Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Some_Ordinary_Guy Jun 21st, 2020 936 Never
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  1. >Today was just another ordinary day
  2. >The planet spun, the light shone in through my window, and my alarm was shrieking at me to get up
  3. >I slammed my fist down on the infernal contraption, hoping to whoever would listen for just a few more minutes of sleep
  4. >But the demon clock had awoken me, I might as well just get up now
  5. >I pulled the curtains to see the street below me
  6. >It was like any other street on a weekday morning, shops were opening, people were hurrying to work, that sort of thing
  7. >Being a NEET of the highest caliber, I chuckled as I poured a bowl of cereal
  8. >My life was one of frivolities and fun, sure, to many it would be a rather unfulfilling life, but I’m happy so screw em
  9. >As I make my way to the RGB illuminated gaming rig, my thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash and the subsequent violent shaking
  10. >Remembering what I learnt at school, I jumped under the table (clearing away the pizza boxes) and held on for dear life
  11. >The shaking lasted far longer than it should have, going on for well over 2 minutes, it was definitely as abnormal as an earthquake could be
  12. >The shaking slowly subsides as I peek out of my table-fort
  13. >The first thing I see is that the sky is red
  14. >**Fucking red**
  15. >It appears as if the apocalypse has come for us, looks like the christfags were right about something for once
  16. >With no other options, I lock the door, barricade it with as much furniture as possible and close the curtains
  17. >It probably won’t stop a demon, but the assumption of security is protection within itself
  18. >I’ve got nothing else to do, might as well go back to sleep
  19. >Hear screaming outside
  20. >Curiosity is too strong, decide to look outside
  21. >See honest-to-god succubi dragging men out off the streets and doing god-knows-what to them
  22. >See actual hellhounds (or what seem to be hellhounds with the black fur and fire eyes) doing the same
  23. >Albeit with much less concern for the man’s safety
  24. >Yep, this is the apocalypse alright
  25. >Really decide to get some sleep, maybe they’ll leave me alone if the room seems empty
  26. >Fall asleep to the collective screams of a dying civilization
  27. >Wake up to hear banging on the door
  28. >Oh shit
  29. <”Definitely smells like there’s one in here”
  30. >That voice sounds a lot different than what I was expecting
  31. >I expected something harsh and sinister, something that sounded like dread and fear incarnate
  32. >This voice sounded relatively normal, if a little husky
  33. <”Yeah, but the door’s sealed tight and we have about a hundred more rooms to check in this building alone, we’ll skip it for now”
  34. >If the first voice was a bit weird, this one was downright bizarre
  35. >It sounded like a damn child, if said child was particularly eloquent
  36. <”C’mon, let’s just bust the door down and grab him!”
  37. >I tensed at the words, ready for some hulking behemoth to burst through like it was DOOM or something
  38. <”No! We’re supposed to be civilized, remember?”
  39. <”Fine, fine *no-chested bitch…*”
  40. <”**Excuse me!**”
  41. <”Nothing, nothing”
  42. >The sound of footsteps moving on let me know I was in the clear
  43. >It seemed like my impromptu blockade did the trick
  44. >With a relieved sigh, I trudge to the computer to see if the internet is still up and running
  45. >Surprisingly, yes, it is, though it is a tad slow
  46. >But after an apocalypse, I can put up with slower speeds
  47. >The news was downright freaky
  48. >From when I went to sleep, all manner of occult shit has been going down
  49. >The earthquake seemed to be caused by portals opening up in every major city in every country across the globe
  50. >Said portals expelled leagues upon leagues of what we would normally describe as monsters
  51. >From common monsters like succubi, harpies and zombies
  52. >To more eccentric creatures like what seemed to be sentient kelp and anthropomorphic scorpions
  53. >Every single one shared one defining characteristic
  54. >They were all stunningly gorgeous women
  55. >And they wanted to FUCK
  56. >Almost immediately after making first contact, they grabbed all single men (somehow able to tell that they were single) and proceeded to violently mate with them.
