I'll just reiterate how much I fucking hate the modern Job Hunting process. It is the biggest pile of horseshit.

The worst part is how fucking soul crushing this task is. You apply to the same jobs all over the city, most of them online, because let's be honest, who has the time to scour the city or "network" at job clubs or career fairs or other social "business professional" events where you have to pay money to get in or buy food/drink when you've got to pay rent, front money for bills and insurance so you aren't fucked if you get into a car accident or end up sick, and gas isn't cheap, and who in the fuck actually wants to show up to a "career club," at 8 o clock in the fucking morning to listen to some Gen X New Age type talk about people energy or networking?

And the best part is that we're doing this for a job we honestly don't like. I read that 2% of the world population actually enjoys their jobs. The rest of us are in it to eat and survive. Think about that shit the next time you see some trendy fuckwaffle on TEDTalk talking about how you should "follow your dreams" and "make your passion your job," because that bastard is part of the fucking 1% of entitled rich folk that can say that from atop their pedestal of wealth.

And that old Baby Boomer advice "hurr durr just walk on in!"

Shut the fuck up.

How out of touch can the last generation honestly be? It's not 1985, and the internet is not this hip, new thing. The world changed. 9/11 happened, everybody has a smartphone, and LinkedIn is required to even get looked at. It's not like you can just walk into some corporate office (because most are locked down now) to see if they are hiring, because the last thing the company wants is somebody mucking around who shouldn't be, and the last thing the boss wants is to hear some 20 or 30-something's ridiculously over practiced elevator pitch filled with business buzzwords they learned in business school, job hunting books and self help manuals, because honestly, everybody these days is a "team player," a "creative free thinker" "self-starter", and everyone will lie and say they are "dedicated to the company" and it's idiotic mission statement/value system, or whatever the fuck the company wants to pretend to be, or whats you to be.

And you know what the funniest part about elevator pitches was? My business school told me how important they are, that we should sit there and practice it every day in case we end up in the same coffee shop as Mark Zuckerburg or some astronomically improbable shit. They even had a contest for that crap, and everybody in the business school was made to stand around and listen to twenty or so of these poor saps spew garbage. What a colossal waste of fucking time and effort.

And career fairs? Ha! Good luck. It's slightly better, but there's hundreds or thousands of suits at any hiring events worth a fuck, all saying the same stupid business buzzword bullshit to try and stand out, everybody else is dropping resumes to the point where the recruiters will end up using it for toilet paper and scrap booking material for the next month, so unless you are willing to buy drinks for the company's career fair reps for the next week, your resume is probably going in the trash. Besides, they just tell you to apply online anyway. Fuck the freebies. Might was well go on Alibaba and save yourself the time. The only thing you should do at Career Fairs is network a bit, and get all the contact info for the recruiters so you can make the cover letter just for them.

So you go online and you start applying to jobs. And once you actually apply on the company's website, you have to type in the same fucking information over and over again. Not just your name, address, and SSN, but your work history for the last ten years, and references, and ways to contact references, and why you left each company (hope you weren't fired or quit, or you'll be doing some clever wording) so you better have all that shit in one place or it takes EVEN LONGER (PROTIP: Keypass). And sometimes, the system makes you upload a resume, and then doesn't even bother to pull any data from it. Are you fucking kidding me? I have to enter that shit in twice? Fucking horsehit lazy cocksuckers can't code for shit.

