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  1. 5. SPECIAL TERMS CONDITIONS
  2.  
  3. In addition to the above terms and conditions, You also agree to the following legally binding special terms and conditions:
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  5. o You will be required to pay for any upgrades or updates to the Software Product that the Heart of Evil Team should make available at any time in the future.
  6.  
  7. o You will make your credit card details available for the use of the Heart of Evil Team in order to allow a modest donation to be deducted from your current Account to an anonymous beneficiary.
  8.  
  9. o You will undergo a mandatory five year period of indentured servitude at a factory of the Heart of Evil Team's choosing at a date of the Heart of Evil Team's choosing.
  10.  
  11. o You agree never to masturbate ever again, for it is offensive in the eyes of the Lord.
  12.  
  13. o You agree to forever shun the music of the harlot Alanis Morrisette, for it is offensive in the eyes of the Lord.
  14.  
  15. o You confess to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
  16.  
  17. o You grant permission for the CIA and any affiliated organisations to install monitoring equipment around your home and workplace.
  18.  
  19. o Your wife and children will be sold into slavery by the Heart of Evil Team.
  20.  
  21. o You admit to the sin of homosexuality, and promise to co-operate with a strict program of correctional treatment at a specially designed institution.
  22.  
  23. o You acknowledge the existence of and admit to having complied with the insidious Jewish conspiracy which threatens to take over our great nation and sap the strength of our proud and manly heritage.
  24.  
  25. o You concede that Your mother is a disgusting crack-smoking ho who likes it in many different orifices and many different positions, with many different partners simultaneously, and that she engages in a variety of other deviant sexual practices on a regular basis.
  26.  
  27. o You admit to having had sexual intercourse with President Bill Clinton.
  28.  
  29. o You volunteer to be part of a program to inform the Federal Government of the United States of America of any suspicious behaviour on the part of your neighbours, friends, family, and any other persons you may come into contact with, that may indicate that they possess an interest in any of the following: fundamentalist Islaam, plastic explosives, airline flight schedules, nuclear power plants, communism, anarchism, trade unions, the Waco massacre, the death of Elvis Presley, the Iran-Contra scandal, and Alanis Morrisette.
  30.  
  31. o Your body is to become the property of the Heart of Evil Team, to be made use of in whatsoever manner the Heart of Evil Team deems fit, at the request of the Heart of Evil Team or any of its individual members, at whatever time and in whatever location such request should occur.
  32.  
  33. o If You own any ponies, Your ponies are to become the property of the Heart of Evil Team, to be made use of in whatsoever manner the Heart of Evil Team deems fit, with immediate effect.
  34.  
  35. o Your soul is to become the property of Satan, the Almighty Prince of Darkness, who ruleth over all the Nations of the Earth, and all his little wizards.
  36.  
  37. o You hereby renounce any and all belief You may have had in the false prophet Jesus Christ, whose body has been cast into the lowest depths of the firey pit of Hell and whose name shall be shunned throughout the Earth.
  38.  
  39. o You accept that the gang-rape was Your fault, You led them on, and that God allowed such a terrible thing to happen in order to punish You for committing the sins of pride and lust.
  40.  
  41. o You confess to having harboured reactionary ideas and spreading subversive propaganda against the Party.  You now accept the rightful triumph of the Glorious Revolution, You recognise the falsehood of all bourgeois thoughts, You acknowledge the supremecy of our modern planned state and its enlightened leaders over the oppressive capitalist-imperialist nations, and You pledge to sacrifice Your petty individual life to the cause of the mighty Collective.
  42.  
  43. o You consent to enter into a state of holy matrimony with Alanis Morrisette.
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