"I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try."
"I am a black belt in gift wrapping."
"Justice Beaver is a crime fighting beaver."
"Tomorrow I can tell you what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had."
"I don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me. I just want regular fries."

"I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, half-heartedly."
"If I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob, I can pretty much sell anything."
"Having a baby is exhausting - having two babies, now that's just mean.
"Everything I have I owe to this job...this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."
"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

"My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
"I just needed you to know. Once."
"Not enough? You are everything."
"That's my favorite part of Christmas, the authority."
"I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve...I was home by nine."

"Oh my boss is singing "Closing Time."
" Wow you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic."




"I think we can agree all wine tastes the same, and if you spend more than $5 on wine, you're stupid."
"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge. Let's go."
"I love games that turn people against each other."
"I declare that everything you are saying is stupid."
"I didn't win, but at least I didn't make any new friendships."

 "I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree."
"Why does everything have to be cloaked in like 15 layers of irony?"
"The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late and weird birthmarks."
"You don't add up."
"A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying."


"I really only listen to, like, German reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously."
"Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons."
"The air is so fresh. It's disgusting."
"There's no noise allowed on Mondays."
"She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her."

"I don't want to do things. I want to not do things."