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- INDOXXI
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- [presenter]
- She spent 20 years studying courage,
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- 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,970
- vulnerability, shame, and empathy,
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- 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,015
- wrote five New York Times
- number one best sellers,
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- 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,352
- and her TED Talk is one
- of the most watched in the world.
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- 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,687
- Please welcome Brené Brown.
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- 00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:22,773
- [audience cheering and applauding]
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- [Brené] Hey!
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- 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:35,786
- Hi!
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- 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:40,457
- Hi!
- 10
- 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,544
- Oh, my God. Hi!
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- 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,014
- Hi, everybody.
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- 00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,016
- Whoo!
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- 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,978
- -Hi!
- -[audience] Hi!
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- 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,813
- How-- How's it going?
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- 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,147
- [audience cheers]
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- It was so funny.
- I'm backstage. They're like,
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- 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,319
- "Can we take your purse?" I'm like, "No."
- 18
- 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,281
- -[audience laughs]
- -It's, like, totally a Texas thing
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- 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,992
- where I always have to have my purse
- and an exit plan.
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- 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:19,788
- Uh, like, I'm not sure until I walk
- out here that I'm actually going to do it.
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- 00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:20,831
- [audience laughs]
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- 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,874
- Uh, but I am so happy
- to be with y'all tonight.
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- 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,793
- And I have to say, honestly,
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- 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:29,381
- the older I get, the more I realize
- that time is the big, precious,
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- unrenewable resource.
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- 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,218
- Um, yes or no?
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- 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:34,803
- -[audience applauds]
- -Yeah.
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- 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,433
- So, thank you
- for spending it with me tonight.
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- 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,018
- I really appreciate it.
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- 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,811
- I think we're gonna have some fun,
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- 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:45,689
- talk about some hard stuff,
- laugh a little bit,
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- 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,150
- and hopefully learn something
- from each other.
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- 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,319
- I'm always laughing
- when I'm listening to the bio.
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- That, you know, "She studies shame,
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- 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,780
- empathy, courage, and vulnerability."
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- You have no idea how handy
- that comes in my life. So...
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- 00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,870
- Really, not just in my work,
- but in my life
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- 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,955
- because how many of you know...
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- I recognize some of y'all,
- so I know you know me,
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- 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,629
- but how many of you know
- that I'm super introverted?
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- 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,714
- -[woman whoops]
- -Like, yeah.
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- 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,426
- -Where are all the introverts? Like...
- -[audience members whoop]
- 43
- 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:19,014
- It's super handy when I'm traveling
- because I'll be sitting next to someone,
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- 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,516
- and sometimes I'm in the mood to chat,
- and sometimes I'm not.
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- 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,644
- So they'll say, "So, what do you do?"
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- 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,604
- And if I'm not in the mood to chat,
- I'll be like,
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- 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,898
- -"I study shame. What do you do?"
- -[audience laughs]
- 48
- 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,484
- [Brené] And they're just--
- They're just like...
- 49
- 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,362
- -[imitates window whirring]
- -[audience laughs]
- 50
- 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,363
- Um...
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- 00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:37,032
- And then recently, it was really funny,
- 'cause I was like,
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- 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:40,035
- "Oh, I study courage and vulnerability,"
- and the guy was like,
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- 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,913
- "Oh, opposite ends
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- of the spectrum."
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- 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,333
- [audience laughs]
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- 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:51,004
- And there's that minute where you're like,
- "Do I engage or do I not engage?"
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- 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,383
- I was like, "No, actually,
- they're the same.
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- 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,842
- You know, courage-- You can't really--
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- 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,011
- You can't really be brave
- without vulnerability."
- 60
- 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:01,056
- And he's like, "Ha! Yeah.
- No, the opposite ends."
- 61
- 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,224
- [audience laughs]
- 62
- 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:07,646
- Now, I can understand why it's complicated
- for some people to get that.
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- It took me 20 years of trying to disprove
- that I had to be vulnerable,
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- 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,360
- um, to be brave,
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- but I really--
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- This came to life for me
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- when we started looking
- at covers for Daring Greatly,
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- which was the first book where I wrote
- about courage and vulnerability, right?
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- So I say to them,
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- "Let's make sure
- we really capture the spirit...
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- of vulnerability and courage,
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- that we really have to put ourselves
- out there."
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- 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,882
- And they're like, "We've got it.
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- Do you need to see the cover?"
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- 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:41,054
- And I was like, "Uh, yeah.
- I need to see the cover."
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- So they sent me the cover.
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- 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,311
- [audience laughs]
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- I've named that piece
- "White Guy on a Wire."
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- 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,198
- [audience laughs]
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- [laughing] I was like,
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- "I would never buy that book."
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- 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:04,786
- [audience laughs]
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- Had I known what was coming next,
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- this would have been the cover
- of Daring Greatly,
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- 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,878
- I guarantee it, because...
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- 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,922
- I go back and I'm like,
- "That's not gonna work.
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- 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,675
- I don't want a white dude
- on the front of the book, period."
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- Uh, especially with,
- like, a 1980s briefcase.
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- 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:26,808
- [laughing] Uh... And so then,
- I get an email that says...
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- "This is it. We all love it."
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- 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,483
- And I'm like, "Oh, man. Dude.
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- 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,818
- Don't use your invisible army with me.
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- 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,111
- Like, I'm a shame researcher.
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- 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:42,866
- Like, you can't do
- the "we all love it" thing with me.
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- 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:45,952
- Like, I will drill you down
- till you are crying.
- 96
- 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,622
- And, who is the "we"?
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- Unless you've got a mouse in your pocket,
- that is chickenshit, like...
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- 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:55,378
- No "we." Just like, "I love it."
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- 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,089
- So I'm looking at it like,
- "Oh, God. We all love it.
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- We all think this is it.
- We're all excited.
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- We're all behind it."
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- 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,554
- So you know, right? [scoffs]
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- I'm gonna test...
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- your empathic powers here.
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- [audience chuckles]
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- 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,771
- If you're really highly empathic,
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- there'll be no laughter.
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- 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,985
- [audience laughs]
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- 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,031
- I was like, "What?"
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- 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,661
- I-- Okay, so here's the thing.
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- Like every woman born in this country,
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- I've had to do my share
- of body image work.
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- 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:35,961
- [audience laughs]
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- 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,255
- [Brené] And I have.
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- To the point where I am dangerous,
- I like myself so much.
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- 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,845
- Like, I-- I'm good with everything.
- Right? Yeah.
- 117
- 00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:47,055
- -[audience cheers]
- -[Brené] Pretty good.
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- Okay.
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- But the chance...
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- of my name being under an elephant ass
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- 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,651
- on the front of a book is zero.
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- That-- Zero. There is zero opportunity
- for that to happen.
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- 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,241
- So it seems, like, crazy, right?
- 124
- 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:08,827
- You're like, "These are early concepts,
- and people are trying to--"
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- 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:09,828
- But let me show you.
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- This book has been translated
- into, like, 32 languages.
- 127
- 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,374
- Let me show you
- some of the actual covers
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- of how people have conceptualized
- 129
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- the relationship between courage
- and vulnerability.
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- 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,133
- This is the Korean.
- This is the real, actual--
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- 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,718
- The funniest thing about this
- 132
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- is it was on my-- my kitchen table
- in my house
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- when my daughter and her friends
- got home from high school one day,
- 134
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- and her friend was like,
- 135
- 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,145
- "Oh, my God.
- Does your mom know Johnny Depp?"
- 136
- 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,396
- [audience laughs]
- 137
- 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,273
- [Brené] Which I do not.
- 138
- 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,025
- Okay.
- 139
- 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:44,112
- I totally love the Swedes, I really do.
- Like, I just love them.
- 140
- 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,449
- But they got the saddest cover
- in the whole world.
- 141
- 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:48,658
- [audience] Aw!
- 142
- 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:49,576
- [Brené] Okay.
- 143
- 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,914
- Why did you do that involuntarily?
- 144
- 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:58,084
- Because this is a sign, internationally,
- for, like, abuse and neglect.
- 145
- 00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,920
- [audience laughs]
- 146
- 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:02,631
- [Brené] And then... [chuckling]
- 147
- 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,926
- ...we have the cover
- 148
- 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,720
- that completely jacked
- with my kayaking game
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- 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,305
- because I love to kayak.
- 150
- 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:11,932
- I'm a water person, right?
- 151
- 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:14,351
- So when I saw this Lithuanian cover,
- 152
- 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,020
- I couldn't get in a kayak for six months.
- 153
- 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,230
- [audience laughs]
- 154
- 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,068
- Yeah. Yeah.
- 155
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- This is not what I had in mind,
- but this is what people think. Okay.
- 156
- 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,450
- Here's where Daring Greatly
- actually comes from.
- 157
- 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:32,661
- Teddy Roosevelt.
- 158
- 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,080
- So the day the book came out,
- 159
- 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:38,249
- my husband put pictures
- of Teddy Roosevelt all over our house
- 160
- 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,209
- because the epigraph,
- 161
- 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,670
- the quote that kind of is the spine
- of Daring Greatly,
- 162
- 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,213
- comes from Teddy Roosevelt.
- 163
- 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,422
- So I woke up in the morning.
- 164
- 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:47,175
- I was like, "Oh, my God. That's so sweet."
- And my kids were like...
- 165
- 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,387
- -"Is that Opa? Is that Grandpa?" Um...
- -[audience laughs]
- 166
- 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:53,932
- So here's the story.
- 167
- 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,767
- How many of you have seen the TED Talk
- on vulnerability?
- 168
- 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,852
- -[audience cheers]
- -[Brené] Okay.
- 169
- 00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:02,065
- I wish I could take credit.
- 170
- 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,150
- It was me.
- It's not that I can't take credit for it,
- 171
- 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,152
- but it was a complete accident.
- 172
- 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,487
- So here's what happened.
- 173
- 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,907
- The curators of TEDx Houston--
- 174
- 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,159
- this is the first people
- to get the license in Houston--
- 175
- 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,537
- call and say,
- "Hey, we got the TEDx license.
- 176
- 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:18,164
- Would you like to open up TEDx Houston?"
- 177
- 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,710
- And I was like, "Yes!
- My God, yes. Thank you!
- 178
- 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,503
- What do you want me to talk about?"
- 179
- 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,588
- 'Cause normally,
- when you spend your career
- 180
- 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,425
- talking about things like shame
- and fear, and scarcity,
- 181
- 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,634
- people get super prescriptive
- 182
- 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,303
- about what they want you to say
- and what they don't want you to say.
- 183
- 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,973
- And this guy was like, "You know what?
- 184
- 00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:38,018
- Whatever you want.
- You have fun. Just crush it.
- 185
- 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,228
- Just have fun and just--
- Whatever you want."
- 186
- 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,522
- -I was like...
- -[audience laughs]
- 187
- 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:46,067
- "All right. I'll crush it, dude.
- I'll do that. Okay."
- 188
- 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:50,030
- So I'm on a flight
- the day before TEDx Houston,
- 189
- 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,782
- coming home from Maui,
- where I had spent
- 190
- 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,786
- four days with CEOs from Silicon Valley
- 191
- 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,955
- talking about the importance
- of vulnerability.
- 192
- 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,750
- Talking about courage
- and putting yourself out there.
- 193
- 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,960
- And I turned to Steve,
- my husband, on the flight.
- 194
- 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,212
- My kids are passed out. They went with us.
- 195
- 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:10,925
- And I said, "I'm not going to do
- my normal talk tomorrow at TEDx Houston."
- 196
- 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,135
- And he's like, "What?"
- 197
- 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,054
- And I said, "I'm not gonna do
- my normal talk
- 198
- 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,639
- on variables
- mitigating self-conscious affect."
- 199
- 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,100
- And he's like, "Why not?"
- 200
- 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,936
- And I said, "I'm gonna be vulnerable
- and talk about vulnerability.
- 201
- 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,522
- I'm just gonna put my whole self
- out there." And he's like,
- 202
- 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,441
- "Why? Why would you do that?"
- 203
- 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,276
- [audience laughs]
- 204
- 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,070
- Which I think was a legitimate question.
- 205
- 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,655
- And I said, "Because I just spent
- four days with these people
- 206
- 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,450
- trying to convince them to be vulnerable
- and put themselves out there,
- 207
- 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,995
- and then I'm gonna walk on the stage
- in my academic armor, you know, like,
- 208
- 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:42,540
- 'This is the variable that, you know.'
- Um, because that's my training."
- 209
- 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,376
- And so, I was like,ÂÂ
- "I'm not gonna do that.
- 210
- 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,711
- I'm gonna just be vulnerable."
- 211
- 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,464
- So I got up there and,
- as many of you know, I was vulnerable.
- 212
- 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:52,342
- I talked about how I'm scared
- of vulnerability, how I hate it,
- 213
- 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,636
- how when it emerged from my data
- 214
- 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,680
- as the key
- to wholehearted living and loving,
- 215
- 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,516
- I totally had a breakdown.
- 216
- 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,393
- I went to a therapist
- with an Excel spreadsheet
- 217
- 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,604
- and said, "Here's what I need to work on.
- 218
- 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,067
- I have six weeks."
- It took, like, eight years. Uh...
- 219
- 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,735
- [audience laughs]
- 220
- 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,153
- You know, and I did that.
- 221
- 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,989
- And so when I drove home
- after giving the talk,
- 222
- 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,866
- I just remember thinking,
- 223
- 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,160
- "That was the worst 20 minutes
- of my life."
- 224
- 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,412
- Like,
- I had the worst vulnerability hangover
- 225
- 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,330
- that you can imagine.
- 226
- 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:26,042
- I thought,
- "Thank God it was just 500 people
- 227
- 00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:28,253
- at the University of Houston,
- where I've taught.
- 228
- 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,171
- I know a hundred of them.
- 229
- 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,298
- Um, thank God that's over.
- 230
- 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,802
- I'm going back to the variables
- mitigating self-conscious affect.
- 231
- 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,638
- That other's bullshit."
- Like, "I'm not doing it."
- 232
- 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,100
- So then I find out it's on YouTube,
- 233
- 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,769
- and I'm thinking,
- "Did I sign a clearance for that?"
- 234
- 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:47,313
- Like, I'm like--
- I'm trying to get out of it.
- 235
- 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,274
- Then they put it on the big TED,
- 236
- 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,359
- and I go to my husband. I'm, like, crying,
- 237
- 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,736
- "We gotta stop this. What's happening?"
- And he goes,
- 238
- 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,948
- "What are people gonna google?
- 'Brené Brown, vulnerability'?"
- 239
- 00:10:57,031 --> 00:11:00,285
- [audience laughs, cheers]
- 240
- 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,079
- [Brené] Yeah.
- 241
- 00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,584
- And, of course,
- I'm just embarrassed at that point
- 242
- 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,961
- that I would be like,
- "They're gonna find me!" [whines]
- 243
- 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,921
- I was like, "You're right.
- No one's gonna watch."
- 244
- 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:16,384
- So I watch it, and it's like,
- three people, four people,
- 245
- 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,469
- five million, six million...
- 246
- 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,430
- -[man whoops]
- -[Brené] And there's this day--
- 247
- 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,141
- Like, yeah.
- You're like, "Whoo!" And I'm like, "Shit!"
- 248
- 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,351
- -[audience laughs]
- -Um, that's the difference.
- 249
- 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,352
- And so, I'm like...
- 250
- 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,480
- "What is happening?"
- 251
- 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:32,150
- And so, one day, every news outlet, like,
- 252
- 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,611
- in the world was covering this story.
- Like,
- 253
- 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,323
- "Who is Bernie Brown,
- and why is vulnerability important?"
- 254
- 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,825
- So I'm like, "Oh, my God."
- 255
- 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,161
- So, Steve-- My kids are at school.
- 256
- 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,830
- Steve leaves for work,
- and he's like, "Hey, listen.
- 257
- 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,833
- Don't get online.
- Don't read the comments."
- 258
- 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,418
- And I'm like,
- 259
- 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,339
- "I've done a lot of my own work.
- I'm not gonna be reading the comments."
- 260
- 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:58,218
- And I'm, like, waiting for him
- to back out of the driveway,
- 261
- 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:00,678
- and then I'm like...
- 262
- 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,514
- Oh, my God.
- 263
- 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,018
- You can study shame,
- yet you are never prepared
- 264
- 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,812
- for... the...
- 265
- 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,731
- terrible stuff online. Right?
- 266
- 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,150
- It's the cesspool of humanity
- on these things.
- 267
- 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,444
- So I start reading the comments,
- 268
- 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,197
- and the best way to describe shame,
- to me,
- 269
- 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,532
- is shame is this--
- the feeling that you would get
- 270
- 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,827
- if you walked out of a room
- that was filled with people who know you,
- 271
- 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,497
- and they start saying
- such hurtful things about you
- 272
- 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,582
- that you don't know
- that you could ever walk back in
- 273
- 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,626
- -and face them again in your life.
