Dragula

>The first thing you notice is the smell, like hot rocks in a sauna.
>Odd, but not unpleasant.
>As you near waking, though, the next thing you notice is a headache, the pain increasing and slowly awakening you.
>There's something wrong.  You can't seem to open your eyes, though you have a feeling you aren't in your own bed.
>You aren't in any bed.
>What happened last night?  You can't remember much.  You were probably drunk again.
>At least you didn't wake up next to a hamplanet.  Or a dude.  You think.  Hope.
>Some vague memories come back to you.  You were talking to some guy, oddly dressed for a rave.
>A brony rave?  Really?  You must have already been drunk before you got shanghaied into that.
>More dubstep than you could shake a glow-stick it.
>Anyway, it's slowly coming back to you now.  The dude, plainly dressed in jeans and a plain white T-shirt, and completely opaque Ray-Bans.
>There was something odd about his teeth, you thought.  And when he looked over his shades at you right before your memory goes blank, you remember his eyes.
>Yellow, with red irises.  No, that had to have been the booze.
>What was that last thing he said?
>"Now, nod your head if you consent.  I can't do this otherwise."
>Something about a deal to send you to Equestria.  Obviously a joke, right?
"Sure, dude, whatever."
>"You must actually nod your head affirmatively, friend.  To signify your agreement.  I am reformed, after all, and would never do something this drastic without permission."
>You remember nodding.
>"Excellent, excellent.  You won't regret this.  I promise."
>Then, those yellow and red eyes.  It was like you were falling into them, as they expanded to fill your entire universe.
>Then nothing.
>You are suddenly fully awake as you start in a panic, hitting your head on some hard object as you try to rise to your feet.
>Okay, let's try this again from the start.  Where are you?
>Don't panic.
>You are in pitch blackness, but strangely, you begin to see vague outlines.

>You aren't in a bedroom at all.  In fact, it doesn't even look like a room.
>What you hit your head on was some kind of stone projection coming down from the ceiling.
>Like a stalagmite.  Or wait, which one comes down and which one goes up?
>Stalactite.  You guess.
>Wait.  What the fuck?  Those are in caves.
>What kind of night was it that you're waking up in a dark cave?
>It's dark in here.  What if there's a bear?  Or something worse.  You cast about in a panic looking for a way out.
>Then you notice it.  Down on the floor.  A vague outline.
>It's not stone.  It looks long.  And thin, but as you follow it to where it fades into your peripheral vision, it gets thicker.
>Like an enormous snake.
>You freeze, barely breathing.  You have no weapon, but you'll be damned if you end your life eaten by a snake in some miserable cave.
>You turn to try to look for the snake's head, so you can kill it.
>As you do, the snake slithers suddenly, but it stops when you freeze again.
>This time, you are more patient.  Like a predator, you wait and crouch to pounce on it.
>Minutes pass, as you wait in silence for the proper moment.
>Finally, when you feel you can take the monster unaware, you jump for it, grabbing it around its width with both hands.
>The snake struggles fiercely, surely trying to strike back, though you still cannot locate its head.
>Desperate that it will strike at you in the dark, and your hands occupied, you bite down on it, hard, only to feel a sudden pain at your back.
"Arrrrrrgh!"  you arrrrrrgh.
>The snake takes advantage of your cry to escape out of sight.  You whirl around, only to hear the sidewinding serpent flail through the air again behind you.
>Terrified, you back up to the wall so it can't get behind you.  Maybe it escaped.
>You crane your neck around in all directions to locate it again.
>Just as you relax, thinking it gone, you see the tip of it again.
>You're going to get it this time.

