Hanako Smut: Winter Warmth

Hanako Smut: Winter Warmth

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Just a quick warning, this story involves cheating.
It isn't NTR and it isn't extreme, but I'll leave the doubt that it might bother some people.
Feel free not to read if that's the case!

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I should've expected something like this. After I recovered, Lilly left. I thought my recklessness would show her how seriously I considered our relationship. That I wasn't okay with it ending. She'd managed to stave off her father's demands for the duration of my stay in the hospital -- but it seems that her father's word is law.

And so she left for Scotland.

Leaving Hanako and I in the dust of our memories.

'I'll visit, I promise.'
'Nothing is going to change, I'll keep in touch.'
'Please be there for Hanako.'

As far as we both know, she's never coming back. Her future lies in a far away land, decided by a person who she apparently can't or won't defy.

I don't know what else to do with myself, really. I lost the love of my life, the woman who was my image of perfection. I tried believing for the last year and a half that she would come back, but her once strong communication has begun to diminish.

I guess her father doesn't approve of me. Maybe he thinks I'm not good enough for her. Perhaps I'm not.

Hanako and I wound up splitting rent on an apartment. Even if who I lost is the person I love, we both lost a friend. I didn't want us to lose each other, either. What else do we have?

Plus, my parents constantly ask about my condition and how my experience at Yamaku was. Not something I feel like remembering anymore. All it does is make me more bitter.

Hanako is a good friend. She's been more of a friend than I've had before. Kenji pops by every now and then. He's a good distraction, but I can't talk to him about serious stuff like this. It'd just warp into feminist conspiracies, which would agitate me.

After a long day of work and classes, I arrive home. Irate and grumpy as hell, but I am home. It's somewhat warm, it's quiet and I don't have to worry about things grating away at what little stability I have left.

It also means I'm out of the damn snow. There's been a snow storm billowing around for the last few days, sapping the heat from everything. Even before the blizzard, there's been a horrible chill in the air.

Either way, I guess I slammed the door a bit too hard coming inside.

"R-Rough day?"

Her question only elicits a grunt from me. I head to my room, change out of my work clothes and head to the living room to sit down. I just want to watch TV right now, relax a little.

I flick on the television set, sifting through the public channels for a movie I haven't seen or we don't own on DVD. Hanako is silently staring at the glass of water she has clasped between her hands. Looks like she put down her book when I got home.

"Lilly respond yet?"

"...No."

"What's that then, three weeks?"

"Yeah."

"Great." I have Hanako keep an eye on my email while I'm at work, just in case Lilly gets back to me. It's been a while since. Last thing she told me in her short email was that she might be getting a job in her father's company.

Hanako sighs and I can see from my peripheral that she's furrowing her brow at me from across the couch. In a huff, she sits up and storms off into the kitchen.

Whatever. I don't want company right now anyways.

To my surprise, she hops over the back of the couch moments later with the sound of clinking glasses and a large bottle in hand.

"What's that...?"

"Blue Label. S-Scotch."

I frown a bit. I remember that. It was a graduation gift from Akira. I recall clearly that I nearly forced her to take it back when she told me how expensive that liquor is. I figured it too expensive to drink and that it was better left unopened.

Hanako places down two lowball glasses that already have ice in them. Shortly after, she pours about half a glass of scotch in each.

Sliding mine to me, I toss her a questioning glance. This isn't like her. She rarely ever drinks unless it's with Lilly.

"You n-need to relax more."

I sigh, taking the glass and knocking back half the contents in a single go. Almost immediately, I regret it. This stuff kicks.

I exhale weakly, shaking my head as if to ward off that potency of that drink.

Hanako grins at me, downing the exact same amount.

"C'mon. Lets w-watch some movies and stop being upset, o-okay?" She barely manages after a heavy cough.

"Alright, alright."

After a few glasses, I can already feel a goofy smile crawling onto my face. Television is much more entertaining after a few drinks. The commercials become a whole lot less annoying and a lot funnier.

We start making games out of bad movies.

Wait for a main character to say a hammy catch line and down a shot of scotch. The 750 milliliter bottle might not be able to handle us if we keep at this rate.

After a while, we start mellowing out once we end up landing on some documentary. It's some peaceful rainforest.

"Why d'ya think Lilly hasn't responded to my email yet? Think it's 'cuz she's working?"

Hanako's half slumped onto my shoulder. Her alcohol tolerance isn't quite as good as mine, thanks to the consistent alcohol poisoning I undergo when hanging out with Kenji.

