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Anthony Jeselnik-Fire in the Maternity Ward (2019) eng

sofiasari May 30th, 2019 924 Never
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  4. Support dengan like & share :)
  5.  
  6. 1
  7. 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,008
  8. [cheering and applause]
  9.  
  10. 2
  11. 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:19,519
  12. [cheering and applause ends]
  13.  
  14. 3
  15. 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:22,522
  16. Now...
  17.  
  18. 4
  19. 00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:23,732
  20. [laughter]
  21.  
  22. 5
  23. 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:27,694
  24. my best friend's wife
  25. is a born again Christian,
  26.  
  27. 6
  28. 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,864
  29. and we do not get along at all.
  30.  
  31. 7
  32. 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,032
  33. [laughter]
  34.  
  35. 8
  36. 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,284
  37. The other day, she called me up
  38. to yell at me,
  39.  
  40. 9
  41. 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,746
  42. saying I'm a terrible influence
  43. on her husband
  44.  
  45. 10
  46. 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,582
  47. because he called her a bad name.
  48.  
  49. 11
  50. 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:42,500
  51. I said, "What?
  52.  
  53. 12
  54. 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,211
  55. Did he call you a bitch?"
  56.  
  57. 13
  58. 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,796
  59. [laughter]
  60.  
  61. 14
  62. 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,506
  63. She said, "No, Anthony.
  64.  
  65. 15
  66. 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,176
  67. He did not use the B word."
  68.  
  69. 16
  70. 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:52,927
  71. [laughter]
  72.  
  73. 17
  74. 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,596
  75. I said, "Uh-oh."
  76.  
  77. 18
  78. 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,223
  79. [laughter]
  80.  
  81. 19
  82. 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,399
  83. "Did he call you a cunt?"
  84.  
  85. 20
  86. 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,526
  87. [laughter]
  88.  
  89. 21
  90. 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:14,574
  91. She said, "No." I said,
  92. "Well, then he didn't hear it from me."
  93.  
  94. 22
  95. 00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:19,746
  96. [laughter and applause]
  97.  
  98. 23
  99. 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:37,013
  100. Yeah, that's pretty much
  101. the greatest opening joke of all time.
  102.  
  103. 24
  104. 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,099
  105. [laughter]
  106.  
  107. 25
  108. 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,352
  109. Because even if
  110. you've never heard of me before,
  111.  
  112. 26
  113. 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,646
  114. which I doubt...
  115.  
  116. 27
  117. 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:46,731
  118. [laughter]
  119.  
  120. 28
  121. 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:51,402
  122. you listen to that first joke,
  123. you're like, "Oh I get it.
  124.  
  125. 29
  126. 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,488
  127. [laughter]
  128.  
  129. 30
  130. 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,031
  131. He's fucking brilliant."
  132.  
  133. 31
  134. 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,117
  135. [laughter]
  136.  
  137. 32
  138. 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,042
  139. My sister just had a baby.
  140.  
  141. 33
  142. 00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:11,172
  143. My sister had a baby
  144. to try to save the relationship.
  145.  
  146. 34
  147. 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,258
  148. [hisses]
  149.  
  150. 35
  151. 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,593
  152. But I still don't talk to her.
  153.  
  154. 36
  155. 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,762
  156. [laughter]
  157.  
  158. 37
  159. 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,114
  160. Guys, this is gonna take forever.
  161.  
  162. 38
  163. 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:38,825
  164. -Um...
  165. -[laughter]
  166.  
  167. 39
  168. 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:49,169
  169. Life can be funny sometimes, all right?
  170. Like, I can't get into details right now.
  171.  
  172. 40
  173. 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,088
  174. But earlier this week,
  175.  
  176. 41
  177. 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:57,093
  178. I received the single greatest phone call
  179. of my life.
  180.  
  181. 42
  182. 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,888
  183. And then just five minutes later,
  184.  
  185. 43
  186. 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,015
  187. I got another call
  188.  
  189. 44
  190. 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:04,726
  191. telling me that my dad is in the hospital.
  192.  
  193. 45
  194. 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,563
  195. I said, "Yeah, I just heard."
  196.  
  197. 46
  198. 00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:11,608
  199. [laughter]
  200.  
  201. 47
  202. 00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:29,292
  203. I mean, look, I don't want to give
  204. you guys the wrong impression, you know.
  205.  
  206. 48
  207. 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,003
  208. I didn't hate my father.
  209.  
  210. 49
  211. 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,631
  212. My father wasn't a bad guy.
  213.  
  214. 50
  215. 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,550
  216. For instance, I never once,
  217.  
  218. 51
  219. 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,969
  220. not once, not ever, ever
  221.  
  222. 52
  223. 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,805
  224. saw my dad hit my mother.
  225.  
  226. 53
  227. 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:48,144
  228. I mean, he was quick and you can't...
  229.  
  230. 54
  231. 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,980
  232. [laughter]
  233.  
  234. 55
  235. 00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:58,071
  236. you can't teach speed.
  237. That comes from here.
  238.  
  239. 56
  240. 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,156
  241. [laughter]
  242.  
  243. 57
  244. 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,998
  245. I remember when I was 13,
  246.  
  247. 58
  248. 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,627
  249. my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson's 
  250.  
  251. 59
  252. 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,004
  253. and my dad just gave up immediately.
  254.  
  255. 60
  256. 00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:18,549
  257. Said, "I can't deal with this,
  258. I can't live like this,"
  259.  
  260. 61
  261. 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,968
  262. and packed up his car.
  263.  
  264. 62
  265. 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,012
  266. So, as a 13-year-old boy,
  267.  
  268. 63
  269. 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:27,225
  270. I had to be the one to roll up my sleeves
  271. and say, "Okay.
  272.  
  273. 64
  274. 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,937
  275. Guess I'm going with Dad.
  276.  
  277. 65
  278. 00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,564
  279. [laughter]
  280.  
  281. 66
  282. 00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:46,786
  283. Sounds like Mom needs some alone time."
  284.  
  285. 67
  286. 00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:48,871
  287. [laughter]
  288.  
  289. 68
  290. 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:56,587
  291. I think, like a lot of guys....
  292.  
  293. 69
  294. 00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,674
  295. I'll never forget
  296.  
  297. 70
  298. 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:03,136
  299. the one time I saw my dad's penis.
  300.  
  301. 71
  302. 00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:05,221
  303. [laughter]
  304.  
  305. 72
  306. 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,265
  307. I said, "Dad,
  308.  
  309. 73
  310. 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,852
  311. don't text me shit like that."
  312.  
  313. 74
  314. 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:13,688
  315. [laughter and applause]
  316.  
  317. 75
  318. 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:34,959
  319. When I was a kid,
  320. my family used to move around a lot.
  321.  
  322. 76
  323. 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,461
  324. [clears throat]
  325.  
  326. 77
  327. 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,088
  328. But now they're all fat as fuck.
  329.  
  330. 78
  331. 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,174
  332. [laughter]
  333.  
  334. 79
  335. 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:47,972
  336. To give you an idea...
  337.  
  338. 80
  339. 00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:53,478
  340. To give you all an idea
  341. of how crazy my family is,
  342.  
  343. 81
  344. 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,607
  345. I'm not even the biggest asshole
  346. in my own family.
  347.  
  348. 82
  349. 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,192
  350. [laughter]
  351.  
  352. 83
  353. 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:01,736
  354. I have this cousin.
  355.  
  356. 84
  357. 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:07,241
  358. Everybody hated this cousin,
  359. my own family hated this cousin.
  360.  
  361. 85
  362. 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,702
  363. And then a couple of years ago,
  364.  
  365. 86
  366. 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,455
  367. my cousin fell off of a horse
  368.  
  369. 87
  370. 00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,248
  371. and broke his neck.
  372.  
  373. 88
  374. 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:19,003
  375. We all refer to that
  376. as "the Superman incident."
  377.  
  378. 89
  379. 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,465
  380. [laughter]
  381.  
  382. 90
  383. 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,684
  384. Because that horse is a hero.
  385.  
  386. 91
  387. 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,686
  388. [laughter and applause]
  389.  
  390. 92
  391. 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:51,994
  392. When I was in high school,
  393. my high school employed a blind janitor.
  394.  
  395. 93
  396. 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:56,082
  397. One hundred percent totally blind.
  398.  
  399. 94
  400. 00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:59,293
  401. And all the other kids would joke around
  402.  
  403. 95
  404. 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,839
  405. that he went blind
  406. from masturbating too much.
  407.  
  408. 96
  409. 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,465
  410. [laughter]
  411.  
  412. 97
  413. 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,300
  414. And at the time, I believed that.
  415.  
  416. 98
  417. 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,845
  418. I was just a kid,
  419. I didn't know any better.
  420.  
  421. 99
  422. 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:14,976
  423. It wasn't until I got older, wiser,
  424. I realized that's just an old wives' tale
  425.  
  426. 100
  427. 00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:16,394
  428. they used to use to...
  429.  
  430. 101
  431. 00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:21,274
  432. try to explain why
  433. he was always masturbating.
  434.  
  435. 102
  436. 00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:22,775
  437. [laughter]
  438.  
  439. 103
  440. 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,545
  441. One of my good friends is a narcoleptic.
  442.  
  443. 104
  444. 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,799
  445. A narcoleptic. It's the craziest shit.
  446.  
  447. 105
  448. 00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:52,305
  449. One minute, we're having a conversation,
  450. like, everything is completely normal.
  451.  
  452. 106
  453. 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,932
  454. And then the next thing I know,
  455.  
  456. 107
  457. 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,851
  458. I'm having sex.
  459.  
  460. 108
  461. 00:07:56,934 --> 00:08:00,146
  462. -It's...
  463. -[laughter]
  464.  
  465. 109
  466. 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,164
  467. Did everybody get that one?
  468.  
  469. 110
  470. 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:20,249
  471. [laughter]
  472.  
  473. 111
  474. 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,336
  475. [cheering and applause]
  476.  
  477. 112
  478. 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,091
  479. If you didn't get that last joke,
  480. don't worry.
  481.  
  482. 113
  483. 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,678
  484. This next joke is just like it.
  485.  
  486. 114
  487. 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,306
  488. Only dumb.
  489.  
  490. 115
  491. 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:37,850
  492. [laughter]
  493.  
  494. 116
  495. 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:44,732
  496. One of my old friends from high school
  497. now works as a doctor
  498.  
  499. 117
  500. 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,359
  501. in the emergency room.
  502.  
  503. 118
  504. 00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:51,072
  505. He once told me that 25% of his job
  506.  
  507. 119
  508. 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:55,368
  509. is pulling strange objects
  510. out of people's asses.
  511.  
  512. 120
  513. 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,288
  514. We don't talk much anymore.
  515.  
  516. 121
  517. 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,374
  518. [laughter]
  519.  
  520. 122
  521. 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,383
  522. But I see him all the time.
  523.  
  524. 123
  525. 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,468
  526. [laughter]
  527.  
  528. 124
  529. 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:21,602
  530. If you didn't get either joke,
  531. how did you figure out Netflix?
  532.  
  533. 125
  534. 00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:23,688
  535. [laughter]
  536.  
  537. 126
  538. 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,861
  539. I live in Los Angeles.
  540.  
  541. 127
  542. 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:33,614
  543. Like you fucking wish you could.
  544.  
  545. 128
  546. 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,700
  547. [laughter]
  548.  
  549. 129
  550. 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:37,827
  551. [male audience member] Yeah!
  552.  
  553. 130
  554. 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,747
  555. I like my place.
  556.  
  557. 131
  558. 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,333
  559. I'm not that crazy about my neighbors.
  560.  
  561. 132
  562. 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,919
  563. Like, I live on the same street
  564.  
  565. 133
  566. 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:51,674
  567. as three different families
  568. of Jehovah's Witnesses.
  569.  
  570. 134
  571. 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:57,013
  572. And no matter how many times
  573. I tell them, "No, absolutely not,"
  574.  
  575. 135
  576. 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,599
  577. they still come by twice a week
  578.  
  579. 136
  580. 00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,225
  581. and say, "Anthony,
  582.  
  583. 137
  584. 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,812
  585. please stop throwing rocks at our houses."
  586.  
  587. 138
  588. 00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,897
  589. [laughter]
  590.  
  591. 139
  592. 00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,408
  593. "Don't push your religion on me."
  594.  
  595. 140
  596. 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,577
  597. [laughter]
  598.  
  599. 141
  600. 00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:25,207
  601. And they're not even the worst
  602. of my neighbors.
  603.  
  604. 142
  605. 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:29,920
  606. One of my next-door neighbors
  607. is a 90-year-old man
  608.  
  609. 143
  610. 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,173
  611. suffering from Alzheimer's.
  612.  
  613. 144
  614. 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:37,136
  615. And every single morning at 9 a.m.
  616.  
  617. 145
  618. 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:42,767
  619. he knocks on my door, and he asks me
  620. if I have seen his wife.
  621.  
  622. 146
  623. 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:44,977
  624. Which means...
  625.  
  626. 147
  627. 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,981
  628. that every single morning at 9 a.m.
  629.  
  630. 148
  631. 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:54,320
  632. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man
  633. suffering from Alzheimer's
  634.  
  635. 149
  636. 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:58,658
  637. that his wife has been dead
  638. for quite some time.
  639.  
  640. 150
  641. 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,327
  642. Now, I have thought about moving.
  643.  
  644. 151
  645. 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:06,040
  646. I have thought about just not answering
  647. my door in the morning,
  648.  
  649. 152
  650. 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,667
  651. but to be honest,
  652.  
  653. 153
  654. 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,585
  655. it's worth it
  656.  
  657. 154
  658. 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,880
  659. just to see the smile on his face.
  660.  
  661. 155
  662. 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:17,426
  663. [laughter and applause]
  664.  
  665. 156
  666. 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:32,400
  667. Yeah, for some reason,
  668. that joke's a crowd-pleaser.
  669.  
  670. 157
  671. 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,359
  672. [laughter]
  673.  
  674. 158
  675. 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:42,201
  676. My grandmother is suffering
  677. from dementia right now.
