Me

He destroys my will.
He crushes my heart.
He causes my mind to wear out.
He afflicts my body.
My soul weeps in suffering.
He changes my spirit to pain.
He lets abusers overwhelm me.
He does not listen to my pleas for mercy.
Although I have not sinned, he burdens me with evil.
I say to him, "I love you," and he rejects me.
He does not silence accusers from torturing me.
He calls me guilty without my knowing why.
I cry out to him, but my words are meaningless.
I must forever be unsatisfactory in his sight.
He ignores my praise and repays my love with hurt.
He does not relent his harsh discipline until I fail.
With both feet he crushes my head and my heart.
I thought I would be rewarded with loving kindness.
He has reduced me completely to nothing.
I am rejected by both God and man.
No one intercedes on my behalf.
They see what is done to me, but I am already nothing.
My cause has vanished, my purpose to be trodden.
He makes me a path and pebbles to be kicked.
He gives blind people words to teach me.
He lets mockers insult his understanding.
He makes me pour out myself to my enemies.
With guilt he forces me.
He controls my every thought so that I hate myself.
I cannot stand, nor do I want to go on.
He has created no escape from him.
Yet I will not hate my God.
He makes every act a struggle.
His discipline enslaves me and contends with me until I am nothing.
I collapse and am no more.
I am silent, I am feeble.
I look to him but his face is full of disappointment.
He has already taken everything from me; I have nothing to offer.
He demands from me my self, all that I am.
I submit myself to him into torture and torment.
I look at those around me and not one can understand.
Even in death, I will never find rest.
Both Death and Life have made themselves my enemy.
How am I so hated? How am I so despised?
Look at how detestable I am!
I collapse on a bed with a mattress called pain.
He tucks me into bed with a blanket of nightmares.
And somehow, anyhow, it is all my fault.
He makes me take on the punishments of those he shows me.
He tends to the grass outside the door.
And I am mocked by envy at the grace he shows the ignorant.
But he makes me say, "Punish me, not them."
He changes my words so my heart concedes defeat.
I have no heart to ask why; I am not brave enough.
I am a coward and a stubborn mule who needs a bit in its mouth.
Even the ground I walk upon sinks beneath me.
Even his footstool has rejected me.
I should cry. My tears should fall. But even they cost water.
I curse myself and reject all words of hope and comfort,
For I know I will never find peace and I will suffer always.
I say, "Look," but no one has eyes.
I say, "Listen," but no one has ears.
Have you ever seen dust walk on dust? Come and laugh at me, I'm a joke!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Let the world rejoice while I mourn.
Let them lock me away in a prison to support my value.
I said that I was best friends with Mockery and it smiled at me.
I said God's Hand has smacked me.
Why should I suffer the company of fellow humans when this is my reward?
My portion is on my plate and he makes me stare at the heap on my plate.
"Yet for all this I must still somehow thank God," men tell me.
"You must love God for hating you."
They say to me, "He loves you so much that he makes you eat from your master's plate."
I have rejected his Spirit, all the value I am and was personally given.
He can take back his mercy and throw me to suffer among other cowards and non-believers.
Nothing I say or do will ever make me valuable to him.
Worthless am I! Useless! Stubborn! Detestable!
How horrible is my fate; this wretch is not even worth punishing.
I am not even worth his anger; retribution would be wasted on me.
If you can calculate nothing, you can see me.
I assert, so reject me. I request, so deny me.
Let all you non-believers take my words and twist them against me for your own purposes.
But his name must be praised forever.
His majesty is more valuable than me.