"Dunno. Pr-probably. Hopefully."

"It isn't hard to take fifteen minutes out of a day to replym, though. I mean... she's s'posed to be my girlfriend. She says she loves me. I basically don' even exist to her anymore."

Hanako grumbles.

"Know what I th-think? She's bein' st-stupid. And selfish."

I can't disagree with that.

"You went and nearly died to go see her one last time. All she could do was wait until you were better to say goodbye for good." Her coherency in speech has improved since the alcohol, which is unusual. Probably the lowered inhibitions preventing her hesitation.

"She's my best friend, but I hate seeing what she's doing to you. You're my best friend too! And she just goes... and throws you away because her dad says 'come home and forget your friends'."

It seems Hanako's tone has taken on an angry one. I bet this has injured her as much as it has me. What would Hanako have done if I hadn't become their friend? She'd be alone right now.

"To her, I bet we don't matter. We were just some obligations to her, people to help fix. She can just move on and make new friends. She's strong. Us? We're... we're left in a lurch, not knowing what to do with ourselves."

"You're right." My eyes are heavy.

"I mean, you coulda done the same. Just ignored me and moved on. I'm the most broken of the three of us. I have the hardest time making friends and living in the real world."

She pauses, rubbing her forehead fiercly with the palm of her hand.

"But you didn't and I know it isn't out of pity. I can see it on people, it's how I've always been treated. But you... you're a... you're a,"

"A what?"

"A good person, Hisshao." I have to remove the glass from her hand as she starts giggling from my shoulder.

"Am I a good pershon?" She looks up at me from my shoulder eagerly. Almost like a kitten awaiting praise for just being cute.

I smile, nodding slowly. "You're a good person but you gotta cut back on the drink. I think I do too."

I cap the bottle.

"I just wish I could let go, y'know? After all we went through, I'm just left here with all these feelings. No closure. Nowhere to put the feelings. She doesn't act like we're together in those emails. Or says she might come back. Everythin's changed."

I lean back, looking towards the ceiling.

Hanako's resting on my shoulder. A while ago, this might've been weird to me. But it's actually kinda nice.

She wraps her arms around mine.

Huh?

"Hisshao."

Okay, uh. I feel like this situation is starting to drift into the caution zone.

"Yeah?" My voice is tentative.

"Room's spinnin'. Make it stop." Oh. Well that explains why she's trying to bury her face into my arm.

Albeit shakily, I stand up and hand her a pillow.

"Hold onto this. It'll do while I getcha some water." I manage to stumble from the living room into the kitchen. Alright, focus. My visison's doing a good job of staying unfocused, though.

...Which cabinet had the glasses in it? I guess a few times, being presented with plates and bowls at first. Then I find the glasses. Run some water, fill the glass.

Don't drop it now. Alright, get back to the living room... I return to the sight of Hanako curled over, squeezing the pillow to her chest for dear life while clenching her eyes shut.

She's groaning a little. I place the cup in front of her. "Can ya sit up?" I ask. She shakes her head a little. Propping her up, I hand her the glass of water.

"Shcotch ish sneaky." Hanako informs me while sipping from the glass of water. Yeah, it is. I can already feel the headache creeping up on me.

We go back to watching the TV in silence. Hanako places the pillow she was squeezing against my shoulder, patting it a few times as if to make sure it's soft enough.

I switch the channel to some cheesy action flick and we sit in silence for a long while.

"Hey, Hisao?"

"What's up?"

She doesn't say anything for a while.

Then she finally speaks.

"It's n-nothin'."

Alright then. I am a little curious to hear what she was planning to say, though. She always avoids drinking, presumably because she has a lot on her mind she doesn't want to say.

"What's on your mind?" I bite. I'm not good at being left hanging.

"N-Nothing."

"Aw, c'mon. You were gonna say something."

"Yeah, and now I'm not g-gonna."

"Fine, then I get my shoulder back."

"Th-That's not fair! Sitting up m-makes me feel si-sick."

"Pssh. You shouldn't say anythin' if you don't want me to ask." I move to take my shoulder away from her, but she scrambles to stay against it.

Instead, she falls over, pillow and her head falling into my lap.

A momentary pause of confusion for the two of us. "W-Well, it isn't your shoulder." She looks up at me, ejecting her tongue at me in defiance.

For a second, I'm thrown. Just barely, I'm reminded of Lilly.

Then I'm overwhelmed by a sense of guilt.

Isn't this flirting or something?

