Zoolander

1
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:47,087
Here in Malaysia, there is an almost
overwhelming sense of euphoria,

2
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,131
as the newly-elected prime minister

3
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:51,884
has given this
impoverished nation the gift of hope,

4
00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:54,595
promising to raise
the substandard minimum wage

5
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:56,722
and end child labor once and for all.

6
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,849
Already considered a living saint,

7
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:01,351
he has become this small country's
greatest hope,

8
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:03,312
for a thriving future
in the new millennium.

9
00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,192
Get closer, Jaco.

10
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,904
This is disgusting.
How could you let this happen?

11
00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:15,908
I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio.

12
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:19,745
I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts.
I even sent him some pet oxen.

13
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:24,374
I mean, they love that crap in Malaysia,
but he won't budge.

14
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:26,502
Listen, 50% of my inventory

15
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,421
is manufactured in sweatshops
on the Malaysian border.

16
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,256
Something has got to be done.

17
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,884
If Malaysia goes, what is next?

18
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,929
My entire panty line is made in Vietnam.

19
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:38,806
We'll all go bankrupt within a year.

20
00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:42,017
The Malaysian must be
eliminated, Mugatu.

21
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:46,522
What? No, I don't have time for this.

22
00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:47,940
Perhaps you'd rather go back

23
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:50,734
to turning out novelty neckties
in Hackensack.

24
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,070
But my new fall line is almost due.

25
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:56,573
And I trust you would like to live
to see your spring line, as well?

26
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:01,203
The Malaysian prime minister
visits New York in 14 days.

27
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,288
Do it then.

28
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,834
Fourteen days? That's Fashion Week.
It's impossible! I have a show!

29
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,962
It's perfect. Invite him
to be your guest of honor.

30
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:13,006
That's not enough time. It takes
months to train an operative.

31
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,467
What about Fabio?

32
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:21,390
Too smart. This is a rush job.
He's got to be extremely dim-witted.

33
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:25,477
- You know the profile, Jacobim.
- A beautiful, self-absorbed,

34
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:28,856
simpleton who can be manipulated
and molded like Jell-O.

35
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,774
Or cookie dough.

36
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,360
- Or Play-Doh.
- Any kind of dough.

37
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:40,242
The point is, we need an empty vessel,
a shallow, dumb, vacuous moron.

38
00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,995
And when he's finished,
we'll dispose of him.

39
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,496
But who?

40
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:46,832
I mean, where in all of God's
green goodness,

41
00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:50,335
am I gonna find someone
that beef-headed?

42
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:55,841
Derek, I just have a few more
questions, if that's okay.

43
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,009
Cool.

44
00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:59,595
So when did you know
you wanted to be a model?

45
00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:03,724
I guess it would have to be the first time
I went through the second grade.

46
00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:07,102
I caught my reflection in a spoon
while I was eating my cereal,

47
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,272
and I remember thinking,
"Wow, you're ridiculously good-looking.

48
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,609
- "Maybe you could do that for a career. "
- Do what?

49
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,612
- Be professionally good-looking.
- Right.

50
00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:19,406
What would you say your
trademark is, if you have one?

51
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:22,826
Well, I guess the look
I'm best known for is Blue Steel.

52
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,369
What's that look like?

53
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,124
That's impressive.

54
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,920
And then there's Ferrari and Le Tigre.

55
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:36,256
Le Tigre's a lot softer.
It's a bit more of a catalogue look.

56
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,343
- I use it for footwear sometimes.
- Can I see that?

57
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:52,648
Look, without Derek Zoolander,

58
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,025
male modelling wouldn't be
what it is today.

59
00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,735
He is a fashion icon.

60
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:59,154
So, do you spend a lot of time
working on these looks,

61
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,614
thinking about them?

62
00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:04,993
Sure. I've been working on Magnum
for at least eight or nine years.

63
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,080
"Magnum"? That's intriguing.
Can I see that?

64
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:11,416
Are you kidding?
I shouldn't even be talking about it.

65
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,085
It's nowhere near ready.

66
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:18,257
It's almost like there's a light
around him. He exudes beauty.

67
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,384
I think about Derek
every time I design a collection.

68
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,386
Derek, I don't know if you're familiar

69
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,554
with the belief that
some aboriginal tribes hold.

70
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:28,600
It's the concept that a photo
might steal a part of your soul.

71
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:29,810
What are your thoughts on that,

72
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,562
as someone who gets his picture
taken for a living?

73
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:37,192
That Blue Steel look he does?
Oh, my gosh! The style and the hair.

