Okay, here's the long of everything that happened between Cecilia and I. Keep in mind that some events might have been scrambled by the time it's been since they've occurred and others might be murkied by my emotions.

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To start, we pretty much have to go back to whenever me and Cecilia first met. Whenever you consider that to be is pretty vague. I've seen her and I occasionally posting on Oldflame about three years ago. You might also consider it to be the time when she joined the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky (DS) rescue group I was heading, which was in May of 2015 I believe. Or perhaps when I began to post on Games-'N-Things, a private board whose focus is on roleplays and the like, invited by a then-mutual friend Mizuno_Ami (also known as Miz, who is important to the story later on down the road), which happened around October of last year. Any of these dates is probably equally valid.

A key factor to consider is that while I did not know Cecilia on a personal level and neither she me, she already had a bit of a crush on me for some reason. From what we've discussed it was probably more in the vein of the whole "helper" thing - the FAQs and stuff I've written - though later events made that intensify.

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We reach December 2015 without significant incident. Eventually, Cecilia PMs me. If you've spent any real time on Warflame in the past three years, you probably have an idea for who Cecilia -- originally owner of the account Dark_Cecilia -- is like. She's a very depressed, suicidal, self-harming individual. This is pretty much common knowledge at this point (probably even moreso among the moderation staff since she's been hit more than once with a Blocked status).

December is when she began PMing with me and we began to generally converse. At some point these habits - which at the time I was ignorant to (I never really paid much attention to the users of Oldflame back in the day; hell, my current boyfriend was apparently posting alongside me and I never noticed!) - came up. Being the person I am, I offered her my support without question; a shoulder to cry, someone to talk to, that kind of stuff.

I never imagined what kind of whirlwind I was getting myself into...

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We begin to reach towards March 2016. By around this time me and Cecilia had exchanged phone numbers to ease communication. Her depressive and cutting spells began to get worse and my mental stability was beginning to suffer from it. My sister was a self-harming individual as well and my decline is not unlike after I found out about my sister's self-harm and stopped her suicide attempt a while back. I began to show up to class less and less and my grades begin to drop. I spent most of my nights in a panic of sorts and my life began eventually revolving around trying to keep Cecilia safe and trying to help her even though she lives several states away from me. For what it's worth she WAS beginning to respond positively to a degree as the month ended...

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April. Just ... f*** April. April was probably no doubt the SINGLE WORST month of my life. I remember every damn second of that first week in particular.

April 5th was when something clearly was wrong. I was in my English class around noon when Cecilia began to have a really, REALLY bad depressive fit. She ended up going into her school's bathroom and cutting herself really bad, and sent me a picture no less. I think I threw up in the class (well, not openly; in my mouth and fled). I think I was in complete shock most of the day.

April 7th was worse. As you might imagine, being this close to an individual doesn't exactly bode well for people in a romantic sense. People grow closer in times of darkness, after all. Cecilia had begun to look up to me in a sense as an idol or even God Himself (I'm using her exact words here, we've had long discussions trying to sort out this mess). I don't know exactly how I thought of her, but I had a crush on her too. April 7th was the day she told me about her crush and I - for some motherf***ing insane reason - told her about the crush I had on her. Both were pretty bad - both in terms of intensity and the consequences that would be borne.

I suppose I should clarify the latter. See, while I was single (and had been for pretty much all my life), Cecilia at the time had a boyfriend. More on this later, but the point is I don't like crushing on someone who is attached. (At the time she'd made me to believe the relationship was 4 years going not the 1.5 it was.)

Later that evening Cecilia attempted suicide, by drowning. When she told me I absolutely f***ing snapped mentally. (I didn't get mad at her but I was shaking about it for the entire time and I think I missed class the whole following week.) I obviously had to her parents involved at this point, and I was a f***ing MORON for not doing so earlier: you see, Cecilia's parents were made to believe that she was no longer cutting and was properly taking her medications, neither of which were the case, and she absolutely refused to tell them whenever I tried. At this point, I did some doxxing to get her parents' home phone number. (Basically she had sent me a pic of her report card; I got her address from that and did some Google searching to get the home phone number.) I blackmailed her into telling with said number and she told her mother while I was on the line.