I clear my throat and look up without saying anything.

"S-Sorry. I-I w-wasn't..." Hanako sits up quickly, squeezing the pillow nervously. "I don't wa-want to m-mess things u-up, I wa-wasn't - you're my o-only frie-!"

I interupt her. I wasn't taking it that way. And I'm not going to abandon her just because we're both a bit too drunk and being silly. "Don't worry, you didn't bother me. I just,"

I reach for the bottle of scotch, pouring myself some more. "Miss Lilly, I guess." I knock back the bottom of the glass, a rush of blur taking over my vision.

Not sure if my eyes are watering, or if it's the alcohol.

Hanako's completely quiet. I pour one more glass and stand up. "I'm going to bed, I think..."

Hanako doesn't say anything as I leave the room and enter my own. I don't bother flicking on the light, this drunken route is well practiced. Hanako never notices because I'm good at hiding when I drink.

She'd get worried and try talking to me about it. Honestly, I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of thinking.

Shedding my clothes, I collapse on my the edge of my bed, staring into the emptiness of my unlit bedroom. Me, myself and a glass of hard liquor. Isn't this some kind of movie setting?

I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything. I do a good job of keeping it out of my mind, but tonight's not one of those nights.

Is Lilly just busy? Or is that an excuse?

Is she actually being selfish? It's my worst-case scenario and I still don't want to believe it. Yet, hearing Hanako of all people echo my thoughts made me feel less like I was just being a mindless pessimist.

Lilly barely even talks about what she's doing over there. What if she is just giving up on me and doesn't know how to tell me?

My mind, the dark and the alcohol start playing tricks on me. What if her feelings changed? What if those feelings weren't as strong as I thought they were?

Grim stories unravel in my hazy mind. Lilly's found someone else. Someone more qualified for a girl of her qualities. Someone with money. With more talent. More attractive. With a functioning heart.

Her father's probably already convinced her to leave me. Why stay with someone who might die in the next ten to twenty years? I dig my nails into my chest, feeling the line of scar tissue running down my sternum.

I wish I could just fix myself.

Conflicting emotions swallow me whole. Should I be angry? At who? Myself for not finding a way to make her stay? At her, for leaving? At her father for never giving me a chance? For taking her away from me?

Where do I aim my frustrations?

I accidentally drop my glass of scotch onto my carpet. The soft thud distracts me. The glass must've been sweating... I know my grip didn't loosen. My knuckles are practically white. I feel sick. Not just because of the alcohol, but because of my emotions.

I'll clean up the scotch tomorrow. Lurching onto my bed, I wrap myself in my sheets. I have a picture of Lilly on my endtable that we took when we were in Hokkaido together. I can't see it, but I know it's there.

I reach out, missing it at first. When my hand finally meets it, I lay it face down. For once, I don't want to see her when I wake up in the morning. Not right now.

I close my eyes, hiding in my pillow.

Sleep is restless. Shallow. I can't seem to stay in the elusive comfort of sleep. My sheets feel like arms around me when I fall into that comforting rest, like Lilly's.

She abandoned me, abandoned Hanako. Yet I still long for her. It feels wrong, loving someone who seemingly discarded you.

My door creaks open.

"Hi-His-sao...?"

I'm brought to the surface of my shallow sleep. Hanako? My head's throbbing and moving seems like a terrible idea.

"Sorry... I j-just u-usually hear you ta-talking at night."

She... what?

"Yo-You talk to her, li-like she's still there. Like n-nothing ev-ever changed."

My heart clenches in embarrassment. She's not lying. I just never expected her to notice.

"I ha-hate knowing y-you're hurting."

Silence.

"I-I'm not L-L-Lilly, but..."

"I'll l-listen to you tonight."

She keeps walking towards me, pulling over and crawling under the sheets. My heart jumps. This isn't like her. Although -- don't they say a person is most honest when drunk?

Of all things I can say or think, only one thing occurs to me when she rests her forehead against my back.

"Did you finish the bottle?"

Silence.

"Hanako."

A giggle.

"Damn it, Hanako."

"Shh. Talk, d-don't complain."

What would I even talk about? I don't want to talk about how I feel still for Lilly. I don't want to talk about how my day was.

"How about if I talk about how guilty this makes me feel?"

"Wh-what?"

Whoops. That one was supposed to stay in my head. I groan a little as Hanako inches closer against my back. She's warm.

"I... like this. As much as I shouldn't."

"N-Nothing wr-wrong with liking human c-contact."