  57. >Armed retaliation was attempted, but when your rifle and bullet-proof vest are trying to get in your pants, it’s kinda hard to mount an effective resistance
  58. >The combined assault and non-standard (but ridiculously effective) means of disabling military hardware led to an absolute curbstomp of a victory for these monsters
  59. >Official estimates believe the entire confrontation lasted less than five hours
  60. >With the undeniable military might of the monsters, all major countries unconditionally surrendered, allowing monster’s to roam freely among the populace as long as they obeyed local laws
  61. >With the sobering realization that I’d just slept through the most important event in human history I decided to get some more sleep
  62. >What the fuck is my life even now
  64. -------------------------------
  66. >Wake up in my bed
  67. >The sun is streaming through my window
  68. >The sky is blue
  69. >With a nervous sigh I pull back the curtain
  70. >The streets seem normal, people are coming and going like every other day
  71. >With a small chuckle, I reason that it was just a really vivid nightmare and go to take a shower
  72. >But then I see a snake woman slither down the street
  73. >Then a dragon soars past at breakneck speed
  74. >It was not a nightmare
  75. >With my heartbeat racing, I jump onto the Uzbekistani cider brewing forum I frequent
  76. >Everyone is talking about their new waifus and how they met
  77. >Some are talking about how romantic it was and how they saw each other in the street and just *knew* it was them
  78. >Other’s posted pics of themselves in pelvic casts with their new wives giving a thumb’s up
  79. >Some more hidden groups were talking about the new powers they had due to being above the age of 30
  80. >People were shooting fireballs like actual wizards
  81. >Guess I have a reason to stay a virgin now
  82. >Unsurprisingly, clickbait articles popped up within hours with such *Insightful* titles such as:
  86. >Apparently there were *certain* people that didn’t like our new residents
  87. >The comments were almost always filled with men and monsters telling them to shut up and fuck off
  88. >My browsing was cut short by a knock at the door
  89. <”Hello! Andrew McAnnon? Are you in there?”
  90. >The voice sounded trustworthy, but I didn’t know who I could trust in this new world, so I decided to keep my mouth shut
  91. <”Sir, if you don’t answer the door, I’m legally obligated to break your door down”
  92. >With a grumble, I walk over, remove the barricade, and answer the door
  93. >Standing in front of me is an almost criminally attractive demon
  94. >Blue skin, red horns, the works
  95. ”What do you want?”
  96. <”Well, my name is Mylah, and I’m with the Department of Human-Mamono Integration!”
  97. “Never heard of it”
  98. <”Well that’s because it’s just been created silly!”
  99. ”Right, that brings me back to the first question, what do you want?”
  100. <”Well mister grumpy-pants, I’m here as part of the new census we’re taking”
  101. “Census? Wasn’t the last one a few months ago?”
  102. <”Well that’s your human census, we need to know different things about you”
  103. “Like?”
  104. <”I think it’s best if we do this inside, don’t you think?”
  105. >With a grunt, I open the door fully and gesture Mylah inside
  106. >The demon takes a seat on the couch, making sure to stretch as languidly as possible
  107. <”Now then, shall we start?”
  108. “I guess”
  109. >The demon then proceeded to run through all the usual things, my name, my age, my occupation, all the normal things a census should ask
  110. >Then things got weird
  111. <”Do you have a significant other?”
  112. “No”
  113. <”Really? Someone like you should have someone by now…”
  114. “I’m not a social person”
  115. <”Hm, very well then, do you have any notable fetishes?”
  116. “I’m sorry what”
  117. >She gave a deadpan stare
  118. <”I’m serious”
  119. “I guess I like muscles, and tall girls, is that want you want?”
  120. >Mylah chuckles
  121. <”That’s perfect, let me just check everything”
  122. >She looks over her notes, tapping her pen every now and again
  123. >Mylah stops suddenly, startling me
  124. <”Oh dear, this isn’t good…”
  125. “What? What is it!”
  126. <”Mr McAnnon, you have approximately 3 months to find a wife”
  127. >The statement seemed to pass through me
  128. “I’m sorry?”