  678.  
  679. 159
  680. 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,162
  681. She forgets who she is,
  682.  
  683. 160
  684. 00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,332
  685. wanders out of the house
  686. and gets lost for hours.
  687.  
  688. 161
  689. 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,667
  690. It's a problem.
  691.  
  692. 162
  693. 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,502
  694. So what I did...
  695.  
  696. 163
  697. 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,505
  698. is I tied a bell around her neck.
  699.  
  700. 164
  701. 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,551
  702. Sounds inhumane, sure.
  703.  
  704. 165
  705. 00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,344
  706. But problem solved.
  707.  
  708. 166
  709. 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,971
  710. [laughter]
  711.  
  712. 167
  713. 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:03,764
  714. I mean, that thing is...
  715.  
  716. 168
  717. 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,391
  718. really heavy.
  719.  
  720. 169
  721. 00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,476
  722. [laughter]
  723.  
  724. 170
  725. 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,568
  726. If you're not laughing right now...
  727.  
  728. 171
  729. 00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,653
  730. [laughter]
  731.  
  732. 172
  733. 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,115
  734. ...the problem is your imagination.
  735.  
  736. 173
  737. 00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,325
  738. [laughter]
  739.  
  740. 174
  741. 00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:28,581
  742. Don't get mad at me 'cause you don't know
  743. how big bells can get.
  744.  
  745. 175
  746. 00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:30,666
  747. [laughter]
  748.  
  749. 176
  750. 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:41,093
  751. I remember, like, a couple weeks
  752. after my grandfather died,
  753.  
  754. 177
  755. 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:45,264
  756. my father discovered a giant trove
  757.  
  758. 178
  759. 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,600
  760. of vintage pornography.
  761.  
  762. 179
  763. 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:50,728
  764. Frankly, an embarrassing amount
  765.  
  766. 180
  767. 00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,189
  768. of vintage pornography.
  769.  
  770. 181
  771. 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,567
  772. So I blamed it on Grandpa.
  773.  
  774. 182
  775. 00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:59,445
  776. [laughter]
  777.  
  778. 183
  779. 00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:12,166
  780. My grandfather died a couple of years ago.
  781.  
  782. 184
  783. 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:13,876
  784. But he died like a king.
  785.  
  786. 185
  787. 00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:15,669
  788. No one was even mad.
  789.  
  790. 186
  791. 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,424
  792. My grandfather died in what has to be
  793. the best way possible.
  794.  
  795. 187
  796. 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:26,680
  797. My grandfather died in a hammock,
  798. on a beach in Hawaii
  799.  
  800. 188
  801. 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:28,390
  802. during a sunset.
  803.  
  804. 189
  805. 00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:30,851
  806. That's how I want to go out.
  807.  
  808. 190
  809. 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:33,771
  810. Strangled to death.
  811.  
  812. 191
  813. 00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:35,731
  814. [laughter]
  815.  
  816. 192
  817. 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,191
  818. It just seems like fun.
  819.  
  820. 193
  821. 00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,276
  822. [laughter]
  823.  
  824. 194
  825. 00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,112
  826. You know, sometimes...
  827.  
  828. 195
  829. 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,741
  830. Sometimes I wonder
  831. if I could kill someone.
  832.  
  833. 196
  834. 00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:50,454
  835. Like, do I have it in me
  836. to take a human life?
  837.  
  838. 197
  839. 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,414
  840. And then I remember...
  841.  
  842. 198
  843. 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,626
  844. Oh, yeah, Debbie.
  845.  
  846. 199
  847. 00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,711
  848. [laughter]
  849.  
  850. 200
  851. 00:13:58,462 --> 00:13:59,713
  852. How do you...
  853.  
  854. 201
  855. 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,799
  856. [laughter]
  857.  
  858. 202
  859. 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,263
  860. How do you forget Debbie?
  861.  
  862. 203
  863. 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,348
  864. [laughter]
  865.  
  866. 204
  867. 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:11,642
  868. She was special.
  869.  
  870. 205
  871. 00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:13,727
  872. [laughter]
  873.  
  874. 206
  875. 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,275
  876. Speaking of special,
  877.  
  878. 207
  879. 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,070
  880. went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago,
  881.  
  882. 208
  883. 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,072
  884. found that I'm special.
  885.  
  886. 209
  887. 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,782
  888. [laughter]
  889.  
  890. 210
  891. 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,034
  892. Went to the doctor, took a blood test.
  893.  
  894. 211
  895. 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,828
  896. My results came back.
  897.  
  898. 212
  899. 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,581
  900. Doctor told me my blood type
  901.  
  902. 213
  903. 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,083
  904. is O-negative.
  905.  
  906. 214
  907. 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:38,586
  908. You know what that means?
  909.  
  910. 215
  911. 00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,255
  912. Means I'm the fucking best.
  913.  
  914. 216
  915. 00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,173
  916. [laughter]
  917.  
  918. 217
  919. 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,134
  920. Means I'm a universal donor.
  921.  
  922. 218
  923. 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:49,972
  924. Means I can give my blood
  925. to anyone else in the world
  926.  
  927. 219
  928. 00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,266
  929. who also has AIDS.
  930.  
  931. 220
  932. 00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:54,977
  933. [laughter and applause]
  934.  
  935. 221
  936. 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,192
  937. Uh-huh.
  938.  
  939. 222
  940. 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,787
  941. I am not afraid to say this,
  942.  
  943. 223
  944. 00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:16,498
  945. I hate pretty much
  946.  
  947. 224
  948. 00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:20,252
  949. every single religion in the world.
  950.  
  951. 225
  952. 00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:23,339
  953. -[scattered cheers]
  954. -Let me repeat that.
  955.  
  956. 226
  957. 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,799
  958. [applause]
  959.  
  960. 227
  961. 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,968
  962. I hate pretty much
  963.  
  964. 228
  965. 00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,971
  966. every single religion in the world.
  967.  
  968. 229
  969. 00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:32,806
  970. Did you know there's a religion
  971.  
  972. 230
  973. 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,559
  974. called Christian Science,
  975.  
  976. 231
  977. 00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:37,937
  978. where they believe
  979.  
  980. 232
  981. 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:41,857
  982. that even if their own children
  983. are sick and dying
  984.  
  985. 233
  986. 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:45,694
  987. and all they need to save their lives
  988. is a little bit of medicine,
  989.  
  990. 234
  991. 00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:50,491
  992. their beliefs won't let them
  993. give their own children that medicine.
  994.  
  995. 235
  996. 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,203
  997. That's the only good religion.
  998.  
  999. 236
  1000. 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,163
  1001. [laughter]
  1002.  
  1003. 237
  1004. 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,633
  1005. I was like, "Get me a cup
  1006. that I can put toothbrushes in."
  1007.  
  1008. 238
  1009. 00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:09,718
  1010. [laughter]
  1011.  
  1012. 239
  1013. 00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:22,940
  1014. All right, guys, listen,
  1015.  
  1016. 240
  1017. 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:25,317
  1018. jokes are all well and good.
  1019.  
  1020. 241
  1021. 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:29,363
  1022. I'd like to take a couple of minutes
  1023. right now and talk about something
  1024.  
  1025. 242
  1026. 00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:30,823
  1027. that is important to me.
  1028.  
  1029. 243
  1030. 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:35,285
  1031. And I will preface this by saying
  1032. there's a lot of people right now
  1033.  
  1034. 244
  1035. 00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:38,789
  1036. who say that stand-up comedians
  1037. should just stick to comedy,
  1038.  
  1039. 245
  1040. 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,083
  1041. and not talk about anything else.
  1042.  
  1043. 246
  1044. 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,501
  1045. I disagree.
  1046.  
  1047. 247
  1048. 00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:46,422
  1049. I think that stand-up comedy
  1050. doesn't always have to be funny.
  1051.  
  1052. 248
  1053. 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:50,092
  1054. Stand-up comedy doesn't
  1055. always have to be entertaining.
  1056.  
  1057. 249
  1058. 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:53,512
  1059. Sometimes, it's about
  1060. speaking truth to power.
  1061.  
  1062. 250
  1063. 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,055
  1064. Sometimes,
  1065.  
  1066. 251
  1067. 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:57,433
  1068. it's about pointing out wrongs
  1069. in the world,
  1070.  
  1071. 252
  1072. 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,810
  1073. even though it might not be popular.
  1074.  
  1075. 253
  1076. 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:01,145
  1077. So please,
  1078.  
  1079. 254
  1080. 00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:02,938
  1081. indulge me.
  1082.  
  1083. 255
  1084. 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,317
  1085. With all the terrible things
  1086. going on in America right now,
  1087.  
  1088. 256
  1089. 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:10,279
  1090. and you know exactly what
  1091. I'm fucking talking about...
  1092.  
  1093. 257
  1094. 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,364
  1095. [laughter]
  1096.  
  1097. 258
  1098. 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,659
  1099. With all the terrible things going on
  1100. in this country right now,
  1101.  
  1102. 259
  1103. 00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:17,995
  1104. the thing that drives me the most crazy
  1105.  
  1106. 260
  1107. 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,290
  1108. are the people who see
  1109. all this awful stuff happening,
  1110.  
  1111. 261
  1112. 00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:24,668
  1113. and they still flip out
  1114. over the little things.
  1115.  
  1116. 262
  1117. 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,588
  1118. My biggest pet peeve in America today
  1119.  
  1120. 263
  1121. 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,549
  1122. are people will see
  1123. all this horrible stuff going on
  1124.  
  1125. 264
  1126. 00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:35,679
  1127. and yet they still overreact
  1128. to shit that just does not matter.
  1129.  
  1130. 265
  1131. 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,474
  1132. For example...
  1133.  
  1134. 266
  1135. 00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,771
  1136. have you ever dropped a baby?
  1137.  
  1138. 267
  1139. 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,981
  1140. [laughter]
  1141.  
  1142. 268
  1143. 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,494
  1144. Holy shit, do people overreact!
  1145.  
  1146. 269
  1147. 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,579
  1148. [laughter]
  1149.  
  1150. 270
  1151. 00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:06,126
  1152. You drop a baby in America today,
  1153.  
  1154. 271
  1155. 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:11,256
  1156. I swear people hit the roof
  1157. before the baby even touches the floor.
  1158.  
  1159. 272
  1160. 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,342
  1161. [laughter]
  1162.  
  1163. 273
  1164. 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,971
  1165. And it's not a big deal.
  1166.  
  1167. 274
  1168. 00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:20,682
  1169. How do I know?
  1170.  
  1171. 275
  1172. 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:25,145
  1173. Because I do it all the time.
  1174.  
  1175. 276
  1176. 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,231
  1177. [laughter]
  1178.  
  1179. 277
  1180. 00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:29,691
  1181. In fact,
  1182.  
  1183. 278
  1184. 00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,319
  1185. I don't think I've ever held a baby...
  1186.  
  1187. 279
  1188. 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:35,489
  1189. to completion.
  1190.  
  1191. 280
  1192. 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,783
  1193. [laughter]
  1194.  
  1195. 281
  1196. 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,959
  1197. And you might be thinking, "Anthony,
  1198.  
  1199. 282
  1200. 00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:49,128
  1201. how could you drop a baby?"
  1202.  
  1203. 283
  1204. 00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,047
  1205. You ever held a baby?
  1206.  
  1207. 284
  1208. 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,549
  1209. [laughter]
  1210.  
  1211. 285
  1212. 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:55,926
  1213. How could you not?
  1214.  
  1215. 286
  1216. 00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,011
  1217. [laughter]
  1218.  
  1219. 287
  1220. 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:02,724
  1221. It's so easy.
  1222.  
  1223. 288
  1224. 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,852
  1225. [laughter]
  1226.  
  1227. 289
  1228. 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,146
  1229. It's a two-step process.
  1230.  
  1231. 290
  1232. 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:08,730
  1233. [laughter]
  1234.  
  1235. 291
  1236. 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:09,857
  1237. Maybe less.
  1238.  
  1239. 292
  1240. 00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:11,775
  1241. [laughter]
  1242.  
  1243. 293
  1244. 00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,485
  1245. Should you ask, "Anthony,
  1246.  
  1247. 294
  1248. 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,488
  1249. why would anyone
  1250. ever let you hold their baby?"
  1251.  
  1252. 295
  1253. 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:18,782
  1254. The answer is simple.
  1255.  
  1256. 296
  1257. 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,243
  1258. Negligence.
  1259.  
  1260. 297
  1261. 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,328
  1262. [laughter]
  1263.  
  1264. 298
  1265. 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:24,371
  1266. I love it.
  1267.  
  1268. 299
  1269. 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:25,873
  1270. It's a hobby.
  1271.  
  1272. 300
  1273. 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:28,750
  1274. The only negative,
  1275.  
  1276. 301
  1277. 00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:31,670
  1278. the only drawback,
  1279. as far as I'm concerned:
  1280.  
  1281. 302
  1282. 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,297
  1283. the embarrassment.
  1284.  
  1285. 303
  1286. 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:37,676
  1287. People try to shame you
  1288. when you drop their baby...
  1289.  
  1290. 304
  1291. 00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,636
  1292. [laughter]
  1293.  
  1294. 305
  1295. 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,724
  1296. ...even though I almost always
  1297. make it look like an accident.
  1298.  
  1299. 306
  1300. 00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,809
  1301. [laughter]
  1302.  
  1303. 307
  1304. 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,567
  1305. That's why this is so great.
  1306. You ever do this?
  1307.  
  1308. 308
  1309. 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,944
  1310. You ever drop a baby...
  1311.  
  1312. 309
  1313. 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,992
  1314. and then scoop it right back up
  1315. before anybody sees you?
  1316.  
  1317. 310
  1318. 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,787
  1319. [laughter]
  1320.  
  1321. 311
  1322. 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,291
  1323. No shit,
  1324.  
  1325. 312
  1326. 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,544
  1327. -best feeling in the world.
  1328. -[laughter]
  1329.  
  1330. 313
  1331. 00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:18,717
  1332. You just hand the baby back
  1333. and no one is the wiser.