- -[woman] Wow.
- 274
- 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,002
- That's what shame is.
- 275
- 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:33,920
- And for me,
- 276
- 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,506
- the fear of shame,
- 277
- 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,510
- the fear of criticism was so great
- in my life up until that point--
- 278
- 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,220
- I mean, just paralyzing--
- 279
- 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,597
- that I engineered smallness in my life.
- 280
- 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:47,517
- I did not take chances.
- I did not put myself out there.
- 281
- 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,811
- I mean, I just didn't.
- If I was gonna write an op-ed,
- 282
- 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,854
- I sent it to the Chronicle,
- not the New York Times.
- 283
- 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,107
- Like, I didn't-- It wasn't worth it to me
- 284
- 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,734
- to step into my power and play big
- 285
- 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,403
- because I didn't know
- 286
- 00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,531
- if I could literally,
- physically withstand the criticism.
- 287
- 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,200
- And so, I pull up these comments,
- 288
- 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:08,413
- and there is everything I have feared
- my entire life.
- 289
- 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:11,749
- First comment says,
- "Less research, more Botox."
- 290
- 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,419
- The next comment says,
- "Of course she embraces imperfection.
- 291
- 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,546
- What choice would you have
- if you look like her?"
- 292
- 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,214
- The next comment says,
- 293
- 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,718
- "She should wait and talk about worthiness
- when she loses 15 pounds."
- 294
- 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,803
- "I feel sorry for her husband
- and her children."
- 295
- 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,889
- "I hope someone kills her."
- "She's what's wrong with the world today."
- 296
- 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,017
- And I was vacillating between...
- 297
- 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:31,519
- like...
- 298
- 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:35,398
- "God, just let me die right now.
- Just suck me up, Earth,"
- 299
- 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,984
- and "I am prepared for this.
- 300
- 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,903
- I have three degrees in social work.
- I am prepared for this crisis."
- 301
- 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,489
- -Like, "I am trained for this moment."
- -[audience cheers, laughs]
- 302
- 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,909
- And finally, I was just like,
- "I am trained for this moment.
- 303
- 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,494
- I am trained for this moment.
- 304
- 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,706
- You're in a shame storm.
- You're in a shame shitstorm.
- 305
- 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,416
- You're trained for this moment."
- 306
- 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,378
- And then I was like,
- "Okay, you know what to do.
- 307
- 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,922
- -Peanut butter and Downton Abbey."
- -[audience laughs]
- 308
- 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,301
- -[Brené] Yeah!
- -[all cheer]
- 309
- 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,804
- So I get my "serving size"
- of peanut butter. Arbitrary.
- 310
- 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,890
- [audience laughs]
- 311
- 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,268
- It just says how much you can fit
- on the spoon
- 312
- 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,229
- and nothing about the size of the spoon.
- Like...
- 313
- 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,606
- And so...
- 314
- 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,859
- And I turn on Downton Abbey.
- It's like a hundred degrees in Houston,
- 315
- 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,111
- and I have the thermostat on, like, 58,
- 316
- 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:26,824
- and I've got on Uggs and a hoodie
- and Woobies and I'm, like, sad,
- 317
- 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:30,036
- and I'm watching Downton Abbey.
- For seven hours I watch it, just...
- 318
- 00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:33,498
- How many of you have ever numbed
- with TV or a movie?
- 319
- 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,124
- -[scattered applause]
- -[Brené] Yeah.
- 320
- 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,627
- -You're my people. Um...
- -[audience laughs]
- 321
- 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,213
- But how many of you have ever done this?
- It's a lot of you,
- 322
- 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,924
- but fewer of you will confess
- because it seems crazy.
- 323
- 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,344
- When it's over and you don't want
- to go back to the real world,
- 324
- 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,597
- like, you get out your laptop
- and then you start googling, like,
- 325
- 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:52,266
- "Where is the abbey?"
- "Who plays this person?"
- 326
- 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:56,187
- -Like, yes or no? Yes or no?
- -[audience laughs and applauds]
- 327
- 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,481
- Yes, I know. Don't lie.
- 328
- 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,776
- "Do you fly into Heathrow?
- How much does it cost?" Like...
- 329
- 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,153
- And so then, I'm like,
- 330
- 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,739
- "Yeah, who was president
- of the United States
- 331
- 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,242
- during this Downton Abbey thing?"
- 332
- 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:12,370
- And so I was like,
- "Theodore Roosevelt, 1910."
- 333
- 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,497
- Then I had a total God moment.
- 334
- 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,959
- There is no other way.
- This was God, like, descending
- 335
- 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,545
- in my living room in full regalia.
- 336
- 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:21,963
- I pull it up.
- 337
- 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:25,633
- The first thing on Google is a speech
- that Theodore Roosevelt gave in 1910.
- 338
- 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,469
- And I start reading it
- because, again, I'm doing anything I can
- 339
- 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:32,014
- to not go back to Houston, Texas,
- and my life with the haters.
- 340
- 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,309
- So I start reading it, and it says,
- 341
- 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:37,228
- "It's not the critic who counts.
- 342
- 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:40,022
- It's not the man who points out
- how the strong man stumbles
- 343
- 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,942
- or where the doer of deeds
- could have done it different.
- 344
- 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,779
- The credit belongs to the person
- who's actually in the arena,
- 345
- 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:49,907
- whose face is marred
- with dust and sweat and blood,
- 346
- 00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,742
- who strives valiantly,
- 347
- 00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:52,785
- who errs,
- 348
- 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,705
- who comes up short
- again and again and again,
- 349
- 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,457
- and who, in the end,
- 350
- 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,042
- while he may know the triumph
- of high achievement,
- 351
- 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,629
- at least when he fails,
- he does so daring greatly."
- 352
- 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,507
- [audience cheers]
- 353
- 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,890
- There is my life before that quote
- and my life after that quote,
- 354
- 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,933
- like, in really one minute.
- 355
- 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,269
- And three things became very clear to me
- 356
- 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,396
- that were really life altering.
- 357
- 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,024
- One, I'm gonna live in the arena.
- 358
- 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,943
- I'm gonna be brave with my life.
- I'm gonna show up.
- 359
- 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,570
- I'm gonna take chances.
- 360
- 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,572
- And here's a thing I can tell you:
- 361
- 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:34,035
- 20 years of doing this research,
- we just crossed 400,000 pieces of data.
- 362
- 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,829
- Here's what I can tell you for sure:
- If you're brave with your life,
- 363
- 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:39,874
- you choose to live in the arena,
- you're going to get your ass kicked.
- 364
- 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,125
- [audience chuckles]
- 365
- 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,377
- You are going to fall.
- You are going to fail.
- 366
- 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,213
- You are going to know heartbreak.
- 367
- 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,301
- It's a choice.
- It's a choice that I make every day.
- 368
- 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:53,137
- These are the words I say
- before my feet hit the floor every day.
- 369
- 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,848
- "Today I'll choose courage over comfort.
- 370
- 00:16:56,849 --> 00:17:00,561
- I can't make commitments for tomorrow,
- but today I'm gonna choose to be brave,
- 371
- 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:01,771
- and I know what that means."
- 372
- 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,773
- And it's so funny
- because I do all of this work
- 373
- 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:07,527
- with leaders and in organizations today,
- and they'll always say to me,
- 374
- 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:11,656
- "I hear you, and I'm gonna be brave,
- and I'm willing to risk failing."
- 375
- 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:15,117
- And I'm like, "You're-- You don't hear me.
- You're not hearing me."
- 376
- 00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:17,662
- Somewhere between what I'm saying
- and what you're hearing,
- 377
- 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,998
- you're-- you're taking out
- the "you're going to fail."
- 378
- 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,583
- Not "you're going to risk failure."
- 379
- 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,628
- "You're going to know failure
- if you're brave with your life."
- 380
- 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,047
- The second thing...
- 381
- 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,216
- that became very clear to me
- 382
- 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:33,511
- is that quote was everything
- I've learned about vulnerability.
- 383
- 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,514
- Vulnerability's not about winning.
- It's not about losing.
- 384
- 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,516
- It's having the courage to show up
- 385
- 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,977
- when you can't control the outcome.
- 386
- 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:45,147
- And we have asked thousands of people
- over the last couple of decades,
- 387
- 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,816
- "What is vulnerability to you?"
- 388
- 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:48,901
- And the answers range from:
- 389
- 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,572
- Vulnerability is the first date
- after my divorce.
- 390
- 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,825
- Trying to get pregnant
- after my second miscarriage.
- 391
- 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,035
- Sitting with my wife
- who has stage four breast cancer
- 392
- 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,079
- making plans for our toddlers.
- 393
- 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,832
- Getting fired. Firing someone.
- 394
- 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,625
- Coming out to my Christian parents.
- 395
- 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,878
- Saying "I love you" first.
- 396
- 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,258
- There's this great story that--
- 397
- 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,595
- It's probably seven
- or eight years ago now. I was in LA,
- 398
- 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:20,474
- and I was doing a talk
- for a couple of thousand educators,
- 399
- 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,561
- and a young man
- walked up to me afterwards, and he said,
- 400
- 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,063
- "Hey, do you have a minute?
- I want to tell you a story."
- 401
- 00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:27,732
- And I said, "Sure," and he goes,
- 402
- 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,650
- "Your work changed my life."
- 403
- 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,069
- And I said, "Thank you,"
- and he said, "No, really.
- 404
- 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:35,823
- My parents sent me your TED Talks,
- and they completely changed my life."
- 405
- 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,284
- And I said, "Wow, thank you,"
- and he said, "In fact,
- 406
- 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,287
- they inspired me
- to tell the woman that I'm dating
- 407
- 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:42,246
- that I love her."
- 408
- 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,750
- And I was like,
- [quietly] "Oh, God. Okay...
- 409
- 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,879
- That's amazing.
- It's so good to meet you."
- 410
- 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,757
- He was like, "No, let me tell you
- what happened." And I was like...
- 411
- 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,592
- -[audience laughs]
- -"Yeah."
- 412
- 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,802
- [audience laughs]
- 413
- 00:18:56,886 --> 00:19:01,265
- And he said, "We went out to dinner,
- and I was gonna wait until dessert,
- 414
- 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,726
- because we get this, like,
- chocolate lava cake.
- 415
- 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,396
- I was gonna tell her when the chocolate
- lava cake came, but I couldn't wait,
- 416
- 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,899
- so I just looked at her
- halfway through dinner and I said,
- 417
- 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:11,484
- 'I love you.'
- 418
- 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,320
- And she looked back at me,
- and she said,
- 419
- 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,489
- 'I think you're awesome.
- 420
- 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,574
- [audience groans and chuckles]
- 421
- 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,951
- And I think we should date other people.'
- 422
- 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,703
- [audience groans]
- 423
- 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,289
- And then she left and got a ride home."
- 424
- 00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:29,669
- He said, "So, I just got in my car...
- 425
- 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,254
- and drove home,
- and, just, the whole way home,
- 426
- 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,923
- I just kept saying, over and over,
- 427
- 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,050
- 'Fuck Brené Brown.
- Fuck Brené Brown.'"
- 428
- 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,052
- [audience laughs]
- 429
- 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,346
- [Brené] And I was like...
- 430
- 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,641
- I was like,
- 431
- 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,644
- "This is the worst mm-ing story ever!"
- 432
- 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,397
- And he said, "Then I got home,
- 433
- 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,899
- and I just, you know,
- barged into my apartment.
- 434
- 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,651
- Both my roommates
- were sitting on the couch,
- 435
- 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,486
- and they were on their laptops,
- 436
- 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,781
- and they were like,
- 'Dude, what's wrong?'" And he's like,
- 437
- 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,074
- "I told her I loved her...
- 438
- 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,992
- and she broke up with me."
- 439
- 00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,495
- And his roommate goes, "That was so lame.
- 440
- 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,497
- You can't go after them.
- 441
- 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,417
- When you head toward them, they move away.
- 442
- 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,253
- When you're always moving away,
- they move toward them.
- 443
- 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,338
- This is the way it works."
- 444
- 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:17,967
- And he was like, "I told them.
- I was like, 'Oh, what? No!
- 445
- 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,636
- Man, that's not who I want to be.
- 446
- 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,054
- I was daring greatly.'"
- 447
- 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,266
- And he said both of them just got
- really misty-eyed and went,
- 448
- 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,852
- -"Right on, man! Right on!"
- -[audience cheers]
- 449
- 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,065
- So number one,
- 450
- 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:36,986
- if you're gonna be in the arena, join me.
- It's really great.
- 451
- 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,655
- When you're down on the ground,
- blood, sweat, tear--
- 452
- 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,157
- You know, it's an interesting view.
- 453
- 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,867
- You can see other people
- who are brave too.
- 454
- 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:47,121
- Um, two, vulnerability is not weakness.
- In fact, it's--
- 455
- 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,039
- You know,
- vulnerability is our most accurate way
- 456
- 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:52,293
- to measure courage,
- and we literally do that as researchers.
- 457
- 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:56,172
- We can measure how brave you are
- by how vulnerable you're willing to be.
- 458
- 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,299
- The last thing I learned that day
- 459
- 00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,384
- in my God moment with Theodore Roosevelt
- 460
- 00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,303
- was this:
- 461
- 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:05,389
- If you are not in the arena
- 462
- 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:09,518
- getting your ass kicked on occasion
- because you were being brave,
- 463
- 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:13,814
- I am not interested in
- or open to your feedback about my work.
- 464
- 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:14,815
- Period.
- 465
- 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,275
- -[audience applauds]
- -[Brené] Just period.
- 466
- 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:24,742
- And there's a really, really,
- I think, easy...
- 467
- 00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:27,536
- way to think about it, and it's this:
- 468
- 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:30,539
- There are millions
- of cheap seats in the world today
- 469
- 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,084
- filled with people
- who will never once step foot
- 470
- 00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:35,044
- in that arena.
- 471
- 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,463
- They will never once
- put themselves out there,
- 472
- 00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,840
- but they will make it a full-time job
- 473
- 00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:44,720
- to hurl criticism and judgment
- and really hateful things toward us.
- 474
- 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:49,016
- And we have got to get out of the habit
- of catching them
- 475
- 00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:52,311
- and dissecting and, you know,
- holding them close to our hearts.
- 476
- 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,522
- We've gotta let them drop on the floor.
- 477
- 00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:58,234
- Don't grab that hurtful stuff
- from the cheap seats and pull it close.
- 478
- 00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,444
- Don't pull it anywhere near your heart.
- 479
- 00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:04,949
- Just let it fall to the ground.
- You don't have to stomp it or kick it.
- 480
- 00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:07,409
- You just gotta step over it
- and keep going.
- 481
- 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:11,664
- You can't take criticism and feedback
- 482
- 00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:14,667
- from people who are not being brave
- with their lives.
- 483
- 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,128
- It just will crush you.
- 484
- 00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:21,799
- You know, I've been teaching
- graduate school for 22 years,
- 485
- 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,634
- and here's what's interesting.
- 486
- 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:29,682
- To kind of deal with this huge,
- 487
- 00:22:30,224 --> 00:22:33,727
- crushing mountain
- of negativity and vitriol everywhere,
- 488
- 00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,354
- especially social media,
- 489
- 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:38,899
- there's this kind of wholesale adoption
- of "I don't give a shit
- 490
- 00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,442
- what anyone thinks."
- 491
- 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:44,280
- How many of you have heard this?
- How many of you have said it?
- 492
- 00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:47,533
- -[audience murmurs]
- -Right. Yes, you do.
- 493
- 00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:50,286
- -[audience chuckles]
- -You totally care.
- 494
- 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:53,789
- Like, you're neurobiologically hardwired
- to care what people think.
- 495
- 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,708
- You have not hacked that.
- 496
- 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,668
- We care what people think.
- 497
- 00:22:57,751 --> 00:23:00,880
- The deal is
- that you have to be very specific
- 498
- 00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:03,465
- about people whose opinions of you matter.
- 499
- 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:05,968
- It's not that you don't give a shit
- what anyone thinks.
- 500
- 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,345
- Just don't give a shit
- what some people think.
- 501
- 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,974
- -[audience chuckles]
- -And then really solicit feedback
- 502
- 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:15,019
- from the people
- that do... give you good feedback.
- 503
- 00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:16,687
- And you know who makes that list?
- 504
- 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:18,564
- I'll tell you who should make the list.
- 505
- 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:22,234
- People who love you, not despite
- your imperfection and vulnerability,
- 506
- 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,821
- but because of your imperfection
- and vulnerability. Their feedback matters.