>Very slowly, you creep toward it, moving a millimeter at a time.
>There is still a dull ache in your backside, but you will deal with that later.
>Casting your gaze up its length, you see where you bit it previously.
>Oddly, it looks like it had some kind of prior injury there.
>Some sort of ichor drips from it.
>Two rows of toothmarks about a foot apart indicate its attacker must have been a genuinely nasty creature, with an enormous jaw and sharp teeth.
>Great.  Like you don't have enough to worry about.
>Well, it's now or never.  You dive on the snake, pinning it down with both hands in its wounded portion.
>And suddenly, the stabbing pain returns.
>You can't help but feel you are missing something important here.
>An idea comes to you.  No, you think.  This can't be right.  But you can't help but test it.
>Gingerly, you remove your left hand from the snake.
>The pain lessens.
>Then, your idea seems to make more sense.  You decide to test it some more.
>You drum your fingers on the snake, and feel like a fool as you feel that same drumming sensation "behind" you.
>This isn't a snake.  You have spent the last hour or longer trying to sneak up on your own tail in the dark.
>You'd best do an inventory.  Apparently, you have a tail now.
>And your hands have rather gruesome claws at the ends of the fingers.
>You quickly confirm you still have opposable thumbs, though.  That's a plus.
>Running your hands along the side of your head, you confirm that indeed, you have a rather enormous jaw, with impressive, razor-sharp, triangular teeth.
>Also, you have four fangs, two on the top and bottom, the larger on the top.
>Neat.  These must be for gripping prey and holding them, as they curve backward toward the inside of the mouth.
>There are also some kind of crests on either side of your head.  You'll figure that out later.
>Also, you appear to be on all fours, as you have to crane your neck to see your hindquarters.
"I wish I had some light!" you say.

>Suddenly, as soon as you wish for light, a pale green glow flashes over the cave.
>Still barely able to see, you wish it was brighter.
>The light responds, growing brighter.  You crank it up until it's bright as a light bulb, then dial it back a bit, as it hurts your eyes.
>You are indeed in a large cave, in a chamber filled with stalactites and stalagmites, ranging from a light pink to a ruddy red shade, but with large flat portions.
>In fact, it's rather lovely, even under the circumstances.
>Looking down, though, you see something stands out, a flash of gold at the floor.
>It appears to be a coin.  As you pick it up, its weight indicates to you that it is mostly gold.
>Mostly, you think.  Somehow, you sense that it weighs slightly less than it should.
>It's adulterated somewhat.  The figure 8.3% copper suddenly springs to mind.  22 karats.
>A good blend, you think.  Enough to harden it and discourage shaving the coin.  How did you know this?
>You see another coin just a couple feet away, and immediately grab it as well, and another beyond that.  And another beyond that.
>You collect the coins like a fat kid following a trail of cookies.
>Finally, at the far end of the cavern, you come across a small mound of various gemstones, finely cut and most of them of a size that would put the Hope Diamond to shame.
>Ecstatically, you spread them out on the floor and start rolling around in them.
>Tiring of this, you start examining and counting them and the coins, stacking and sorting them neatly.
>Gold coins, exactly 100.  Gems.
>Rubies, 10.
>Diamonds, 10.
>Emeralds, 10.
>Sapphires, 10.
>Peridots, 10.
>And 10 each of garnets, opals, topazes, polished amber and jet stones.
>And each of them has its own distinctive scent.
>You are suddenly torn by the desire to keep them all and the delicious, distinctive smell each has.
>Without thinking, you pop a jet stone into your mouth and bite down on it.

>As you crush the jet stone with your powerful jaw, a burst of flavor, like licorice, fills you with utter delight and you savor it as you chomp down.
>While tempted to devour more gems, you realize you have to keep them.
>You almost disregard a piece of paper that was at the top of the pile, but decide to look at it.  It's a note.

     These should be enough to get you started.

     Remember, magic is a snap!

     Your FRIEND, D.

