Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up,
it unlocks many cool features!
- 0
- 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000
- INDOXXI
- Support dengan like & share :)
- 1
- 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,260
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- 2
- 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,264
- Wanda Sykes!
- 3
- 00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:31,614
- Yes.
- 4
- 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,200
- Yes.
- 5
- 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:35,910
- Thank you.
- 6
- 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:38,663
- New York.
- 7
- 00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:41,916
- New York.
- 8
- 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,503
- Oh, my goodness.
- 9
- 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,380
- So...
- 10
- 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,759
- let me just start by saying...
- 11
- 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,720
- if you voted for Trump...
- 12
- 00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:00,018
- ...and you came to see me...
- 13
- 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:08,151
- Â
- 14
- 00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,578
- ...you fucked up again.
- 15
- 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:31,007
- This shit's not normal, y'all.
- 16
- 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,552
- It's not normal. Come on.
- 17
- 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,472
- The lying, the tweeting,
- 18
- 00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:39,557
- the playdates with dictators.
- 19
- 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:40,642
- Come on.
- 20
- 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,269
- This shit is not normal.
- 21
- 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,188
- It's not normal
- 22
- 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:49,067
- that I know
- that I'm smarter than the president.
- 23
- 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,576
- That's not normal.
- 24
- 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,287
- Come on. In the Mueller investigation,
- 25
- 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:06,167
- how does he not know
- that he's Individual Number One?
- 26
- 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,297
- Come on.
- 27
- 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,676
- Everybody who's been indicted
- or going to jail,
- 28
- 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:18,972
- Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort,
- 29
- 00:02:19,055 --> 00:02:21,141
- it all says in the Mueller report
- 30
- 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:26,146
- that they co-conspired
- with Individual Number One.
- 31
- 00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:30,108
- Motherfucker, that's you!
- 32
- 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,329
- All right. Now...
- 33
- 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:49,335
- if everybody
- you come in direct contact with...
- 34
- 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:51,129
- gets herpes...
- 35
- 00:02:57,385 --> 00:02:58,803
- ...wouldn't you be like...
- 36
- 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,438
- "Am I giving everybody herpes?"
- 37
- 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:13,776
- But no.
- 38
- 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,821
- President Trump tweets...
- 39
- 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:18,990
- "All clear."
- 40
- 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,370
- "Too bad for Individual Number One.
- 41
- 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,874
- Hashtag sad."
- 42
- 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,045
- No, motherfucker. You have herpes!
- 43
- 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,964
- You are patient zero.
- 44
- 00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:42,764
- Trump, he doesn't even look presidential.
- 45
- 00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:44,974
- He doesn't look presidential.
- 46
- 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:48,895
- It looks like he's doingÂ
- an impersonation of a president.
- 47
- 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,690
- He doesn't know what to do with his hands.
- 48
- 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,817
- Even the way he stands there,
- he's just like...
- 49
- 00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:20,176
- He looks like those things that you put
- out in front of the car wash. You know...
- 50
- 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,858
- Shit's not normal, y'all. It's not normal.
- 51
- 00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,820
- Here's another thing that's not normal.
- 52
- 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:43,491
- Presidents, they all age
- while in office, right?
- 53
- 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,119
- They age while in office,
- 54
- 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:51,416
- because the job is so fucking stressful
- that it affects you physically.
- 55
- 00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,376
- We've seen it. Obama...
- 56
- 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:56,838
- First two years,
- President Obama went totally gray.
- 57
- 00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:58,798
- His face started drooping.
- 58
- 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,675
- He got all droopy in the face.
- 59
- 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:04,595
- One time, I was like, "Is that
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Who the fuck..."
- 60
- 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:12,687
- "Is that what...
- Misha, is that Kareem? What the hell?"
- 61
- 00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:18,860
- George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches.
- 62
- 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,450
- At one point, he was looking like Gollum
- from The Lord of the Rings.
- 63
- 00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:28,578
- "Ah, my precious!
- 64
- 00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:31,706
- My precious!"
- 65
- 00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:36,127
- Bill Clinton.
- 66
- 00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:39,172
- He grew that bulb on the tip of his nose.
- 67
- 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:40,757
- What the fuck was that?
- 68
- 00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:47,930
- Bill Clinton looked like the man
- on the Operation board.
- 69
- 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:03,404
- But not Trump. Nope. Mm-mm.
- He's on executive time.
- 70
- 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:06,699
- Trump hasn't aged.
- 71
- 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,159
- But we have.
- 72
- 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,962
- He is fucking us up.
- 73
- 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,173
- Everybody's looking older.
- 74
- 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:26,177
- My God. I was in my car,
- I saw a billboard.
- 75
- 00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:27,470
- "Cher, Vegas."
- 76
- 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:31,307
- I was like, "Oh, shit,
- that's on my bucket list. I'm going."
- 77
- 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,352
- I get to the stop light, I look back up,
- I was like...
- 78
- 00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:38,147
- "Oh, damn, that's Ariana Grande.
- What the hell?"
- 79
- 00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:45,780
- He's fucking us up.
- 80
- 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,618
- You know how they say
- some women have resting bitch face?
- 81
- 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,831
- Well, Trump has given me
- resting "what the fuck?" face.
- 82
- 00:06:56,582 --> 00:07:00,545
- Every morning, I'm looking in the mirror
- like, "What the fuck? What..."
- 83
- 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,964
- I got crow's feet.
- 84
- 00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:05,758
- I got a fucking divot in my forehead.
- 85
- 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,178
- He has cracked black.
- 86
- 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,228
- That's...
- 87
- 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:19,230
- That's damn near impossible.
- 88
- 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,234
- I was like, "We got to get rid of him.
- 89
- 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,903
- Two more years,
- I'mma to look like Cicely Tyson."
- 90
- 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,789
- She look good, but I ain't ready.
- 91
- 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,208
- I ain't ready to go there.
- 92
- 00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:48,634
- If someone offered me a deal tonight
- and said, "Wanda, here's your deal.
- 93
- 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,595
- You keep Trump for two more years...
- 94
- 00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:52,930
- or we'll switch him out tonight
- 95
- 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,766
- with R&B singer Bobby Brown..."
- 96
- 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,898
- Without batting an eye,
- I'm taking Bobby Brown.
- 97
- 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,612
- I'm taking Bobby Brown.
- 98
- 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:10,031
- Bobby Brown is a proven talent.
- 99
- 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,783
- We know what he can do. Right?
- 100
- 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:14,494
- Trump, uh-uh.
- 101
- 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:17,580
- We respect Bobby Brown.
- Nobody respects Trump.
- 102
- 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,457
- You know how I know
- they don't respect him?
- 103
- 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:23,503
- Because they let him
- walk up on Air Force One
- 104
- 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,464
- with toilet paper on the back of his shoe.
- 105
- 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:40,978
- You would stop a stranger
- to get toilet paper off their shoe.
- 106
- 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:50,780
- I've been in airports and, like,
- tracked people down for ten gates...
- 107
- 00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:51,906
- like, oh...
- 108
- 00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:58,454
- ...to get this toilet paper off your shoe.
- 109
- 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:06,921
- I bet you there's been murderers
- on their way to the electric chair...
- 110
- 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:11,926
- passing the guards
- with toilet paper on their shoes...
- 111
- 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,135
- and the guards are like,
- 112
- 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,472
- "Yeah, you motherfucker,
- you deserve all of this. I hope...
- 113
- 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,976
- Oh, hold up, man, hold on.
- Let me get this off your shoe."
- 114
- 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,274
- "Can't let you go out like that."
- 115
- 00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,237
- "It's embarrassing, man."
- 116
- 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,785
- Trump passed Marine guards...
- 117
- 00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:40,580
- on his way.
- 118
- 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:41,831
- Marine guards.
- 119
- 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,041
- These people see everything.
- 120
- 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,836
- They areÂ
- the sharpest motherfuckers on the planet.
- 121
- 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:49,297
- But they let him ascend...
- 122
- 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,637
- ...up to Air Force One,
- 123
- 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,807
- the plane that represents America...
- 124
- 00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,894
- with toilet paper on the back of his shoe.
- 125
- 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:15,573
- And they just stood there.
- 126
- 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,620
- "You see that?"
- "Yeah, I see it. I see it."
- 127
- 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,166
- "I think it's a good look for him."
- 128
- 00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,256
- And he's always on Air Force One.
- 129
- 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,591
- Never in the White House.
- 130
- 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:36,677
- Always running off,
- Mar-a-Lago or somewhere,
- 131
- 00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:38,387
- costing us all kind of money.
- 132
- 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:42,099
- Hey, I was like, "We should just
- put the White House on Airbnb."
- 133
- 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,648
- "Maybe we'll get somebody good in there."
- 134
- 00:10:57,114 --> 00:10:59,450
- His whole family is costing us money.
- 135
- 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:03,704
- Yeah. Did you know
- that we pay for a Secret Service detail
- 136
- 00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,081
- for Tiffany Trump?
- 137
- 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:10,169
- Exactly. Who the fuck is Tiffany Trump?
- 138
- 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,092
- Nobody's gonna mess with Tiffany Trump.
