippen's defence
- lawyer. The British Tommies are all portrayed as six foot
- six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.
- George: Thoroughly inspiring stuff. And look sir, this also
- arrived for you this morning. [hands paper bag to
- Blackadder]
- Blackadder: [opening bag, taking out a revolver] Hmm, do you know what
- this is, Lieutenant?
- George: It's a good old service revolver.
- Blackadder: Wrong. It's a brand new service revolver, which I've
- suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell
- something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of
- Baldrick's apple crumble.
- George: That's funny sir, because we didn't order those new
- trench-climbing ladders either.
- Blackadder: New ladders?
- George: Yeah, came yesterday. I issued them to the men, and they
- were absolutely thrilled. [calls to Baldrick] Isn't that
- right men?
- Baldrick: [from the doorway] Yes sir, first solid fuel we've had
- since we burned the cat.
- Blackadder: Something's going on, and I think I can make an educated
- guess what it is. Something which you, George, would find
- hard to do. [they go outside into the trench]
- George: Ah, true, true. Where I was at school, education could go
- hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school
- song very loud, and take a hot crumpet from behind without
- blubbing.
- Blackadder: I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded human being with
- a degree from the university of life, a diploma from the
- school of hard knocks, and three gold stars from the
- kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of me. My
- instincts lead me to deduce that we are at last about to
- go over the top. [peers over the top of the trench with a
- periscope]
- George: Great Scott sir, you mean, you mean the moment's finally
- arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darned good British
- style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?
- Blackadder: If you mean, "Are we all going to get killed?" Yes.
- Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another
- gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches
- closer to Berlin.
- George: Right! Bravo-issimo! Well let's make a start eh, up and
- over to glory, last one in Berlin's a rotten egg.
- Blackadder: Give me your helmet, lieutenant.
- [George hands his helmet to Blackadder, who throws it up
- into the sky. Immediately heavy machine-gun fire is heard.
- He catches the helmet, which now has over 20 holes in it,
- and gives it back to George.]
- George: Yes, some sort of clever hat-camouflage might be in order.
- Baldrick: Permission to speak sir.
- Blackadder: Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread.
- Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed sir.
- Blackadder: Ah yes, what is it?
- Baldrick: Cooking.
- Blackadder: I see. [enters the dugout again]
- Baldrick: You know staff HQ is always on the lookout for good cooks?
- Well, we go over there, we cook 'em something, and get out
- of the trenches that way.
- Blackadder: Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.
- Baldrick: Is it?
- Blackadder: Yes, it's superb.
- Baldrick: [delighted] Permission to write home immediately sir, this
- is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! For
- centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be
- total pig-swill. My mother will be as pleased as Punch.
- Blackadder: Hm-hm, if only she were as good-looking as Punch,
- Baldrick. There is however one slight flaw in the plan.
- Baldrick: Oh?
- Blackadder: You're the worst cook in the entire world.
- Baldrick: Oh yeah, that's right.
- Blackadder: There are amoeba on Saturn who can boil a better egg than
- you. Your Filet Mignon in sauce Bernaise look like
- dog-turds in glue.
- Baldrick: That's because they are.
- Blackadder: Your plum-duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with
- rabbit-droppings.
- Baldrick: I thought you wouldn't notice.
- Blackadder: Your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.
- Baldrick: Again it's.....
- Blackadder: If you were to serve one of your meals in staff HQ you'd
- be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia
- Borgia invited 500 of her close friends around for a
- wine-and-anthrax party. No, we'll have to think of a
- better plan than that.
- Baldrick: Right, how about a nice meal, while you chew it over?
- Blackadder: [suspicious] What's on the menu?
- Baldrick: Rat. [shows him a big black rat] Saute or fricassee.
- Blackadder: [peers at the rat] Oh, the agony of choice. Saute
- involves...?
- Baldrick: Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, and you marinade it
- in a puddle for a while.
- Blackadder: Hmm, for how long?
- Baldrick: Until it's drowned. Then you stretch it out under a hot
- light bulb, then you get within dashing distance of the
- latrine, and then you scoff it right down.
- Blackadder: So that's sauteing, and fricasseeing?
- Baldrick: Exactly the same, just a slightly bigger rat.
- Blackadder: Well, call me Old Mr. Un-adventurous but I think I'll give
- it a miss this once.
- [George enters, wearing a new hat decorated with
- barbed-wire.]
- Baldrick: Fair enough sir, more for the rest of us.
- [to George] Eh sir?
- George: Absolutely, Private. Tally-ho BARF BARF.
- [The telephone rings, Blackadder picks it up.]
- Blackadder: Hello, the Savoy Grill. Oh, it's you..... yes..... yes,
- I'll be over in 40 minutes.
- Baldrick: Who was it then sir?
- Blackadder: Strangely enough Baldrick, it was Pope Gregory IX,
- inviting me for drinks aboard his steam-yacht "The Saucy
- Sue", currently wintering in Montego Bay with the England
- Cricket team and the Balinese goddess of plenty.
- Baldrick: Really?
- Blackadder: No, not really. I'm ordered to HQ. No doubt that idiot
- General Melchett is about to offer me some attractive new
- opportunities to have my brains blown out for Britain.
- ---------------
- [At staff HQ. Darling is at his desk writing; Blackadder enters.]
- Blackadder: What do you want, Darling?
- Darling: It's Captain Darling to you. General Melchett wants to see
- you about a highly important secret mission.
- Melchett: [enters] What's going on, Darling?
- Darling: Captain Blackadder to see you sir.
- Melchett: Ah, excellent. Just a short back and sides today I think,
- please.
- Darling: Er, that's Corporal Black, sir. Captain Blackadder is here
- about the other matter sir, the [lowers his voice] secret
- matter.
- Melchett: Ah, yes, the special mission. At ease Blackadder. Now,
- what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top-secret,
- is that clear?
- Blackadder: It is sir.
- Melchett: Now, I've compiled a list of those with security
- clearance, have you got it Darling?
- Darling: Yes sir.
- Melchett: Read it please.
- Darling: It's top security sir, I think that's all the Captain
- needs to know.
- Melchett: Nonsense! Let's hear the list in full!
- Darling: Very well sir. "List of personnel cleared for mission
- Gainsborough, as dictated by General C. H. Melchett: You
- and me, Darling, obviously. Field Marshal Haig, Field
- Marshal Haig's wife, all Field Marshal Haig's wife's
- friends, their families, their families' servants, their
- families' servants' tennis partners, and some chap I
- bumped into the mess the other day called Bernard."
- Melchett: So, it's maximum security, is that clear?
- Blackadder: Quite so sir, only myself and the rest of the English
- speaking world is to know.
- Melchett: Good man. Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a
- brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the
- field. [they gather around a model of the battlefield]
- Blackadder: Now, would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of
- our trenches and walking slowly towards the enemy sir?
- Darling: How can you possibly know that Blackadder? It's classified
- information.
- Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time, and the
- seventeen times before that.
- Melchett: E-E-Exactly! And that is what so brilliant about it! We
- will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing
- precisely what we have done eighteen times before is
- exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time!
- There is however one small problem.
- Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered the first ten
- seconds.
- Melchett: That's right! And Field Marshal Haig is worried that this
- may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to
- find a way to cheer them up.
- Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious
- solution.
- Melchett: Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling! Take a
- look at this: "King & Country".
- Blackadder: Ah, yes, without question my favourite magazine; soft,
- strong and thoroughly absorbent.
- Melchett: Top-hole Blackadder, I thought it would be right up your
- alley. Now, Field Marshal Haig's plan is this; to
- commission a man to do an especially stirring painting for
- the cover of the next issue, so as to really inspire the
- men for the final push. What I want you to do, Blackadder,
- is to labour night and day to find a first rate artist
- from amongst your men.
- Blackadder: Impossible sir. I know from long experience that my men
- have all the artistic talent of a cluster of colourblind
- hedgehogs... in a bag.
- Melchett: Hm, well that's a bit of a blow. We needed a man to leave
- the trenches immediately.
- Blackadder: Leave the trenches?
- Melchett: Yes.
- Blackadder: Yes, I wonder if you've enjoyed, as I have sir, that
- marvellous painting in the National Portrait Gallery, "Bag
- Interior", by the colourblind hedgehog workshop of Sienna.
- Darling: I'm sorry, are you saying you can find this man?
- Blackadder: I think I can. And might I suggest sir that having left
- the trenches, it might be a good idea to post our man to
- Paris [points on Melchett's map], in order to soak up a
- little of the artistic atmosphere. Perhaps even Tahiti
- [points], so as to produce a real masterpiece.
- Melchett: Yes, yes, but can you find the man?!
- Blackadder: Now I know I can sir. Before you say "Sunflowers" I'll
- have Vincent van Gogh standing before you.
- ---------------
- [Back in the trenches. Blackadder is painting, George is looking over his
- shoulder.]
- George: No, don't stop sir. It's coming, it's definitely coming.
- I, hm, yeah, ah, er, hm. I just wonder if two socks and a
- hand-grenade is really the sort of thing that covers of
- "King & Country" are made of.
- Blackadder: They will be when I painted them being shoved up the
- Kaiser's backside.
- [George walks over to Baldrick.]
- George: Ah, now, now this is interesting.
- Blackadder: What is?
- George: Well, Private Baldrick is obviously some kind of an
- impressionist.
- Blackadder: The only impression he can do is of a man with no talent.
- What's it called Baldrick? "The Vomiting Cavalier"?
- George: That's not supposed to be vomit; it's dabs of light.
- Baldrick: No, it's vomit.
- George: Yes, now er, why did you choose that?
- Baldrick: You told me to sir.
- George: Did I?
- Baldrick: Yeah, you told me to paint whatever comes from within, so
- I did my breakfast. Look, there's a little tomato.
- Blackadder: Hopeless. If only I'd paid attention in nursery art-class
- instead of spending my entire time manufacturing
- papier-mache willies to frighten Sarah Wallis.
- George: You know it's funny, but painting was the only thing I was
- ever any good at.
- Blackadder: Well, it's a pity you didn't keep it up.
- George: Well, as a matter of fact I did, actually. I mean [takes
- out pictures] I mean normally I hadn't thought I would
- show them to anyone, because they're just embarrassing
- daubs really, but you know, ah, they give me pleasure. I'm
- embarrassed to show them to you now as it happens, but
- there you go, for what they're worth. To be honest, I
- should have my hands cut off, I mean...
- Blackadder: George! These are brilliant! Why didn't you tell us about
- these before?
- George: Well you know, one doesn't want to blow one's own trumpet.
- Blackadder: You might at least have told us you had a trumpet. These
- paintings could spell my way out of the trenches.
- George: Yours?
- Blackadder: That's right, ours. All you have to do is paint something
- heroic to appeal to the simple-minded Tommy. Over to you
- Baldrick.
- Baldrick: How about a noble Tommy, standing with a look of horror
- and disgust over the body of a murdered nun, what's been
- done over by a nasty old German.
- George: Excellent. I, I can see it now; "The Nun and the Hun".
- Blackadder: Brilliant! No time to lose. George, set up your easel,
- Baldrick and I will pose. This is going to be art's
- greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and told Leonardo
- da Vinci she was in a slightly odd mood. Baldrick, you lie
- down in the mud and be the nun.
- Baldrick: I'm not lying down there, it's all wet.
- Blackadder: Well, let's put it this way; either you lie down and get
- wet, or you're knocked down and get a broken nose.
- Baldrick: Actually it's not that wet, is it?
- Blackadder: No. [pushes Baldrick down, splat]
- Baldrick: Who are you going to be then sir? The noble Tommy?
- Blackadder: Precisely, standing over the body of the ravaged nun.
- Baldrick: I want a wimple.
- Blackadder: You should have gone before we started the picture.
- Baldrick: You know, the funny thing is, my father was a nun.
- Blackadder: [firmly] No he wasn't.
- Baldrick: He was so, sir. I know, 'cos whenever he was up in court,
- and the judge used to say "occupation", he'd say "nun".
- [George enters, dressed in painter's smock and hat,
- carrying a palette and easel.]
- Blackadder: Right. [to George] You're ready?
- George: Just about sir, yes. Erm, if you just like to pop your
- clothes on the stool.
- Blackadder: I'm sorry?
- George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there.
- Blackadder: You mean, you want me... tackle out?
- George: Well, I would prefer so sir, yes.
- Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one
- of the first things that everyone notices is that all the
- protagonists have got their clothes on. Neither we, nor
- the Hun, favour fighting our battles "au naturel".
- George: Sir, it's artistic licence. It's willing suspension of
- disbelief.
- Blackadder: Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my
- willie suspension. Now, get on and paint the bloody thing,
- sharpish!
- ---------------
- [Later. The painting is ready.]
- Blackadder: Brilliant George, it's a masterpiece. The wimple suits you
- Baldrick.
- Baldrick: But it completely covers my face.
- Blackadder: Exactly. Now then, General Melchett will be here at any
- moment. When he arrives, leave the talking to me, all
- right? I like to keep an informal trench, as you know, but
- today you must only speak with my express permission, is
- that clear? [sharply] Is that clear?
- [With a note of regret] Permission to speak.
- George: \ Yes sir, absolutely.
- Baldrick: / Yes sir.
- Darling: [outside] Attention! [entering] Dugout, attention!
- [Melchett enters.]
- Melchett: Excellent, at ease. Now then Blackadder, where would you
- like me to sit? I thought just a simple trim of the
- moustache today, nothing drastic.
- Darling: We're here about the painting sir.
- Melchett: Oh, yes, of course. [seeing George] Good Lord, George,
- hahahaaa, how are you my boy? [nothing] I said how are
- you?
- Blackadder: Permission to speak.
- George: Absolutely top-hole sir, with a ying and a yang and a
- yippetty-doo.
- Melchett: Splendid! And your uncle Bertie sends his regards. I told
- him you could have a week off in April; we don't want you
- missing the Boat Race, do we?
- Blackadder: Permission to speak.
- George: Certainly not. Permission to sing boisterously sir?
- Blackadder: If you must.
- George: Row, row, row your boat,
- Melchett: [joins in] gently down the stream. Belts off, trousers
- down, isn't life a scream. HAI!
- Blackadder: Fabulous, university education, you can't beat it.
- Melchett: Bravo, now [moving on to Baldrick] what have we here?
- Name?
- Blackadder: Permission to speak.
- Baldrick: Baldrick, sir.
- Melchett: Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip, and zing zang spillip. Looking
- forward to bullying off for the final chukka?
- Blackadder: Permission to speak.
- [Silence.]
- Blackadder: Answer the General Baldrick.
- Baldrick: I can't answer him sir, I don't know what he's talking
- about.
- Melchett: Aah, are you looking forward to the big push? [pinches
- Baldrick's cheek]
- Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified. [pinces Melcett's]
- Melchett: The healthy humour of the honest Tommy. Hahaaa, don't
- worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain
- Darling and I are behind you.
- Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you.
- Melchett: Right, well stand by your beds. Let's have a look at this
- artist of yours, Blackadder. Next to me, Darling.
- Darling: Thank you sir. [sits down next to Melchett]
- Melchett: So, ah, have you found someone?
- Blackadder: Yes sir, I think I have; none other than young George
- here.
- Melchett: Oh, bravo. Well, let's have a shufti then.
- Blackadder: This is called "War". [shows his own painting]
- Melchett: Damn silly title George. Looks more like a couple of his
- socks and a stick of pineapple to me.
- George: Ah, permission to speak sir?!
- Blackadder: Er, I think not actually.
- Melchett: Quite right, if what happens when you open your mouth is
- anything like what happens when you open your paintbox,
- we'd all be drenched in phlegm. Oh no, this isn't what
- we're looking for at all, is it Darling?
- Darling: No sir.
- Melchett: No sir!
- Blackadder: There is this sir, it's Private Baldrick's, [shows
- painting] he's called it "My family and other animals".
- Melchett: Oh, good Lord no.
- Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid that's about it sir. Apart from ... this
- little thing. [show George's painting]
- Melchett: Ah, now, that's more like it!
- Darling: Who painted this Blackadder?
- Blackadder: Well actually it was me.
- George: Permission to speak, really quite urgently sir!
- Melchett: Damn and blast your goggly eyes! Will you stop
- interrupting, George! Now, this is excellent! [shakes
- Blackadder's hand] Congratulations man! It's totally
- inspiring, makes you want to jump over the top and yell
- "Yah-boo sucks to you, Fritsie".
- Blackadder: Thank you sir.
- Darling: Are you sure you did this, Blackadder?
- Blackadder: Of course I'm sure.
- Darling: I'm afraid I don't believe you.
- Blackadder: How dare you Darling!? [to Melchett] You know I can't let
- that slur pass, sir... What possible low, suspicious,
- slanderous reasons could this "office-boy" have to think
- that I didn't paint the picture?
- Darling: Well, three reasons as a matter of fact. Firstly: you're
- in it.
- Blackadder: It's a self-portrait.
- Darling: Secondly: you told us you couldn't paint.
- Blackadder: Well, one doesn't want to blow one's own trumpet.
- George: Permission...
- Blackadder: Denied.
- Darling: And thirdly: it's signed "George".
- Blackadder: [walks over to painting, looks closely at corner] Well
- spotted. But not signed "George", dedicated "to George",
- King George. Gentlemen; The King!
- All: [snapping to attention] The King!
- Baldrick: Where?
- Melchett: Bravo Blackadder, I have absolutely no hesitation in
- appointing you our official regimental artist. You're a
- damn fine chap, not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking,
- blotter-jotter like Darling here, eh Darling?
- Darling: No sir.
- Melchett: No sir! Well, accompany us back to HQ immediately.
- Darling: Attention!
- [Melchett and Darling exit.]
- George: Permission to jolly well speak right now sir, otherwise I
- might just burst like a bally balloon.
- Blackadder: Later George. Much later.
- ---------------
- [At Headquarters.]
- Melchett: Congratulations on your new appointment, Blackadder.
- Blackadder: Thank you sir.
- Darling: And may I say Blackadder, I'm particularly pleased about
- it.
- Blackadder: Are you.
- Darling: [smugly] Oh yes.
- Melchett: Now that you are our official war-artist, we can give you
- the full briefing. The fact is, Blackadder, that the "King
- & Country" cover story was just a... cover story. We want
- you, as our top painting bod, to leave the trenches...
- Blackadder: Good.
- Melchett: Tonight...
- Blackadder: Suits me.
- Melchett: And go out into no-man's-land.
- Blackadder: No-man's-land.
- Melchett: Yeeeeeees.
- Blackadder: Not Paris.
- Melchett and Darling:
- Noooooooo.
- Melchett: We want you to come back with accurate drawings of the
- enemy positions.
- Blackadder: You want me to sit in no-man's-land, painting pictures of
- the Germans.
- Melchett: Precisely! Good man!
- Blackadder: Well, it's a very attractive proposition, gentlemen, but
- unfortunately not practical. You see, my medium is light.
- It'll be pitch dark; I won't be able to see a thing.
- Melchett: Ah, hm, that is a point. I tell you what: we'll send up a
- couple of flares. You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree.
- Blackadder: Oh, excellent, excellent, glad I checked.
- ---------------
- [Blackadder, Baldrick and George crawling across no-man's-land.]
- Blackadder: All right, total and utter quiet, do you understand? So
- for instance if any of us crawl over any barbed wire they
- must on no account goaaAAAAAAAAAAHH!
- Baldrick: Have you just crawled over some barbed wire sir?
- Blackadder: No Baldrick, I just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream.
- Baldrick: Oh, that's all right then.
- Blackadder: Now, where the hell are we?
- George: Well, it's difficult to say, we appear to have crawled
- into an area marked with mushrooms.
- Blackadder: [patiently] What do those symbols denote?
- George: Pfff. That we're in a field of mushrooms?
- Blackadder: Lieutenant, that is a military map, it is unlikely to list
- interesting flora and fungi. Look at the key and you'll
- discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking.
- George: Good Lord, you're quite right sir, it says "mine". So,
- these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.
- Blackadder: Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine-field.
- Baldrick: Oh dear.
- George: So, he owns the field as well?
- [Machine-guns fire.]
- George: [yelling] THEY'RE FIRING SIR, THEY'RE FIRING.
- [The guns stop.]
- Blackadder: Ah yes, thank you Lieutenant. If they hit me you'll be
- sure to point it out, won't you. Now come on, get on with
- your drawing and let's get out of here.
- George: Well, surely we ought to wait for the flare sir? You see,
- my medium is light.
- Blackadder: Just use your imagination for heavens sake. [thinks] Wait
- a minute, that's the answer. I can't believe I've been so
- stupid.
- Baldrick: Yeah, that is unusual, 'cos usually I'm the stupid one.
- George: Well, I'm not over-furnished in the brain department.
- Blackadder: Well, on this occasion I've been stupidest of all.
- George: Oh, now sir! I will not have that! Baldrick and I will
- always be more stupid than you. Isn't that right Baldrick?
- [standing up] Stupid, stupid, stupid.
- Baldrick: Yeah, [standing up also] stupidy, stupidy, stupidy.
- [Flares are fired, lighting up George and Baldrick.
- Blackadder cowers on the ground.]
- George: Stupidest stupids in the whole history of stupidityness.
- [Machine-gun fire; Baldrick and George jump down; the guns
- stop.]
- Blackadder: Finished? I think the obvious point is this: we'll go
- straight out to the dugout and do the painting from there.
- You do the most imaginative, most exciting possible drawing
- of German defences from your imagination.