  1334.  
  1335. 314
  1336. 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,260
  1337. [laughter]
  1338.  
  1339. 315
  1340. 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:21,678
  1341. Especially...
  1342.  
  1343. 316
  1344. 00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:23,472
  1345. not that baby.
  1346.  
  1347. 317
  1348. 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,557
  1349. [laughter]
  1350.  
  1351. 318
  1352. 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,731
  1353. Happened to me just last weekend.
  1354.  
  1355. 319
  1356. 00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:35,651
  1357. I was at a party.
  1358.  
  1359. 320
  1360. 00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:39,738
  1361. One of my friends come up and said,
  1362. "Anthony, I got to go to the bathroom.
  1363.  
  1364. 321
  1365. 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:41,990
  1366. Will you hold my baby?"
  1367.  
  1368. 322
  1369. 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,659
  1370. [laughter]
  1371.  
  1372. 323
  1373. 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,202
  1374. And I tell the truth.
  1375.  
  1376. 324
  1377. 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,496
  1378. I'm always a hundred percent honest.
  1379.  
  1380. 325
  1381. 00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,206
  1382. I say, "Yeah...
  1383.  
  1384. 326
  1385. 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:51,708
  1386. for a little bit."
  1387.  
  1388. 327
  1389. 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,794
  1390. [laughter]
  1391.  
  1392. 328
  1393. 00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:04,221
  1394. Held that baby 30, 45 seconds,
  1395. a personal best.
  1396.  
  1397. 329
  1398. 00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,682
  1399. [laughter]
  1400.  
  1401. 330
  1402. 00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:08,684
  1403. Dropped the baby.
  1404.  
  1405. 331
  1406. 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,769
  1407. [laughter]
  1408.  
  1409. 332
  1410. 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:13,647
  1411. Scooped it right back up
  1412. before anybody saw me.
  1413.  
  1414. 333
  1415. 00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:16,400
  1416. And it was close too.
  1417.  
  1418. 334
  1419. 00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:18,485
  1420. [laughter]
  1421.  
  1422. 335
  1423. 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,154
  1424. Had to run down three flights of stairs.
  1425.  
  1426. 336
  1427. 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,115
  1428. [laughter]
  1429.  
  1430. 337
  1431. 00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,200
  1432. [applause and laughter]
  1433.  
  1434. 338
  1435. 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,254
  1436. [chuckles]
  1437.  
  1438. 339
  1439. 00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:43,844
  1440. I'll be honest, I don't really understand
  1441.  
  1442. 340
  1443. 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:46,221
  1444. how the legal system works
  1445. in this country.
  1446.  
  1447. 341
  1448. 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,472
  1449. [laughter]
  1450.  
  1451. 342
  1452. 00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:48,932
  1453. I think it's unfair,
  1454.  
  1455. 343
  1456. 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,184
  1457. needlessly confusing.
  1458.  
  1459. 344
  1460. 00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,186
  1461. I'll give you an example.
  1462.  
  1463. 345
  1464. 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:58,984
  1465. One of my next-door neighbor's kids
  1466. is climbing a tree on their property.
  1467.  
  1468. 346
  1469. 00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,570
  1470. Falls out of the tree
  1471.  
  1472. 347
  1473. 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,406
  1474. and lands on my fence.
  1475.  
  1476. 348
  1477. 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,827
  1478. Now I'm being told
  1479. I've got to get myself a lawyer...
  1480.  
  1481. 349
  1482. 00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:12,372
  1483. if I want to keep my half of the kid.
  1484.  
  1485. 350
  1486. 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,875
  1487. [laughter]
  1488.  
  1489. 351
  1490. 00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:28,638
  1491. How is that fair?
  1492.  
  1493. 352
  1494. 00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:30,807
  1495. [laughter]
  1496.  
  1497. 353
  1498. 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,061
  1499. And who's going to reimburse my taxidermy?
  1500.  
  1501. 354
  1502. 00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:37,439
  1503. [laughter]
  1504.  
  1505. 355
  1506. 00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,194
  1507. [chuckles]
  1508.  
  1509. 356
  1510. 00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,450
  1511. I have a two-year-old nephew.
  1512.  
  1513. 357
  1514. 00:22:49,826 --> 00:22:50,786
  1515. Two years old,
  1516.  
  1517. 358
  1518. 00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:56,083
  1519. already been to the hospital 27 times
  1520.  
  1521. 359
  1522. 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,002
  1523. for eating pennies off the floor.
  1524.  
  1525. 360
  1526. 00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:00,670
  1527. [laughter]
  1528.  
  1529. 361
  1530. 00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:02,506
  1531. What the fuck?
  1532.  
  1533. 362
  1534. 00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:04,591
  1535. [laughter]
  1536.  
  1537. 363
  1538. 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:08,095
  1539. Honestly...
  1540.  
  1541. 364
  1542. 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,598
  1543. it's like I can't drop enough pennies.
  1544.  
  1545. 365
  1546. 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,683
  1547. [laughter]
  1548.  
  1549. 366
  1550. 00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:24,861
  1551. I'm gonna blow your minds right now.
  1552.  
  1553. 367
  1554. 00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:25,821
  1555. [laughter]
  1556.  
  1557. 368
  1558. 00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:29,032
  1559. I'm gonna blow your minds
  1560. out the back of your heads. You ready?
  1561.  
  1562. 369
  1563. 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:32,869
  1564. I don't like kids.
  1565.  
  1566. 370
  1567. 00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:34,955
  1568. [laughter]
  1569.  
  1570. 371
  1571. 00:23:38,125 --> 00:23:39,584
  1572. There's this nine-year-old girl.
  1573.  
  1574. 372
  1575. 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,587
  1576. Tiny little nine-year-old girl.
  1577.  
  1578. 373
  1579. 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,800
  1580. Tiny little nine-year-old girl
  1581. lives in my neighborhood...
  1582.  
  1583. 374
  1584. 00:23:48,051 --> 00:23:49,219
  1585. with a glass eye.
  1586.  
  1587. 375
  1588. 00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:53,849
  1589. Scares the shit out of me.
  1590.  
  1591. 376
  1592. 00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:55,475
  1593. [laughter]
  1594.  
  1595. 377
  1596. 00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:57,811
  1597. Terrifies me to my very core.
  1598.  
  1599. 378
  1600. 00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:00,480
  1601. Anytime she sees me,
  1602.  
  1603. 379
  1604. 00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:03,275
  1605. she just fucking chases me around.
  1606.  
  1607. 380
  1608. 00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:05,360
  1609. [laughter]
  1610.  
  1611. 381
  1612. 00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:08,572
  1613. Until she gets her eye back.
  1614. It is the worst...
  1615.  
  1616. 382
  1617. 00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:10,657
  1618. [laughter]
  1619.  
  1620. 383
  1621. 00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:22,210
  1622. Now, that's a fun joke for you guys,
  1623. I'll explain why.
  1624.  
  1625. 384
  1626. 00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:24,129
  1627. [laughter]
  1628.  
  1629. 385
  1630. 00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:26,006
  1631. It's got incredible value.
  1632.  
  1633. 386
  1634. 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:26,965
  1635. [laughter]
  1636.  
  1637. 387
  1638. 00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:29,384
  1639. It's two laughs for the price of one.
  1640.  
  1641. 388
  1642. 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:30,552
  1643. [laughter]
  1644.  
  1645. 389
  1646. 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:32,554
  1647. You get to laugh at what I said,
  1648.  
  1649. 390
  1650. 00:24:33,221 --> 00:24:34,681
  1651. which was hilarious.
  1652.  
  1653. 391
  1654. 00:24:34,764 --> 00:24:36,141
  1655. [laughter]
  1656.  
  1657. 392
  1658. 00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:39,352
  1659. And then you get a second laugh
  1660. when you picture me...
  1661.  
  1662. 393
  1663. 00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:40,604
  1664. [laughter]
  1665.  
  1666. 394
  1667. 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:43,106
  1668. ...stealing a child's glass eye.
  1669.  
  1670. 395
  1671. 00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,192
  1672. [laughter]
  1673.  
  1674. 396
  1675. 00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,778
  1676. And most people when they picture it,
  1677.  
  1678. 397
  1679. 00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:52,157
  1680. they see me just running up
  1681. and snatching it out of her head
  1682.  
  1683. 398
  1684. 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,241
  1685. and running away.
  1686.  
  1687. 399
  1688. 00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:54,201
  1689. [laughter]
  1690.  
  1691. 400
  1692. 00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:55,785
  1693. Wrong.
  1694.  
  1695. 401
  1696. 00:24:55,869 --> 00:24:57,871
  1697. [laughter]
  1698.  
  1699. 402
  1700. 00:24:58,538 --> 00:25:01,374
  1701. You don't want to just snatch out
  1702. somebody's glass eye.
  1703.  
  1704. 403
  1705. 00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,126
  1706. You know why?
  1707.  
  1708. 404
  1709. 00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,005
  1710. Because if you guess wrong...
  1711.  
  1712. 405
  1713. 00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:09,966
  1714. [laughter]
  1715.  
  1716. 406
  1717. 00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:20,936
  1718. You guess wrong, now it's not just
  1719. a funny prank anymore.
  1720.  
  1721. 407
  1722. 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:22,521
  1723. Now you're in some trouble.
  1724.  
  1725. 408
  1726. 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:23,647
  1727. [laughter]
  1728.  
  1729. 409
  1730. 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,940
  1731. In fact,
  1732.  
  1733. 410
  1734. 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,277
  1735. that's how she lost the eye
  1736. in the first place.
  1737.  
  1738. 411
  1739. 00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:31,363
  1740. [laughter]
  1741.  
  1742. 412
  1743. 00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:34,741
  1744. What you want to do,
  1745.  
  1746. 413
  1747. 00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:37,869
  1748. if you're ever in this situation...
  1749.  
  1750. 414
  1751. 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,204
  1752. [laughter]
  1753.  
  1754. 415
  1755. 00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,166
  1756. ...hit her on the back of the head,
  1757. not hard.
  1758.  
  1759. 416
  1760. 00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:44,501
  1761. [laughter]
  1762.  
  1763. 417
  1764. 00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:47,837
  1765. It's a child, you don't want to hurt it.
  1766.  
  1767. 418
  1768. 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:49,589
  1769. [laughter]
  1770.  
  1771. 419
  1772. 00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,007
  1773. Just hard enough to...
  1774.  
  1775. 420
  1776. 00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:53,969
  1777. get that sweet glass eye.
  1778.  
  1779. 421
  1780. 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,054
  1781. [laughter]
  1782.  
  1783. 422
  1784. 00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:06,189
  1785. I find that the older that I get,
  1786. the more women get upset 
  1787.  
  1788. 423
  1789. 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:07,774
  1790. when you talk about kids.
  1791.  
  1792. 424
  1793. 00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:09,943
  1794. I don't mean joke about kids,
  1795.  
  1796. 425
  1797. 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,155
  1798. I mean they get upset when the subject
  1799. of children is brought up.
  1800.  
  1801. 426
  1802. 00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:19,452
  1803. Like, I have a friend who just found out
  1804. she can't have kids...
  1805.  
  1806. 427
  1807. 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,872
  1808. according to Child Protective Services.
  1809.  
  1810. 428
  1811. 00:26:22,956 --> 00:26:24,958
  1812. [laughter]
  1813.  
  1814. 429
  1815. 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:32,757
  1816. Hey, did you guys know...
  1817.  
  1818. 430
  1819. 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,843
  1820. [laughter]
  1821.  
  1822. 431
  1823. 00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:39,889
  1824. Did you guys know
  1825. the average person eats nine spiders
  1826.  
  1827. 432
  1828. 00:26:40,473 --> 00:26:42,100
  1829. whenever I cook for them?
  1830.  
  1831. 433
  1832. 00:26:42,183 --> 00:26:44,185
  1833. [laughter]
  1834.  
  1835. 434
  1836. 00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:59,618
  1837. I don't know if you guys know
  1838. what a false premise is, but...
  1839.  
  1840. 435
  1841. 00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,287
  1842. I have this cat.
  1843.  
  1844. 436
  1845. 00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:04,623
  1846. [laughter]
  1847.  
  1848. 437
  1849. 00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:12,422
  1850. I think it must have been a stray cat
  1851. because anytime it gets outside,
  1852.  
  1853. 438
  1854. 00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:15,508
  1855. it immediately runs off, kills something,
  1856.  
  1857. 439
  1858. 00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:18,803
  1859. drags it back in,
  1860. and leaves it at my feet.
  1861.  
  1862. 440
  1863. 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:22,599
  1864. I've had this thing for, like, a month
  1865. and I swear we have got...
  1866.  
  1867. 441
  1868. 00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:25,477
  1869. quite the competition going.
  1870.  
  1871. 442
  1872. 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,562
  1873. [laughter]
  1874.  
  1875. 443
  1876. 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:38,198
  1877. I don't even like cats,
  1878. if I'm being honest.
  1879.  
  1880. 444
  1881. 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,076
  1882. More a dog guy, me.
  1883.  
  1884. 445
  1885. 00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,203
  1886. I used to have a Great Dane.
  1887.  
  1888. 446
  1889. 00:27:43,286 --> 00:27:44,954
  1890. You guys know what a Great Dane is?
  1891.  
  1892. 447
  1893. 00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:47,999
  1894. One of those big, tall, skinny dogs.
  1895.  
  1896. 448
  1897. 00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:51,211
  1898. Marmaduke was a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo.
  1899.  
  1900. 449
  1901. 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,005
  1902. They call them the "heartbreaker breed,"
  1903.  
  1904. 450
  1905. 00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:57,509
  1906. because they normally only live
  1907. up to eight years,
  1908.  
  1909. 451
  1910. 00:27:58,218 --> 00:28:01,304
  1911. but with the right diet,
  1912. exercise, attention...
  1913.  
  1914. 452
  1915. 00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,182
  1916. I got it down to four.
  1917.  
  1918. 453
  1919. 00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:06,267
  1920. [laughter]
  1921.  
  1922. 454
  1923. 00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:09,187
  1924. It was great.
  1925.  