- 139
- 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,470
- She ain't on our radar.
- 140
- 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,306
- Shit, she ain't even on Trump's radar.
- 141
- 00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:26,268
- We don't give a shit about Tiffany Trump.
- 142
- 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,438
- Don't wanna be paying
- for Secret Service.Â
- 143
- 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,817
- All she needs is a mall cop on a Segway.
- 144
- 00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:35,611
- Just this motherfucker.
- 145
- 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,256
- "Oh, not the stairs, Tiff,
- not the stairs."
- 146
- 00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:01,095
- Shit's not normal.
- 147
- 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:06,976
- The president is in litigation
- with porn stars.
- 148
- 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:11,355
- With porn stars!
- Come on, that shit's not normal.
- 149
- 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,356
- What the fuck?
- 150
- 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,943
- And everybody's like, "Well, you know,
- that's just what we doing now."
- 151
- 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:20,322
- Really? We're putting up
- with this bullshit?
- 152
- 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:25,327
- We were outraged when President Obama
- wore a tan suit to work.
- 153
- 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,834
- That was the bar back then.
- 154
- 00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:36,672
- "Oh, how dare he come to the Oval Office
- so casual, in a tan suit?"
- 155
- 00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,051
- People were disgusted
- 156
- 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:46,307
- because one of the greatest first ladies
- we've ever had, Michelle Obama...
- 157
- 00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:52,938
- ...she went sleeveless.
- 158
- 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:56,567
- "Oh. Oh, how unbecoming of the first lady
- 159
- 00:12:56,650 --> 00:13:00,070
- to wear no sleeves, to show her arms."
- 160
- 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,113
- Really?
- 161
- 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,992
- You gave Michelle Obama shit
- for that. Really?
- 162
- 00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:07,870
- You can GoogleÂ
- Melania's titties right now.
- 163
- 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:11,999
- Yeah.
- 164
- 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,417
- I did it.
- 165
- 00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:24,470
- I bet you the Obamas
- must be beside themselves.
- 166
- 00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:27,223
- They must be.
- They must be beside themselves. I can't...
- 167
- 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,768
- Could you imagine, like, all that shit
- that they went through for eight years
- 168
- 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:34,104
- and they're watching all this bullshit
- just go
- 169
- 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,440
- and everybodyÂ
- just turns their heads toward it?
- 170
- 00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,399
- I mean, what the fuck?
- 171
- 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:40,820
- I bet you they're in bed,
- watching the 11 o'clock news
- 172
- 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,447
- and Michelle looks over at Barack
- and is like...
- 173
- 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,077
- "Nigga."
- 174
- 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,378
- "Porn stars? Really?
- 175
- 00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,381
- We gonna to talk
- about the porn star now."
- 176
- 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,596
- She didn't put that in the book.
- 177
- 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,438
- But I was confused.
- I was confused by the whole situation.
- 178
- 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:17,857
- The whole porn star thing.
- 179
- 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:21,694
- Because first of all, I was like,
- "Who is admitting that they fucked Trump?"
- 180
- 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,488
- That's what I need to know.
- Who's going to admit that?
- 181
- 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:29,118
- And then all of the hush money thing.
- 182
- 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:32,371
- I said, "Okay, wait a minute.
- Okay, hush money was exchanged."
- 183
- 00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:35,291
- And then when I saw Stormy Daniels,
- I was like, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- 184
- 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,459
- You mean to tell me he paid her?"
- 185
- 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,962
- I thought she paid him
- to shut the fuck up.
- 186
- 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,173
- 'Cause that made sense to me.
- 187
- 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,261
- If I fucked Trump, he came to me and said,
- 188
- 00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:49,722
- "Okay, I'm going to give you, um...
- 189
- 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:54,518
- 130,000 not to say anything,"
- 190
- 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:57,146
- I'd be like,
- "Bitch, I was about to give you 250."
- 191
- 00:14:58,814 --> 00:14:59,982
- Shit.
- 192
- 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:11,577
- If I ever fucked Trump, I'm telling you,
- I'm taking that to the grave.
- 193
- 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,832
- That's going to the grave and beyond.
- 194
- 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:23,464
- I'd be walking around Heaven,
- I'd look Jesus right in the eye...
- 195
- 00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,257
- "Huh?"
- 196
- 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:28,761
- "What?
- 197
- 00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:31,680
- Me?
- 198
- 00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:35,935
- Wasn't me, Jesus."
- 199
- 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:44,318
- "You must have turned
- too much water into wine that day."
- 200
- 00:15:58,207 --> 00:15:59,750
- But you know what?
- 201
- 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:03,545
- I believe
- that everything happens for a reason.
- 202
- 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,756
- Everything happens for a reason.
- 203
- 00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:08,592
- Because of Trump being president...
- 204
- 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:13,973
- we sent more women
- to Congress than ever before.
- 205
- 00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:22,940
- That's because of Trump. Thank you, Trump.
- 206
- 00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,117
- All kinds of women.
- 207
- 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:38,122
- African-American, Native American,
- Asian-American, Muslims. Yes.
- 208
- 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,293
- It's funny looking at Congress now.
- 209
- 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,588
- All those beautiful women in there
- and all those old white guys.
- 210
- 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,092
- It looks like the cast of Cocoon...
- 211
- 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:57,141
- ...meets the cast of
- any Shonda Rhimes show.
- 212
- 00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,566
- We are gonna be all right.
- We gonna be all right.
- 213
- 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,527
- We're just in a fight right now.
- We're just in a fight.
- 214
- 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:12,072
- And when you're in a fight, big thing,
- you got to stay consistent.
- 215
- 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,241
- You got to stay consistent, ladies.
- 216
- 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,868
- Especially us. That's right.
- 217
- 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:17,703
- So, you know...
- 218
- 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:21,123
- You can't be out there
- at the Women's March,
- 219
- 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:23,292
- "Fuck Harvey, yeah!
- 220
- 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:26,045
- Equal pay!
- Yeah, we got to get equal pay!"
- 221
- 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:29,131
- and then be like, "Ooh, girl, I gotÂ
- to get home and watch The Bachelor."
- 222
- 00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:34,219
- No.
- 223
- 00:17:38,682 --> 00:17:41,643
- The Bachelor cannot coexist
- 224
- 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,021
- with Time's Up, Me Too.
- 225
- 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,607
- You can't have it. No.
- 226
- 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,488
- The only time you hear, "Me too,"
- on The Bachelor
- 227
- 00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,532
- is if somebody says, "I have chlamydia."
- 228
- 00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,669
- Got to let The Bachelor go.
- 229
- 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:11,548
- I know some of you are like, "Well, Wanda,
- it's just entertainment. It's a TV show."
- 230
- 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:15,803
- Yeah, I know. But it promotes bad behavior
- and it makes women look stupid.
- 231
- 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,387
- It's got to go.
- 232
- 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:26,313
- It's got all these women, you know,
- all these women gathered,
- 233
- 00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:29,399
- trying to all vie
- for this one little shitty dude.
- 234
- 00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:35,197
- And he's actively dating all of them
- right in front of your face.
- 235
- 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,574
- And you know
- he's sleeping with all of 'em.
- 236
- 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,160
- And the women just standing around like...
- 237
- 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:41,829
- "When is he gonna fuck me?"
- 238
- 00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,416
- "When do I get my one-on-one?"
- 239
- 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,796
- I have more respect for strippers
- 240
- 00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,798
- than I do for women
- who go on The Bachelor.
- 241
- 00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,347
- I do. What the hell?
- 242
- 00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,642
- And then they try to make it
- like it's some fairy tale.
- 243
- 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:06,061
- You know. With the rose ceremony.
- 244
- 00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:10,065
- Oh, if he wants you to stay,
- he'll give you a rose.
- 245
- 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,401
- I say bullshit.
- 246
- 00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,363
- I want them to show it for what it is.
- 247
- 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:20,033
- Instead of the rose ceremony,
- I want them to line all the women up...
- 248
- 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,828
- and if he wants you to stay,
- 249
- 00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,788
- he will tap you on your forehead.
- 250
- 00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,087
- With his dick.
- 251
- 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,502
- "Oh, yes! Yes!
- 252
- 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,006
- I'm staying! I'm staying, yeah!"
- 253
- 00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:28,977
- You know, y'all,
- I really thought I knew my country.
- 254
- 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,562
- I was like, "I really..."
- 255
- 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,440
- I was like, "I know America.
- I know who we are."
- 256
- 00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,442
- Right? I really thought that.
- 257
- 00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:37,778
- But nope. It fooled me.
- 258
- 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,407
- When it was confirmed
- that Russia indeed attacked us...
- 259
- 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:46,119
- They... They interfered with our election.
- 260
- 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,081
- - That's right.
- - I said, "Oh, shit, here we go.
- 261
- 00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:52,793
- Here comes the America I know and love.
- Here we go."
- 262
- 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,544
- 'Cause this is what we do.
- 263
- 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:59,299
- When we are attacked,
- we stop the bullshit and we unite.
- 264
- 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,260
- That's what we're supposed to do, right?
