Mary's Panties Discontinued

Tiff: 7th Heaven Panties customer service. How may I help you?
Mary: What is the status of your Crotch Comfort?
Tiff: Well honey, on a scale of 1 to 10 I would give it a five today. I think I've got a yeast infection coming on. How's yours?
Mary: It's nonexistent. Because I can't find it anywhere.

Tiff: What exactly are you speaking about ma'am?

Mary: Your Crotch Comfort underwear. I've been buying it since I was nine and yesterday when I went to the store they tell me it was discontinued.

Tiff: Well they were right. It's been discontinued.

Mary: Who the hell would do such a thing? What kind of idiot would do that? I need my Crotch Comfort!

Tiff: I know. We all do But our CEO made the decision. And he stands firmly behind this company and its products. Are you familiar with our company's motto?

Mary: May we hold your behind?

Tiff: Yes ma'am, that is correct. And he is always interested in hearing feedback from the customers. Would you like me to put you through to him?

Mary: I most certainly would.

Tiff: Just a moment.

Drezz: Hello? This is Drezz Drezzleson. Can I help you?

Mary: Where is your underwear?

Drezz: Right where it usually is. Where is yours?

Mary: I don't know! Because I can't find it!

Drezz: Excuse me?

Mary: Why has your underwear been discontinued? I've been wearing it since I was nine and now I can't find it anywhere.

Drezz: Are you speaking about the Heritage Series ma'am? Which ones do you like, the Weight Watcher specials or the Thigh Shapers?

Mary: Do I look like I wear Weight Watchers specials or Thigh Shapers.

Drezz: I don't know ma'am, I can't see you. Besides that, looks can be deceiving.

Mary: I don't wear either of those. I liked the Crotch Comfort ones.

Drezz: Well ma'am, those have been discontinued.

Mary: I know that, you idiot. Why?

Drezz: They just weren't selling. We only sold two cases of those last year. That is nowhere near enough to justify keeping them in the lineup. Have you tried the Thigh Shapers? I'm kind of thinking that maybe that's the direction you should go.

Mary: No I haven't! And I'm not going to. I want my Crotch Comfort. And I deserve it.

Drezz: I'm sure you do ma'am. But that is a longtime to be wearing the same underwear. Times are changing. Might I suggest trying our new thongs? They're really popular with the husband's.

Mary: A thong? Are you serious? Have you ever tried one? Do you know how they feel?

Drezz: Yes ma'am I have. It was......... liberating, I suppose you might say. And it was exciting. I would think that anyone would like to feel that excited all day long. There are several varieties, including the Super Stretch series. They're made to accommodate vastly different sizes and shapes of derriers. I'm sure that there is at least one that can be stretched to fit you comfortably.

Mary; I don't need anything stretched to fit me comfortably, I want my Crotch Comfort!

Drezz: We all do ma'am but please calm down. Don't get your panties all in a wad.

Mary: That's not funny, you ass hole!

Drezz: I'm sorry. But you really should try the Silk series. That's one step up from the Crotch Comfort. That's what most women upgrade to as they get older..

Mary: What the hell? Are you calling me old?

Drezz: No ma'am. But now that you mentioned it, just how old are you?

Mary: That doesn't matter.

Drezz: It might. Most women completely give up on the Crotch Comfort around the age of 25 or 30. They can finally accept the fact that their behind is not what it once was and they adopt different strategies to deal with it. You've got to face facts. Have you tried Tai Chi? Or yoga?

Mary: My behind is too what it once was.

Drezz: OK ma'am. I'll just take your word on that. I'll tell you what I'll do. We've got a brand new line of panties coming out and I will send you two packages to try. And I'll throw in a couple of coupons for 50% off if you decide to buy some. From what I understand those women in LA really like coupons. Are you in LA?

Mary: I am most certainly not. I live in Rhode Island. But I would think that's the least you could do.

Drezz: Yes ma'am. I sort of think that one of these will fit you just perfectly. The first ones are called Panty Puffers and they're designed to disguise the fact that things have, shall we say, shifted to the south just a bit? They are padded at the top to give the illusion of a fuller, shapely, tight butt. But there are no guarantees that your man will not run for the hills once they come off and he gets a glimpse of the real deal. And the second kind is called Super Soakers. As we all know, the older you get the less control you have. And these are going to be especially popular with the fun loving crowd, the ones that like to drink and laugh a lot. No matter how bad your accident is, these will hold it. No one will ever know that you're carrying around an extra half gallon in your underwear. No need to feel embarrassed and leave the party early anymore. You can continue your drunken revelry in confidence.

Mary: I'm bringing my pistol down there to cap someone's ass! Click.

Hello? Hello? Char, would you get me Frank, the head of security? Hello Frank? We've got another crazy bitch. Yep, some lady with her panties in a wad. I think this one might be serious though, threatening to shoot someone with a pistol. For some reason, they just get upset when I explain to them why their underwear is discontinued. But anyway, be on the lookout for this one, I think she might go through with it. The caller ID says that the call came from a Mary Roberts.