- 507
- 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,616
- Not the "yes" people,
- but the people who say, "Yeah,
- 508
- 00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:30,284
- that kind of sucked,
- 509
- 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,953
- and you were really out of line,
- and you need to clean that shit up,
- 510
- 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:35,873
- and I'll be here cheering you on,
- but that was not okay."
- 511
- 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:41,170
- So, for me, this moment,
- 512
- 00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,672
- this daring greatly moment
- with Theodore Roosevelt
- 513
- 00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,383
- changed everything,
- and it really helped me understand
- 514
- 00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:50,137
- what vulnerability is
- and what it means to be in the arena--
- 515
- 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:51,639
- to show up and be brave.
- 516
- 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,767
- I want to tell a story
- 517
- 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:59,980
- that gives some color and context
- to what it means to be vulnerable.
- 518
- 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:03,317
- So this is Lake Travis in Austin.
- 519
- 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:06,153
- -[audience whoops]
- -Any Longhorns in the audience? Hook 'em!
- 520
- 00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:09,907
- I knew I liked you
- right from the beginning.
- 521
- 00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:11,575
- -Yes.
- -[laughs]
- 522
- 00:24:11,784 --> 00:24:13,452
- So this is my magic lake. This--
- 523
- 00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:16,205
- I spent every summer of my childhood
- on this lake in Austin.
- 524
- 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,457
- Um, it's where I learned how to, like,
- 525
- 00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:21,293
- do all the things that, you know,
- Texas girls learn how to do.
- 526
- 00:24:21,377 --> 00:24:24,171
- Fish, run a trotline for catfish,
- 527
- 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,799
- um... shoot BB guns, swim.
- 528
- 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,300
- I mean, this was my life.
- 529
- 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:30,302
- So a couple of years ago,
- Steve and I decide
- 530
- 00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:32,388
- that we're gonna pool our vacation
- for the year
- 531
- 00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,848
- and take one long vacation,
- 532
- 00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:37,768
- rent a house on Lake Travis, and go.
- 533
- 00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:40,396
- And I am so excited.
- So, like, two and a half weeks.
- 534
- 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:43,941
- So we rent this big house,
- we reach out to our families and say,
- 535
- 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:46,193
- "We've rented this house.
- This is where we're gonna be.
- 536
- 00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:48,612
- If you want to come visit us, do it,
- 537
- 00:24:49,113 --> 00:24:50,239
- but schedule it on your own."
- 538
- 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,824
- 'Cause my parents are divorced
- and remarried,
- 539
- 00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:53,325
- his parents are divorced and remarried.
- 540
- 00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:55,995
- It's like NASA-level coordinating
- on stuff like this.
- 541
- 00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:58,163
- So just, "We're gonna be here."
- 542
- 00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,835
- So it's great. So we're packing,
- and we always have these--
- 543
- 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:04,294
- Do y'all have these,
- or are we the only people?
- 544
- 00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:05,629
- Like, we call them the CTJs.
- 545
- 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:08,757
- The vacation CTJ,
- the vacation come-to-Jesus talk,
- 546
- 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:09,842
- before we leave.
- 547
- 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:12,845
- -[audience laughs]
- -Do y'all have these in your lives?
- 548
- 00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:16,348
- Where you have to level set expectation.
- Like, I'll give you an example.
- 549
- 00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:18,767
- This is not this, but this is more recent.
- 550
- 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:21,687
- We were going to Disney,
- and I was packing, and he said,
- 551
- 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,815
- "I think we need to have our,
- like, CTJ on Disney."
- 552
- 00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:25,733
- And I was like,
- 553
- 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:27,609
- "Why?" And he said,
- 554
- 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,113
- "You've got five books, man.
- What are you doing with these?"
- 555
- 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,906
- And he-- I'm like,
- "I'm taking them to vacation.
- 556
- 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:35,325
- Do you know how long it's been
- since I've read good fiction?"
- 557
- 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:38,078
- He goes, "You ain't reading nothing
- for the next four days
- 558
- 00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:40,998
- but 'too tall to ride,'
- 'too short to ride.'"
- 559
- 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:43,000
- -[audience laughs]
- -I was like, "What?"
- 560
- 00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:45,377
- And he was like,
- "You won't be in the hotel reading.
- 561
- 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:47,421
- We're taking, like, five kids to Disney."
- 562
- 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:50,049
- So this was our CTJ for Lake Travis.
- 563
- 00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:52,676
- We're like, "Two and a half weeks.
- How do you do a vacation that long?"
- 564
- 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,596
- We'd never been on a long vacation.
- He's like, "First of all,
- 565
- 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,681
- there's gotta be rules for the kids."
- 566
- 00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,100
- If we just, like,
- go crazy on normal vacation,
- 567
- 00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:01,935
- and let them do screen time
- and stay up late,
- 568
- 00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:03,896
- they'll be feral by the time we get back.
- 569
- 00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:08,650
- So we gotta have,
- like, limited screen time, early bedtime.
- 570
- 00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:10,861
- And then I started to get the bug,
- and I'm like,
- 571
- 00:26:11,028 --> 00:26:12,905
- "We're gonna do a healthy vacation.
- 572
- 00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:15,908
- We're gonna do, like,
- a healthy family vacation.
- 573
- 00:26:15,991 --> 00:26:18,869
- And we're gonna cook,
- and we're not gonna eat a lot of crap,
- 574
- 00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:20,537
- and we're gonna work out every day.
- 575
- 00:26:20,621 --> 00:26:21,997
- [audience laughs]
- 576
- 00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,957
- And he's like, "I love it."
- 577
- 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:25,584
- So we decide to swim every day.
- 578
- 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,711
- We're gonna swim this cove every day.
- And so,
- 579
- 00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:31,799
- we met coaching swimming.
- We're both ex-competitive swimmers.
- 580
- 00:26:31,882 --> 00:26:34,051
- He still swims competitively.
- 581
- 00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:35,594
- I'm a shame researcher.
- 582
- 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,846
- [audience laughs]
- 583
- 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:42,059
- And so, I was like, "But I can do it."
- Like, I can do this. Right?
- 584
- 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:43,435
- So...
- 585
- 00:26:44,478 --> 00:26:47,189
- you know, I dig in the back of my drawer
- for the old Speedo.
- 586
- 00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:48,690
- I'm like, hm.
- 587
- 00:26:49,983 --> 00:26:50,818
- Hm.
- 588
- 00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:52,653
- Okay.
- 589
- 00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:54,863
- So I get it, the goggles, my cap.
- 590
- 00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:57,074
- So one morning, we head to the lake,
- 591
- 00:26:57,157 --> 00:26:59,868
- and it is beautiful outside,
- and it's early.
- 592
- 00:26:59,952 --> 00:27:03,288
- The sun's coming up.
- Gorgeous rock, turquoise water.
- 593
- 00:27:03,831 --> 00:27:06,166
- We dive in.
- The kids are upstairs sleeping.
- 594
- 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,377
- My sisters are there.
- Their kids are upstairs sleeping.
- 595
- 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:11,380
- We start swimming, and I'm just like,
- 596
- 00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,341
- "Oh, my God. This is like if-- if you die
- and you're good your whole life,
- 597
- 00:27:14,424 --> 00:27:17,427
- this is where you go, right here.
- Lake Travis with your man.
- 598
- 00:27:17,511 --> 00:27:18,679
- Like, this is it."
- 599
- 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:19,972
- [audience chuckles]
- 600
- 00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:23,308
- And we stop about halfway across
- 'cause, you know, open water swimming,
- 601
- 00:27:23,392 --> 00:27:25,602
- you're looking for boats,
- you're looking for those things.
- 602
- 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:29,606
- And all of a sudden, I catch Steve's eye.
- Now I'm gonna have to, like--
- 603
- 00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:31,900
- Can I use you as my person?
- 604
- 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,653
- Yes? Great. Tell me your name.
- 605
- 00:27:34,736 --> 00:27:36,363
- -[man] Samuel.
- -Samuel.
- 606
- 00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:39,074
- So we're about-- Raise your hand, Samuel,
- for the people in the back.
- 607
- 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:40,159
- Okay.
- 608
- 00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,870
- So we're about this far apart,
- and I'm like...
- 609
- 00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,623
- "I'm just gonna-- Steve?"
- And he goes, "Yeah?"
- 610
- 00:27:46,707 --> 00:27:48,834
- And I said, "I feel so connected to you.
- 611
- 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:53,046
- I'm so glad that we're spending
- this time together doing this."
- 612
- 00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:56,341
- And he looks back at me, and he goes,
- "Yeah, water's good,"
- 613
- 00:27:56,425 --> 00:27:57,968
- and he keeps swimming.
- 614
- 00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:00,012
- [audience laughs]
- 615
- 00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:03,473
- Yeah. [chuckles softly]
- 616
- 00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:07,561
- Oh, boy! So...
- 617
- 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,023
- my first thought, literally, is this.
- 618
- 00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:13,233
- I'm embarrassed to share it with you,
- but I will.
- 619
- 00:28:13,984 --> 00:28:17,487
- -"He is so overwhelmed with love for me."
- -[audience laughs]
- 620
- 00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:21,325
- That is my first thought,
- that he is not functioning.
- 621
- 00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:22,492
- Like, he is--
- 622
- 00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:24,870
- Like, I'm actually thinking to myself,
- 623
- 00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:28,957
- "I hope he's safe
- in this deep water with this feeling."
- 624
- 00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:32,544
- 'Cause it was like
- he couldn't process it, and--
- 625
- 00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:35,797
- And I have to be honest with you.
- He is a very courageous guy,
- 626
- 00:28:35,881 --> 00:28:38,800
- and he is much more likely
- to say that in our relationship
- 627
- 00:28:38,884 --> 00:28:40,427
- than I am to say that.
- 628
- 00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:43,096
- He's much more likely to go there
- and be that connecting,
- 629
- 00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:44,431
- and I'm not.
- 630
- 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:47,935
- I mean, I'm nice,
- but I'm not, you know, I'm not like that.
- 631
- 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,188
- And it was a big reach for me,
- so I thought, "That overwhelmed him."
- 632
- 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,149
- He was like,
- "Man, I gotta keep swimming." Um...
- 633
- 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,568
- So we get to the other end,
- and it's not like, it's like--
- 634
- 00:28:56,652 --> 00:28:59,029
- You're not gonna do a flip turn.
- It's just like mossy and stuff.
- 635
- 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:00,489
- And so, you just kinda turn around.
- 636
- 00:29:00,864 --> 00:29:03,408
- And we start swimming back,
- 637
- 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:05,369
- and now all of a sudden,
- 638
- 00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,663
- we're about this far from each other.
- 639
- 00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:09,748
- Raise your hand, Samuel,
- for the people in the back.
- 640
- 00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,458
- Okay, so we're close now.
- 641
- 00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,126
- And I think to myself,
- 642
- 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,128
- "Should I go back in?
- 643
- 00:29:15,462 --> 00:29:17,089
- Should I try it again?"
- 644
- 00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:19,591
- And this is really funny
- because I tell this story--
- 645
- 00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:21,843
- When I tell this story
- on the East Coast...
- 646
- 00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:24,471
- It's rhetorical, this question.
- Like, "Should I go back in?"
- 647
- 00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:28,725
- I'm telling you what I was thinking.
- I was thinking, "Should I go back in?"
- 648
- 00:29:29,059 --> 00:29:31,436
- But for some reason, in New York, Boston,
- 649
- 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,648
- these people feel compelled
- to be like, "No! No!
- 650
- 00:29:35,649 --> 00:29:38,402
- -No, ma'am!
- -[audience laughs]
- 651
- 00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:42,364
- No! That's bullshit. Do not go back there.
- Uh-uh.
- 652
- 00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:44,199
- No."
- 653
- 00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:46,034
- But then...
- 654
- 00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:48,287
- I'm gonna tell you what's worse.
- 655
- 00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:50,622
- In California,
- 656
- 00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:51,915
- people do this...
- 657
- 00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:54,876
- Almost every time I do this in California,
- someone goes...
- 658
- 00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:58,088
- [audience laughs]
- 659
- 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,259
- [mouthing]
- 660
- 00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:12,394
- That shit makes me uncomfortable.
- No, it does.
- 661
- 00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:15,230
- It makes me uncomfortable,
- and it makes me charge extra
- 662
- 00:30:15,314 --> 00:30:16,481
- to come to California.
- 663
- 00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:18,358
- Like, I don't like that.
- 664
- 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:20,193
- But on this particular day,
- 665
- 00:30:20,861 --> 00:30:22,738
- 'cause Samuel and I are so connected,
- 666
- 00:30:23,238 --> 00:30:26,783
- I said, "I'm gonna get my California on,
- and I'm gonna go back in."
- 667
- 00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:29,036
- So we're this far apart,
- 668
- 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:31,663
- and I'm like, "Hey!" And he's like...
- 669
- 00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:33,790
- And I said, "I feel really close to you.
- 670
- 00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:36,126
- This is a really...
- This is a really special moment.
- 671
- 00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:38,211
- Like, I love doing this with you."
- 672
- 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:41,923
- And he looks at me, and he goes,
- "Water's good," and he keeps swimming.
- 673
- 00:30:42,007 --> 00:30:44,009
- [audience laughs]
- 674
- 00:30:47,012 --> 00:30:48,722
- I'm pissed off now.
- 675
- 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:51,350
- Like, I am so mad.
- 676
- 00:30:53,143 --> 00:30:56,980
- So the thing about midlife
- that's so great--
- 677
- 00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,358
- For those of you in your 30s, don't fear.
- 678
- 00:30:59,441 --> 00:31:02,110
- -[audience laughs]
- -The thing about midlife that's so great
- 679
- 00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:04,780
- is you can actually,
- in situations like this,
- 680
- 00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,490
- play the tape to the end.
- 681
- 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,075
- Like, you know what's gonna happen.
- 682
- 00:31:08,158 --> 00:31:10,369
- Like, you can play the movie
- all the way to the end
- 683
- 00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:11,703
- and make changes accordingly.
- 684
- 00:31:13,413 --> 00:31:14,873
- So I know how this is gonna end.
- 685
- 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:17,959
- Like, let me ask this.
- There's a lot of men here tonight.
- 686
- 00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:21,713
- How many men in the audience
- are familiar with the term "payback"?
- 687
- 00:31:21,797 --> 00:31:23,298
- [audience laughs]
- 688
- 00:31:23,382 --> 00:31:24,883
- Let's see a show of hands.
- 689
- 00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,844
- What's your familiarity? Yeah.
- 690
- 00:31:28,345 --> 00:31:30,180
- This guy's like-- I see you.
- 691
- 00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:32,891
- You're not raising your hand,
- but you're thinking, "Yeah, I know it."
- 692
- 00:31:32,974 --> 00:31:34,851
- -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- -[inaudible]
- 693
- 00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:36,853
- So here's I know how it's gonna end.
- 694
- 00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:38,897
- So I will, like--
- 695
- 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:41,525
- I will go into complete pissed-off mode.
- 696
- 00:31:41,942 --> 00:31:46,113
- I will beat him back to the dock,
- fueled by nothing but rage and fury.
- 697
- 00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:51,576
- We will get upstairs. We'll be drying off.
- We'll be in the kitchen, and he'll go,
- 698
- 00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:54,454
- "Hey, babe. What's for breakfast?"
- 699
- 00:31:56,498 --> 00:31:58,917
- And I'll say, "I don't know, babe.
- 700
- 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,420
- Let me ask the breakfast fairy.
- Breakfast fairy!
- 701
- 00:32:01,503 --> 00:32:03,422
- [audience laughs]
- 702
- 00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:05,257
- Hey, breakfast fairy.
- 703
- 00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:06,842
- It's Brené.
- 704
- 00:32:07,384 --> 00:32:08,760
- What's for breakfast?
- 705
- 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,640
- Oh, I'm sorry, Steve.
- I forgot how vacation works.
- 706
- 00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,183
- I'm in charge of breakfast
- 707
- 00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,936
- and lunch, and dinner,
- and packing, and unpacking,
- 708
- 00:32:18,395 --> 00:32:21,022
- and laundry, and sunscreen, and towels,
- 709
- 00:32:21,690 --> 00:32:22,941
- and bug spray."
- 710
- 00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:24,151
- Look, these--
- 711
- 00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,611
- [audience laughs]
- 712
- 00:32:26,695 --> 00:32:29,364
- I'm gonna hang out with this whole crew
- after this is over.
- 713
- 00:32:29,448 --> 00:32:31,408
- The crew going like this. "Mm-hmm."
- 714
- 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,326
- That's how vacation works. Yes or no?
- 715
- 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:35,078
- -[audience] Yes!