>The word "friend" is in elaborate capital letters, and the D is enormous, like an opening capital letter in an illuminated manuscript.
>Inside it is an odd chimerical creature that looks as if it is made of leftovers from other creatures, though dragon-like features predominate.
>And it has yellow eyes.  With red irises.
>And as you look at it, the figure suddenly snaps its fingers, winks at you, and disappears, leaving only the letter D, entwined with vines.
>Your mind suddenly clear, you remember more of last night.
>You let your autistic brother talk you into attending this thing.
>"Brony rave."  These two words don't fit together.
>You didn't even watch the show.
>You thought it might be good for a laugh.
>It was, sort of, but kind of horrifying in other ways.
>The one good thing, though, is there was a shocking amount of liquor there.
>This was a good thing, because you needed it to dull your senses.
>Seriously, you had walked by a table with ten people at it having a heated argument, yelling and shouting at each other.
>Eavesdropping a bit, you realized they were arguing about who was "the hottest pony."
>Arguing about and actually white knighting for the sexiness of a goddamn cartoon horse in a  show for little girls!
>So you finally ended up sitting next to a dude who seemed pretty normal in comparison, commiserating about what fruitcakes these people were.
>But then even he started in with crazy talk about a "portal to Equestria."
>And you agreed it'd be great, while planning your escape.
>Now here you are.

>And now, a lot of what that guy said makes a little more sense.
>He kept asking you about whether you "agreed" and "consent" and other things.
>Like a lawyer.  Or for that matter, a gay guy hitting on you, which is what you were beginning to suspect.
>And another thing he said.
>"Come now, let's not let this thing drag on."
>Drag on.  Dragon.  Ha ha.  Fuck you, Carlos.
>You remember one night your autistic brony brother was drunk and weepingly confessed to you that he dreamed of being a pony in Equestria.
>You tried, but you really couldn't help yourself.
>You busted a gut laughing and called him a faggot.
>And instead of him, it's you.  But you're a dragon.  That's got to be cooler.
>You wonder what kind.  I wish I could see myself, you think.
>You hear a faint fizzle, but nothing happens.
>"Magic is a snap."  That's what the note said.
>Giving it a try, you wished you could see yourself, while snapping your fingers.  Talons.  Whatever.
>Suddenly, an enormous antique mirror appears directly in front of you, faintly translucent, with a frame of corroded green copper.
>Damn, you are a good looking son of a bitch.
>A glowing, coppery tone, with a bit of green to liven things up.
>You smile in the mirror to test it out.  Charming, if a bit scary.
>Noticing you have wings, you spread them out and admire them.  Bitches don't know about my wings.
>Well, you had to get back home at some point, of course, and kick this D bitch's ass.
>But so far, this wasn't too bad.  Might as well have some fun in the meantime.
>You pop another jet stone, and then try a peridot.
>Mmm, the dark tang of iron combines with magnesium and silicon, somehow adding up to a minty flavor, with a tingly aftertaste like an energy drink.
>Suddenly, you are filled with paranoia that your gem stash is depleting rapidly before you have even seen this world.
>Not stash.  Hoard.
>You need to get more.  Now.
>More gems.
>More gold.
>More of whatever this world has.
>The rest can wait.

>Looking around you, you decide this is a perfectly fine base of operations.
>It's a cave, but whatever water activity created these stalactites and stalagmites, though it bugs you that you still forget which is which, it is long gone.
>The air is dry and arid.  As you like it.  As you like it now, because you previously had no real preference.
>You make a mental note to be concerned at these odd changes to your preferences and knowledge.
>This D guy has messed with your mind somehow, for all his talk of friendship.
>But more gems is the most important thing right now.  You feel a burning necessity, suddenly fantasizing about hills, mountains of gold and gems.
>And statues.  And books and scrolls.  And something you don't have a clear mental picture of yet.
>But for now, gems.  You need gems more than you have ever needed anything.
>That means getting out of this cave.  This beautiful cave that is your home, you find yourself thinking before catching yourself.
>My home is Earth.  Earth.  Remember that, you tell yourself.
>But back to gems.  And back to getting out of here.  Thinking of it, you suddenly realize your home has a back door.
>Right. . .there.  It glows with a faint green outline.  This will take you directly to the surface, and is a perfect escape route if you are attacked in your lair.
>But you feel compelled to take the less direct route out, and wrestle between the two compulsions, to leave and get gems immediately, and to explore your domain.
>You make a quick survey of the strange, mazelike complex of carefully carved tunnels and natural caves between your main cavern and the world outside.
>Having once designed a mildly successful maze shooter for Android, you were surprised that much of the complex resembled levels you once made.
>You almost instantly grasp the geometry of the maze and understand that while you naturally know where you are in it, any invaders will be bewildered and lost.
>Still, it is pretty plain and you already contemplate how you will improve it.  There is a lot of fun to be had here.

