Ushio Sarina blog post 14/2/2020 "Polaris"

Good evening.

Mao-chan announced her graduation.

Today, I'll write how I truly feel about it here.

I really love Mao-chan.

She's always been with me. She's always saved me. Whenever I feel down, she'd always send me encouragements, and then she'd say that the next time it happens we should think through it together. And then, we'd do exactly that - thinking through it together.

It was also Mao-chan who started 'Osharina'. Whenever I don't have the courage for something, I feel alright just with having Mao around. Whatever it may be, Mao knows how to follow it through, and it had always been Mao who'd give me the push from the back. Whenever I come to her to consult about something, we'd think through it together, trying to come up for the answer together.

There was a time where I'd be too scared to even talk about what I want to do, where I couldn't even speak, where I couldn't even match up with the others, where I was a nervous wreck, where I slowly grew into fearing having to do varieties.

And yet, Mao-chan would always pass me such kind words. "Mao's over here with the follow-ups ready, so Sarina-chan can just do it as she is." That's why, having Mao-chan around gives me a sense of relief.

That time, I got to appear on a radio show. It was extraordinarily fun, I really, really enjoyed the time doing it. But I wasn't able to properly get myself out. And, towards that lacking me, Mao-chan that day suddenly said, "He~y, Sarina-chan, Sarina-chan! Mao thought up something good! How about using the message app to do Ushio Sarina's Ossharina!"

She said it with a huge smile on her face.

All for my sake... though I was really happy to hear that, I told her, "But I talk in a lengthy way, I'm not good at speaking," and she told me that it'd be fine regardless! And then Mao-chan held my hand and pulled me over to a small room nearby.

And then suddenly, she started, "Alright! Today's Ushio Sarina's Ossharina is starting!!"

And from there on, I couldn't stop talking. It was terribly fun - it was really, really fun as I continued to talk.

And after that, I started doing Ushio Sarina's Ossharina on my messaging app. I could finally create a place where I was able to freely let my thoughts and my feelings relayed as they are. A place created for me to have fun speaking without feeling the slightest bit nervous. Thanks to this place, I don't feel nervous at all when the cameras running, I'm now able to talk like how I usually am. It was all thanks to Mao-chan that I was able to enjoy doing varieties, that I'm now able to enjoy it as "myself" as it is!

Mao had a huge presence in the slight change that I went through - this me, who initially was overly concerned on the way people's eyes were on me.

We thought of the intro for Ossharina, we thought up a lot of things. Like foods that we both happen to like. Until it then hit us, as Mao-chan thought this up:

"The still-budding Ushio Sarina and the root Iguchi Mao!"

Mao-chan actually suggested for me to be the "flower" Ushio Sarina and for her to be the "root" Iguchi Mao, but I told her I'm not at the stage where I could call myself a flower yet! So at that, she said, "By borrowing the strength from the listeners, together there could be Ossharina, and then you'd be able to grow into a flower." Mao-chan thought up again, for the introduction.

"Mao isn't a root..."

"I'm fine with that though! One day, until Sarina-chan's "flower" get to bloom, I just want to be able to give you the strength for it...

So being a root is enough for me."

I'll never forget those words in my whole life.

Those words that came straight from the heart directed towards someone else, from that you can tell that it came from such a wonderful person. Someone who puts others before herself - that's who Mao-chan is.

And then every time I get to be on a radio show, she'd tell me, "Sarina-chan!! So glad about it!! You did it~!!!", she was so happy, as if it happened to herself. What she said to me during my down times were kinder than anyone else, and she always knew what to say more than anyone else. Looking back, Mao would always encourage me back up whenever I got sad, would jump along with me whenever I'm feeling happy, would give me the push in the back whenever there's something I want to do.

She'd stay with me whenever I'm going through a hard time, not just by words, but also by actions. And when it was all over, she'd praise me, "See! You got over it! Look, you can do it, right!"

Mao had said, "I can't sing or dance, hell, I can't do anything at all." But I think, "Mao-chan has something that I can never pull off even no matter how many times I practice for it." And I think the other members would agree that it's something enviable about her:

Whenever Mao-chan is around, the room lits up, becoming brighter.

So to me, Mao-chan is the 'Polaris', the north star.

Whenever I lose sight of myself, Mao-chan would always help me, "Over there!" showing me the way. Mao-chan had always lit up the way for me, all the time.

She's a huge presence not only for me, but also the group.

While it's certainly true that Mao-chan had disappointed us all. It's the same for me.

But I didn't know anything, and it took me a while to finally reach an understanding. While Mao-chan was on the suspension break, I'd find myself going, "If Mao-chan was here, she'd do this~", "Mao-chan would like this!!", such things came out of my mouth.

I was reminded again of how much I actually love Mao-chan.

It's because I love Mao-chan so much, that I'm terribly saddened by this.

Mao-chan told me,

"Sarina-chan, you've always been waiting for me, but I really can't go back."

I could feel a lot of thoughts Mao-chan put into there.

It's not a hyperbole to say that I'm only here because Mao-chan had always been with me. Thanks to Mao-chan, I could grow into a better person. I'm very, ver grateful to her, I'm glad I could meet her in my life. This thought will never change.

Honestly, there's still a lot of things I want to do with you.

Mao-chan had always called me a baby, but I wish I could show you the me who had grown by a little. I wish I could say, "This time around, I'll be Mao-chan's "root"! Things like meeting our eyes halfway during the performance of a song, things like talking to each other until morning comes.

It makes me feel very lonely.

But I'm sure Mao-chan will continue to shine no matter where she is. Even though Mao-chan will be in a slightly different place from there on, I'm sure you can continue to grow into a bud and grow further on. Mao-chan who's more honest than anyone else. Mao-chan who's kinder than anyone else. So I pray for Mao-chan to be like that - to keep on shining even from another place.

Let's grow together, even when we're in different places.

I'll support Mao-chan on whichever path she's chosen for herself.

I've told everything I want to say about Mao-chan, so I can move on forward now!

As I want to live going day by day appreciating every little thing, I won't spare the time to reget every little thing, either.

Though it doesn't have much to do with all of this, today, I saw a lot of beautiful stars in the sky. :)