- George: Oh I see, now that is a challenge.
- Blackadder: Quite. Come on, let's get out of here.
- George: Oh sir, just one thing. If we should happen to tread on a
- mine, what do we do?
- Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet
- into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
- ---------------
- [Back at Headquarters.]
- Darling: Are you sure this is what you saw Blackadder?
- Blackadder: Absolutely. I mean there may have been a few more armament
- factories, and [looks sideways at George] not quite as
- many elephants, but...
- Melchett: Well, you know what this means...
- Darling: If it's true sir, we'll have to cancel the push.
- Melchett: Exactly....
- George: Damn!
- Blackadder: What a nuisance...
- Melchett: ...Exactly what the enemy would expect us to do, and
- therefore exactly what we shan't do!
- Blackadder: Ah.
- Melchett: Now, if we attack where the line is strongest, then Fritz
- will think that our reconnaissance is a total shambles.
- This will lull him into a sense of false security, and
- then next week we can attack where the line is actually
- badly defended. And win the greatest victory since the
- Winchester flower-arranging team beat Harrow by twelve
- sore bottoms to one!
- Blackadder: Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir?
- Melchett: So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder!
- George: Permission to shout "Bravo" at an annoyingly loud volume
- sir?
- Melchett: Permission granted.
- George: [annoyingly loud volume] BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!
- Melchett: That's the spirit. Just your kind of caper eheh,
- Blackadder?
- Blackadder: Oh yes.
- Darling: Good luck against those elephants...
- [Blackadder and George salute and leave.]
- ---------------
- [In the dugout.]
- Blackadder: Get me a chisel and some marble Baldrick.
- George: Oh, you're taking up sculpture now sir?
- Blackadder: No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
- George: What are you going to put on it?
- Blackadder: "Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed."
- Baldrick: Are we goin' over, are we sir?
- Blackadder: Yes, we are. Unless I can think of some brilliant plan.
- Baldrick: Would you like some "rat-au-van" to help you think? [shows
- Blackadder a tin plate with a very flat rat on it]
- Blackadder: "Rat-au-vin"?
- Baldrick: Yeah, it's rat that's been...
- Blackadder: [joins in] ..run over by a van. No thank you Baldrick.
- Although it gives me an idea. Telephone please.
- ---------------
- [Headquarters, later that night. Melchett and Darling are dining.]
- Darling: I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the
- top by now.
- Melchett: Yes. God, I wish I were out there with them, dodging the
- bullets, instead of having to sit here drinking this
- chateau Lafite, eating these Filets Mignon in sauce
- Bernaise.
- Darling: My thoughts exactly sir. Damn this Chateau Lafite.
- Melchett: He's a very brave man, Blackadder. And of course that
- Lieutenant of his, George, Cambridge man you know. His
- uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college.
- Slightly unusual taste, this sauce Bernaise...
- Darling: Yes sir, and to be quite frank, these mignon are a
- little... well...
- Melchett: What?
- Darling: Well, dungy.
- Melchett: What on earth's wrong with our cook?
- Darling: Well, it's a rather strange story sir.
- Melchett: Oh? Tell, tell.
- Darling: Well sir, I received a phonecall this afternoon from Pope
- Gregory IX, telling me that our cook had been selected for
- the England Cricket team and must set sail for the West
- Indies immediately.
- Melchett: Really?
- Darling: Then a moment later, the phone rang again. It was a trio of
- wandering Italian chefs, who happened to be in the area,
- offering their services. So I had the quartermaster take
- them on at once.
- Melchett: Ah, hm, Hm, HM , Ah, Oh, OH!! Jumping giblets! Are you
- sure these are real raisins in this plum-duff?
- Darling: Oh yes, I'm sure they are sir. Everything will be alright,
- once the cream custard arrives.
- ---------------
- [Back in the dugout. Blackadder, George and Baldrick enter, wearing cooks'
- aprons and huge black false moustaches. Baldrick is carrying a jug and a
- small kitten.]
- George: Well all jolly good fun sir. But dash it all, we appear to
- have missed the big push.
- Blackadder: Oh damn, so we have. One thing puzzles me Baldrick; how did
- you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat?
- ---
- Episode 2 - Corporal Punishment
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- (in BA's quarters; Edmund is on the phone)
- Edmund: You'd like to book a table for three by the window for 9.30 PM,
- not too near the band, in the name of Obel-ointment Fungentula.
- Yes, yes, I think you might have the wrong number. Alright.
- (hangs up; enter George)
- George: Rather close line there, eh sir? That phone system is a shambles
- no wonder we haven't had any orders!
- Edmund: Oh, on the contrary, George, we've had plenty of orders. We have
- orders for six meters of Hungarian crushed velvet curtain material,
- four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave
- picking up from 14 Arnost Grove Raintop Bell.
- George: Rather we don't want those sort of orders, we want orders to Deck Old
- Glory. When are we going to give Fritz a taste of our British spunk?
- Edmund: George, please. No one is more anxious to advance than I am, but until
- I get these communication problems sorted out, I'm afraid we're stuck.
- (phone rings) Captain Blackadder speaking.....no, I'm afraid the line's
- very cclllffffhhtttt!
- Darling: Hello? Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?
- (a German accent pops up; really Edmund. He rustles paper, pretending the re-
- ception's lousy.)
- Edmund: Schenll, schenll, Die Koppeltop, I said, there's a terrible line at my
- end. You are to advance on the enemy at once. (puts on a record)
- "A wandering minstral eye in the...(record goes off, Edmund speaks)
- ..on Gail Force Eight.
- George: I say, come on, sir, what's the message? I'm on tenderhooks, do tell!
- Edmund: Well, as far as I can tell, the message was, "he's got a terrible lion
- up his end, so there's an advantage to an enema at once."
- George: Damn!
- (enter Baldrick)
- Baldrick: Message from HQ, sir.
- George: Ah, now, this should be it. A telegram ordering an advance!
- Edmund: Ummm yes, I'm afraid not, George, it is a telegram, it is ordering
- an advance, but it seems to be addressed to 'Catpain Blackudder'. Do
- you know a 'Catpain Blackudder', George?
- George: Well, it rings a bell, but I..
- Edmund: Ouhh.....nope, me neither. (throws message away)
- George: Oh well.
- Edmund: Go away George, I'm sure if they want to contact us, they'll find a
- way.
- Baldrick: Speaking, sir, speaking, there's a pigeon in our trench!
- George: Ah, now, this'll be it! (goes outside) Yes, it's one of the King's
- carrier pigeons.
- (all go outside)
- Baldrick: No, it isn't, that pigeon couldn't carry the King! Hasn't got a
- tray or anything.
- Edmund: Hands, revolver please.
- George: Oh now, sir, you really shouldn't do this you know!
- Edmund: Come on George, with 50,000 men getting killed a week who's going to
- miss a pigeon? (shoots the pigeon dead)
- George: Well, not you, obviously, sir.
- Edmund: In any case, its's scarcely a court martial offence. Get plucking,
- Baldrick.
- Baldrick: Alright, sir. Look, it's got a little ring 'round it's leg, there's
- a novelity!
- George: Oh really, is there a paper hat as well?
- Baldrick: No, but there's a joke. Read it out, sir.
- George: It's a bit charred. Something something at once..PS, due to communi-
- cation crisis, the shooting of carrier pigeons is now a court-martial
- offence. I don't see what's so funny about that, sir.
- Edmund: That's not funny, it's deadly serious, we're in trouble. So, I shall
- eat the evidence for lunch and if anyone asks you any questions at all,
- we didn't receive any messages and we definitely did not shoot this
- plump breasted pigeon.
- (at BA's quarters...Edmund just had the pigeon for lunch.)
- Edmund: Umm..delicious.
- (enter Melchett and Darling)
- Melchett: Eahy, Blackadder!
- Darling: Attention!
- Melchett: And why, Captain, are you not advancing across No Man's Land?
- Edmund: Well, sir, call me a bluffo traditionalist, but I was always taught to
- wait for the order to attack before attacking.
- Melchett: Are you trying to tell me you haven't received any orders? What the
- hell are you playing at, Darling?
- Darling: That's a flagrant lie, sir. I spoke to Blackadder less than an hour
- ago.
- Edmund: Yes you did. To tell me some gobbledygook about having a lion up your
- bottom.
- Melchett: Umm...I thought it's the old communications problem again. Stand easy.
- Action on this is imperative, take that down, Darling.
- Darling: Yes.
- use it more often in conversation.
- Darling: I must say sir, I find this all very unlikely. Not only did I tele-
- phone Blackadder, but as you'll recall, we sent him a telegram and
- a carrier pigeon.
- Edmund: Did you?
- Darling: Are you telling us you haven't had a pigeon, Blackadder?
- Edmund: Ohaaahhh!
- Jim", my only true love who's been with me since I was a nipper!
- And to business, I'm giving you your order to advance now. Syncronise
- watches gentlemen. Private, what is the time?
- Baldrick: We didn't receive any messages and Captain Blackadder definitely did
- not shoot the delicious plump breasted pigeon, sir.
- Melchett: WHAT???????
- Edmund: You want to be cremated, Baldrick or buried at sea?
- Baldrick: (thinking it over) Umm....
- Darling: Lieutenant?
- George: Sir.
- Darling: Do you mind answering a couple of questions?
- George: Not at all, sir. We didn't get any messages and Blackadder definitely
- did not shoot this delicious plump breasted pigeon.
- Edmund: Good.
- Darling: And look sir, pigeon feathers. White feathers very apt, eh Blackadder?
- Melchett: White feathers?
- Baldrick: Oh no, sir, that's gobbleijuke! They're not white, they're sort of
- speckly!
- Melchett: (shocked) Speckly?! AAHHHHHHHH! YOU SHOT MY SPECKLED JIM???
- Darling: You're for it now, Blackadder. Quite frankly sir, I've suspected this
- for some time. Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder has been disobeying
- orders with a breathtaking impertinence.
- Melchett: I don't care if he's been watering the Duke of York with a prize-
- winning leak! He shot my pigeon! (screams) AAAHH AHHHH OOOHHHH!
- Darling: Take it easy. I think we should do this by the book, sir.
- Melchett: Yes, yes, you're right, of course. I'm sorry. Attention!
- Darling: (drums are heard in the background) Captain Blackadder, as of this
- moment you may consider yourself under arrest. You know what the
- penalty is for disobeying orders, Blackadder?
- Edmund: Umm..court-martial, followed by immediate cessation of chocolate
- rations?
- Darling: No, court-martial followed by immediate death by firing squad.
- Edmund: Oh, so I got it half right.
- (at the cell)
- Perkins: (Edmund's guard) Sadder than a happy hour then, sir? Wave all our
- last goodbyes.
- Edmund: Oh, no need for that, Perkins, I'll just dash off a couple of notes,
- one asking for a sponge bag, and the other sending for my lawyer.
- Perkins: Oh, your lawyer now, yes sir. Don't you think that might be a bit
- of a waste of money, sir.
- Edmund: Not when he's the finest mind in English legal history. Ever heard
- of Bob Mattingburg?
- Perkins: Oh, yes indeed, sir! A most gifted gentleman!
- Edmund: I remember Mattingburg's most famous case, the case of the bloody knife.
- A man was found next to a murdured body, he had the knife in his hand,
- thirteen witnesses that seen him stab the victim, when the police
- arrived he said, "I'm glad I killed the bastard." Mattingburg not
- only got him off, but he got him knighted in the New Year's Honors
- list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to have the blood
- washed out of his jacket.
- Perkins: There is a job under the prosecution involved, sir.
- Edmund: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
- Perkins: Oh, butch, Oscar.
- Edmund: A big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar. The terror of the ladies. 114
- illegitamate children, world heavyweight boxing champion, and author
- of the best-selling phamplet, "Why I Like To Do It With Girls".
- Mattingburg had him sent down for being a whoopsie. (enter Baldrick)
- Ah, Baldrick. Anything from Mattingburg yet?
- Baldrick: Yes, sir. It just arrived, sir.
- Edmund: What is it?
- Baldrick: Sponge bag, sir.
- Edmund: A sponge bag.
- Edmund: Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge
- bag to the finest mind in English legal history.
- Baldrick: Certianly did, sir!
- Edmund: And you sent the note requesting legal representation to...
- (enter George)
- George: Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a buzz-buzz-buzz! (THUMP!)
- Edmund: (digustingly, as we've all heard before) Oh God!
- George: I'll tell you, apart from all, sir, that I am deeply, deeply honored.
- Edmund: Baldrick, I'll deal you later. Am I to understand that you are going to
- represnt me at the court-martial?
- George: Absolutly, sir. Well, it's a sort of family tradition, really. My
- uncle's a lawyer, you know.
- Edmund: Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.
- George: Oh, good lord, no. I'm absolute duffer at this sort of thing. In
- school the basing society, I was voted the boy least likley to complete
- a coherent...um...an oops...yes, anyway, my dear old friend, its an
- honor to serve.
- Edmund: George, I'm in trouble here. I need to construct thats as watertight
- as a mermaid's brassiere. I'm not sure your particular brand of
- mindless optimism is going to contribute much to the proceedings.
- George: Well, that's a shame, sir, becarse I was planning on playing the
- mindless optimisim card very strongly.
- Edmund: I beg your pardon?
- George: Yes, I've already planned my closing address based on that very thing.
- Oh, go on, let him off, your honor, please! It's a lovely day. Pretty
- clouds, trees, birds, etc. I rest my case.
- Edmund: So, council, with that summing up in mind, what do you think my chances
- are?
- George: Well, not all that good I'm afraid, as far as I can tell you're as
- guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.
- Edmund: Ah.
- (in the court room; Edmund's trial is taking place)
- George: (walking in) Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my luv.
- A voice: 'allo.
- George: But anyway, let me open up my defence straight away, by saying that
- I've known this man for three years, he's an absolutely gawking chap.
- Edmund: George?
- George: Yes, sir?
- Edmund: That's the clerk of the court.
- George: Is it? Oh!
- Edmund: We haven't started yet.
- (enter Darling)
- Darling: Good luck, Blackadder.
- Edmund: Well, thank you, Darling. And what's your big job here today?
- Straightening chairs?
- Darling: No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution. I wouldn't raise your
- hopes too much, you're guilty as hell, you haven't got a chance.
- Edmund: Why thank you, Darling. And I hope your mother dies in a freak
- yachting accident.
- Darling: Just doing my job, Blackadder.
- Edmund: Obeying orders, and of course, having enormous fun into the bargain.
- I wouldn't be too confident if I were you, any reasonably impartial
- judge is bound to let me off.
- Darling: Well, absolutely.
- Edmund: Who is the judge, by the way?
- Melchett: (boldly) Me!
- Edmund: I'm dead.
- Melchett: Well, come on, then. Come on. Get this over in five minutes, and
- then we can have a spot of lunch. (some noise from the others) The
- court is now in session, General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmenay Melchett
- in the chair. The case before us is that of the crown vs. Captain
- Edmund Blackadder, the flanderous pigeon murderer! Oh, uh hand me
- the black cap, I'll be needing that.
- Edmund: I love a fair trial.
- Melchett: Anything to say before we kick off, Captain Darling?
- Darling: May it please the court, as this is clearly an open and shut case, I
- beg leave to bring a privete prosecution against the defence council
- for wasting the court's time.
- Melchett: Granted. Council, he is fined fifty pounds for turning up. This is
- fun! This is just like a real court! Alright! Let the trial begin!
- The chagre before us is that the flanderous pigeon murderer did de-
- liberately, callously, and with beastliness of forethought murder a
- lovely, innocent pigeon. And disobeyed some orders as well.
- Is this true?
- George: Perfectly true, sir. I was there.
- Edmund: Thanks George.
- George: Oh, dammit.
- Melchett: Right. Council for the defence, get on with it.
- George: Oh, right, yes, right. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness
- Captain Darling.
- Melchett: You wish to call the council for the prosecution as a defence
- witness?
- George: That's right. (aside) Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control.
- You are Captain Darling of the general staff?
- Darling: I am.
- George: Captain, leaving aside the incident in question, would you think of
- Captain Blackadder as the sort of man that would usually ignore orders?
- Darling: Yes, I would.
- George: Ah, um. You sure? I was rather banking on you saying no.
- Darling: I'm sure. In fact, I have a list of other orders he's disobeyed,
- if it would be useful. November 16th, 9:15am, 10:23am, 10:24am,
- 11:17am...
- George: You missed one out, there.
- Darling: ...10:30am, 11:46am...
- Edmund: George!
- George: What? Oh, oh ye-ye-right, yes. Thank you, Captain. No further
- questions.
- Edmund: Well done, George. You really had him on the ropes.
- George: Don't worry, old man. I have a last and I think you'll find decisive
- witness. Call Private Baldrick.
- Edmund: (to Baldrick) Deny everything, Baldrick.
- George: Are you Private Baldrick?
- Baldrick: NO!
- George: Um, but you are Captain Balckadder's batman?
- Baldrick: NO!
- George: Come on, Baldrick. Be a bit more helpful, it's me!
- Baldrick: No it isn't!
- Darling: Sir, I must protest!
- Melchett: Quite right! We don't need your kind here, Private. Get out.
- Sum up, please.
- George: Oh, right, yes, uhhhh, oh.....Uh, gentlemen, you have heard all the
- evidence presented here today, but in the end it is up to the
- conscience of your hearts to decide, and I firmly belive, that like
- me, you will conclude that Captain Blackadder is in fact, totally
- and utterly, GUILTY......of nothing more than trying to do his duty
- under difficult circumstances.
- Melchett: Nonsence! He's a hound and a rutter, and he's going to be shot!
- However, before we proceed to the formality of sentancing the
- deceased, I mean the defendant, (laughs) I think we'd all rather
- enjoy the case of the prosecution. Captain Darling, if you please.
- Darling: Sir, my case is very simple. I call my first witness, General Sir
- Anthony Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.
- Melchett: Ah..umm! (goes up to the stand)
- George: Clever, clever.
- Darling: General, did you own a lovely, plump, speckily pigeon called Speckled
- Jim, which you hand reared from a chick and which was your only
- childhood friend?
- Melchett: (hysterical) Yes! (calmer) Yes, I did.
- Darling: And did Captain Blackadder shoot the aforementioned pigeon?
- Melchett: Yes, he did!
- Darling: (shouts) Can you see Captain Blackadder anywhere in this courtroom?
- Melchett: (overwrought, pointing his finger at Edmund) YES, THAT'S HIM!!!
- THAT'S THE MAN!!!!! AAHHHHH AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
- Darling: No more questions, sir.
- Melchett: Very good, excellent, first class. Carry on. I therefore have ab-
- solutely no hesitation in announcing that the sentence of this
- court is: that you Captain Edmund Blackadder be taken from this
- place and shot to death by shooting tommorrow at dawn. (bangs
- gavel). Do you have anything to say?
- Edmund: Yes, can I have an alarm call, please?
- (at the cell)
- Perkins: Someone to see the Captain?
- Edmund: What does he look like?
- Perkins: Short, ugly...
- Edmund: Hello Baldrick.
- Baldrick: I brought you some food, sir, for your final breakfast tommorrow.
- Edmund: Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then.
- Baldrick: No sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.
- Edmund: The expression, Baldrick, is 'as a do-do'. 'Dead as a do-do'.
- Perkins: Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? (leaves)
- Baldrick: Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was jsut a dead herring.
- In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape
- kit.
- Edmund: Good Lord! A saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes,
- a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a
- chance.
- Baldrick: Ah....
- Edmund: Let's see, what have we here? A small painted wooden duck.
- Baldrick: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance
- it on the top of your head as a brillaint disguise.
- Edmund: Yeeeesss, I would, of course, have to escape first. Ah, but what's
- this, unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel?
- Baldrick: You *are* much mistaken!
- Edmund: A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
- Baldrick: Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcard to tell me how the break
- out went and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during
- your escape, you have to win favour with a difficult child.
- Edmund: Baldrick, I don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging
- through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. Now let me ask
- you some simple questions: is there are a saw in this bag?
- Baldrick: No.
- Edmund: A hammer?
- Baldrick: No.
- Edmund: A chisel?
- Baldrick: No.
- Edmund: A gun?
- Baldrick: No.
- Edmund: A false passport?
- Baldrick: (thinks) No.
- Edmund: A change of clothes?
- Baldrick: Yes sir, of course I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.
- Edmund: Ah, now that's something, let's see.....a Robin Hood costume.
- Baldrick: I put in a French peasant's outfit first, but then I thought
- 'What if you arrive in a French peasant's village and they're
- in the middle of a fancy dress party?'
- Edmund: And what if I arrive in a French peasant village, dressed in a
- Robin Hood costume and there *isn't* a fancy dress party?
- Baldrick: Well, to be quite frank sir, I didn't consider that eventuality,
- because if you did, you'd stick out like a.....
- Edmund: (interrupting) Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted
- wooden duck on his head?
- Baldrick: Exactly!
- (re-enter Perkins)
- Perkins: Excuse me, sir.
- Edmund: Alright. Aaahhmm, thank you, Baldrick, we'll finish this picnic
- later.
- Baldrick: (rather loudly) YUM YUM! (exits)
- Perkins: Do you mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?
- Edmund: No, no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week. Let's see,
- Thursday morning, get shot, yes, that's about it, actually.
- Perkins: It's just there's a few chaps out here would like a bit of a chinwag.
- Edmund: Oh, loveley. Always keen to meet new poeple.
- Perkins: Corpral Jones and Privates Spacer, Robinson, and Tipperwick
- All: Hello
- Edmund: Oh, nice of you to drop by. And what do you do?
- Leader: We're your firing squad, sir.
- Edmund: Of course you are.
- Squad man 2: Good sized chest.
- Leader: Shut up, lad.
- Squad man 2: Sir!
- Leader: You see, us firing squads are a bit like taxmen, sir, everyone hates
- us, but we're just doin' our job, 'aven't we, sir?
- Edmund: My heart bleeds for you.
- Leader: Well, sir, we aim to please. Just a little firing squad joke there,
- sir! You see, sir, we take pride in the termanatory service we
- supply. So, is there any particular area you'd like us to go for, hmm?
- We can aim anywhere.
- Edmund: Well, in that case, just above my head might be a good spot.
- Leader: You see, a laugh and a smile, and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem
- quite so bad after all, does it sir?
- Squad man 2: No, and a lovely roomy forehead.
- Squad man 3: A good pulse and jugular, there as well.
- Edmund: Look, I'm sorry, I know you mean to be friendly, but I hope you won't
- take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.
- Leader: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, 'course not, sir. No one
- likes being shot first thing in the morning, do they? No, no, no,
- So, look foreward to seeing you tomorow, sir. You'll have a blindfold
- on of course, but you'll recognize me. I'm the one that says, "Ready,
- aim, fire!"
- Edmund: Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word "aim" and the word
- "fire"? Thirty or forty years, perhaps?
- Leader: Ahh, wish I could pause, sir. I really wish I could, but I can't, you
- see, cos I'm a tabler, you see.
- (lots of inaudible lines, sorry)
- (Firing Squad leaves)
- Edmund: Perfect! I wonder if anything on earth could depress me more?
- (enter Baldrick)
- Baldrick: Excuse me, sir?
- Edmund: Of course it could.
- Baldrick: I forgot to give you this letter from Lieutenant George, sir.
- Edmund: (sarcastically) Ahh! Oh, joy! What wise words from the world's
- greatest defence counsel. (reads letter) 'Dear Mother,'......un-
- usual start, (continues) 'thanks for the case of Scotch.' You've
- excelled yourself, Baldrick. You've brought the worng letter again!
- Baldrick: Ohh yeah, he did write two.
- Edmund: Yes, his mother's about to get a note, telling her he's sorry she's
- going to be shot in the morning.....while *I* have to read this
- drivel. (reads further) 'Count Celia thrives in the Pony Club trials
- and that little Freddy scores a century for the first eleven'. (aside)
- You can't deny, it's a riveting read...uhhh, 'Send my love to Uncle
- Rupert', (aside) who'd have thought it, Mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of
- War. Power of life or death over every bally soldier in the army.
- Hang on a minute.....this is it! All George has to do is send him a
- telegram and he'll get me off. (in a pleasant tone) Baldrick, I love
- you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble your shell-like ears.
- I'm freeeee!
- (at BA's quarters, George is moping)
- George: I'm useless, useless!
- Baldrick: Sir, sir!
- George: Hello Private, how's the Captain?
- Baldrick: He's absolutely fine, sir, but..
- George: uhh, you're just trying to cheer me up. I know the truth. He hates
- me cos I completely arsed up his defence.
- Baldrick: Yes, I know, sir, but..
- George: I'm thick, you see. I'm as thick as the big-print version of The Com-
- plete Works of Charles Dickens. If only I could've saved him. If only!
- Baldrick: But you *can*, sir.
- George: What, how?
- Baldrick: You send a telegram.
- George: Of course! I send a telegram.
- Baldrick: Yeah!
- George: Who to?
- Baldrick: To the person in the letter.
- George: What letter?
- Baldrick: To your mother.
- George: I send a telegram to my mother?!
- Baldrick: No!
- George: No!
- Baldrick: You send a telegram to the person in the letter to your mother.
- George: Who was in the letter to my mother?
- Baldrick: I can't remember!
- George: Well, think, think!
- Baldrick: No, you think think!
- George: Well, I ahh...Stay here, of course, the Pony Club Trials. Yes! See
- here, they can leap over the walls over the prison and save him.
- Baldrick: No, no!
- George: No, no, ahhhmm. Yes, cricket. Yes, I've got Cousin Freddie, of
- course. He can knock out the firing squad with his cricket bat.
- Baldrick: No, there's someone else!
- George: (excited) Oh well, who!?
- Baldrick: I don't know.
- George: Well, neither do I!
- Baldrick: Well, think!
- George: You think!
- Baldrick: You think that!
- (both continue arguement, then....)
- George: No, it hasn't helped.
- Baldrick: Yes it has, sir. Your Uncle Rupert who's just been made Minister
- of War.
- George: Of course. Uncle Rupert shall be made Minister of War. Baldrick,
- I'll, I'll send him a telegram and he'll, he'll pull strings and
- scratch backs and fiddle with nobs, and....
- Baldrick: HURRAY!
- George: Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?
- Baldrick: Oh, just about, sir.
- George: Ah, I think this calls for a celebration, don't you? What about a
- toss of old Morehen's Shredded Sporum, which Mum has just sent over?
- I drink a toast, don't you, to Captain Blackadder and freedom!
- Baldrick: Captain Blackadder and Freedom, sir.
- (outside, where Edmund is to be executed; Dawn, a cock crows)
- Edmund: 'Morning.
- Firing Squad (all): 'Morning.
- Perkins: I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls.
- Edmund: Prehaps later. (to Firing Squad) How are you doing?
- All: Very well, good.
- Edmund: Robinson, good to see you.
- Robinson: Good to see you, too, sir.
- Edmund: Ahh, Corporal, how's the voice?
- Corporal (referred to as Leader in an earlier scene): Excellent, sir.
- Edmund: So the phone's on the hook, is it Perkins?
- Perkins: Oh yes, sir.
- Edmund: So, where do you want me?
- Corporal: Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.
- Edmund: Course it is. Ah...this side or the other side? (all laugh)
- No messengers waiting, Perkins?
- Perkins: Oh, I'm afraid not, sir. Oh well.
- Corporal: Alright, lads, line up.
- Edmund: Yes, uahh...now look, I think there might have been a bit of a mis-
- understanding, you see. I was expecting a telegram.
- Corporal: ATTENTION!
- Edmund: Quite an imporant one, actually.
- Corporal: TAKE AIM!
- A voice: Stop!
- Edmund: I think that's what they call 'the nick of time'.
- Voice: Letter for the Captain.
- Edmund: Of course it is. Read it please.
- Voice: Eh, 'here's looking at you. Love from all the boys in the firing squad.'
- Corporal: You soft bastards, you!
- Squad Man 2: After all we've got, I couldn't resist it.
- Edmund: (sarcastically) How thoughtful!
- Corporal: ATTENTION!
- Edmund: Now look, ah, something has gone spectacularly badly wrong.
- Corporal: TAKE AIM!
- Edmund: Baldrick, you're mincemeat!
- (at BA's quarters)
- George: (awaking) Oh, my head! Ah, my head! Feels like the time I was initiated
- into teh Silly Buggers society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and
- push a whole oberjing into my earhole.
- Baldrick: Permission to die, sir.
- George: Oh! Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking? Oh, yes, well,we were cele-
- brating getting Captain Blackadder off scot...(realises it's too late)
- free. Oh my sainted trousers, we forgot!
- Baldrick: Oh whoops.
- George: Oh no. He's dead, you see. He's dead dead dead because we're a pair of
- selfish so and so's....(despairingly) oh, course, if I have a rope, I'd
- put it around my neck and bally well hanged myself until it really hurt.
- (Edmund walks in)
- Edmund: Hi, George, 'morning, Baldrick. Still the striking resemblence to guppie
- fish at feeding time. Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.
- George: Oh, excellent!
- Edmund: Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, haven't we?
- George: Oh, well, well, of course, sir, yes. We wanted to lay on a bit of a
- bash for your safe return, ah..here you go. (gives Edmund a drink,
- laughs)
- Edmund: There was a second telegram that arrived actually George, addressed
- personally to you by your Uncle.
- George: Oh, thank you, I....(tries to get letter from Edmund, who opens and
- reads it)
- Edmund: (reads) 'George, my boy, Outraged to read in dispatches how that ass
- Melchett made such a pig-ear out of your chum Blackadder's court-mar-
- tial. Have reversed the decision forthwith. Surprised you didn't ask
- me to do it yourself, actually.' Now this is interesting, isn't it?
- George: Uh, uhh, yes, well, I, you see, sir. Uh..the thing is..
- Edmund: You two got whammed last night, didn't you?
- George: We--well, well, no, uh, uh. not whammed exactly. A little tiddly,
- perhaps.
- Edmund: And you forgot the telegram to your Uncle!
- George: Well, n--n--n-no. Not, not, not completely. Partially, umm....Well
- yes, yes. Entirely.
- Baldrick: I think I can explain, sir.
- Edmund: Can you, Baldrick?
- Baldrick: (pause) No.
- Edmund: As I suspected. Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know. Henceforth,
- I shall nightly pray to the God, who killed Cain and squashed Sampson,
- that He comes out of retirement and gets back into practice on the
- pair of you!
- (phone rings; Edmund answers it)
- Edmund: Captain Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling. Well, you know, some of us
- just have friends in high places, I suppose. Yes, I can hear you per-
- fectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No
- Man's Land, Code name: Operation Certain Death. yes, yes I think I
- have just the fellows. (hangs up; to George and Baldrick) God is
- *very* quick these days.
- ---
- Episode 3 - Major Star
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- (in the army barracks, sound of whistling is heard)
- (Edmund sighs)
- George: You're a bit cheezed off, sir?
- Edmund: George, the day this war began I was cheezed off. Within ten minutes
- of you turning up, I finished the cheeze and moved on to the coffee
- and cigars. And at this late stage, I'm in a cab with two lady com-
- panions on my way to the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regency.
- George: Oh well, because if you are cheezed off, you know what would cheer
- you up, alot of Charlie Chaplin films. Oh, I love Old Chappers, don't
- you, Cap?
- Edmund: Unfortuately no I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an
- arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
- George: Ah, beg pardon, sir, but come off! His films are ball-bouncingly funny.
- Edmund: Rubbish!
- George: Alright, why let's consult the men for a casting vote, shall we? Bal-
- drick?
- Baldrick: (entering) Sir!
- George: Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick. What do you make of him?
- Baldrick: Oh sir, he's as funny as a vegetable that's grown into a rude and
- amusing shape, sir.
- Edmund: So you agree with me. Not at all funny?
- George: Oh come on, skipper, it ain't fair. I haven't asked for all of this.
- When he kicked that fellow in the backside, I thought I'd die!
- Edmund: Well, if that's your idea of comedy, we can provide our own without
- (??) for the priviledge. (kicks Baldrick) There, you find that funny?
- George: Well, no of course not, sir, but you see, Chaplin is a genius.
- Edmund: He certainly is a genuis, George. He invented a way of getting a
- million dollars a year by wearing stupid trousers. Did you find that
- funny, Baldrick?
- Baldrick: What funny, sir?
- Edmund: (kicks Baldrick again) That funny.
- Baldrick: No sir, you mustn't do that to me sir, because that is a bourgois
- act of repression, sir.
- Edmund: What?
- Baldrick: I think I smelt it sir, there's something afoot in the wind. The
- huddled masses yearning to be free.
- Edmund: Baldrick, have you been through the diesel oil again?
- Baldrick: No sir, I've been sopping the milk of freedom. Already our Russian
- comrades are poised on the brink of Revolution. And here too, sir,
- the huddled what's-names such as myself, sir, are ready to throw
- off the hated oppressors like you and the Lieutenant. Present com
- pany accepted, sir.
- Edmund: Go and clean out the latrines.
- Baldrick: Yes sir, right away, sir.
- George: Now the reason why Chaplin is so funny, because he's part of a great
- British music hall tradition.
- Edmund: Oh yes, the Great British Music Hall Tradition. Two men, with incred-
- ibly unconvincing Cockney accents going, "what's up with you then?
- What's up with me then? Yeah, what's up with you then? (????????)"
- GET ON WITH IT!!!
- George: Now sir, that was funny! You should have gotten a part yourself!
- Edmund: Thank you, George, but if you don't mind, I'd rather have my tongue
- beaten wafer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the floor
- with a croquet hoop.
- (loud voices are heard outside)
- Baldrick: (rushing in) Sir, sir, it's all over the trenches!
- Edmund: Well, mop it up then.
- Baldrick: No sir, the news. The Russian Revolution has started. The masses
- have risen up and shoveled their nobs!
- George: Well, hurrah!
- Edmund: (reading a newspaper) Oh no, the Russians have pulled out of the war.
- George: Well, we soon sawed them off, didn't we sir? Miserable slant-eye,
- sausage eating swine.
- Edmund: The Russians are on *our* side, George.
- George: Oh really?
- Edmund: And they've abandoned the Eastern Front.
- Baldrick: And they've overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizzare.
- Edmund: Who used to be *the czar*, Baldrick. The point is, now that the
- Russians have made peace with the Kaiser. At this very moment,
- three quarters of a million Germans are leaving the Russian Front
- and coming over *here* with the express purpose of using my nipples
- for target practise. There's only one thing for it, I'll have to
- desert and I'm going to have to do it....right now.
- (enter General Melchett)
- Melchett: Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
- Edmund: No sir.
- Melchett: Well I'm relieved to hear it. I need you to help me shoot more
- deserters later on. There have been some subversive mutterings
- amongst the men. You'll recall the French army last year at
- Verdun where the top eschelons suffered from horrendeous uprisings
- from the bottom.
- Edmund: Yes sir, but surely that was traced to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
- Melchett: Nonsense Blackadder! It was bolshevist. Plain bolshevist! And now
- that the Ruskys have followed suit, I'm damned if I can let the
- same thing happen here.
- Edmund: Oh, and what are you going to do about it, sir?
- Melchett: I'm going to have a concert party to boost the men's morale.
- George: A concert party, well, hurrah!
- Melchett: You fancy an evening at a concert party, Blackadder?
- Edmund: Well frankly sir, I'd rather spend an evening on top of a stepladder
- in No Man's Land smoking cigarettes through an illuminous balacava (?).
- Melchett: Well, I didn't think it would be your cup of tea, but I do need
- someone to help me organise it, you know. Obviously not a tough
- grizzled old soldier like yourself, but some kind of dandified
- nancy-boy who will be prepared to spend the rest of the war in
- the London Palladium.
- Edmund: The show's going to the London Palladium, sir?
- Melchett: Oh yes of course. No good crushing the Revolution over here only
- to get back home to Blighty and find that everyone's wearing over-
- alls and breaking wind in the palaces of the mighty.
- Edmund: Good point, sir.
- Melchett: So the thing is, Blackadder, finding a man to organise a concert
- party is going t6o be damn difficult. So, I've come up with rather
- a cunning set of questions with which to test the candidate's
- suitability for the job.
- Edmund: And what sort of questions would these be, sir?
- Melchett: Well, the first question is, 'do you like Charlie Chaplin?'
- Edmund: (looks at George) Dismissed, Lieutenant. (George salutes and leaves)
- 'Do you like Charlie Chaplin?', yes that is a good question for a
- candidate, ah, to which my answer would of course be, 'yes, I love
- him, love him, sir, particularly the amusing kicks.
- George: That's what I said because I thought you said....
- Edmund: (abruptly) Goodbye George.
- Melchett: And the second question is, 'do you like music hall?'
- Edmund: Ah, yes, another good question, sir. Again, my answer would have to
- be 'yes, absolutely love it.' (mimiking) "Oops, Mr. Rothschild, (??)"
- Melchett: Umm, yes. Well, it's in my view, Blackadder, that a person who
- would answer 'yes' to both questions would be ideal for the jo-
- (realises Edmund's early affirmative responses). Wait a minute.
- Edmund: What sir?
- Melchett: (laughs) Why, without knowing it, Blackadder, you've inadvertently
- shown me that you can do the job.
- Edmund: Have I sir?
- Melchett: Yes sir! You have, sir. And I want you to start work straight away.
- A couple of shows over the weekend and if all goes well, we'll start
- you off in London next Monday.
- Edmund: Oh...damn.
- Melchett: If you need any help fixing and carrying and backstage and so on,
- I'll lend you my driver if you like. (calls out) Bob?!
- (a woman enters....the driver Bob)
- Bob: (militaristically) Driver Parker reporting for duty, sir!
- Melchett: Alright, at ease, Bob, stand easy. Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
- Edmund: Bob?
- Bob: Good morning, sir.
- Edmund: Unusual name for a girl?
- Melchett: Oh yes, it would be an unusual name for a girl, but it's a perfectly
- straightforward name for a young chap like you, eh Bob? Now Bob, I
- want you to bunk up with Captain Blackadder for a couple of days, al-
- right?
- Bob: Yes sir.
- Melchett: I think you'll find Bob just the man for this job, Blackadder. He has
- a splendid sense of humour.
- Edmund: He sir? He? He?
- Melchett: You see, you're laughing already! Well then, Bob, I'll leave you two
- together, why don't you get to know each other, play a game of crim-
- mage, have a smoke, something like that. They tell me that Captain
- Blackadder has rather a good line in rough shag. Um, I'm sure he'd
- be happy to fill your pipe. Carry on. (exits)
- Edmund: So you're a 'chap', are you Bob?
- Bob: Oh yes, sir. (laughs)
- Edmund: You wouldn't say you were a girl at all?
- Bob: Oh, definitely not, sir. I understand cricket, I fart in bed, everything.
- Edmund: Let me put it another way, Bob, you are a girl. And you're a girl with
- as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get
- into a 'Polar Bears Only' golf club.
- Bob: Oh sir, please don't give me away, sir. I just wanted to be like my bro-
- thers and join up. I want to see how a real war is fought....so badly.
- Edmund: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought
- *this* badly since Olaf the Hairy, Chief of all the Vikings, accidently
- ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the *inside*.
- Bob: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
- Edmund: Oh really?
- Bob: I'll do anything, sir!
- Edmund: Yes, now keep that to yourself, if I was you.
- (Edmund and Bob go over repetoire for concert hall show)
- Edmund: Alright Bob, the second half start with Corporal Smith and Johnson as
- the Three Silly Twerps.
- Bob: Alright, sir.
- Edmund: The big joke being that there's only two of them.
- Baldrick: (laughing) I know that, it always cracks me up, sir.
- Edmund: Followed by Baldrick's impersonation of Charlie Chaplin. Bob, take a
- telegram.
- Bob: Yes sir.
- Edmund: Mr. C. Chaplin, Sennett Studios, Hollywood, California. (???) stop.
- Have discovered only person in the world less funny than you stop.
- Name Baldrick stop. yours, E. Blackadder stop.' Oh, and put a PS.
- 'Please please please stop.' Now after that, we have, ladies and
- gentlemen, the highlight of our show.
- Baldrick: Ta-da...
- (enter George in drag)
- George: I feel fantastic!
- Edmund: Gorgeous Georgina, the traditional soldier's drag act.
- Baldrick: You look absolutely lovely, sir.
- Edmund: Well Baldrick, you are lined (?), blind, or mad. The Lieutenant looks
- as all soldiers look on these occasions, about as feminine as W. G.
- Grace. What are you going to give them, George?
- George: Well, I thought one or two cheeky gags, one followed by 'She was only
- the ironmonger's daughter but she knew a surprising amount about fish
- as well'.
- Edmund: (sarcatic) Inspired. Well, at least you made an effort with the dress,
- what is your costume, Baldrick?
- Baldrick: I'm in it, sir.
- Edmund: I see. So your Charlie Chaplin costume consists of only that hat.
- Baldrick: Except that in this box, I've a dead slug as a brillaint false
- moustache.
- Edmund: Yes, it's only quite brilliant, I fear. How, for instance, are you
- to attach it to your face?
- Baldrick: Well, I was hoping to persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
- Edmund: Baldrick, the slug is dead. If it failed to cling on to life, I see
- no reason that it should cling on to your upper lip.
- George: Baldrick, Baldrick come on. Slugs are always a problem. What you do
- is screw your face up like this you see and you can clamp it between
- your top lip and your nose.
- Baldrick: (leaning backward) What? Like this, sir?
- George: See, that's it, that's good. Sir, sir, there's a visitor to see you.
- Edmund: (faking, but convincing) Good Lord, Mr. Chaplin! This is indeed an
- honour. Why, this calls for some sort of celebration. Baldrick, Bal-
- drick!
- George: Sir, that is extraordinary, because, because this isn't Chaplin at all.
- This *is* Baldrick.
- Baldrick: It is, it's *me*, sir!
- Edmund: I know, I know. I was, in fact being sarcastic.
- George: Oh, I see. Umm.
- Edmund: Everything goes above your head, doesn't it, George? You should go to
- Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.
- (at the concert....backstage, George is seen giving encores)
- Bob: They love him, sir. We're a hit!
- Edmund: Yes, in one short evening, I've become the most successful impresario
- since the manager of the Roman Coliseum thought of putting the Christ-
- ians and the lions on the same bill.
- Baldrick: Sir, some people seem to think I was best! Do you agree?
- Edmund: Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests, there are tribes of Indians
- yet untouched by civilisation who could develop more convincing Char-
- lie Chaplin impressionists.
- Baldrick: Thank you very much, sir.
- Bob: (refering to George aka Georgina): He's coming out.
- George: What do you think, Bob, one more? God, I love attention! (goes off
- stage to join Edmund and company) It's in my blood and soul. Bal-
- drick, put this in some water, will you?