74
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:41,613
You know, it's almost like the new afro
for the white man, but it's beautiful.

75
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:45,033
Well, I guess I would have to answer
your question with another question.

76
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,954
How many "abo-digitals"
do you see modelling?

77
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,791
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the fashion industry's biggest night,

78
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,042
the VH1 Fashion Awards.

79
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,466
There he is,
three-time Male Model of the Year,

80
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,218
Derek Zoolander.

81
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,636
He's like music.

82
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,096
Proud owner of Blue Steel,

83
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,307
the look that made him
the legend he now is.

84
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:10,350
He's almost too good-looking.

85
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,601
Hey, Paco!

86
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:17,399
That would be my main deterrent
in considering a relationship.

87
00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,911
And that's who Derek Zoolander
is defending his title against tonight.

88
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,789
Hansel.

89
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,250
- Hansel, right here!
- All right, all right.

90
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,753
The rookie sensation
who has burned his way

91
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,921
into the eye sockets
of the fashion world,

92
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,257
and left them clawing
their faces for more.

93
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,969
Mugatu sucks!
Support the prime minister!

94
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:49,431
Mugatu uses slave labor!

95
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:52,934
Down with Mugatu!

96
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,979
You hate to see something like that
at an event like this.

97
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,982
Ugly protesters
bothering beautiful people.

98
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,778
There's no denying Jacobim Mugatu
has used cheap Malaysian workers

99
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:06,198
to make his, and most
of the garment industry's, clothes.

100
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,493
- Derek! Derek!
- Hey, Steve, how are you doing?

101
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:12,871
You're going for your fourth straight
Male Model of the Year award tonight.

102
00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:14,414
Come on. Are you nervous?

103
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,541
Well, there are couple of
little butterflies in my basket,

104
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,126
but I think I'm doing okay.

105
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,462
We also hear you're working on a new
look. Can you tell us about it?

106
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,965
Actually, I can't, Steve,
because it's not yet perfected.

107
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,009
But I can tell you
that it's called Magnum and...

108
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,636
Shut, baby, shut!

109
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,846
If I tell you anything else,
this guy's gonna kill me.

110
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,723
Got that right.
How are you doing, Steven?

111
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,893
- Maury Ballstein, Balls Models.
- A man who needs no introduction.

112
00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:38,397
Maury, you've handled every important
male model for the last 30 years.

113
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,732
- Derek's chances tonight?
- Let me tell you something.

114
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,860
Nobody can touch Derek.
Nobody! I gotta get inside.

115
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,988
I'm shvitzing like a shmendrick
with all these lights.

116
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:58,375
Derek! Derek!
Are you worried about Hansel?

117
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,045
Not as much
as I'm worried about Gretel.

118
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:05,215
Hey, put that Hansel and Gretel
line in your article.

119
00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:07,008
I want people to know
how funny I can be.

120
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,803
Oh, believe me, they'll know.
It hits newsstands tomorrow.

121
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:12,931
Excuse me, Mr. Mugatu.
Mr. Mugatu, Matilda Jeffries.

122
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,224
Time magazine.

123
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,601
Any comment on Prime Minister
Hassan's wage increases

124
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,979
- for Malaysian garment workers?
- No, he has no comment.

125
00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:20,439
Why don't you let him
speak for himself?

126
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,108
Isn't it true you'd like to see
the prime minister out of power

127
00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,235
so you can continue
exploiting cheap Malaysian labor?

128
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:29,072
Hey, Mugatu! Screw you
and your little dog, too!

129
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,366
Look out! She's got an egg!

130
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,577
Oh, my God! Let go of me!

131
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:35,078
Yes!

132
00:07:36,205 --> 00:07:37,205
Yes.

133
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,040
Wow.

134
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,294
I just can't tell you how much
this means to me,

135
00:07:42,378 --> 00:07:44,880
to be the first recipient
of this beautiful award.

136
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:47,716
We have a serious problem
on our hands, Maury.

137
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,552
This Malaysian thing
is getting out of hand.

138
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:51,970
I hear you, Jaco.

139
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,931
What this, the Slashie, mean,

140
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:59,227
is you consider me
the best actor slash model,

141
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,937
and not the other way around.

142
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,650
His proposed wage increase
could ruin all of us.

143
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,570
I need it taken care of soon.
I have people to answer to.

144
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:11,990
All right, now to the important stuff.

145
00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:14,534
These ain't no slashes, folks.

146
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,286
These are the pure breeds.

147
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,998
Here are the nominees
for Male Model of the Year.

148
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,001
Young, hot, brash.