  1926. 455
  1927. 00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:11,272
  1928. It was the perfect college dog,
  1929.  
  1930. 456
  1931. 00:28:12,023 --> 00:28:12,982
  1932. it really was.
  1933.  
  1934. 457
  1935. 00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:15,068
  1936. [laughter]
  1937.  
  1938. 458
  1939. 00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:24,869
  1940. Oh, you think I can't tell
  1941. one more animal joke? Well, fuck you.
  1942.  
  1943. 459
  1944. 00:28:24,953 --> 00:28:26,955
  1945. [laughter]
  1946.  
  1947. 460
  1948. 00:28:28,748 --> 00:28:29,916
  1949. Listen to this...
  1950.  
  1951. 461
  1952. 00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,001
  1953. [laughter]
  1954.  
  1955. 462
  1956. 00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:33,878
  1957. When I was a little kid,
  1958.  
  1959. 463
  1960. 00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:35,588
  1961. I had a pet turtle.
  1962.  
  1963. 464
  1964. 00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:40,051
  1965. Tiny little turtle,
  1966. kept him in an aquarium.
  1967.  
  1968. 465
  1969. 00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:42,554
  1970. Then one summer, I went away to camp.
  1971.  
  1972. 466
  1973. 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,932
  1974. While I was gone at camp, the turtle died.
  1975.  
  1976. 467
  1977. 00:28:46,641 --> 00:28:48,768
  1978. When I got home, my dad lied to me.
  1979.  
  1980. 468
  1981. 00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:52,397
  1982. He said, "Anthony, your turtle is alive
  1983. and well.
  1984.  
  1985. 469
  1986. 00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,191
  1987. It just went to go live with your mother."
  1988.  
  1989. 470
  1990. 00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,447
  1991. And I believed that.
  1992.  
  1993. 471
  1994. 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:05,201
  1995. Till a couple of days later,
  1996. I was digging around in the backyard...
  1997.  
  1998. 472
  1999. 00:29:06,828 --> 00:29:08,204
  2000. found my mom's body.
  2001.  
  2002. 473
  2003. 00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:10,290
  2004. [laughter]
  2005.  
  2006. 474
  2007. 00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:21,676
  2008. Worst day of my life. I loved that turtle.
  2009.  
  2010. 475
  2011. 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,179
  2012. [laughter]
  2013.  
  2014. 476
  2015. 00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:32,604
  2016. Now, listen. Look, guys.
  2017. I know, I know, I am aware
  2018.  
  2019. 477
  2020. 00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:36,691
  2021. that I must seem like a tough,
  2022. cold son of a bitch up here.
  2023.  
  2024. 478
  2025. 00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:39,068
  2026. In fact,
  2027.  
  2028. 479
  2029. 00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:44,115
  2030. the only time I've ever cried in public
  2031. in my entire life
  2032.  
  2033. 480
  2034. 00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:46,659
  2035. was at my mom's funeral.
  2036.  
  2037. 481
  2038. 00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:50,747
  2039. I might be a tough, cold son of a bitch,
  2040.  
  2041. 482
  2042. 00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,583
  2043. but that doesn't mean I'm not also...
  2044.  
  2045. 483
  2046. 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:55,794
  2047. one hell of an actor.
  2048.  
  2049. 484
  2050. 00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:57,879
  2051. [laughter]
  2052.  
  2053. 485
  2054. 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,385
  2055. My mom was a depressed woman.
  2056.  
  2057. 486
  2058. 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,180
  2059. My mom was a very depressed woman.
  2060.  
  2061. 487
  2062. 00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:09,766
  2063. My mom was so depressed,
  2064.  
  2065. 488
  2066. 00:30:10,391 --> 00:30:16,815
  2067. she had the words "in case of an accident,
  2068. please do not resuscitate" tattooed...
  2069.  
  2070. 489
  2071. 00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:21,110
  2072. across all of her children.
  2073.  
  2074. 490
  2075. 00:30:21,236 --> 00:30:24,155
  2076. [laughter]
  2077.  
  2078. 491
  2079. 00:30:33,456 --> 00:30:37,502
  2080. I'd say my mom's funeral was like ten,
  2081. eleven years ago now.
  2082.  
  2083. 492
  2084. 00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:39,420
  2085. Last year,
  2086.  
  2087. 493
  2088. 00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,589
  2089. I had her body dug up...
  2090.  
  2091. 494
  2092. 00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:46,344
  2093. to settle a legal dispute
  2094. with my siblings.
  2095.  
  2096. 495
  2097. 00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:48,805
  2098. Turns out I was wrong.
  2099.  
  2100. 496
  2101. 00:30:50,723 --> 00:30:51,766
  2102. That is illegal.
  2103.  
  2104. 497
  2105. 00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:53,810
  2106. -[laughter]
  2107. -You can't just...
  2108.  
  2109. 498
  2110. 00:30:55,061 --> 00:30:57,313
  2111. You can't just do that. No.
  2112.  
  2113. 499
  2114. 00:31:04,153 --> 00:31:05,655
  2115. Now, at this point, I should admit
  2116.  
  2117. 500
  2118. 00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:08,867
  2119. my parents were actually
  2120. pretty reasonable people 
  2121.  
  2122. 501
  2123. 00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:10,159
  2124. when they were raising me.
  2125.  
  2126. 502
  2127. 00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:13,496
  2128. Unless they found drugs in my bedroom.
  2129.  
  2130. 503
  2131. 00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:14,789
  2132. Oof...
  2133.  
  2134. 504
  2135. 00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:17,876
  2136. Then they were high for days.
  2137.  
  2138. 505
  2139. 00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:19,961
  2140. [laughter]
  2141.  
  2142. 506
  2143. 00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,883
  2144. I think the strangest thing in my family,
  2145.  
  2146. 507
  2147. 00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:30,096
  2148. my family was just weird about sex,
  2149. you know. I was the oldest of five kids
  2150.  
  2151. 508
  2152. 00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,806
  2153. in a tiny little house.
  2154.  
  2155. 509
  2156. 00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:34,142
  2157. When my parents wanted alone time,
  2158.  
  2159. 510
  2160. 00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:38,062
  2161. they would gather us together, say,
  2162. "Kids, go play hide and seek,"
  2163.  
  2164. 511
  2165. 00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:40,857
  2166. and they'd lock their bedroom door
  2167. for an hour.
  2168.  
  2169. 512
  2170. 00:31:41,649 --> 00:31:44,652
  2171. Of course, I always knew
  2172. what was going on in there. I mean...
  2173.  
  2174. 513
  2175. 00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:47,113
  2176. I would hide in their room.
  2177.  
  2178. 514
  2179. 00:31:47,196 --> 00:31:49,198
  2180. [laughter]
  2181.  
  2182. 515
  2183. 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,249
  2184. My parents were weird about sex,
  2185. you know.
  2186.  
  2187. 516
  2188. 00:31:58,333 --> 00:32:01,836
  2189. I think the most embarrassed
  2190. I've ever been in my entire life
  2191.  
  2192. 517
  2193. 00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,505
  2194. was the time my mom
  2195. and dad caught me
  2196.  
  2197. 518
  2198. 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:07,967
  2199. watching hardcore bondage pornography...
  2200.  
  2201. 519
  2202. 00:32:09,594 --> 00:32:10,887
  2203. over their shoulder.
  2204.  
  2205. 520
  2206. 00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:13,473
  2207. [laughter]
  2208.  
  2209. 521
  2210. 00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:24,400
  2211. And I'll never forget...
  2212.  
  2213. 522
  2214. 00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:28,154
  2215. I'll never forget
  2216. the first time I had sex.
  2217.  
  2218. 523
  2219. 00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:30,573
  2220. You know those stories you hear,
  2221.  
  2222. 524
  2223. 00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:35,370
  2224. about kids who lose their virginity
  2225. to the hot babysitter?
  2226.  
  2227. 525
  2228. 00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:38,706
  2229. I was the babysitter.
  2230.  
  2231. 526
  2232. 00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:42,001
  2233. [laughter]
  2234.  
  2235. 527
  2236. 00:32:46,297 --> 00:32:50,426
  2237. [cheering and applause]
  2238.  
  2239. 528
  2240. 00:32:56,015 --> 00:32:58,184
  2241. Yeah, I could have opened with that
  2242. if I wanted to.
  2243.  
  2244. 529
  2245. 00:32:58,267 --> 00:32:59,686
  2246. [laughter]
  2247.  
  2248. 530
  2249. 00:33:04,190 --> 00:33:06,150
  2250. I don't like racism.
  2251.  
  2252. 531
  2253. 00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:08,987
  2254. Thank you.
  2255.  
  2256. 532
  2257. 00:33:09,070 --> 00:33:11,072
  2258. [laughter]
  2259.  
  2260. 533
  2261. 00:33:15,618 --> 00:33:16,703
  2262. I don't get it.
  2263.  
  2264. 534
  2265. 00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:19,080
  2266. Why would you hate?
  2267.  
  2268. 535
  2269. 00:33:19,872 --> 00:33:21,708
  2270. Why would you choose to hate?
  2271.  
  2272. 536
  2273. 00:33:22,542 --> 00:33:26,379
  2274. Why would you choose to hate
  2275. an entire group of people,
  2276.  
  2277. 537
  2278. 00:33:27,296 --> 00:33:31,009
  2279. just because of the way they all behave?
  2280.  
  2281. 538
  2282. 00:33:31,092 --> 00:33:34,345
  2283. [laughter]
  2284.  
  2285. 539
  2286. 00:33:46,232 --> 00:33:47,650
  2287. I don't know about y'all.
  2288.  
  2289. 540
  2290. 00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:48,609
  2291. [laughter]
  2292.  
  2293. 541
  2294. 00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,862
  2295. Seems pretty narrow-minded to me.
  2296.  
  2297. 542
  2298. 00:33:50,945 --> 00:33:52,530
  2299. [laughter]
  2300.  
  2301. 543
  2302. 00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,785
  2303. Now, racism, of course, is...
  2304.  
  2305. 544
  2306. 00:33:58,578 --> 00:34:01,330
  2307. starting to become a problem
  2308. in this country.
  2309.  
  2310. 545
  2311. 00:34:01,456 --> 00:34:05,126
  2312. [laughter]
  2313.  
  2314. 546
  2315. 00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:11,758
  2316. I was doing some research.
  2317.  
  2318. 547
  2319. 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:16,846
  2320. Found out one of my family members
  2321. used to own slaves.
  2322.  
  2323. 548
  2324. 00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:19,140
  2325. I couldn't believe it.
  2326.  
  2327. 549
  2328. 00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:21,434
  2329. My own brother.
  2330.  
  2331. 550
  2332. 00:34:21,517 --> 00:34:24,604
  2333. [laughter]
  2334.  
  2335. 551
  2336. 00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:35,740
  2337. I did even more research.
  2338.  
  2339. 552
  2340. 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:38,868
  2341. Went even deeper into this bit,
  2342. found this out.
  2343.  
  2344. 553
  2345. 00:34:38,951 --> 00:34:41,329
  2346. [laughter]
  2347.  
  2348. 554
  2349. 00:34:41,454 --> 00:34:42,580
  2350. This is a fact.
  2351.  
  2352. 555
  2353. 00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:48,795
  2354. Do you guys know there are actually
  2355. more slaves in the world today
  2356.  
  2357. 556
  2358. 00:34:49,545 --> 00:34:51,172
  2359. than at any other point in time?
  2360.  
  2361. 557
  2362. 00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:55,384
  2363. A higher number of slaves
  2364. in the world right now
  2365.  
  2366. 558
  2367. 00:34:56,052 --> 00:34:58,346
  2368. than any other period in history.
  2369.  
  2370. 559
  2371. 00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:01,390
  2372. You think your job is bad? [scoffs]
  2373.  
  2374. 560
  2375. 00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:04,018
  2376. Imagine...
  2377.  
  2378. 561
  2379. 00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,270
  2380. counting slaves.
  2381.  
  2382. 562
  2383. 00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:08,106
  2384. [laughter]
  2385.  
  2386. 563
  2387. 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,692
  2388. If you're not laughing at this one,
  2389. I don't know what the fuck to tell you.
  2390.  
  2391. 564
  2392. 00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:15,029
  2393. [laughter and applause]
  2394.  
  2395. 565
  2396. 00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,700
  2397. I'm not trying that joke out,
  2398. I am showing off.
  2399.  
  2400. 566
  2401. 00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:22,578
  2402. [laughter]
  2403.  
  2404. 567
  2405. 00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:31,879
  2406. Now, I, of course, do not consider myself
  2407. to be a racist person,
  2408.  
  2409. 568
  2410. 00:35:32,505 --> 00:35:33,506
  2411. but I get mad
  2412.  
  2413. 569
  2414. 00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:37,135
  2415. when people tell me
  2416. that I can't understand racism.
  2417.  
  2418. 570
  2419. 00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,847
  2420. I understand racism just fine.
  2421.  
  2422. 571
  2423. 00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,684
  2424. I once got beaten up
  2425. by a pack of skinheads.
  2426.  
  2427. 572
  2428. 00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:46,853
  2429. Beat the shit out of me.
  2430.  
  2431. 573
  2432. 00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,272
  2433. I was in the hospital for a week,
  2434.  
  2435. 574
  2436. 00:35:50,022 --> 00:35:50,857
  2437. and it was a...
  2438.  
  2439. 575
  2440. 00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:53,192
  2441. a brutal initiation.
  2442.  
  2443. 576
  2444. 00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:56,279
  2445. [laughter]
  2446.  
  2447. 577
  2448. 00:35:56,362 --> 00:35:59,073
  2449. [applause and laughter]
  2450.  
  2451. 578
  2452. 00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:08,708
  2453. Now,
  2454.  
  2455. 579
  2456. 00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:10,626
  2457. we like to have fun.
  2458.  
  2459. 580
  2460. 00:36:10,710 --> 00:36:12,211
  2461. [laughter]
  2462.  
  2463. 581
  2464. 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:15,923
  2465. But in all seriousness,
  2466. you do have to be very careful
  2467.  
