a guest Jul 22nd, 2019 63 Never
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- Dear Senpai,
- I still care about you and want to take care of you. I always told you back then that f you had anything unhappy on your mind that I'd be here for you talk to me about it. I did notice it was weird that you were always happy, but I thought it was a blessing that you were. But it was reality that you had problems too. Just that you never really showed me. The problems with me, that is. You told me that you feel uncomfortable talking to me about my problems and for a day or two I sat on it thinking "okay.. it makes sense". But then I thought longer and I realised it didn't make sense. If you are going to run from me and not tell me anything about me, how was I ever going to realise what I was doing wrong to you?... Is this my fault? I think the answer becomes a no instead. Everyone has problems, especially people in relationships. We've always fought our way past our troubles until this one. I am an idiot for pushing you away, but I did what I did and I thought it was self-righteous at the time. I didn't realise it hurt you so much. My love for you has never faltered. You swore you wouldn't either. I would've always been here to listen to every problem of yours.. But for some reason you've decided to give up on me.. even though I am fighting so hard back from my first grave mistake. I have never even done anything grave before, other than this slowly hurting of you. It was a flaw in me, but when I realised it, I tried to immediately fight back. I tried to do right by you, but you've already given up on me. I cried and cried and you laugh at me like a joke. You say it pissed you off but have you thought about how I feel?.. No seriously, have you thought about what it takes to fight like the way I did, to feel those emotions that I did, and to be so affected that I did those things?... Do you think I would've broken down like that if I didn't care?... I care about you a lot. A LOT. That is why I did what I did. And all you can say is it pissed you off?.. I may have been a clown to you and your parents and you hate me for it but I had... feelings. Instead of giving me another chance, just one chance.. that I've never asked for before.. But so quickly you've already abandoned me...
- What happened to all the promises.. all the memories we had?.. All the happy times and all the times we looked at each other and said "we'll be together forever"...? When we spent all that time talking.. sleeping together.. looking at the imaginary stars together.. making slime together.. making up after being sad together.. holding my hand and pulling me everywhere.. promising we'll never let go of each other no matter what problem.. How do you just let go of all of this and jump ship at the first mistake that I make?... How could you just.. forget about me so quickly?..
- I made this mistake of hurting you because I was too busy hurting myself to realise I was hurting you. But at the end of the day, I was meaning only to hurt myself. But you?.. You're not hurting yourself.. You're so quickly happy with someone else now. I never will be again. I have had to deal with not just my own pain but the pain you're giving me. Instead of trying to give me a chance, you're just jumping ship the first chance you get to anyone who gave you a small talk about your problems.. when I.. would've wanted to be here day and night to listen and reflect on what I did wrong... I just never realised what was going on... Do you really really have no feelings for me anymore after all that we've been through?...
- You think you're the victim here but the difference between us is although I did start hurting you first, it was only because I was hurting myself. I never intended to hurt you. And you never seriously let me know how it made you feel. And now your decision is to abandon me. I never stopped loving you. Then you lie to me about how you feel. About still loving me. I never meant to hurt you and I have NEVER stopped loving you. Can you say the same? I've been done things to by you that I've never done to you and never would.. This is the difference between us. You love someone else already in such a short time without ever giving me a chance. Do you know how this makes me feel?... You don't because you have had a different treatment and you have now in your eyes somebody in front of you right now who's apparently willing to take care of you. And you're smiling. I'm alone. You have chosen to jump ship at the first chance you got when I'm here begging you to just give me one chance... How could you just drop everything so quickly and move on? What happened to all the time we spent together.. Have you really forgotten about them all?..
- You're going to tell that person all this that I said and he's going to tell you I'm trying to make you feel guilty. And you're going to feel better about yourself thinking that's all I'm trying to do. I'm.. not. If you feel guilt, it's because you know you've done wrong by me... It's not my intentions to make you feel guilt.
