Dear Angel,

If you’re reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to send this to you, so good for me. You’ve known me long enough to agree that when it comes to writing, I have a tendency to unload my thoughts and feelings onto a page/message and go on and on with what appears to be relative ease. But it never has been easy. It’s been hard. Especially now. This, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it.

I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another. Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there’s this feeling in my gut that hasn’t subsided. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you, Angel. That’s the good news.

The bad is that I don’t know how to be with you. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I’m not with you right now, I have this feeling we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment hat could have changed everything. I don’t want to say I feel like the moment has been missed because it wasn’t missed initially. It was caught at the perfect time. The moment just seemed to get lost in translation.

We haven’t spoken in over two weeks and it’s been a month since you admitted that I was no longer in the picture. But whilst you may not even think twice in a day about me, the thoughts of you haven’t escaped my mind at all. Not even for a second of everyday. I always think of you. As you left such a mark on me. I fell head over heels for you Angel. I fell so far over heels that my head got swallowed into the ground. That my feelings became physically painful as well as mentally. How could I not fall for you? You are one of the most attractive girls I’ve ever laid my eyes on and I’ve thought that since the first moment I saw you both in person, and from Snapchat over a year ago.Regardless of how rough the road has been, I don’t want to be another name thrown into the abyss. Because yours never will. When we first spent the night, nothing else could ever feel that way.

Fuck. I miss you deeply. Your absence only serves to remind me just how much I really miss you. I miss your scarlet drawl. I miss your laugh. I miss you trying to pronounce my British slang. I could never leave your face. I never wanted to. I miss the smell of you. I miss your family. I’ve never felt so welcome being allowed into your home and never felt so privileged to live inside a small window of your life for a day or three. The entire hospitality is something I will hold dear to me because that is a family unit that I could spend endless amounts of time with.

I wallow in a state of bitter-sweetness because you really are one in a million. A diamond in the rough. I feel content that even over such extreme distances, that I still got to see you. And yet you spared the moments after the moment for your own self indulgence. Now everyone in this life has to be selfish to get what they want. I get that. And I can be selfish too. Because I’d rather push aside a world of things just to see you again. I would’ve sold my soul for a little more time with you. I would’ve waited a thousand nights just to wake up by your side. It hurts me even now as I write this that things have come to this. To going back to mere strangers after sharing such an intimate short period of time. After spending half of every waking day intoxicated on my next text or phone call from you. After getting to know what I thought was the in’s and out’s of your daily life. I talk to Amber everyday, and as much as she is a wonderful friend for me to have and genuinely a lovely person, she just isn’t you. I miss YOU.

Now I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but to me it looks like you’ve moved on and I’m no longer relevant in the grand scheme of things. And that makes me sad. The last time I felt like this, was over someone who finished things with me three years ago. Once bitten, twice shy. It’s taken me three years to accept it and move on wards. And then you came along by accident and waltz’d an even bigger stamp across my mind. Sure, in retrospect we have only really known each other for a few months if that. But time has a way of bending its mechanism of reality and winding the coil to where days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months of getting to know you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have felt so strongly about you after a short space of time, but when you get that feeling in your gut, you can’t argue with it. Life just throws you signs and it’d be a sin to ignore them.

Look, seeing you are now with someone new makes me feel like utter shit. But I guess that was obvious anyway. I just want this to serve as an opening to a much needed conversation. Not having you in my life is a resolution I don’t want to accept. I was going to tell you that I wanted to come and visit you every month. Set up a little schedule so I’d never be gone for too long. Now, I don’t know when I’ll next be coming back to Nashville. But all I know is a piece of me belongs in Tennessee, and I haven’t been the same since I left. No one has ever flown 4,000 miles just to see me. But I know if they did, I would treat them better.

No one is perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Anyone can accept that. And accept that us as humans are flawed, and we make stupid decisions. I don’t know what’s going on with us, nor can’t I or anyone tell you why you should waste the leap of faith on the likes of me, but damn you smell good. Like home. And you have a great mutual taste for La La Land & Starbucks. That’s got to count for something right?

Call me.
Unfaithfully yours,
Jon