[KS] Final Gear Solid VII: Pretzel Eater

Original post: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=7281&p=168637#p168637

I see the world a little differently to most people. Or, really, most people see the world a little differently to me. They’re blind to the truth of the world around them. Even with glasses as thick as mine, they still wouldn’t be able to see the danger that lurks around every corner; the fate of the world teetering on the edge of certain doom; the –

Oh, crap, I’m out of milk. And garlic. How can I deliver my badass introductory paragraph without the manliest of foods? All that nutrition, man – it steels the mind and hardens the body. I guess some pretzels are in order, too.

Then it’s decided: you guys sit tight right here while I go and stock up on some man food. I’ll be, like, half an hour, tops. Got it? Sweet. Bee-arr-bee, brosefs.

This is the trickiest part, you know. Gotta get out of the school without being seen. I dunno why they even have a curfew. Seriously… what exactly do they expect people to be doing after hours? Do they actually think people sleep at night? No way! That’s when the feminists are most active, plotting their evil machinations in secret.

Well, it’s mostly secret. I know about them. It’s got to do with the whole ‘seeing the world a little differently’ thing. But we’ll get back to that later. Right now, I gotta focus on ultimate boss levels of stealth and solidness. By shimmying.

Man, I hate shimmying. The word, not the action. The action is cool; it’s what all the pro spies do when they’re being sneaky and shit. But the word… it’s so girly. That’s probably thanks to the feminists. I’d bet my left eye that before they came around, shimmying had a manlier word. I wonder what it was?

Oh, wait, ‘slinking’ was the word I was thinking of. Then what the hell is shimmying? Ah, who cares? It’s probably some lame feminist thing anyway. Slinking is way cooler. It’s like a slinky toy, but with people. Not really. But they’re equally cool.

Anyway, time to get in the elevator. No one ever uses these, except for a couple of cripples in wheelchairs. It’s great. Elevators are the perfect place to adjust your wang without getting dirty looks. And fart. Mmm mmm, savour that manly flavour.

Right; ground floor. Time: twenty-two twenty-two hours. Ha. Awesome. Looks like no one’s in the common room, and reception’s closed for the night. Perfect. No need to slink around now. But… better do it just in case. People might not think I’m manly enough if I just walk outta here like some kind of casual.

Oh, did you think I was going out the front entrance? Hahaha, you’re crazy, man. What do you think I am, suicidal? The snipers would be on me in seconds if I did that. No, I’m gonna use the window in the first floor bathroom. Hopefully no one’s in there.

…Nope, all clear. Let’s do this –

“What the hell are you doing, Kenji?”

“Jesus fuck! Random encounter!”

*****

[A wild Angry Boy appeared!]

[Kenji used ‘Panicked Kick’! It’s super effective!]

[Angry Boy fainted! Angry Boy dropped 800 yen! Kenji gained 45 experience points!]

*****

Fuck yeah, victory pose! Da-da-da-dah, dah, dah, da, da-dah!

Oh, hey, he looks kinda hurt. Why is he rubbing between his legs? Maybe I overdid the victory pose. People usually get pretty butthurt when I do that.

“Kenji, why? Ugh, what’s your problem?”

Wait, is that…

“Hisao? Damn, son, you scared me.”

“You kicked me in the balls, you asshole!”

“Yeah, sorry about that. Listen, I gotta get some stuff from the shops, you want anything?”

“What do you think?”

“Suit yourself. I could have got you some ice, you know.”

“Bite me.”

Man, what’s up his ass? Hisao’s usually a pretty cool guy. Must have gone and got himself tangled up with some kind of girl trouble. Maybe even feminist trouble. Sorry, pal, but I can’t reveal my involvement in the resistance by helping you.

Back to the window. That was easier than last time. My healthy and delicious diet must be working. Now, onto flanking the guards. Gotta peek out from behind this wall to see them… it’s worth the risk of getting spotted. Let’s see… where are they? Engage handoculars!

Gotcha. Two guards, both carrying five-five-sixers and pineapples. First guard: dozing off in front of the dorm courtyard by the mural. Second guard: walking… walking… and now heading to the far side of the medical building. Excellent.

High-speed stealth dash, go go go! Cover in the trees. Approximately one hundred and four metres to the front gate.

Dash! Eighty nine.

Dash, roll, dash! Thirty one.

Oh, shit, second guard is back! Take cover!

Don’t move. Limit breathing. Camo index: 60 percent. Hold… hold… he’s turned around – sprint!

Hahaha, take that, you useless guards – oof! Surprise attack!

*****

[A wild Amazon appeared!]

[Amazon used Demure Look!]

“I’m so sorry. Are you alright?”

[Kenji is paralysed… Kenji used ‘Self-Composure’!]

“I’m fine. No harm done.”

[Amazon used ‘Ara~ Ara~’!]

“My, my, that was some collision. It’s a little unusual to be running around in the evenings, isn’t it?”