>Your maze is pretty plain.
>You already have a lot of ideas on how to improve it.  There is a lot of fun to be had here.  Tricks and traps.
>Anyone trying to attack you here will be at your mercy.
>And you don't feel very merciful to the sort of fool who would.
>But gems.  You need gems.  Those, you have to go out in the world to find.
>So you venture out of the maze through a nearly invisible passage into the sunlight.
>You pause to praise the Sun as your eyes adjust.
>The terrain at the base of your mountain is dry, desert terrain.  Beautiful.
>There is a particularly high peak on the horizon, though.  Even in the distance, you detect a gleaming dot of a castle and city high upon it.
>Your sharp eyes detect a closer settlement, though, near a green forest.  It is about midway between your desert and the castle.
>No need to start ambitious.  Let's see what's available in this village first.
>Isn't that what dragons do?
>You anxiously look down a steep cliff outside the entrance to your cave maze, pleased to note that there isn't another bit of flat earth nearby.
>Anyone who wants to bug you has a lot of climbing to do.  No Mormons.  No bill collectors.
>However, this left you with only your wings as a plausible means of travel.  And here you are with a fear of heights.
>Fuck your fear of heights.
>So far, magic has worked.
"I hope I don't fucking die when I try to fly to that peaceful village."
>You snap your fingers.  Talons.  Whatever.  You'll call them fingers if you feel like it.
>And you leap off the cliff, spreading your wings.
>You are surprised, as you seem to coast without effort toward your target.
>The peaceful village, which has no idea it is about to be your bitch, looms closer as you glide along toward it.
>Your lazy glide takes you over the town, and your interest turns to obsession as you scent a cache of gems in the town.
>Catching a thermal, you wheel in a circle over the gems you scent.
>From a building like a circus carousel.

>Your plan simplifies.  Land, get into this building, get the gems, fly away again.
>That's how dragons operate, right?
>How do I land, though?  So far, you've just been gliding, catching favorable air, and drifting on it.
>You decide to do another pass on the town before landing.
>How could you decide to fly with no idea how to land?
>You're still enjoying coasting along, even if you're gradually losing elevation, when you suddenly see something that disturbs you.
>The people below you, well, they're actually ponies you see now, were oblivious of your presence.
>But now some pony raised a hoof and shrieked in your general direction.
>Some pony with a red mane.  You hear, rising over the village, the cry of "DRAGON!"
>A smarter dragon than you are might call off the raid at this point.
>But you are not that dragon.
>You are a dragon that wants, no, needs gems.  NOW.
>You see the specks that are ponies dispersing in all directions in a panic.
>This fills you with an immense sense of glee.
>This is what it is to be a dragon!
>But clearly the town is alerted to your presence.  You can't delay any more.  Time to raid.
>LEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS!
>You decide just to crash into the carousel building, grab what you want, and leave.
>The first part of the plan works smashingly.  That is, you just dive headfirst into the building, smashing through the bay window, slightly regretfully since it was truly well designed.
>Then you land on the ground floor, flipping in mid-air to catch yourself on all fours, and finding yourself face to face with a stunningly gorgeous blue-eyed white pony.
>Wait.  This can't be happening because. . .wait.  A gorgeous pony?  Time stands still, sort of, for a moment, but what is a moment without time?
>No.  This way lies madness.  The only sensible option is to take these gems that are everywhere and escape before this entire town descends upon you.

