I just don’t know what to do with myself
Prologue
Hello. My name is (something). I’m as plain as plain can be without being called Jane. I couldn’t even start my introduction with anything more exciting than “Hello”. It’s amazing when every 24 hours you live seem exactly the same as the previous and the 24 before and before. Even my lunches are close to the same: plain sandwich, plain green apple, plain yoghurt and plain box of raisins.
Wake up and lie in bed staring at the ceiling for 10 minutes before changing into my uniform and heading to the bathroom.
Toothpaste – Plain (Not even whitening or 12 hour protection)
I look at my plain flat black hair in my plain rectangular mirror, stare into my dull brown eyes and sigh.
My basic wooden apartment door closes behind me as I leave to attend school. Walking down the cold stone gray steps of the subway, head down, watching the ground in front of me as I walk. Grimy silver doors open allowing entrance to the long vehicle equipped with dirty green seats and dim white lights. The clash of the wheels on the tracks synchronized with my heart beat.

My eyes pan over the passengers in the carriage, out of the 15 people on the train: 11 of them were wearing shades instead of colours, 5 were reading newspaper and 1 was smiling. A little girl dressed to her toes in pink sparking material, grinning at her mother. The two of them share a wide smile as they take turns passing gummy candy between them. She carefully fed her mother a soft candy, laughed and clapped her hands together.

I hoped to myself that when she grew up that she would treasure her mother.

Chapter one: Seven
Ever since I was seven I’ve been alone in this world. My mother couldn’t stand having to see the face of an unwanted daughter every day. One day she just disappeared, I sat watching through the kitchen window waiting for her to come through the door and say “Sorry I’ve been away!” then hold me to her chest and promise to never leave me alone again but that day never came.  As I waited I got colder and sadder, I refused to take a shower as if being away from that window would mean that I would miss my mother if she came home.
Day after day my hope diminished and so did the food in our house. After 13 days there was a knock at the door, two men dressed in grey suits were standing at the doorstep holding hard looking leather briefcases. One of them asked me where my parents were but when they saw that I was alone they forced me to go with them to the police station where I was made to wait. Several hours later I was told to go with a man in blue uniform to a house where they said I would be staying, I was too scared to question about my mother so I just followed mindlessly.
The car pulled up outside a medium sized white house, there was a path to the front door and thin bare trees lined the fences. Abstractly shaped figures stood by the door but I was too tired to focus.
I later knew those figures as Gabriel and Michelle, I always use to think that they were either oblivious to the world around them or just so happy together that they don’t frown. They weren’t horrible to me but I never felt truly connected to them, Michelle wasn’t about to have kids thus adoption seemed to be the only option for her.
They sent me to a school close to the house, it was fairly small and a few blocks down from the house so I walked to school and walked back home. The teacher obviously knew of my situation at the time, she would often check on me and encourage other kids to play with me. I didn’t want the other kids, I wanted my mother. I sat alone at lunch and drew pictures of flowers during play time. Soon the teacher began to accept the fact I didn’t want to read books with the other kids or paint with them. I was coping by myself and was more than happy on my own.
A few months after I moved in with my foster parents I learnt the meaning of the word fear, Gabriel’s office was closing down and he had trouble finding a new job. Often he would come home late at night, of course I didn’t know what alcohol and intoxication was at the time but Gabriel taught me.
One night he came home holding a bottle and yelling loudly, Michelle had locked herself in the bathroom while screaming at him to calm down. Woken by the yelling I made my way to the living room where Gabriel was standing, His eyes were bloodshot with fury, I could smell the sharp alcohol scent while he spat out his words.
“What are you looking at?
He held my face with his large rough hands and forced me to look him in the eyes. I didn’t know how to respond, I was cold and scared that Gabriel was going to hurt me at any minute.
“ANSWER ME!”
He shook me back and forward like a rag doll, then forced my mouth open and poured some whiskey into my mouth. The alcohol burned my mouth and I gaged and spluttered but he wouldn’t let go of me.
“No wonder your mother ditched you.”
He threw me to a side with minimal effort and I laid there dead still hoping that he wouldn’t touch me again. Michelle came an hour later explaining that Gabriel was asleep in bed and helped clean the vile odor off my clothes and told me to go back to bed. For the rest of that night the memory looped inside my head, Every time I tried to close my eyes I only say Gabriel’s face hovering over mine, staring me down with his burning eyes.
Chapter Two: Sixteen
When I turned sixteen my life began to turn into more of a routine and hiding away from Gabriel became a main strategy of survival. I watched as Michelle slowly began to break down and my heart became colder. Gabriel came home less and less at night and eventually on that one day we were visited by police men instead of Gabriel.
I didn’t cry at Gabriel’s funeral even though Michelle had been brawling for days, She was frail but if you looked close enough you could see the genuine sadness and loneliness behind her eyes. After the funeral Michelle came to me holding a large manila folder which she revealed to be emancipation papers.
“You’re more mature than any sixteen year old and I cannot look after you any longer.”
She told me that she was going to move to Africa to do volunteer work there to try regaining herself after the abuse Gabriel put her through and that she was able to convince the court to allow me to be emancipated. She used the last of her savings to buy a small apartment for me and said that the government would provide for my school fees.
The papers took a week to process and during that time I helped Michelle pack and she helped me pack. Gabriel’s pictures and memorable items were all put in a box and buried with him, for that week it felt as if I woke up from a bad nightmare, I’m sure Michelle felt the same.