- -[Brené] Yeah.
- 716
- 00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:37,789
- And the worst thing is,
- halfway during this,
- 717
- 00:32:37,873 --> 00:32:39,249
- Steve will go like this...
- 718
- 00:32:41,209 --> 00:32:43,128
- [audience laughs]
- 719
- 00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:44,754
- "Did something happen?"
- 720
- 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:49,134
- And so... [laughing]
- 721
- 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:52,846
- I'm like, "I know this story.
- I've lived it a thousand times.
- 722
- 00:32:52,929 --> 00:32:55,015
- This shit is not happening
- at my magic lake."
- 723
- 00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,935
- And so, I actually do beat him
- to the dock,
- 724
- 00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:01,188
- again, fueled by fury,
- 725
- 00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,899
- and when he gets to the dock,
- 726
- 00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:07,152
- I look at him,
- and I'm in 30 feet deep at this thing.
- 727
- 00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:09,404
- Like, so we're, like,
- treading water, right?
- 728
- 00:33:09,488 --> 00:33:11,239
- And I said, "What's going on?
- 729
- 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:13,492
- I'm trying to reach out
- and connect with you,
- 730
- 00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:16,995
- and you're blowing me off.
- Like, what is happening?"
- 731
- 00:33:17,746 --> 00:33:19,247
- And he kind of turns around,
- 732
- 00:33:19,331 --> 00:33:20,957
- and then he turns back toward me,
- and he goes,
- 733
- 00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:23,251
- "I don't want to do this with you."
- 734
- 00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,545
- And, of course, I'm like...
- 735
- 00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:29,007
- -[roars slowly]
- -[audience laughs]
- 736
- 00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:30,967
- [Brené] 'Cause I'm thinking, like...
- 737
- 00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:34,137
- Actually, you wanna know actually
- what I'm thinking?
- 738
- 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:35,096
- I'm thinking,
- 739
- 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,558
- "If I find out we're getting a divorce
- in a swimsuit,
- 740
- 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:40,560
- I'm gonna frickin' kill somebody,"
- 741
- 00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:43,188
- is what I'm thinking.
- That's what I'm actually thinking.
- 742
- 00:33:43,647 --> 00:33:46,149
- Um, I'm like, "What do you mean,
- you don't want to do this?"
- 743
- 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:48,735
- And he goes, "I don't want to have
- this conversation with you now."
- 744
- 00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:50,570
- I'm like, "Oh, tough shit."
- 745
- 00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:53,365
- I'm like, "Okay. We gotta do this, Steve."
- 746
- 00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:56,826
- And he starts to get out of the water.
- I'm like, "Can you please get back in?"
- 747
- 00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:58,912
- So he gets back in the water,
- and I'm like,
- 748
- 00:33:59,162 --> 00:34:00,789
- "I don't understand what's happening."
- 749
- 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:03,041
- And he's just not looking at me,
- and it's weird.
- 750
- 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,877
- And then I go to this place...
- 751
- 00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:09,214
- You know, when all else fails,
- I go back to the data.
- 752
- 00:34:09,589 --> 00:34:10,966
- I keep thinking about this sentence
- 753
- 00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:14,302
- that's been in my research
- for, like, 15 years.
- 754
- 00:34:15,178 --> 00:34:17,264
- It never saturated--
- like, that's our kinda code word
- 755
- 00:34:17,347 --> 00:34:19,182
- for "it didn't come up enough
- to write about it"--
- 756
- 00:34:19,266 --> 00:34:21,560
- until I wrote Rising Strong.
- 757
- 00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:24,563
- And when we were interviewing
- to understand resilience,
- 758
- 00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:29,276
- the most resilient participants
- that we've met across all these years
- 759
- 00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:30,986
- had this sentence in common.
- 760
- 00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,238
- They all used some form of this sentence.
- 761
- 00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:36,283
- And it has become--
- I'm telling you, this is a magic sentence.
- 762
- 00:34:36,366 --> 00:34:40,495
- It's a simple sentence.
- It's just the story I'm telling myself.
- 763
- 00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:42,831
- Because when something hard happens,
- 764
- 00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:47,586
- our brain, which is wired to protect us
- above all else, wants a story.
- 765
- 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,504
- It understands story
- and narrative pattern,
- 766
- 00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:53,800
- and it says, "Give me a story
- so I can understand how to protect you."
- 767
- 00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:57,178
- And it doesn't want a story that's like,
- "Well, I'm not sure. And..."
- 768
- 00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:58,722
- You know, that's not useful.
- 769
- 00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:02,225
- It wants, like, bad guy, good guy,
- safe, dangerous, against you, for you.
- 770
- 00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:05,145
- And so we make up these stories.
- 771
- 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:07,939
- How many of you get the three dots on text
- 772
- 00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:10,108
- and then it goes away,
- 773
- 00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:11,651
- and then you make up a story?
- 774
- 00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:14,029
- [audience laughs, applauds]
- 775
- 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:15,280
- [Brené] Right. Yeah. Right.
- 776
- 00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:21,119
- So I look at Steve, and I said,
- 777
- 00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:25,624
- "The story I'm making up right now
- is one of two things just happened."
- 778
- 00:35:25,707 --> 00:35:28,418
- And--- And in all fairness,
- you're gonna want to laugh,
- 779
- 00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:30,712
- but before I tell you,
- I'm gonna ask you not to laugh.
- 780
- 00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:32,297
- 'Cause I'm gonna ask you
- to take a deep breath...
- 781
- 00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:33,590
- [audience inhales]
- 782
- 00:35:33,673 --> 00:35:34,966
- ...and think about this:
- 783
- 00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:37,719
- When you make an emotional bid
- for connection with someone,
- 784
- 00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:39,512
- and you're pushed away,
- 785
- 00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,598
- what is the thing that you feel?
- 786
- 00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:44,059
- [audience] Rejection.
- 787
- 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,144
- Rejection, shame, fear, loneliness.
- 788
- 00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,563
- Like, I am hurting when I say this.
- 789
- 00:35:48,647 --> 00:35:53,652
- So I look at Steve, and I say, "Look...
- the story I'm making up right now
- 790
- 00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:57,697
- is either you looked over at me
- while we were swimming and thought,
- 791
- 00:35:58,156 --> 00:35:59,157
- 'God...
- 792
- 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,160
- where's the girl I married 25 years ago?
- 793
- 00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:04,788
- Like, you're old. You don't even know
- how to swim anymore.'
- 794
- 00:36:05,205 --> 00:36:07,540
- Or you looked over at me and thought,
- 795
- 00:36:07,624 --> 00:36:09,417
- 'Jeez, man. She does not rock a Speedo
- 796
- 00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,503
- like she did two decades
- and two kids ago.'
- 797
- 00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:14,047
- Like, that's
- what I'm telling myself right now, Steve.
- 798
- 00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:15,423
- Like, so what's going on?"
- 799
- 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,093
- And he looks at me, and he said,
- 800
- 00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:20,679
- "Look, I don't mind taking care
- of the kids, Brené."
- 801
- 00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:21,930
- And I was like, "What?"
- 802
- 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:23,431
- He said, "I don't mind taking care
- of the kids.
- 803
- 00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:25,975
- I know the kids want to spend all day
- 804
- 00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:28,311
- back and forth across this cove
- 805
- 00:36:28,395 --> 00:36:31,106
- because the pirate's treasure
- is on the other side.
- 806
- 00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:33,024
- I'll take all six of them back and forth.
- 807
- 00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:34,317
- I don't mind."
- 808
- 00:36:34,776 --> 00:36:38,113
- And, like, my first thought is,
- "There's been a neurological event."
- 809
- 00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:39,030
- [audience laughs]
- 810
- 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,534
- Which explains a lot of what's happening.
- 811
- 00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:46,204
- So I'm like...
- 812
- 00:36:47,372 --> 00:36:49,833
- I'm-- [chuckles] I'm scared a little bit.
- And I'm like,
- 813
- 00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:53,670
- -"Say more. Um..."
- -[audience laughs]
- 814
- 00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:58,007
- Resisting to go into, like, "Can you count
- backwards from by sevens?"
- 815
- 00:36:58,091 --> 00:36:59,926
- Like-- Like-- Going into, like...
- 816
- 00:37:00,802 --> 00:37:02,846
- a full-on intake process.
- 817
- 00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:05,598
- Um, and I was like,
- "Say more," and he said,
- 818
- 00:37:05,682 --> 00:37:07,308
- "Look, I don't mind taking them. I get it.
- 819
- 00:37:07,392 --> 00:37:09,644
- Like, you get to spend time
- with your sisters.
- 820
- 00:37:09,728 --> 00:37:11,438
- The other dads are not great swimmers.
- 821
- 00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:13,982
- I don't mind taking them across."
- And I'm, like, "Okay.
- 822
- 00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:16,860
- I am freaking out right now.
- What is going on?"
- 823
- 00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:18,361
- And he said, "Brené, I don't know.
- 824
- 00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:21,239
- I don't know what you were saying to me
- in the water.
- 825
- 00:37:21,322 --> 00:37:24,159
- I was just fending off a panic attack
- 826
- 00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:25,869
- and counting strokes."
- 827
- 00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:29,330
- And I said, "What?" And he goes,
- "I was just counting strokes, Brené.
- 828
- 00:37:29,414 --> 00:37:32,000
- I was just counting strokes.
- Fending off a panic attack.
- 829
- 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,377
- I don't know what you were saying to me
- in the water."
- 830
- 00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:39,299
- And so, all of a sudden--
- I'm starting to try to process everything.
- 831
- 00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:42,260
- Any competitive swimmers here,
- ex-competitive swimmers?
- 832
- 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:43,720
- You know how when you learn--
- 833
- 00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,306
- You know, when you're a swimmer,
- and you're in a pool,
- 834
- 00:37:46,389 --> 00:37:50,018
- and then all of a sudden you're in a lake,
- it's anxiety-producing
- 835
- 00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:53,062
- because you-- It's not like a pool
- with a black stripe, and you see which--
- 836
- 00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:56,149
- It's like, release the Kraken.
- Like, you don't know what's in there.
- 837
- 00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,026
- You lose your sense of control.
- 838
- 00:37:58,109 --> 00:37:59,778
- When you have anxiety
- and you're swimming,
- 839
- 00:37:59,861 --> 00:38:01,696
- you usually just count strokes
- or count breaths.
- 840
- 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:02,989
- So I'm like,
- 841
- 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:06,868
- "Why-- Why are you counting strokes?
- Why-- What's the panic attack about?"
- 842
- 00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:10,580
- And he said, "I had a dream last night
- that I had all six of the kids,
- 843
- 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:13,958
- we were halfway across the cove,
- and a ski boat came,
- 844
- 00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:15,960
- and I waved it off,
- and it didn't slow down,
- 845
- 00:38:16,044 --> 00:38:17,921
- and I waved it off,
- and it didn't slow down again,
- 846
- 00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:19,839
- and it was coming straight at me
- and the kids,
- 847
- 00:38:19,923 --> 00:38:22,801
- so I grabbed all the kids,
- and I went as deep as I could go,
- 848
- 00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:26,304
- and I stayed there and stayed there,
- waiting for that boat to pass
- 849
- 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,765
- 'cause I knew it would kill us
- if it hit us.
- 850
- 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:32,560
- And I just was waiting,
- and then I looked at Charlie,
- 851
- 00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:37,065
- our son, and knew that if we stayed
- two seconds longer, he would drown.
- 852
- 00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:40,235
- And so I don't know
- what you were saying to me.
- 853
- 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,403
- I was just fighting off a panic attack."
- 854
- 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:45,198
- And so this made complete sense to me
- 855
- 00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:47,826
- because we had arrived at the lake
- on a Monday,
- 856
- 00:38:47,909 --> 00:38:49,786
- and this was our first weekend
- at the lake.
- 857
- 00:38:49,869 --> 00:38:51,162
- And we had gone to bed that night
- 858
- 00:38:51,246 --> 00:38:54,457
- talking about, "Hey, let's not tube
- or do anything like that.
- 859
- 00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:57,418
- Let's stay off the lake
- 'cause the boating and drinking is so bad.
- 860
- 00:38:57,502 --> 00:38:58,670
- And let's just stay close."
- 861
- 00:38:58,753 --> 00:39:02,006
- And we had gone to sleep talking
- about that, so that made sense to me.
- 862
- 00:39:02,674 --> 00:39:05,134
- So I looked at him, and I was like,
- 863
- 00:39:05,802 --> 00:39:09,222
- "Oh, my God. I'm so glad
- you shared that with me. Thank you."
- 864
- 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:11,057
- And he goes, "Bullshit."
- 865
- 00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:13,768
- -[audience laughs]
- -[Brené] And I was like, "What?"
- 866
- 00:39:13,852 --> 00:39:15,144
- And he said, "Bullshit.
- 867
- 00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:18,857
- And don't start quoting your research
- on men and shame to me, either.
- 868
- 00:39:19,148 --> 00:39:21,317
- That's bullshit. Here's what you want.
- 869
- 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:23,695
- You want the guy
- that, when the speedboat comes,
- 870
- 00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:25,238
- he takes all six of the kids,
- 871
- 00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:29,242
- throws them,
- then swims so fast, catches them,
- 872
- 00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,536
- sets them down on the rock
- 873
- 00:39:31,953 --> 00:39:34,497
- and then looks across the lake
- at you and goes,
- 874
- 00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:36,958
- 'Don't worry, little lady.
- I've got this.'"
- 875
- 00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:39,544
- He's like, "That's what you want."
- 876
- 00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:43,923
- And I was like, "Oh, my God." I mean...
- 877
- 00:39:44,924 --> 00:39:47,802
- We're in the perfect shame dance now,
- right?
- 878
- 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:51,639
- So when you think about feminine norms,
- 879
- 00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:55,143
- what's the number one shame trigger
- around feminine norms?
- 880
- 00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:59,522
- -[audience members speak indistinctly]
- -Body image. Appearance and body image.
- 881
- 00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:02,567
- And for masculine norms,
- it's don't be perceived as what?
- 882
- 00:40:02,984 --> 00:40:04,694
- -[audience] Weak.
- -[Brené] Right.
- 883
- 00:40:04,777 --> 00:40:07,322
- So here we are, in this complete...
- 884
- 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:10,491
- shame lockdown, right?
- 885
- 00:40:11,784 --> 00:40:13,077
- And so I look at him--
- 886
- 00:40:13,161 --> 00:40:15,330
- And, you know,
- I often say about these situations,
- 887
- 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,498
- "You show me a woman
- who can sit with a man
- 888
- 00:40:17,582 --> 00:40:21,169
- in real shame and fear and vulnerability
- 889
- 00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:22,879
- and just be with him,
- 890
- 00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:25,214
- I'll show you a woman who's done her work
- 891
- 00:40:25,590 --> 00:40:28,593
- and doesn't derive her status or power
- from that guy.
- 892
- 00:40:29,135 --> 00:40:30,428
- -You show me a guy--
- -[man] Whoo!
- 893
- 00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:31,512
- Yeah.
- 894
- 00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:33,431
- -That's a whoo, right? Yes.
- -[man] Yeah.
- 895
- 00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:35,642
- -[audience laughs]
- -[Brené] It is a whoo. It's whoo-worthy.
- 896
- 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:36,851
- Yeah, I like it.
- 897
- 00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:39,145
- You show me a guy
- who can sit with a woman
- 898
- 00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:41,522
- who's in real shame
- and fear and vulnerability
- 899
- 00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,441
- and not fix anything
- 900
- 00:40:43,733 --> 00:40:45,276
- but just listen.
- 901
- 00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:47,195
- I'll show you a guy...
- 902
- 00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:50,823
- who's done his work
- and doesn't derive his power and status
- 903
- 00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:53,952
- from being Oz, the fixer of all things.
- 904
- 00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:56,829
- You know? We got work to do, right?
- 905
- 00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,624
- So I looked at Steve,
- and this was the hard part,
- 906
- 00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,460
- 'cause I knew I had to be honest,
- and I said, "Look, ten years ago,
- 907
- 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,046
- I would have said the right thing
- based on the research.
- 908
- 00:41:05,129 --> 00:41:08,257
- And then, one or two days later,
- when you were not suspecting it,
- 909
- 00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:10,677
- you would have said, 'Hey,
- I'm taking the kids tubing.'
- 910
- 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:13,513
- And I would have said,
- 'Are you sure you're feeling up to it?'"
- 911
- 00:41:15,556 --> 00:41:16,683
- Which is crushing, right?
- 912
- 00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:23,690
- We usually reserve
- using people's vulnerability against them
- 913
- 00:41:23,773 --> 00:41:25,566
- for the people we love the most.
- 914
- 00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:28,194
- Why? Because...