- 265
- 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:08,517
- It's like when Cardi B
- is beefing with Nicki Minaj...
- 266
- 00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:11,895
- ...and then Taylor Swift pops off.
- 267
- 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:18,318
- Cardi B and Nicki are like, "Okay, Nicki,
- we're gonna put this on pause, right?
- 268
- 00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:20,821
- And let's go drag that ho."
- 269
- 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:25,742
- "Okurrr."
- 270
- 00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,130
- But we didn't do that.
- 271
- 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:39,840
- I was waiting for it.
- 272
- 00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:42,676
- I was like, "Oh, shit,
- here come the crazy. Here we go."
- 273
- 00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:43,593
- I thought for sure...
- 274
- 00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:46,847
- I was like, "Uh-oh, there ain't gonna be
- no more Russian salad dressing."
- 275
- 00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:58,108
- "We gonna to start
- booing Russian hockey players."
- 276
- 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,821
- I was like, "Oh, boy. Uber's gonna be
- missing a whole lot of drivers."
- 277
- 00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:08,785
- But no, none of that happened.
- 278
- 00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,121
- I'm like, "Y'all, Russia attacked us."
- 279
- 00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:14,458
- And everybody's like,
- "Yeah, but have you had a Moscow Mule?
- 280
- 00:22:14,541 --> 00:22:15,959
- They are delicious."
- 281
- 00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:22,716
- It's like...Â
- It's like we've forgotten history.
- 282
- 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,135
- Russia hates us.
- 283
- 00:22:25,218 --> 00:22:27,804
- We broke up the Soviet Union.
- 284
- 00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:31,683
- We broke up the Soviet Union.
- 285
- 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:34,353
- We gave them Boris Yeltsin.
- 286
- 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:40,025
- Boris Yeltsin was a drunk. He was a big
- embarrassment as a president for them.
- 287
- 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:41,943
- But it makes sense now.
- 288
- 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,779
- We gave them Boris Yeltsin.
- 289
- 00:22:43,862 --> 00:22:45,572
- They paid us back with Trump.
- 290
- 00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:56,249
- Forget that.
- We forget all about that shit.
- 291
- 00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:58,085
- And Russia, they sneaky.
- 292
- 00:22:58,168 --> 00:23:00,212
- Them some sneaky motherfuckers.
- 293
- 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:03,173
- Who else would think
- of those little stacking dolls?
- 294
- 00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:04,299
- What the fuck is that?
- 295
- 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,803
- All those damn nesting dolls.
- That's some sneaky shit.
- 296
- 00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,889
- "Oh, here's another one." "Open it again."
- 297
- 00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:15,560
- "It's another one! And another one!
- 298
- 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:16,895
- And another one!
- 299
- 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,314
- Okay, this is the last one, right?
- 300
- 00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,651
- God damn, there's another one!"
- 301
- 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:24,361
- "Y'all are some sneaky motherfuckers.
- 302
- 00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,196
- God damn! There's another one!
- 303
- 00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,783
- Wait, this is the last one?
- This the last one? Wait a minute.
- 304
- 00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,244
- Ooh, is this the pee-pee tapes?"
- 305
- 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:38,458
- Sneaky.
- 306
- 00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,045
- But Russia, they knew.
- They knew how to attack us.
- 307
- 00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:43,880
- They know our weakness.
- 308
- 00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:46,425
- Race. Yes.
- 309
- 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:49,428
- That's our Achilles' heel. Race.
- 310
- 00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,221
- That's it.
- 311
- 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:55,183
- So they brought out Trump
- to rally the racists.
- 312
- 00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:57,436
- Exactly what they did.
- 313
- 00:23:57,519 --> 00:24:00,313
- That fucking wall... That wall is racist.
- 314
- 00:24:00,397 --> 00:24:01,690
- That wall is...
- 315
- 00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:03,817
- It ain't about protecting your borders.
- 316
- 00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,652
- It ain't about protecting our borders.
- 317
- 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:13,577
- He'll tell you, "Oh, well, we want theÂ
- wall 'cause it keeps out all the gangs
- 318
- 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:16,371
- and the... and the opioid crisis."
- 319
- 00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:20,208
- Yeah. That's a message to white people.
- 320
- 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:22,127
- That's for white people.
- 321
- 00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:23,712
- Opioid crisis.
- 322
- 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:28,008
- Because of racism, black people,
- we don't even get our hands on opioids.
- 323
- 00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,220
- They don't even give 'em to us.
- 324
- 00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:36,308
- White people get opioids
- like they're Tic Tacs.
- 325
- 00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:42,856
- It amazes me how many opioids
- you motherfuckers have.
- 326
- 00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,736
- I'm at work, I'm sitting in a writers'
- room with a bunch of white people, right?
- 327
- 00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:49,321
- And I'm like, "Damn, I got a headache."
- 328
- 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:54,618
- White people start pulling out
- all kind of pills and shit.
- 329
- 00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:58,371
- Just fucking loose pills in Ziploc bags.
- 330
- 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:04,503
- "Would you like an oxycodone?
- I got oxycodone."
- 331
- 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,881
- "No, she should take a Percocet.
- She should take a Percocet."
- 332
- 00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:11,510
- Oh, other girl over there
- preparing a needle.
- 333
- 00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:12,802
- "Give me your arm."
- 334
- 00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:21,144
- What the fuck?
- 335
- 00:25:21,811 --> 00:25:24,189
- White people get the opioids.
- 336
- 00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:27,484
- There was a study... It's racism.
- 337
- 00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,903
- There was a study
- and it showed that doctors,
- 338
- 00:25:29,986 --> 00:25:32,781
- they actually prescribe opioids...
- 339
- 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,200
- frequently to white people
- than they do to blacks.
- 340
- 00:25:35,283 --> 00:25:36,701
- They don't give us opioids.
- 341
- 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,078
- Because they are sympathetic.
- 342
- 00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,540
- They're like, "Oh, this white person,
- they're in such pain.
- 343
- 00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,168
- I hate to see white people hurting."
- 344
- 00:25:48,129 --> 00:25:50,257
- "They can't handle this pain. Let me...
- 345
- 00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,885
- Here, let me give you this.
- Let me give you these opioids.
- 346
- 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:55,971
- Get that pain away."
- 347
- 00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,519
- They don't give us the opioids.
- 348
- 00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:04,729
- They're like,Â
- "Ah, you can take it. Walk it off."
- 349
- 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:11,027
- I had a double mastectomy.
- 350
- 00:26:11,945 --> 00:26:14,531
- You know
- what they sent my black ass home with?
- 351
- 00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:18,285
- Ibu-fucking-profen.
- 352
- 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:33,842
- Shit, to get some opioids,
- 353
- 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,803
- a black person will have to show up
- in the emergency room
- 354
- 00:26:36,886 --> 00:26:39,598
- holding they own head
- detached from the body.
- 355
- 00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,933
- "Uh... uh...
- 356
- 00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:45,687
- Excuse me. Can I get some help out here?
- 357
- 00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:49,441
- My body's still in the car, but, uh..."
- 358
- 00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,491
- Got to...
- 359
- 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:02,370
- Got to treat opioid addicts. You do.
- Got to treat them.
- 360
- 00:27:02,871 --> 00:27:05,165
- We weren't trying to treat crackheads,
- were we?
- 361
- 00:27:05,248 --> 00:27:10,420
- No, we were capturing crackheads, lockingÂ
- up crackheads. Weren't treating them.
- 362
- 00:27:10,503 --> 00:27:14,841
- You didn't see anybody busting down
- the door of a crack house, boom,
- 363
- 00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:17,927
- "Okay, where's the crackheads?
- I need to check your blood pressure."
- 364
- 00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:25,435
- "Let's all sit in a little crack circle
- and talk about our feelings."
- 365
- 00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:31,816
- "Let's get to the root of this.
- 366
- 00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:34,861
- Pookie, would you like to start first?"
- 367
- 00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:43,953
- Racism. We got to deal with it.
- 368
- 00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:48,958
- It is going to be the demise of our
- country if we don't fucking deal with it.
- 369
- 00:27:54,881 --> 00:27:56,508
- Look, I'm from Virginia, right?
- 370
- 00:27:57,092 --> 00:27:59,511
- And whenever I go home...
- 371
- 00:27:59,594 --> 00:28:00,679
- Wait a minute.
- 372
- 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,279
- Off of 95...
- 373
- 00:28:18,947 --> 00:28:24,035
- right outside Chester, Virginia,
- there is a big, giant Confederate flag.
- 374
- 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,287
- Big Confederate flag.
- 375
- 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:31,543
- Every time I go home and I pass that flag,
- it hurts me to my core.
- 376
- 00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:33,253
- It fucking hurts.
- 377
- 00:28:33,336 --> 00:28:37,173
- 'Cause it's racist.
- It's racist and it's wrong.
- 378
- 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:44,180
- And I'm sick of this bullshit
- 379
- 00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:47,058
- of, "Well, that's part
- of my Southern heritage."
- 380
- 00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:50,979
- Well, your heritage is shitty.
- It's garbage.
- 381
- 00:28:51,062 --> 00:28:54,065
- Your heritage is trash.
