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Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Some_Ordinary_Guy Jun 21st, 2020 936 Never
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  1. >Today was just another ordinary day
  2. >The planet spun, the light shone in through my window, and my alarm was shrieking at me to get up
  3. >I slammed my fist down on the infernal contraption, hoping to whoever would listen for just a few more minutes of sleep
  4. >But the demon clock had awoken me, I might as well just get up now
  5. >I pulled the curtains to see the street below me
  6. >It was like any other street on a weekday morning, shops were opening, people were hurrying to work, that sort of thing
  7. >Being a NEET of the highest caliber, I chuckled as I poured a bowl of cereal
  8. >My life was one of frivolities and fun, sure, to many it would be a rather unfulfilling life, but I’m happy so screw em
  9. >As I make my way to the RGB illuminated gaming rig, my thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash and the subsequent violent shaking
  10. >Remembering what I learnt at school, I jumped under the table (clearing away the pizza boxes) and held on for dear life
  11. >The shaking lasted far longer than it should have, going on for well over 2 minutes, it was definitely as abnormal as an earthquake could be
  12. >The shaking slowly subsides as I peek out of my table-fort
  13. >The first thing I see is that the sky is red
  14. >**Fucking red**
  15. >It appears as if the apocalypse has come for us, looks like the christfags were right about something for once
  16. >With no other options, I lock the door, barricade it with as much furniture as possible and close the curtains
  17. >It probably won’t stop a demon, but the assumption of security is protection within itself
  18. >I’ve got nothing else to do, might as well go back to sleep
  19. >Hear screaming outside
  20. >Curiosity is too strong, decide to look outside
  21. >See honest-to-god succubi dragging men out off the streets and doing god-knows-what to them
  22. >See actual hellhounds (or what seem to be hellhounds with the black fur and fire eyes) doing the same
  23. >Albeit with much less concern for the man’s safety
  24. >Yep, this is the apocalypse alright
  25. >Really decide to get some sleep, maybe they’ll leave me alone if the room seems empty
  26. >Fall asleep to the collective screams of a dying civilization
  27. >Wake up to hear banging on the door
  28. >Oh shit
  29. <”Definitely smells like there’s one in here”
  30. >That voice sounds a lot different than what I was expecting
  31. >I expected something harsh and sinister, something that sounded like dread and fear incarnate
  32. >This voice sounded relatively normal, if a little husky
  33. <”Yeah, but the door’s sealed tight and we have about a hundred more rooms to check in this building alone, we’ll skip it for now”
  34. >If the first voice was a bit weird, this one was downright bizarre
  35. >It sounded like a damn child, if said child was particularly eloquent
  36. <”C’mon, let’s just bust the door down and grab him!”
  37. >I tensed at the words, ready for some hulking behemoth to burst through like it was DOOM or something
  38. <”No! We’re supposed to be civilized, remember?”
  39. <”Fine, fine *no-chested bitch…*”
  40. <”**Excuse me!**”
  41. <”Nothing, nothing”
  42. >The sound of footsteps moving on let me know I was in the clear
  43. >It seemed like my impromptu blockade did the trick
  44. >With a relieved sigh, I trudge to the computer to see if the internet is still up and running
  45. >Surprisingly, yes, it is, though it is a tad slow
  46. >But after an apocalypse, I can put up with slower speeds
  47. >The news was downright freaky
  48. >From when I went to sleep, all manner of occult shit has been going down
  49. >The earthquake seemed to be caused by portals opening up in every major city in every country across the globe
  50. >Said portals expelled leagues upon leagues of what we would normally describe as monsters
  51. >From common monsters like succubi, harpies and zombies
  52. >To more eccentric creatures like what seemed to be sentient kelp and anthropomorphic scorpions
  53. >Every single one shared one defining characteristic
  54. >They were all stunningly gorgeous women
  55. >And they wanted to FUCK
  56. >Almost immediately after making first contact, they grabbed all single men (somehow able to tell that they were single) and proceeded to violently mate with them.