  129. >Mylah purses her lips before showing the notes she had
  130. >It said in no uncertain terms that anyone above the age of 30 was to be considered to be “Evading matrimony” and taken in for “corrective proactive marriage”
  131. >In other words, get a wife or we will find you one, regardless of whether you want one or not
  132. <”I’m sorry Andrew, here’s a list of popular dating apps that should help you, I promise that if you try to find a wife, you won’t regret it”
  133. >Without a word, Mylah lets herself out, shutting the door behind her
  134. >Looks like my dreams of fireballs are out the window
  136. --------------------------
  138. >I just wanted to be a wizard, man
  139. >Now I’ve effectively been told that I have ¼ of a year to find the one I’ll spend the rest of my life with (if the monster’s lack of divorce statistics means anything)
  140. >After a few hours of moping, I decide to pull myself up and clear my mind of this mess
  141. >The fridge is looking pretty empty
  142. >Pantry too
  143. >Better go out and get some more food
  144. >The supermarket is close enough to walk to, but I better keep a low profile to prevent any “proactive marriages”
  145. >Pull on a generic sweatshirt, grab my card and set out on a quest for food
  146. >I quietly open the door outside, no one is out at this time
  147. >Quickly rush down the stairs and out through the entrance
  148. >The streets are still normal, sans dozens of mythical creatures wandering about like it’s no big deal
  149. >The amount of looks I was getting would have flattered me before all this
  150. >Now it’s nothing short of unnerving
  151. >I feel like a damn piece of meat
  152. >The sooner this is done the better
  153. >See a nun to my left, at least some people have some decency now
  154. >But then I see the tail, and the wings, and the cross-shaped cleavage window
  155. >It’s a damn dark priest
  156. >Just ignore her, just ignore her
  157. <”Ah, hello sir! May I interest you in the teachings of the Fallen God?”
  158. “No”
  159. >Shit, shit, shit, just keep walking
  160. <”Sir please, this is matter of eternal damnation!”
  161. >She’ll go away if you keep walking
  162. >The priest jumps in front
  163. <”Sir, I won’t take more than a few minutes, you need to listen to me!”
  164. >She won’t give up, will she?
  165. >With a resigned groan, I nod my head yes
  166. >The priest seems to squeak with joy and forcefully drags me into a random alley
  167. “Can’t we discuss your teachings on the street?”
  168. >The priest gains a disconcerting smile
  169. <”Well, I guess we could, but then I wouldn’t be able to get the *real* part of the sermon”
  170. >She giggled slightly as she moved to unzip my fly
  171. >My senses returned to me as I quickly pulled away and rezipped my pants
  172. >The priest’s face wore a mixture of shock and confusion
  173. <”Sir, the sermon wasn’t finished yet, what are you doing?”
  174. “I’m doing my shopping, and I don’t have time for a back-alley blowjob!”
  175. <”Back-alley blowjob? Honestly, my skills are far better than something so crass!”
  176. “Do I look like I care? Go find someone else to suck off!”
  177. >I bolted from the scene, hoping to lose her in the crowd
  178. >I’d later realize that we were in plain view, and not a single person came to stop us
  179. >But for the moment I just needed to get away from this weirdo priest
  180. >I saw her give chase for a few minutes before seemingly giving up
  181. >Now I just have to do the shopping without this happening again
  182. >This is my first fucking trip outside since this whole debacle and I’ve already been almost raped
  183. >This will inevitably happen for the next 3 months if I don’t get a wife
  184. >Fucking fantastic
  186. ~~~~~~~~~~
  188. >The man that just ran away from me was quite peculiar
  189. >Quite peculiar indeed
  190. >If my mother and sisters were to be believed, men were always open to a good time
  191. >But this man seemed to be in complete opposition to that thought
  192. >His demeanor and appearance show someone who may have been socially awkward before we arrived
  193. >But the influx of women who would gladly treat him with the love he so desperately needs should have resulted in him being swiftly married
  194. >And yet he is most definitely single
  195. >Perhaps
  196. >Perhaps this is a sign from the Fallen God!
  197. >Perhaps this man is to be the one I spend eternity with in Pandemonium!
  198. >Just the thought of us eternally together in unholy bliss leaves me aching for more!
  199. >It’s decided! I must have him!
