Heck where to start here? Probably by turning off this Carpenters music. Ok, now what? I've definitely changed a lot over the years, though I can't always pinpoint where I've changed.

Since being a small child I've always been outshadowed by my sister, who is a year older than me (so 16, and you perverts can go away), in absolutely every facet. In a lot of ways that still holds true, but I've definitely discovered some niches for myself in life, and I believe that that's the way forward in terms of satisfaction. Hey look, my structure's falling apart. Oh well, never mind.

As a kid I was always a very smiley child, for no reason. Every photo you'd see of me would feature me smiling, despite some minor dental problems that I have. While I expect that all brains function in this way, my memories of that time were always very happy, because I had very little to worry about. I don't want to be arrogant and call myself extremely intelligent, but by a young age I had already immersed myself in literature, and I was able to enjoy most things in life without any sort of repercussions.

A particular person who shaped this happy little life for me was my grandad, who whenever I was at his modest flat on the corner he'd go out on a limb to cater for me (on one occasion giving up his dinner so I could have it, which prompted me to quite like vegetable soup [though to be honest it was more like minestrone but whatever]). I remember running down the street from my playgroup (is there an American equivalent? School-type place for kids aged ~3) down to his house, pretending to be characters from Thomas the Tank Engine.

So one day when I came home from nursery (the next level up from a playgroup) my family were all sitting solemnly in the front room, and I was happy to see them all as, y'know, a little kid would be. But then I noticed that one person was missing. And my dad sat on the floor and said this,

"Granda Morris has gone, and he's gone for a very long time. Just remember that he's in a very happy place now."

Apparently I was inconsolable, and the fact that simply writing about the fact that he's dead still brings me to tears even now I guess is a testament to the impact that this had on me. A few years later, when I could understand things, I was told that he had died from lung cancer, and my dad had been sitting right next to him as he died.

I think the biggest lasting effect from his death has been my complete disillusionment with religion. He was a very religious man until he became very ill (and I observed innocently as he went from healthy to using a walking stick, and then not walking at all), at which point he abandoned religion. After all, what was this God doing for him? Carry your cross and follow Him, bullshit. Bullshit. And you know, this is the one issue on which no-one can dissuade me, not even the incredibly faith-driven school I attend. Though this is all slightly off-topic.

After this, I was no longer the grinning child that I once was. I became more reserved, and more cynical of everything. I preferred to play by myself more than with others, and this was the first point that I began to exercise my imagination. I was prone to exploding into fits of rage at absolutely anything, whether it be the inability to do a sum or being provoked by another person. While I never have been a muscular guy (quite the opposite actually) I really did come down on people hard. That inability to control myself continued for many years. This really wasn't helped by me being the easy stereotype to pick on - nerdy, ginger, specs, the list goes on. The teacher I had at that time disliked me too.

That said, I wasn't oblivious to the situation that I was in, and opted for a career choice that I had ironically (go a few more words and you'll see why) joked about when I was a lot younger - comedian. Now while making wisecracks might not get you into the best social situation, it really helped me. I relaxed a lot more, and people accepted me (though it was more me accepting them, since I had shut them out). By the time I reached high school (the faith-driven one I mentioned earlier) I was confident in my abilities, but not arrogant. I had a certain drive behind me, and that led me well through my earlier years.

I think if you've read my 2k then you already know my Smogon origins, but during my time here a switch flipped inside my head, and this is one of those moments where "I can't always pinpoint where I've changed". I suddenly became more tolerant of other people, and I think it was by embracing the kind of ideology that Chou mentioned in his post. Previously I had categorised people by their negative attributes, rather than their positive ones. This attitude has given me a lot of success (by my low standard) in the social scene. Self-deprecating humour tends to go down well.

Around that time I had my first crush, which lasted for a year (which is the actual length, not an exaggeration) during which I did everything in my power to win her. Nothing worked though, and I was pretty depressed when I got rejected (the rejections marking the start and end of the crush). She later went on to become a whore. Yeah, harsh.

I floated around aimlessly for quite a while, and this brings us back quite neatly to the thoughts on finding a niche which I mentioned at the beginning. I didn't have anything that anyone else couldn't do better (awkward sentence). After embracing writing though, I settled into a comfortable rut - oxymoron is intentional, you might know what I mean. But since life works as it does, a rut is more like a trench before going over the top.

On Friday he was fine, by Tuesday his life support machine had been switched off. Somebody of my age, at my school (we shared a gym class in fact) contracted Meningicoccal (sp.?) Meningitis and passed away. Naturally such an event promotes a great deal of introspection, but there was very little in my situation to be had. Of course, it brought up memories of my Grandfather, but I recognised that others were feeling the pain more than I was, and decided to support them instead of focussing on myself. Selfless it may seem, but in the long-run that experience has really benefitted me in terms of getting to know other people, and learning a lot about how people work in general.

Just a couple of days ago, and some people will know about this (though not the actual situation), a friend of mine committed suicide. I guess I'm still in shock, so feel free to have this account of how someone else dealt with it while I run on something like adrenaline. Hollywood would have it no other way too, as the person about whom I'm going to talk is my current love interest, though I suspect of myself that it's more a need to have a goal than actual love. Anyway...

It turns out that these two were in a relationship, and nobody knew. I sat there as she imparted to me everything about how she loved him so much, and that she'd never get over him. Once again I had to be supportive, though he was a close friend of mine. I guess this is just what I'm destined for haha. Really it was a kick in both of my testicles, since obviously my infatuation LOVE is unrequited, aswell as coming to terms with his death. This happened almost exactly a month after the death of my colleague I talked about above.

I suppose I'll drift off the beaten track for a little while.

I'm not very good at judging what people think of me (look at my record of teenage angst for proof), and I can determine to an even lesser extent what people at Smogon think of me. Regardless of our personal relationship however (that is, me and you, the reader. If we don't have one then let's chat), a common theme seems to be that people think I'm a lot older than I actually am. If you don't know, I'm 15. <Person X> thought I was 19 and a former English teacher of mine considered me 30, but that's besides the point. I guess that this is the result of the experiences that I've had, and while I think that they've improved me as a person I'd still go back to those days when I smiled all the time (no I mean it, all the time!).

So after that rambling life story, what do I see inside myself? I see pain that has made me stronger, and that there's a long way to go before I reach who I am.

Well, if I'd thought of that sentence earlier then we'd be sitting with a much shorter post I guess. I hope you enjoyed it.