- (Baldrick dunks the flowers into the vase upside-down)
- George: I need that applause in the same way that a osler needs his osle.
- Bob: Well done, sir!
- George: (being modest) No, sir, I really, I was hopeless. I mean, tell me
- honestly, sir, I was, wasn't I?
- Edmund: Well...
- George: No, no, no, come on, sir. Out with it, cos I really need to know,
- I was hopeless.
- Edmund: No....
- George: You're trying to be nice and that's very sweet of you, but sir, please,
- I can take it. I was hoepless.
- Edmund: George, you were bloody *awful*!
- (George sobs.)
- Edmund: But you can't argue with the box office. Personally, I thought you were
- the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through
- Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick. But I'm clearly in the minority.
- Look out London, here we come!
- (at Melchett's headquarters, 'HQ'. Capt. Darling sits at his desk)
- Edmund: Ah, Captain Darling.
- Darling: Ah, Captain Blackadder.
- Edmund: I must say, I had an absolutely splendid evening. Oh, glad you
- enjoyed the show.
- Darling: The show? I couldn't go to the show. Important regimental business.
- Edmund: A lorry load of paper clips arrived?
- Darling: Two lorry loads, actually.
- Melchett: (enters) Ah, welcome to the great director, Miestrum.
- Edmund: You enjoyed it, sir?
- Melchett: Well, it was mostly awful, but I enjoyed the slug balance.
- Edmund: Private Baldrick, sir.
- Melchett: That's right, yes. The slug fell off a couple of times, but it
- was....you can't have everything, can't you? I just suggest a
- bit more practise and prehaps a sparkly costume for the slug.
- Edmund: I'll pass that on, sir.
- Melchett: But I do have certain others reasons for believing the show to be
- nothing but a triumph. Captain Darling has your travel arrangements,
- ticket to Dover, rooms at the Ritz and so forth.
- Edmund: Oh, thank you sir.
- Melchett: However, there is one small thing you can do for me.
- Edmund: Yes?
- Melchett: Captain Blackadder, I should esteem it a single honour if you would
- allow me to escort your leading lady to the regimental ball this
- evening.
- Edmund: My leading lady?
- Melchett: The fair Georgina.
- Edmund: Ah, ha-ha, very amusing.
- Melchett: You think she'll laugh in my face? I'm too old, too crusty?
- Edmund: Uh, no, no. It's just as her director, I'm afraid I could not allow
- it.
- Melchett: I can always find another director who *would* allow it!
- Edmund: Quite. I'll see what I can do, but I must insist that she be home by
- midnight and that there'll be no hanky-panky, sir, whatsoever.
- Melchett: I shall, of course, respect your wishes, Blackadder. However I don't
- think you need to be quite so protective. I'm sure she's a girl with
- a great deal of spunk than most women you can find.
- Edmund: Oh, dear me.
- (at the barracks)
- George: Absolutely not, sir. It's profoundly immoral, and utterly wrong. I
- will not do it.
- Edmund: We can always find another leading lady.
- George: Well, the dress will need a clean.
- Edmund: Excellent. Now the important thing is, that Melchett should, under no
- circumstances, realise that you are a man.
- George: Yes, yes, I understand that.
- Edmund: In order to insure this, there are three basic rules. One, you must
- never, I repeat, never remove your wig.
- George: Right.
- Edmund: Second, never say anything. Tell him at the beginning of the evening
- that you're saving your voice for the opening night in London.
- George: Excellent, sir. And what's the third?
- Edmund: The third is most important, don't get drunk and let him shag you on
- the veranda.
- (in Melchett's private quarters. The general puts on an impressive bemedaled
- red jacket. Darling is with him.)
- Melchett: (after a few sounds of self-satisfaction) How do I look, Darling?
- Darling: Girl-bait, sir. Pure bloody girl-bait.
- Melchett: Moustache? Bushy enough?
- Darling: Like a private hedge, sir.
- Melchett: Good, because I want to catch a particularly beautiful creature in
- this bush tonight.
- Darling: You'll have her coming out of your moustache for a week, sir.
- Melchett: God, it's a spankingly beautiful world and tonight's my night. I
- know what I'll say to her. 'Darling...'
- Darling: (mistaken that the general's addressing him) Yes sir?
- Melchett: What?
- Darling: Um, I don't know, sir.
- Melchett: Well don't butt in! (exhales) 'I want to make you happy, darling'.
- Darling: Well, that's very kind of you sir.
- Melchett: Will you kindly stop interrupting? If you don't listen, how can you
- tell me what you think? (continues) 'I want to make you happy, dar-
- ling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. I want to cover
- every inch of your gorgeous body in pether and sneeze all over you.'
- Darling: I really think I must protest!
- Melchett: What is the matter with you, Darling?
- Darling: Well, it's all so sudden, I mean the nest bit's fine, but the pether
- business is definitely out!
- Melchett: How dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina?
- Darling: Georgina?
- Melchett: Yes, I'm working on what to say to her this evening.
- Darling: Oh yes. Of course. Thank God.
- Melchett: Alright?
- Darling: Yes, I'm listening, sir.
- Melchett: Honestly Darling, you really are the most graceless, dim-witted
- pumpkin I ever met.
- Darling: I don't think you should say that to her.
- (Melchett groans)
- (at the barracks)
- Edmund: Where's that George? It's three o'clock in the morning, he should be
- careful wandering the trench at night with nothing to protect his
- honour but a cricket box.
- George (entering): Hello Captain.
- Edmund: About time, where the hell have you been?
- George: Well I don't know, it's all been like a dream, my very first ball.
- The music, the dancing, the champagne, my mind is a mad world. Half
- whispered conversation with the promise of indisretion ever hanging
- in the air.
- Edmund: No, that old stoke Melchett tried for a snog behind the fruit cup.
- George: Certainly not! The general behaved like a perfect gentleman. We tired
- the moon with our talking about everything and nothing. The war, mar-
- riage, proposed changes of the LBW rule.
- Edmund: Melchett isn't married, is he?
- George: No, no, all his life, he's been waiting to meet the perfect woman. And
- tonight, he did.
- Edmund: Some poor unfortunate had Old Walrus-face dribbling in her ear all
- evening, did she?
- George: Well yes. As a matter of fact, I did have to drape a napkin over my
- shoulder, yes.
- Edmund: George, are you trying to tell me that you're the General's perfect
- woman?
- George: Well, yes, I rather think I am.
- Edmund: Well thank God the horny old blighthead didn't ask you to marry him.
- (George stares out to Edmund, affirming this fact in silence)
- Edmund: He did?! Well how did you get out of that one?
- George: Well, to be honest, sir, I'm not absolutely certain that I did.
- Edmund: WHAT?!
- George: You don't understand what it was like, sir. You know, the candles,
- the music, the huge moustache, I can't remember it. (?)
- Edmund: You said 'yes'?
- George: Oh, well he is a general, I didn't really feel I could refuse. He
- might have me court-martialed.
- Edmund: Whereas on the other hand, of course, he's going to give you the
- Victoria Cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night
- and finds himself looking at the blast turkey at the shop.
- George: Yes, I, I, I know it's mess, ah but, you see, he got me scriffy and
- then when he looked into my eyes and said 'Chipmunk, I love you.'
- Edmund: CHIPMUNK???
- George: It's a special name for me, you see, he says my nose looks just like
- a chipmunk's.
- Edmund: Oh God! We're in serious serious trouble here. If the General ever
- finds out that Gorgeous Georgina is, in fact, a strapping six footer
- from the rough end of the trench, which will precipitate the fastest
- execution since someone said, 'this Guy Fawlkes bloke, do we let him
- off, or wot?'
- (phone rings, Edmund answers it)
- Edmund: Hello? Yes sir. Straight away sir. (hangs up) That was your finacee,
- 'Chipmunk'. He wants to see me. If I should die, think only this of
- me, 'I'll be back to get ya!'.
- (at HQ again)
- Edmund: Sir, I can explain everything.
- Melchett: Can you, Blackadder? Can you?
- Edmund: Well.....no sir, not really.
- Melchett: I thought not, I thought not. Who can explain the mysteries of love?
- I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder. I'm going to marry her on Sa-
- turday and I want you to be my best man.
- Edmund: I don't think that would be a very good idea, sir.
- Melchett: And why not?
- Edmund: Because there's something wrong with your finacee, sir.
- Melchett: Oh my God, she's not Welsh, is she?
- Edmund: No sir. Um, it's a terrible story, but true. Just a few minutes ago
- Georgina arrived unexpectedly in my trench. She was literally dancing
- with joy as if something wonderful had happened to her.
- Melchett: Makes sense.
- Edmund: Unfortunately, she was in such a daze, danced straight throught the
- trench and out into No Man's Land. I tried to stop her, but before
- I could say, 'Don't tread on a mine', she trod on a mine.
- (Melchett starts to sob)
- Edmund: When I say 'a mine', it was a cluster of mines, and she was blown to
- smitereens, rocketed up into the air, said something I couldn't quite
- catch, totally incomprehensible to me, something like, 'Tell him, his
- little chipmunk will love him forever'.
- (Melchett howls in sadness)
- Darling: It's heartnreaking, sir.
- Edmund: I'm sorry sir.
- Melchett: (recovering) Oh well, can't be helped, can't be helped.
- Darling: Jolly bad luck, sir. Of course, on top of everything else, without
- your leading lady, you won't be able to put on your show. So no
- show, no London Palladium.
- Edmund: On the contrary, I'm simply intending to rename it, the Georgina
- Melchett Memorial Show.
- Melchett: Oh no, Georgina was the only thing that made the show come alive.
- Apart from her, it was all awful!
- Darling: Awful!
- Melchett: You'll never find a girl like Georgina by tommorrow.
- Edmund: Well, it's funny you should say that sir, because I think I already
- have.
- Melchett: Who is she?
- Darling: Who is she?
- (back at the barracks)
- George: (as his 'normal' male self) So, come on, sir, who is she?
- Edmund: Well, that's the problem. I haven't a bloody clue! The only exacting
- woman around here is carved out of stone called 'Venus' and is stan-
- ding in a fountain in the town square with water coming out of her
- armpits.
- George: So we're a bit stuck.
- Bob: (passing through) Morning chaps.
- Edmund and George: Morning Bob.
- Edmund: You can say that again, George. We're in a stickier situation since
- Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun. We are in trouble.
- (enter Baldrick in drag)
- Baldrick: No anymore sir. May I present my cunning plan.
- Edmund: Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick. Can you sing, can you dance? Or are
- you offering to be sawn in half?
- Baldrick: I don't think those things are important in a modern marriage, sir.
- I offer simple home cooking.
- Edmund: Our plan is to find a new leading lady for our show. What is your plan?
- Baldrick: My plan is that I will marry General Melchett. I am the other woman.
- George: Well, congradulations Baldrick. I hope you will be very happy.
- Baldrick: I will, sir, cos when I get back from honeymoon, I will be a member
- of the aristocracy and you will have to call me 'M'lady'.
- Edmund: What happened to your Revolutionary principles, Baldrick? I thought
- you hated the aristocracy.
- Baldrick: I'm working to bring down the system from within, sir. I'm a sort
- of a Frozen Horse.
- Edmund: *Trojan House*, Baldrick.
- Baldrick: Anmyway, I can't see what's so stupid about marry into wealth for
- money and not having to sleep in a puddle.
- Edmund: Baldrick, NO! It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh I'm
- sick of kicking around the house tonight. Let's take in a show.' And
- for a start, General Melchett is in mourning for the woman of his
- dreams. He's unlikely to be in the mood to marry a two legged badger
- wrapped in a curtain.. Anyway we are looking for a great entertainer
- and you're the worst entertainer since St. Paul the Evangelist toured
- Palestine with his trampoline act. Nah, we have to find somebody else.
- George: What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
- Edmund: Corporal Cartwright looks like an orangatang. I've heard of the Bearded
- Lady, but the All Over Body Hair Lady simply just isn't on.
- George: Willis?
- Edmund: Too short.
- George: Petheridge?
- Edmund: Too old.
- George: Taplowe?
- Edmund: Too dead. Ah, this is hopeless. There just isn't anyone!
- (Bob is heard singing)
- Bob: 'Goodbyeee, goodbyeee, wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eyeee'.
- Edmund: What am I doing? (calls out) Bob!
- Bob: (naked but for a towel): Sir?
- George: What a brilliant idea! Bob, can you think of anyone who can be our
- leading lady?
- (at another concert performance)
- George: What do you think, Bob, one more?
- Bob: No George, always leave them hungry.
- Edmund: Congradulations, Bob. I must admit, I thought you were bloody mar-
- vellous.
- Bob: Thank you sir. Permission to slip into something more uncomfortable, sir.
- Edmund: Permission granted.
- Baldrick: Oh sir, it's going to be wonderful. Not just for me, but for my little
- partner, Graham. Doing our tour halfway 'round the world.
- Edmund: Yes, from Shaftsbury Avenue to the Co^te du Jour, they'll be saying,
- 'I like the little black one, but who's that burkey sitting on it?'
- Baldrick: I'm not with you, sir.
- Edmund: No, of course not. But don't worry, we'll have years in luxury hotels
- for me to explain. Now get packing, get packing. The Burtrain (?)
- leaves at six and we're going to be on it.
- Darling: (entering) Blackadder.
- Edmund: Ah Darling, everything alright?
- Darling: Oh yes.
- Edmund: Got the tickets?
- Darling: Oh yes.
- Melchett: (calling, enters) Blackadder!?
- Edmund: Oh hi, General. Enjoy the show?
- Melchett: Don't be ridiculous, the worst evening I've ever spent in my life!
- (paces forward toward Edmund)
- Edmund: (pacing backward) I'm sorry?
- Melchett: (yells) Will you stand still when I'm talking to you! If by a man's
- works showing (??) that you were a steaming pile of horse manure.
- Edmund: But surely, sir, the show was a trimuph.
- Melchett: (yells real loud) TRIMUPH? The Three Twerps were one Twerp short,
- again; the Slug Balancer seems now to be doing some feeble impres-
- sion of Buster Keaton; and worst of all, the crowning turd in the
- waterpipe, that revolting drag act in the end.
- Edmund: Drag?
- Melchett: Yes, poor Bob Parker's been made to look a total ass! With that reedy
- voice and that stupid effeminate dancing.
- Darling: So the show's cancelled, permenantly. (rips up plane tickets)
- Edmund: But what about the men's morale, sir, with the Russians out of the war
- and everything?
- Melchett: Oh for goodness sake, Blackadder, have you been living in a cave?
- The Amercians joined the war yesterday.
- Edmund: So how is that going to improve the men's morale, sir?
- Melchett: OOooooohhh, because you jibbering imbecile, they've brought with
- them the largest collection of Charlie Chaplin films in existence.
- I've lost patience with you. Fill him in, Darling. (exits)
- Darling: We received a telegram this morning from Mr. Chaplin himself, at
- Sennett Studios: (reads) 'Twice nightly screening of my films in
- trenches, excellent idea stop. But must insist E. Blackadder be
- projectionist. Oh PS, don't let him ever stop.'
- Edmund: Oh great.
- Darling: No hard feelings, Blackadder.
- Edmund: Not at all Darling. Uh, care for a licoriche assortment(?)?
- Darling: (accepts it....which turns out to be Baldrick's dead slug) Well,
- thank you. (eats it)
- ---
- Episode 4 - Private Plane
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Scene 1: BA's Dugout
- --------------------
- [BA is listening to his phonograph. Artillery firing outside is causing the
- record to skip frequently. Annoyed, BA storms outside.]
- Scene 2: In The Trench
- ----------------------
- [Lt. George is in the trench, peering through a pair of binoculars across
- No Man's Land.]
- BA Oh, God, why do they bother?
- George Well, it's to kill Jerry, isn't it, Sir?
- BA Yes, but Jerry is safe underground in concrete bunkers.
- We've shot off over a million cannon shells and what's
- the result? One dachshund with a slight limp!
- [BA yells at the artillery.]
- BA Shut up!
- [Artillery ceases. George looks bemused.]
- BA Thank you! Right, I'm off to bed where I intend to
- sleep until my name changes to Rip Van Adder.
- [BA goes into his dugout.]
- Scene 3: BA's Dugout
- --------------------
- [The phonograph is still playing. BA stops it and lies down on his cot.
- An instant after his head touches the pillow there is the sound of
- aircraft and gunfire from outside. BA rises from his cot.]
- BA Oh, God! Bloody Germans! They can't take a joke, can
- they? Just because we take a few pot-shots at them,
- they have to have an air-raid to get their own back.
- Where are our airforce?
- [BA moves over to the table. A field-telephone sits on the table]
- BA They're meant to defend us against this sort of thing.
- [Noise outside continues. BA puts on steel helmet, picks up telephone and
- dives under the table.]
- BA Right, that's it!
- [Picks up receiver.]
- BA Hello? Yes, yes, I'd like to leave a message for the
- head of the Flying Corps, please. That's Air Chief
- Marshall Sir Hugh Massingburg-Massingburg, VC, DFC and
- bar. Message reads "Where are you, you bastard?"
- [Private Baldrick enters the dugout.]
- Baldrick Here I am, Sir.
- [BA puts down the receiver.]
- BA For God's sake, Baldrick, take cover.
- Baldrick Why's that, Sir?
- BA Because there's an air-raid going on and I don't want to
- have to write to your mother at London Zoo and tell her
- that her only human child is dead.
- [Baldrick moves under the table with BA]
- Baldrick All right, Sir. It's just that I didn't know there was an
- air-raid on. I couldn't hear anything over the noise of
- the terrific display by our wonderful boys of the Royal
- Flying Corps, Sir.
- BA What?
- [George enters the dugout.]
- George I say, those chaps can't half thunder in their airborne
- steeds, can't they just?
- [George notices BA and Baldrick cowering under the table.]
- George Oh, hello, what's going on here? Game of hide and seek?
- Excellent! Right now, I'll go and count to a hundred.
- Er, no. Better make it five, actually . . .
- BA George . . .
- George Er. Oh, it's sardines. Oh, excellent! That's my favourite
- one, that.
- [BA rises from under the table.]
- BA George . . .
- George Yes, Sir?
- BA Shut up, and never say anything again as long as you live.
- George Right you are, Sir.
- [BA removes helmet. George is quiet for a few seconds.]
- George Crikey, but what a show it was, Sir. Lord Flasheart's
- Flying Aces. How we cheered when they spun. How we
- shouted when they dived. How we applauded when one chap
- got sliced in half by his own propeller. Well, it's all
- part of the joke for those magnificent men in their
- flying machines.
- [Sound of plane plummeting, then crashing outside.]
- BA For `magnificent men', read `biggest showoffs since Lady
- Godiva entered the Royal Enclosure at Ascot claiming she
- had literally nothing to wear'. I don't care how many
- times they go up-diddly-up-up, they're still gits!
- Baldrick Oh, come on, Sir! I'd love to be a flier. Up there where
- the air is clear.
- BA The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you,
- Baldrick, are zero!
- Baldrick Oh, Sir. It'd be great, swooping and diving.
- [Baldrick starts his impression of a Sopwith Camel.]
- BA Baldrick . . .
- [Baldrick drones on . . .]
- BA Baldrick . . .
- [Baldrick stops droning on as BA interjects a third time.]
- BA Baldrick, what are you doing?
- Baldrick I'm a Sopwith Camel, Sir.
- BA Oh, it is a Sopwith Camel. Ah, right, I always get confused
- between the sound of a Sopwith Camel and the sound of a
- malodourous runt wasting everybodys time. Now if you
- can do without me in the nursery for a while, I'm going
- to get some fresh air.
- [BA leaves the dugout, picking up his pipe on the way out.]
- Scene 4: In The Trench
- ----------------------
- [As he emerges from the dugout BA sighs and prepares to light his pipe.
- Squadron Commander Lord Flasheart jumps down from his crashed plane.]
- Flasheart Ha! Eat knuckle, Fritz!
- [Flasheart knocks BA to the ground with his pistol, then puts a foot on
- BA's chest.]
- Flasheart Aha! How disgusting. A Boche on the sole of my boot.
- I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it on.
- Probably get shunned in the Officers' Mess. Sorry about
- the pong you fellows, trod in a Boche and can't get rid
- of the whiff.
- [BA rises.]
- BA Do you think we could dispense with the hilarious doggy-do
- metaphor for a moment? I'm not a Boche. This is a British
- trench.
- [Flasheart puts his pistol away.]
- Flasheart Is it? Oh, that's a piece of luck. Thought I'd landed
- sausage-side! Ha!
- [Flasheart picks up the receiver of a field-telephone lying by the dugout
- entrance.]
- Flasheart Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm
- missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't
- want them on my conscience, not when they ought to be on
- my face! Huh!
- [Flasheart kicks the phone into action.]
- Flasheart Hi, Flasheart here. Yeah, cancel the state funeral, tell
- the King to stop blubbing. Flash is not dead. I simply
- ran out of juice! Yeah, and before all the girls start
- saying "Oh, what's the point of living anymore", I'm talking
- about petrol! Woof, woof!
- Yeah, I dumped the kite on the proles, so send a car. Er,
- General Melchett's driver should do. She hangs around with
- the big nobs, so she'll be used to a fellow like me! Woof,
- woof!
- BA Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call
- somewhere else?
- [Flasheart is still on the phone and ignores BA.]
- Flasheart No, not in half an hour, you rubber-desk johnny. Send the
- bitch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back to
- England and give your wife something to hang her towels on.
- [Flasheart throws down the receiver.]