  57. >Armed retaliation was attempted, but when your rifle and bullet-proof vest are trying to get in your pants, it’s kinda hard to mount an effective resistance
  58. >The combined assault and non-standard (but ridiculously effective) means of disabling military hardware led to an absolute curbstomp of a victory for these monsters
  59. >Official estimates believe the entire confrontation lasted less than five hours
  60. >With the undeniable military might of the monsters, all major countries unconditionally surrendered, allowing monster’s to roam freely among the populace as long as they obeyed local laws
  61. >With the sobering realization that I’d just slept through the most important event in human history I decided to get some more sleep
  62. >What the fuck is my life even now
  63.  
  64. -------------------------------
  65.  
  66. >Wake up in my bed
  67. >The sun is streaming through my window
  68. >The sky is blue
  69. >With a nervous sigh I pull back the curtain
  70. >The streets seem normal, people are coming and going like every other day
  71. >With a small chuckle, I reason that it was just a really vivid nightmare and go to take a shower
  72. >But then I see a snake woman slither down the street
  73. >Then a dragon soars past at breakneck speed
  74. >It was not a nightmare
  75. >With my heartbeat racing, I jump onto the Uzbekistani cider brewing forum I frequent
  76. >Everyone is talking about their new waifus and how they met
  77. >Some are talking about how romantic it was and how they saw each other in the street and just *knew* it was them
  78. >Other’s posted pics of themselves in pelvic casts with their new wives giving a thumb’s up
  79. >Some more hidden groups were talking about the new powers they had due to being above the age of 30
  80. >People were shooting fireballs like actual wizards
  81. >Guess I have a reason to stay a virgin now
  82. >Unsurprisingly, clickbait articles popped up within hours with such *Insightful* titles such as:
  83. “THE CUTE NEW FACE OF SEXISM? MONSTERGIRLS CAMPAIGN AGAINST FEMINISM'S ACHIEVEMENTS”
  84. “10 REASONS WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BE DATING MONSTERGIRLS”
  85. “FEMALE GENOCIDE? SCIENTISTS WARN THAT NUMBER OF HUMAN WOMEN SET TO PLUMMET”
  86. >Apparently there were *certain* people that didn’t like our new residents
  87. >The comments were almost always filled with men and monsters telling them to shut up and fuck off
  88. >My browsing was cut short by a knock at the door
  89. <”Hello! Andrew McAnnon? Are you in there?”
  90. >The voice sounded trustworthy, but I didn’t know who I could trust in this new world, so I decided to keep my mouth shut
  91. <”Sir, if you don’t answer the door, I’m legally obligated to break your door down”
  92. >With a grumble, I walk over, remove the barricade, and answer the door
  93. >Standing in front of me is an almost criminally attractive demon
  94. >Blue skin, red horns, the works
  95. ”What do you want?”
  96. <”Well, my name is Mylah, and I’m with the Department of Human-Mamono Integration!”
  97. “Never heard of it”
  98. <”Well that’s because it’s just been created silly!”
  99. ”Right, that brings me back to the first question, what do you want?”
  100. <”Well mister grumpy-pants, I’m here as part of the new census we’re taking”
  101. “Census? Wasn’t the last one a few months ago?”
  102. <”Well that’s your human census, we need to know different things about you”
  103. “Like?”
  104. <”I think it’s best if we do this inside, don’t you think?”
  105. >With a grunt, I open the door fully and gesture Mylah inside
  106. >The demon takes a seat on the couch, making sure to stretch as languidly as possible
  107. <”Now then, shall we start?”
  108. “I guess”
  109. >The demon then proceeded to run through all the usual things, my name, my age, my occupation, all the normal things a census should ask
  110. >Then things got weird
  111. <”Do you have a significant other?”
  112. “No”
  113. <”Really? Someone like you should have someone by now…”
  114. “I’m not a social person”
  115. <”Hm, very well then, do you have any notable fetishes?”
  116. “I’m sorry what”
  117. >She gave a deadpan stare
  118. <”I’m serious”
  119. “I guess I like muscles, and tall girls, is that want you want?”
  120. >Mylah chuckles
  121. <”That’s perfect, let me just check everything”
  122. >She looks over her notes, tapping her pen every now and again
  123. >Mylah stops suddenly, startling me
  124. <”Oh dear, this isn’t good…”
  125. “What? What is it!”
  126. <”Mr McAnnon, you have approximately 3 months to find a wife”
  127. >The statement seemed to pass through me
  128. “I’m sorry?”
  129. >Mylah purses her lips before showing the notes she had
  130. >It said in no uncertain terms that anyone above the age of 30 was to be considered to be “Evading matrimony” and taken in for “corrective proactive marriage”
  131. >In other words, get a wife or we will find you one, regardless of whether you want one or not
  132. <”I’m sorry Andrew, here’s a list of popular dating apps that should help you, I promise that if you try to find a wife, you won’t regret it”
  133. >Without a word, Mylah lets herself out, shutting the door behind her
  134. >Looks like my dreams of fireballs are out the window
  135.  
  136. --------------------------
  137.  
  138. >I just wanted to be a wizard, man
  139. >Now I’ve effectively been told that I have ¼ of a year to find the one I’ll spend the rest of my life with (if the monster’s lack of divorce statistics means anything)
  140. >After a few hours of moping, I decide to pull myself up and clear my mind of this mess
  141. >The fridge is looking pretty empty
  142. >Pantry too
  143. >Better go out and get some more food
  144. >The supermarket is close enough to walk to, but I better keep a low profile to prevent any “proactive marriages”
  145. >Pull on a generic sweatshirt, grab my card and set out on a quest for food
  146. >I quietly open the door outside, no one is out at this time
  147. >Quickly rush down the stairs and out through the entrance
  148. >The streets are still normal, sans dozens of mythical creatures wandering about like it’s no big deal
  149. >The amount of looks I was getting would have flattered me before all this
  150. >Now it’s nothing short of unnerving
  151. >I feel like a damn piece of meat
  152. >The sooner this is done the better
  153. >See a nun to my left, at least some people have some decency now
  154. >But then I see the tail, and the wings, and the cross-shaped cleavage window
  155. >It’s a damn dark priest
  156. >Just ignore her, just ignore her
  157. <”Ah, hello sir! May I interest you in the teachings of the Fallen God?”
  158. “No”
  159. >Shit, shit, shit, just keep walking
  160. <”Sir please, this is matter of eternal damnation!”
  161. >She’ll go away if you keep walking
  162. >The priest jumps in front
  163. <”Sir, I won’t take more than a few minutes, you need to listen to me!”
  164. >She won’t give up, will she?
  165. >With a resigned groan, I nod my head yes
  166. >The priest seems to squeak with joy and forcefully drags me into a random alley
  167. “Can’t we discuss your teachings on the street?”
  168. >The priest gains a disconcerting smile
  169. <”Well, I guess we could, but then I wouldn’t be able to get the *real* part of the sermon”
  170. >She giggled slightly as she moved to unzip my fly
  171. >My senses returned to me as I quickly pulled away and rezipped my pants
  172. >The priest’s face wore a mixture of shock and confusion
  173. <”Sir, the sermon wasn’t finished yet, what are you doing?”
  174. “I’m doing my shopping, and I don’t have time for a back-alley blowjob!”
  175. <”Back-alley blowjob? Honestly, my skills are far better than something so crass!”
  176. “Do I look like I care? Go find someone else to suck off!”
  177. >I bolted from the scene, hoping to lose her in the crowd
  178. >I’d later realize that we were in plain view, and not a single person came to stop us
  179. >But for the moment I just needed to get away from this weirdo priest
  180. >I saw her give chase for a few minutes before seemingly giving up
  181. >Now I just have to do the shopping without this happening again
  182. >This is my first fucking trip outside since this whole debacle and I’ve already been almost raped
  183. >This will inevitably happen for the next 3 months if I don’t get a wife
  184. >Fucking fantastic
  185.  
  186. ~~~~~~~~~~
  187.  
  188. >The man that just ran away from me was quite peculiar
  189. >Quite peculiar indeed
  190. >If my mother and sisters were to be believed, men were always open to a good time
  191. >But this man seemed to be in complete opposition to that thought
  192. >His demeanor and appearance show someone who may have been socially awkward before we arrived
  193. >But the influx of women who would gladly treat him with the love he so desperately needs should have resulted in him being swiftly married
  194. >And yet he is most definitely single
  195. >Perhaps
  196. >Perhaps this is a sign from the Fallen God!
  197. >Perhaps this man is to be the one I spend eternity with in Pandemonium!
  198. >Just the thought of us eternally together in unholy bliss leaves me aching for more!
  199. >It’s decided! I must have him!
