Dismantling the b slur, how okay boomer is a victory for russia,
Literally what the frick is going on,
Jeff, calm the frick down,

Who needs a s m r when i can lay here in the dark listening to my dog furiously licking his own as at what seems like an impossibly high volume,
It’s so loud, must you,

Anime was not a mistake,
I hate anime,
I have been a fool,

Vibe check, eats your heart and absorbs your powers,

Me, as my laptop fan suddenly becomes louder, what is it, what program, who is doing this to you,
Opening task manager, who do i need to kill,

Oh so you like math, name every number,
Negative infinity to infinity,

Me at four in the afternoon watching a 2 hour video essay tearing apart a movie that i’ve never seen,

You flirt and kiss for what, sex, love, pathetic,
To level my charisma stat,
Ah a gamer, you may pass,

Catholic,

Do flat earthers think the moon, sun, and all the other planets are flat too,
Of course we don’t, we’re not stupid,

Much like the phoenix, a new dad shall rise from the sawdust reborn,

Today, my calculus teacher taught us how to make a chicken with a dish towel,
My mother always beaches about how i fold towels because it’s not the way she does it,
From now on, every time i fold a towel, i am going to make it into a chicken,
Vive la resistance,
What the frick kind of calculus teacher do you have,

Each of the hogwarts houses is presented with a locked door,
Ravenclaws, finds the key,
Slytherins, picks the lock,
Gryffindors, kicks it down,
Hufflepuffs, knocks,
This has been a brief description of the hogwarts houses,

You know what’s really odd,
Number not divisible by 2,
That joke was so bad i can’t even,

On my tombstone please write, not appreciating my puns when i was alive was a grave mistake,

Just failed no poop november,
Never mind, i was able to put it back,
What can i say except delete this,

J r r tolkien looking at flowers,
Apparently people hated to go for walks with him because he would stop and look at every tree for 20 minutes,
Explains the books,

Master wayne,
What is the point in all those pushups when you can’t even lift a bloody log,
Do you even lift mister wayne,

Dogs do not usually drink coffee,
Sometimes the world is confusing and frightening,
You could read this from right to left or left to right and it doesn’t matter,
Sometimes the world is confusing and frightening,
Dogs do not usually drink coffee,

16th century ring that unfolds into an astronomical sphere,

In assassins creed 4 cows can walk in front of the camera while you’re in the middle of a board game, making it unplayable,
Whoa, just like in real life,

Please do not let cat out,
Beach, who are you gonna trust, me or some sign,

I want to feel bad, but actually this is pretty accurate,

He just sits his as down on all those buttons that could or could not be firing lasers into space,
If we can’t invent a touchscreen that recognizes an as dial by the 24th century, we really have no business being in space at all,

Australians don’t have sex,
Australians mate,
I spat out my coffee,
Sorry about your coffee mate,

What will those tattoos look like when you’re a grandmother,
Frickin rad mom, frickin rad,

Why is she wearing a dress if she’s just gonna let her rodent vagina hang out of it,

Okay jimmy, these containers have the same amount of water,
Now, i will pour one into a taller container, can you tell me which one contains more water, please,
Jimmy you dumb frick,

Studies for 2 minutes,
Knowledge is power,

When people ask how you’re doing at the end of the semester,

Ha ha you’re blurry,

Why i’d be kicked out of the scooby gang,
Shaggy, zoinks,
Scooby, ruh roh,
Daphne, jeepers,
Velma, jinkies,
Me, well frick,

We all have about 2 minutes to live, but taking a breath resets the clock,
Stop that,

I swear, i will do this every single time one of my little brothers graduates from somewhere,
How many brothers do you have,

This is the exact opposite of that knife cat picture,
And somehow the cats face had the same energy,

dad,
I just realized we never returned the bowling shoes,
Remember your 12th birthday at the bowling alley,
Mowed the lawn in them not comfy,

Me, has talent,
Someone, has talent too,
Me, oh look i have been replaced,

O m f g my mom dropped her iphone in the toilet so she fished it out and desperately yelled siri i dropped you in the toilet what do i do, and siri replied,
Tara, you have 28 events in july, that’s a lot, and then died,
More dramatic than romeo and juliet,

If i was trapped inside a room filled with explosives and the only way out was to eat a whole tomato i would die,
How the heck would you even get in that situation,

Why am i not a banana,
Because your genetic code dictates that you are human,
However, it should please you to know that you share 50-60% of your d n a with a banana,
Thanks man,
Are you telling me that some people are 10% more banana than other people,

Okay but waking up in the middle of the night to soft rain and knowing you’ve still got hours to sleep, when you’re toasty warm and comfortable and sleep has made you forget all your worries and responsibilities and you go back to sleep feeling as content as ever,

So i’m babysitting for my parent’s friend and i accidentally gave the kid cold brew coffee instead of chocolate milk,
12:27 a m,
This is the funniest fricking thing i have ever seen in my life,

I am never going to get over the fact that this guy directed thor,
Did he though, or did he just obliviate the actual director and stick his name on the credits,

I just really want to start a gym for geeks where you’d have to like run away from daleks or get to engineering through some ducts or like compete in a tri wizard tournament or train with lightsabers and it would just be hilarious nerdy wonderful fun,
The only reason i’d exercise,

I just wanna s some d,
How many dogs are you looking to sell,

You’re so considerate,
Haha thanks, i was raised in constant fear of upsetting people so y’know, finger guns,
Today someone told me i’m nice and i literally said, thanks it’s the emotional trauma,

Justice is best served cold,
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater,
This one was bad enough to make me slow blink at the computer as i grinned, so therefore i have to inflict it on everyone else too, them’s the rules,
If i have to suffer so do you,

Man knows he must ride unexpected urge to clean as far as it will take him,
I feel personally targeted,

Trolley problem, nobody is in any danger, do you jump in front of the moving trolley,

Yet another over-sexualized halloween costume,
How is a slice of bacon over sexualized,
This is literally the most innocent thing i’ve ever seen,

Don’t waste money on expensive ipods, simply think of your favorite tune and hum it, switch tracks by simply thinking of another song,
Promoted,
Wow now i’ll be able to afford a house,

Quite possibly the most dramatic hotel lobby water sign i’ve ever seen,
Thousands have lived without love, not one has lived without water, w h auden,

Fun fact about j f kennedy, nobody knows what the j f stands for,
Just fricking kennedy,

My dad is a senior software designer at google,
This is his work laptop,
He takes it to company meetings,
I’ve been told he has received many compliments,
Marry him,
Did, did you read the post,

One look is worth ten thousand words,

If i saw a ghost i would simply bust it,
The ghost or,

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exist,

The facebook logo makes sense now,
Because the giant f on an app called facebook didn’t make sense before, thank god we have discovered this i was so confused but now i am enlightened,