- Flasheart Okay, dig out your best booze and let's talk about me
- 'til the car comes. You must be pretty impressed having
- Squadron Commander the Lord Flasheart drop in on your
- squalid bit of line.
- BA Actually, no. I was more impressed by the contents of my
- handkerchief the last time I blew my nose.
- Flasheart Yeah, like hell. Huh, huh. You've probably got little
- piccies of me on the walls of your dugout, haven't you?
- [Flasheart tickles the front of BA's trousers.]
- Flasheart I bet you go all girly and giggly every time you look at
- me.
- [Flasheart twists BA's John Thomas. BA (naturally) screams.]
- BA I'm afraid not. Unfortunately, most of the infantry think
- you're a prat. Ask them who they'd prefer to meet:
- Squadron Commander Flasheart and the man who cleans out
- the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock
- "Poo-Pong" McPlop, every time.
- [Flasheart laughs, then belts BA, knocking him to the floor.]
- [Flasheart goes into the dugout.]
- Scene 5: BA's Dugout
- --------------------
- [George and Baldrick are discussing the Flying Aces.]
- George . . . so when that fellow looped-the-loop, I honestly
- thought that, that, that . . .
- [Flasheart enters, saluting. George sees him. BA enters behind Flasheart.]
- George My God!
- Flasheart Yes, I suppose I am.
- George Lord Flasheart, this is the greatest honour of my life.
- I hope I snuff it right now to preserve this moment
- forever.
- BA It can be arranged.
- Baldrick Lord Flasheart, I want to learn to write so I can send a
- letter home about this golden moment.
- Flasheart So all the fellows hate me, eh? Not a bit of it. I'm
- your bloody hero, eh, old scout?
- [Flasheart playfully scuffs up Baldrick's hair, then notices that this
- action has left something unpleasant on his glove.]
- Flasheart Jesus!
- [Flasheart wipes his glove on BA's shirt.]
- Baldrick My Lord, I've got every cigarette card they ever printed of
- you. My whole family took up smoking just so that we could
- get the whole set. My grandmother smoked herself to
- death so we could afford the album.
- Flasheart Of course she did, of course she did, the poor love-crazed
- old octogenarian.
- [Flasheart moves to hug and kiss Baldrick, then thinks better of it.]
- Flasheart Well, all right, you fellows. Let's sit us down and yarn
- about how amazingly attractive I am.
- BA Yes, would you excuse me for a moment? I've got some
- urgent business. There's a bucket outside I've got to be
- sick into.
- [Flasheart takes the mickey out of BA's holier-than-thou attitude.]
- Flasheart All right, you chaps, let's get comfy.
- [Flasheart sits down in chair. George sits down on BA's cot. Flasheart
- turns to Baldrick.]
- Flasheart You look like a decent British bloke. I'll park the old
- booties on you if that's okay.
- Baldrick It would be an honour, my Lord.
- [Baldrick kneels down on all fours in front of Flasheart.]
- Flasheart Of course it would! Ha!
- [Flasheart rests his feet on Baldrick's back and sighs.]
- Flasheart Have you any idea what it's like to have the wind
- rushing through your hair?
- George No, Sir.
- [Flasheart breaks wind in Baldrick's face.]
- Flasheart He has!
- Scene 6: BA's Dugout
- --------------------
- [Some time has elapsed. Flasheart is regaling an enthralled George with
- stories. BA is reading a copy of `King and Country' at the table,
- uninterested in what Flasheart has to say.]
- Flasheart . . . so I flew straight through her bedroom window,
- popped a box of chocs on the dressing table,
- machine-gunned my telephone number into the wall, and
- then shot off and shagged her sister.
- [As George creases up, Bobby Parkhurst enters the dugout.]
- Bobby Ahem. Driver Parkhurst reporting for duty, my Lord . . .
- Flasheart Well, well, well. If it isn't little Bobby Parkhurst--
- saucier than a direct hit on a Heinz factory.
- Bobby I've come to pick you up.
- Flasheart Well, that's how I like my girls--direct and to my point.
- Woof!
- Bobby Woof!
- [Flasheart removes his feet from Baldrick, grabs Bobby and puts her across
- his lap and begins to snog her. During the snog BA sarcastically checks
- his watch.]
- Flasheart Ah! Tally ho, then! Back to the bar. You should join
- the Flying Corps, George. That's the way to fight a war.
- Tasty tuck, soft beds and a uniform so smart it's got a
- PhD from Cambridge.
- [Flasheart gestures at Baldrick.]
- Flasheart You could even bring the breath monster here. Anyone can
- be a navigator if he can tell his arse from his elbow.
- BA Well, that's Baldrick out, I fear . . .
- Flasheart We're always looking for talented types to join the
- Twenty Minuters.
- BA . . . and there goes George.
- [Flasheart rises from the chair, lifting Bobby in his arms.]
- Flasheart Tally ho, then, Bobby. Hush, here comes a whizz-bang and I
- think you know what I'm talking about! Woof!
- Bobby Woof!
- [Flasheart and Bobby leave.]
- BA God, it's like Crufts in here!
- [Baldrick and George stand.]
- George I say, Sir. What a splendid notion. The Twenty Minuters.
- Soft tucker, tasty beds, fluffy uniforms.
- Baldrick Begging your permission, Sir, but why do they call them the
- Twenty Minuters?
- George Ah, now, yes, . . .
- [George moves across the dugout to get his card album.]
- George . . . now this one is in my Brooke Bond `Book of the Air'.
- [George returns to the cot and sits down.]
- George Now, you have to collect all the cards and then stick them
- into this wonderful presentation booklet. Er . . .
- [Baldrick sits down next to George.]
- George Ah, here we are: Twenty Minuters. Oh, damn! Haven't got
- the card yet. Ah, but the caption says `Twenty minutes is
- the average amount of time new pilots spend in the air.'
- BA Twenty minutes.
- George That's right, Sir.
- BA I had a twenty hour watch yesterday, with four hours
- overtime, in two feet of water.
- [George, then Baldrick, rise from the cot and move to the table.]
- George Well then, for goodness sake, Sir, why don't we join?
- Baldrick Yeah, be better than just sitting around here all day on our
- elbows.
- BA No thank you. No thank you. I have no desire to hang
- around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty
- minutes work, and then spend the rest of the day loafing
- about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having
- dozens of moist, pink, highly-experienced young French
- peasant girls galloping up and down my . . . Hang on!
- Scene 7: Captain Darling's Office
- ---------------------------------
- [Captain Darling is writing at his desk. There is a knock at the office door.]
- Darling Come!
- [BA enters the office.]
- Darling Ah, Captain Blackadder.
- BA Good morning, Captain Darling.
- Darling What do you want?
- BA You're looking so well.
- Darling I'm a busy man, Blackadder. Let's hear it, whatever it is.
- BA Well, you know, Darling, every . . . every man has a
- dream . . .
- Darling Hmmm . . .
- BA . . . and when I was a small boy, I used to watch the marsh
- warblers swooping in my mothers undercroft, and I remember
- thinking `Will men ever dare do the same?' And you know . . .
- [Darling rises from his desk.]
- Darling Oh, you want to join the Royal Flying Corps?
- BA Oh, that's a thought. Could I?
- Darling No, you couldn't! Goodbye!
- [Darling sits back down.]
- BA Look, come on, Darling, just give me an application form.
- Darling It's out of the question. This is simply a ruse to waste
- five months of training after which you'll claim you can't
- fly after all because it makes your ears go `pop'. Come on,
- I wasn't born yesterday, Blackadder.
- BA More's the pity, we could have started your personality from
- scratch. So, the training period is five months, is it?
- Darling It's no concern of yours if it's five years and comes with a
- free holiday in Tunisia, contraceptives supplied. Besides,
- they wouldn't admit you. It's not easy getting transfers,
- you know.
- [Darling returns to his work.]
- BA Oh, you've tried it yourself, have you?
- [Darling breaks his pencil.]
- Darling No, I haven't.
- BA Trust you to try and skive off to some cushy option.
- Darling There's nothing cushy about life in the Womens Auxiliary
- Balloon Corps.
- [BA raises his eyebrows at this.]
- Darling Ah . . .
- [The door to General Melchett's office opens and the General and George
- enter. BA and Darling snap to attention. BA salutes.]
- George . . . and then the bishop said "I'm awfully sorry, I
- didn't realise you meant organist."
- [Melchett chortles.]
- Melchett Thank you, George. At ease, everyone. Now, where's my
- map? Come on.
- Darling Sir!
- [Darling hands Melchett his map.]
- Melchett Thank you.
- [Melchett unfurls the map the wrong way.]
- Melchett God, it's a barren, featureless desert out there, isn't it.
- Darling The other side, Sir!
- [Melchett turns the map over. BA turns to George.]
- BA Hello, George. What are you doing here?
- George Me, Sir? I just popped in to join the Royal Flying Corps.
- [Melchett looks up from his map.]
- Melchett Hello, Blackadder. What are you doing here?
- BA Me, Sir? I just popped in to join the Royal Flying Corps.
- Darling And, of course, I said . . .
- Melchett Bravo, I hope, Darling. Because, you know, I've always had
- my doubts about you trenchy-type fellows. Always suspected
- there might be a bit too much of the battle-dodging,
- nappy-wearing, I'd-rather-have-a-cup-of-tea-than-charge-
- stark-naked-at-Jerry about you. But if you're willing to
- join the Twenty Minuters then you're all right by me and
- welcome to marry my sister any day.
- Darling Are you sure about this, Sir?
- Melchett Certainly, you should hear the noise she makes when she eats
- a boiled egg. Be glad to get her out of the house. So,
- report back here 09:00 hours for your basic training.
- Scene 8: Captain Darling's Office
- ---------------------------------
- [It is the next morning. Darling's office has been set out with chairs and
- there is a blackboard with a chalk picture of a Sopwith Camel on it. BA and
- George are in the front row of seats. There are three other trainees.
- Darling is at his desk at the back.]
- George Crikey! I'm looking forward to today. Up-diddly-up,
- down-diddly-down, whoops-poop, twiddly-dee, a decent scrap
- with the fiendish Red Baron, a bit of a jolly old crash
- landing behind enemy lines, capture, torture, escape and
- then back home in time for tea and medals.
- BA George, who's using the family brain-cell at the moment?
- This is just the beginning of the training. The beginning
- of five long months of very clever, very dull men looking
- at machinery.
- [Flasheart is heard in the corridor.]
- Flasheart Hey, girls! Look at my machinery!
- [The sound of screaming women is heard from the corridor. Flasheart enters
- Darling's office, zipping up his flys. He is carrying a stick. All present
- rise to attention.]
- Flasheart Enter a man who has no underwear. Ask me why.
- All except BA Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?
- Flasheart Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the
- job on.
- [Flasheart performs a groinal thrust.]
- Flasheart And that's the type of guy who's doing the training around
- here. Sit down!
- [All sit. Flasheart notices BA.]
- Flasheart Well, well, well, well, well. If it isn't old Captain
- Slack Bladder.
- BA Blackadder.
- Flasheart Couldn't resist it, eh, Slack Bladder? Told you you thought
- I was great. All right men, let's do-oo-oo it! The first
- thing to remember is: always treat your kite . . .
- [Flasheart taps the picture of the Sopwith Camel with his stick.]
- Flasheart . . . like you treat your woman!
- [Flasheart whips the air with his cane.]
- George How, how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, do you mean take her
- home at weekends to meet your mother?
- Flasheart No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to
- heaven and back.
- [George smirks.]
- BA I'm beginning to see why the Suffragette Movement want the
- vote.
- Flasheart Hey, hey! Any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings
- and suffer a jet movement gets my vote. Er, right. Well,
- I'll see you in ten minutes for take-off.
- [Flasheart begins to leave.]
- BA Hang on, hang on! What about the months of training?
- Flasheart Hey, wet-pants! This isn't the Womens Auxiliary Balloon
- Corps. You're in the Twenty Minuters now.
- [Darling stands up.]
- Darling Er, Sir . . .
- Flasheart Yes . . .
- Darling . . . Sir!
- Flasheart . . . Prat at the back!
- Darling I think we'd all be intrigued to know why you're called the
- Twenty Minuters.
- George Oh, Mister Thicko. Imagine not knowing that.
- Flasheart Well, it's simple! The average life expectancy for a new
- pilot is twenty minutes.
- Darling Ah . . .
- [Darling sits.]
- BA Life expectancy . . . of twenty minutes . . .
- Flasheart That's right. Goggles on, chocks away, last one back's a
- homo! Hurray!
- [Flasheart runs out of the room.]
- Trainee Pilots Hurray!
- [Trainee Pilots run after Flasheart.]
- BA So, we take off in ten minutes, we're in the air for twenty
- minutes, which means we should be dead by twenty five to ten.
- George Hairy blighters, Sir. This is a bit of a turn-up for the
- plus fours.
- [Darling rises and moves to the door.]
- Darling I shouldn't worry about it too much, Blackadder. Flying's
- all about navigation. As long as you've got a good navigator
- I'm sure you'll be fine.
- [Darling sniggers as he opens the door to reveal Baldrick in flying gear.
- Baldrick enters. Darling leaves.]
- Scene 9: In The Air
- -------------------
- [BA and Baldrick are flying in a Sopwith Camel. George is another Camel.]
- BA Actually, they're right. This is a doddle.
- Baldrick Careful, Sir!
- BA Whoops, whoops, a little wobble there. I'll get the hang
- of it, don't worry. All right, Baldrick, how many rounds
- have we got?
- Baldrick Er, five hundred, Sir. Cheese and tomato for you, rat for
- me.
- George Tally-bally ho!
- Baldrick What's this?
- [Baldrick climbs out of his seat.]
- BA Baldrick! Baldrick! Will you stop arsing about and get back
- in the plane!
- Baldrick Ooh, ooh, ooh! Hey, Sir, I can see a pretty red plane from
- up here. Ha ha! Woo woo!
- von Richthoven Schnell! Da unten! Ha ha ha!
- [von Richthoven shoots out one of the wing-supports on Blackadders aircraft.]
- BA Oh no! Watch out, Baldrick, it's stood right on our tail.
- Yes, now this is developing into a distinctly boring
- situation, but we're still on our side of the line so I'll
- crash-land and claim my ears went `pop' first time out.
- Baldrick Ooh, let's hope we fall on something soft!
- BA Fine. I'll try and aim between General Melchett's ears!
- Scene 10: A German Prison Cell
- ------------------------------
- [BA is pacing about the cell. Baldrick is seated.]
- BA I don't believe it. A German prison cell. For two and a
- half years the Western Front has been as likely to move as a
- Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel, and last night the
- Germans advance a mile and we land on the wrong side.
- Baldrick Ooh, dear, Captain B, my tummy's gone all squirty.
- BA That means you're scared, Baldrick, and you're not the only
- one. I couldn't be more petrified if a wild rhinoceros had
- just come home from a hard day at the swamp and found me
- wearing his pyjamas, smoking his cigars and in bed with his
- wife.
- Baldrick I've heard what these Germans will do, Sir. They'll have
- their wicked way with anything of woman-born.
- BA Well, in that case, Baldrick, you're quite safe. However,
- the Teutonic reputation for brutality is well-founded: their
- operas last three or four days; and they have no word
- for `fluffy'.
- Baldrick I want my mum!
- BA Yes, it'd be good to see her. I should imagine a maternally-
- outraged gorilla could be a useful ally when it comes to the
- final scrap.
- [Footsteps are heard outside the cell.]
- BA Prepare to die like a man, Baldrick.
- [Baldrick stands.]
- BA Or as close as you can come to a man without actually
- shaving the palms of your hands.
- [The door opens and Oberleutnant von Gerhardt enters.]
- von Gerhardt Good evening. I am Oberleutnant von Gerhardt. I have
- a message from the Baron von Richthoven, the greatest living
- German.
- BA Which, considering that his competition consists entirely
- of very fat men in leather shorts burping to the tune of
- `She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain', is no great
- achievement.
- von Gerhardt Quiet!
- [von Gerhardt slaps Baldrick across the face. Baldrick falls against the
- wall.]
- BA And what is your message?
- von Gerhardt It is: Prepare for a fate worse than death, English flying
- fellow.
- BA Oh. So, it's the traditional warm German welcome.
- von Gerhardt Correct. Also, he is saying: Do not try to escape or you
- will suffer even worse.
- BA A fate worse than a fate worse than death? Sounds pretty bad.
- Scene 11: Captain Darling's Office
- ----------------------------------
- [George and Darling are arguing loudly, there is confused chatter.]
- George Yes well, you see, it's all very well for you, isn't it,
- sitting here behind yer, behind yer, behind yer comfy desk.
- Darling Don't you take that tone with me, Lieutenant, or I'll have
- you on a charge for insurbordination.
- George Well, I'd rather be on a charge for insubordination than on a
- charge of deserting a friend.
- Darling How dare you talk to me like that!
- George How dare I . . .?
- [General Melchett, attracted by the noise, enters from his office.]
- Melchett Now, then, now then, now, now, then, now then, now then,
- then now, now, now then. What's going on here?
- Darling That damn fool Blackadder has crashed his plane behind enemy
- lines, Sir. This young idiot wants to go and try rescue him.
- It's a total waste of men and equipment.
- George He's not a damn fool, Sir, he's a bally hero.
- Melchett All right. All right, all right, all right. I'll deal with
- this, Darling. Delicate touch needed, I fancy.
- [Melchett takes George over to the fireplace.]
- Melchett Now, George. Do you remember when I came down to visit you
- when you were a nipper for your sixth birthday? You used to
- have a lovely little rabbit. Beautiful little thing. Do you
- remember?
- George Flossy.
- Melchett That's right. Flossy. Do you remember what happened to
- Flossy?
- George You shot him.
- Melchett That's right. It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been
- run over by that car.
- George By your car, Sir.
- Melchett Yes, by my car. But that too was an act of mercy when you
- would remember that that dog had been set on him.
- George Your dog, Sir.
- Melchett Yes, yes, my dog. But what I'm trying to say, George, is
- that the state young Flossy was in after we'd scraped him off
- my front tyre is very much the state that young Blackadder
- will be in now. If not very nearly dead, then very actually
- dead.
- George Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?
- Melchett Permission granted.
- [George's lips wobble.]
- Melchett Stout fellow.
- George But surely, Sir, you must allow me to at least try and save
- him.
- Melchett No, George. It would be as pointless as trying to teach a
- woman the value of a good, forward defensive stroke. Besides,
- it would take a superman to get him out of there, not the
- kind of weed who blubs just because somebody gives him a slice
- of rabbit pie instead of birthday cake.
- George Well, I suppose you're right, Sir.
- Melchett Course I am. Now let's talk about something more jolly,
- shall we? Look, this is the amount of land we've
- recaptured since yesterday.
- [Melchett and George move over to the map table.]
- George Oh, excellent.
- Melchett Erm, what is the actual scale of this map, Darling?
- Darling Erm, one-to-one, Sir.
- Melchett Come again?
- Darling Er, the map is actually life-size, Sir. It's superbly
- detailed. Look, look, there's a little worm.
- Melchett Oh, yes. So the actual amount of land retaken is?
- [Darling whips out a tape measure amd measures the table.]
- Darling Excuse me, Sir. Seventeen square feet, Sir.
- Melchett Excellent. So you see, young Blackadder didn't die horribly
- in vain after all.
- George If he did die, Sir.
- Darling Tch!
- Melchett That's the spirit, George. If nothing else works, then a
- total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face
- will see us through.
- Scene 12: A German Prison Cell
- ------------------------------
- [BA is seated. Baldrick is sitting on the floor. There is a jangling of
- keys, the cell door opens and the Red Baron enters.]
- von Richthoven So! I am the Red Baron von Richthoven and you are the two
- English flying aces responsible for the spilling of the
- precious German blood of many of my finest and my
- blondest friends. I have waited many months to do this.
- [von Richthoven kisses BA on both cheeks.]
- BA You may have been right, Balders. Looks like we're going
- to get rogered to death after all.
- Baldrick Do you want me to go first, Sir?
- [von Richthoven laughs.]
- von Richthoven You English and your sense of humour. During your brief
- stay I look forward to learning more of your wit, your
- punning and your amusing jokes about the breaking of the wind.
- BA Well, Baldrick's the expert there.
- Baldrick I certainly am, Sir.
- [von Richthoven laughs.]
- von Richthoven How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing.
- For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the
- basis of an entire culture.
- [Baldrick laughs, von Richthoven slaps him in the face.]
- von Richthoven I must now tell you of the full horror of what awaits you.
- BA Ah, you see, Balders. Dress it up in any amount of pompous
- verbal diarrhoea, and the message is `Squareheads down for
- the big Boche gang-bang'.
- von Richthoven As an officer and a gentleman, you will be looking forward
- to a quick and noble death.
- BA Well, obviously.
- von Richthoven But, instead, an even worse fate awaits you. Tomorrow, you
- will be taken back to Germany . . .
- BA Here it comes!
- von Richthoven . . . to a convent school, outside Heidelberg, where you will
- spend the rest of the war teaching the young girls home
- economics.
- BA Er . . .
- von Richthoven For you, as a man of honour, the humiliation will be
- unbearable.
- BA Oh, I think you'll find we're tougher than you imagine.
- von Richthoven Ha! I can tell how much you are suffering by your long
- faeces.
- BA We're not suffering too much to say `thank you'. Thank you.
- Say `thank you', Baldrick.
- Baldrick Thank you, Baldrick.
- [von Richthoven laughs.]