And if you want to even try to stand out, you have to write some dumb ass cover letter. And it can't be some cookie cutter bullshit. No. It HAS to be special, and it HAS to be original with some "research" that shows how "interested" you apparently are in this company, because apparently we should be dreaming night and day about working for your company, and following your Twitter handles and your Facebook feeds and your LinkedIn page, because the only way anybody would want to hire you is if you aligned with the mission statement (another worthless modernist business practice, the mission of all modern businesses is to generate income, not whatever idealist dribble they post on their website for PR reasons) of the company. Yep, that's the thing that makes somebody interested in you, a cover letter, not your one page resume that you spent hours slaving over, because a two page resume is a fucking mortal sin, and who the hell is going to read a 10 page CV filled with inane awards that honestly, you likely stumbled your way into achieving just by existing and being a normal person doing their job/ going to school? The average HR rep spends all of maybe seconds looking at your resume. Think about that. Again, it seems like bribery might work slightly better, but with all the gatekeepers standing between you and Trisha at HR, why even try? At the very least, this stupid trend seems to be dying. I don't even bother anymore. Does anybody even read Cover Letters?

And even if you are qualified and you are a perfect fit for the job, do you even know what the success rate hovers around?

Seven fucking percent.

That's right. The average person will get seven to ten callbacks for every one hundred ads they respond to. Not a job offer, not a scheduled interview, just a human being calling you back and saying they were interested for an interview. Don't believe me? Go ahead, head down to any bookstore and read The Job Hunter's Survival Guide, Tenth Edition by Richard Bolles, it's on pages 27-29. And mailing resumes or emailing people? What a joke. That's one in 1400. I remember my mother forcing me to do this. In 2015. Not one called me back. Big fucking surprise. To the business, it's fucking spam, so stop wasting money on paper, ink, toner, and stamps, because all you're doing is wasting the mailman's time and filling his bag with more shit. And the best part is not call backs for interviews, now we get preliminary phone interviews if we are lucky so they can see if you "align with the company" or some bullshit. And the other day, I saw something so stupid my brain exploded. You applied for the job and if they liked you you could come to their "exclusive hiring event". Not even a group interview. An event. What fucking malarkey is this shit? Is it so hard to call me back if you are interested?

Honestly, it's probably the same online anyway, because that's probably how many other assholes you're competing with who are filling out the same job application. And once a computer screens your resume and cover letter, a human might read your resume, for all of 10-20 seconds. You getting a call back is largely determined by an overworked human who is given an informational overload of resumes, and may be picking people at random. After all, do you want to read 200 resumes for one position? And the little hidden externality nobody will ever tell you about your job hunt? All that information (non-identifying, of course) you volunteered in the hopes of a job probably gets sold to telemarketing companies, ad agencies, and data miners who then call you until the end of time. And a lot of the people you apply too are screeners for other companies, who screen for their HR professionals, because they themselves are too inundated by the influx of desperate applicants. I still have recruiters calling me back for jobs I applied for TWO YEARS ago, asking if I'm interested in whatever charlatanesque opportunity they are peddling at that moment in time, usually contract work. And god help you if you stumble onto that garbage. Contract work is just another way to fuck you out of benefits that most people who live a normal existence need to survive without bankrupting themselves when they get sick.

And the most demoralizing part? It takes around twenty to thirty minutes to fill out an online job application properly. Assuming that "the job hunt is your full time job" and you work for minimum wage, you spend 2.41 to 3.60 in labor time filling out each application. It's a fucking joke. That means you end up spending as much as 50 dollars in time before you MIGHT get a call back, and about 360 to 240 dollars before you start seeing results (and go ahead and multiply that out by your old salary if you worked in a higher paying job, since your time is that valuable), but in practice it's even longer, because most people are lucky to fill out seven to ten of those miserable applications in a day. And god help you if you are unable to jump industries. Your odds are even less. I've seen people stick at the hunt for MONTHS with NOTHING.

And the funniest part? Most of the sites are the same Taelo, Insala, Jobvite, etc... garbage anyway. Frankly, I'm surprised somebody hasn't written a software package that takes a screen shot of the screen, uses OCR to determine the field in question, and then auto fills it for you. Because then you could send off that bullshit in a few minutes instead of sitting there wasting your time. Job hunters would probably even pay a hundred dollars for that shit. And don't give me that shitty Autofiill excuse. I want something that's faster than me having to actually click.