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- >The first thing you notice is the smell, like hot rocks in a sauna.
- >Odd, but not unpleasant.
- >As you near waking, though, the next thing you notice is a headache, the pain increasing and slowly awakening you.
- >There's something wrong. You can't seem to open your eyes, though you have a feeling you aren't in your own bed.
- >You aren't in any bed.
- >What happened last night? You can't remember much. You were probably drunk again.
- >At least you didn't wake up next to a hamplanet. Or a dude. You think. Hope.
- >Some vague memories come back to you. You were talking to some guy, oddly dressed for a rave.
- >A brony rave? Really? You must have already been drunk before you got shanghaied into that.
- >More dubstep than you could shake a glow-stick it.
- >Anyway, it's slowly coming back to you now. The dude, plainly dressed in jeans and a plain white T-shirt, and completely opaque Ray-Bans.
- >There was something odd about his teeth, you thought. And when he looked over his shades at you right before your memory goes blank, you remember his eyes.
- >Yellow, with red irises. No, that had to have been the booze.
- >What was that last thing he said?
- >"Now, nod your head if you consent. I can't do this otherwise."
- >Something about a deal to send you to Equestria. Obviously a joke, right?
- "Sure, dude, whatever."
- >"You must actually nod your head affirmatively, friend. To signify your agreement. I am reformed, after all, and would never do something this drastic without permission."
- >You remember nodding.
- >"Excellent, excellent. You won't regret this. I promise."
- >Then, those yellow and red eyes. It was like you were falling into them, as they expanded to fill your entire universe.
- >Then nothing.
- >You are suddenly fully awake as you start in a panic, hitting your head on some hard object as you try to rise to your feet.
- >Okay, let's try this again from the start. Where are you?
- >Don't panic.
- >You are in pitch blackness, but strangely, you begin to see vague outlines.
- >You aren't in a bedroom at all. In fact, it doesn't even look like a room.
- >What you hit your head on was some kind of stone projection coming down from the ceiling.
- >Like a stalagmite. Or wait, which one comes down and which one goes up?
- >Stalactite. You guess.
- >Wait. What the fuck? Those are in caves.
- >What kind of night was it that you're waking up in a dark cave?
- >It's dark in here. What if there's a bear? Or something worse. You cast about in a panic looking for a way out.
- >Then you notice it. Down on the floor. A vague outline.
- >It's not stone. It looks long. And thin, but as you follow it to where it fades into your peripheral vision, it gets thicker.
- >Like an enormous snake.
- >You freeze, barely breathing. You have no weapon, but you'll be damned if you end your life eaten by a snake in some miserable cave.
- >You turn to try to look for the snake's head, so you can kill it.
- >As you do, the snake slithers suddenly, but it stops when you freeze again.
- >This time, you are more patient. Like a predator, you wait and crouch to pounce on it.
- >Minutes pass, as you wait in silence for the proper moment.
- >Finally, when you feel you can take the monster unaware, you jump for it, grabbing it around its width with both hands.
- >The snake struggles fiercely, surely trying to strike back, though you still cannot locate its head.
- >Desperate that it will strike at you in the dark, and your hands occupied, you bite down on it, hard, only to feel a sudden pain at your back.
- "Arrrrrrgh!" you arrrrrrgh.
- >The snake takes advantage of your cry to escape out of sight. You whirl around, only to hear the sidewinding serpent flail through the air again behind you.
- >Terrified, you back up to the wall so it can't get behind you. Maybe it escaped.
- >You crane your neck around in all directions to locate it again.
- >Just as you relax, thinking it gone, you see the tip of it again.
- >You're going to get it this time.
- >Very slowly, you creep toward it, moving a millimeter at a time.
- >There is still a dull ache in your backside, but you will deal with that later.
- >Casting your gaze up its length, you see where you bit it previously.
- >Oddly, it looks like it had some kind of prior injury there.
- >Some sort of ichor drips from it.
- >Two rows of toothmarks about a foot apart indicate its attacker must have been a genuinely nasty creature, with an enormous jaw and sharp teeth.
- >Great. Like you don't have enough to worry about.