- von Richthoven How amusing. But now, forgive me. I must take to the skies
- once again. Very funny. The noble Lord Flasheart still
- eludes me.
- BA I think you'll find he's overrated. Bad breath and . . .
- impotent, they say.
- [von Richthoven laughs.]
- von Richthoven Sexual innuendo.
- [von Richthoven laughs.]
- von Richthoven But enough of this. As you say in England, I must fly.
- [von Richthoven laughs.]
- von Richthoven Perhaps I will master this humour after all, ja?
- BA I wouldn't be too optomistic.
- von Richthoven Oh, and the little fellow, if you get lonely in the night,
- I'm in the old chateau. There's no pressure.
- [von Richthoven starts to leave. As he moves up the steps to the cell door
- he prat-falls and laughs.]
- von Richthoven Prat-fall!
- [von Richthoven leaves the cell, laughing as he goes.]
- Baldrick Is it really true, Sir? Is the war really over for us?
- BA Yup! Out of the war and teaching nuns how to boil eggs.
- For us, the Great War is finito. A war that would be a damn
- sight simpler if we'd just stayed in England and shot fifty
- thousand of our men a week. No more mud, death, rats, bombs,
- shrapnel, whizz-bangs, barbed wire and those bloody awful
- songs that have the word `whoops' in the title.
- [BA notices that the cell door has been left ajar.]
- BA Oh, damn! He's, he's left the door open.
- Baldrick Oh, good! We can escape, Sir.
- BA Are you mad, Baldrick? I'll find someone to lock it for us.
- [BA opens the door to find George standing there.]
- George Ssh! Keep-ee! Mum's the word! Not 'arf, or what?
- [BA shuts the door in George's face.]
- Baldrick Sir, why did you just slam the door on Lieutenant George?
- BA I can't believe it. Go away!
- [George pushes the door open and enters the cell.]
- George It's me. It's me.
- BA But what the hell are you doing here?
- George Oh, never mind the hows, and the whys and the do-you-mind-
- if-I-don'ts.
- BA But it would have taken a superman to get in here.
- George Well, it's funny you should say that, because as it
- happens I did have some help from a rather spiffing bloke.
- He's taken a break from some crucial top-level shagging.
- [Flasheart smashes through the cell door, swinging on a rope. As he lands,
- he trumpets his own arrival.]
- Flasheart It's me. Hurray!
- George and Baldrick
- Hurray!
- [Flasheart smashes Baldrick in the face. Baldrick falls to the floor.]
- Flasheart God's potatoes, George. You said noble brother friars were
- in the lurch. If I'd known you meant old Slack Bladder and
- the mound of the hound of the Baskervilles, I'd probably
- have let them stew in their own juice.
- [Baldrick rises.]
- Flasheart And let me tell you, if I ever tried that, I'd probably
- drown.
- [Baldrick laughs. Flasheart laughs and smacks Baldrick in the face.
- Baldrick wings floor-ward again.]
- Flasheart Still, since I'm here, I may as well do-oo it, as the
- Bishop said to the netball team. Come on, chums!
- [Flasheart runs out of the cell, followed by George and Baldrick. BA sits
- down and begins to moan, faking an injury.]
- BA Aah! Ow! Aah!
- [Flasheart runs back into the cell, followed by George and Baldrick.]
- Flasheart Come on.
- BA Yes, yes. Look, I'm sorry, chaps, but I've splintered my
- pancreas. Erm, and I seem to have this terrible cough.
- [BA fakes a couple of coughs.]
- BA Coff-guards! Coff-guards!
- Flasheart Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Now I may be
- packing the kind of tackle that you'd normally expect to find
- swinging about between the hindlegs of a Grand National
- winner, but I'm not totally stupid, and I've got the kind of
- feeling you'd rather we hadn't come.
- BA No, no, no, I'm very grateful. It's just that I'd slow you
- up.
- Flasheart I think I'm beginning to understand.
- BA Are . . . are you?
- Flasheart Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture
- just by sitting on it, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this
- damn war: the blood, the noise, the endless poetry.
- BA Is that really what you think, Flasheart?
- [Flasheart whips out his pistol and threatens BA.]
- Flasheart Course it's not what I think. Now get out that door before
- I redecorate that wall an interesting new colour called
- `hint of brain'.
- BA Excellent. Well, that's clear. Let's get back to that
- lovely war, then!
- Flasheart Woof!
- George Woof!
- Baldrick Bark!
- [As the group moves to leave, von Richthoven appears at the cell door.]
- von Richthoven Not so fast, Blackadder.
- BA Oh, damn! Foiled again! What bad luck!
- [von Richthoven enters the cell.]
- von Richthoven Ah, and the Lord Flasheart. This is indeed an honour.
- Finally, the two greatest gentleman fliers in the world meet.
- Two men of honour, who have jousted together in the
- cloud-strewn glory of the skies, face to face at last. How
- often I have rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams.
- The panoply to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of a
- comradeship.
- [Flasheart shoots von Richthoven.]
- Flasheart What a poof! Come on!
- [All exit the cell, cheering.]
- Scene 13: Captain Darling's Office
- ----------------------------------
- [Darling is dusting the office door. BA opens the door in Darling's face.]
- BA Hello, Darling.
- [Darling retreats backwards towards his desk as BA enters.]
- Darling Good Lord. Captain Blackadder. I thought, I thought you
- were . . .
- BA Playing tennis?
- Darling No.
- BA Dead?
- Darling Well, yes, unfortunately.
- BA Well, I had a lucky escape. No thanks to you. This is a
- friend of mine.
- [Flasheart is standing on Darling's desk. Darling turns around and finds
- himself staring at Flasheart's crotch.]
- Darling Argh!
- Flasheart Hi, creep.
- BA Flasheart, this is Captain Darling.
- Flasheart Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy, isn't it?
- [Flasheart jumps down from the desk.]
- Flasheart Last person I called `Darling' was pregnant twenty seconds
- later. Hear you couldn't be bothered to help old Slacky
- here.
- Darling Er, well, it . . . it wasn't quite that, Sir. It's just
- that we weighed up the pros and cons, and decided it wasn't a
- reasonable use of our time and resources.
- Flasheart Well, this isn't a reasonable use of my time and resources,
- but I'm going to do it anyway.
- Darling What?
- Flasheart This!
- [Flasheart head-butts Darling. Darling groans and falls backwards across his
- desk.]
- Flasheart All right, Slacky! All right, Slacky! I've got to fly.
- Two million chicks, only one Flasheart. And remember, if
- you want something, take it. Bobby!
- [Bobby enters the office and salutes.]
- Bobby My Lord!
- Flasheart I want something!
- Bobby Take it!
- Flasheart Woof!
- [Bobby starts to unbutton her top as she leaves the office, followed by
- Flasheart.]
- BA Git!
- [General Melchett enters from his office.]
- Melchett Ah, Blackadder. So you escaped.
- BA Yes, Sir.
- Melchett Bravo!
- [Melchett notices the unconcious Darling.]
- Melchett Don't slouch, Darling.
- BA I was wondering whether, having been tortured by the most
- vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a
- week's leave to recuperate, Sir.
- Melchett Excellent idea. Your commanding officer would have to be
- stark raving mad to refuse you.
- BA Well, you are my commanding officer.
- Melchett Well?
- BA Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, Sir?
- Melchett Certainly not!
- BA Thank you, Sir.
- Melchett Baaaaaa!
- ---
- Episode 5 - General Hospital
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- (George, Edmund and Baldrick are in their room in the trenches)
- George: I spy with my little eye (he looks behind his shoulder and sees a
- mug) something beginning with `M'.
- Baldrick: Erm...
- George: (encouraging) MMM...
- Baldrick: Erm...
- George: (encouraging) MMM... (he bobs his head down to within inches of the
- mug a few times)
- Baldrick: Mmm...
- (this carries on for a while)
- George: MMMuh... (he picks up the mug and holds it in front of him)
- Baldrick: Mmm...
- Edmund: (wishing he could read his book in peace; can't stand this carrying
- on any longer; shouts) MUG!!!
- George: Oh, I say, well done, sir. Your turn.
- Edmund: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with `T'.
- Baldrick: Breakfast!
- Edmund: What?
- Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage,
- and a egg with some little soldiers.
- Edmund: Baldrick, when I said it begins with `T', I was talking about a letter.
- Baldrick: Nah, it never begins with a letter; the postman don't come 'til
- 10.30.
- Edmund: I can't go on with this. (stands) George, take over.
- George: All right, sir. Erm, I spy with my litle eye something beginning
- with `R'.
- Baldrick: (raises his arm, even though he's the only one playing now) Army!
- Edmund: For God's sake, Baldrick! `Army' starts with an `A'. He's looking for
- something that starts with an `R'. RRRrrrrr!
- Baldrick: Motorbike!
- Edmund: What?
- Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a `RRRRRrrrrrrrrrm! RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr--'
- Edmund: All right, right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with `Come
- here' and ends with `Ow'?
- Baldrick: I don't know.
- Edmund: Come here.
- (Baldrick moves closer to Edmund; Edmund punches Baldrick in the face)
- Baldrick: Ow! (falls to the ground)
- Edmund: Well done.
- George: No (laughs), I don't think you've quite got the hang of this
- game, to be honest, sir. I tell you what, let's try another one.
- Erm, I hear with my little ear, er, something beginning with
- `B'.
- Edmund: What?
- George: Bomb.
- Edmund: I can't hear a bomb.
- George: Listen very carefully.
- (a bomb approaching whistle is heard)
- Edmund: Ah yes.
- (The bomb explodes)
- (in hospital; George is wounded from that bomb and is talking to Nurse
- Mary about a letter he's writing; Mary is massaging his foot)
- George: Finished.
- Mary: Come on, then.
- George: All right, and then you can tell me what you think, but be honest,
- now.
- Mary: (giggly) I will!
- George: All right, then. (reads) "Dear Uncle H., how are you?" (Nurse laughs)
- Yeah, it's good isn't it? Erm, "It's beastly rotten luck being laid
- up here, but everyone's very nice, and at least now I can write to
- you every day." Oh, ahem, then I put in that silly bit about, er...
- Mary: What? What?
- George: No, it's, er...
- Mary: Oh, come on, you can tell me.
- George: "And the nurse is an absolute peach." (buries his face in the letter,
- embarrassed) Anyway, "After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was
- marvellous. He joked and joked. `You lucky lucky lucky bastard!' he
- cried. Then he lay on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the
- trench, and shouted, `Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about
- me?' "
- Mary: Well, Captain Blacky does indeed sound a most witty and courageous chap.
- George: Yes, and he's very amusing and brave, as well. Not to mention he's as
- clever as a chap with three heads!
- (Mary stands, ruffles George's hair and fluffs his pillows)
- George: Thanks ever so much. You really are terribly kind, as well as being
- dash pretty to boot.
- Mary: (having retrieved a teddy bear from behind the pillows) Oh dear.
- A fluffy pillow and a big cheery smile is the least my lovely boyses
- deserve. (gives George the teddy bear) Now, you take a little trip to
- Dozy Land. (george takes the bear and begins sucking his thumb) You've
- got visitors coming, and we don't want to be all tired and cross (??),
- do we?
- George: Absolutely not, no. It'll be so jolly to see Baldrick and the cap
- again. They'll have been worried sick about me, you know.
- (Edmund and Baldrick enter)
- Edmund: All right, where is the malingering git?
- George: Hello, Cap! Pip pip, Balders! Here I lie.
- Baldrick: Nice to see the lieutenant looking so well, sir.
- Edmund: Of course he's looking well -- there's nothing wrong with him.
- George: Pff! (to Mary) Didn't I tell you the captain was a super (cope? [as
- a made-up noun form of `copesetic'?])!
- Mary: (bubbly) You did! (stands) Well, Captain, you are indeed fortunate to
- have a loyal friend like darling Georgy.
- Edmund: Mm, I think you might be under a slight misapprehension here, Nurse.
- I lost closer friends than `Darling Georgy' the last time I was
- deloused. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got better things to do
- than exchange pleasantries with a wet blanket. Would you get out?
- (Mary is agape)
- Edmund: We've got some important military business...
- Nurse: Well, ten minutes only, then. (leaves)
- Edmund: Right, porkface, where's the grub? (sits in bedside chair)
- George: Pardon?
- Edmund: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your
- relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the
- size of Westminster Abbey.
- George: My family is not inbred!
- Edmund: Come on, somewhere outside (Saffon-Waldon?) there's an uncle who's
- seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him
- look as though he's constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.
- George: I have not got any uncles like that! Anyway, he lives in
- (Walton-on-the-Naise?).
- Edmund: Well, exactly. Now, where's the tuck?
- George: Well, there were one or two things, yes. There was, er, a potted
- turkey, a (??) jelly, three tinned sheep, and, er, twelve hundred
- chocolates. But, in my weakened state...
- Edmund: Yes?
- George: ...I, er, I ate them.
- Edmund: What?
- George: Well, Nurse Mary nibbled a trotter or two, but... Oh, Cap, she's such
- a wonderful girl. She helps me with all my letters, she can do all the
- German spelling and she's terribly good at punctuation.
- Edmund: I don't care if she can sing `I May Be a Tiny Chimney Sweep, But I've
- Got an Enormous Brush'. Come on, Baldrick -- the only thing we're
- going to get for free around here is dysentery.
- Baldrick: (softly) But, sir, I haven't given Lieutenant George my bunch of
- flowers yet.
- Edmund: Alright, hurry up, hurry up.
- Baldrick: Here you are, sir, I got you these. (holds up some flower stems, sans
- the actual flowers) Unfortunately, they've had their heads shot off.
- Edmund: Whereas (??) say it with flowers, Baldrick says it with stalks.
- (Mary enters during that line)
- Mary: Well, Captain, I'm afraid you'll have to leave us now.
- Edmund: Oh really?
- Mary: Yes. You must report to General Melchett immediately.
- Edmund: Oh great. Yet another tempting opportunity for suicide beckons.
- George: Gosh, I wish I could come with you, you know, sir.
- Mary: Oh no, you must take care, my brave hero. (puts hand on his forehead)
- Edmund: `Brave hero', Nurse? I was more wounded the last time I clipped my
- toenails.
- Mary: (to George) Take no notice of him.
- Edmund: (in a sarcastically sympathetic voice) Yes, pay no attention to the
- nasty man.
- Mary: Look, If I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what
- can I give them?
- Edmund: Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably
- think they were unhygenic.
- (Mary leaves in huff, while another patient, Smith, limps in)
- Edmund: Come on, Baldrick. (turns to Smith) Hello, what's your name?
- Smith: (with German accent) My name is Mr Smith.
- Edmund: I'm sorry that you've been landed opposite to such a total git, Smith.
- It's bad enough to be wounded without having to share a ward with
- Bananabrain.
- Smith: Danke shoen, danke shoen; ich bin (gans?) comfortable. (??)
- Edmund: (slightly puzzled) Yes... (leaves)
- (in Melchett's office)
- (knock at door)
- Melchett: Enter.
- (Edmund comes in, but finds the room apparently empty)
- Edmund: (puts his hat down on the desk corner) Hello?
- (The camera view changes to just behind the other side of the desk.
- It's the view of a person. Edmund turns round and the view ducks
- completely behind the desk for a moment before peeking up again.
- Across the room, the legs behind a large map include human legs in
- uniform. Edmund approaches the map. The person through whose eyes
- we're witnessing this comes out from behind the desk and follows
- Edmund across the room, and starts to breathe heavily. Edmund sees a
- panel in the map and slides it open, revealing General Melchett's
- face. Just then, our eyes' owner, Captain Darling, jumps Edmund
- from behind. The camera view changes. Darling is holding his
- revolver as he forces Edmund to the fireplace, where a fire is
- burning.)
- Darling: Right! Spread 'em! (he frisks Edmund, taking away his gun; he speaks
- to Melchett) Right, he's clear, sir.
- Melchett: Beah!
- Edmund: Can anyone tell me what's going on?
- Darling: Security, Blackadder.
- Edmund: Security?
- Melchett: (coming out from behind the map) `Security' isn't a dirty word,
- Blackadder. `Crevice' is a dirty word, but `security' isn't.
- Edmund: So, in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has
- to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert.
- Darling: Only doing my job, Blackadder.
- Edmund: Oh, well, how lucky you are, then, that your job is also your hobby.
- Melchett: Now there's another dirty word: `job'!
- Edmund: Sir, is there something the matter?
- Melchett: You're damn right there is something the matter. (heads for desk)
- Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that
- it's going on right here under my very nose. (sits behind desk)
- Edmund: (protesting) Sir, your moustache is lovely...
- Darling: What the general means, Blackadder, is: There's a leak.
- Melchett: Now `leak' is a positively disgusting word.
- Darling: The Germans seem to be able to anticipate our every move. We send up
- an aeroplane, there's a Jerry squadron parked behind the nearest
- cloud; we move troops to (??), the Germans have bought the
- whole town's supply of lavatory paper. In short: A German spy is
- giving away every one of our battle plans.
- Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.
- Edmund: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
- Melchett: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are
- directed?
- Edmund: Our battles are directed, sir?
- Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder -- directed according to the
- Grand Plan.
- Edmund: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until every-
- one's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise,
- Alan?
- Melchett: Great Scott! (stands) Even you know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the
- doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows!
- This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!
- Darling: So you see, Blackadder, Field Marshal Haig is most anxious to
- eliminate all these German spies.
- Melchett: Filthy Hun weasels fighting their dirty underhand war!
- Darling: And, fortunately, one of *our* spies--
- Melchett: Splendid fellows, brave heroes, risking life and limb for Blighty!
- Darling: ...has discovered that the leak is coming from the Field Hospital.
- Edmund: You think there's a German spy in the Field Hospital? I think you
- might be right, there.
- Melchett: Your job, Blackadder, is to root this spy out. How long do you think
- you'll need?
- Edmund: (looks at his watch) Ooh, er...
- Melchett: You'll have to be away from the trenches for some time.
- Edmund: Six months?
- Darling: (??), Blackadder. You've got three weeks.
- Melchett: Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out! Use any method you see
- fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get hold of a cocker spaniel,
- tie your suspect down on a chair, with a potty on his head, then
- pop his todger between two flowery (bamps?) and shout, "Dinnertime,
- Fido!" However, if you are successful, I shall need you back here
- permanently, to head up my new security network, Operation Winkle.
- Edmund: Winkle?
- Melchett: Yes -- to winkle out the spies.
- Darling: (upset that he wasn't offered the position) You never mentioned
- this to me, sir!
- Melchett: Well, we have to have some secrets, don't we, Darling...
- Edmund: Right, well, I'll be back in three weeks. (takes his hat and revolver)
- Melchett: Excellent. And if you come back with the information, Captain
- Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
- Edmund: Not while I have my strength, he won't. (exits, as Darling points at
- him angrily)
- Darling: Damnation, sir! His insolence makes my blood boil! Once more, I
- don't trust him, sir. I think it would be best if I went to the
- hospital myself, to keep an eye on him.
- Melchett: What, spy on our own spy as he searches for their spy? Yes, why
- not? -- sounds rather fun. You'll have to go under cover...
- Darling: Oh, definitely, sir.
- Melchett: You'll need some sort of wound, a convincing wound...
- Darling: Naturally, sir.
- Melchett: Yes. (shoots Darling in the foot; Darling screams and falls down,
- his hand weakly poking up from behind the side of the desk) Yes,
- that looks quite convincing. (Darling's hand finally falls behind
- the desk)
- (back in the room at the trenches)
- Edmund: Right, pack me a toothbrush, Baldrick. We're going on holiday.
- Baldrick: Hurray! Where to?
- Edmund: Hospital.
- Baldrick: Oh, no, I hate hostipals. My grandfather went into one, and when he
- come out, he was dead.
- Edmund: He was also dead when he went in, Baldrick. He'd been run over by a
- traction engine.
- Baldrick: I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around inside me--
- Edmund: Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?
- Baldrick: They might find me interesting.
- Edmund: Baldrick, I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan Sewage System
- interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on some
- rubber gloves and pull things out if it with a pair of tweezers.
- Baldrick: Still, I tell you what, sir, you might have a chance to get to know
- that pretty nurse. (tries to make a cute face)
- Edmund: No, thank you, Baldrick. She's as wet as a fish's wet bits. I'd rather
- get to know you.
- Baldrick: I'm not available, sir. I'm waiting for Miss Right to come along and
- gather me up in her arms.
- Edmund: Yes, I wouldn't be too hopeful; we'd have to get her arms out of a
- straightjacket first. Now get packing!
- (at hospital; George is writing another letter, and reading it out to Mary
- and Smith)
- Smith: So very interesting! Please do continue. (??)
- George: Right, then I go on to say, "The orders came through for us to
- advance at 0800 hours in a pincer movement."
- Mary: Gosh, how exciting!
- George: Yes, well, hmm...
- (enter Edmund)
- Edmund: 'afternoon, George.
- George: Ah, hello, Cap!
- Mary: Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more
- decorum this time.
- Edmund: No, I am going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off!
- (Mary leaves in a huff; Edmund waves his hat at Smith, to make him
- leave the bedside)
- Smith: (??), Herr Kapitan! (??)!
- George: So, Cap, what's going on?
- Edmund: Well, there's a German spy in the hospital and it's my job to find
- him.
- George: A Ger--? Well, snakes alive! Exciting stuff, eh? Wait a minute;
- I think I might have a plan already.
- Edmund: What is it?
- George: Well, have a look through the list of patients and see if there's
- anyone here whose name begins with `von'. Well, it's almost bound
- to be your bloke!
- Edmund: I think we may find that he's using a false name, actually, George.
- George: Oh, crikey. Well, that's hardly fair, now, is it...
- Baldrick: I, too, have a cunning plan to catch the spy, sir.
- Edmund: Do you, Baldrick, do you...
- Baldrick: You go round the hostipal and ask everyone, "Are you a German spy?"
- Edmund: Yes, I must say, Baldrick, I appreciate your involvement on the
- creative side.
- Baldrick: If it was me, I'd own up.
- Edmund: Of course you would. But, sadly, the enemy have not added to the
- German Army Entrance Form the requirement "Must have intellectual
- capacity of a boiled potato." Now, Baldrick, see that man over there?
- (looks at Smith)
- Baldrick: Yeah.
- (Smith is looking at them through field glasses; he waves)
- Edmund: I want you to stick to him like a limpet, and make sure he doesn't
- leave the hospital.
- Baldrick: Yes, sir.
- (As Baldrick walks across to Smith's bed, Darling hobbles in, with
- help from a cane)
- Edmund: Hello, Darling. What are you doing here?
- Darling: Bullet in the foot.
- Edmund: Well, I can understand people at the front trying to shoot themselves
- in the foot, but when you're 35 miles behind the line...
- Darling: I did not shoot myself. The General did it.
- Edmund: Well! Finally got fed up with you, did he?
- Darling: No, it was a mistake.
- Edmund: Oh, he was aiming for your head...
- Darling: He wasn't aiming for anything.
- Edmund: Oh, so he was going for between your legs, then.
- Darling: Very funny, Blackadder. You'll be laughing on the other side of your
- face if you don't find this spy.
- Edmund: Don't you worry, Darling. I intend to start interviewing suspects
- immediately.
- (later, in another room in the hospital; Darling is tied to a chair, with a
- potty on his head)
- Darling: This is completely ridiculous, Blackadder! You can't suspect me. I've
- only just arrived.
- Edmund: The first rule of counterespionage, Darling, is to suspect everyone.
- Believe me, I shall be asking myself pretty searching questions later
- on. Now, tell me: What is the colour of the Queen of England's
- favourite hat?
- Darling: How the hell should I know?
- Edmund: I see. Well, let me ask you another question: What is the name of the
- German Head of State?
- Darling: Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously.
- Edmund: (stands) So you're on first-name terms with the Kaiser, are you?
- Darling: (shouts) Well, what did you expect me to say?
- Edmund: Darling, Darling, shh... (offers) Cigarette?
- Darling: (as Edmund puts cigarette in his mouth and begins to light it)
- Thank you.
- (pause)
- Edmund: (suddenly knocks the cigarette out of Darling's mouth) All right, you
- stinking piece of crap!
- Darling: I beg your pardon?
- Edmund: Shut your cakehole, sonny! I know you! Tell me, von Darling:
- What was it finally won you over, eh? Was it the pumpernickel, or
- was it the thought of hanging around with big men in leather shorts?
- Darling: I'll have you courtmartialed for this, Blackadder!
- Edmund: What, for obeying the general's orders? That may be what you do in
- Munich -- or should I say Muechen? -- but not here, Wernher! You're
- a filthy Hun spy, aren't you! (calls) Baldrick, the cocker spaniel,
- please!
- Darling: Agh! No! No, no, wait! No, look, I'm engaged! I was born in Croydon;
- I was educated in (???) primary school; I've got a girlfriend called
- Doris; I know the words to all three verses of God Save the King!
- Edmund: (enjoying this) Four verses...
- Darling: Four verses! Four verses! I meant four verses! Look, I'm as British
- as Queen Victoria.
- Edmund: So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German?
- Darling: (crying) No! No! Look, for God's sake, I'm not a German spy!!!
- Edmund: Good. Thanks very much. Send in the next man, would you?
- (Mary enters)
- Mary: What is all this noise about? Don't you realise this is a hospital?
- Darling: (stands, still tied to the chair) You'll regret this, Blackadder.
- You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
- Edmund: (protesting) Please, Darling -- there are ladies present.
- Darling: (?)
- (Darling waddles out. Mary takes the potty off his head as he goes. Somewhere
- down the hallway, a crash is heard accompanied by a scream from Darling.
- Mary closes the door.)
- Mary: Well, well, Captain Blackadder, this is an unexpected pleasure.
- Edmund: What?
- Mary: Nice to have you back with us. A spycatcher, eh? Huh! That silly
- kid George was right -- you are a bally hero.
- Edmund: Wait a minute. I thought you liked George.
- Mary: That's just my bedside manner. What I call my `fluffy bunny act'.
- Edmund: So you're not a drip after all.
- Mary: Oh, no. So, Mr Spycatcher, how's it going?
- Edmund: Well, not much luck so far. I think he might be as difficult to find
- as a piece of hay in a massive stack full of needles.
- Mary: So you're going to be around for quite a while, then.
- Edmund: Looks like it.
- Mary: Good, because, er, it can get pretty lonely round here, you know.
- God, it's nice to have someone healthy to talk to. (offers) Cigarette?
- Edmund: No, thank you. I only smoke cigarettes after making love. So, back in
- England, I'm a twenty-a-day man.
- Mary: (blows smoke in Edmund's face) A man should smoke. It acts as an
- expectorant and gives his voice a deep, gravely, masculine tone.
- Edmund: God, I love nurses; they're so digustingly clinical!
- Mary: Tell me, Captain Blackadder...
- Edmund: Edmund.
- Mary: Edmund. When this war is over do you think we might get to know each
- other a little better?
- Edmund: Yes, why not? When this madness is finished, perhaps we could go
- cycling together, take a trip down to the Old Swan at Henley and go
- for a walk in the woods.
- Mary: Yes, or we could just do it right now on the desk.
- Edmund: (looks at the desk) Yeah, OK.
- (in the ward; Smith hobbles in hurriedly, followed immediately by Baldrick)
- George: Ah, Baldrick. Have you seen Nurse Mary? I need someone to post this
- letter.
- Baldrick: She's in the office with the captain, sir.
- George: Ah, poor girl -- tied to her desk, day and night...
- (Edmund enters)
- George: Ah, Cap! I hear you've been seeing a lot of Nurse Mary.
- Edmund: Yes -- almost all of her, in fact.
- George: How is she, sir?
- Edmund: Unbelievable!
- George: (motions Edmund to come closer, then speaks softly) What I really want
- to know is, are you any closer to finding the spy?
- Edmund: Yes, I think I'm getting there, George. (looks across, calls)
- Everything all right, Smith?
- Smith: (Baldrick is in bed with him, reading a Punch magazine) Oh, ja,
- excellent, excellent.
- Edmund: Jolly good. (leaves)
- George: Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around,
- have you, who might be German spies?
- Smith: Nein.
- George: (bewildered) Nine?! Well, the cap's got his work cut out, then.
- (in the office, Mary and Edmund are in bed; Edmund is smoking)
- Mary: Tell me, Edmund: Do you have someone special in your life?
- Edmund: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
- Mary: Who?
- Edmund: Me.
- Mary: No, I mean someone you love, cherish and want to keep safe from all the
- horror and the hurt.
- Edmund: Erm... Still me, really.
- Mary: No, but, back home, in England, there must be someone waiting --
- some sweetheart.
- Edmund: Oh, a girl... Nah. I've always been a soldier -- married to the army.
- The book of King's Regulations is my mistress, possibly with a
- Harrod's lingerie catalogue discreetly tucked between the pages.
- Mary: And no casual girlfriends...?
- Edmund: Skirt? Hah! If only... When I joined up, we were still fighting
- colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and
- nicked his country. What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine
- fellow in an English country village? A vicar, maybe? Quiet, gentle,
- hung like a babboon...
- Mary: There was a man I cared for a little. Wonderful chap -- strong,
- athletic...
- Edmund: What happened to him?
- Mary: He bought it.
- Edmund: I'm so sorry; I didn't realise that was the arrangement. (stands,
- goes to desk) Erm, so what's it been? Twelve nights, let's say
- nine afternoons... How much is--? Oh, and a couple of mornings...
- Mary: I mean he died.
- Edmund: (apologising only for his actions -- not the death) Oh, I'm sorry.
- Mary: He was test-driving one of those new tank contraptions, and the bloody
- thing blew up. What a waste. God, I hope they've scrapped the lot.
- Edmund: Huh, fat chance! They're going to use forty of them next week at, oh,
- sorry, I mustn't talk about that; you never know who might be
- listening. (There is a black dot, possibly a hole, in the wall behind
- him -- possibly the location of a microphone, or maybe it's just a
- problem with the set.)
- Mary: No, of course. Oh God, I miss him so much. He was such a wonderful chap.
- Edmund: Clever, too, I expect.
- Mary: Oh, brilliant.
- Edmund: Went to one of the great universities, I suppose: Oxford; Cambridge;
- Hull...
- Mary: Mmm... But why are we making small talk when we could be making big
- love?
- Edmund: Good point. This could be our last chance; my three weeks are up.
- I'm going back to staff HQ tomorrow. Look, why don't you come with me?
- It could be fun. We could have supper or something.
- Mary: How about something first, then supper?
- Edmund: Good idea!
- (in Melchett's office; Melchett enters to meet the waiting Edmund and Mary)
- Melchett: Ah, hello, Blackadder...
- Edmund: Good morning, sir. Er, may I introduce Nurse Fletcher-Brown. She's
- been very supportive during my work at the hospital.
- Melchett: How do you do, young lady? (chuckles) Do sit down. (he moans in pain
- as he sits) So, any news of the spy, Blackadder?
- Edmund: Yes, sir.
- Melchett: Excellent! The Germans seem to know every move we make! I had a
- letter from Jerry yesterday. It said, "Isn't it about time you
- changed your shirts, Walrus-face?" So, do you have any ideas who
- it might be, young lady?
- Mary: Well, sir, I'm only a humble nurse, but I did at one point think it
- might be Captain Darling.
- Melchett: Well, bugger me with a fishfork! Old Darling, a Jerry morsetapper?
- What on Earth made you suspect him?
- Mary: Well, he pooh-poohed the captain here and said that he'd never find
- the spy.
- Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
- Edmund: Well, perhaps a little.
- Melchett: Well then, damn it all, how much more evidence do you need? The
- pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
- Edmund: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
- Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've
- learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh.
- I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the
- pooh-pooh -- he pooh-poohed it. Fatal error, because it turned out
- all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing
- a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the
- end, we had to disband the regiment -- morale totally destroyed ...
- by pooh-pooh!
- (Mary has begun reading an Ideas magazine. During the next line,
- she looks around nervously and puts the paper down, sitting on it)
- Edmund: Yes, I think we might be drifting slightly from the point here, sir,
- which is that, unfortuantely, and to my lasting regret, Captain
- Darling is not the spy.
- Melchett: Oh? And then who the hell is?
- Mary: Well, sir, there is a man in the hospital with a pronounced limp and
- a very strong German accent. It must be him. It's obvious.
- Edmund: Obvious, but wrong. It's not him.
- Melchett: And why not?
- Edmund: Because, sir, not even the Germans would be stupid enough to field a
- spy with a strong German accent.
- Mary: Well then, who is it?
- Edmund: Well, it's perfectly simple. It's you.
- Mary: (gasps; stands) Edmund!
- Edmund: (calls as he stands) Baldrick!
- (Baldrick enters, pointing a rifle at Mary)
- Melchett: (stands) Explain yourself, Blackadder, before I have you shot for
- being rude to a lady!
- Edmund: Well, sir, the first seeds of suspicion were sown when Lieutenant
- George unwittingly revealed that she spoke German. Do you deny, Nurse
- Fletcher-Brown -- or should I say Nurse Fleischer-Baum? -- that you
- helped Lieutenant George with the German words in his letters?
- Mary: No, I did, but--
- Edmund: My suspicions were confirmed when she probed me expertly about tank
- movements.
- Murse: Oh, Edmund, how could you? After all we've been through.
- Edmund: And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned
- a clever boyfriend...
- Mary: Yes.
- Edmund: I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been
- to one of the great universities: Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull...
- Mary: Well?
- Edmund: You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities.
- Mary: You swine!
- Melchett: That's right -- Oxford's a complete dump!
- Edmund: Well, quite. No true Englishwoman could have fallen into that trap.
- Mary: Oh, Edmund, I thought there was something beautiful between us.
- I thought you ... loved me.
- Edmund: Nah... Take her away, Baldrick.
- Baldrick: (?? [mispronouncing something in German, perhaps])
- (Baldrick takes Mary out)
- Melchett: Well, good work, Blackadder. Now I've got to assemble a firing
- squad. (while Edmund warms himself by the fire, goes to his desk,
- sits and picks up the telephone)
- (Smith, in uniform, hobbles in. Darling runs up from behind)
- Darling: Watch out, sir! (jumps on Smith, taking his revolver)
- Melchett: Darling, what on Earth do you think you're doing?
- Darling: I'll tell you exactly what I am doing, sir. I'm doing what Blackadder
- should have done three weeks ago, sir.
- Melchett: What?
- Darling: This is the guilty man!
- Melchett: Darling, you're hysterical.
- Darling: No, sir! No, I'm not, sir! I'll ask him outright: Are you a spy?
- Smith: Yes, I am a spy!
- Darling: You see, sir??
- Melchett: Well, of course he's a spy, Darling -- a British spy! This is
- Brigadier Sir Bernard Proudfoot-Smith (Smith stands up straight,
- showing that he in fact doesn't limp at all), the finest spy in
- the British army!
- Darling: b-But he can't be, sir; he, he doesn't even sound British.
- Smith: (still sounding as German as ever) Unfortunately, I have been working
- under cover in Germany for so long that I have picked up a teensy-
- weensy bit of an accent.
- Melchett: This, Darling, is the man who told us that there was a German spy in
- the hospital in the first place.
- Darling: Ah.
- Melchett: Right. Well, that's that, then. Blackadder...
- Edmund: Yes, sir?
- Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
- Edmund: Thank you, sir.
- Melchett: Darling...
- Darling: Yes, sir?
- Melchett: You are a complete arse.
- Darling: Thank you, sir.
- Melchett: Right, Bernard, let's go watch the firing squad. (starts out)
- Smith: (??), von General! (takes his revolver from Darling; leaves)
- (George rushes in)
- George: Sir, what the devil is going on? I've just seen Nurse Mary being led
- away to a firing squad!
- Edmund: Nurse Mary is the spy, George.
- George: What? Y-- Impossible!
- Edmund: Afraid so.
- George: Well, cover me with eggs and flour and bake me for fourteen minutes.
- Who'd have thought it, eh? Nurse Mary, a Boche nosepokerinner...
- Ker! Oh well, lots of exciting stuff to put into my next letter to my
- Uncle Hermann in Munich...
- Edmund: Sorry?
- George: Those letters I've been writing in the hospital, to my German uncle.
- Darling: New information, Blackadder...?
- Edmund: George...
- George: Oh, yes, well, I know there's a war on, but family is family, and
- old Uncle Hermie does so love to be kept abreast of what's going on.
- I even wrote and told him about old walrus-face Melchett and his
- smelly old shirts!
- Darling: Would you like me to tell this one to the general, Blackadder, or
- would you enjoy that very special moment?
- (They race out, leaving George bewildered behind)
- ---
- Episode 6 - Goodbyeee
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
- (in the trench, it's raining)
- George: Care for a smoke, sir?
- Edmund: No, thank you, I'm... (he lights his own pipe)
- George: Private?
- Baldrick: (taking cigarette from George) Oh, thank you, sir.
- (begins to eat the cigarette)
- George: Oh, dash and blast all this hanging about, sir! I'm as bored as
- a pacifist pistol. When are we going to see some action?
- Edmund: Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain
- death is nearly at an end. Surely you must have noticed something
- in the air...
- George: Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
- Edmund: Unless I'm very much mistaken, soon we will at last be making the
- final Big Push -- that one we've been so looking forward to all
- these years.
- George: Well, hurrah with highly polished brass knobs on! About time!
- (phone rings within Baldrick's backpack, Edmund answers it)
- Edmund: Hello; the Somme Public Baths -- no running, shouting, or piddling in
- the shallow end. Ah, Captain Darling. Tomorrow at dawn. Oh, excellent.
- See you later, then. Bye. (hangs up) Gentlemen, our long wait is
- nearly at an end. Tomorrow morning, General Insanity Melchett invites
- you to a mass slaughter. We're going over the top.
- George: Well, huzzah and hurrah! God Save the King, Rule Britannia,
- and Boo Sucks the Hairy Hun!
- Edmund: Or, to put it more precisely: you're going over the top; I'm getting
- out of here. (goes inside dugout)
- George: (follows Edmund in) Oh, now, come on, Cap! It may be a bit risky
- (tries to speak in a rousing Cockney dialect, but fails miserably),
- but it sure is bloomin'ell worth it, gov'nor!
- Edmund: How could it possibly be worth it? We've been sitting here since
- Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died, and we've
- advanced no further than an asthsmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
- George: Well, but this time I'm absolutely pos we'll break through! It's
- ice cream in Berlin in 15 days.
- Edmund: Or ice cold in No Man's Land in 15 seconds. No, the time has come
- to get out of this madness once and for all.
- George: What madness is that?
- Edmund: For God's sake, George, how long have you been in the army?
- George: Oh me? I joined up straight away, sir. August the 4th, 1914. Gah, what
- a day that was: myself and the rest of the fellows leapfrogging down
- to the Cambridge recruiting office and then playing tiddlywinks in the
- queue. We had hammered Oxford's tiddlywinkers only the week before,
- and there we were, off to hammer the Boche! Crashingly superb bunch of
- blokes. Fine, clean-limbed -- even their acne had a strange nobility
- about it.
- Edmund: Yes, and how are all the boys now?
- George: Well, er, Jacko and the Badger bought it at the first Ypres front,
- unfortunately -- quite a shock, that. I remember Bumfluff's house-
- master wrote and told me that Sticky had been out for a duck, and the
- Gubber had snitched a parcel sausage-end and gone goose-over-stump
- frogside.
- Edmund: Meaning...?
- George: I don't know, sir, but I read in the Times that they'd both been
- killed.
- Edmund: And Bumfluff himself...?
- George: Copped a packet at Galipoli with the Aussies -- so had Drippy and
- Strangely Brown. I remember we heard on the first morning of the
- Somme when Titch and Mr Floppy got gassed back to Blighty.
- Edmund: Which leaves...?
- George: Gosh, yes, I, I suppose I'm the only one of the Trinity Tiddlers
- still alive. (Lummy?), there's a thought -- and not a jolly one.
- Edmund: My point exactly, George.
- George: A chap might get a bit (mizz?) -- if it wasn't the thought of going
- over the top tomorrow! Right, sir: Permission to get weaving...
- Edmund: Permission granted.
- George: Thank you, sir.
- Edmund: Baldrick!
- Baldrick: (entering) Captain B!
- Edmund: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment,
- it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall,
- carpetting throughout, 24-hour portrage, and an enormous sign on
- the roof, saying `This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires
- a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.
- (Later, Edmund wears underpants on his head with two pencils up his nose)
- Edmund: Right, Baldrick, this is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan. We
- tell HQ that I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back to Blighty
- before you can say "Wooble" -- a poor gormless idiot.
- Baldrick: But I'm a poor gormless idiot, sir, and I've never been invalided
- back to Blighty.
- Edmund: Yes, Baldrick, but you've never said "Wooble." Now, ask me some simple
- questions.
- Baldrick: Right. What is your name?
- Edmund: Wooble...
- Baldrick: What is two plus two?
- Edmund: Oh, wooble wooble.
- Baldrick: Where do you live?
- Edmund: London.
- Baldrick: Eh?
- Edmund: A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city, Wooble.
- George: (enters) All the men present and correct, sir. Ready for the off, eh?
- Edmund: I'm afraid not, Lieutenant; I'm just off to Hartleypool to buy some
- exploding trousers.
- George: Come again, sir -- have you gone barking mad?
- Edmund: Yes, George, I have. Cluck, cluck, gibber, gibber, my old man's
- a mushroom, et cetera. Go send a runner to tell General Melchett that
- your captain has gone insane and must return to England at once.
- George: But, sir, how utterly ghastly for you! I mean, well, you'll miss the
- whole rest of the war!
- Edmund: Yes, very bad luck. Beep!
- George: Right.
- Edmund: Beep!
- George: Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Edmund: Pah-pah!
- George: Whatever you do, don't excite him. (leaves)
- Edmund: (removing the pencils, looks at Baldrick) Fat chance! Now, all we
- have to do is wait. Baldrick, fix us some coffee, will you? And try
- to make it taste slightly less like mud this time.
- Baldrick: Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain.
- Edmund: Why is this?
- Baldrick: 'cause it is mud. We ran out of coffee thirteen months ago.
- Edmund: So every time I've drunk your coffee since, I have in fact been
- drinking hot mud...
- Baldrick: With sugar.
- Edmund: Which of course makes all the difference.
- Baldrick: Well, it would do if we had any sugar, but, unfortunately, we ran
- out New Year's Eve 1915, since when I've been using sugar substitute.
- Edmund: Which is...?
- Baldrick: Dandruff.
- Edmund: Brilliant.
- Baldrick: Still, I could add some milk this time -- well, saliva...
- Edmund: No, no, thank you, Baldrick. Call me Mr Picky, but I think I'll
- cancel the coffee.
- Baldrick: That's probably 'cause you're mad, sir!
- Edmund: Well, quite!
- George: (re-enters; Edmund quickly replaces the pencils) Well, it didn't go
- down well at all, I'm afraid, sir. Captain Darling said they'd be
- along directly, but, well, you'd better be damn doolally.
- Edmund: Don't worry, George; I am (makes weird noises while moving his right
- arm strangely). When they get here, I'll show them what `totally and
- utterly bonkeroonie' means. Fwaf! Until then, we've got bugger-all to
- do except sit and wait.
- George: Well, I don't know, sir -- we could, er, we could have a jolly game
- of charades!
- Baldrick: Ooh, yes!
- George: And a singalong of musical hits like "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops,
- Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My Artichokes."
- Edmund: Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.
- (later, the three are sitting around doing bugger-all)
- Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...
- Edmund: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where
- babies come from.
- Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on,
- right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must
- have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right?
- and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is:
- How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of
- affairs?
- Edmund: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
- Baldrick: Yeah.
- George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-
- building.
- Edmund: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe,
- while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in
- Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame
- on the imperialistic front.
- George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. (aside, to Baldick) Mad as a bicycle!
- Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an
- ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
- Edmund: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got
- shot.
- Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
- Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it
- was too much effort *not* to have a war.
- George: By (Gum? [it's not `God']) this is interesting; I always loved
- history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives,
- all that.
- Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs
- developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the
- Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two
- vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way
- there could never be a war.
- Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
- Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
- George: What was that, sir?
- Edmund: It was bollocks.
- Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
- Darling: (from outside) 'tention!
- George: (he and Baldrick stand) Right, they're here. Erm, Baldrick, you keep
- him warm; I'll go prepare the ground. (leaves)
- (outside, George salutes Melchett and Darling)
- George: Sir.
- Melchett: George! How's the patient?
- George: Well, it's touch and go, I'm afraid, sir. I really can't vouch for his
- behaviour. He's gone mad, you see -- stir-frying crazy.
- Melchett: I see. Is this genuinely mad?
- George: Oh, yes, sir.
- Melchett: ...or has he simply put his underpants on his head and stuffed a
- couple of pencils up his nose? That's what they all used to do in
- the Sudan. I remember I once had to shoot a whole platoon for
- trying that. Well, let's have a look at him. (goes in, followed
- by the others)
- Darling: 'tention!!!
- Edmund: (stands, talks to Baldrick) ...and the other thing they used to do in
- the Sudan is to get dressed up like this and pretend to be mad. But
- don't let me catch you trying that one, Baldrick, or I'll have you
- shot, all right? Dismissed. (turns to Melchett, removes the pencils)
- Oh, hello, sir -- didn't hear you come in.
- Melchett: Well now, Blackadder, they tell me you've gone mad.
- Edmund: No, sir (removes the underpants), no -- must be a breakdown of
- communication. Someone obviously heard I was mad with excitement,
- waiting for the off.
- Melchett: There you are, you see, Darling? I told you there'd be a perfectly
- rational explanation. Right, George, have your chaps fall in.
- George: Very good, sir. (salutes, leaves)
- Darling: Well, it's rather odd, sir. The message was very clear: "Captain
- Blackadder gone totally tonto. Bring straightjacket for immediate
- return to Blighty." (holds up straightjacket)
- Melchett: Don't be ridiculous, Darling. The Hero of Mboto Gorge, mad? Well,
- you've only got to look at him to see he's as sane as I am! Beeaaah!
- (leaves)
- Darling: Would that the Mboto Gorge where we massacred the peace-loving
- pygmies of the Upper Volta and stole all their fruit?
- Edmund: No -- a totally different Mboto Gorge.
- Darling: Oh.
- Edmund: Cup of coffee, Darling?
- Darling: Oh, thank you.
- Edmund: Baldrick, do the honours.
- Baldrick: (comes from kitchen) Sir. (to Darling) Sugar, sir?
- Darling: Three lumps.
- Edmund: Think you can manage three *lumps*, Baldrick?
- Baldrick: I'll rummage around, see what I can find, sir. (turns back to
- kitchen)
- Darling: Make it a milky one.
- Baldrick: Coming up, sir.
- (outside; while Melchett and George speak, Baldrick can be heard
- hawking up a great deal of `milk')
- Melchett: Well, George, you must have been delighted to hear the news of the
- Big Push.
- George: Absolutely, sir -- our chance to show the Hun that it takes more than
- a pointy hat and bad breath to defeat the armies of King George!
- Melchett: That's the spirit!
- (inside, Baldrick spits, then returns with the mug)
- Baldrick: Here you are, sir.
- Darling: (looks in the mug) Ah, cappucino! Have you got any of that brown
- stuff you sprinkle on the top?
- Baldrick: Well, I'm sure I could m--
- Edmund: No, no!
- Darling: (as Melchett and George return) 'tention!
- Melchett: Well, fine body of men you've got out there, Blackadder.
- Edmund: Yes, sir -- shortly to become fine bodies of men.
- Melchett: Nonsense -- you'll pull through. (laughs) I remember when we played
- the old Harrovians back in '96: they said we never could break
- through to their back line, but we ducked and we bobbed and we wove
- and we damn well won the game, 15-4.
- Edmund: Yes, sir, but the Harrow fullback wasn't armed with a heavy machine
- gun.
- Melchett: No -- that's a good point. Make a note, Darling...
- Darling: Sir.
- Melchett: "Recommendation for the Harrow Governors: Heavy machine guns for
- fullbacks." Bright idea, Blackadder. (speaks to Baldrick) Now then,
- soldier, are you looking forward to giving those Frenchies a damn
- good licking?
- Darling: Er, no, sir -- it's the Germans we shall be licking, sir.
- Melchett: Don't be revolting, Darling! I wouldn't lick a German if he was
- glazed in honey!
- Darling: Sorry.
- Melchett: (back to Baldrick) Now then, soldier, do you love your country?
- Baldrick: Certainly do, sir.
- Melchett: And do you love your king?
- Baldrick: Certainly don't, sir.
- Melchett: And why not?
- Baldrick: My mother told me never to trust men with beards, sir.
- Melchett: (laughs) Excellent native Cockney wit! (hits Baldrick in the face;
- Baldrick falls over) Well, best of luck to you all. Sorry I can't be
- with you, but obviously there's no place at the front for an old
- general with a dicky heart and a wooden bladder. By the way, George,
- if you want to accompany me back to HQ and watch the results as they
- come in, I think I can guarantee a place in the car.
- George: Oh, no, thank you, sir -- I wouldn't miss this show for anything. I am
- as excited as a very excited person who's got a special reason to be
- excited, sir.
- Melchett: Excellent! Well, (chuf chuf?) then. See you all in Berlin for coffee
- and cakes.
- Goerge: Sir. (salutes)
- (As Melchett begins to walk out, Darling drinks then spits out
- the `coffee'.)
- Melchett: What is the matter with you today, Darling? I'm so sorry,
- Blackadder. Come on, Darling, we're leaving. (he and Darling leave)
- George: Righto, sir, I'm glad you're not barking anymore.
- Edmund: Well, thank you, George -- although quite clearly you are. You were
- offered a way out, and you didn't take it.
- George: Absolutely not, sir! I can't wait to get stuck into the Boche!
- Edmund: You won't have time to get `stuck into the Boche'! We'll all be cut
- to pieces by machine gun fire before we can say "charge."
- George: All right, so, what do we do now?
- Baldrick: Can I do my war poem?
- Edmund: How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer, which is "No, I'd
- rather French-kiss a skunk"?
- Baldrick: So would I, sir!
- Edmund: All right. Fire away, Baldrick.
- Baldrick: "Hear the words I sing / War's a horrid thing / So I sing sing
- sing / ding-a-ling-a-ling."
- George: (applauding) Oh, bravo, yes!
- Edmund: Yes. Well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle,
- and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that,
- excellent.
- Baldrick: Oh, shall I do another one, then, sir?
- Edmund: No -- we wouldn't want to exhaust you.
- Baldrick: No, don't worry; I could go on all night.
- Edmund: Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't!
- Baldrick: This one is called "The German Guns."
- George: Oh, spiffing! Yes, let's hear that!
- Baldrick: "Boom boom boom boom / Boom boom boom / BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM--
- Edmund: "BOOM BOOM BOOM"?
- Baldrick: How did you guess, sir?
- George: I say, sir! That is spooky!
- Edmund: I'm sorry, I think I've got to get out of here!!!
- Baldrick: Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
- Edmund: All right, Baldrick -- for old time's sake.
- Baldrick: Well, you phone Field Marshal Haig, sir, and you ask him to get
- you out of here.
- Edmund: (stands) Baldrick, even by your standards it's pathetic! I've only
- ever met Field Marshal Haig once, it was twenty years ago, and, my
- god, you've got it, you've got it! (he kisses Baldrick's hat)
- Baldrick: Well, if I've got it, you've got it too, now, sir.
- Edmund: I can't believe I've been so stupid! One phone call will do it -- one
- phone call and I'll be free. Let's see, it's 3.30 a.m.; I'll call
- about quarter to six. Excellent, excellent. Well, I'll get packing.
- George: You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
- Baldrick: Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.
- George: Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down
- and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.
- Edmund: What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your
- gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?
- George: You know, that's the thing I don't really understand about you, Cap.
- You're a professional soldier, and yet, sometimes you sound as though
- you bally well haven't enjoyed soldiering at all.
- Edmund: Well, you see, George, I did like it, back in the old days when the
- prerequisite of a British campaign was that the enemy should under
- no circumstances carry guns -- even spears made us think twice. The
- kind of people we liked to fight were two feet tall and armed with
- dry grass.
- George: Now, come off it, sir -- what about Mboto Gorge, for heaven's sake?
- Edmund: Yes, that was a bit of a nasty one -- ten thousand Watusi warriors
- armed to the teeth with kiwi fruit and guava halves. After the battle,
- instead of taking prisoners, we simply made a huge fruit salad. No,
- when I joined up, I never imagined anything as awful as this war.
- I'd had fifteen years of military experience, perfecting the art of
- ordering a pink gin and saying "Do you do it doggy-doggy?" in
- Swahili, and then suddenly four-and-a-half million heavily armed
- Germans hoved into view. That was a shock, I can tell you.
- Baldrick: (polishing boots with a dead rat) I thought it was going to be such
- fun, too -- we all did -- joining the local regiment and everything:
- The Turnip Street Workhouse Powers. It was great. I'll never forget
- it. It was the first time I ever felt really popular. Everyone was
- cheering, throwing flowers. Some girl even come up and kissed me.
- Edmund: Poor woman -- first casualty of the war.
- Baldrick: I loved the training; all we had to do was bayonet sacks full of
- straw. Even I could do that. I rememeber saying to my mum, "These
- sacks will be easy to outwit in a battle situation." And then,
- shortly after, we all met up, didn't we? just before Christmas,
- 1914.
- George: Yes, that's right. I'd just arrived and we had that wonderful
- Christmas truce. Do you remember, sir? We could hear "Silent Night"
- drifting across the still, clear air of No Man's Land. And then they
- came, the Germans, emerging out of the freezing night mist, calling
- to us, and we clambered up over the top and went to meet them.
- Edmund: Both sides advanced more during one Christmas piss-up than they
- managed in the next two-and-a-half years of war.
- Baldrick: Do you remember the football match?
- Edmund: Remember it? How could I forget it? I was never offside! I could not
- believe that decision!
- Baldrick: And since then we've been stuck here for three flipping years! We
- haven't moved! All my friends are dead: My pet spider, Sammy; Katie
- the worm; Bertie the bird -- everyone except Neville the fat
- hamster.
- Edmund: (having just finished his packing; sits) I'm afraid Neville bought
- it too, Baldrick. I'm sorry.
- Baldrick: Neville, gone, sir?
- Edmund: Actually, not quite gone -- he's in the corner, bunging up the sink.
- Baldrick: (stands) Oh no, it didn't have to happen, sir! If it wasn't for this
- terrible war, Neville would still be here today, sniffling his
- little nose and going "Eek."
- Edmund: On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able to
- insert a curtain rod in his bottom and use him as a dishmop.
- Baldrick: Why can't we just stop, sir? Why can't we just say, "No more killing;
- let's all go home"? Why would it be stupid just to pack it in, sir,
- why?
- George: Now, now, now, look here, you just stop that (conchy?) talk right now,
- Private. It's, it's absurd, it's Bolshevism, and it wouldn't work,
- anyway.
- Baldrick: Why not, sir?
- George: "Why not?" Well, what do you mean? "Why wouldn't it work?" It--
- It wouldn't work, Private-- It wouldn't work because, there, well,
- now, you just get on with polishing those boots, all right? and let's
- have a little bit less of that lip! (to Edmund) I think I managed to
- crush the mutiny there, sir. Well, to think, sir: in just a few hours,
- we'll be off. Of course, not that I wouldn't miss all this, sir.
- I mean, we've had some good times; we've had damnably good laughs, eh?
- Edmund: Yes -- can't think of any specific ones, myself, but...
- (Melchett's office. Darling is asleep at the desk. Melchett comes in with
- a candle. He is wearing a robe, and a hairnet for his moustache.)
- Melchett: Darling.
- Darling: (with a start, stands) Sir!
- Melchett: Oh, sit sit sit sit... Can't sleep either, eh?
- Darling: Er, no, sir -- thinking about the Push, sir, hoping the Boche will
- forget to set their alarm clocks, oversleep, and still be in their
- pyjamas when our boys turn up, sir.
- Melchett: Yes, yes. I've been thinking, too, Darling.
- Darling: Sir?
- Melchett: You know, over these last few years, I've come to think of you as
- a sort of son. Not a favourite son, of course -- lord, no! -- more
- a sort of illegitimate backstairs sort of sprog, you know: a sort
- of spotty squit that nobody really likes. But, nonetheless, still
- fruit of my overactive loins.
- Darling: Thank you, sir.
- Melchett: And I want to do what's best for you, Darling, so I've given it
- a great deal of thought, and I want you to have this. (picks up
- a piece of paper from the desk and hands it to Darling)
- Darling: A postal order for ten shillings...
- Melchett: No, sorry -- that's my godson's wedding present. (picks up another
- piece of paper) Here.
- Darling: Er, no, sir -- this is the commission for the front line, sir.
- (holds it out, to give it back)
- Melchett: Yes. I've been awfully selfish, Darling, keeping you back here
- instead of letting you join in the fun and games. This will let
- you get to the front line immediately!
- Darling: But, but, sir, I, I don't want to.
- Melchett: ...to leave me? Heh, I appreciate that, Darling, but, damn it, I'll
- just have to enter Berlin without someone to carry my feathery hat.
- Darling: (stands) No, sir, I don't want to go into battle.
- Melchett: ...without me. I know. But I'm too old, Darling. I'm just going to
- have to sit this one out on the touchline with the halftime oranges
- and the fat, wheezy boys with a note from matron, while you young-
- bloods link arms and go together for the glorious final scrumdown.
- Darling: No, sir... (walks around the desk to Melchett) You're, you're not
- listening, sir. I'm begging you, please -- for the sake of all the
- times I've helped you with your dicky bows and dicky bladder --
- please (falls to his knees), don't make me--
- Melchett: ...make you go through the farewell debagging ceremony in the mess.
- Heh! No, I've spared you that, too, you touchingly sentimental young
- booby! Look: no fuss, no bother -- the driver is already here.
- Darling: (turns, still on his knees, as the door opens; a shadow of the
- driver is cast from the bright light in the next room [extra bright
- for dramatic effect]; the driver salutes) But--
- Melchett: No, no -- not a word, Kevin. I know what you want to say. I know.
- (Darling stands slowly) Goodbye, Kevin Darling. (salutes)
- Darling: (frightened, salutes) Goodbye, sir.
- (dawn, in the dugout)
- Baldrick: (enters) It's stopped raining at last, sir, begging your pardon --
- looks like we might have a nice day for it.
- George: Yes, it's nearly morning...
- Edmund: (peeks outside) Good lord -- so it is. Right, time to make my call.
- (winds the telephone) Hello? Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig, please.
- Yes, it's urgent...
- (Haig picks up and is looking over a model of the battlefield.)
- Haig: Haig.
- Edmund: Hello, Sir Douglas.
- Haig: Who is this?
- Edmund: Captain Blackadder, sir, erstwhile of the 1945th East African rifles.
- Haig: Good lord! Blacky! (knocks down an entire line of model soldiers)
- Edmund: Yes, sir.
- Haig: I haven't seen you since... (knocks down the second line of model
- soldiers on the same side)
- Edmund: '92, sir -- Mboto Gorge.
- Haig: By jingo, yes. We sure gave those pygmies a good squashing.
- Edmund: We certainly did, sir. And do you remember...?
- Haig: My god, yes. You saved my damn life that day, Blacky. If it weren't for
- you, that pygmy woman with the sharpened mango could have seriously...
- Edmund: Well, exactly, sir. And do you remember then that you said that if
- I was ever in real trouble and I really needed a favour that I was
- to call you and you'd do everything you could to help me?
- Haig: (sweeps the fallen soldier models into a dustpan) Yes, yes, I do, and
- I stick by it. You know me -- not a man to change my mind.
- Edmund: No -- we've noticed that.
- Haig: So what do you want? Spit it out, man. (hurls the dead platoon over
- his shoulder)
- Edmund: Well, you see, sir, it's the Big Push today, and I'm not all that
- keen to go over the top.
- Haig: (sits) Oh, I see. Well...
- Edmund: It was a viciously sharp slice of mango, wasn't it, sir...
- Haig: (fiddles with one of the soldiers) Well, this is most irregular, but,
- erm, all right. If I do fix it for you, I never want to hear from you
- again, is that clear?
- Edmund: Suits me, Douggy.
- Haig: Very well. Listen carefully, Blackadder; I won't repeat this. Put your
- underpants on your head and stick two pencils up your nose. They'll
- think you're crazy and send you home. Right, favour returned. (hangs up)
- Edmund: (hanging up his end) I think the phrase rhymes with `clucking bell'.
- Baldrick: Does that mean you'll going over the top, now, sir?
- (phone rings, Edmund quickly picks it up)
- Edmund: Field Marshal?
- Melchett: (on the other end, laughs) Well, not quite, Blackadder -- at least
- not yet. No, I just wanted to let you know I've sent a little
- surprise over for you.
- (Darling enters, wearing helmet)
- George: Sir! (salutes)
- Edmund: (hangs up the phone, turns) Captain Darling...
- Darling: Captain Blackadder.
- Edmund: Here to join us for the last waltz?
- Darling: (nervous) Erm, yes -- tired of folding the general's pyjamas.
- George: Well, this is splendid, comradely news! Together, we'll fight for king
- and country, and be sucking sausages in Berlin by teatime.
- Edmund: Yes, I hope their cafes are well stocked; everyone seems determined
- to eat out the moment they arrive.
- George: No, really, this is brave, splendid and noble! Sir?
- Edmund: Yes, Lieutenant?
- George: I'm scared, sir.
- Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir.
- George: I mean, I'm the last of the tiddlywinking leapfroggers from the Golden
- Summer of 1914. I don't want to die. I'm really not overkeen on dying
- at all, sir.
- Edmund: How are you feeling, Darling?
- Darling: Erm, not all that good, Blackadder -- rather hoped I'd get through the
- whole show; go back to work at Pratt & Sons; keep wicket for the
- Croydon gentlemen; marry Doris... Made a note in my diary on my way
- here. Simply says, "Bugger."
- Edmund: Well, quite.
- (a voice outside gives orders)
- Voice: (??)! (??)!
- Edmund: Ah well, come on. Let's move.
- Voice: Fix bayonets!
- (They start to go outside)
- Edmund: Don't forget your stick, Lieutenant.
- George: Oh no, sir -- wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this!
- (outside, they all line up as the shelling stops)
- Darling: Listen! Our guns have stopped.
- George: You don't think...?
- Baldrick: Maybe the war's over. Maybe it's peace!
- George: Well, hurrah! The big knobs have gone round the table and yanked the
- iron out of the fire!
- Darling: Thank God! We lived through it! The Great War: 1914-1917.
- George: Hip hip!
- All but Edmund: Hurray!
- Edmund: (loading his revolver) I'm afraid not. The guns have stopped because
- we're about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell
- their own men. They think it's far more sporting to let the Germans
- do it.
- George: So we are, in fact, going over. This is, as they say, it.
- Edmund: I'm afraid so, unless I think of something very quickly.
- Voice: Company, one pace forward!
- (everyone steps forward)
- Baldrick: Ooh, there's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir! A bloke could
- hurt himself on that.
- Voice: Stand ready!
- (everyone puts a foot forward)
- Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
- Edmund: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
- Baldrick: Yes, sir.
- Edmund: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning
- at Oxford University?
- Baldrick: Yes, sir.
- Voice: On the signal, company will advance!
- Edmund: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was
- better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad.
- I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
- (whistle blows)
- Edmund: Good luck, everyone. (blows his whistle)
- (Everyone yells as they go over the top. German guns fire before
- they're even off the ladders. The scene changes to slow motion,
- and explosions happen all around them. [An echoed piano slowly plays
- the Blackadder theme.] The smoke and flying earth begins to obscure
- vision as the view changes to the battlefield moments later: empty
- and silent with barbed wire, guns and bodies strewn across it. [A
- bass drum beats slowly.] That view in turn changes to the same field
- as it is today: overgrown with grasses and flowers, peaceful, with
- chirping birds.)
- B L A C K A D D E R
- (C) BBC tv MCMLXXXIX
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