No, there isn't. Not after becoming so accustomed to it. But should I be enjoying it with my girlfriend's best friend?

Is Lilly even my girlfriend any more?

I don't think it even matters anymore. Reaching behind me, I take Hanako's hands and pull them forward, around me. I want her to be closer. Her warmth reminds me of how I used to feel.

More alive. All I feel is rigid now. Like a wooden boy, jerking along to life's show-tunes.

I can feel the fabric of Hanako's usual nightgown against my back. I can feel her breath against my neck. Her body. Her shape.

I can feel my heart beating against the inside of my chest.

She's drunk, but I've sobered up a little.

Even if I was, I don't think it'd still justify what I want to do.

I turn in bed, the whole room spinning with it as well. I can feel the tips of Hanako and I's noses just barely touching. Faintly, I can see her tired expression and the outline of her face.

My arms reach out and pull her body completely against mine.

"Wh-wh-what are you doing?"

I place my forehead against hers. She's the one who got in bed with me.

"Trying to stay warm. It's cold." Not exactly a lie. It's freezing in the apartment at night. Heating isn't exactly cheap.

"O-O-Oh. Y-Yeah."

Our faces are inches from each other's. In a way, this is a cruel test on my part. She's always been there for me, for Lilly. I've always had a sneaking suspicion, though. She puts herself last, because she thinks so little of herself as a person.

I bet she doesn't think she deserves the happiness other people share. That Lilly and I shared. I bet she was more content to just see the people closest to her happy, without regard for herself.

Her breaths are getting heavier as her hands remain around me and resting on my back. Her fingers are tracing the contours of my back, as if trying to get an idea of what the shape of my body is.

For once, despite it being something Lilly would do, I don't equate it to her.

Instead I'm focusing on Hanako's breath on my lips. Her mouth's just barely parted and breaths shudder very slightly. The smell of alcohol is strong on her breath, but I'm sure it is on mine too.

Hanako lifts her foot, draping it slightly over my leg. Her hands are digging into my back ever so slightly. Has her face gotten closer to mine?

She's resisting.

"Hey, Hanako." I whisper.

"Y-Yes?" She draws out the last consonant a bit longer than I think she intended.

"Know how you said I was a good person earlier?"

"Ye-Yes..."

"I don't think I am."

"Wh-Why?"

I answer her with a kiss.

In a single moment, everything bursts loose. Passion, guilt, frustration, loneliness, sudden infatuation. I grab hold of her thigh, pulling her leg over my hip.

I position myself between her legs as my hand reaches up her gown, to the small of her back. I pull her body into mine, causing her to gasp at the pressure. Our kisses are frantic, desperate.

"Wha-What about... wh-what about Lilly?" Hanako asks while my hands roam her shape underneath the dress, exploring every contour while our bodies churn against one another.

"What about her? We're just trying to stay warm. It's cold, remember?" I manage out between kisses and pants.

"R-Right."

She wraps her leg around me, climbing on top while pushing me back. Not what I'd expect from my bookworm best friend. She's grinding back and forth, slight groans escaping her mouth as she leans forward to kiss me again.

"Is-Isn't this w-wrong?"

"Is it any more wrong than her leaving us?"

"M-Maybe..."

"Then why aren't you stopping?"

Her lack of an answer is an answer in itself. She wants this as much as I do, although perhaps for different reasons. For me, an escape -- a way to cope. A means to erasing the painful thoughts of someone from my mind. For Hanako though -- this might be proper affection.

Her hips are moving frantically. She doesn't know what she's doing, but her efforts are enticing all the same. I work my hands up to her hips, grabbing hold of them and guiding her motions.

Her breath catches and then shudders as she feels what it is she's looking for rubbing against her through her undergarments.

I manage somehow to get her bra off. I'm not sure if I just broke the clasps or I managed to undo them. My hands grab hold of a breast while the other stays at the back of her neck, pulling her towards me for those frenzied kisses.

I'm becoming increasingly impatient.

We've already stepped over the line, there's no need to stop now, is there? I take hold of her mid-riff and swing her to where I was laying. I'm still between her thighs and before I can even begin tearing off what remainder of clothing we're both wearing, her legs are wrapped around my back.

"Should I uh, get a condom?" I don't even know whether I have any. If I do, I don't know where they'd be.

"J-J-Just..." Hanako's hands are pulling at my hair, her eyes aimed downwards.

You don't have to finish that sentence.