[Kenji used ‘Bluff’!]

“I’m just going for a late-night run. Fitness is important for comba– for… your health. Yeah.”

“Is that so…?”

[It’s not very effective!]

[Amazon equipped the ‘Extensible Cane’!]

[Kenji used ‘Scan’! The enemy’s dossier was revealed: Lilly Satou!]

Oh, crap! It’s Satou, that girl from the mafia! Play it cool, Kenji, play it cool…

[Amazon used ‘Graceful Bow’!]

“Well, I’d best be going. I’d be setting a bad example if a class rep like me were to be caught out after hours. Farewell.”

[Kenji used ‘Snide Remark’!]

“Of course. See you later!”

[It’s super effective!]

[Amazon fled! Kenji gained 87 experience points!]

*****

Man that was close. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought that was a boss battle. Usually they have different music. Onwards to the town!

This is the easiest part. This late at night, no one drives on this road. I could have a manly picnic in the middle of the street and no harm would come of it! But there’s no time for that now. No time and no whiskey. Damn, I wish I could buy my own booze. Curse those feminist-drafted age restrictions.

Bleh. It’s also the longest part. There’s nothing worse than big open worlds with nothing in them. If only these dungeons were joined by an overworld instead; that would make things so much easier. Alas, I have to trudge through this empty expanse manually. What’s the point? Curse those Western-made RPGs.

At last, sanctuary. Kind of. I’m pretty sure this is one of those pseudo-towns that look like they’re safe, but really have enemy encounters in them. Better resume stealth mode. And equip a disguise. No one ever suspects the guy wearing the bandanna, am I right?

There it is – the Aura Mart. If this were a game, ‘Aura Mart’ would probably be some kind of blatant, hastily-edited, self-insert name. Well, it would be if it were my game. ‘Kenji Mart’. Has a nice ring to it. It’d totally be the most awesome convenience store in the universe. And you wouldn’t even need ID to buy booze. Paradise.

Hey, no customers. Guess this isn’t one of those pseudo-towns after all. I must have been thinking of a different game. I mean town. Now, to just rustle up these survival goods… sweet, two-for-one milk! Man, this town just gets better and better!

Oh man, I didn’t even think to bring money. Well, I have that ten-thousand yen note, but… you know how it is, man; can’t break a note for less than half its value and all. Unless… hell yeah. Still got that cash that Hisao dropped. Time to pay for this shiznit.

*****

[A wild Jaded Cashier appeared!]

“How are you tonight, sir?”

[Kenji used ‘Item Dump’! The Jaded Cashier became surrounded with goods!]

[Jaded Cashier used ‘Multi-Scan’!]

“That’ll be six hundred yen. Will you be paying by cash or credit?”

[Kenji used ‘Dramatic Cash Withdrawal’!]

“I’ll withdraw cash with my right hand, and write checks with my left! I’ll take a pretzel… AND EAT IT!”

[It’s super effective! It’s a critical hit! The Jaded Cashier is confused!]

[The Jaded Cashier used ‘Customer Disservice’!]

“Right… here’s your receipt, kid. Here’s your complimentary promotional fun-size chocolate bar.”

[It’s super effective!]

“Kid? Chocolate? How dare you!”

[Kenji used ‘Up Yours, Asshole’!]

[Jaded Cashier fainted! Kenji gained 145 experience points! Kenji reached level 9001! Kenji unlocked Limit Break Level 4!]

*****

Awww yeah. Time to head back and gorge on this man food. Ugh… but the mountain road… wait! Quick Travel! Thank you, Western-made RPGs! Ka-poof!

Man, that worked out great! Back at the school’s entrance in record time! Nice thinking, me! But you should have Quick Travelled all the way to my dorm. Those guards are still out in force, and now I can’t even fight. Time for some European Extreme-difficulty sneaking.

Step one: use the side entrance. Behind the medical building. Lots of cover, only one guard. And there he goes, back into the front courtyard like a good predictable unit. It’s as if they’re controlled by some kind of retarded artificial intelligence program.

Step two: Stealth fairy run! I mean manly run! Actually, it’s not really that manly at all. But if I had a beard and or a mullet it would be manly!

Step three: Far side of the medical building. No guards in sight. There usually isn’t, since there are no exits or entrances on this side excepting the pool, which only has indoor patrols. This’ll be easy. I could moonwalk around here undetected. Actually, I’m gonna do that.

Step four: “Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one… but the kid is not my son.”

See, told you. Moonwalking is manly as fuck. Now I just have to get around to the side of the dorm building and get back to my window. It isn’t far, but it’s close to the first guard’s patrol route. If he’s even awake. Well, better safe than sorry, I guess.

Damnit! Bastard is awake! And he’s coming this way! Think of something, quick! Come on… eureka! The chocolate bar! I’ve discovered your true purpose, convenience store give-aways!

[Kenji used Throw! But it missed…]

Bullshit, square-bracketed text! I was aiming over there. Look, the guard heard it land!