- >Well, it's now or never. You dive on the snake, pinning it down with both hands in its wounded portion.
- >And suddenly, the stabbing pain returns.
- >You can't help but feel you are missing something important here.
- >An idea comes to you. No, you think. This can't be right. But you can't help but test it.
- >Gingerly, you remove your left hand from the snake.
- >The pain lessens.
- >Then, your idea seems to make more sense. You decide to test it some more.
- >You drum your fingers on the snake, and feel like a fool as you feel that same drumming sensation "behind" you.
- >This isn't a snake. You have spent the last hour or longer trying to sneak up on your own tail in the dark.
- >You'd best do an inventory. Apparently, you have a tail now.
- >And your hands have rather gruesome claws at the ends of the fingers.
- >You quickly confirm you still have opposable thumbs, though. That's a plus.
- >Running your hands along the side of your head, you confirm that indeed, you have a rather enormous jaw, with impressive, razor-sharp, triangular teeth.
- >Also, you have four fangs, two on the top and bottom, the larger on the top.
- >Neat. These must be for gripping prey and holding them, as they curve backward toward the inside of the mouth.
- >There are also some kind of crests on either side of your head. You'll figure that out later.
- >Also, you appear to be on all fours, as you have to crane your neck to see your hindquarters.
- "I wish I had some light!" you say.
- >Suddenly, as soon as you wish for light, a pale green glow flashes over the cave.
- >Still barely able to see, you wish it was brighter.
- >The light responds, growing brighter. You crank it up until it's bright as a light bulb, then dial it back a bit, as it hurts your eyes.
- >You are indeed in a large cave, in a chamber filled with stalactites and stalagmites, ranging from a light pink to a ruddy red shade, but with large flat portions.
- >In fact, it's rather lovely, even under the circumstances.
- >Looking down, though, you see something stands out, a flash of gold at the floor.
- >It appears to be a coin. As you pick it up, its weight indicates to you that it is mostly gold.
- >Mostly, you think. Somehow, you sense that it weighs slightly less than it should.
- >It's adulterated somewhat. The figure 8.3% copper suddenly springs to mind. 22 karats.
- >A good blend, you think. Enough to harden it and discourage shaving the coin. How did you know this?
- >You see another coin just a couple feet away, and immediately grab it as well, and another beyond that. And another beyond that.
- >You collect the coins like a fat kid following a trail of cookies.
- >Finally, at the far end of the cavern, you come across a small mound of various gemstones, finely cut and most of them of a size that would put the Hope Diamond to shame.
- >Ecstatically, you spread them out on the floor and start rolling around in them.
- >Tiring of this, you start examining and counting them and the coins, stacking and sorting them neatly.
- >Gold coins, exactly 100. Gems.
- >Rubies, 10.
- >Diamonds, 10.
- >Emeralds, 10.
- >Sapphires, 10.
- >Peridots, 10.
- >And 10 each of garnets, opals, topazes, polished amber and jet stones.
- >And each of them has its own distinctive scent.
- >You are suddenly torn by the desire to keep them all and the delicious, distinctive smell each has.
- >Without thinking, you pop a jet stone into your mouth and bite down on it.
- >As you crush the jet stone with your powerful jaw, a burst of flavor, like licorice, fills you with utter delight and you savor it as you chomp down.
- >While tempted to devour more gems, you realize you have to keep them.
- >You almost disregard a piece of paper that was at the top of the pile, but decide to look at it. It's a note.
- These should be enough to get you started.
- Remember, magic is a snap!
- Your FRIEND, D.
- >The word "friend" is in elaborate capital letters, and the D is enormous, like an opening capital letter in an illuminated manuscript.
- >Inside it is an odd chimerical creature that looks as if it is made of leftovers from other creatures, though dragon-like features predominate.
- >And it has yellow eyes. With red irises.
- >And as you look at it, the figure suddenly snaps its fingers, winks at you, and disappears, leaving only the letter D, entwined with vines.
- >Your mind suddenly clear, you remember more of last night.
- >You let your autistic brother talk you into attending this thing.
- >"Brony rave." These two words don't fit together.