  2468. 582
  2469. 00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:19,093
  2470. telling ironically racist jokes
  2471.  
  2472. 583
  2473. 00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:21,679
  2474. once you get to my level.
  2475.  
  2476. 584
  2477. 00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:26,058
  2478. When you're a bad comedian,
  2479. you can say whatever you want.
  2480.  
  2481. 585
  2482. 00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:27,685
  2483. I mean, that's true freedom.
  2484.  
  2485. 586
  2486. 00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,354
  2487. You've seen those losers, they can fly.
  2488.  
  2489. 587
  2490. 00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:33,441
  2491. [laughter]
  2492.  
  2493. 588
  2494. 00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:37,236
  2495. Once you get to my level,
  2496.  
  2497. 589
  2498. 00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:40,281
  2499. now you've got a responsibility, you know?
  2500.  
  2501. 590
  2502. 00:36:41,073 --> 00:36:44,744
  2503. Like, I once told
  2504. an ironically racist joke on television.
  2505.  
  2506. 591
  2507. 00:36:45,494 --> 00:36:49,540
  2508. The next day, I got a fan letter
  2509. from a white supremacist
  2510.  
  2511. 592
  2512. 00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:51,417
  2513. in Jacksonville, Florida.
  2514.  
  2515. 593
  2516. 00:36:52,585 --> 00:36:53,669
  2517. Bone-chilling.
  2518.  
  2519. 594
  2520. 00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:55,880
  2521. He just started praising me.
  2522.  
  2523. 595
  2524. 00:36:56,756 --> 00:36:58,382
  2525. "Thank you so much, Anthony.
  2526.  
  2527. 596
  2528. 00:36:58,966 --> 00:37:02,011
  2529. Thank you for not denigrating
  2530. the great white race.
  2531.  
  2532. 597
  2533. 00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:05,348
  2534. Thank you for making fun
  2535. of all the other races
  2536.  
  2537. 598
  2538. 00:37:05,431 --> 00:37:06,891
  2539. the way that it should be.
  2540.  
  2541. 599
  2542. 00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:11,604
  2543. And can I pay you $100,000,
  2544.  
  2545. 600
  2546. 00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:15,775
  2547. come down to Jacksonville, Florida,
  2548. do a private show just for me
  2549.  
  2550. 601
  2551. 00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:18,527
  2552. and my white supremacist buddies."
  2553.  
  2554. 602
  2555. 00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:21,447
  2556. I wrote him back right away.
  2557.  
  2558. 603
  2559. 00:37:21,572 --> 00:37:23,574
  2560. [laughter]
  2561.  
  2562. 604
  2563. 00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:25,660
  2564. And I said, "Absolutely not.
  2565.  
  2566. 605
  2567. 00:37:26,452 --> 00:37:29,664
  2568. You are against every single thing
  2569. that I stand for,
  2570.  
  2571. 606
  2572. 00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:31,749
  2573. you cheap piece of shit."
  2574.  
  2575. 607
  2576. 00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:35,628
  2577. [laughter and applause]
  2578.  
  2579. 608
  2580. 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:45,388
  2581. Look, I mean, I consider myself
  2582. to be a modern man.
  2583.  
  2584. 609
  2585. 00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:49,350
  2586. I try to be tolerant
  2587. of all different races,
  2588.  
  2589. 610
  2590. 00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,394
  2591. cultures, religions.
  2592.  
  2593. 611
  2594. 00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:56,983
  2595. Not so much religions,
  2596. but the other two for sure.
  2597.  
  2598. 612
  2599. 00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,401
  2600. [laughter]
  2601.  
  2602. 613
  2603. 00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:01,070
  2604. But I'm not always at my best.
  2605.  
  2606. 614
  2607. 00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:03,447
  2608. Sometimes I make mistakes.
  2609.  
  2610. 615
  2611. 00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:05,491
  2612. For example,
  2613.  
  2614. 616
  2615. 00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:08,327
  2616. every single day...
  2617.  
  2618. 617
  2619. 00:38:08,494 --> 00:38:10,496
  2620. [laughter]
  2621.  
  2622. 618
  2623. 00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:16,627
  2624. Every single day in Los Angeles,
  2625. my Latino neighbor tries to talk to me.
  2626.  
  2627. 619
  2628. 00:38:17,753 --> 00:38:19,171
  2629. I don't understand shit.
  2630.  
  2631. 620
  2632. 00:38:19,255 --> 00:38:20,339
  2633. [laughter]
  2634.  
  2635. 621
  2636. 00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:23,092
  2637. Nine times out of ten, I am polite.
  2638.  
  2639. 622
  2640. 00:38:23,509 --> 00:38:25,469
  2641. I smile and I nod,
  2642.  
  2643. 623
  2644. 00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:27,305
  2645. but the other day,
  2646.  
  2647. 624
  2648. 00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:29,557
  2649. the other day, I was tired,
  2650.  
  2651. 625
  2652. 00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:31,350
  2653. I was hungover,
  2654.  
  2655. 626
  2656. 00:38:32,018 --> 00:38:33,311
  2657. I'd smoked some pot,
  2658.  
  2659. 627
  2660. 00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,439
  2661. I'd taken a handful of pills...
  2662.  
  2663. 628
  2664. 00:38:36,522 --> 00:38:38,316
  2665. [laughter]
  2666.  
  2667. 629
  2668. 00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:40,526
  2669. ...and I was not at my best.
  2670.  
  2671. 630
  2672. 00:38:42,069 --> 00:38:43,279
  2673. And I just snapped.
  2674.  
  2675. 631
  2676. 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:45,656
  2677. And I said, "Hey, asshole.
  2678.  
  2679. 632
  2680. 00:38:46,615 --> 00:38:48,075
  2681. This is America.
  2682.  
  2683. 633
  2684. 00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:51,537
  2685. I don't speak sign language."
  2686.  
  2687. 634
  2688. 00:38:51,620 --> 00:38:54,206
  2689. [laughter]
  2690.  
  2691. 635
  2692. 00:38:56,584 --> 00:38:59,170
  2693. [laughter and applause]
  2694.  
  2695. 636
  2696. 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:04,133
  2697. Now, that...
  2698.  
  2699. 637
  2700. 00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:06,344
  2701. that...
  2702.  
  2703. 638
  2704. 00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:08,596
  2705. is a fun joke from me.
  2706.  
  2707. 639
  2708. 00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:10,181
  2709. [laughter]
  2710.  
  2711. 640
  2712. 00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:12,475
  2713. You think
  2714. I'm about to make fun of Latinos,
  2715.  
  2716. 641
  2717. 00:39:12,641 --> 00:39:14,352
  2718. I take a hard left.
  2719.  
  2720. 642
  2721. 00:39:14,435 --> 00:39:16,145
  2722. [laughter]
  2723.  
  2724. 643
  2725. 00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,606
  2726. Smack the shit out of the deaf...
  2727.  
  2728. 644
  2729. 00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:20,691
  2730. [laughter]
  2731.  
  2732. 645
  2733. 00:39:26,322 --> 00:39:28,366
  2734. ...for almost no reason.
  2735.  
  2736. 646
  2737. 00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:30,993
  2738. [laughter]
  2739.  
  2740. 647
  2741. 00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,916
  2742. Guys, things like that just make me happy.
  2743.  
  2744. 648
  2745. 00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:38,292
  2746. [laughter]
  2747.  
  2748. 649
  2749. 00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,835
  2750. There's not a lot in life
  2751.  
  2752. 650
  2753. 00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:42,254
  2754. that always makes me happy.
  2755.  
  2756. 651
  2757. 00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:45,299
  2758. One thing,
  2759.  
  2760. 652
  2761. 00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,302
  2762. one thing that always makes me happy.
  2763.  
  2764. 653
  2765. 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,222
  2766. I love it when I see this.
  2767.  
  2768. 654
  2769. 00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:53,557
  2770. I love it when old married couples...
  2771.  
  2772. 655
  2773. 00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,645
  2774. I love it when old married couples die
  2775.  
  2776. 656
  2777. 00:39:58,437 --> 00:39:59,980
  2778. really close together.
  2779.  
  2780. 657
  2781. 00:40:00,064 --> 00:40:02,066
  2782. [laughter]
  2783.  
  2784. 658
  2785. 00:40:02,983 --> 00:40:03,818
  2786. I love that.
  2787.  
  2788. 659
  2789. 00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:05,903
  2790. [laughter]
  2791.  
  2792. 660
  2793. 00:40:06,153 --> 00:40:09,407
  2794. I will clip that out of the newspaper
  2795. every time I see it.
  2796.  
  2797. 661
  2798. 00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:11,158
  2799. [laughter]
  2800.  
  2801. 662
  2802. 00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,786
  2803. To me, there is just nothing more romantic
  2804.  
  2805. 663
  2806. 00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:17,581
  2807. than a good old-fashioned murder-suicide.
  2808.  
  2809. 664
  2810. 00:40:17,665 --> 00:40:20,376
  2811. [laughter]
  2812.  
  2813. 665
  2814. 00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:21,293
  2815. True.
  2816.  
  2817. 666
  2818. 00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:24,088
  2819. [applause and laughter]
  2820.  
  2821. 667
  2822. 00:40:25,256 --> 00:40:26,424
  2823. In fact...
  2824.  
  2825. 668
  2826. 00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:31,137
  2827. now that I'm saying this out loud,
  2828.  
  2829. 669
  2830. 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:35,057
  2831. it's probably more accurate
  2832.  
  2833. 670
  2834. 00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,102
  2835. just to say that I love murder-suicide.
  2836.  
  2837. 671
  2838. 00:40:38,185 --> 00:40:39,979
  2839. [laughter]
  2840.  
  2841. 672
  2842. 00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:43,357
  2843. Because I do.
  2844.  
  2845. 673
  2846. 00:40:43,482 --> 00:40:44,733
  2847. [laughter]
  2848.  
  2849. 674
  2850. 00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:49,238
  2851. I mean, don't get me wrong, guys,
  2852. I like all of the suicides.
  2853.  
  2854. 675
  2855. 00:40:49,321 --> 00:40:51,323
  2856. [laughter]
  2857.  
  2858. 676
  2859. 00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:57,872
  2860. But murder-suicide's my favorite.
  2861.  
  2862. 677
  2863. 00:40:57,955 --> 00:40:59,957
  2864. [laughter]
  2865.  
  2866. 678
  2867. 00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:02,376
  2868. I have friends who worry about me.
  2869.  
  2870. 679
  2871. 00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:04,044
  2872. [laughter]
  2873.  
  2874. 680
  2875. 00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:06,130
  2876. They'll say, "Anthony,
  2877. why are you so into suicide?
  2878.  
  2879. 681
  2880. 00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:07,506
  2881. You have everything."
  2882.  
  2883. 682
  2884. 00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:08,924
  2885. Yeah.
  2886.  
  2887. 683
  2888. 00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:12,470
  2889. Everything but
  2890. a successful suicide attempt.
  2891.  
  2892. 684
  2893. 00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:14,555
  2894. [laughter]
  2895.  
  2896. 685
  2897. 00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:19,643
  2898. I think I got really into suicide
  2899. just after college,
  2900.  
  2901. 686
  2902. 00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:23,772
  2903. when I worked at a suicide hotline.
  2904.  
  2905. 687
  2906. 00:41:23,856 --> 00:41:25,858
  2907. [laughter and groans]
  2908.  
  2909. 688
  2910. 00:41:28,652 --> 00:41:30,029
  2911. Just for a couple of days.
  2912.  
  2913. 689
  2914. 00:41:30,154 --> 00:41:32,865
  2915. [laughter]
  2916.  
  2917. 690
  2918. 00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:36,994
  2919. Day and a half, really,
  2920. they got rid of me pretty quick.
  2921.  
  2922. 691
  2923. 00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:39,079
  2924. [laughter]
  2925.  
  2926. 692
  2927. 00:41:39,955 --> 00:41:42,541
  2928. They said,
  2929. "Anthony, we've got to let you go.
  2930.  
  2931. 693
  2932. 00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:45,753
  2933. Half the people you talk to...
  2934.  
  2935. 694
  2936. 00:41:45,836 --> 00:41:47,338
  2937. [laughter]
  2938.  
  2939. 695
  2940. 00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:49,298
  2941. ...end up committing suicide."
  2942.  
  2943. 696
  2944. 00:41:49,381 --> 00:41:50,508
  2945. [laughter]
  2946.  
  2947. 697
  2948. 00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:52,510
  2949. I said, "Guys, that's hardly fair.
  2950.  
  2951. 698
  2952. 00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,180
  2953. Most of those were wrong numbers."
  2954.  
  2955. 699
  2956. 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,516
  2957. -My point...
  2958. -[laughter]
  2959.  
  2960. 700
  2961. 00:42:05,648 --> 00:42:07,983
  2962. My point here is this:
  2963.  
  2964. 701
  2965. 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,903
  2966. that you should all trust me.
  2967.  
  2968. 702
  2969. 00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:16,408
  2970. You should all believe me
  2971. when I tell you that I know my suicide
  2972.  
  2973. 703
  2974. 00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:19,453
  2975. and murder-suicide number one forever.
  2976.  
  2977. 704
  2978. 00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,288
  2979. [laughter]
  2980.  
  2981. 705
  2982. 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:22,790
  2983. 'Cause what else you got?
  2984.  
  2985. 706
  2986. 00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:28,087
  2987. Doctor-assisted suicide?
  2988. Get that weak shit out of here.
  2989.  
  2990. 707
  2991. 00:42:28,170 --> 00:42:30,172
  2992. [laughter]
  2993.  
  2994. 708
  2995. 00:42:30,589 --> 00:42:31,840
  2996. Fucking kidding me?
  2997.  
  2998. 709
  2999. 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:33,384
  3000. [laughter]
  3001.  
  3002. 710
  3003. 00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:34,969
  3004. Teen suicide?
  3005.  
  3006. 711
  3007. 00:42:35,427 --> 00:42:37,304
  3008. Teen suicide? No.
  3009.  