- 382
- 00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:04,117
- The atrocities that happened under
- that flag, are you proud of that shit?
- 383
- 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:05,660
- - Yeah.
- - What the fuck?
- 384
- 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:09,664
- There are so many other things
- about the South that you can be proud of.
- 385
- 00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,666
- Right? Moonshine.
- 386
- 00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:19,507
- Dollywood. Come on.
- 387
- 00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,678
- You got to love
- Dolly Parton and Dollywood.
- 388
- 00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,764
- Clay Aiken. Come on.
- 389
- 00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:30,727
- Why don't you tear down those statues
- 390
- 00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:34,272
- and put up a statue of Clay Aiken
- drinking moonshine,
- 391
- 00:29:34,355 --> 00:29:36,232
- wearing a Dollywood t-shirt?
- 392
- 00:29:43,072 --> 00:29:46,534
- Race means a lot. It does.
- I think about it a lot,
- 393
- 00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:49,120
- just because of the makeup of my family.
- 394
- 00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:54,125
- Look, I'm married to a white French woman
- and we have two white kids.
- 395
- 00:29:54,209 --> 00:29:55,835
- - Woo!
- - Yeah.
- 396
- 00:29:58,254 --> 00:30:01,341
- And now white supremacy is on the rise.
- 397
- 00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:04,886
- And I'm living
- with a house full of white people.
- 398
- 00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,522
- I took them to DC over Thanksgiving break.
- 399
- 00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:18,149
- I took them to DC
- and we went to the museum,
- 400
- 00:30:18,233 --> 00:30:21,402
- the National Museum of African-American
- History and Culture. Yeah.
- 401
- 00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,072
- Oh, beautiful museum.
- 402
- 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:27,784
- I'm telling you, you got to go.
- If you're in DC go to this museum.
- 403
- 00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:29,494
- Seriously. Yeah.
- 404
- 00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:33,581
- I see the white people are like...
- 405
- 00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:49,097
- "It's gonna make me sad."
- 406
- 00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:58,565
- "I don't want to be sad. Oh."
- 407
- 00:31:00,775 --> 00:31:02,277
- It made me proud.
- 408
- 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,863
- It made me proud. Yeah.
- 409
- 00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:09,117
- It just reaffirmed what I always knew.
- 410
- 00:31:09,450 --> 00:31:11,411
- I was like, "I can do anything."
- 411
- 00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:13,580
- I can do anything.
- 412
- 00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:18,084
- To come from
- people who survived all that shit
- 413
- 00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:20,378
- and we still here and kicking it,
- 414
- 00:31:20,461 --> 00:31:22,630
- I'm like, "Pff, I can do anything."
- 415
- 00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:24,799
- Yeah. I can...
- 416
- 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,301
- I can do anything.
- 417
- 00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,472
- I know this.
- 418
- 00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:34,517
- And that's why you don't see
- a lot of black folks
- 419
- 00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:38,605
- on, like, those survival-type
- reality shows.
- 420
- 00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:42,358
- We don't need to fuck around like that.
- 421
- 00:31:44,277 --> 00:31:48,114
- Man Vs. Wild, Doomsday Preppers.
- 422
- 00:31:48,197 --> 00:31:49,365
- No, thank you.
- 423
- 00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:52,160
- We leave that for y'all.
- 424
- 00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:58,499
- Black folks can get the same exhilaration
- just by driving around on expired tags.
- 425
- 00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:11,346
- But one of my favorite ones to watch
- is Naked and Afraid. That's the best one.
- 426
- 00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:16,851
- If you haven't seen Naked and Afraid,
- treat yo self.
- 427
- 00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:20,688
- They take a man and a woman
- 428
- 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:25,985
- and they drop them off on someÂ
- uninhabitable island or, you know, desert
- 429
- 00:32:26,069 --> 00:32:28,154
- or Florida and, uh...
- 430
- 00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:38,539
- You know, like the Everglades.
- You know, the swamps. Yeah.
- 431
- 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:40,124
- They drop them off in there.
- 432
- 00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:44,629
- They got to get butt naked
- and they have to survive for 21 days.
- 433
- 00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:46,172
- And they get to bring one item.
- 434
- 00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:51,552
- Usually, the guy shows up with some crazy
- knife or custom-made ax or something.
- 435
- 00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:56,975
- And the woman, she shows up with, like,
- fishing nets or maybe a fire starter.
- 436
- 00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,643
- But there was this one episode,
- 437
- 00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,979
- this guy showed up with his ax
- 438
- 00:33:01,062 --> 00:33:05,066
- and this woman showed up
- with a fucking magnifying glass.
- 439
- 00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:09,195
- The look on his face said it all. Like...
- 440
- 00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,452
- "Magnifying glass? Like...
- 441
- 00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:20,206
- Bitch, what you think? We out here
- solving crimes? What the hell?"
- 442
- 00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:26,087
- I love that show.
- 443
- 00:33:26,879 --> 00:33:29,132
- There was an episode that stood out,
- 444
- 00:33:29,215 --> 00:33:31,551
- because it was a black guy on the show.
- 445
- 00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:33,428
- Yeah. This black guy...
- 446
- 00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:36,889
- he's paired up with this nice little
- white lady from North Dakota, right?
- 447
- 00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,767
- They drop 'em off on this island...
- 448
- 00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:41,019
- and they were...
- 449
- 00:33:41,102 --> 00:33:44,147
- Things were going great, right?
- So after, like, day three...
- 450
- 00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:48,735
- the white lady's like,
- "Oh, Ronald, he's a good team player
- 451
- 00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:53,156
- and, uh, man, like, the bugs andÂ
- everything, just nothing is bothering him.
- 452
- 00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:56,409
- Nothing is affecting him out here,
- so I think we're gonna be good.
- 453
- 00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:59,495
- He keeps to himself,
- but I think we're gonna be okay."
- 454
- 00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,456
- Two days later,
- 455
- 00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:05,293
- you find out that Ronald is homeless.
- 456
- 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,671
- Yeah.
- 457
- 00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:14,594
- These assholes booked a homeless man
- to go on Naked and Afraid.
- 458
- 00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,932
- So no wonder nothing was affecting him.
- 459
- 00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:24,187
- He got on that island,
- he thought he was at Sandals.
- 460
- 00:34:24,270 --> 00:34:26,397
- He was like, "Oh, shit.
- 461
- 00:34:27,106 --> 00:34:28,399
- Yeah.
- 462
- 00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:32,862
- I can do this.
- 463
- 00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:35,031
- This is nice."
- 464
- 00:34:39,535 --> 00:34:42,288
- That lady went home. She tapped out.
- 465
- 00:34:42,371 --> 00:34:44,207
- She was like, "I quit. I'm going home."
- 466
- 00:34:44,290 --> 00:34:46,417
- She was like, "I don't think
- he's ever gonna leave."
- 467
- 00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:56,552
- They booked a homeless man
- to go on Naked and Afraid.
- 468
- 00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:02,058
- That tells me that there was
- no black people in the room.
- 469
- 00:35:03,184 --> 00:35:06,229
- When they made that decision,
- a black person was not present,
- 470
- 00:35:06,312 --> 00:35:08,648
- 'cause they'd have been like this,
- "Wait a minute, you booking a black...
- 471
- 00:35:08,731 --> 00:35:10,483
- Are you out of your damn mind?"
- 472
- 00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:12,026
- That's fucked up.
- 473
- 00:35:12,485 --> 00:35:13,402
- Yeah.
- 474
- 00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:16,697
- You need a black friend.
- 475
- 00:35:17,824 --> 00:35:20,785
- You need a black friend.
- 476
- 00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:23,204
- It's 2019.
- 477
- 00:35:24,413 --> 00:35:26,207
- If you don't have a black friend...
- 478
- 00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:28,126
- you're the problem.
- 479
- 00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:39,637
- But if you don't have one, I understand.
- I understand.
- 480
- 00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:41,389
- It's scary.
- 481
- 00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:46,602
- It is.
- 482
- 00:35:47,019 --> 00:35:49,605
- Because of how
- we've been portrayed. Right?
- 483
- 00:35:50,857 --> 00:35:55,403
- Black people have always been portrayed
- as sinister, menacing, a threat.
- 484
- 00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:57,029
- Yeah.
- 485
- 00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,241
- I don't know if you've heard
- about this story in Chicago.
- 486
- 00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,869
- A black security guard, right,
- at a club...
- 487
- 00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:04,412
- There was a shooting.
- 488
- 00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:07,290
- The black security guard
- apprehended the shooter.
- 489
- 00:36:07,748 --> 00:36:11,335
- The cops show up,
- shoot the black security guard.
- 490
- 00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:14,881
- Yeah.
- 'Cause all they saw was a black man.
- 491
- 00:36:16,090 --> 00:36:17,758
- Why can't we be the good guy?
- 492
- 00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:19,760
- - Right.
- - Yes!
- 493
- 00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,978
- Black people, we need a better publicist.
- 494
- 00:36:30,813 --> 00:36:33,316
- No, fuck that. We need a publicist.