I still feel guilty about having to do that ... makes me feel kind of like a stalker ...

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The aftermath of the suicide attempt was absolutely wretched. I don't think I really ate or even left my room for pretty much the entire week following. But hopefully the drama was over and her parents would be involved and I could relax a little.

No.

Remember that Mizuno_Ami (Miz) girl I mentioned earlier? Miz was a friend of both of us and Cecilia had sent this Miz girl a PM which Miz misinterpreted to be that Cecilia had faked the entire suicide attempt and was not even cutting. Obviously that's completely untrue and I did my damnedest to prove that but Miz did whatever she could to harass Cecilia. She got multiple people to begin to harass Cecilia and basically torture her through the site and offsite, though no doubt Miz was the worst about it being someone we both trusted. Cecilia would go on to have wretched nightmares about Miz and ultimately have a mental breakdown in her AP Calculus AB exam and fail it because of Miz.

The torture lasted for two months until I drafted a compromise between the three of us, but other parties still insist on, to this day even, harassing Cecilia for her alleged lying. (I possess more than enough proof to say she isn't but no one gives a f*** what I think.) Miz would ultimately go on to harass other users, the mod staff, and me, and fell victim to a usermap axe a few days ago albeit for mostly unrelated reasons. I could go deeper on this drama but, like I said, it's unrelated.

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So, back to April. No, April isn't done, and here's where the troubles between me, Cecilia, and her boyfriend begin. There remained the obvious fact that I desired Cecilia in a romantic sense, and she very obviously did desire me. How do I know it was obvious?

Without real provocation -- I had told her before we should just try to crush our feelings for each other for the sake of her relationship -- she asked her boyfriend if he would be okay with letting me be a second boyfriend to her.

Yes. She actually did that.

I know because the next morning he sent me a PM.

I forget the majority of the contents but he obviously had a mistaken sense of the situation -- he told me to back off -- but I do remember one line very, VERY clearly.

It was, and I quote him, "If I lose her I'm killing myself."

So now not only was I desiring someone, but now I knew if those desires were acted upon I would be a murderer. Possibly twice over because Cecilia would no doubt kill herself if she perceived it to be her fault.

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That was when I knew I had to do more than back off. In my mind, I had to back out of this entire f***ing situation, for my sanity and our lives. (In retrospect, I doubt he at least would've killed himself but dealing with Cecilia's depression and Miz's offenses almost constantly throughout April wore me down extensively psychologically. I was by no means sane.)

Towards the end of April, around the 23rd I believe it was, I decided I would have to remove myself from Cecilia's life, permanently.

This did NOT go over well.

Cecilia had a complete f***ing breakdown it was beyond anything I've ever seen. She vented on a Discord chat and through texts to me. Several things came up at times. She intended to stalk me so I could no longer ignore her, she broke up with her boyfriend, and she professed her love for me. But this was on a GNT Discord chat as well (GNT = Games-'N-Things, that private baord with all the RPs she and I are on). This would become important in later drama.

Honestly, I'm not sure why my weakened self didn't take her at that time for myself. Really. I have no idea. I would only have slight reservations about saying I was in love with her at the time as well but for some reason I didn't take the offer. To this day I do not comprehend why. Part of that might be because of the stalking threats, and others might be because I realized I need someone more stable than myself in my life (thus my current boyfriend).

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Cecilia and her boyfriend got back together shortly after that. For some reason I got sucked back into the vortex as well a few days later, when - in our minds then - she and I were still better off being close together.

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May rolls around finally and I move out of college. Things are progressing smoothly on my end. I begin stamping out my feelings for Cecilia and eventually get to a point where I think I've succeeded. In the meantime my sister, aware of the situation in part, decides to help in her own way by setting me up with one of her friends.