“Who’s there?”

See? What’d I tell ya?! Now, step five: to get inside before he comes back… hey, why’s the window closed? And what’s with the ominous sounding tunes from the other side? Is some fool staking out my secret entrance? Damnit! But there’s no time to doubt; in I go!

“Montoya…”

*****

[A wild Four-Eyes and Half-Naked Bullhorn appeared!]

Oh shit, this is it. The music. Like I said before – this is a boss battle! Two on one! Hold onto your asses, folks, this is gonna get rough.

[Half-Naked Bullhorn used ‘Freak the Fuck Out’! It alerted Four-Eyes to the situation!]

“Shicchansomeonebrokeintothebathroomhelpme!”

[Four-Eyes used ‘Fast and Furious Signage’! Half-Naked Bullhorn is distracted! It had no effect…]

[Kenji used ‘Scan’! The enemies’ dossiers were revealed: Shizune Hakamichi/Shiina ‘Misha’ Mikado!]

Shit! This must be the girls’ dorm! I’m in big trouble now… the enemy has the home-field advantage! Keep it together, Kenji…

[Half-Naked Bullhorn equipped the ‘Flowery Towel’! It changed into the Angry Bullhorn!]

“Don’t look at me!”

[Four-Eyes used ‘Pimp Slap’!]

[Kenji evaded with ‘Non-specific Anime Dodge’!]

“You’ll have to do better than that, feminist scum!”

[Angry Bullhorn began charging ‘Juggernaut, Bitch’!]

“Get out get out get out!”

[Four-Eyes used ‘Smug Glasses Grab’! Four-Eyes’ intelligence increased!]

[Kenji used ‘Shaman’s Eyes’! But Four-Eyes is immune to eye attacks…]

[Angry Bullhorn used ‘Juggernaut, Bitch’! It’s super effective! It’s a critical hit! Kenji is paralysed!]

[Four-Eyes used ‘Stare Down’! Kenji blocked the attack!]

“You’re done now, feminists. I’m breaking my limit! Watashi wa shinen… SHINENZU!”

[Kenji used ‘Falcon Punch’! It’s a one-hit K-O!]

[Angry Bullhorn fainted! Four-Eyes fled!]

*****

Hey, you fuckers, where’s my experience points? Oh, right. Boss battle. My bad. Man, why do they even do that? It’s not like we suddenly stop needing experience right after a boss battle, you know. Well, time to gee-tee-eff-oh.

Oh hey, Four-Eyes. You want some more? No? That’s what I thought. Wait on; what’s this indicator thingy… ‘Alert’? And that music still hasn’t stopped… Shit! I’ve been discovered! But how? I was wearing my bandanna!

Pfft, of course! Bandanna is infinite ammo! Goddamnit, all this sobriety is impairing my judgement. Leg it! While humming to the alert theme!

Shit, guards! There’s nowhere to go… except out the front doors. I just hope those snipers have popped one too many diazepams, or died of old age… here we go!

Run in zigzags! Duck, weave and turn! Dolphin dive through the door!

Made it. But it’s not over yet. Gotta get to my safehouse. They’ll never find me there. To the elevator! No, wait, elevators are death traps in a chase. To the stairs! I hate stairs. Never mind. Two at a time! Too slow. Three at a time! Too tiring. Back to two at a time! Yeah, good enough.

Boom, my floor! There it is, down the hall… my sanctuary! Almost there…

“What’s going on out here?!”

“Fuck!”

*****

[A wild Angry Boy appeared!]

[Kenji used Falcon Kick! It’s a one-hit K-O!]

[Angry Boy fainted!]

*****

“Kenji… why?!”

“Sorry Hisao, guess you were the weak-as-shit quote-unquote ‘final boss’ they always shoehorn in after the real final boss. I’ll make it up to you one day.”

Finally. Safety. Time for a celebratory milk chug, two litre mode.

Damn, that’s good shit. Good thing they were two-for-one; I’m beat. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Like I was saying, even with glasses as thick as mine, they still wouldn’t be able to see the danger that lurks around every corner; the fate of the world teetering on the edge of certain doom; the –

==========

[You might have noticed I’ve been rather inactive recently. Sorry about that. I’ve been feeling creatively drained after some things happened. You can blame that if this little thing didn’t make any sense at all –]

“Excuse me? What the hell is this, some kind of retarded post-credits scene? My story ain’t over yet, pal.”

[…Sorry about that. This kind of narrative can be a little hard to control sometimes. Especially with characters like Kenji. Still, I couldn’t beat this gem of an idea out of my head, and breaking the fourth wall while throwing away all idea of what constitutes a narrative seemed like the best way to do it –]

“Stop that black screen shit, you hear? I haven’t even opened my pretzels yet. How do you expect to tell a story about me without pretzels?”

[…And so, Kenji ate his pretzels quietly without interrupting the writer’s afterword. There.]

[The end. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for reading, folkarinos.]