  200. >But I lost him in the crowd…
  201. >I’ll just have to wait for him to go past again
  202. >Though this moment of hardship may seem long, compared to the time we will spend in the Fallen God’s domain, this may as well be a mere moment
  203. >Don’t worry my love! I will wait for you!
  205. --------------------------------------
  207. >Just managed to escape from some wack-job priest who thinks that a quick succ in a seedy alley is enough for me to devote my life to some god I just now know exists
  208. >Yeah, nah
  209. >After several minutes of weaving in and out of pedestrians, I think I managed to lose her
  210. >Wait…
  211. >What was I doing again?
  212. >Oh right, groceries
  213. >These trips into town better not all be like this or else I might as well just lock myself in and await my fate
  214. >Don’t think about that, just focus on the here and now
  215. >The walk goes pretty fine
  216. >For approximately five minutes
  217. >Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something peculiar
  218. >A woman, wearing a bright white and gold robe, with a similarly colored miter on her head
  219. >Seafoam green hair tied in a braid, going down her back
  220. >If my knowledge is correct, that’s a sea bishop
  221. >A somewhat rare species, not helped by the fact that they mainly live underwater
  222. >They are capable of walking on land, but it isn’t something they usually do without a husband
  223. >Like a fool, my curiosity gets the better of me and I glance over at her
  224. >She just so happens to glance at me at the same time
  225. >Her pupils turn into hearts
  226. >FUCK
  227. >I book it, there is no way I’m dealing with another damn priest again
  228. >I duck and dodge through streets
  229. >With a smirk, I realize that I’m probably further from the store than when I started
  230. >When suddenly
  231. <”My love! Why are you running from me?”
  232. >I accidentally cornered myself
  233. >The bishop was blocking the exit, a look of crazed infatuation on her face
  234. <”Surely you remember me my love?”
  235. >I’ve never seen her in my life
  236. >She takes my silence as a no
  237. <”Oh, how cruel fate can be! To make my one true love forget his wife to be!”
  238. >Oh god, she’s going full yandere
  239. <”But that is no matter! I shall engrave every part of my being into your soul, until there is no doubt who your soulmate is!”
  240. >Did that demon send a fucking APB out on my dick?
  241. >I don’t have time for this, when I choose a wife, it will be my choice damnit!
  242. <”Just embrace me dear, and I shall spirit you away to a life of pleasure and comfort…”
  243. >She closed her eyes, clearly, she thinks I’ll just waltz into her arms
  244. >Not today!
  245. >Quickly sprinting past, I say, “Fuck it!” and make a beeline for the store
  246. >Part of me feels bad for leaving the bishop in the alley
  247. >But another, bigger part of me craves autonomy, and will not roll over for someone just because they say they are my “soulmate”
  248. >After a few minutes of running, the store is in sight
  249. >Hopefully, the ride eases up here
  250. >Oh, who am kidding
  251. >Fate clearly has it in for me today
  252. >Let’s just get this over with
  254. ~~~~~~~~~~
  256. >When I first saw him on the street, I was preaching the word of Poseidon to any who would listen
  257. >The goddess had decreed that the surface dwellers of this world were unhappy and overworked
  258. >They needed the everlasting love and peace that Poseidon’s embrace can give
  259. >At that point, I had successfully converted 22 people to Poseidon’s cause, 12 men and 10 women
  260. >But then I saw him
  261. >To anyone else, he would have seemed rather ordinary, perhaps a tad unkempt, but overall, fairly average
  262. >But not to me
  263. >The moment I saw him, I knew he was my betrothed
  264. >I’d been having dreams up to this point, wonderful dreams of me and a man, married together in a beautiful ceremony
  265. >The man across the street fit the man in the dream to a T
  266. >But there was a problem
  267. >He was surrounded on all sides by WHORES and HARLOTS who looked at him like a piece of meat rather than the blessed being he truly was
  268. >I had to save him! I had to save him and show him the everlasting love that I could provide him!
  269. >I ran after him, he seemed to lack endurance, but that would be fixed when he would become an incubus
  270. >After a few minutes of pursuit, I managed to find him in an alleyway, he seemed shocked at my sudden appearance
  271. >I’m not shocking, am I?