  3010. 712
  3011. 00:42:38,055 --> 00:42:39,265
  3012. College is important.
  3013.  
  3014. 713
  3015. 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:40,683
  3016. I'm all about...
  3017.  
  3018. 714
  3019. 00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,351
  3020. [laughter]
  3021.  
  3022. 715
  3023. 00:42:42,726 --> 00:42:45,604
  3024. I'm all about murder-suicide.
  3025. Murder-suicide's the best.
  3026.  
  3027. 716
  3028. 00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,815
  3029. [laughter]
  3030.  
  3031. 717
  3032. 00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:54,613
  3033. You guys seem like you don't believe me.
  3034.  
  3035. 718
  3036. 00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:56,365
  3037. [laughter]
  3038.  
  3039. 719
  3040. 00:42:56,615 --> 00:42:57,575
  3041. That's okay.
  3042.  
  3043. 720
  3044. 00:42:58,284 --> 00:42:59,243
  3045. I'm a pro.
  3046.  
  3047. 721
  3048. 00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:01,954
  3049. Watch me sell this.
  3050.  
  3051. 722
  3052. 00:43:02,079 --> 00:43:04,081
  3053. [laughter]
  3054.  
  3055. 723
  3056. 00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:07,376
  3057. You hear your friend Jeff
  3058. just committed suicide.
  3059.  
  3060. 724
  3061. 00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:09,878
  3062. Your only thought is devastation.
  3063.  
  3064. 725
  3065. 00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:14,592
  3066. "Oh, my God, what could I have done
  3067. to save my friend Jeff?"
  3068.  
  3069. 726
  3070. 00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:19,054
  3071. You hear your friend Jeff
  3072. killed his wife and then himself.
  3073.  
  3074. 727
  3075. 00:43:19,471 --> 00:43:20,681
  3076. You just think, 
  3077.  
  3078. 728
  3079. 00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:23,892
  3080. "Yikes, Jeff doesn't fuck around, huh?
  3081.  
  3082. 729
  3083. 00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:27,605
  3084. [laughter and applause]
  3085.  
  3086. 730
  3087. 00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:33,861
  3088. Holy shit, Jeff!
  3089.  
  3090. 731
  3091. 00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:35,988
  3092. [laughter]
  3093.  
  3094. 732
  3095. 00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:39,700
  3096. I didn't know the big guy had it in him.
  3097.  
  3098. 733
  3099. 00:43:39,783 --> 00:43:41,785
  3100. [laughter]
  3101.  
  3102. 734
  3103. 00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:45,331
  3104. Should have shown Jeff
  3105. more respect back in the day.
  3106.  
  3107. 735
  3108. 00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:46,915
  3109. [laughter]
  3110.  
  3111. 736
  3112. 00:43:46,999 --> 00:43:48,167
  3113. Jeff was a boss.
  3114.  
  3115. 737
  3116. 00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:50,002
  3117. He wasn't cleaning that shit up."
  3118.  
  3119. 738
  3120. 00:43:50,085 --> 00:43:53,881
  3121. [laughter and applause]
  3122.  
  3123. 739
  3124. 00:43:53,964 --> 00:43:56,300
  3125. [cheering]
  3126.  
  3127. 740
  3128. 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:02,348
  3129. That...
  3130.  
  3131. 741
  3132. 00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:05,184
  3133. is just one reason...
  3134.  
  3135. 742
  3136. 00:44:05,267 --> 00:44:07,144
  3137. [laughter]
  3138.  
  3139. 743
  3140. 00:44:07,227 --> 00:44:10,898
  3141. ...why murder-suicide is so great.
  3142. Guys, listen to me.
  3143.  
  3144. 744
  3145. 00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:12,191
  3146. [laughter]
  3147.  
  3148. 745
  3149. 00:44:12,441 --> 00:44:14,109
  3150. Murder-suicide...
  3151.  
  3152. 746
  3153. 00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:18,572
  3154. is practically a victimless crime.
  3155.  
  3156. 747
  3157. 00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,658
  3158. [laughter]
  3159.  
  3160. 748
  3161. 00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:23,619
  3162. You are...
  3163.  
  3164. 749
  3165. 00:44:24,328 --> 00:44:26,872
  3166. You are allowed to kill your wife.
  3167.  
  3168. 750
  3169. 00:44:27,831 --> 00:44:30,084
  3170. You are allowed to kill your husband.
  3171.  
  3172. 751
  3173. 00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:35,089
  3174. You've got to be married,
  3175. otherwise you seem nuts, but...
  3176.  
  3177. 752
  3178. 00:44:35,172 --> 00:44:37,174
  3179. [laughter]
  3180.  
  3181. 753
  3182. 00:44:38,133 --> 00:44:41,011
  3183. ...you are allowed to murder your spouse,
  3184.  
  3185. 754
  3186. 00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:44,890
  3187. as long as you just kill yourself
  3188. immediately afterwards.
  3189.  
  3190. 755
  3191. 00:44:44,973 --> 00:44:46,266
  3192. [laughter]
  3193.  
  3194. 756
  3195. 00:44:46,350 --> 00:44:47,768
  3196. Then there's nothing they can do.
  3197.  
  3198. 757
  3199. 00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,062
  3200. It's even-steven, you're above the law.
  3201.  
  3202. 758
  3203. 00:44:50,145 --> 00:44:53,232
  3204. [laughter and applause]
  3205.  
  3206. 759
  3207. 00:45:01,073 --> 00:45:03,283
  3208. What the fuck is wrong
  3209. with this crowd tonight?
  3210.  
  3211. 760
  3212. 00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,369
  3213. [laughter]
  3214.  
  3215. 761
  3216. 00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:10,582
  3217. You trying to tell me there are
  3218. those among you who are still skeptical?
  3219.  
  3220. 762
  3221. 00:45:10,666 --> 00:45:12,668
  3222. [laughter]
  3223.  
  3224. 763
  3225. 00:45:13,210 --> 00:45:16,505
  3226. You saying there are people here
  3227. right now who still don't believe me
  3228.  
  3229. 764
  3230. 00:45:16,588 --> 00:45:20,300
  3231. that murder-suicide
  3232. is the goddamn cat's pajamas?
  3233.  
  3234. 765
  3235. 00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:22,720
  3236. [laughter]
  3237.  
  3238. 766
  3239. 00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:27,099
  3240. Okay.
  3241.  
  3242. 767
  3243. 00:45:27,182 --> 00:45:28,892
  3244. [laughter]
  3245.  
  3246. 768
  3247. 00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:32,020
  3248. Then think about it like this.
  3249.  
  3250. 769
  3251. 00:45:32,104 --> 00:45:33,397
  3252. [laughter]
  3253.  
  3254. 770
  3255. 00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:35,899
  3256. You're walking down the street.
  3257.  
  3258. 771
  3259. 00:45:36,608 --> 00:45:39,236
  3260. Somebody comes up
  3261. and punches you in the face.
  3262.  
  3263. 772
  3264. 00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:41,905
  3265. You are going to press charges no doubt.
  3266.  
  3267. 773
  3268. 00:45:42,823 --> 00:45:44,742
  3269. But if you're walking down the street,
  3270.  
  3271. 774
  3272. 00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,036
  3273. somebody comes up,
  3274. punches you in the face,
  3275.  
  3276. 775
  3277. 00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:50,080
  3278. takes a step back,
  3279.  
  3280. 776
  3281. 00:45:51,039 --> 00:45:54,084
  3282. and then punches themself in the face...
  3283.  
  3284. 777
  3285. 00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:56,962
  3286. [laughter]
  3287.  
  3288. 778
  3289. 00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:02,551
  3290. [applause and laughter]
  3291.  
  3292. 779
  3293. 00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:12,102
  3294. -"Have a good day, sir." Right?
  3295. -[laughter]
  3296.  
  3297. 780
  3298. 00:46:15,355 --> 00:46:17,775
  3299. You wouldn't even tell your friends
  3300. about that.
  3301.  
  3302. 781
  3303. 00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,818
  3304. [laughter]
  3305.  
  3306. 782
  3307. 00:46:22,613 --> 00:46:23,989
  3308. Murder-suicide... [laughs]
  3309.  
  3310. 783
  3311. 00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:27,785
  3312. [laughter and applause]
  3313.  
  3314. 784
  3315. 00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:30,621
  3316. [cheering and applause]
  3317.  
  3318. 785
  3319. 00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:31,789
  3320. Shut up!
  3321.  
  3322. 786
  3323. 00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:33,874
  3324. [laughter]
  3325.  
  3326. 787
  3327. 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:44,218
  3328. Murder-suicide is a victimless crime
  3329.  
  3330. 788
  3331. 00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:47,012
  3332. as long as you don't leave behind
  3333. any kids.
  3334.  
  3335. 789
  3336. 00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:50,182
  3337. Got to kill them, too.
  3338.  
  3339. 790
  3340. 00:46:50,265 --> 00:46:53,477
  3341. [laughter and applause]
  3342.  
  3343. 791
  3344. 00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:59,525
  3345. That's right,
  3346. I was going there the whole time.
  3347.  
  3348. 792
  3349. 00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:01,610
  3350. [laughter]
  3351.  
  3352. 793
  3353. 00:47:06,615 --> 00:47:07,574
  3354. Now,
  3355.  
  3356. 794
  3357. 00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,537
  3358. I am going to leave you all with this.
  3359.  
  3360. 795
  3361. 00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:15,749
  3362. And if you've been on the fence
  3363. about me tonight, one way or another,
  3364.  
  3365. 796
  3366. 00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,960
  3367. then please, guys, please...
  3368.  
  3369. 797
  3370. 00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:22,464
  3371. allow me to knock you clean the fuck off.
  3372.  
  3373. 798
  3374. 00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:24,383
  3375. [laughter]
  3376.  
  3377. 799
  3378. 00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,140
  3379. A couple of months ago...
  3380.  
  3381. 800
  3382. 00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:38,105
  3383. A couple of months ago, I took
  3384. a friend of mine to get an abortion.
  3385.  
  3386. 801
  3387. 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:42,568
  3388. Get on board right now
  3389. if you are going to.
  3390.  
  3391. 802
  3392. 00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:44,653
  3393. [laughter and applause]
  3394.  
  3395. 803
  3396. 00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:46,947
  3397. This is a very long,
  3398.  
  3399. 804
  3400. 00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:48,699
  3401. very true story.
  3402.  
  3403. 805
  3404. 00:47:48,782 --> 00:47:49,741
  3405. [laughter]
  3406.  
  3407. 806
  3408. 00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:54,788
  3409. I took my friend to get an abortion.
  3410. Don't worry, guys,
  3411.  
  3412. 807
  3413. 00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:55,998
  3414. wasn't my baby,
  3415.  
  3416. 808
  3417. 00:47:56,623 --> 00:47:57,749
  3418. wasn't important.
  3419.  
  3420. 809
  3421. 00:47:57,916 --> 00:48:00,836
  3422. [laughter]
  3423.  
  3424. 810
  3425. 00:48:05,340 --> 00:48:07,259
  3426. I don't know if you've ever done that.
  3427.  
  3428. 811
  3429. 00:48:07,843 --> 00:48:11,096
  3430. Ever helped someone to get an abortion.
  3431. It's a big favor.
  3432.  
  3433. 812
  3434. 00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:13,849
  3435. It's a big favor to do for somebody.
  3436.  
  3437. 813
  3438. 00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:16,018
  3439. Not an easy favor,
  3440.  
  3441. 814
  3442. 00:48:16,351 --> 00:48:18,186
  3443. not an easy favor at all.
  3444.  
  3445. 815
  3446. 00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:19,938
  3447. Don't get me wrong,
  3448.  
  3449. 816
  3450. 00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:23,191
  3451. I am as pro-choice as they come,
  3452. but still...
  3453.  
  3454. 817
  3455. 00:48:24,192 --> 00:48:27,905
  3456. the whole time I'm driving her,
  3457. I'm just thinking to myself, "God damn.
  3458.  
  3459. 818
  3460. 00:48:29,031 --> 00:48:31,033
  3461. There has got to be a better way to...
  3462.  
  3463. 819
  3464. 00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:33,493
  3465. come up with new material."
  3466.  
  3467. 820
  3468. 00:48:33,577 --> 00:48:36,330
  3469. [laughter]
  3470.  
  3471. 821
  3472. 00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:46,173
  3473. And, yes,
  3474.  
  3475. 822
  3476. 00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:51,303
  3477. yes, I did just say I'm pro-choice.
  3478. That does not mean I am pro-abortion.
  3479.  
  3480. 823
  3481. 00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:53,180
  3482. You have other options.
  3483.  
  3484. 824
  3485. 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:57,726
  3486. If you don't want your baby,
  3487. you can still have your baby delivered.
  3488.  
  3489. 825
  3490. 00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:02,105
  3491. Leave it outside any fire station
  3492. in the country...
  3493.  
  3494. 826
  3495. 00:49:02,189 --> 00:49:03,440
  3496. [laughter]
  3497.  
  3498. 827
  3499. 00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:05,192
  3500. ...they will run it over for you.
  3501.  
  3502. 828
  3503. 00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:06,818
  3504. [laughter]
  3505.  
  3506. 829
  3507. 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:07,778
  3508. It's true.
  3509.  
  3510. 830
  3511. 00:49:07,861 --> 00:49:09,613
  3512. [laughter and applause]
  3513.  
  3514. 831
  3515. 00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:11,031
  3516. It's true.
  3517.  
  3518. 832
  3519. 00:49:11,114 --> 00:49:12,950
  3520. [laughter]
  3521.  
  3522. 833
  3523. 00:49:13,325 --> 00:49:14,493
  3524. It's the law.
  3525.  
  3526. 834
  3527. 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,787
  3528. [laughter]
  3529.  
  3530. 835
  3531. 00:49:18,288 --> 00:49:21,667
  3532. Far as I'm concerned,
  3533. they've been heroes since before 9/11.
  3534.  
  3535. 836
  3536. 00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:25,504
  3537. [laughter]
  3538.  
  3539. 837
  3540. 00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:31,051
  3541. Fun little New York joke for you guys.
  3542.  