- 915
- 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,905
- I mean, to be honest with you,
- 916
- 00:41:30,989 --> 00:41:34,659
- I wasn't raised with a father who modeled
- what vulnerability looked like in guys,
- 917
- 00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:36,869
- and it scares me.
- 918
- 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:40,999
- And that's why. We're scared
- when we see vulnerability in other people.
- 919
- 00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:42,875
- To be honest with you, we're just scared.
- 920
- 00:41:43,710 --> 00:41:45,378
- And I said,
- "I would have done that to you,
- 921
- 00:41:45,461 --> 00:41:49,465
- and God, if I start making amends now,
- and we're together for another 30 years,
- 922
- 00:41:49,549 --> 00:41:50,842
- it'll probably take me that long.
- 923
- 00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:54,512
- And, I guess, the most meaningful thing
- I can do is not do that.
- 924
- 00:41:55,013 --> 00:41:56,514
- Five years ago,
- I would've said the right thing,
- 925
- 00:41:56,597 --> 00:42:00,268
- and I think I would've maybe done
- the right thing, but today, Steve,
- 926
- 00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:03,021
- you are the most important thing
- in my life.
- 927
- 00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:07,734
- And to be able to see you and know you
- is the greatest privilege of my life,
- 928
- 00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:11,571
- and to be seen by you
- is the most important thing in my life.
- 929
- 00:42:11,821 --> 00:42:13,322
- We are all we have."
- 930
- 00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:17,869
- How many of you want more love,
- intimacy...
- 931
- 00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:20,163
- in your lives? Joy?
- 932
- 00:42:20,913 --> 00:42:22,749
- You can't have that
- 933
- 00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:24,751
- if you don't let yourself be seen.
- 934
- 00:42:24,834 --> 00:42:28,129
- How can you let yourself be loved
- if you can't be seen?
- 935
- 00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:29,422
- -Does that make sense?
- -[audience] Yes.
- 936
- 00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,258
- Vulnerability is the path
- back to each other,
- 937
- 00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,510
- but we're so afraid to get on it.
- 938
- 00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:37,513
- You know,
- and we end up hurting each other a lot,
- 939
- 00:42:37,764 --> 00:42:40,933
- and for me, that day changed everything
- in our marriage.
- 940
- 00:42:41,517 --> 00:42:42,769
- For one,
- I don't think we've had a fight
- 941
- 00:42:42,852 --> 00:42:45,354
- since that day where we don't say,
- "The story I'm telling myself,"
- 942
- 00:42:45,438 --> 00:42:48,441
- even if it's like,
- [angrily] "The story I'm telling myself."
- 943
- 00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:50,318
- -[audience laughs]
- -[Brené] Um...
- 944
- 00:42:50,985 --> 00:42:52,028
- For me, it was a great story
- 945
- 00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:53,696
- 'cause, it ended up,
- then we went upstairs,
- 946
- 00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:55,740
- he popped me on the butt with a towel.
- 947
- 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,242
- He said, "I love you. I see you.
- 948
- 00:42:58,326 --> 00:43:00,828
- You still rock the Speedo," which is love.
- 949
- 00:43:00,912 --> 00:43:02,038
- -[audience laughs]
- -Um...
- 950
- 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,790
- It's total love.
- 951
- 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:08,252
- We want it so bad, but we're so afraid
- 952
- 00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:10,213
- to let ourselves be seen,
- 953
- 00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:12,548
- and we're so afraid to see people.
- 954
- 00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:14,801
- But again, it's the only way back.
- 955
- 00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:19,388
- So let's look at some of the real,
- concrete issues around vulnerability.
- 956
- 00:43:19,472 --> 00:43:21,724
- So the thing that we tell ourselves is,
- 957
- 00:43:21,808 --> 00:43:23,643
- "Why do you want me to be vulnerable?
- 958
- 00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:27,814
- Vulnerability is like the gooey center
- of hard emotion.
- 959
- 00:43:27,897 --> 00:43:32,235
- Shame, fear, grief, scarcity.
- Why should I do that? Why should I--
- 960
- 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:33,361
- Why should I feel them,
- 961
- 00:43:33,444 --> 00:43:35,571
- and why should I let
- other people see them? Like,
- 962
- 00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:38,866
- I don't want to vulnerable.
- I want to armor up.
- 963
- 00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:40,535
- I want to stay protected."
- 964
- 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:42,495
- Here's the problem with the armor.
- 965
- 00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:44,455
- The problem with the armor
- is that vulnerability,
- 966
- 00:43:44,539 --> 00:43:47,500
- yeah, is totally the center of these,
- 967
- 00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:50,378
- but it's also the birthplace of these...
- 968
- 00:43:51,963 --> 00:43:53,631
- How many of you love someone?
- 969
- 00:43:55,341 --> 00:43:56,342
- Right.
- 970
- 00:43:58,094 --> 00:43:59,804
- Are you 100% sure...
- 971
- 00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:04,809
- that person will always love you back?
- Will never leave? Will never get sick?
- 972
- 00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:07,645
- How many of you have ever buried
- someone you love?
- 973
- 00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:10,857
- How many of you have lost
- someone you love?
- 974
- 00:44:12,984 --> 00:44:17,280
- To love is to be vulnerable.
- To give someone your heart and say,
- 975
- 00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,993
- "I know this could hurt so bad,
- but I'm willing to do it.
- 976
- 00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:24,203
- I'm willing to be vulnerable
- and love you."
- 977
- 00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,832
- And there is an increasing number
- of people in the world today
- 978
- 00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:30,001
- that are not willing to take that risk.
- 979
- 00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:32,295
- They'd rather never know love
- 980
- 00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:33,880
- than to know hurt...
- 981
- 00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:38,467
- or grief, and that is a huge price to pay.
- 982
- 00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:40,094
- Belonging.
- 983
- 00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:41,470
- We're wired for love.
- 984
- 00:44:41,554 --> 00:44:44,515
- We're hardwired for belonging.
- It's in our DNA.
- 985
- 00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:45,766
- And let me tell you,
- 986
- 00:44:46,142 --> 00:44:48,644
- we are in the midst of what I would call
- 987
- 00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:51,731
- a political and social shitshow right now.
- 988
- 00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:55,067
- -[audience laughs]
- -[Brené] It's a cultural nightmare. Um...
- 989
- 00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:58,029
- It is.
- 990
- 00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:02,700
- And we want belonging
- in the midst of this thing, right?
- 991
- 00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:04,118
- Let me tell you what belonging is.
- 992
- 00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:07,914
- The opposite of belonging,
- from the research, is fitting in.
- 993
- 00:45:09,207 --> 00:45:13,294
- That's the opposite of belonging.
- Fitting in is assessing and acclimating.
- 994
- 00:45:13,878 --> 00:45:16,172
- "Here's what I should say, be.
- Here's what I shouldn't say.
- 995
- 00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:17,882
- Here's what I should avoid talking about.
- 996
- 00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,801
- Here's what I should dress like,
- look like." That's fitting in.
- 997
- 00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:23,179
- Belonging...
- 998
- 00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:26,933
- is belonging to yourself first.
- 999
- 00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:30,019
- Speaking your truth, telling your story,
- 1000
- 00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:32,855
- and never betraying yourself
- for other people.
- 1001
- 00:45:33,314 --> 00:45:36,859
- True belonging doesn't require you
- to change who you are.
- 1002
- 00:45:37,276 --> 00:45:39,654
- It requires you to be who you are,
- 1003
- 00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:41,239
- and that's vulnerable.
- 1004
- 00:45:41,906 --> 00:45:46,035
- And then the last of this big list is joy.
- 1005
- 00:45:46,369 --> 00:45:49,747
- And I'm coming at you as someone
- who studies shame and fear and scarcity.
- 1006
- 00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:54,335
- I'm here to tell you that joy is
- the most vulnerable of all human emotions.
- 1007
- 00:45:54,585 --> 00:45:57,797
- We are terrified to feel joy.
- 1008
- 00:45:58,464 --> 00:46:01,926
- We are so afraid
- that if we let ourselves feel joy,
- 1009
- 00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:06,389
- something will come along
- and rip it away from us,
- 1010
- 00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:11,143
- and we will get sucker punched
- by pain and trauma and loss.
- 1011
- 00:46:11,477 --> 00:46:16,399
- So that, in the midst of great things,
- we literally dress rehearse tragedy.
- 1012
- 00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,944
- How many of you are parents
- in the audience?
- 1013
- 00:46:20,027 --> 00:46:23,489
- How many have ever stood over your child
- while they're sleeping and thought,
- 1014
- 00:46:23,572 --> 00:46:27,076
- [exhales] "I love you
- like I didn't know was possible"?
- 1015
- 00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:28,244
- And in that split second,
- 1016
- 00:46:28,327 --> 00:46:30,413
- you picture something horrific happening
- to your child?
- 1017
- 00:46:31,998 --> 00:46:33,958
- Ninety-five percent of parents do that.
- 1018
- 00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:35,584
- Non-parenting example:
- 1019
- 00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:36,836
- You wake up.
- 1020
- 00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,337
- You're like, "Hey.
- 1021
- 00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:40,548
- I feel pretty good. Working out.
- 1022
- 00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:43,050
- Family's good.
- 1023
- 00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:44,635
- House is good.
- 1024
- 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:46,262
- Holy shit."
- 1025
- 00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:48,347
- [audience laughs]
- 1026
- 00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:50,391
- Yes or no?
- 1027
- 00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:51,309
- [audience] Yes.
- 1028
- 00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:52,977
- [Brené] Like, "Oh, my God.
- 1029
- 00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:56,772
- What's gonna happen next?"
- We're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
- 1030
- 00:46:56,856 --> 00:46:58,190
- Here's a great example.
- 1031
- 00:47:00,985 --> 00:47:03,321
- The very first time I got to meet Oprah,
- 1032
- 00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:07,616
- got to fly to Chicago
- and do SuperSoul Sunday.
- 1033
- 00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:11,078
- So... [chuckling] I'm leaving the house.
- 1034
- 00:47:12,121 --> 00:47:14,707
- I get in the car
- that's gonna take me to the airport.
- 1035
- 00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,876
- I get out of the car,
- and I go back in the house.
- 1036
- 00:47:17,585 --> 00:47:20,838
- And I said, "Steve."
- And he goes, "Oh, God, no."
- 1037
- 00:47:20,921 --> 00:47:21,922
- [audience laughs]
- 1038
- 00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:24,091
- And I said-- No, really. I said,
- 1039
- 00:47:24,884 --> 00:47:27,720
- "The chance of me making it
- to Chicago are slim.
- 1040
- 00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:28,888
- [audience laughs]
- 1041
- 00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:32,016
- Because this is too good to be true."
- 1042
- 00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:36,145
- And he goes, "I hate it when you do this.
- I really hate it when you do this."
- 1043
- 00:47:36,228 --> 00:47:39,440
- And I was like, "I want you to remarry.
- 1044
- 00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:44,236
- I... I want you to find someone to love.
- 1045
- 00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,864
- I want you to wait
- an appropriate amount of time,
- 1046
- 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:49,575
- but I want you to find someone else."
- 1047
- 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:52,828
- And he's like, "I got it. Go," you know.
- And I said,
- 1048
- 00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:58,542
- "And I've been thinking about it a lot.
- In the right hand drawer of my study--"
- 1049
- 00:47:58,626 --> 00:48:00,920
- And he's like, "Oh, my God.
- 1050
- 00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:04,632
- Did you write a list of people
- you think I should marry?"
- 1051
- 00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:08,260
- And I was like, "No.
- 1052
- 00:48:08,344 --> 00:48:11,305
- But I wrote a list of people
- you damn well better not marry.
- 1053
- 00:48:11,389 --> 00:48:13,140
- [audience laughs]
- 1054
- 00:48:13,224 --> 00:48:14,892
- [Brené] Because I need to make sure...
- 1055
- 00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:19,105
- [audience laughs]
- 1056
- 00:48:20,481 --> 00:48:23,109
- ...that if you marry somebody
- on this list,
- 1057
- 00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:24,860
- I'll be back.
- 1058
- 00:48:26,779 --> 00:48:28,823
- And it won't be fun, like in the movies."
- 1059
- 00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:31,784
- And he's like, "You've gotta get
- in the car, or I'm gonna remarry.
- 1060
- 00:48:31,867 --> 00:48:33,077
- Like-- Like, go."
- 1061
- 00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:36,580
- How many of you do that thing?
- 1062
- 00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:38,165
- That foreboding joy?
- 1063
- 00:48:38,457 --> 00:48:42,420
- Because when we lose our capacity
- for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.
- 1064
- 00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:46,132
- It becomes scary to let ourselves feel it.
- 1065
- 00:48:46,215 --> 00:48:50,803
- And the research participants
- who had the ability to lean fully into joy
- 1066
- 00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:53,180
- only shared one variable in common.
- 1067
- 00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:56,100
- They only shared one thing
- across all the variables.
- 1068
- 00:48:56,183 --> 00:48:59,520
- The people who could really lean into joy,
- they didn't dress rehearse tragedy.
- 1069
- 00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:01,939
- They didn't practice the terrible things.
- 1070
- 00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:04,692
- They just leaned in. What do you think
- the one thing they share is?
- 1071
- 00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:05,776
- [man] Gratitude.
- 1072
- 00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:06,944
- Gratitude.
- 1073
- 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:09,947
- Gratitude. They practiced gratitude.
- 1074
- 00:49:10,531 --> 00:49:13,909
- Because here's the thing.
- Vulnerability has a real physiology.
- 1075
- 00:49:13,993 --> 00:49:16,078
- It has a real tremor.
- 1076
- 00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:17,746
- Something inside of us.
- 1077
- 00:49:17,830 --> 00:49:20,499
- When we feel vulnerable,
- our body is like, "Whew."
- 1078
- 00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:25,838
- Some people use that as a warning
- to start dress-rehearsing for bad things.
- 1079
- 00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:29,300
- Some of us try to use it
- as a reminder to be grateful.
- 1080
- 00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,844
- Like,
- I'll never forget standing at the door
- 1081
- 00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,722
- watching my daughter, Ellen,
- walk to the car
- 1082
- 00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,725
- with her boyfriend
- in her senior year to senior prom.
- 1083
- 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,769
- And I'm standing there,
- and they're walking towards his truck,
- 1084
- 00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:42,855
- and what's the only thing
- I'm thinking about?
- 1085
- 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,566
- -[audience laughs and mumbles]
- -Car crash, right?
- 1086
- 00:49:46,859 --> 00:49:49,528
- And I remember just going,
- "I'm so grateful. Y'all have fun.
- 1087
- 00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:53,699
- I'm so grateful. I'm super grateful for...
- 1088
- 00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:56,660
- being a part of this process.
- 1089
- 00:49:56,744 --> 00:49:58,120
- I'm grateful."
- 1090
- 00:49:58,496 --> 00:50:00,080
- Charlie, my son, was standing next to me,
- 1091
- 00:50:00,164 --> 00:50:03,292
- and he kinda looked around at Steve,
- on the other side, and he goes,
- 1092
- 00:50:03,751 --> 00:50:05,252
- "What's wrong with Mom?"
- 1093
- 00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:08,839
- And he said,
- "Let her keep saying how grateful she is,
- 1094
- 00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:10,883
- otherwise things will get
- really dangerous.
- 1095
- 00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,093
- Just, grateful. We're all grateful!"
- 1096
- 00:50:13,594 --> 00:50:15,596
- -[audience laughs]
- -[Brené] Um...
- 1097
- 00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:20,434
- But gratitude is also vulnerable, right?
- 1098
- 00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,228
- Gratitude is also vulnerable.
- 1099
- 00:50:22,311 --> 00:50:24,438
- Sometimes we're afraid to feel it
- 'cause we feel like,
- 1100
- 00:50:24,522 --> 00:50:26,524
- is that dangerous to say
- I'm grateful for something
- 1101
- 00:50:26,607 --> 00:50:29,902
- because then is someone listening
- and saying, "Ooh, I can take that away."
- 1102
- 00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,238
- Like, I don't--
- My God doesn't work that way.
- 1103
- 00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:34,448
- But sometimes I fear it anyway.
- 1104
- 00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:40,079
- I've had this incredible experience, um,
- doing this research over the past,
- 1105
- 00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:41,997
- I don't know,
- probably 15 years especially,
- 1106
- 00:50:42,081 --> 00:50:44,291
- where I've had the honor of sitting across
- 1107
- 00:50:44,375 --> 00:50:47,127
- from people who have survived
- tremendous things.
- 1108
- 00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:52,132
- Um, mass shootings,
- the death of children, genocide.
- 1109
- 00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:57,054
- And... really trying to understand...