149
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:26,880
With more covers in his first year
than any rookie model ever

150
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:30,509
and an attitude that says,
"Who cares? It's only fashion. "

151
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:33,220
That Hansel's so hot right now.

152
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:37,307
I hear a lot of words
like "beauty" and "handsomeness,"

153
00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:39,017
and "incredibly chiseled features. "

154
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:41,978
To me, that's like a vanity,
a self-absorption,

155
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,231
that I try to steer clear of.

156
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,359
I dig the bungee.
For me, it's just the way I live my life.

157
00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:50,028
I grip it and I rip it.
I live it with a lot of flair.

158
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:52,906
I live it on the edge, where I gotta be.

159
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:57,327
I wasn't like every other kid,
who dreams about being an astronaut.

160
00:08:57,453 --> 00:09:02,249
I was always more interested in
what bark was made out of on a tree.

161
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,044
Richard Gere's
a real hero of mine. Sting.

162
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:07,879
Sting would be another person
who's a hero.

163
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,673
The music that he's created
over the years,

164
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,216
I don't really listen to it,

165
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,677
but the fact that he's making it,
I respect that.

166
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,221
I care desperately about what I do.

167
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:20,267
Do I know what product I'm selling? No.
Do I know what I'm doing today? No.

168
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:23,812
But I'm here,
and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

169
00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:33,363
Over the past decade,

170
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:36,950
male modelling has had a shadow
cast over it by one man

171
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,618
and five syllables,

172
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,204
Derek Zoolander.

173
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,667
Modelling, to me, isn't just
about being good-looking,

174
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:49,337
or having a lot of fun and
being really, really good-looking.

175
00:09:55,344 --> 00:09:56,845
The calendar was great,

176
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:59,681
because it gave people a chance
to see a side of my versatility.

177
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:03,935
The original Greek word for model
means "misshapen ball of clay",

178
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,396
and I try to think about that every
time I get in front of a camera.

179
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,940
Three-time Male Model of the Year.

180
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,369
And the award goes to

181
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:27,876
Hansel.

182
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:30,837
Hansel.

183
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:33,840
Hansel.

184
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:38,803
Hansel.

185
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,769
Thank you, Lenny.

186
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,314
Wow!

187
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,902
You know, a lot of people said
winning this award

188
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,071
four years in a row couldn't happen.

189
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,657
Well, I guess I showed...

190
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:17,592
I think we've found
our solution, Ballstein.

191
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,679
No, not Derek.

192
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,431
He's perfect, and you know it.
Now make it happen.

193
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:28,353
It stings me like a fissure
in my ass, but you're right.

194
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,854
He's ready.

195
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,127
Who am I?

196
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:54,462
I don't know.

197
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,133
I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.

198
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,262
Hey, the results are in, amigo!

199
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,305
What's left to ponder?

200
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,893
Nice comeback!

201
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,803
I can't stand Hansel!

202
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:26,179
I know, right?

203
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,556
Riding in on that scooter
like he's so cool.

204
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:31,935
- And the way Hansel combs his hair.
- Or, like, doesn't.

205
00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:36,356
It's like, "'Ex-squeeze' me,
but have you ever heard of styling gel?"

206
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,400
I'm sure Hansel's heard
of styling gel. He's a male model.

207
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,653
Earth to Brint. I was making a joke.

208
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,906
Earth to Meekus.
Duh, okay? I knew that.

209
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,283
Earth to Brint. I'm not so sure you did

210
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:50,286
'cause you were all, "Well, I'm sure
he's heard of styling gel."

211
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,413
Like you didn't know it was a joke.

212
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:56,292
I knew it was a joke, Meekus.
I just didn't get it right away.

213
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,920
- Earth to Brint...
- Would you guys stop it already!

214
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:02,674
Did you ever think that maybe
there's more to life

215
00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:07,554
than being really, really, really,
ridiculously good-looking?

216
00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:11,099
I mean, maybe we should be doing

217
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,226
something more meaningful
with our lives.

218
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,645
Like helping people.

219
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,648
Derek, what people?

220
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,861
I don't know. People who need help.

221
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:27,532
Models help people. They make them
feel good about themselves.

222
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:31,286
They also show them how to dress cool,
and wear their hair in interesting ways.

223
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,454
I guess so.

224
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:36,958
You know what could really help you
sort through these important issues?

225
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:38,126
What?

226
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,713
- Orange mocha frappuccino!
- Orange mocha frappuccino!

227
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:44,757
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

228
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,302
Come on, man! Come on!

229
00:15:56,538 --> 00:16:00,041
"Derek Zoolander. A model idiot. "

230
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,520
- Brint!
- