This is a very personal story. It is unlikely I will be unable to completely remove PII from it, as simply the general overview of the story will, if you are familiar with me individually, be obvious. I will do my best to keep those parts as vague as possible. If you are familiar with me, then please DM me if you happen to know exactly who I am, with my squadron and AFSC to prove as such before I will talk to you further. I would love to speak with you.
This is not a positive story. This is not a success story. Nor is it a failure or giving up. It’s simply what happened, and I wanted to know whether this existed in any form anywhere else in the DoJ, particularly the Armed Forces. This story isn’t even over yet. I have been afraid of publicizing what happened here, because it involves the intelligence field, which also relates to security clearances, and eventually, opsec.
The bottom line of this post is that I, after a bout with depression, bad choices, relationship issues, and a slow attrition in my desire to do the bureaucracy, turned to drugs, as many Airmen do, in various forms. I used off and on for nearly two years, starting with psychedelics, and ending in daily meth use. Now, what usually happens after that is that I get randomly tested, etc etc, general or dishonorable discharge with misconduct. However, through some grace of the higher powers, I never had a random test. Despite being well overdue for it, I never got called in.
Finally, in late 2016, I hit rock bottom. I talked to a friend, admitted everything, and he stayed up all night with me, as I mentally prepared to go in and talk to my supervisor. I got to work, no sleep, looking like shit. Asked him to speak privately. We went into the room, I told him I needed help and was addicted to methamphetamine. This began a series of events that led to my discharge, but the nature of this self-referral was very unique- my legal team had not dealt with it before, and command had no idea, no one did. No one had any precedent to look at. I was a self-referral who asked for help, with a TS/SCI clearance, and several years and deployments under my uniform.
I agree I was in the wrong. I made those mistakes and I owned up to them. I still do. I had a security clearance and was trusted with many things and expected to uphold the integrity and honor of our nation.
No one knew what to do. It was completely unprecedented in that base, and the legal team had a tough time with it. AFOSI got involved, accusing me of possibly selling or distributing, and asking if I was part of a ring or if anyone else was involved too. It was just me. No one else. I never even tried to get anyone else to try it. I would have never wanted my hell on anyone else. I told them I wouldn’t talk without a lawyer present. We turned around and drove back to base silently.
After being revoked of my security clearance temporarily until the investigation completed (naturally, I assumed as such would happen), and put in outpatient rehab, the whole deal really set in that they had no idea what they were doing or what to do period. I was put in ADAPT, essentially, and they had no programs for specifically hard drugs. I went through the alcohol course. The advisors they gave me were A1Cs who barely knew what it was like to be in the Air Force, let alone to end up in a state like I was. I was telling them my stories and giving them advice on their career.
At work, I was subjected to sitting outside the secured building, in a little office isolated from everyone. At my weakest, most vulnerable point, I was isolated all day and given almost no work to do. I sat there essentially crying all day because I didn’t know what to do, or what would happen.
Eventually, I got my answer. Honorable discharge, for misconduct (drug abuse) [jkk]. Due to self-referring and never having failed a drug test that was randomly assigned, the honorable was justified. The out processing office simply assumed that drug abuse equated to a general at most, and almost tried to give me that. I refused, and wouldn’t sign until they amended it. They amended it on the spot. This was not an upgraded general. I had this honorable straight out the gate.
I still claim my DD214 with my honorable discharge for drug abuse misconduct. My question to you, my fellow service members, veterans, active duty, whomever, is this something that happens? Do people really self-refer for something other than alcoholism, rather than simply being caught in drug tests? Does this happen in other bases? Is an honorable discharge with drug abuse on it a rarity? Am I unique? The poor outprocessing, transition, and help I got seemed to indicate as such. I got almost no help, and as soon as I was out, they forgot about me. A few close friends stayed in contact, but even my closest I never spoke to again. I lost healthcare (which I was told/assumed would extend six months) and I had an injury the month prior, and lost any physical therapy for that, which still bothers me and causes problems to this day.
I still struggle with drugs and with my depression. They talk about help, help lines, suicide lines, whatever, and yet no one ever really did anything for me except in the civilian sector. Is there some structure that needs to be changed, something that needs to be done to identify airmen at risk, and help them? To help them recover their lives when they asked for help?
I had the courage to look my supervisor in the eyes and tell him I wanted help, desperately. What I got in return was sympathy, and then mismanagement, and an attempt to get me out of their hands as quickly as possible. They didn’t want me as a blemish on their perfect squadron full of DUIs and sexual harassment. Two, three DUIs? That’s fine, you’re just endangering other people, and getting blasted every night. Do hard drugs? You deserve to be in jail.
I am still bitter over all of it. But my question remains; is this something that has happened, and something that will happen in the future?
If the system is in place and not self-defeating, I think airmen would be more apt to approach their superiors for help. I knew my career would be over the moment I did. Trying to save my life was worth it. It worked, but, left me with so much trauma I don’t know if I can recommend it to anyone else. You may just end up ignored and hurt instead of cared for and helped. I guess I ‘betrayed’ the Air Force, but in my greatest time of need, they betrayed me.
Perhaps I am trying to stand on too high of a horse. Maybe I’m just in the wrong because I was a meth addict and stuck in the loop of depression, and couldn’t control myself despite my responsibilities. Even with all that, I still asked for help. Has anyone else asked for help in this manner? Not alcohol, not weed, nothing small. Meth, heroin. Cocaine, even. Without failing a drug test, no random tests, simply you asking for help directly without anyone suspecting a thing prior.
Am I alone? Is there anyone else who has experienced this and can shed some light on how to recover from it?
Thank you so much for reading and I apologize for the heavy subject, but this is the only place I could think of finding a great number of different sorts of service members.

This account is an anonymous throwaway to protect my identity a bit.
Please remember, that if you are struggling with depression, drugs, alcohol, or anything else, seek help. Even if I had a bad experience, it still kept me from dying in a ditch somewhere. It still led me back on this road to recovery and school success. Don't think you are alone in your struggle; if no one else is, then I am here, and I felt the same things you are now. Don't let it get worse. There is always a tomorrow.
Just don't give up.