  3543. 838
  3544. 00:49:31,134 --> 00:49:33,387
  3545. [laughter]
  3546.  
  3547. 839
  3548. 00:49:35,430 --> 00:49:36,264
  3549. Now...
  3550.  
  3551. 840
  3552. 00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:44,648
  3553. Now people hear me tell this story
  3554.  
  3555. 841
  3556. 00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:48,276
  3557. and they always say the exact same thing,
  3558.  
  3559. 842
  3560. 00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:52,072
  3561. "Wow, Anthony, you're a good friend.
  3562.  
  3563. 843
  3564. 00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,157
  3565. [laughter]
  3566.  
  3567. 844
  3568. 00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:57,494
  3569. You would help someone like that, Anthony.
  3570. You're a good friend."
  3571.  
  3572. 845
  3573. 00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,371
  3574. Fuck you. No, I'm not.
  3575.  
  3576. 846
  3577. 00:49:59,454 --> 00:50:00,789
  3578. [laughter]
  3579.  
  3580. 847
  3581. 00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:02,290
  3582. I'm not a good friend.
  3583.  
  3584. 848
  3585. 00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:04,668
  3586. I'm a great friend.
  3587.  
  3588. 849
  3589. 00:50:04,751 --> 00:50:05,794
  3590. [laughter]
  3591.  
  3592. 850
  3593. 00:50:06,086 --> 00:50:07,295
  3594. You know the difference?
  3595.  
  3596. 851
  3597. 00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:10,632
  3598. Great friends wake up
  3599. at six in the morning.
  3600.  
  3601. 852
  3602. 00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,802
  3603. Great friends drive to your house.
  3604.  
  3605. 853
  3606. 00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:16,263
  3607. Great friends pick you up
  3608.  
  3609. 854
  3610. 00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:18,765
  3611. and then take you to get your abortion.
  3612.  
  3613. 855
  3614. 00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,351
  3615. Good friends...
  3616.  
  3617. 856
  3618. 00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:24,771
  3619. Good friends just babysit.
  3620.  
  3621. 857
  3622. 00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:27,524
  3623. [laughter and groans]
  3624.  
  3625. 858
  3626. 00:50:28,358 --> 00:50:30,485
  3627. [laughter and applause]
  3628.  
  3629. 859
  3630. 00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:39,911
  3631. Now, I have given this a lot of thought,
  3632.  
  3633. 860
  3634. 00:50:40,620 --> 00:50:41,872
  3635. a lot of thought.
  3636.  
  3637. 861
  3638. 00:50:42,789 --> 00:50:45,667
  3639. And I still don't know
  3640. if it had been my baby,
  3641.  
  3642. 862
  3643. 00:50:46,334 --> 00:50:48,170
  3644. would I have argued to keep it?
  3645.  
  3646. 863
  3647. 00:50:49,296 --> 00:50:51,506
  3648. I think about that saying they always use,
  3649. you know,
  3650.  
  3651. 864
  3652. 00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:55,927
  3653. "What if your baby
  3654. turns out to be a great artist someday?"
  3655.  
  3656. 865
  3657. 00:50:57,429 --> 00:50:59,222
  3658. I don't need that competition.
  3659.  
  3660. 866
  3661. 00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:02,267
  3662. [laughter]
  3663.  
  3664. 867
  3665. 00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:08,732
  3666. People ask me, "What was it like?
  3667.  
  3668. 868
  3669. 00:51:09,316 --> 00:51:12,319
  3670. What was it like to take your friend
  3671. to get her abortion?"
  3672.  
  3673. 869
  3674. 00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:14,446
  3675. It was boring.
  3676.  
  3677. 870
  3678. 00:51:14,571 --> 00:51:15,906
  3679. [laughter]
  3680.  
  3681. 871
  3682. 00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,576
  3683. I don't know why I thought
  3684. it was gonna be fun and exciting...
  3685.  
  3686. 872
  3687. 00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:21,661
  3688. [laughter]
  3689.  
  3690. 873
  3691. 00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,831
  3692. ...but trust me,
  3693.  
  3694. 874
  3695. 00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:28,126
  3696. the only person more disappointed
  3697. than me that day
  3698.  
  3699. 875
  3700. 00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:30,670
  3701. was the baby, all right?
  3702.  
  3703. 876
  3704. 00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:32,756
  3705. [laughter and groans]
  3706.  
  3707. 877
  3708. 00:51:37,636 --> 00:51:39,054
  3709. It was so boring.
  3710.  
  3711. 878
  3712. 00:51:40,430 --> 00:51:44,226
  3713. It was just me by myself
  3714. for two and a half hours
  3715.  
  3716. 879
  3717. 00:51:44,309 --> 00:51:47,938
  3718. in an abortion clinic waiting room
  3719. bored out of my mind.
  3720.  
  3721. 880
  3722. 00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:50,232
  3723. I don't know if you've ever been
  3724.  
  3725. 881
  3726. 00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:52,818
  3727. to an abortion clinic waiting room before,
  3728. but...
  3729.  
  3730. 882
  3731. 00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:56,113
  3732. the magazines are not great.
  3733.  
  3734. 883
  3735. 00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:58,198
  3736. [laughter]
  3737.  
  3738. 884
  3739. 00:52:00,992 --> 00:52:03,995
  3740. The whole place is filled with kids
  3741. for some reason.
  3742.  
  3743. 885
  3744. 00:52:04,079 --> 00:52:06,790
  3745. [laughter]
  3746.  
  3747. 886
  3748. 00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:12,963
  3749. I mean, I thought they were kids.
  3750.  
  3751. 887
  3752. 00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:16,091
  3753. Turns out they were just ghosts.
  3754.  
  3755. 888
  3756. 00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:18,552
  3757. -There's a difference...
  3758. -[laughter]
  3759.  
  3760. 889
  3761. 00:52:18,635 --> 00:52:20,720
  3762. ...sort of, you know?
  3763.  
  3764. 890
  3765. 00:52:26,434 --> 00:52:28,937
  3766. Yeah, that's the high point of the story.
  3767.  
  3768. 891
  3769. 00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:31,064
  3770. [laughter]
  3771.  
  3772. 892
  3773. 00:52:32,065 --> 00:52:33,608
  3774. But I'm only halfway done.
  3775.  
  3776. 893
  3777. 00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:35,277
  3778. [laughter]
  3779.  
  3780. 894
  3781. 00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:38,864
  3782. So I'm in this waiting room for so long
  3783.  
  3784. 895
  3785. 00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:40,866
  3786. and I'm so bored
  3787.  
  3788. 896
  3789. 00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,703
  3790. that after a while,
  3791. my mind just starts to wander,
  3792.  
  3793. 897
  3794. 00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:47,372
  3795. and I start to think about my friend
  3796.  
  3797. 898
  3798. 00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:50,750
  3799. and what she's going through
  3800. behind those doors.
  3801.  
  3802. 899
  3803. 00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:53,211
  3804. And then almost immediately,
  3805.  
  3806. 900
  3807. 00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:55,881
  3808. I bring it back to myself.
  3809.  
  3810. 901
  3811. 00:52:55,964 --> 00:52:58,508
  3812. [laughter]
  3813.  
  3814. 902
  3815. 00:53:01,970 --> 00:53:03,722
  3816. And I think, "Anthony,
  3817.  
  3818. 903
  3819. 00:53:04,222 --> 00:53:07,309
  3820. what are you going to say to her
  3821. when she walks out of there?
  3822.  
  3823. 904
  3824. 00:53:07,767 --> 00:53:10,812
  3825. You should think of something nice to say.
  3826. You should have a plan."
  3827.  
  3828. 905
  3829. 00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:15,442
  3830. Because I'm not going to lie to you guys,
  3831. I blew it when she walked in there.
  3832.  
  3833. 906
  3834. 00:53:15,525 --> 00:53:16,902
  3835. [laughter]
  3836.  
  3837. 907
  3838. 00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:20,238
  3839. I didn't have anything nice prepared,
  3840. I didn't have a plan.
  3841.  
  3842. 908
  3843. 00:53:20,947 --> 00:53:22,490
  3844. The doctor called her name,
  3845.  
  3846. 909
  3847. 00:53:22,949 --> 00:53:23,783
  3848. she stood up,
  3849.  
  3850. 910
  3851. 00:53:24,534 --> 00:53:27,787
  3852. turned around to look at me
  3853. one last time and I panicked.
  3854.  
  3855. 911
  3856. 00:53:28,580 --> 00:53:30,498
  3857. I just went, "Um...
  3858.  
  3859. 912
  3860. 00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:33,210
  3861. "kill 'em in there."
  3862.  
  3863. 913
  3864. 00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:36,004
  3865. [laughter and applause]
  3866.  
  3867. 914
  3868. 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:41,176
  3869. I'm not proud of that, you know?
  3870.  
  3871. 915
  3872. 00:53:41,843 --> 00:53:44,095
  3873. I consider that to be a total failure.
  3874.  
  3875. 916
  3876. 00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:45,597
  3877. [laughter]
  3878.  
  3879. 917
  3880. 00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:49,684
  3881. Worst part for sure was the fist bump,
  3882. I know that now.
  3883.  
  3884. 918
  3885. 00:53:49,768 --> 00:53:51,770
  3886. [laughter]
  3887.  
  3888. 919
  3889. 00:53:55,732 --> 00:53:58,610
  3890. And, yeah, she looked at me
  3891. like I'm an asshole, but...
  3892.  
  3893. 920
  3894. 00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:00,695
  3895. who is she to judge?
  3896.  
  3897. 921
  3898. 00:54:00,779 --> 00:54:03,823
  3899. [laughter]
  3900.  
  3901. 922
  3902. 00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:11,831
  3903. But now the pressure is on me.
  3904.  
  3905. 923
  3906. 00:54:13,041 --> 00:54:15,919
  3907. Think of something nice
  3908. for when she walks out of there.
  3909.  
  3910. 924
  3911. 00:54:17,003 --> 00:54:18,255
  3912. But I'm not good at that.
  3913.  
  3914. 925
  3915. 00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:19,464
  3916. [laughter]
  3917.  
  3918. 926
  3919. 00:54:19,547 --> 00:54:21,049
  3920. That's not my specialty.
  3921.  
  3922. 927
  3923. 00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,845
  3924. Thinking up nice things to say
  3925. to people in their time of need.
  3926.  
  3927. 928
  3928. 00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:31,518
  3929. The closest option I could come up with
  3930. in my own mind was,
  3931.  
  3932. 929
  3933. 00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:34,688
  3934. "Hey, did you lose weight?"
  3935.  
  3936. 930
  3937. 00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:36,189
  3938. [laughter]
  3939.  
  3940. 931
  3941. 00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:37,315
  3942. I know.
  3943.  
  3944. 932
  3945. 00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:39,484
  3946. I know.
  3947.  
  3948. 933
  3949. 00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:44,698
  3950. Look, I'm not proud of that either, okay?
  3951.  
  3952. 934
  3953. 00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,075
  3954. That is useless.
  3955.  
  3956. 935
  3957. 00:54:48,034 --> 00:54:50,996
  3958. I can't say that to my friend.
  3959. That is useless.
  3960.  
  3961. 936
  3962. 00:54:52,163 --> 00:54:54,874
  3963. Except for the fact that it made me laugh.
  3964.  
  3965. 937
  3966. 00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:57,419
  3967. [laughter]
  3968.  
  3969. 938
  3970. 00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:59,504
  3971. And that's when I realized
  3972.  
  3973. 939
  3974. 00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:01,881
  3975. I am chuckling to myself...
  3976.  
  3977. 940
  3978. 00:55:01,965 --> 00:55:03,466
  3979. [laughter]
  3980.  
  3981. 941
  3982. 00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:05,093
  3983. ...in the waiting room...
  3984.  
  3985. 942
  3986. 00:55:05,176 --> 00:55:07,012
  3987. [laughter]
  3988.  
  3989. 943
  3990. 00:55:08,138 --> 00:55:09,806
  3991. ...of an abortion clinic.
  3992.  
  3993. 944
  3994. 00:55:09,889 --> 00:55:11,516
  3995. [laughter]
  3996.  
  3997. 945
  3998. 00:55:11,766 --> 00:55:14,102
  3999. I catch myself, I stop, I look up.
  4000.  
  4001. 946
  4002. 00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:17,188
  4003. I see a couple sitting
  4004. straight across from me.
  4005.  
  4006. 947
  4007. 00:55:18,648 --> 00:55:21,901
  4008. The guy looks away in disgust
  4009. like he wants to fight me.
  4010.  
  4011. 948
  4012. 00:55:22,944 --> 00:55:25,196
  4013. But the woman leans forward and goes,
  4014.  
  4015. 949
  4016. 00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:27,782
  4017. "Hey, Anthony, big fan."
  4018.  
  4019. 950
  4020. 00:55:27,907 --> 00:55:31,453
  4021. [laughter and applause]
  4022.  
  4023. 951
  4024. 00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:37,292
  4025. Which I always appreciate.
  4026. Never a bad time for that. Literally...
  4027.  
  4028. 952
  4029. 00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:38,460
  4030. [laughter]
  4031.  
  4032. 953
  4033. 00:55:38,543 --> 00:55:40,295
  4034. ...any trimester is good.
  4035.  
  4036. 954
  4037. 00:55:40,378 --> 00:55:42,672
  4038. [laughter]
  4039.  
  4040. 955
  4041. 00:55:49,846 --> 00:55:51,973
  4042. Couple of minutes later,
  4043. a nurse walks out,
  4044.  
  4045. 956
  4046. 00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:54,059
  4047. comes right up to me,
  4048.  
  4049. 957
  4050. 00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:57,145
  4051. hands me some paperwork
  4052. and says, "Hey,
  4053.  
  4054. 958
  4055. 00:55:57,979 --> 00:56:00,398
  4056. are you here for Jessica's abortion?"
  4057.  
  4058. 959
  4059. 00:56:01,316 --> 00:56:03,068
  4060. And at his point, I was so bored.
  4061.  
