"It is certain"
"Without a doubt"
"You may rely on it"
"You're better off buying lotto tickets."
"Ask a pet rock. I don't care."
"Yes definitely"
"YES, OKAY!"
"I'd bet on it. I also love gambing, and have lost only $5,000 this month due to bad bets! But I really feel confident about this one."
"It is decidedly so"
"asks the Magic 8 Ball a question, and... the Magic 8 Ball farts in your face."
"Yes! I mean no! I mean maybe! I mean... I DON'T KNOW!"
"No. I bet you were expecting a more exciting response, huh? Well, too bad. All you get is a no. So deal with it."
"That question is too insane for me, so I suggest you ask Tom Cruise instead."
"How the hell would I know? Let's just bring in the dancing lobsters and worry about this later."
"Depends. Is mayonnaise an instrument?"
"OBJECTION! ...Wait, nobody followed, and I'm not even supposed to give the notification when someone follows anyway. Dammit! Anyway, ignore my existential crisis; the answer is maybe."
"Yes, but only if you get up, spin around clockwise 45 times, and take a piss without missing the toilet bowl."
"Ohmygod, will you just, like, stop already $user? I'm trying to be a cool teenage 8 Ball right now. As if I'd answer."
"Only if you follow all of Cosmopolitan's advice 100%."
"About as likely as me liking Naruto. Which means no chance of happening."
"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha NO"
"Yes or no; it doesn't matter. What matters is if you love pizza enough. Right?"
"I'm sick of answering these questions. Instead, I ask YOU all a question - when was the last time you wore feeted pajamas??"
"As I see it, yes"
"*sigh* Yes. Are you happy now? You sound like my mother."
"Take three selfies. If the first one looks best, it's a no. If the second one looks best, it's a no. If the third one looks best, it's a no. If you thought, "Wow, this sounds stupid, 8 Ball," congratulations, it's a yes."
"It's the same as the answer to the question, "Can you dodge a wrench?""
"Why not? What's the worst that could POSSIBLY happen?"
"Well... do you have Amanda Huggenkiss available to ask?"
"Go read your astrological profile for today and see what that tells you. Yes, it's probably BS, but hey, I'm being lazy, okay?"
""Only if your first love was an anime character."
"Would Ozzy Osbourne say yes? Hmm... he probably would. So YES!"
"Outlook not good. Gosh, I sound like such a generic 8 Ball."
"Meh."
"No, but I highly recommend you consume real maple syrup at some point in your life."
"Only if the Simpsons had gotten canceled back in its prime. Which obviously didn't happen, so absolutely not."
"Are you smart enough to buy the orange properties in Monopoly? Then probably. Are you smart enough to not play Monopoly at all? Then absolutely, 100% yes."
"It's as much of a given as Homer Simpson eating donuts."
"*shakes own Magic 8 Ball* It is decidedly so. That's what MY Magic 8 Ball says, anyway."
"Try to type something to make Azure laugh. If she does, it's a yes. If she doesn't, I, the 8 Ball, will be disappointed in you and the answer is a no."
"Zero chance. Did you know zero actually has a really interesting history as a number, by the way? Check it out sometime."
"99.9999999% chance. Don't come crying to me when that infinitely small chance happens, though."
"*inserts Tidus' laugh* No way."
"asks the Magic 8 Ball a question, and... the Malibu Stacy says: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl."
"*shrugs* I guess."
"No comment."
"Yes, as long as you aren't one of those idiots that rounds your height by the nearest half-foot on online dating sites."
"As long as the temperature where you are is above freezing. So 32 degrees Fahrenheit, or zero degrees Celsius for you people who aren't stubbornly attached to archaic measures like America is."
"It's more likely than Yellowstone erupting in our lifetime."
"It's 50-50. Yeah, you probably wanted better odds, huh? But too bad. It's better than casino odds, at least."