- >You didn't even watch the show.
- >You thought it might be good for a laugh.
- >It was, sort of, but kind of horrifying in other ways.
- >The one good thing, though, is there was a shocking amount of liquor there.
- >This was a good thing, because you needed it to dull your senses.
- >Seriously, you had walked by a table with ten people at it having a heated argument, yelling and shouting at each other.
- >Eavesdropping a bit, you realized they were arguing about who was "the hottest pony."
- >Arguing about and actually white knighting for the sexiness of a goddamn cartoon horse in a show for little girls!
- >So you finally ended up sitting next to a dude who seemed pretty normal in comparison, commiserating about what fruitcakes these people were.
- >But then even he started in with crazy talk about a "portal to Equestria."
- >And you agreed it'd be great, while planning your escape.
- >Now here you are.
- >And now, a lot of what that guy said makes a little more sense.
- >He kept asking you about whether you "agreed" and "consent" and other things.
- >Like a lawyer. Or for that matter, a gay guy hitting on you, which is what you were beginning to suspect.
- >And another thing he said.
- >"Come now, let's not let this thing drag on."
- >Drag on. Dragon. Ha ha. Fuck you, Carlos.
- >You remember one night your autistic brony brother was drunk and weepingly confessed to you that he dreamed of being a pony in Equestria.
- >You tried, but you really couldn't help yourself.
- >You busted a gut laughing and called him a faggot.
- >And instead of him, it's you. But you're a dragon. That's got to be cooler.
- >You wonder what kind. I wish I could see myself, you think.
- >You hear a faint fizzle, but nothing happens.
- >"Magic is a snap." That's what the note said.
- >Giving it a try, you wished you could see yourself, while snapping your fingers. Talons. Whatever.
- >Suddenly, an enormous antique mirror appears directly in front of you, faintly translucent, with a frame of corroded green copper.
- >Damn, you are a good looking son of a bitch.
- >A glowing, coppery tone, with a bit of green to liven things up.
- >You smile in the mirror to test it out. Charming, if a bit scary.
- >Noticing you have wings, you spread them out and admire them. Bitches don't know about my wings.
- >Well, you had to get back home at some point, of course, and kick this D bitch's ass.
- >But so far, this wasn't too bad. Might as well have some fun in the meantime.
- >You pop another jet stone, and then try a peridot.
- >Mmm, the dark tang of iron combines with magnesium and silicon, somehow adding up to a minty flavor, with a tingly aftertaste like an energy drink.
- >Suddenly, you are filled with paranoia that your gem stash is depleting rapidly before you have even seen this world.
- >Not stash. Hoard.
- >You need to get more. Now.
- >More gems.
- >More gold.
- >More of whatever this world has.
- >The rest can wait.
- >Looking around you, you decide this is a perfectly fine base of operations.
- >It's a cave, but whatever water activity created these stalactites and stalagmites, though it bugs you that you still forget which is which, it is long gone.
- >The air is dry and arid. As you like it. As you like it now, because you previously had no real preference.
- >You make a mental note to be concerned at these odd changes to your preferences and knowledge.
- >This D guy has messed with your mind somehow, for all his talk of friendship.
- >But more gems is the most important thing right now. You feel a burning necessity, suddenly fantasizing about hills, mountains of gold and gems.
- >And statues. And books and scrolls. And something you don't have a clear mental picture of yet.
- >But for now, gems. You need gems more than you have ever needed anything.
- >That means getting out of this cave. This beautiful cave that is your home, you find yourself thinking before catching yourself.
- >My home is Earth. Earth. Remember that, you tell yourself.
- >But back to gems. And back to getting out of here. Thinking of it, you suddenly realize your home has a back door.
- >Right. . .there. It glows with a faint green outline. This will take you directly to the surface, and is a perfect escape route if you are attacked in your lair.
- >But you feel compelled to take the less direct route out, and wrestle between the two compulsions, to leave and get gems immediately, and to explore your domain.
- >You make a quick survey of the strange, mazelike complex of carefully carved tunnels and natural caves between your main cavern and the world outside.
- >Having once designed a mildly successful maze shooter for Android, you were surprised that much of the complex resembled levels you once made.
- >You almost instantly grasp the geometry of the maze and understand that while you naturally know where you are in it, any invaders will be bewildered and lost.
- >Still, it is pretty plain and you already contemplate how you will improve it. There is a lot of fun to be had here.
- >Your maze is pretty plain.
- >You already have a lot of ideas on how to improve it. There is a lot of fun to be had here. Tricks and traps.
- >Anyone trying to attack you here will be at your mercy.
- >And you don't feel very merciful to the sort of fool who would.
- >But gems. You need gems. Those, you have to go out in the world to find.
- >So you venture out of the maze through a nearly invisible passage into the sunlight.
- >You pause to praise the Sun as your eyes adjust.
- >The terrain at the base of your mountain is dry, desert terrain. Beautiful.
- >There is a particularly high peak on the horizon, though. Even in the distance, you detect a gleaming dot of a castle and city high upon it.
- >Your sharp eyes detect a closer settlement, though, near a green forest. It is about midway between your desert and the castle.
- >No need to start ambitious. Let's see what's available in this village first.
- >Isn't that what dragons do?
- >You anxiously look down a steep cliff outside the entrance to your cave maze, pleased to note that there isn't another bit of flat earth nearby.
- >Anyone who wants to bug you has a lot of climbing to do. No Mormons. No bill collectors.
- >However, this left you with only your wings as a plausible means of travel. And here you are with a fear of heights.
- >Fuck your fear of heights.
- >So far, magic has worked.
- "I hope I don't fucking die when I try to fly to that peaceful village."
- >You snap your fingers. Talons. Whatever. You'll call them fingers if you feel like it.
- >And you leap off the cliff, spreading your wings.
- >You are surprised, as you seem to coast without effort toward your target.
- >The peaceful village, which has no idea it is about to be your bitch, looms closer as you glide along toward it.
- >Your lazy glide takes you over the town, and your interest turns to obsession as you scent a cache of gems in the town.
- >Catching a thermal, you wheel in a circle over the gems you scent.
- >From a building like a circus carousel.
- >Your plan simplifies. Land, get into this building, get the gems, fly away again.
- >That's how dragons operate, right?
- >How do I land, though? So far, you've just been gliding, catching favorable air, and drifting on it.
- >You decide to do another pass on the town before landing.
- >How could you decide to fly with no idea how to land?
- >You're still enjoying coasting along, even if you're gradually losing elevation, when you suddenly see something that disturbs you.
- >The people below you, well, they're actually ponies you see now, were oblivious of your presence.
- >But now some pony raised a hoof and shrieked in your general direction.
- >Some pony with a red mane. You hear, rising over the village, the cry of "DRAGON!"
- >A smarter dragon than you are might call off the raid at this point.
- >But you are not that dragon.
- >You are a dragon that wants, no, needs gems. NOW.
- >You see the specks that are ponies dispersing in all directions in a panic.
- >This fills you with an immense sense of glee.
- >This is what it is to be a dragon!
- >But clearly the town is alerted to your presence. You can't delay any more. Time to raid.
- >LEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEENKINS!
- >You decide just to crash into the carousel building, grab what you want, and leave.
- >The first part of the plan works smashingly. That is, you just dive headfirst into the building, smashing through the bay window, slightly regretfully since it was truly well designed.
- >Then you land on the ground floor, flipping in mid-air to catch yourself on all fours, and finding yourself face to face with a stunningly gorgeous blue-eyed white pony.
- >Wait. This can't be happening because. . .wait. A gorgeous pony? Time stands still, sort of, for a moment, but what is a moment without time?
- >No. This way lies madness. The only sensible option is to take these gems that are everywhere and escape before this entire town descends upon you.
- >You scoop up every gem you can find and then also steal a very nice dragon-sized backpack.
- >This designer is clearly worth following.
- >That designer is fleeing out the front door shouting "TWILIGHT! SPIKE! HELP!"
- >You grab a dragon-sized pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers, wondering how this rather skittish pony somehow has the same pair of sunglasses that D guy had.
- >However, upon visually examining the new additions to your hoard, you realize there are literally hundreds of gems in it.
- >Best to get back home and count all this up.
- >You put it in a bag and strap it to your back.
- >But maybe it's time to get some more stuff. After all, you have these ponies on the defense, and while you are greedy, you are also hungry.
- >Perhaps you can try to score some food while you're at it.
- >You run along the ground rapidly toward the nearest thing you see that looks like a barn.
- >Luckily for you, it is full of pigs.
- >You grab a pig and then prepare to fly off and admire your gems and devour your prey.
- >But then, the pig, struggling in your grasp, cries out.
- >"Please don't kill me, Mr. Dragon!"
- >Wait.
- >What the fuck?
- >"Please don't kill me and eat me! I have family!"
- "Holy shit a talking pig!"
- >"Are there other kinds? I just don't want to die, please don't kill me. I love dragons. I just don't want to be eaten."
- >This bullshit is totally killing your appetite.
- "Sorry. I was just kidding. But I'm kind of new here. I was kind of a carnivore already. . .that's a word for someone that eats meat. And I am kind of a dragon now."
- >You grin at the pig.
- "Why do you think we have these teeth?"
- >The pig squeals and tears off into the underbrush.
- >You could imagine better intraspecies outreach.
- >Still, you aren't about to eat creatures that beg you not to, even if you're the sort of creature that apparently does do this thing regularly.
- >Okay. Let's get back home and count up these gems.
- >That sounds like a good idea, but suddenly, you realize you have no idea whatsoever how to take flight.
- >You just jumped off a cliff and went gliding to get here. You don't even know how to flap your wings.
- >And a pig is running away screaming that you just tried to eat her.
- >And you just noticed every pony in town is converging on where you are.
- >It's almost like you're a monster or something.
- >You are feeling genuinely persecuted, as some of them literally have torches and pitchforks.
- >You flap your wings as the horde converges, but to your horror, you do not rise even an inch above the ground.
- >All these goddamn ponies. Where is my useless autistic brony brother when I need him?
- >You snap your fingers while wishing you could fly.
- >Shit. That is somehow not working either.
- >These ponies actually think they have authority over you! Let's disabuse them of that retarded bullshit pronto.
- >They're closing in. These goddamn ponies.
- >You leap in the air. With your sack of gems and lack of food.
- >Not feeling terribly energetic, you grab a handful of the gems in your sack and start chomping.
- >Bastards.
- >Other than the minerals, you have no food.
- >While you came to town hoping to go back home soon with food, the food you chose talked to you and you couldn't eat someone you just met. Now what?
- >You fly over to another building in town, with a sweet smell swirling around it.
- >Nearly dive-bombing the building on your way out of town, you note its similarity to the other building you destroyed.
- >Sweet.
- >The whole building, at least after the ponies flee, neighing and whinnying, is full of lovely, tasty cakes and pastries and everything nice.
- >You devour every single sweet pastry in the place and break all the windows in a strange ecstasy, then knock over all the tables and, for some reason, bake a batch of snickerdoodles in the oven before it cools down.
- "This is how you do it." the note says.
- >Okay. You've cut it way too close already.
- >Time to go home.
- >But when you're flying out of town, you see a carriage heading toward a prosperous looking house.
- >You have all the gems you need, but this looks like fun.
- >So you crash directly into the carriage, knocking it over, and take out the multiply locked cash box, then fly away again.
- >And while the trip back home requires a lot more flapping and thermals than your trip out, it is still a cakewalk.
- >You return home with no problem whatsoever, and add your new acquisitions to your collection, your hoard.
- >You still feel a bit guilty about terrorizing that pig. Sorry. I wouldn't have planned on killing and eating you if I knew you could hold up your end of a conversation.
- >Still. You are hungry and getting hungrier. And a fucking potato is not going to sate your appetite.
- >Those fangs and talons you have are going to have to be satisfied with flesh.
- >Also, that beautiful pony.
- >You stole her gems.
- >She couldn't defend them, so she deserved it, right?
- >Right?
- >You fly back to your impenetrable compound.
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