- 495
- 00:36:35,151 --> 00:36:37,445
- I want the publicist
- that the white guys use.
- 496
- 00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:39,822
- That publicist kicks ass.
- 497
- 00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:42,617
- That publicist is the best.
- 498
- 00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,577
- 'Cause they know how to spin it.
- 499
- 00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:48,331
- Even when white guys fuck up,
- they can spin it...
- 500
- 00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:51,459
- in a way you won't think,
- "Oh, all white guys are fucked up."
- 501
- 00:36:51,542 --> 00:36:54,253
- No. 'Cause they make them individuals.
- 502
- 00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:58,132
- You know,
- crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater,
- 503
- 00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:00,218
- they give you his backstory.
- 504
- 00:37:00,301 --> 00:37:02,845
- Right? They tell you
- where he went to school.
- 505
- 00:37:02,929 --> 00:37:04,597
- "Oh, he was a loner."
- 506
- 00:37:05,139 --> 00:37:08,351
- They put a picture up in the news of him
- that's so sympathetic.
- 507
- 00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:11,062
- I'm watching news, I'm like, "Oh, man..."
- 508
- 00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:13,105
- "He shoulda called me."
- 509
- 00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:21,697
- We need a better publicist.
- 510
- 00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:26,494
- Yeah, I want a campaign.
- A campaign for black people. Right?
- 511
- 00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:30,122
- How about, like, some billboards
- all across the country
- 512
- 00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:35,670
- of black people just doing
- fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit?
- 513
- 00:37:38,547 --> 00:37:40,383
- Just black people just, like, bowling.
- 514
- 00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:53,980
- How about some slogans?
- You know, like "Toys for Tots."
- 515
- 00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:56,732
- How about a good slogan for black people?
- 516
- 00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:59,068
- "Hey, let's get black to business."
- 517
- 00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,200
- I like that.
- 518
- 00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,705
- Or, maybe, you know,
- something environmental,
- 519
- 00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:16,043
- like show black people just taking out
- the recycling can, you know, like...
- 520
- 00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:22,091
- "We're black, but we're green."
- 521
- 00:38:32,852 --> 00:38:34,603
- You need a black friend.
- 522
- 00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:37,732
- Get a black friend,Â
- you'll learn some shit.
- 523
- 00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:41,319
- Like, here's an easy one.
- You should know this one.
- 524
- 00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:45,281
- Never touch a black woman's hair.
- 525
- 00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:46,782
- Yes.
- 526
- 00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:47,908
- Never...
- 527
- 00:38:48,409 --> 00:38:51,329
- touch a black woman's hair.
- 528
- 00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:55,499
- I don't give a fuck if she hasÂ
- a tarantula sitting on her head. You...
- 529
- 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:57,752
- Let it bite her.
- 530
- 00:39:08,512 --> 00:39:11,223
- Here's another one.
- Here's another one I'll give y'all.
- 531
- 00:39:12,725 --> 00:39:14,685
- White people, you go and you get a tan.
- 532
- 00:39:15,227 --> 00:39:17,688
- You get a nice tan, you been on vacation.
- 533
- 00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:22,401
- Do not go back to your job
- and go up to your black coworker...
- 534
- 00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:24,987
- "Hey, Denise."
- 535
- 00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,744
- "I'm almost there."
- 536
- 00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:36,332
- "Hey, girlfriend, I'm almost there."
- 537
- 00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:40,378
- We hate that shit.
- 538
- 00:39:42,296 --> 00:39:46,092
- And we secretly wish bad black shit
- happens to you when you do it.
- 539
- 00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:50,304
- "I'm almost there." Mm-hmm.
- 540
- 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:52,014
- "I hope you get sickle cell."
- 541
- 00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,069
- I know some of y'all are like,
- "Well, Wanda, what about black people
- 542
- 00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:06,862
- who don't have white friends?"
- 543
- 00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,073
- I'm okay with that.
- 544
- 00:40:15,830 --> 00:40:17,790
- A lot of trust has been broken.
- 545
- 00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:23,462
- But I do encourage them. I do.
- 546
- 00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:26,715
- I say, "Come on, guys,
- let's break this up. Come on.
- 547
- 00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:28,968
- Spread out. Open it up a little bit."
- 548
- 00:40:29,468 --> 00:40:31,429
- You know, I tell them, "Ease into it.
- 549
- 00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:33,180
- Start off with a Puerto Rican."
- 550
- 00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:43,941
- "They're cool. Come on."
- 551
- 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,244
- Look, I'm learning a lot.
- 552
- 00:40:55,327 --> 00:40:58,372
- I'm learning a lot from my white family.
- I am.
- 553
- 00:40:58,873 --> 00:41:01,375
- You know? And you know what?
- 554
- 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:04,545
- Yeah... People always say,
- "Because, Wanda, we're all the same."
- 555
- 00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:05,713
- No, we're not.
- 556
- 00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:09,758
- We're not all the same. We're different.
- 557
- 00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:10,926
- But we're equal.
- 558
- 00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:13,596
- We're different.
- 559
- 00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:14,972
- But we're equal.
- 560
- 00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,433
- And that's the thing.
- 561
- 00:41:20,186 --> 00:41:21,812
- That's what we have to respect.
- 562
- 00:41:22,438 --> 00:41:25,774
- Like, I'm learning things from my family.
- I'm learning how to play.
- 563
- 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,779
- Oh, 'cause black people don't play.
- 564
- 00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:35,784
- We don't play.
- 565
- 00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:40,581
- Some of the first things
- that we were taught as kids, right?
- 566
- 00:41:41,207 --> 00:41:42,917
- You're over there, acting up.
- 567
- 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,587
- Your parents tell you,
- "Hey, better stop playing.
- 568
- 00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:51,300
- Oh, you think I'm playing with you?
- 569
- 00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,680
- Keep playing here.
- Keep playing, keep playing."
- 570
- 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:07,149
- Learning how to play.
- White people play all the time.
- 571
- 00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:11,278
- Just make up shit.
- You don't even know what you're playing.
- 572
- 00:42:12,029 --> 00:42:13,280
- Just play.
- 573
- 00:42:14,031 --> 00:42:15,491
- I had to learn this.
- 574
- 00:42:15,574 --> 00:42:18,202
- Like, we had
- a birthday party over the weekend,
- 575
- 00:42:18,285 --> 00:42:21,413
- so, during the week, you know, there's
- still some balloons floating around.
- 576
- 00:42:21,497 --> 00:42:24,208
- I get up Monday morning,
- I'm coming downstairs,
- 577
- 00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:29,338
- my son takes a balloon, kicks it,
- and it hits me right in the face.
- 578
- 00:42:30,506 --> 00:42:33,509
- First thing I do,
- "Boy, you better stop playing."
- 579
- 00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:40,516
- He laughs, he takes another balloon,
- kicks it...
- 580
- 00:42:41,016 --> 00:42:42,560
- almost knocks my glasses off.
- 581
- 00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,853
- I'm like, "Oh, Lucas,
- you think I'm playing with you?
- 582
- 00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,982
- Keep playing with me.
- Keep playing with me, hear?"
- 583
- 00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:49,692
- My wife hears me yelling.
- 584
- 00:42:49,775 --> 00:42:51,402
- She runs into the living room.
- 585
- 00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:53,445
- "Baby, what's the problem?
- 586
- 00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,156
- Qu€™est-ce qui se passe? Ça va? Ça va?"
- 587
- 00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,201
- "No. No it's not ça va!"
- 588
- 00:43:04,873 --> 00:43:07,334
- "You want to know what...
- I'll tell you what happened.
- 589
- 00:43:07,418 --> 00:43:10,629
- Uh, Lucas here just kicked me
- in the face..."
- 590
- 00:43:10,713 --> 00:43:12,756
- And now I'm hearing myself.
- 591
- 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:13,924
- Uh...
- 592
- 00:43:16,885 --> 00:43:19,221
- "Uh, Lucas kicked me in the face...
- 593
- 00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:21,765
- uh, with the balloon, uh...
- 594
- 00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:26,604
- I haven't had coffee yet, okay? First..."
- 595
- 00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:37,364
- "And he did it twice. Twice. And, uh...
- 596
- 00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:40,200
- And, uh, you know, it was
- that little knot part,
- 597
- 00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:42,202
- the knot part on the balloon.
- 598
- 00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:46,582
- You know, that little knot in the balloon?
- Yeah, that knot part hit me right...
- 599
- 00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:57,760
- You... You were playing, huh?
- You were playing.
- 600
- 00:43:58,260 --> 00:44:01,472
- I'm sorry, baby.
- I... I didn't know you were playing.
- 601
- 00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:03,515
- Okay, stop crying. Stop crying.
- 602
- 00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:05,684
- It's okay. All right.
- 603
- 00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:08,729
- You got to let me knowÂ
- we're playing or something.
- 604
- 00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:10,606
- I didn't know, right?"
- 605
- 00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,317
- So then my wife just looked at me
- like I was an asshole.
- 606
- 00:44:14,985 --> 00:44:18,197
- He goes off to school and she's like,
- "What is your problem? Why did you..."
- 607
- 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,659
- I said, "Look, first of all, you need
- to take it down a notch, all right?
- 608
- 00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,662
- You ain't gonna be in my face like this,
- okay?
- 609
- 00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:29,041
- And, second of all, I behaved
- the way I was supposed to behave, okay?
- 610
- 00:44:29,124 --> 00:44:31,085
- All right? I'm a black woman, all right?
- 611
- 00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,087
- I come downstairs in my living room
- 612
- 00:44:33,170 --> 00:44:35,923
- and this little white boy
- kicks me in the face."
- 613
- 00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:46,725
- Just saying.
- 614
- 00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,064
- But I felt bad. I did feel...
- 615
- 00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:54,024
- I did. I felt bad. I did.
- 616
- 00:44:54,108 --> 00:44:55,317
- So what I...
- 617
- 00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,403
- So what I did,
- when he came home from school,
- 618
- 00:44:57,486 --> 00:45:00,114
- I had all the balloons lined up.
- 619
- 00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:01,865
- Oh, I was ready for his ass.
- 620
- 00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:05,285
- Soon as he walked in the door,
- I was like,
- 621
- 00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:08,497
- "Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
- 622
- 00:45:08,580 --> 00:45:11,583
- You want to play? You want to play?
- Boom, boom, boom!"
- 623
- 00:45:20,008 --> 00:45:21,468
- I took care of him.
- 624
- 00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:26,974
- All kind of shit. All kind of shit.
- 625
- 00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:30,310
- I'm learning we're different. Yeah.
- 626
- 00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:33,897
- I was on my way home from, uh...
- 627
- 00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:37,067
- I was on my way home, right?
- I'm in the car.
- 628
- 00:45:37,151 --> 00:45:40,195
- And my wife, she calls me in the car.
- She's like, "Babe, uh...
- 629
- 00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:44,825
- on your way home,
- uh, could you stop at the pharmacy
- 630
- 00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:48,912
- and pick up this stuff?
- It's called RID. Uh...
- 631
- 00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:52,791
- There's a problemÂ
- at the school with the lice
- 632
- 00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,836
- and the kids have the lice."
- 633
- 00:45:55,919 --> 00:45:57,504
- I'm like, "What? Lice?"
- 634
- 00:45:57,588 --> 00:46:03,218
- "Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids have the lice,
- I have the lice, you have the lice."
- 635
- 00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:04,428
- "No, I don't.
- 636
- 00:46:05,846 --> 00:46:06,805
- No, I don't."
- 637
- 00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:11,560
- "That's some white shit."
- 638
- 00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:21,612
- She's like,
- "No, it's a little bug in your hair."
- 639
- 00:46:21,695 --> 00:46:23,530
- "Mm-mm. No, no, no, no.
- 640
- 00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:28,160
- We don't do that. I would choke
- the shit out of a lice. We don't..."
- 641
- 00:46:30,496 --> 00:46:33,749
- "That's you and your inferior scalp.
- We don't do that."
- 642
- 00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:38,545
- She's like, "Will you pick it up?"
- 643
- 00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:42,049
- "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll pick it up.
- And put it in the mailbox."
- 644
- 00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:50,849
- "I ain't coming in that lice-y ass house.
- I ain't coming in.
- 645
- 00:46:52,601 --> 00:46:54,520
- I'll be at Sabrina's. Mm-mm."
- 646
- 00:47:01,109 --> 00:47:02,945
- Then I thought, "Am I being ignorant?
- 647
- 00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:05,656
- Maybe I'm being ignorant
- about this thing." Right?
- 648
- 00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:08,867
- So I called my friend, you know,
- she has a bunch of kids and stuff.
- 649
- 00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:14,832
- I was like, "Hey, look, um, have you or
- any of your kids ever had a lice issue?"
- 650
- 00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:16,750
- She went,
- "Nah, girl, that's some white shit."
- 651
- 00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:18,752
- I was like, "That's what I thought."
- 652
- 00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:21,004
- That's what I thought."
- 653
- 00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:23,507
- I knew it. I knew it. Mm-hmm.
- 654
- 00:47:24,508 --> 00:47:28,637
- I was gonna Google it, but I figured,
- no, I knew, knew what I'm talking about.
- 655
- 00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:29,930
- Knew that."
- 656
- 00:47:34,601 --> 00:47:37,437
- We get different shit,
- different stuff. Yeah.
- 657
- 00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:42,025
- When I was in fifth grade,
- I got mononucleosis. Yeah.
- 658
- 00:47:42,442 --> 00:47:43,902
- Yeah, we had just moved.
- 659
- 00:47:43,986 --> 00:47:46,363
- White neighborhood.
- And I got mononucleosis.
- 660
- 00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:50,576
- I'm not saying white people gave me
- mononucleosis, but... I just got it.
- 661
- 00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:53,537
- But the fun part
- was listening to my mother
- 662
- 00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:57,040
- trying to explain it to her mother. Yeah.
- 663
- 00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:59,835
- So my mother's on the phone,
- like, "Hey, Mama, how you doing?
- 664
- 00:47:59,918 --> 00:48:04,506
- Look, I'mma need you to come
- up here and stay with us for a few weeks.
- 665
- 00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:05,716
- Wanda's sick.
- 666
- 00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:10,387
- Hm? Um... She's got mo... Mononu... Hm.
- 667
- 00:48:10,971 --> 00:48:13,724
- Lord Jesus. Uh, she's got mo...
- 668
- 00:48:14,391 --> 00:48:15,976
- She's got tuberculosis."
- 669
- 00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:20,230
- "Mm-hmm.
- 670
- 00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:25,277
- Yeah, she's got the TB. Mm-hmm.
- 671
- 00:48:26,778 --> 00:48:29,406
- Yeah, no. I got Vicks. I got the Vicks.
- 672
- 00:48:30,365 --> 00:48:31,909
- I'll put the Vicks on her.
- 673
- 00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:33,660
- That'll do."
- 674
- 00:48:35,621 --> 00:48:38,081
- The Vicks. We put Vicks on everything.
- 675
- 00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:40,542
- Yes.
- 676
- 00:48:41,209 --> 00:48:42,377
- Love the Vicks.
- 677
- 00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:47,925
- I remember the first time I introduced
- Vicks to my little French family.
- 678
- 00:48:51,094 --> 00:48:53,680
- You would have thought
- I poured acid on them.
- 679
- 00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,690
- My daughter had a bad chest cold, right?
- 680
- 00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:05,776
- So...
- 681
- 00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:07,653
- So I heard the rattling.
- 682
- 00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,863
- She was sleeping,
- but I could hear the rattle,
- 683
- 00:49:09,947 --> 00:49:12,366
- so I was like,
- "Oh, Wanda, get your Vicks."
- 684
- 00:49:12,449 --> 00:49:13,909
- So I got my Vicks.
- 685
- 00:49:13,992 --> 00:49:16,078
- I go in her bedroom, you know...
- 686
- 00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:18,664
- open up my Vicks.
- 687
- 00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:24,544
- I start putting a little bit on her,
- on her chest.
- 688
- 00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:26,004
- Right? She wakes up...
- 689
- 00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:28,924
- "Mommy-boo, you're burning me!"
- 690
- 00:49:29,007 --> 00:49:31,969
- I'm like, "No, no, baby,Â
- it's just Vicks. It's Vicks.
- 691
- 00:49:32,052 --> 00:49:33,720
- It'll open up the thing."
- 692
- 00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:38,141
- "Maman! Maman, vite, vite! Vite, Maman!
- Mommy-boo is burning me."
- 693
- 00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:40,519
- I'm like,
- "Olivia, I'm not burning you, sweetheart.
- 694
- 00:49:40,602 --> 00:49:42,688
- It's just Vicks. It's Vicks VapoRub.
- 695
- 00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:44,982
- It'll open this up."
- 696
- 00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,525
- My wife comes in the room,
- 697
- 00:49:46,608 --> 00:49:50,153
- "Baby, what is the problem? Oh, my eyes!
- 698
- 00:49:50,737 --> 00:49:51,697
- Oh!
- 699
- 00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:54,825
- Baby. Oh.
- 700
- 00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:56,994
- Olivia...
- 701
- 00:49:57,953 --> 00:49:59,997
- Ferme les yeux, Olivia.
- 702
- 00:50:00,539 --> 00:50:03,208
- Oh, ferme tes yeux, Olivia.
- 703
- 00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:05,544
- Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please.
- 704
- 00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:08,964
- Oh, baby, why are you burning us?
- What are you doing?"
- 705
- 00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:12,968
- I'm like, "It's just Vicks!"
- 706
- 00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:20,308
- "Y'all can't handle Vicks?"
- 707
- 00:50:27,899 --> 00:50:28,859
- Vicks!
- 708
- 00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,785
- I was so pissed.
- 709
- 00:50:39,745 --> 00:50:42,706
- I was like, "Y'all have cheese
- that's stronger than Vicks."
- 710
- 00:50:52,758 --> 00:50:55,302
- One of my first trips to Paris, right,
- 711
- 00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:57,721
- I'm at her mother's house,
- we're having dinner,
- 712
- 00:50:57,804 --> 00:50:59,806
- they pass around the cheese plate.
- 713
- 00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:01,683
- "Wanda, tu veux du fromage?"
- 714
- 00:51:02,684 --> 00:51:03,935
- "Non, merci."
- 715
- 00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:14,905
- Because I want to know...
- 716
- 00:51:15,614 --> 00:51:18,116
- who just shit themselves at this table.
- 717
- 00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,382
- So we're just gon' sit here
- like this is not happening, huh?
- 718
- 00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:41,765
- "C'est qui qui fait caca
- dans leur pantalon?"
- 719
- 00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:43,767
- That's what I want to know.
- 720
- 00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:51,066
- Don't make me get up and just go around
- check everybody.
- 721
- 00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:52,609
- Is that what we doing?
- 722
- 00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:01,076
- Different.
- 723
- 00:52:01,910 --> 00:52:04,079
- But, you know, like, all I'm doing, man,
- 724
- 00:52:04,162 --> 00:52:07,082
- I'm just trying to, like, raise my kids
- like how I was raised.
- 725
- 00:52:07,165 --> 00:52:09,709
- That's what I'm doing, just raisingÂ
- my kids like how I was raised.
- 726
- 00:52:09,793 --> 00:52:11,586
- You know? Yeah.
- 727
- 00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:15,882
- Didn't turn out so bad. Right?
- 728
- 00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:22,222
- And, oh, boy, I lotion 'em up good.
- You should see 'em. Oh.
- 729
- 00:52:23,807 --> 00:52:25,684
- They be glistening, man.
- 730
- 00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:27,686
- They hate it.
- 731
- 00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:30,730
- My wife is like, "Why?
- Why all the lotion, the crème?
- 732
- 00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:31,731
- Pourquoi la crème?"
- 733
- 00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:34,651
- I say, "'Cause I don't
- want some little ashy-ass kids."
- 734
- 00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:44,661
- I get their legs, everything.
- I lotion 'em up.
- 735
- 00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:47,455
- They leave the house shiny, boy.
- 736
- 00:52:48,373 --> 00:52:50,375
- I bet you even little black kids at school
- 737
- 00:52:50,458 --> 00:52:53,128
- are looking at them like,
- "Oh, here come them greasy twins."
- 738
- 00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:58,592
- "Here come the greasy twins."
- 739
- 00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:06,141
- We're all different, man.
- 740
- 00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:08,435
- I feel different.
- 741
- 00:53:08,518 --> 00:53:10,562
- I don't even know who I am anymore.
- 742
- 00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:12,939
- Yeah.
- 743
- 00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:15,025
- Going through menopause right now.
- 744
- 00:53:15,692 --> 00:53:16,902
- I'm sorry.
- 745
- 00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:20,197
- Did you say sorry?
- Yeah, yeah. It's the worst.
- 746
- 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:22,407
- Oh, my God, the hot flashes.
- 747
- 00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:26,912
- Woo. The hot flashes are the worst.
- They're crippling.
- 748
- 00:53:26,995 --> 00:53:29,122
- All of a sudden, you just flop sweat.
- 749
- 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,708
- Sometimes, I feel like
- I'm going to pass out. They're awful.
- 750
- 00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:32,667
- They're awful.
- 751
- 00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:35,212
- There's no way in the world
- men would put up with hot flashes.
- 752
- 00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:36,379
- No way in the world.
- 753
- 00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:39,007
- I think if a man had two hot flashes...
- 754
- 00:53:39,799 --> 00:53:41,426
- they would blow the sun up.
- 755
- 00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:50,143
- You'd go out and they got
- the missile pointed to the sun.
- 756
- 00:53:50,227 --> 00:53:53,647
- "Hey, what are y'all doing?"
- "Oh... Bob got hot."
- 757
- 00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:58,902
- "Did you, Bob?"
- "Yeah, yeah. Just... poof.
- 758
- 00:53:58,985 --> 00:54:02,948
- It seemed like it started in my balls
- and just my balls got hot and just...
- 759
- 00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:04,115
- Poof.
- 760
- 00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:05,742
- It was awful.
- 761
- 00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:09,496
- We're gonna turn that off."
- 762
- 00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:10,914
- "Cool it down.
- 763
- 00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:12,832
- Cool it down."
- 764
- 00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:17,128
- What the hell?
- 765
- 00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:19,005
- I mean, ladies, come on. What kind...
- 766
- 00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:22,384
- We got a shitty hand
- that we were dealt, right?
- 767
- 00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:25,011
- Is it a design flaw? What the fuck?
- 768
- 00:54:26,179 --> 00:54:28,974
- Okay, so let me get this straight.
- This is our plight, right?
- 769
- 00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:31,893
- Okay, so when you're young,
- you're fertile,
- 770
- 00:54:31,977 --> 00:54:34,980
- you're producing eggs, you're bringing
- life into the world, right?
- 771
- 00:54:35,063 --> 00:54:36,690
- You're bringing life into the world.
- 772
- 00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:39,609
- And then you get older, no more eggs.
- 773
- 00:54:39,693 --> 00:54:42,070
- You can't bring any more life
- into the world...
- 774
- 00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:44,823
- so they just set you on fire.
- 775
- 00:54:57,669 --> 00:54:59,129
- What kind of shit is that?
- 776
- 00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:09,973
- You know, I've always said, you know what,
- the older I get, the less I care.
- 777
- 00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:13,727
- But you know what?
- There's science behind that.
- 778
- 00:55:14,436 --> 00:55:16,688
- There's science behind that. Yeah.
- 779
- 00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:21,526
- Because, when you're young, right,
- your body is producing estrogen.
- 780
- 00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:25,864
- Now, estrogen, that's that hormone
- that makes you compassionate,
- 781
- 00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:27,490
- makes you empathetic.
- 782
- 00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:31,369
- Makes you say sorryÂ
- all the damn time for no reason.
- 783
- 00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:35,582
- Ladies, you know how many times
- we say sorry for no reason?
- 784
- 00:55:35,665 --> 00:55:37,667
- Like, even when it's not your fault.
- 785
- 00:55:37,751 --> 00:55:39,085
- Like, you're at the grocery store,
- 786
- 00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:41,671
- somebody runs into your ankle
- with the grocery cart
- 787
- 00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:44,883
- and you're like, "Ooh, ooh, sorry,
- my ankle was in your way."
- 788
- 00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:54,476
- That's that estrogen.
- 789
- 00:55:55,185 --> 00:55:56,686
- And then, when you get older...
- 790
- 00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:59,522
- it drastically reduces.
- 791
- 00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:02,233
- You're not producing estrogen
- like that anymore.
- 792
- 00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:07,739
- Yeah. So it's not the older you get,
- the less you care.
- 793
- 00:56:07,822 --> 00:56:09,449
- It's the older you get,
- 794
- 00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:11,701
- you're just becoming a man.
- 795
- 00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,503
- That's why you don't give a fuck.
- 796
- 00:56:24,672 --> 00:56:26,633
- And becoming a man indeed.
- 797
- 00:56:26,716 --> 00:56:27,801
- Oh, my God.
- 798
- 00:56:28,718 --> 00:56:31,388
- If I go four days without tweezing...
- 799
- 00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:39,229
- ...I could have a nice situation
- going on right here.
- 800
- 00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:46,403
- The other day, I pulled a hair
- out of my neck that was so long...
- 801
- 00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:48,780
- I thought my neck was growing bangs.
- 802
- 00:56:48,863 --> 00:56:50,949
- I was like, "What the fuck is this?
- 803
- 00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:52,659
- Ah!
- 804
- 00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:55,286
- How long has this been here?
- 805
- 00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:58,998
- I can see it out the corner of my eye.
- 806
- 00:56:59,791 --> 00:57:00,750
- Ah!"
- 807
- 00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,470
- My metabolism just shut down.
- 808
- 00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:17,517
- Oh, my God.Â
- I got a nice gut going on. Ugh.
- 809
- 00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:19,811
- Yeah, Esther is out of control.
- 810
- 00:57:20,895 --> 00:57:23,356
- Woo!
- 811
- 00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:27,610
- Yes, I call her Esther.
- 812
- 00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:30,447
- When I was in my forties,
- I got this little fat roll.
- 813
- 00:57:30,530 --> 00:57:32,574
- I just named it. That was Esther.
- 814
- 00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:35,243
- And now Esther is spreading.
- 815
- 00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:38,121
- Esther is roaming around my body.
- 816
- 00:57:38,204 --> 00:57:40,165
- Esther's all creeping
- around my back, like,
- 817
- 00:57:40,248 --> 00:57:43,918
- "Mm, what's back here?
- Let's see what's back here.
- 818
- 00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:46,171
- Hey."
- 819
- 00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:54,721
- And she wants to eat everything. You know?
- 820
- 00:57:55,346 --> 00:57:58,516
- And, you know, when you get older,
- your digestive system changes.
- 821
- 00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:02,145
- I can't eat a bunch of junk,
- like greasy food and shit like that.
- 822
- 00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:04,230
- That'd tear me up. But Esther's...
