oh no

ah shit, i probably implicated that you were being opportunistic & obligatory, huh

it was never my intention to claim that anyone's sense of mourning wasn't genuine. like i said, i don't doubt that it was important to the people who participated in that thread, to get out everyone's feelings and mourn and just sort through the sad brain fungus. i get it. that's important.

and my entire thing was poorly worded imo, especially that part where i was like "yeah this feels opportunistic to me." i never meant to say that it WAS, and on a logical level, i know that it WASN'T

but that's how i felt, and that's how i feel. it's a wrong feeling, as evidenced by you literally saying that you were being genuine, but it's a feeling that i cannot deny i have and will continue to have until i don't (i'll probably be older when that happens)

of course we care about a person In Our Community being dead. my whole intention with that thread, i think i realize now, is that as far-reaching and whole and painful as the reality of angryskitty's death is, i still feel extremely detached from it and a lot of the mourning fanfare feels a lot like going through the motions for me.

and it really sucks, because i don't want to feel that! i want to feel genuine about my sadness, about the fact that a person--a good person with a lot of impact in her community--is tangibly and irrevocably gone. but i don't. and i don't know if i should be feeling that, or if it's moral for me to feel that.

i'm coming from as real a place as you are, even if a lot of my feelings might be misguided, misinformed, or plain wrong. again, logically i know a lot of what i said is bull, but in my heart i can't deny that i stupidly think it's true anyways. and it's a bit frustrating. i want to do the normal thing, and i think the normal thing is to mourn her death. but i can't get myself to, and in some ways i think i was trying to justify that inability.

i know what i said was hurtful, and Yeah it was wrong. if i could phrase it any better, any kinder, any fairer, i would. i'm sorry. your mourning isn't cheapened or invalidated by the callus feelings of a kid already used to death in the kid's close family, and it was never my intent to make you feel that way, or even insinuate that my opinion had any merit.

to repeat what i said, angryskitty is gone, and everything has changed, and everything is worse. but to me, while angryskitty is gone, everything is the same, and everything is fine. and it's a weird in-between of trying to come to terms with my own feelings while trying not to invalidate the feelings of others. (something i inevitably failed to do, LOL)