okay this was supposed to be like well thought out and smart and capitalized and with punctuation but i'm sick as fuck and i'm fangirling over jeremy renner and scarlett johansson so it's gonna be shitty but what can ya do

okay so

i'm not like ~mad~ at you or anything

idk

i've just had a lot going on and you say you're there for me but you really don't act like you are at all. it just felt like really kind of shitty in my mind that i was finding out i couldn't go to college where i'd been working to go for four years and i just felt really stupid and worthless and i didn't really get any consolation there from you and then i found out nyu was a no-go and again i got like nothing but you took sara out and hung out with her because she broke up with matt like a week prior and idk that was yeah

and then like i always clean my house so i can hang out with you and this was like 4 or 5 weekends in a row and you always end up bailing and i get it like when lloyd drinks and stuff i'm not irritated or upset by that at all but just like say you probably can't so i don't clean or like say you don't want to if you don't want to and you can hang out with your other friends i don't really care but it kind of sucks being ditched

also i found out a bunch of other stuff and my parents are fighting and my dad might have cancer and shit's crazy and you don't even really seem to care or be there for me or anything like i get i'm a bitch and i haven't talked to you either but i know you check my blog everyday or whenever (omg that sounds arrogant but you said that ok i'm not making it up) and you know these things and that they're so fucking hard for me to deal with like my dad might have cancer and he might get really really sick and die

idk i just felt like i was putting in more effort than you ever were

like when you went out with xander and you guys kissed i hung out with you and i listened to you talk about him and how you kissed and you like him and he's a good kisser and all that even though i like hate him because i thought that was what best friends did or something and then when you broke up i don't really remember if i ever got to hang out with you that exact night but i tried really fucking hard to make my mom drive me to meet you and i talked to you a lot and i made sure you were okay and stuff

like i know i'm not supportive about him that much anymore but that's just because i really can't stand him and i'm really sorry that pisses you off but i can't help it if i don't like someone idk i could be nicer about it or something

you just always seem to care more about sara than you ever cared about me tbh

i don't know what else to write so i think i'll leave it there

mind you this is all rambly and ugly and stupid sounding but it's true and ~how i feel~