  200. >But I lost him in the crowd…
  201. >I’ll just have to wait for him to go past again
  202. >Though this moment of hardship may seem long, compared to the time we will spend in the Fallen God’s domain, this may as well be a mere moment
  203. >Don’t worry my love! I will wait for you!
  204.  
  205. --------------------------------------
  206.  
  207. >Just managed to escape from some wack-job priest who thinks that a quick succ in a seedy alley is enough for me to devote my life to some god I just now know exists
  208. >Yeah, nah
  209. >After several minutes of weaving in and out of pedestrians, I think I managed to lose her
  210. >Wait…
  211. >What was I doing again?
  212. >Oh right, groceries
  213. >These trips into town better not all be like this or else I might as well just lock myself in and await my fate
  214. >Don’t think about that, just focus on the here and now
  215. >The walk goes pretty fine
  216. >For approximately five minutes
  217. >Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something peculiar
  218. >A woman, wearing a bright white and gold robe, with a similarly colored miter on her head
  219. >Seafoam green hair tied in a braid, going down her back
  220. >If my knowledge is correct, that’s a sea bishop
  221. >A somewhat rare species, not helped by the fact that they mainly live underwater
  222. >They are capable of walking on land, but it isn’t something they usually do without a husband
  223. >Like a fool, my curiosity gets the better of me and I glance over at her
  224. >She just so happens to glance at me at the same time
  225. >Her pupils turn into hearts
  226. >FUCK
  227. >I book it, there is no way I’m dealing with another damn priest again
  228. >I duck and dodge through streets
  229. >With a smirk, I realize that I’m probably further from the store than when I started
  230. >When suddenly
  231. <”My love! Why are you running from me?”
  232. >I accidentally cornered myself
  233. >The bishop was blocking the exit, a look of crazed infatuation on her face
  234. <”Surely you remember me my love?”
  235. >I’ve never seen her in my life
  236. >She takes my silence as a no
  237. <”Oh, how cruel fate can be! To make my one true love forget his wife to be!”
  238. >Oh god, she’s going full yandere
  239. <”But that is no matter! I shall engrave every part of my being into your soul, until there is no doubt who your soulmate is!”
  240. >Did that demon send a fucking APB out on my dick?
  241. >I don’t have time for this, when I choose a wife, it will be my choice damnit!
  242. <”Just embrace me dear, and I shall spirit you away to a life of pleasure and comfort…”
  243. >She closed her eyes, clearly, she thinks I’ll just waltz into her arms
  244. >Not today!
  245. >Quickly sprinting past, I say, “Fuck it!” and make a beeline for the store
  246. >Part of me feels bad for leaving the bishop in the alley
  247. >But another, bigger part of me craves autonomy, and will not roll over for someone just because they say they are my “soulmate”
  248. >After a few minutes of running, the store is in sight
  249. >Hopefully, the ride eases up here
  250. >Oh, who am kidding
  251. >Fate clearly has it in for me today
  252. >Let’s just get this over with
  253.  
  254. ~~~~~~~~~~
  255.  
  256. >When I first saw him on the street, I was preaching the word of Poseidon to any who would listen
  257. >The goddess had decreed that the surface dwellers of this world were unhappy and overworked
  258. >They needed the everlasting love and peace that Poseidon’s embrace can give
  259. >At that point, I had successfully converted 22 people to Poseidon’s cause, 12 men and 10 women
  260. >But then I saw him
  261. >To anyone else, he would have seemed rather ordinary, perhaps a tad unkempt, but overall, fairly average
  262. >But not to me
  263. >The moment I saw him, I knew he was my betrothed
  264. >I’d been having dreams up to this point, wonderful dreams of me and a man, married together in a beautiful ceremony
  265. >The man across the street fit the man in the dream to a T
  266. >But there was a problem
  267. >He was surrounded on all sides by WHORES and HARLOTS who looked at him like a piece of meat rather than the blessed being he truly was
  268. >I had to save him! I had to save him and show him the everlasting love that I could provide him!
  269. >I ran after him, he seemed to lack endurance, but that would be fixed when he would become an incubus
  270. >After a few minutes of pursuit, I managed to find him in an alleyway, he seemed shocked at my sudden appearance
  271. >I’m not shocking, am I?