Turns out, however, Cecilia and her boyfriend were moving on much more slowly from the incident. Cecilia still obviously had feelings for me; when I told her about the girlfriend (I had to explain my absences somehow and I hate lying, absolutely HATE it), her jealousy was extreme. Meanwhile, the boyfriend blew up on me inexplicably around the same time, trying to remind me that Cecilia was his and all that, and ... well ... let's say the results were more negative than I could've thought. How they were negative I won't say but let's just say that because of it all my sister wants to bash Cecilia's boyfriend's head in ... and honestly, I probably wouldn't stop her. ... Please don't judge, it was really, really bad, I'm still trying to deal with it...

The jealousy from Cecilia got extreme to the point it upset me. And again, because I refuse to fudge the truth, though I probably should've just refused to tell her, when my girlfriend asked what was going on... well, she thought the entire incident was something about crazy exes, stormed out, and broke up with me.

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June rolls around. Things might be looking up for me as Cecilia sends me a birthday gift and the drama is slowly moving behind us and the compromise with Miz completed.

Nope.

Few days later we had a major fight. The big thing was that Cecilia was continuing to be flirty and still obviously had feelings for me. (She doesn't have a flirty personality, just trust me.) It got to the point where the obvious question had to be asked - whether she had feelings for me and whether she intended to act on them because I refused to continue being strung along like this, in a perpetual state where I want a relationship with someone but my closest friend didn't want me to be in one so I could practically play backup for her if her relationship failed.

Her answer was so confusing and full of so many contradictions it was ridiculous. She would say she didn't have feelings but quickly deny it, that she desired a relationship with me but then at the same time was just leading me on and trying to give me a taste of what love is like or something... I don't know, it was beyond confusing.

At this point I was like "f*** it, I can't deal with this" and we broke off contact for a while. Honestly, it was less an angry "f*** it" than "I can't deal with this anymore". I was extremely depressed and suicidal for a good few weeks, to the point that my sister practically became more a nurse to me than anything for a while.

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It was about mid-July or so after her seizure that we began talking again. She, I, and her boyfriend had a LONG talk and I chewed both of their asses out for the hell they'd put me throw over the past few months. For what it's worth, she seems to genuinely regret her actions. (Hell, she ended up cutting herself VERY badly over it - like literally straight through the skin to the fat beneath. She even regards her epilepsy as a sort of karma for what's happened. Her boyfriend genuinely doesn't seem to give a s***, but that's fine, he can go f*** himself after what he did to me.)

Things remained relatively quiet for a few weeks.

Eventually, as a new RP was starting, someone told Cecilia and someone in turn told me about a hidden Discord chat. See, GNT has a main Discord chat. But that chat was actually a ruse, a sort of wool over my eyes (and my boyfriend's and Cecilia's eyes and Miz's) to hide the real chat. The real chat was created after Cecilia's April breakdown; those who are members were forced to keep quiet about its existence. It was used, in theory, to just be away from all the drama. In reality it was used to ridicule the four of us behind our backs.

As it became obvious that the three of us knew of the chat's existence (Miz having since been axed), more stuff was happening in the background. Two people wanted to come clean about the lies. One person, the chat's owner, blackmailed one of them into shutting up, claiming they'd hurt Cecilia emotionally if they did. (How the owner intended to hurt Cecilia is irrelevant, but the point is they'd show her stuff that would ultimately f*** her up mentally, which it did.) Eventually, the pair came clean anyhow but as the discussion continued it seemed clear no one else would come clean. Cecilia was beyond convinced of the chat's existence and demanded answers; she began to get extremely worked up by the obvious lies - which were being perpetrated by someone she trusted and admired a lot no less. You can probably imagine how she reacts when she gets stressed - had I not gotten her parents involved (surprised they don't hate me by now...) she would've probably cut herself up bad.

Without her involved the drama eventually resolved and I told that motherf***er to, in effect, go f*** himself. It meant getting banned from an RP but to hell with it, you don't mess with me and my friends. >_>

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August rolls around. Insofar I can't recall any major incidents happening insofar - other than my boyfriend revealing his crush on me and asking me out, a sentiment which happened to be mutual. Since he's a friend of Cecilia's as well that obviously means she knows - she apparently knew we both have had a thing for each other since June - but at least she's seeming to cope fine with it. I still question whether she possesses feelings for me but I doubt it which means hopefully the drama can be finally put behind us ... hopefully.

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So. That's our story.