- So why am I saying all this?.. To let you know that I.. I'm done with you. I don't know how you live with yourself hurting the person you once loved the most and still loves you back more than anything in the world, but you just.. treat him like a laughing stock now. Take a look at yourself..
- Yeah.. Go on and move on to the Sui with that lovey dovey voice when you speak to them for the first time and tell them you love them within a few days... Forget every single memory we had, happy or sad. Forget every single of the million words we said to each other. And move on from me when I needed you the most. When I was dealing with my struggles that I accidentally hurt you.. but afterwards you intentionally hurt me like this.
- The sophie I knew would never go around talking like this behind the person's back and seeing them as a joke. I don't know how you've turned into this unrecognisable person that you are now. But I still forgave you.
- And also I was.. very.. kid-like which you've come to notice and also like to see me as a laughing stock for when really it is just.. how I felt inside when you made me happy. When you kissed me even though it seemed like you didn't love me anymore. When you were down and I was trying to be cheerful for you. When I wanted to make you feel like I was cute... I carried bunny around when I was sad because I was scared and it was the closest thing to you I could ever hug and find comfort in.. The kid-likeness inside me only came with wanting to be with you and seeing you happy... It isn't there when you aren't there.
- As much as I realise I was the one who started this (which I regret with my life..).. It was a mistake and I only wanted to hurt myself to feel better.. And I just wanted one big second chance.. which you didn't want to give me.. even though I'd never asked for it before.. I wanted to make things right for you.. which I never got the chance to.. because I never realised it until it was too late.
- "I could never love again".. Yeah.. Right.. Just give yourself a few days and you're good to go.. "I just laid there crying the whole night.." .... Yeah... right... Saying you gotta go to sleep when you just went in bed to talk to someone else and masturbate for the next 3 hours...
- And when I came and told you not to mind what Sui might've said, it was because before the trip began I was kind of at my lowest low and I asked him on advice on how to be abused.. which I suspected he might've tried to tell you and help me with it.. But instead you both used what I said as a way to see me as a queer and that you feared I would hurt you... I just... died inside.. so much... realising you thought I could ever hurt you. And that you became really scared and might scream and tell your mum and had thoughts of who was stronger to calm yourself down.. You don't know what all this feels like.. do you?..
- You say you're broken but you don't know the meaning of broken until the person you love most has betrayed you like this when you've never once lost faith in them through anything... Even when you flirt behind their back.. don't tell them the truth.. pretend like you're happy.. Call them a cunt and a dumb fuck.. Laugh at them like a joke.. And get pissed at them when they try to make ends meet for the first time in the relationship.. Because their life is absolutely nothing without you..
- But he still tries to smile for you and wants things to go back.
- This was why I was sad and happy erratically and all you saw of me was that I was "weird".. when deep down I was struggling and trying so hard all for you.
- I may have hurt you but I never meant to. And I never felt like I was even given a second chance because you never spoke to me about myself. And now that you're hurt you've decided to lose faith in me and hurt me. I tell Sui and he tries to make it seem like it's my fault. To carry all the weight. Just read that and there is just.. so much wrong in that. But you trust him when he tells you I'm the one to carry all the weight.
- I don't know what happened to the sophie I loved that'd tell me she loved me "forever and EVER." in the jumpiest and happiest voice ever... But I will never be able to get her out of my head again. And those words will stick with me, where instead you have someone to count on next.
- I can't recall the amount of times your words play back in my head and the images of us doing stuff together and smiling playing out.. And tears just instantly fall. I am sure I have cried more than you. But you don't care.
- Goodbye for real this time.. Sophie. Thank you for everything in the past.
- I will let you go. But I will never be able to forget those memories we had. And a person I couldn't love more in my life. You were the best person I've ever met back when you still loved me, and that is why I will always want to love you. She would've still loved me back and forever I will wait for her if she ever comes back. If there is still any bit of that old sophie still there.. just come back some day.... please....
- Love forever,
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