  272. >After regaling him of the love and comfort I would provide him, I opened my arms and waited for him
  273. >But I felt nothing but air rushing past me as he ran away
  274. >D-did he not want to be with me?
  275. >No! There must be something else!
  276. >Some THIEVING TRAMP must have sunk their claws into him!
  277. >I couldn’t have that, I’ll find where he lives and wait for him, or the SKANK that DARED TO SULLY THE PURITY OF MY BELOVED!
  278. >With the idea in my head, I headed off
  279. >Do not worry, my love!
  280. >You shall be reunited with me in mere moments!
  282. --------------------------------------
  284. >The shopping trip was rather uneventful
  285. >Even if the previous encounters had left me on edge
  286. >The monsters inside at least had the common decency to leave me alone
  287. >Even if the looks they give me aren’t quite as subtle
  288. >I gather everything I need and pay at the checkout
  289. >The succubus cashier was nice, she was flirty, but compared to the priest and bishop, she was practically a nun
  290. >A REAL nun, not this perverted shit
  291. >As I stepped outside, no one ambushed me, no one tackled me and declared their undying love
  292. >Perhaps now I can walk home in peace…
  293. >Not ten seconds after I finished that thought, a golden blur whizzed past my face, embedding itself in a nearby power pole
  294. >I looked up, searching the rooftops, when I saw it, or more specifically, her
  295. >The pink wings and beret marked her as a cupid, an especially powerful servant of Eros
  296. >She was armed with what looked like a modified crossbow, pink of course
  297. >After muttering what seemed like curses, she racked another bolt and aimed
  298. >Squarely at me
  299. >After cursing myself for foolishly believing I’d actually make it back home without being attacked, I bolted
  300. >No use trying to outmaneuver someone with wings, I just need to focus on making it back home
  301. >These may be rape-thirsty monsters, but they’re at least able to understand that B&E is a bad thing in this world
  302. >Several more bolts flew past, these ones were black
  303. >The first bolt was clearly a surprise attack, make a forceful declaration of love and spirit me away for snu snu
  304. >Now however, she clearly couldn’t waste any more confession arrows
  305. >These lead arrows were meant to incapacitate me, make me vulnerable to some cupid lovin’
  306. >Just as I was about to enter the door, a bolt grazes my ankle
  307. >All of a sudden, my loneliness crashes into me like a tidal wave
  308. >Decades worth of self-isolation, decades of rejecting any and all social interaction weighed on me, dragging me down
  309. >With a hollow chuckle, I realize why they’re called “lead” arrows
  310. >I pull myself up the stairs, barely keeping myself from bursting into tears
  311. >As I crest the final set of stairs, I see the dark priest from before
  312. >If I were in my normal state of mind, I might have told her to piss off
  313. >Now, I just needed someone to hold me, to tell me that everything was going to be alright
  314. >Upon seeing my crestfallen expression, the priest rushed to my aid
  315. <”My love! What’s wrong! What happened!”
  316. >I mumble something about needing some sleep
  317. <”Of course! I’ll get you in bed and we’ll cuddle, and you’ll say how much you love me and…”
  318. >Before she could continue that thought, another voice chimed in
  319. <”Get your hands off of him…”
  320. >I turned my head to see the cupid from earlier standing there, crossbow now discarded
  321. <”This is your fault isn’t it! You caused my darling grief and now he’s like this! Begone!”
  322. >You were almost touched by how much the priest cared about you
  323. >The cupid drew closer, a look of determination on her face
  324. <”If you know what I have done, you know he is mine, priest…”
  325. <”I saw him first you winged bitch! I won’t let you take my beloved!”