  4062. 960
  4063. 00:56:03,610 --> 00:56:05,612
  4064. [laughter]
  4065.  
  4066. 961
  4067. 00:56:10,158 --> 00:56:12,619
  4068. I just stood up as fast as I could
  4069. and said, 
  4070.  
  4071. 962
  4072. 00:56:12,702 --> 00:56:14,454
  4073. "Wait! Don't you mean ultrasound?"
  4074.  
  4075. 963
  4076. 00:56:14,537 --> 00:56:18,041
  4077. [laughter and applause]
  4078.  
  4079. 964
  4080. 00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,719
  4081. And then I laughed for quite some time.
  4082.  
  4083. 965
  4084. 00:56:29,803 --> 00:56:31,805
  4085. [laughter]
  4086.  
  4087. 966
  4088. 00:56:34,015 --> 00:56:35,100
  4089. I mean,
  4090.  
  4091. 967
  4092. 00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:37,811
  4093. really threw my head back on that one.
  4094.  
  4095. 968
  4096. 00:56:37,894 --> 00:56:39,604
  4097. [laughter]
  4098.  
  4099. 969
  4100. 00:56:41,439 --> 00:56:45,527
  4101. If you're wondering about the nurse,
  4102. don't worry, she was a total pro,
  4103.  
  4104. 970
  4105. 00:56:46,111 --> 00:56:47,278
  4106. did not laugh at all.
  4107.  
  4108. 971
  4109. 00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,364
  4110. [laughter]
  4111.  
  4112. 972
  4113. 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,747
  4114. So I got a little more time left
  4115. in this waiting room,
  4116.  
  4117. 973
  4118. 00:56:58,373 --> 00:57:00,750
  4119. and it finally dawns on me, "Anthony,
  4120.  
  4121. 974
  4122. 00:57:01,418 --> 00:57:03,169
  4123. you're just a terrible person.
  4124.  
  4125. 975
  4126. 00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,462
  4127. [laughter]
  4128.  
  4129. 976
  4130. 00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:08,299
  4131. And you are never going to think
  4132. of something nice to say to your friend.
  4133.  
  4134. 977
  4135. 00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:11,302
  4136. So why not just get her a present,
  4137.  
  4138. 978
  4139. 00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:14,264
  4140. get her a gift to make her feel better.
  4141.  
  4142. 979
  4143. 00:57:14,347 --> 00:57:16,808
  4144. That way, you don't have to say anything."
  4145.  
  4146. 980
  4147. 00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:19,269
  4148. But what do you get
  4149.  
  4150. 981
  4151. 00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:21,729
  4152. for someone who's just had an abortion?
  4153.  
  4154. 982
  4155. 00:57:22,897 --> 00:57:24,149
  4156. I had no idea.
  4157.  
  4158. 983
  4159. 00:57:26,317 --> 00:57:27,569
  4160. So I Googled it.
  4161.  
  4162. 984
  4163. 00:57:27,819 --> 00:57:29,821
  4164. [laughter]
  4165.  
  4166. 985
  4167. 00:57:30,947 --> 00:57:31,948
  4168. You can Google that.
  4169.  
  4170. 986
  4171. 00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:33,491
  4172. [laughter]
  4173.  
  4174. 987
  4175. 00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:34,701
  4176. It worked.
  4177.  
  4178. 988
  4179. 00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:36,911
  4180. A website popped up
  4181.  
  4182. 989
  4183. 00:57:37,745 --> 00:57:40,582
  4184. and I'm glad I looked at it too.
  4185. It really helped me out.
  4186.  
  4187. 990
  4188. 00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:42,375
  4189. 'Cause my first thought,
  4190.  
  4191. 991
  4192. 00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,795
  4193. commemorative coin, does not exist.
  4194.  
  4195. 992
  4196. 00:57:45,879 --> 00:57:47,172
  4197. -[laughter]
  4198. -Yeah.
  4199.  
  4200. 993
  4201. 00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:54,262
  4202. Turns out
  4203. it's actually never been a thing.
  4204.  
  4205. 994
  4206. 00:57:54,345 --> 00:57:55,847
  4207. [laughter]
  4208.  
  4209. 995
  4210. 00:57:56,014 --> 00:57:57,390
  4211. I must have dreamed it.
  4212.  
  4213. 996
  4214. 00:57:57,474 --> 00:57:59,350
  4215. [laughter]
  4216.  
  4217. 997
  4218. 00:58:00,143 --> 00:58:01,519
  4219. My second thought:
  4220.  
  4221. 998
  4222. 00:58:02,103 --> 00:58:03,313
  4223. flowers.
  4224.  
  4225. 999
  4226. 00:58:03,646 --> 00:58:05,106
  4227. Flowers are always good, right?
  4228.  
  4229. 1000
  4230. 00:58:06,065 --> 00:58:08,985
  4231. No, not according to this website.
  4232.  
  4233. 1001
  4234. 00:58:09,944 --> 00:58:12,071
  4235. This website said,
  4236. "Do not get her flowers.
  4237.  
  4238. 1002
  4239. 00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,532
  4240. Flowers are more of a romantic gesture,
  4241.  
  4242. 1003
  4243. 00:58:14,991 --> 00:58:17,368
  4244. then she's got to take them home,
  4245. put them in water.
  4246.  
  4247. 1004
  4248. 00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:19,996
  4249. Do not put her through that on this day."
  4250.  
  4251. 1005
  4252. 00:58:20,705 --> 00:58:22,290
  4253. According to this website,
  4254.  
  4255. 1006
  4256. 00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:25,877
  4257. flowers are the worst gift
  4258. you can get someone 
  4259.  
  4260. 1007
  4261. 00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:27,795
  4262. after they've just had an abortion.
  4263.  
  4264. 1008
  4265. 00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:30,798
  4266. Now, I took that advice on the day.
  4267.  
  4268. 1009
  4269. 00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:33,510
  4270. I still don't think I believe it.
  4271.  
  4272. 1010
  4273. 00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:38,389
  4274. I feel like we can all agree
  4275. the worst gift you could get someone
  4276.  
  4277. 1011
  4278. 00:58:38,723 --> 00:58:40,934
  4279. after they've just had an abortion
  4280.  
  4281. 1012
  4282. 00:58:41,392 --> 00:58:44,187
  4283. would be a to-go box.
  4284.  
  4285. 1013
  4286. 00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:46,814
  4287. [laughter]
  4288.  
  4289. 1014
  4290. 00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:50,068
  4291. Think of something worse
  4292. and I'll change the fucking joke.
  4293.  
  4294. 1015
  4295. 00:58:50,151 --> 00:58:52,028
  4296. [laughter]
  4297.  
  4298. 1016
  4299. 00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:54,781
  4300. The answer is "to-go box."
  4301.  
  4302. 1017
  4303. 00:58:54,864 --> 00:58:56,741
  4304. [laughter]
  4305.  
  4306. 1018
  4307. 00:58:56,908 --> 00:58:58,618
  4308. That would be inappropriate.
  4309.  
  4310. 1019
  4311. 00:58:59,202 --> 00:59:02,413
  4312. That would be a real bucket
  4313. of cold water
  4314.  
  4315. 1020
  4316. 00:59:03,122 --> 00:59:04,791
  4317. on abortion day. No.
  4318.  
  4319. 1021
  4320. 00:59:04,999 --> 00:59:07,001
  4321. [laughter]
  4322.  
  4323. 1022
  4324. 00:59:08,044 --> 00:59:10,630
  4325. According to this website,
  4326. there's only one gift.
  4327.  
  4328. 1023
  4329. 00:59:11,047 --> 00:59:13,299
  4330. Only one gift is appropriate
  4331.  
  4332. 1024
  4333. 00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:16,010
  4334. after someone has just had an abortion.
  4335.  
  4336. 1025
  4337. 00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:20,515
  4338. And that is... a succulent.
  4339.  
  4340. 1026
  4341. 00:59:25,144 --> 00:59:28,523
  4342. -Do you know what a succulent is?
  4343. -[laughter]
  4344.  
  4345. 1027
  4346. 00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:30,900
  4347. 'Cause I had to Google that shit too.
  4348.  
  4349. 1028
  4350. 00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:31,859
  4351. [laughter]
  4352.  
  4353. 1029
  4354. 00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:36,322
  4355. If you don't know,
  4356. a succulent is a desert plant.
  4357.  
  4358. 1030
  4359. 00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,200
  4360. It's like a cactus, it's a plant
  4361. that doesn't need water.
  4362.  
  4363. 1031
  4364. 00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:43,162
  4365. It's a plant that gets its nutrients
  4366. from the air. Give her that.
  4367.  
  4368. 1032
  4369. 00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:46,082
  4370. I said, "Absolutely not."
  4371.  
  4372. 1033
  4373. 00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:49,210
  4374. I would never do that
  4375. to my friend Jessica.
  4376.  
  4377. 1034
  4378. 00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,213
  4379. I would never be like,
  4380. "Oh, here you go, Jessica.
  4381.  
  4382. 1035
  4383. 00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:56,050
  4384. Here's something else
  4385. you never have to take care of."
  4386.  
  4387. 1036
  4388. 00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:57,927
  4389. [laughter]
  4390.  
  4391. 1037
  4392. 00:59:58,011 --> 01:00:01,097
  4393. [applause and laughter]
  4394.  
  4395. 1038
  4396. 01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:03,474
  4397. [cheering]
  4398.  
  4399. 1039
  4400. 01:00:11,566 --> 01:00:13,776
  4401. I would never do that.
  4402. What am I, a monster?
  4403.  
  4404. 1040
  4405. 01:00:13,860 --> 01:00:15,069
  4406. [laughter]
  4407.  
  4408. 1041
  4409. 01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,364
  4410. So I didn't get her anything.
  4411.  
  4412. 1042
  4413. 01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:19,490
  4414. [laughter]
  4415.  
  4416. 1043
  4417. 01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,577
  4418. She eventually walked out
  4419. from behind those doors.
  4420.  
  4421. 1044
  4422. 01:00:22,910 --> 01:00:25,413
  4423. I didn't give her anything,
  4424. I didn't say anything.
  4425.  
  4426. 1045
  4427. 01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:26,831
  4428. I just stood up,
  4429.  
  4430. 1046
  4431. 01:00:27,248 --> 01:00:28,499
  4432. I gave her a hug,
  4433.  
  4434. 1047
  4435. 01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:31,544
  4436. helped her to the car, drove her home.
  4437.  
  4438. 1048
  4439. 01:00:31,753 --> 01:00:33,838
  4440. I sat next to her on her couch,
  4441.  
  4442. 1049
  4443. 01:00:34,464 --> 01:00:36,549
  4444. holding her while she cried.
  4445.  
  4446. 1050
  4447. 01:00:36,841 --> 01:00:38,343
  4448. I was a great friend that day.
  4449.  
  4450. 1051
  4451. 01:00:39,135 --> 01:00:43,765
  4452. Such a great friend that even hours later
  4453. after she'd stopped crying,
  4454.  
  4455. 1052
  4456. 01:00:43,848 --> 01:00:47,894
  4457. calmed down and forgotten about
  4458. the whole thing forever...
  4459.  
  4460. 1053
  4461. 01:00:48,019 --> 01:00:50,772
  4462. [laughter]
  4463.  
  4464. 1054
  4465. 01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:57,111
  4466. ...I was still there next to her,
  4467.  
  4468. 1055
  4469. 01:00:57,820 --> 01:00:59,739
  4470. writing down all these jokes.
  4471.  
  4472. 1056
  4473. 01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:03,785
  4474. [laughter and applause]
  4475.  
  4476. 1057
  4477. 01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:06,746
  4478. Now,
  4479.  
  4480. 1058
  4481. 01:01:07,747 --> 01:01:09,290
  4482. my favorite part
  4483.  
  4484. 1059
  4485. 01:01:09,791 --> 01:01:15,713
  4486. about having a true 15-minute story
  4487. about taking my friend to get her abortion
  4488.  
  4489. 1060
  4490. 01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:19,008
  4491. to end my shows with
  4492. are the different reactions
  4493.  
  4494. 1061
  4495. 01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,551
  4496. I get from the audience.
  4497.  
  4498. 1062
  4499. 01:01:21,344 --> 01:01:27,058
  4500. Some people laugh, some people cringe,
  4501. some people get visibly upset.
  4502.  
  4503. 1063
  4504. 01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:29,352
  4505. And the truth is, guys,
  4506.  
  4507. 1064
  4508. 01:01:30,353 --> 01:01:32,355
  4509. those are all the same to me.
  4510.  
  4511. 1065
  4512. 01:01:32,563 --> 01:01:35,316
  4513. [laughter]
  4514.  
  4515. 1066
  4516. 01:01:37,527 --> 01:01:40,446
  4517. But the best reaction,
  4518. my favorite reaction I've ever gotten
  4519.  
  4520. 1067
  4521. 01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:43,241
  4522. from this story
  4523. was just a couple of weeks ago.
  4524.  
  4525. 1068
  4526. 01:01:44,033 --> 01:01:47,286
  4527. A woman in the back of the theater
  4528. stands up very confidently
  4529.  
  4530. 1069
  4531. 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,248
  4532. and she screams out, "Excuse me.
  4533.  
  4534. 1070
  4535. 01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:52,500
  4536. Excuse me, Anthony,
  4537.  
  4538. 1071
  4539. 01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:56,796
  4540. but what the fuck
  4541. is so funny about abortion?"
  4542.  
  4543. 1072
  4544. 01:01:58,005 --> 01:01:59,215
  4545. And I said, "Lady,
  4546.  
  4547. 1073
  4548. 01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:01,968
  4549. I just told you."
  4550.  
  4551. 1074
  4552. 01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:04,053
  4553. [laughter]
  4554.  
  4555. 1075
  4556. 01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,806
  4557. Thank you very much, everyone.
  4558. You've been a wonderful crowd.
  4559.  
  4560. 1076
  4561. 01:02:06,889 --> 01:02:10,560
  4562. [cheering]
  4563.  
  4564. 1077
  4565. 01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:15,022
  4566. [cheering and applause drowns out speech]
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