- 1110
- 00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:02,101
- from them what we can do better
- collectively to show up...
- 1111
- 00:51:02,977 --> 00:51:04,770
- in a compassionate way.
- 1112
- 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,776
- And it's an interesting swirl of variables
- around joy and gratitude and compassion.
- 1113
- 00:51:10,859 --> 00:51:13,279
- And so, there are three things I learned.
- 1114
- 00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:17,157
- The first was,
- across all of these interviews,
- 1115
- 00:51:17,241 --> 00:51:18,367
- they said the same thing.
- 1116
- 00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:21,745
- No matter what the trauma was
- that they were recovering from, they said,
- 1117
- 00:51:22,246 --> 00:51:24,623
- "When you are grateful for what you have,
- 1118
- 00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:30,588
- I understand that you understand
- the magnitude of what I've lost."
- 1119
- 00:51:32,381 --> 00:51:35,884
- So often we're afraid to be grateful
- for what we have,
- 1120
- 00:51:35,968 --> 00:51:39,847
- especially in front of people
- who've gone through great trauma and loss
- 1121
- 00:51:39,930 --> 00:51:41,640
- 'cause we think it's insensitive.
- 1122
- 00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:44,602
- But it's really hard
- 1123
- 00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:47,062
- because for those of us
- who don't want to be grateful,
- 1124
- 00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:50,065
- to show a picture of our child to someone
- maybe who's lost a child,
- 1125
- 00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:51,942
- what they see is,
- 1126
- 00:51:53,277 --> 00:51:55,904
- "Not only are you not going to talk to me
- about your child,
- 1127
- 00:51:55,988 --> 00:51:58,616
- me talking about my loss
- and child is not on the table either."
- 1128
- 00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:04,163
- You know? So I think gratitude,
- in some ways, is healing for people,
- 1129
- 00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:06,498
- and we don't think about it that way.
- 1130
- 00:52:06,582 --> 00:52:08,542
- The second thing that I learned
- 1131
- 00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:11,754
- that changed me as well
- is this idea that when I said,
- 1132
- 00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:14,590
- "Tell me about the grief,
- the longing, the loss,"
- 1133
- 00:52:14,673 --> 00:52:18,052
- and they said the thing
- that surprised them the most
- 1134
- 00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:21,096
- was how they missed
- the ordinary moments
- 1135
- 00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:22,681
- more than anything else.
- 1136
- 00:52:23,515 --> 00:52:25,893
- That they missed the simple,
- ordinary things
- 1137
- 00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:29,521
- that they never really took notice of
- when they were happening.
- 1138
- 00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:34,109
- One woman told me, "I used to get
- these crazy texts from my mom
- 1139
- 00:52:34,193 --> 00:52:36,445
- because she never quite learned
- how to use her phone.
- 1140
- 00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:39,531
- And I was like, 'Man, learn how to use
- your phone, Mom, then text me.'
- 1141
- 00:52:39,615 --> 00:52:41,950
- And now I would kill for a text
- from my mom.
- 1142
- 00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:44,203
- I wouldn't care, you know,
- how many emojis were in it.
- 1143
- 00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:47,289
- Just something from my mom,
- but she's gone now."
- 1144
- 00:52:48,624 --> 00:52:49,458
- Or someone--
- 1145
- 00:52:49,541 --> 00:52:53,629
- A couple whose child had died of cancer,
- a four-year-old.
- 1146
- 00:52:54,755 --> 00:52:57,591
- And they said, you know, "We used to get
- on him all the time and say,
- 1147
- 00:52:57,675 --> 00:53:00,219
- 'Man, stop slamming the screen door.'"
- 1148
- 00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:03,472
- This was his, like--
- This was his signature move, you know.
- 1149
- 00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:04,807
- Just... [imitates door slamming]
- 1150
- 00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:07,601
- And he said, "Sometimes me and my husband
- just stand at the back door
- 1151
- 00:53:07,685 --> 00:53:10,688
- and just slam it for five or ten minutes,
- just to hear it."
- 1152
- 00:53:11,355 --> 00:53:13,941
- You know, there's these--
- And for all of us,
- 1153
- 00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:17,236
- I think, for me, the lesson was,
- and you can take it if it fits...
- 1154
- 00:53:17,945 --> 00:53:22,074
- I get so busy sometimes
- chasing the extraordinary moments
- 1155
- 00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:25,202
- that I don't pay attention
- to the ordinary moments.
- 1156
- 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:28,706
- The moments that, if taken away,
- I would miss more than anything.
- 1157
- 00:53:29,790 --> 00:53:32,626
- You know? My daughter has
- this really interesting thing.
- 1158
- 00:53:33,168 --> 00:53:34,169
- She was probably...
- 1159
- 00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:37,798
- ten, maybe nine at the time,
- 1160
- 00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,384
- and I picked her up from school
- in Houston, where we live,
- 1161
- 00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:43,595
- and we went to Hermann Park,
- and we were on one of those paddle boats.
- 1162
- 00:53:43,679 --> 00:53:45,681
- I brought some old bread,
- and we were feeding the ducks.
- 1163
- 00:53:45,764 --> 00:53:47,516
- I looked over and she was like this...
- 1164
- 00:53:48,892 --> 00:53:51,019
- I was like, "Are you okay?"
- And she goes...
- 1165
- 00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:53,522
- [audience laughs]
- 1166
- 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,191
- And finally, she said, "Yeah, I'm good."
- And I was like, "What are you doing?"
- 1167
- 00:53:56,275 --> 00:53:58,527
- And she goes,
- "I was making a picture memory."
- 1168
- 00:53:59,403 --> 00:54:02,531
- And I said, "What's a picture memory?"
- And she said, "Sometimes,
- 1169
- 00:54:02,823 --> 00:54:05,075
- when I'm really grateful,
- and things are just amazing,
- 1170
- 00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:07,286
- I close my eyes and take a picture memory,
- 1171
- 00:54:07,369 --> 00:54:10,873
- so when I feel lonely or things are hard,
- I can remember it."
- 1172
- 00:54:11,498 --> 00:54:14,877
- You know, I think the picture memory
- is a lot better than our phone.
- 1173
- 00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:19,631
- You know, I think taking a moment
- and just committing to just that feeling.
- 1174
- 00:54:20,299 --> 00:54:22,217
- What were we in, in that moment?
- 1175
- 00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:27,723
- The next thing which is really hard
- for me, and I'll be honest,
- 1176
- 00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:32,936
- is sometimes just do the joyful thing
- for the hell of it.
- 1177
- 00:54:33,020 --> 00:54:34,772
- Just choose joy sometimes.
- 1178
- 00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:38,192
- Just choose a thing
- that seems frivolous and fun
- 1179
- 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:41,987
- and has no ROI or payoff or upside.
- 1180
- 00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:44,239
- Just do the joyful thing.
- 1181
- 00:54:44,323 --> 00:54:46,950
- You know? And, you know,
- Stuart Brown, who studies play,
- 1182
- 00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:51,455
- defines play
- as time spent without purpose.
- 1183
- 00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:54,333
- -Like, I call that an anxiety attack.
- -[audience laughs]
- 1184
- 00:54:54,416 --> 00:54:58,378
- Like-- Like,
- I-- I have a hard time doing that,
- 1185
- 00:54:58,712 --> 00:54:59,880
- just choosing joy.
- 1186
- 00:54:59,963 --> 00:55:02,299
- But Charlie, who's 13 now,
- 1187
- 00:55:02,382 --> 00:55:05,803
- last year when he was in sixth grade,
- he came to me one day and he said,
- 1188
- 00:55:06,094 --> 00:55:07,763
- "I really need to up my grade
- in this class.
- 1189
- 00:55:07,846 --> 00:55:10,015
- I really want to do it."
- I said, "Your grade's fine."
- 1190
- 00:55:10,682 --> 00:55:13,852
- And he said, "No, I-- I think
- I really want to try." And I said, "Okay."
- 1191
- 00:55:13,936 --> 00:55:16,230
- A week later he comes home and said,
- "We got a huge project.
- 1192
- 00:55:16,313 --> 00:55:18,232
- It's a big one." And I said, "Okay."
- 1193
- 00:55:18,315 --> 00:55:20,776
- He said, "I was just gonna do it
- tomorrow morning before school,
- 1194
- 00:55:20,859 --> 00:55:22,694
- but maybe I should just dig in."
- 1195
- 00:55:22,778 --> 00:55:24,947
- And I said, "Okay. Let's do it."
- 1196
- 00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:27,825
- And he said, "It's an art project."
- I'm like, "Oh, my God.
- 1197
- 00:55:27,908 --> 00:55:30,702
- I have an art and craft supply
- addiction issue.
- 1198
- 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:33,997
- So I was like,
- "Let's go to the craft closet." Um...
- 1199
- 00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:37,626
- And so he had to make a gladiator helmet
- out of, like, paper.
- 1200
- 00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:39,920
- And so he starts making it,
- and I'm kinda watching.
- 1201
- 00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:43,465
- Every now and then I have an idea,
- and he's like, "Eh," which is good.
- 1202
- 00:55:43,924 --> 00:55:47,177
- And he's like, "You know, you're allowed
- to write something on it if you want to.
- 1203
- 00:55:47,261 --> 00:55:49,137
- Should I take a chance
- and write something on it?
- 1204
- 00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:50,848
- I have a funny idea,
- but it's kinda weird."
- 1205
- 00:55:50,931 --> 00:55:52,808
- And I was like, "Take a chance."
- 1206
- 00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:55,769
- So he writes on it, and he shows it to me,
- 1207
- 00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:58,647
- and his gladiator helmet says,
- "I run with scissors."
- 1208
- 00:55:58,730 --> 00:56:02,985
- -[audience laughs]
- -And I think it's really funny, right?
- 1209
- 00:56:03,485 --> 00:56:07,823
- So he takes it to school,
- and I'm like, "How'd it go?"
- 1210
- 00:56:07,906 --> 00:56:09,825
- And he's like,
- "Yeah, I think it was pretty good."
- 1211
- 00:56:09,908 --> 00:56:12,619
- The next day he comes home,
- and he goes, "Oh, my God.
- 1212
- 00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:15,163
- I won first place.
- 1213
- 00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:18,083
- The best gladiator helmet in sixth grade."
- 1214
- 00:56:18,417 --> 00:56:20,168
- And I was like, "Oh, my God, Charlie.
- 1215
- 00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:22,129
- Effort and you took a chance.
- 1216
- 00:56:22,212 --> 00:56:24,464
- Like, effort and taking a chance
- doesn't always pay off,
- 1217
- 00:56:24,548 --> 00:56:25,841
- but I don't see anything, really,
- 1218
- 00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:28,135
- that pays off without effort
- or taking a chance,
- 1219
- 00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:29,386
- so there you go." And he goes,
- 1220
- 00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:33,390
- "She said I could have points added
- to my final grade,
- 1221
- 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:35,100
- or, like, a secret treasure."
- 1222
- 00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:38,061
- And I was like, "Oh, how many points
- are you getting added to your grade?"
- 1223
- 00:56:38,145 --> 00:56:39,354
- He goes...
- 1224
- 00:56:40,439 --> 00:56:43,692
- -"What? I picked the secret treasure."
- -[audience laughs]
- 1225
- 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:48,071
- "Yes, that's good.
- 1226
- 00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:51,241
- Right on!" It was like a Pokémon pencil.
- 1227
- 00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:52,826
- I was like,
- 1228
- 00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:54,077
- "What?
- 1229
- 00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:57,706
- Secret treasure?"
- So now every now and then, I'm like,
- 1230
- 00:56:57,789 --> 00:57:01,627
- "I could do this and it could get me here,
- or I could just pick the secret treasure."
- 1231
- 00:57:02,210 --> 00:57:04,296
- The joy, right? Just the joy.
- 1232
- 00:57:05,631 --> 00:57:10,802
- Work is another place where vulnerability
- gives birth to really important things.
- 1233
- 00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:13,931
- Empathy, trust.
- 1234
- 00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:15,140
- Look...
- 1235
- 00:57:16,183 --> 00:57:18,143
- people call me all the time and say,
- 1236
- 00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:19,853
- "Can you come talk
- to our leadership team?"
- 1237
- 00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:22,940
- I spend about 90% of my time now
- doing leadership work.
- 1238
- 00:57:23,023 --> 00:57:24,399
- "Can you come talk to our team?"
- 1239
- 00:57:24,483 --> 00:57:27,402
- "What do you want me to talk about?"
- "Anything but vulnerability and shame."
- 1240
- 00:57:27,486 --> 00:57:29,655
- I'm like, "No, I'm not you."
- They're like--
- 1241
- 00:57:29,738 --> 00:57:32,157
- This is my favorite one.
- Someone said, "Well...
- 1242
- 00:57:33,116 --> 00:57:34,701
- fourth-quarter earnings."
- 1243
- 00:57:34,785 --> 00:57:37,079
- I was like, "I don't give a shit
- about your fourth-quarter earnings."
- 1244
- 00:57:37,162 --> 00:57:39,706
- Like, I'm like, "What am I gonna talk
- to you about?"
- 1245
- 00:57:39,790 --> 00:57:40,707
- They're like,
- 1246
- 00:57:40,791 --> 00:57:43,418
- "We have a huge creativity
- and innovation problem."
- 1247
- 00:57:43,502 --> 00:57:46,046
- I'm like, "But you don't want
- to talk about vulnerability?"
- 1248
- 00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:50,300
- No vulnerability, no creativity.
- 1249
- 00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:53,679
- No tolerance for failure, no innovation.
- 1250
- 00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:55,263
- It is that simple.
- 1251
- 00:57:55,681 --> 00:57:58,642
- If you're not willing to fail,
- you can't innovate.
- 1252
- 00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:01,979
- If you're not willing
- to build a vulnerable culture,
- 1253
- 00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:03,897
- you can't create.
- 1254
- 00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:06,024
- It's just that simple.
- 1255
- 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:09,486
- Inclusivity, equity, diversity.
- 1256
- 00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:13,573
- We're in the middle
- of really important movements right now,
- 1257
- 00:58:13,657 --> 00:58:16,576
- movements that I hope
- will change the world.
- 1258
- 00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:19,204
- Black Lives Matter, Me Too, Time's Up.
- 1259
- 00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:21,248
- -These are-- These are big...
- -[audience applauds]
- 1260
- 00:58:23,917 --> 00:58:25,419
- These are big movements.
- 1261
- 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:28,213
- Trans Lives Matter.
- These are movements that matter,
- 1262
- 00:58:28,797 --> 00:58:31,758
- and these are movements
- that have the potential to change things.
- 1263
- 00:58:32,718 --> 00:58:37,305
- What happens is, every organization
- I go into right now, they say,
- 1264
- 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,391
- "We don't know
- how to have these conversations.
- 1265
- 00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:41,268
- They're incredibly uncomfortable.
- 1266
- 00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:44,855
- We're afraid
- we're gonna say the wrong thing.
- 1267
- 00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:48,859
- We're afraid that what I say
- won't match my heart.
- 1268
- 00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:51,570
- I'll be taken the wrong way.
- 1269
- 00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:53,030
- People will make assumptions."
- 1270
- 00:58:53,113 --> 00:58:57,117
- And so, I think there's
- a very clear answer here, which is,
- 1271
- 00:58:57,993 --> 00:59:02,914
- first, to not have the conversations
- because they make you uncomfortable
- 1272
- 00:59:02,998 --> 00:59:04,916
- is the definition of privilege.
- 1273
- 00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:08,003
- Your comfort is not at the center
- of this discussion.
- 1274
- 00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:10,422
- Like, that is not how this works.
- 1275
- 00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:13,258
- It just doesn't work that way.
- 1276
- 00:59:13,341 --> 00:59:17,262
- Of course you're going to get your ass
- handed to you in these conversations.
- 1277
- 00:59:17,345 --> 00:59:20,182
- And the whiter, straighter, Christian,
- 1278
- 00:59:20,265 --> 00:59:22,934
- majority culture you are,
- the more mistakes you're gonna make.
- 1279
- 00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:25,187
- It's not a question about
- whether you have a bias or not,
- 1280
- 00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:28,982
- it's what biases do you have,
- and how many, and how bad, and how deep?
- 1281
- 00:59:29,066 --> 00:59:30,484
- That's going to happen.
- 1282
- 00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,904
- That's what we sign up for
- when we have these conversations.
- 1283
- 00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:38,450
- That's how it works. And then you listen,
- 1284
- 00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:41,203
- and you learn,
- 1285
- 00:59:41,286 --> 00:59:43,622
- and you don't hold the people accountable.
- 1286
- 00:59:43,705 --> 00:59:45,999
- You know, the people who are targeted
- 1287
- 00:59:46,083 --> 00:59:49,544
- by racism and homophobia,
- and heterosexism, and gender bias
- 1288
- 00:59:49,795 --> 00:59:53,215
- are not responsible...
- for initiating these conversations
- 1289
- 00:59:53,298 --> 00:59:55,634
- and building the tables
- where they should be happening.
- 1290
- 00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:58,136
- -[audience applauds]
- -That's not-- That's not how this works.
- 1291
- 01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:03,475
- We have to be able
- to choose courage over comfort,
- 1292
- 01:00:03,558 --> 01:00:04,976
- and we have to say, "Look...
- 1293
- 01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:08,563
- I don't know that I'm gonna nail this,
- but I'm gonna try
- 1294
- 01:00:08,647 --> 01:00:11,483
- 'cause what I'm sure as hell
- not gonna do is stay quiet."
- 1295
- 01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,402
- That's what we can't do.
- 1296
- 01:00:15,570 --> 01:00:17,489
- And so, yeah, you're gonna make
- a lot of mistakes.
- 1297
- 01:00:17,572 --> 01:00:19,074
- Yeah, it's gonna be uncomfortable.
- 1298
- 01:00:19,157 --> 01:00:21,284
- Yeah, you're gonna learn about blind spots
- 1299
- 01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,578
- that you didn't even know you had.
- 1300
- 01:00:24,663 --> 01:00:27,249
- And then you're gonna be grateful
- for that moment
- 1301
- 01:00:27,541 --> 01:00:29,084
- and take learning it...
- 1302
- 01:00:29,835 --> 01:00:33,338
- into your own hands, not make other people
- responsible for teaching it,
- 1303
- 01:00:34,506 --> 01:00:36,258
- and that's how we move forward.
- 1304
- 01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:39,594
- But if you think there's gonna be
- real conversation in this country
- 1305
- 01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:41,596
- or in companies or organizations
- 1306
- 01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:45,350
- around equity
- and-- and diversity and inclusivity...
- 1307
- 01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:48,228
- while you remain comfortable,
- 1308
- 01:00:50,021 --> 01:00:51,857
- that is not gonna happen.
- 1309
- 01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:53,400
- And it shouldn't happen.
- 1310
- 01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:56,444
- So when we build cultures at work,
- 1311
- 01:00:56,903 --> 01:00:59,406
- where there is zero tolerance
- for vulnerability,
- 1312
- 01:01:00,824 --> 01:01:06,037
- where perfectionism and armor
- are rewarded and necessary,
- 1313
- 01:01:06,872 --> 01:01:09,791
- you can't have these conversations.
- They're not productive.
- 1314
- 01:01:11,334 --> 01:01:15,463
- How many of you think, tomorrow,
- if I had a magic wand
- 1315
- 01:01:15,547 --> 01:01:18,633
- and I could wave it at where you work--
- it's your office--
- 1316
- 01:01:18,717 --> 01:01:20,343
- and tomorrow morning
- when you walked in,
- 1317
- 01:01:20,427 --> 01:01:24,806
- everyone in that office had the capacity
- for difficult, productive conversation,
- 1318
- 01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:27,475
- how many of you think
- things would change overnight?
- 1319
- 01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:30,687
- If everyone could have
- really hard conversations?
- 1320
- 01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:33,398
- We can't have them.
- You know what we end up doing?
- 1321
- 01:01:33,481 --> 01:01:36,735
- We end up talking about people
- instead of talking to people.
- 1322
- 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,278
- [scattered applause]
- 1323
- 01:01:38,361 --> 01:01:39,321
- And it's really--
- 1324
- 01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:42,866
- It's toxic. It just takes over culture.
- 1325
- 01:01:43,700 --> 01:01:45,827
- Giving feedback, receiving feedback,
- 1326
- 01:01:45,911 --> 01:01:48,622
- problem-solving,
- ethical decision-making...
- 1327
- 01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:51,041
- These are all born of vulnerability.
- 1328
- 01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:57,214
- I understand that work seems
- like a hard place to be vulnerable,
- 1329
- 01:01:57,297 --> 01:02:00,133
- but we spend
- more than half of our lives at work,
- 1330
- 01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,305
- and I've never met a single person
- or interviewed a single person
- 1331
- 01:02:05,388 --> 01:02:06,640
- in 20 years
- 1332
- 01:02:07,474 --> 01:02:10,852
- that had a joyful, wholehearted life
- that was miserable at work.
- 1333
- 01:02:11,686 --> 01:02:13,438
- That stuff will eat you alive.
- 1334
- 01:02:14,231 --> 01:02:16,816
- And we all have a responsibility
- to show up
- 1335
- 01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:20,487
- and bring our whole hearts
- and our whole selves to work
- 1336
- 01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:23,698
- and lean in to the tough conversations.
- 1337
- 01:02:24,115 --> 01:02:28,078
- Brave leaders are never silent
- around hard things.
- 1338
- 01:02:28,662 --> 01:02:31,039
- Our job is to excavate the unsaid.
- 1339
- 01:02:31,957 --> 01:02:33,917
- What is the thing that's not being said?
- 1340
- 01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:36,336
- And that requires courage
- and vulnerability.
- 1341
- 01:02:38,088 --> 01:02:40,382
- People ask,
- "Where do I start with vulnerability?"
- 1342
- 01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:43,301
- And the best place to start
- is dispelling the myths.
- 1343
- 01:02:43,385 --> 01:02:46,137
- So myth one: Vulnerability is weakness.
- 1344
- 01:02:47,222 --> 01:02:48,515
- I've spent a lot of time
- 1345
- 01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:51,142
- evangelizing around this,
- and here's the thing.
- 1346
- 01:02:52,143 --> 01:02:53,979
- I've cut it down to one question.
- 1347
- 01:02:54,854 --> 01:02:56,189
- And here's the question:
- 1348
- 01:02:56,773 --> 01:02:57,774
- Vulnerability...
- 1349
- 01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:03,905
- is-- the definition of it, from the data--
- uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure.
- 1350
- 01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:07,575
- So vulnerability is the feeling
- that we get when we feel uncertain,
- 1351
- 01:03:07,659 --> 01:03:09,577
- at risk, or emotionally exposed.
- 1352
- 01:03:10,954 --> 01:03:13,248
- So I was doing work with special forces
- 1353
- 01:03:13,331 --> 01:03:17,127
- maybe a year ago now,
- and I asked a question.
- 1354
- 01:03:17,544 --> 01:03:20,171
- Could anyone,
- any one of the troops in this audience,
- 1355
- 01:03:20,255 --> 01:03:22,299
- give me an example of courage
- from their life
- 1356
- 01:03:22,382 --> 01:03:24,968
- or something they witnessed
- in a colleague's life.
- 1357
- 01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:26,886
- A single example of courage
- 1358
- 01:03:26,970 --> 01:03:30,640
- that did not require uncertainty,
- risk, and emotional exposure,
- 1359
- 01:03:31,016 --> 01:03:32,767
- and there was just silence.
- 1360
- 01:03:32,851 --> 01:03:35,395
- And I waited, and it seemed
- like a long time, and finally...
- 1361
- 01:03:36,187 --> 01:03:37,981
- a young man stood up and said,
- 1362
- 01:03:38,690 --> 01:03:39,774
- "Three tours, ma'am.
- 1363
- 01:03:40,734 --> 01:03:42,861
- There is no courage
- without vulnerability."
- 1364
- 01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:48,074
- And so I would ask y'all, in here,
- give me a single example of courage
- 1365
- 01:03:48,158 --> 01:03:50,994
- in your life or that you've witnessed
- in someone else's.
- 1366
- 01:03:51,077 --> 01:03:52,579
- A single example of courage
- 1367
- 01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:55,999
- that did not require uncertainty,
- risk, or emotional exposure.
- 1368
- 01:03:57,876 --> 01:03:59,377
- I don't think you can.
- 1369
- 01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:01,921
- There is no courage without vulnerability.
- 1370
- 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:04,883
- Yet, how many were raised to believe
- that courage is an important value?
- 1371
- 01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:07,385
- That you should be brave with your life?
- Show of hands.
- 1372
- 01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:11,806
- How many of you were raised to believe
- that vulnerability is weakness?
- 1373
- 01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:18,897
- Here's the rub. Be brave,
- but never put yourself out there.
- 1374
- 01:04:20,273 --> 01:04:22,484
- We've gotta dispel the myth, right?
- 1375
- 01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:25,278
- Number two: "I don't do vulnerability."
- 1376
- 01:04:25,362 --> 01:04:27,697
- [audience laughs]
- 1377
- 01:04:27,781 --> 01:04:28,656
- Yes, you do.
- 1378
- 01:04:28,740 --> 01:04:31,368
- Anyone here manage to live
- to this point in your life
- 1379
- 01:04:31,451 --> 01:04:33,870
- without uncertainty, risk,
- or emotional exposure?
- 1380
- 01:04:35,455 --> 01:04:36,581
- No.
- 1381
- 01:04:36,664 --> 01:04:38,249
- We do vulnerability. And here's the thing.
- 1382
- 01:04:38,333 --> 01:04:40,377
- You only have two options. There's--
- You only have two options.
- 1383
- 01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:42,337
- You do vulnerability knowingly,
- 1384
- 01:04:42,420 --> 01:04:44,589
- -or vulnerability does you.
- -[audience laughs]
- 1385
- 01:04:45,840 --> 01:04:49,636
- Vulnerability shows up, and you--
- and if you don't know, just go home...
- 1386
- 01:04:50,178 --> 01:04:53,098
- and say, "Hey,
- do you think I do vulnerability well?"
- 1387
- 01:04:53,181 --> 01:04:55,642
- to someone you love,
- and then step back a couple steps...
- 1388
- 01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:58,061
- -[audience laughs]
- -...and take in the truth.
- 1389
- 01:04:58,937 --> 01:05:01,815
- You do vulnerability,
- knowingly or unknowingly.
- 1390
- 01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:04,442
- And here's the thing.
- Here's why we need it.
- 1391
- 01:05:06,778 --> 01:05:10,782
- Man, it is so much easier
- to cause pain than feel pain.
- 1392
- 01:05:11,908 --> 01:05:13,868
- And people are taking their pain
- 1393
- 01:05:14,411 --> 01:05:16,996
- and they're working it out
- on other people.
- 1394
- 01:05:17,330 --> 01:05:20,208
- And when you don't acknowledge
- your vulnerability,
- 1395
- 01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:23,002
- you work your shit out on other people.
- 1396
- 01:05:23,086 --> 01:05:26,047
- Stop working your shit out
- on other people.
- 1397
- 01:05:26,131 --> 01:05:27,799
- [audience applauds]
- 1398
- 01:05:27,882 --> 01:05:29,384
- Right? Stop.
- 1399
- 01:05:32,554 --> 01:05:36,099
- It's okay if you've got
- crazy stuff going on. Join the club.
- 1400
- 01:05:36,724 --> 01:05:37,809
- Like we all do.
- 1401
- 01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:41,771
- The difference is, don't offload
- your hard stuff on other people.
- 1402
- 01:05:43,690 --> 01:05:46,151
- Three: "I can go it alone."
- This was my favorite.
- 1403
- 01:05:46,234 --> 01:05:48,236
- One time after a talk,
- a guy came up to me and goes,
- 1404
- 01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:50,029
- "I'm gonna try it.
- 1405
- 01:05:50,363 --> 01:05:52,157
- I'm gonna try vulnerability...
- 1406
- 01:05:52,240 --> 01:05:53,491
- [audience laughs]
- 1407
- 01:05:53,575 --> 01:05:55,326
- ...but I'm gonna try it by myself.
- 1408
- 01:05:57,495 --> 01:05:58,788
- And I'm gonna see how it goes,
- 1409
- 01:05:58,872 --> 01:06:00,999
- and then I'm gonna try it
- with other people."
- 1410
- 01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:02,959
- And I was like,
- 1411
- 01:06:04,919 --> 01:06:08,590
- "I-- I don't think that's gonna work.
- Like, I don't know what that means."
- 1412
- 01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:09,507
- And he's like,
- 1413
- 01:06:09,591 --> 01:06:10,508
- "I'm just gonna...
- 1414
- 01:06:11,134 --> 01:06:14,971
- do it alone for a while." And I was like,
- "All right, you get back to me."
- 1415
- 01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:20,643
- We can't go it alone.
- We're neurobiologically hardwired
- 1416
- 01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:22,228
- for connection with other people.
- 1417
- 01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:25,231
- In the absence of connection,
- love, and belonging,
- 1418
- 01:06:25,315 --> 01:06:26,816
- there is always suffering.
- 1419
- 01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:28,943
- You can't go it alone.
- 1420
- 01:06:29,777 --> 01:06:31,613
- If you could,
- I would have found a way by now.
- 1421
- 01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:32,572
- [audience laughs]
- 1422
- 01:06:32,655 --> 01:06:33,698
- As an introvert...
- 1423
- 01:06:34,324 --> 01:06:38,495
- and somebody who loves humanity
- but is más o menos on people...
- 1424
- 01:06:38,578 --> 01:06:40,997
- -[audience laughs]
- -...I would have found a way.
- 1425
- 01:06:42,207 --> 01:06:45,293
- Number four: "You can engineer
- the uncertainty and discomfort
- 1426
- 01:06:45,376 --> 01:06:46,503
- out of vulnerability."
- 1427
- 01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:50,715
- I work a lot with tech companies
- in Silicon Valley and around the world,
- 1428
- 01:06:50,798 --> 01:06:54,093
- and they really want to engineer
- 1429
- 01:06:54,177 --> 01:06:57,555
- the uncomfortable part
- out of vulnerability,
- 1430
- 01:06:57,639 --> 01:06:59,516
- to the point where one of them said,
- 1431
- 01:06:59,599 --> 01:07:01,226
- "We're thinking about an algorithm...
- 1432
- 01:07:01,309 --> 01:07:04,354
- -[audience laughs]
- -...that could actually help you predict
- 1433
- 01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:07,690
- when it's okay to be vulnerable
- with other people."
- 1434
- 01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:11,569
- And I was like, "The minute it becomes
- comfortable, it's no longer vulnerability.
- 1435
- 01:07:11,653 --> 01:07:14,113
- Call it whatever you want,
- but don't use that name on your app."
- 1436
- 01:07:16,908 --> 01:07:18,910
- "Trust comes before vulnerability."
- 1437
- 01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:20,203
- This is a hard one, right?
- 1438
- 01:07:20,411 --> 01:07:23,248
- Like, do I trust you
- then I'm vulnerable with you?
- 1439
- 01:07:23,331 --> 01:07:26,125
- Or am I vulnerable with you,
- and then I learn to trust you?
- 1440
- 01:07:26,209 --> 01:07:28,127
- And the answer is "yes and..."
- 1441
- 01:07:28,211 --> 01:07:32,257
- It's a slow stacking over time
- of vulnerability and trust.
- 1442
- 01:07:32,549 --> 01:07:35,927
- We don't go out with,
- like, you know, the big guns, and like,
- 1443
- 01:07:36,010 --> 01:07:38,555
- "Nice to meet you. I'm Brené.
- Here's my darkest secret.
- 1444
- 01:07:38,888 --> 01:07:39,931
- Can I trust you forever?"
- 1445
- 01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,725
- We start with little things,
- and we build over time,
- 1446
- 01:07:42,809 --> 01:07:45,562
- and the more I share with you,
- and the more you honor that sharing.
- 1447
- 01:07:45,645 --> 01:07:46,854
- But here's the thing...
- 1448
- 01:07:47,564 --> 01:07:50,400
- you share with people who've earned
- the right to hear your story.
- 1449
- 01:07:50,483 --> 01:07:52,860
- Your story is a privilege to hear.
- 1450
- 01:07:54,153 --> 01:07:57,240
- You share it with people
- who've earned the right to hear it.
- 1451
- 01:07:57,448 --> 01:07:58,575
- You don't share it...
- 1452
- 01:07:59,576 --> 01:08:00,410
- just because.
- 1453
- 01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:03,496
- Vulnerability minus boundaries:
- not vulnerability.
- 1454
- 01:08:05,248 --> 01:08:07,375
- Last: "Vulnerability is disclosure."
- 1455
- 01:08:07,458 --> 01:08:09,335
- This goes back to the boundary thing.
- 1456
- 01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:13,089
- Live Tweeting your bikini wax:
- not vulnerability.
- 1457
- 01:08:13,172 --> 01:08:15,174
- [audience laughs]
- 1458
- 01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:19,095
- Sharing the intimate details
- of your divorce and your pain on Facebook
- 1459
- 01:08:19,178 --> 01:08:21,431
- for your kids to read,
- who are reeling as well:
- 1460
- 01:08:21,514 --> 01:08:22,473
- not vulnerability.
- 1461
- 01:08:23,474 --> 01:08:27,353
- Again, vulnerability minus boundaries
- is not vulnerability,
- 1462
- 01:08:27,437 --> 01:08:31,441
- and you don't measure vulnerability
- by the amount of disclosure.
- 1463
- 01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:36,404
- You measure it by the amount of courage
- to show up and be seen
- 1464
- 01:08:36,487 --> 01:08:39,240
- when you can't control the outcome.
- Does that make sense?
- 1465
- 01:08:40,950 --> 01:08:42,994
- Okay, we're gonna end with a story.
- 1466
- 01:08:43,786 --> 01:08:48,750
- So, Ellen, my daughter,
- decides to try swim team, and she tries--
- 1467
- 01:08:48,833 --> 01:08:50,960
- She decides to try a year-round swim team,
- 1468
- 01:08:51,044 --> 01:08:53,338
- which is a big commitment
- 'cause we have a rule in our house
- 1469
- 01:08:53,421 --> 01:08:55,840
- that if you try a sport,
- you've gotta finish the season.
- 1470
- 01:08:55,923 --> 01:08:59,135
- So she-- I'm picking her up
- one day from swim team practice,
- 1471
- 01:08:59,218 --> 01:09:01,429
- and she's-- she's young. She's probably...
- 1472
- 01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:05,725
- maybe fifth grade, and I can see--
- How many of you have had this experience?
- 1473
- 01:09:05,808 --> 01:09:09,395
- I can see from her silhouette
- in front of me
- 1474
- 01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:11,856
- when I'm still eight cars behind
- that she's crying.
- 1475
- 01:09:12,106 --> 01:09:14,359
- Like, I can tell by the way
- she's holding her body
- 1476
- 01:09:14,442 --> 01:09:15,902
- that things are not okay.
- 1477
- 01:09:16,235 --> 01:09:20,156
- So I get up next to her. She gets
- in the car, and she's crying, and I said,
- 1478
- 01:09:20,239 --> 01:09:22,408
- "What's wrong? What happened?
- What's going on?" She goes,
- 1479
- 01:09:22,700 --> 01:09:26,329
- "I have to swim the 100 breaststroke
- in the meet this weekend."
- 1480
- 01:09:27,205 --> 01:09:30,208
- And I'm thinking to myself,
- "No! Not the 100 breaststroke!"
- 1481
- 01:09:30,833 --> 01:09:33,461
- And I was like,
- "Man, that's a tough race."
- 1482
- 01:09:33,544 --> 01:09:35,838
- And she goes, "Mom, you know."
- And I was like,
- 1483
- 01:09:35,922 --> 01:09:38,591
- "That's a tough race, girl."
- And-- And here's the thing.
- 1484
- 01:09:38,675 --> 01:09:40,009
- Breaststroke is a hard stroke.
- 1485
- 01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:42,970
- It's like, one day it just comes together,
- and you get it.
- 1486
- 01:09:43,054 --> 01:09:46,391
- And like, the arms work
- with the frog legs, and it just happens.
- 1487
- 01:09:46,474 --> 01:09:50,853
- But until then, while you're doing it,
- you actually don't propel forward.
- 1488
- 01:09:51,354 --> 01:09:52,271
- Like, when you don't--
- 1489
- 01:09:52,355 --> 01:09:55,233
- You kinda go forward, then you come back,
- and then you go--
- 1490
- 01:09:55,316 --> 01:09:59,278
- And so, 100 yards is a long way
- for non-propelling.
- 1491
- 01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:03,658
- I'm dying on the inside
- 'cause, you know, like,
- 1492
- 01:10:04,659 --> 01:10:07,328
- I wasn't a great swimmer either,
- and I had those moments,
- 1493
- 01:10:07,412 --> 01:10:10,957
- and, like, what I want to say is,
- "Well, run away and don't worry about it."
- 1494
- 01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:13,209
- But I'm trying to be, like,
- the parent that--
- 1495
- 01:10:13,292 --> 01:10:16,045
- you know, the brave parent.
- I'm like, "It's a tough thing.
- 1496
- 01:10:16,129 --> 01:10:18,381
- Let's get home, get you showered.
- Let's talk about it.
- 1497
- 01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:19,841
- Let's talk about it with your dad."
- 1498
- 01:10:20,216 --> 01:10:22,343
- And so we get home,
- 1499
- 01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:27,140
- and she goes upstairs to take a shower,
- and she comes down, and...
- 1500
- 01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:30,435
- Steve's home, and we sit down for dinner,
- and, you know, she starts crying again,
- 1501
- 01:10:30,518 --> 01:10:33,646
- and she explains everything to her dad,
- and, you know, he's like,
- 1502
- 01:10:33,730 --> 01:10:36,733
- "Well, I think we respect your coach,
- and it's your coach's call,
- 1503
- 01:10:36,816 --> 01:10:39,944
- and I think you're gonna have to swim
- if that's the race you're put in."
- 1504
- 01:10:40,403 --> 01:10:43,364
- And, you know,
- very much we aligned on messaging,
- 1505
- 01:10:43,448 --> 01:10:44,991
- just like the books say.
- 1506
- 01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:49,412
- And so she-- she starts crying.
- And she goes up after dinner and I'm like,
- 1507
- 01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:51,289
- [grunts] "Curse you, Steve," and,
- 1508
- 01:10:51,372 --> 01:10:54,292
- you know, like, "You should have got her
- out of this!" Um...
- 1509
- 01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:56,919
- Then she comes back down real quick,
- and she goes, "So you're sure?"
- 1510
- 01:10:57,003 --> 01:11:00,465
- -I'm like, "We're sure. This is--"
- -[audience laughs]
- 1511
- 01:11:00,548 --> 01:11:03,760
- Yeah. So, but--
- But I said, "Don't you think, Steve,
- 1512
- 01:11:03,843 --> 01:11:05,762
- that she could take it up with her coach?
- 1513
- 01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:07,472
- If you don't want to swim it,
- take it up with your coach."
- 1514
- 01:11:08,264 --> 01:11:11,434
- She comes home the next day, and she said,
- "Coach Jason says I'm in.
- 1515
- 01:11:11,517 --> 01:11:14,270
- A hundred yards-- 100 yards breaststroke.
- I'm doing it."
- 1516
- 01:11:15,146 --> 01:11:17,106
- I said, "That's tough."
- Starts crying again,
- 1517
- 01:11:17,190 --> 01:11:19,567
- and she said, "My friend said
- 1518
- 01:11:20,109 --> 01:11:21,861
- that I could scratch my heat."
- 1519
- 01:11:22,945 --> 01:11:25,782
- And so what that means is,
- in swim meets, they'll call an event,
- 1520
- 01:11:25,865 --> 01:11:27,074
- like girls' 100 breaststroke,
- 1521
- 01:11:27,158 --> 01:11:29,911
- then they start calling heat.
- Heat one, heat two, heat three.
- 1522
- 01:11:29,994 --> 01:11:31,871
- And swim meets run like this,
- 1523
- 01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:35,124
- and a lot of the time,
- swimmers miss their call.
- 1524
- 01:11:35,208 --> 01:11:38,503
- And so, that's considered
- scratching the heat. So her friend said,
- 1525
- 01:11:38,586 --> 01:11:40,838
- "Just don't show up
- when they call your heat."
- 1526
- 01:11:41,214 --> 01:11:44,634
- Which I know all about
- because I scratched some heats in my day.
- 1527
- 01:11:45,218 --> 01:11:47,220
- [audience laughs]
- 1528
- 01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:49,806
- Only one or two, but for big races.
- 1529
- 01:11:50,389 --> 01:11:53,851
- And I said, "You-- You could do that."
- And she goes, "I could?"
- 1530
- 01:11:53,935 --> 01:11:56,813
- And I said, "You definitely could do that.
- I think it's a choice.
- 1531
- 01:11:56,896 --> 01:11:58,523
- You'll have to take that up
- with your coach
- 1532
- 01:11:58,606 --> 01:12:01,108
- if you don't show up on the blocks
- for, you know, for your race."
- 1533
- 01:12:01,192 --> 01:12:03,903
- And she said, "Will I get grounded here?"
- 1534
- 01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:05,863
- And Steve's like,
- 1535
- 01:12:05,947 --> 01:12:09,534
- "No. No. I mean, that's your choice,
- Ellen, you know."
- 1536
- 01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:13,120
- And then she just starts sobbing.
- She said, "I'll never win this race."
- 1537
- 01:12:14,038 --> 01:12:16,624
- And I said,
- "You will never win this race."
- 1538
- 01:12:16,916 --> 01:12:19,669
- I said, "That is for sure,"
- and I said, "But you know what?
- 1539
- 01:12:19,752 --> 01:12:22,630
- Sometimes winning is not coming in first.
- 1540
- 01:12:22,713 --> 01:12:25,508
- Sometimes winning
- is doing the really brave thing.
- 1541
- 01:12:25,591 --> 01:12:29,554
- Maybe winning for you is just
- coming off the block and getting wet.
- 1542
- 01:12:29,637 --> 01:12:31,430
- Maybe that's winning for you.
- 1543
- 01:12:31,514 --> 01:12:33,432
- Maybe that's what a win looks like."
- 1544
- 01:12:33,850 --> 01:12:34,851
- She goes,
- 1545
- 01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:38,771
- "So if I scratch the heat,
- I don't get grounded?"
- 1546
- 01:12:38,855 --> 01:12:41,941
- -[audience laughs]
- -[Brené] And I said, "Yes. Right. Yeah."
- 1547
- 01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:44,110
- So, it's meet day. We're there.
- 1548
- 01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:46,863
- They call the heat. No--
- We don't see Ellen.
- 1549
- 01:12:47,655 --> 01:12:49,365
- And then all of a sudden,
- at the last minute,
- 1550
- 01:12:49,448 --> 01:12:51,576
- she pops up on block number eight,
- you know,
- 1551
- 01:12:51,659 --> 01:12:54,245
- so Steve and I situate ourselves
- at the end of the thing,
- 1552
- 01:12:54,328 --> 01:12:56,581
- and then the gun goes off,
- and there they go.
- 1553
- 01:12:56,664 --> 01:13:00,293
- And I can see her,
- and she is struggling, and she's trying,
- 1554
- 01:13:00,376 --> 01:13:04,463
- and I can see, like, right kind of like
- at 75 yards,
- 1555
- 01:13:04,547 --> 01:13:07,383
- she checks the lanes,
- you know, 'cause she's in a far lane.
- 1556
- 01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:08,634
- She checks the lanes,
- 1557
- 01:13:08,968 --> 01:13:11,178
- and she gets this look on her face like,
- 1558
- 01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:12,889
- "I'm ahead."
- 1559
- 01:13:14,181 --> 01:13:16,684
- And-- And you can see, you know, like,
- 1560
- 01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:19,312
- "Oh, my God. I'm ahead!"
- 1561
- 01:13:19,395 --> 01:13:22,648
- And then you can see,
- as she's finishing the final 25,
- 1562
- 01:13:22,732 --> 01:13:26,402
- that she understands that there are
- no other swimmers in the pool,
- 1563
- 01:13:27,320 --> 01:13:30,072
- that she's been lapped so badly
- 1564
- 01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:32,408
- that the whole field is out of the pool,
- 1565
- 01:13:32,825 --> 01:13:34,577
- and that, in fact, when she finishes,
- 1566
- 01:13:34,660 --> 01:13:37,788
- not only are all the other girls
- from her heat out of the pool,
- 1567
- 01:13:37,872 --> 01:13:41,459
- the next heat is on the blocks,
- ready to go in,
- 1568
- 01:13:41,542 --> 01:13:44,253
- and people are just kinda watching
- but not watching.
- 1569
- 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,466
- And I can see her struggling
- to get out of the pool
- 1570
- 01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:49,800
- 'cause that's-- that was a big race.
- 1571
- 01:13:49,884 --> 01:13:52,595
- When you're not going anywhere
- for that long, it's a lot of work.
- 1572
- 01:13:52,678 --> 01:13:53,930
- I mean, it-- it's hard.
- 1573
- 01:13:55,139 --> 01:13:58,017
- And I can see her,
- and she stops by her coach.
- 1574
- 01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:00,770
- He kind of bends down on one knee,
- and you can see her talking to him,
- 1575
- 01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:03,648
- and he's doing this,
- and she's just shaking her head.
- 1576
- 01:14:03,731 --> 01:14:05,024
- And she didn't have her goggles off,
- 1577
- 01:14:05,107 --> 01:14:07,735
- and I know she didn't have her goggles off
- 'cause I know she's crying.
- 1578
- 01:14:07,818 --> 01:14:09,362
- And then she comes over and--
- 1579
- 01:14:09,445 --> 01:14:11,072
- You know, and her dad--
- And, you know, me and Steve,
- 1580
- 01:14:11,155 --> 01:14:13,616
- we were like mama and papa Phelps
- during this thing.
- 1581
- 01:14:13,699 --> 01:14:15,785
- It was like she was going
- for the Olympic trial.
- 1582
- 01:14:15,868 --> 01:14:18,746
- We were like, "Pull! Pull!"
- Like, you know?
- 1583
- 01:14:18,829 --> 01:14:21,540
- There's no one in the water but Ellen,
- and people are just like,
- 1584
- 01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,669
- "Wrap it up. Pull, whatever, just, like--"
- 1585
- 01:14:24,752 --> 01:14:26,128
- [audience laughs]
- 1586
- 01:14:26,212 --> 01:14:28,130
- And she comes over,
- and she pulls her goggles off,
- 1587
- 01:14:28,214 --> 01:14:30,049
- and she's just like--
- 1588
- 01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:33,719
- Just, I think, ashamed
- and tired and exhausted.
- 1589
- 01:14:34,136 --> 01:14:36,931
- And she said, "Can I say a cuss word?"
- 1590
- 01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:41,560
- And I was like, "Oh, hell, yes,
- you can say a cuss word."
- 1591
- 01:14:41,644 --> 01:14:44,063
- And she goes, "That sucked."
- 1592
- 01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:45,314
- [audience] Oh!
- 1593
- 01:14:45,398 --> 01:14:46,482
- [Brené] And I said,
- 1594
- 01:14:47,108 --> 01:14:49,193
- -"That really did suck."
- -[audience laughs]
- 1595
- 01:14:49,276 --> 01:14:50,611
- I said, "That sucked."
- 1596
- 01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:54,573
- And then she stopped for a minute,
- and she was looking down, and she goes,
- 1597
- 01:14:59,787 --> 01:15:01,956
- "But I was brave, and I won."
- 1598
- 01:15:02,039 --> 01:15:03,874
- -[audience] Ah! [applauds]
- -You know?
- 1599
- 01:15:08,587 --> 01:15:09,547
- And...
- 1600
- 01:15:11,298 --> 01:15:12,133
- Yeah.
- 1601
- 01:15:12,675 --> 01:15:14,844
- And, to me, she was brave, and she won.
- 1602
- 01:15:16,846 --> 01:15:17,763
- Here's the thing.
- 1603
- 01:15:17,847 --> 01:15:18,889
- I'm not gonna bullshit you.
- 1604
- 01:15:18,973 --> 01:15:22,810
- Vulnerability is hard,
- and it's scary, and it feels dangerous,
- 1605
- 01:15:23,602 --> 01:15:26,480
- but it's not as hard, scary, or dangerous
- 1606
- 01:15:26,564 --> 01:15:30,735
- as getting to the end of our lives
- and having to ask ourselves,
- 1607
- 01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:32,486
- "What if I would have shown up?
- 1608
- 01:15:32,903 --> 01:15:37,158
- What if I would have said I love you?
- What if I would have come off the blocks?"
- 1609
- 01:15:38,701 --> 01:15:39,827
- Show up,
- 1610
- 01:15:40,578 --> 01:15:42,997
- be seen, answer the call to courage,
- 1611
- 01:15:43,581 --> 01:15:44,915
- and come off the blocks
- 1612
- 01:15:45,291 --> 01:15:46,459
- 'cause you're worth it.
- 1613
- 01:15:47,126 --> 01:15:49,503
- You're worth being brave. Thank y'all.
- 1614
- 01:15:49,587 --> 01:15:50,546
- [audience applauds]
- 1615
- 01:15:50,629 --> 01:15:52,631
- [cheering and whooping]
- 1616
- 01:15:58,929 --> 01:15:59,972
- [Brené] Thank you.
- 1617
- 01:16:04,810 --> 01:16:07,772
- Thank you! Thank y'all!
- 1618
- 01:16:11,317 --> 01:16:12,193
- Good night!
- 1619
- 01:16:19,033 --> 01:16:21,035
- [audience chattering]
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