  326. >This was clearly escalating to something you couldn’t hope to control, even without the crushing weight of your accumulated loneliness
  327. >As the argument over whose husband I was raged on, I tried to make my way inside, to hopefully sleep this loneliness away
  328. >But as I was about to cross the threshold, a pair of finned arms encircled my waist
  329. <”You look terrible darling, let’s get you into bed to rest with your one true wife”
  330. >It was the sea bishop
  331. >The priest and cupid looked as I had sprouted another head
  332. >Then, almost as if on cue, they screamed
  334. >With a look of pure smug on her face, the sea bishop haughtily responded
  335. <”Why, I’m simply taking my darling to bed, since you two clearly didn’t care about him”
  336. >If the sight of her shocked the other two, this statement sent them into a burning rage
  337. >Almost instantly the dark priest was on my left arm, pulling and tugging like a woman possessed
  338. >The cupid was on my right, not pulling nearly as hard, but somehow managed to weave her fingers with mine in a sign of dominance
  339. >The bishop hadn’t gotten off of the floor, but was squeezing my waist to near bone-crunch levels
  340. >The combination of the three pulling on every part of me, the weight of my social failures and the headache from their continued arguing came to a boiling point and I erupted
  342. >The three looked like they’d been slapped across the face
  343. “I just want to sleep, please, for the love of whatever you believe in, leave me alone…”
  344. >The looks on their faces tore at my anger, I wanted to hug them and tell them how sorry I was, but I was still angry and tired
  345. >But mostly tired
  346. >With a small nudge, I made my way inside and locked the door behind me, eager to just sleep for a few days
  347. >The dreams that came that night were strange, but comforting at the same time
  348. >They consisted of me, in a bed with all three of the priests
  349. >It wasn’t sexual in any way, they were simply cuddling up to me, whispering how much they loved me
  350. >It was easily the nicest dream I’d had in a while
  352. --------------------------------------
  354. >The next day started normally
  355. >I had breakfast, showered, got dressed, as I normally would
  356. >But just as I was about to leave to get the mail, I stopped
  357. <”Quiet! He’s opening the door!”
  358. <”Don’t tell me what to do…”
  359. <”Just be quiet! We’ve already made a bad impression on my beloved, I don’t want to ruin it even more!”
  360. >With a sigh, I open the door
  361. >All three girls from yesterday are standing in front of the door
  362. >They all nod to each other before the cupid steps forward
  363. <”We would like to apologize for our actions yesterday…”
  364. >The dark priest steps forward
  365. <”Yes, I apologize for my actions, I see now that you are a man who values his freedom first, and you saw my advances as threatening that, I, and the other priests, wish to redeem ourselves for you”
  366. >The sea bishop moves up
  367. <”I too would like to apologize for yesterday and offer you a compromise”
  368. “A compromise?”
  369. >The cupid continues
  370. <”A week with each of us, to see who we really are, at the end you choose one to be your wife…”
  371. >They clearly care about me, and I REALLY don’t want to find out what happens if I wait too long…
  372. “Sure, I’m in”
  373. >It takes a few seconds for the words to process before they seem to explode with joy
  374. >It makes my heart flutter to see the looks of unrestrained joy on their teary-eyed faces as they hug me and say “thank you” over and over again
  375. >After a while though, I manage to pull them off
  376. “Ok, now how do we do this?”
  377. >The dark priest presents three straws
  378. <”I heard in this world you ‘draw straws’ to figure out things like this, so let’s draw straws to see who goes first!”
  379. >Closing their eyes, the cupid and sea bishop draw their straws
  380. >Upon revealing, the cupid had the longest
  381. <”So, I go first… I’d best make a good first impression, shouldn’t I?”
  382. >Dark priest was second
  383. <”Oh well, I’m sure I’ll knock the pants off of anything you’ve got cupid!”
  384. >Sea bishop was last
  385. <”Hmmm, I’d rather not go last, but I can manage”
  386. >The deal was set, you’d live with each of the priests as a pseudo-husband for a week
  387. >They would provide what you needed, so you only needed the essentials
  388. >And at the end, you’d pick one to be your eternally wedded wife
  389. >If only your mother could see you now
  390. >Dad would surely be giving you a thumbs-up with how many women were interested in you
  391. >As the girls were leaving you stopped them quickly
  392. “Hey! You never told me your names!”
  393. >A look of deep embarrassment came over the three
  394. <”My name is Ariana…” said the cupid shyly
  395. <”My name is Sybil!” said the sea bishop with some enthusiasm
  396. <”And my name is Raven” said the dark priest gently
  397. >With that, they left, blowing kisses as they went down the stairs
  398. >In three weeks’ time, I’m going to be married
  399. >I thinks it’s going to work
  400. >At least, I hope it’ll work
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