Pushing her dress up, exposing her breasts in the darkness I can barely see through, I lower my head to them. Tongue tracing over her skin, her body jerks as my hands pull aside her panties.

My hands rest on both sides of her body. Rough and soft. Running my hands along her body, she shivers.

"Cold." She pulls my body closer to hers.

Right. We're staying warm. That's what this is. That's what we'll call it, to avoid what we're actually doing. Drunk or not, we're aware.

"Ready?" I whisper. She nods, pecking a kiss at my lips.

I push into her and her body clenches almost immediately. This is a sensation I haven't felt in a long time. It's almost completely different than I remember it, though.

I figured that with anyone, it'd just feel the same. That the emotion would make it seem different, not the person. Yet, this is entirely different than with Lilly.

Or am I still right? Is there emotion to this...?

I move slowly, making sure to take heed of any gasps of pain. Hanako isn't making too many, probably thanks to how dulled her senses are from the alcohol. I slow down for a second, almost completely stopping.

"Wh-why'd you stop?"

"Wanted to make sure you could feel it."

"I-I can. It feels g-good."

Her legs tighten around my waist, pulling me back into her. She exhales in pleasure that I can feel as she tightens around me. Quickening my pace, her hands continue roaming as her voice raises in tone.

I just noticed, but the wind outside is billowing. I've been so fixated on Hanako that I hadn't noticed until now. Hanako eventually pulls herself from laying back and hoists herself onto my lap.

Our bodies are right up against one another's, each other's skins slick from sweat and exertion. She keeps moving, pulling my head against her neck while she moans.

I kiss along the nape of her neck and I realize I'm kissing the burned side. She mutters no at first, but I bite gently and she yelps a little in excitement. Her scars have never bothered me, but I'm sure she's still embarrassed by them, even for how long we've been friends.

There's a burning in my chest, but it isn't a flutter. I can't explain it. I'm immediately distracted from it by the gradual buildup to release spiking.

Hanako's taken me deep into herself, bucking her hips and hitting some kind of spot inside of her. She's moaning louder than I expected her capable of and the degree in which she's tightening around me is almost painful.

I grit my teeth, resisting the allure of climax while she finishes. I can't, not without some kind of contraceptive. What a story that'd be -- so I not only cheated, but I knocked up your best friend. My bad!

Struggling with the sensation of pleasure, I pull out after she finishes. Just from the feeling of exiting alone, I manage to finish and wind up doing so onto Hanako.

"Sorry... let me get you a -- er, towel or something." Hanako's collapsed backwards, panting frantically. I reach around in the dark, getting her some random shirt. I don't care right now, I feel bad enough about making a mess on her stomach and chest that I doubt it really matters. I'll just wash it later.

I hand it to her and she wipes herself off, letting the shirt roll out of her hand and off my bed. She's adjusting her clothes, casting aside her panties and presumably busted bra that was dangling from a shoulder. I lay down next to her, pulling her against my chest.

Horrifyingly, the result of what my drunken loneliness has done sinks in at this very moment. The moment that I should be enjoying.

"H-Hisao?" Hanako sounds more than a little embarassed right now.

I put my thoughts together so I can respond without sounding panicked. "Yeah?"

"A-Are you ha-happy?"

I kiss her on the forehead. Although I feel like I've done something terrible, I am. It's a strange feeling. I gave in to base, human instinct and cheated on the girl I say I'm in love with.

And yet, I'm happy right now.

Is this wrong?

I'm not really certain. Morals say yes, everything else in me says no. I am happy.

"Yes, I am."

"W-W-Well, if it m-makes you happy..." She clears her throat, burying her face in my neck.

"...it again."

"What? I couldn't hear you."

"We c-ca-can do it... again. If it m-makes you happy, that is. Whenever it's c-cold. To stay w-warm, right? Or we can just p-pretend this d-didn't happen. I-If you want that."

This girl. She could try and guilt me into a relationship, swear it off as some horrible mistake.

Yet she's offering herself to me if it'd make me happy. Or just let this be a faint dream she had one drunken night.

"Well, I don't think it's just about me. What about yourself? Would it make you happy?"

She mutters a 'very' at me and I have to struggle to repress a smile. Why didn't I ever notice how adorable this girl was? Maybe it was because she was always so busy hiding behind a book or Lilly.

"Then we should. If it makes both of us happy."

Hanako's nestled against my chest, our arms around one another. Content as I feel about this, I just worry about what complications this might bring in the future.

Peering through the darkness, I'm glad I laid that photo of Lilly and I face-down.