  272. >After regaling him of the love and comfort I would provide him, I opened my arms and waited for him
  273. >But I felt nothing but air rushing past me as he ran away
  274. >D-did he not want to be with me?
  275. >No! There must be something else!
  276. >Some THIEVING TRAMP must have sunk their claws into him!
  277. >I couldn’t have that, I’ll find where he lives and wait for him, or the SKANK that DARED TO SULLY THE PURITY OF MY BELOVED!
  278. >With the idea in my head, I headed off
  279. >Do not worry, my love!
  280. >You shall be reunited with me in mere moments!
  281.  
  282. --------------------------------------
  283.  
  284. >The shopping trip was rather uneventful
  285. >Even if the previous encounters had left me on edge
  286. >The monsters inside at least had the common decency to leave me alone
  287. >Even if the looks they give me aren’t quite as subtle
  288. >I gather everything I need and pay at the checkout
  289. >The succubus cashier was nice, she was flirty, but compared to the priest and bishop, she was practically a nun
  290. >A REAL nun, not this perverted shit
  291. >As I stepped outside, no one ambushed me, no one tackled me and declared their undying love
  292. >Perhaps now I can walk home in peace…
  293. >Not ten seconds after I finished that thought, a golden blur whizzed past my face, embedding itself in a nearby power pole
  294. >I looked up, searching the rooftops, when I saw it, or more specifically, her
  295. >The pink wings and beret marked her as a cupid, an especially powerful servant of Eros
  296. >She was armed with what looked like a modified crossbow, pink of course
  297. >After muttering what seemed like curses, she racked another bolt and aimed
  298. >Squarely at me
  299. >After cursing myself for foolishly believing I’d actually make it back home without being attacked, I bolted
  300. >No use trying to outmaneuver someone with wings, I just need to focus on making it back home
  301. >These may be rape-thirsty monsters, but they’re at least able to understand that B&E is a bad thing in this world
  302. >Several more bolts flew past, these ones were black
  303. >The first bolt was clearly a surprise attack, make a forceful declaration of love and spirit me away for snu snu
  304. >Now however, she clearly couldn’t waste any more confession arrows
  305. >These lead arrows were meant to incapacitate me, make me vulnerable to some cupid lovin’
  306. >Just as I was about to enter the door, a bolt grazes my ankle
  307. >All of a sudden, my loneliness crashes into me like a tidal wave
  308. >Decades worth of self-isolation, decades of rejecting any and all social interaction weighed on me, dragging me down
  309. >With a hollow chuckle, I realize why they’re called “lead” arrows
  310. >I pull myself up the stairs, barely keeping myself from bursting into tears
  311. >As I crest the final set of stairs, I see the dark priest from before
  312. >If I were in my normal state of mind, I might have told her to piss off
  313. >Now, I just needed someone to hold me, to tell me that everything was going to be alright
  314. >Upon seeing my crestfallen expression, the priest rushed to my aid
  315. <”My love! What’s wrong! What happened!”
  316. >I mumble something about needing some sleep
  317. <”Of course! I’ll get you in bed and we’ll cuddle, and you’ll say how much you love me and…”
  318. >Before she could continue that thought, another voice chimed in
  319. <”Get your hands off of him…”
  320. >I turned my head to see the cupid from earlier standing there, crossbow now discarded
  321. <”This is your fault isn’t it! You caused my darling grief and now he’s like this! Begone!”
  322. >You were almost touched by how much the priest cared about you
  323. >The cupid drew closer, a look of determination on her face
  324. <”If you know what I have done, you know he is mine, priest…”
  325. <”I saw him first you winged bitch! I won’t let you take my beloved!”
  326. >This was clearly escalating to something you couldn’t hope to control, even without the crushing weight of your accumulated loneliness
  327. >As the argument over whose husband I was raged on, I tried to make my way inside, to hopefully sleep this loneliness away
  328. >But as I was about to cross the threshold, a pair of finned arms encircled my waist
  329. <”You look terrible darling, let’s get you into bed to rest with your one true wife”
  330. >It was the sea bishop
  331. >The priest and cupid looked as I had sprouted another head
  332. >Then, almost as if on cue, they screamed
  333. <”WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!!!”
