TheIndianaJo Mar 22nd, 2018 147 Never
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- Hey. So, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these but I have some news about my future with SRX and Speedrunning/Streaming in general. I’m going to start off by saying, I’m sorry. I made a lot of mistakes with Fall. I will continue to acknowledge that I’m not perfect. I don’t always make good choices, I just do the best that I can at the time and try to learn from my mistakes.
- After Fall a went through a lot of personal changes. I moved really far away from TN. I got to know my significant other a lot more. I re-connected with my family and helped heal some old wounds. I went through some pretty shitty drama with my ex and went through some pretty shitty drama with my living situation. I got fucked pretty hard financially and have had to fight really hard to make ends meet. All normal life things, but all at once. It feels like time’s flown by.
- During this time, I’ve done a lot of reflecting and I’ve made a really difficult decision involving SRX. SRX spring last year was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I remember sitting in the car, sobbing, because I was so happy that I couldn’t stop crying. Sure, there was some other bad stuff going on but that moment was pure heaven for me. I’ll never forget it. However, since then a lot has happened. I’m not talking about SRX at this point. I’m talking about life and relationships.
- I’m a very emotional person. It’s both a huge fault of mine and it’s also a huge strength in other ways. I get seriously emotionally attached to people right off the bat. I’m very trusting, and easily manipulated. I love a little too hard, sometimes. I just want the best for other people and I want to be liked and cared for the same way I care for others.
- I was introduced to a community who do not put emphasis on emotions or strongly built friendships or trust. I was involved heavily in a community for a while who tear each other apart and betray each other just to watch the drama unfold. It’s not a place for people who can’t handle being bullied.
- I was never meant for this. I am far too emotional. I’ve got a pretty fucked up sense of humor but that does not grant me the ability to fit in with these people. Every word of every bad thing that has been said about me for MONTHS, has been taken so fucking personally, regardless of whether that was the intention and I’m hurt beyond words.
- My trust has been breached, my faith in people has been completely destroyed and I’m afraid that the person I used to be who so innocently believed that other people held the same morals and values as myself, has been irreparably broken.
- I’m so emotionally distraught by all of this that I can hardly function sometimes and it’s come to a point that I see it coloring everything that I do. I’ve become more anxious than I have ever been and my depression has become so much worse than I ever remember it being, that I don’t even know where to begin to start getting to heal again. I feel like I’m being torn completely apart.
- I have a lot of other things going on, outside of this. My health has been a huge fucking mess and I have a lot of stress from finances and other things. I’m afraid that I may lose my father this year and have been trying to prepare myself for that. I don’t want to go into too much detail but I will say that recent developments with this group of people I considered to be “my friends” has really just been the icing on the cake in this decision making process.
- I said earlier that I try to learn from mistakes. My biggest mistake at fall was letting my emotions overwhelm me to the point that I was unable to make good decisions or function properly at all for the event.
- I recognize at this moment in time that the way I feel and what I am going through in my personal life does not warrant my continued Presidency of SRX. I am in no place to be able to carry the responsibilities that are required to be in a position of power over this marathon. Granted, the title really doesn’t mean as much as you might think. I have far too much going on with my father dying, my upcoming move, my relationship, and everything else. It’s just not something I would consider myself capable of continuing to do. I am too overwhelmed with outside responsibilities and too emotional.
- I do intend to participate in SRX Spring coming up and to hold my title during that time. I will do my absolute very best and have committed to this event, heart and soul. Staff, Runners, and friends have been so supportive and helpful. I have worked extra hard in the couple of weeks following my announcement to retire to staff, to be sure that it’s an extra special event. I want everyone to enjoy it and I want to enjoy it too. Following the marathon, however, I am stepping down as President and will be leaving staff.
- I will no longer be streaming or participating in Speedrunning. I am not emotionally equipped to continue with this. I will not be visiting people’s channels. I have a lot of other things that require my full focus and I intend to focus on them. All of these things used to be a wonderful way for me to cope with stress and anxiety and depression but I need to move away from them for a while and take care of myself in other ways.
- I hate this, because this marathon really does mean so much to me, but it is my responsibility to make this call for the betterment of SRX and for the people involved. I will leave it up to the remaining staff members to decide when they’ll announce a new President but SRX DOES have a very bright future ahead of it. It will continue to go on and will continue to be a fantastic and friendly event.
- I’m so sorry. I hope that sometime in the near future, I might recover and feel emotionally healthy again but for now, I’m not there. I’m just not in a place where I can handle it with so many other things that are important, calling for my attention.
- I am finding solace in my relationship with my incredibly supportive and loving boyfriend, my family, my supportive friends, and of course, my little fat brown dog. I look forward to a brighter and hopefully, happier future.
- Please feel free to DM me with any questions.
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