>You scoop up every gem you can find and then also steal a very nice dragon-sized backpack.
>This designer is clearly worth following.
>That designer is fleeing out the front door shouting "TWILIGHT!  SPIKE!  HELP!"
>You grab a dragon-sized pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers, wondering how this rather skittish pony somehow has the same pair of sunglasses that D guy had.
>However, upon visually examining the new additions to your hoard, you realize there are literally hundreds of gems in it.
>Best to get back home and count all this up.
>You put it in a bag and strap it to your back.
>But maybe it's time to get some more stuff.  After all, you have these ponies on the defense, and while you are greedy, you are also hungry.
>Perhaps you can try to score some food while you're at it.
>You run along the ground rapidly toward the nearest thing you see that looks like a barn.
>Luckily for you, it is full of pigs.
>You grab a pig and then prepare to fly off and admire your gems and devour your prey.
>But then, the pig, struggling in your grasp, cries out.
>"Please don't kill me, Mr. Dragon!"
>Wait.
>What the fuck?
>"Please don't kill me and eat me!  I have family!"
"Holy shit a talking pig!"
>"Are there other kinds?  I just don't want to die, please don't kill me.  I love dragons.  I just don't want to be eaten."
>This bullshit is totally killing your appetite.
"Sorry.  I was just kidding.  But I'm kind of new here.  I was kind of a carnivore already. . .that's a word for someone that eats meat.  And I am kind of a dragon now."
>You grin at the pig.
"Why do you think we have these teeth?"
>The pig squeals and tears off into the underbrush.
>You could imagine better intraspecies outreach.
>Still, you aren't about to eat creatures that beg you not to, even if you're the sort of creature that apparently does do this thing regularly.

>Okay.  Let's get back home and count up these gems.
>That sounds like a good idea, but suddenly, you realize you have no idea whatsoever how to take flight.
>You just jumped off a cliff and went gliding to get here.  You don't even know how to flap your wings.
>And a pig is running away screaming that you just tried to eat her.
>And you just noticed every pony in town is converging on where you are.
>It's almost like you're a monster or something.
>You are feeling genuinely persecuted, as some of them literally have torches and pitchforks.
>You flap your wings as the horde converges, but to your horror, you do not rise even an inch above the ground.
>All these goddamn ponies.  Where is my useless autistic brony brother when I need him?
>You snap your fingers while wishing you could fly.
>Shit.  That is somehow not working either.
>These ponies actually think they have authority over you!  Let's disabuse them of that retarded bullshit pronto.
>They're closing in.  These goddamn ponies.
>You leap in the air.  With your sack of gems and lack of food.
>Not feeling terribly energetic, you grab a handful of the gems in your sack and start chomping.
>Bastards.
>Other than the minerals, you have no food.
>While you came to town hoping to go back home soon with food, the food you chose talked to you and you couldn't eat someone you just met.  Now what?
>You fly over to another building in town, with a sweet smell swirling around it.
>Nearly dive-bombing the building on your way out of town, you note its similarity to the other building you destroyed.
>Sweet.
>The whole building, at least after the ponies flee, neighing and whinnying, is full of lovely, tasty cakes and pastries and everything nice.
>You devour every single sweet pastry in the place and break all the windows in a strange ecstasy, then knock over all the tables and, for some reason, bake a batch of snickerdoodles in the oven before it cools down.
"This is how you do it."  the note says.

>Okay.  You've cut it way too close already.
>Time to go home.
>But when you're flying out of town, you see a carriage heading toward a prosperous looking house.
>You have all the gems you need, but this looks like fun.
>So you crash directly into the carriage, knocking it over, and take out the multiply locked cash box, then fly away again.
>And while the trip back home requires a lot more flapping and thermals than your trip out, it is still a cakewalk.
>You return home with no problem whatsoever, and add your new acquisitions to your collection, your hoard.
>You still feel a bit guilty about terrorizing that pig.  Sorry.  I wouldn't have planned on killing and eating you if I knew you could hold up your end of a conversation.
>Still.  You are hungry and getting hungrier.  And a fucking potato is not going to sate your appetite.
>Those fangs and talons you have are going to have to be satisfied with flesh.
>Also, that beautiful pony.
>You stole her gems.
>She couldn't defend them, so she deserved it, right?
>Right?
>You fly back to your impenetrable compound.