  334. >With a look of pure smug on her face, the sea bishop haughtily responded
  335. <”Why, I’m simply taking my darling to bed, since you two clearly didn’t care about him”
  336. >If the sight of her shocked the other two, this statement sent them into a burning rage
  337. >Almost instantly the dark priest was on my left arm, pulling and tugging like a woman possessed
  338. >The cupid was on my right, not pulling nearly as hard, but somehow managed to weave her fingers with mine in a sign of dominance
  339. >The bishop hadn’t gotten off of the floor, but was squeezing my waist to near bone-crunch levels
  340. >The combination of the three pulling on every part of me, the weight of my social failures and the headache from their continued arguing came to a boiling point and I erupted
  341. “SHUT UUUUUUUPPP!!!”
  342. >The three looked like they’d been slapped across the face
  343. “I just want to sleep, please, for the love of whatever you believe in, leave me alone…”
  344. >The looks on their faces tore at my anger, I wanted to hug them and tell them how sorry I was, but I was still angry and tired
  345. >But mostly tired
  346. >With a small nudge, I made my way inside and locked the door behind me, eager to just sleep for a few days
  347. >The dreams that came that night were strange, but comforting at the same time
  348. >They consisted of me, in a bed with all three of the priests
  349. >It wasn’t sexual in any way, they were simply cuddling up to me, whispering how much they loved me
  350. >It was easily the nicest dream I’d had in a while
  351.  
  352. --------------------------------------
  353.  
  354. >The next day started normally
  355. >I had breakfast, showered, got dressed, as I normally would
  356. >But just as I was about to leave to get the mail, I stopped
  357. <”Quiet! He’s opening the door!”
  358. <”Don’t tell me what to do…”
  359. <”Just be quiet! We’ve already made a bad impression on my beloved, I don’t want to ruin it even more!”
  360. >With a sigh, I open the door
  361. >All three girls from yesterday are standing in front of the door
  362. >They all nod to each other before the cupid steps forward
  363. <”We would like to apologize for our actions yesterday…”
  364. >The dark priest steps forward
  365. <”Yes, I apologize for my actions, I see now that you are a man who values his freedom first, and you saw my advances as threatening that, I, and the other priests, wish to redeem ourselves for you”
  366. >The sea bishop moves up
  367. <”I too would like to apologize for yesterday and offer you a compromise”
  368. “A compromise?”
  369. >The cupid continues
  370. <”A week with each of us, to see who we really are, at the end you choose one to be your wife…”
  371. >They clearly care about me, and I REALLY don’t want to find out what happens if I wait too long…
  372. “Sure, I’m in”
  373. >It takes a few seconds for the words to process before they seem to explode with joy
  374. >It makes my heart flutter to see the looks of unrestrained joy on their teary-eyed faces as they hug me and say “thank you” over and over again
  375. >After a while though, I manage to pull them off
  376. “Ok, now how do we do this?”
  377. >The dark priest presents three straws
  378. <”I heard in this world you ‘draw straws’ to figure out things like this, so let’s draw straws to see who goes first!”
  379. >Closing their eyes, the cupid and sea bishop draw their straws
  380. >Upon revealing, the cupid had the longest
  381. <”So, I go first… I’d best make a good first impression, shouldn’t I?”
  382. >Dark priest was second
  383. <”Oh well, I’m sure I’ll knock the pants off of anything you’ve got cupid!”
  384. >Sea bishop was last
  385. <”Hmmm, I’d rather not go last, but I can manage”
  386. >The deal was set, you’d live with each of the priests as a pseudo-husband for a week
  387. >They would provide what you needed, so you only needed the essentials
  388. >And at the end, you’d pick one to be your eternally wedded wife
  389. >If only your mother could see you now
  390. >Dad would surely be giving you a thumbs-up with how many women were interested in you
  391. >As the girls were leaving you stopped them quickly
  392. “Hey! You never told me your names!”
  393. >A look of deep embarrassment came over the three
  394. <”My name is Ariana…” said the cupid shyly
  395. <”My name is Sybil!” said the sea bishop with some enthusiasm
  396. <”And my name is Raven” said the dark priest gently
  397. >With that, they left, blowing kisses as they went down the stairs
  398. >In three weeks’ time, I’m going to be married
  399. >I thinks it’s going to work
  400. >At least, I hope it’ll work
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