- 823
- 00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:06,608
- We sitting there watching TV,
- commercials come on,
- 824
- 00:58:06,691 --> 00:58:08,651
- and Esther's like, "Mmm.
- 825
- 00:58:10,278 --> 00:58:15,074
- Let's live a little. Let's go get
- some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries."
- 826
- 00:58:16,701 --> 00:58:20,121
- I was like, "Ain't no way in the world
- I can eat some Nacho Fries."
- 827
- 00:58:20,955 --> 00:58:22,790
- If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries,
- 828
- 00:58:22,874 --> 00:58:26,002
- I would have to eat them
- in the parking lot of the urgent care.
- 829
- 00:58:42,018 --> 00:58:44,687
- I caught my wife
- eyeballing Esther the other day.
- 830
- 00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:48,983
- That didn't feel good at all.
- 831
- 00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:54,239
- We were getting ready for bed,
- you know, brushing our teeth.
- 832
- 00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:55,532
- You know, brushing my teeth.
- 833
- 00:58:55,615 --> 00:58:56,824
- I've got an electric toothbrush
- 834
- 00:58:56,908 --> 00:59:00,912
- and the jiggling from brushing my teeth
- just kind of...
- 835
- 00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:04,290
- resonated on down, so Esther was just...
- 836
- 00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:14,592
- And I saw my wife look over like...
- 837
- 00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:18,638
- I was like, "Uh-oh, uh-oh."
- 838
- 00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:20,473
- But it's okay.
- Esther can't stand her either.
- 839
- 00:59:20,557 --> 00:59:23,935
- Esther was like, "What the fuck
- you looking at, Frenchie?"
- 840
- 00:59:28,481 --> 00:59:31,568
- "Don't worry, one day,
- you gonna get a little Estelle.
- 841
- 00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:33,486
- Bonjour, Estelle."
- 842
- 00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:38,533
- It's the worst.
- 843
- 00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:42,620
- Whiskers, weight gain, hot flashes.
- 844
- 00:59:43,204 --> 00:59:44,747
- I know, one day, TMZ,
- 845
- 00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,208
- they're going to catch me
- standing in the frozen food section
- 846
- 00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:50,295
- with no pants on and a full beard.
- 847
- 00:59:55,466 --> 00:59:56,968
- But I won't give a fuck.
- 848
- 00:59:59,470 --> 01:00:01,764
- I'll be like, "My balls were hot."
- 849
- 01:00:10,189 --> 01:00:12,400
- But, you know, there's help, you know.
- 850
- 01:00:12,483 --> 01:00:15,862
- There's a solution. Like, a lot of women,
- they just take the estrogen.
- 851
- 01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:17,363
- Just take the hormone.
- 852
- 01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:19,282
- But, see, I can't take the estrogen.
- 853
- 01:00:19,365 --> 01:00:22,660
- I can't take the hormone because of
- the type of breast cancer I had. Yeah.
- 854
- 01:00:23,202 --> 01:00:25,622
- But the irony of it all is like when...
- 855
- 01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:27,123
- You know, because I curse and stuff.
- 856
- 01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:32,378
- When people say to me, "Hey, Wanda, would
- it kill you to be a little more ladylike?"
- 857
- 01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:33,379
- I go,
- 858
- 01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:34,714
- "Yes."
- 859
- 01:00:36,299 --> 01:00:37,383
- "It would."
- 860
- 01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:45,433
- "It really would."
- 861
- 01:00:49,395 --> 01:00:51,105
- I'm snoring now.
- 862
- 01:00:51,898 --> 01:00:53,524
- That's different, yep.
- 863
- 01:00:53,608 --> 01:00:54,484
- Snoring.
- 864
- 01:00:55,109 --> 01:00:58,613
- You know, my wife, boy,Â
- God bless her, putting up with it.
- 865
- 01:00:58,696 --> 01:01:01,866
- You know, 'cause, at first, it started off
- with just some deep breathing, you know.
- 866
- 01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:04,410
- Just like...
- 867
- 01:01:07,538 --> 01:01:08,915
- And then it quickly escalated to...
- 868
- 01:01:21,886 --> 01:01:23,346
- How do I know?
- 869
- 01:01:23,429 --> 01:01:25,306
- Because my wife records it.
- 870
- 01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:33,606
- That doesn't feel good.
- That doesn't feel good.
- 871
- 01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:35,400
- Yeah.
- 872
- 01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:37,110
- 'Cause, you know, like, during the day,
- 873
- 01:01:37,193 --> 01:01:40,655
- I'll get, like, a text messageÂ
- from my wife with an audio file.
- 874
- 01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:42,573
- And I get all excited.
- 875
- 01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:44,784
- I'm like, "Oh, my baby loves me.
- She even..."
- 876
- 01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:01,384
- It's bad.
- 877
- 01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,595
- 'Cause, you know,
- you wake up in the middle of the night
- 878
- 01:02:04,679 --> 01:02:06,055
- and she's out of the bed.
- 879
- 01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,599
- I'm like, "Uh-oh."
- I got to go look for her.
- 880
- 01:02:08,683 --> 01:02:10,893
- Like, "Ooh, did she leave me this time?
- What's going on?"
- 881
- 01:02:12,311 --> 01:02:15,815
- "Oh, no, okay, she's over there withÂ
- the kids. All right, okay. Cool, cool."
- 882
- 01:02:15,898 --> 01:02:18,985
- Yeah. You know, she wears the earplugs,
- and that doesn't help.
- 883
- 01:02:19,068 --> 01:02:20,570
- So she was like, "You know what, babe?
- 884
- 01:02:20,653 --> 01:02:26,159
- I think maybe if I take, like, some Ambien
- or something, that could help."
- 885
- 01:02:26,242 --> 01:02:28,703
- I'm like, "No, no, no.
- You can't take Ambien,
- 886
- 01:02:28,786 --> 01:02:30,413
- because, you know, those drugs,
- 887
- 01:02:30,496 --> 01:02:34,000
- you'll wake up and do things
- you don't even know you're doing.
- 888
- 01:02:34,083 --> 01:02:36,002
- You know, like suffocating me to death."
- 889
- 01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:45,678
- I don't want to wake up
- chewing on a pillow.
- 890
- 01:02:45,762 --> 01:02:47,930
- Or she's shoving Vicks down my throat.
- Argh!
- 891
- 01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:58,441
- So I was like,
- "Let me check with my doctor."
- 892
- 01:02:58,524 --> 01:03:01,611
- So I went to the doctor. I was like,
- you know, "I got to do something, man.
- 893
- 01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:03,154
- I got to do something about this."
- 894
- 01:03:03,237 --> 01:03:07,617
- And he was like, "Well, you know, first,
- you got to lose some weight, Wanda."
- 895
- 01:03:07,700 --> 01:03:10,411
- And Esther was like,
- "Fuck you, I want some Nacho Fries!"
- 896
- 01:03:12,497 --> 01:03:14,624
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- 897
- 01:03:21,005 --> 01:03:24,592
- And he goes, "You know what?
- You could stop drinking."
- 898
- 01:03:29,305 --> 01:03:30,515
- "What else you got?"
- 899
- 01:03:36,354 --> 01:03:38,147
- And he goes, "You know what, Wanda?
- 900
- 01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:40,483
- I want to test you for sleep apnea.
- 901
- 01:03:40,566 --> 01:03:42,777
- I want to test you for sleep apnea,
- 902
- 01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:46,155
- because
- judging from the recordings, uh..."
- 903
- 01:03:49,408 --> 01:03:51,953
- "Oh, man, that's fucked up."
- 904
- 01:03:53,246 --> 01:03:55,206
- He said,
- "Yeah, I think you have sleep apnea."
- 905
- 01:03:55,289 --> 01:03:58,167
- So I'm like, "No, no,
- I don't want to take that test,
- 906
- 01:03:58,251 --> 01:04:01,045
- because if, uh, I have sleep apnea,
- 907
- 01:04:01,128 --> 01:04:03,798
- then you're going to put me
- on one of those CPAP machines."
- 908
- 01:04:03,881 --> 01:04:05,299
- I said, "I can't do that.
- 909
- 01:04:05,383 --> 01:04:08,010
- You know, my wife
- is ten years younger than I am.
- 910
- 01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:12,515
- I can't be in the bed with a fucking
- Darth Vader mask on. You know?
- 911
- 01:04:13,933 --> 01:04:16,310
- Looking like an astronaut or shit.
- I can't..."
- 912
- 01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,482
- You know, I said, "It's bad enough
- I'm already in the bed, you know...
- 913
- 01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:26,112
- hot flashes with a gut
- and a beard coming in."
- 914
- 01:04:30,074 --> 01:04:33,244
- "Now you want me in the bed
- with that mask on?"
- 915
- 01:04:59,812 --> 01:05:01,606
- "Do you want to sit on my face?"
- 916
- 01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:07,486
- Thank you, New York!
- 917
- 01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:10,239
- Yes!
- 918
- 01:05:11,198 --> 01:05:12,491
- Thank you.
- 919
- 01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:25,338
- Â
- 920
- 01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:54,367
- Oy vey, use your knees, Page.
- Come on, push it.
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment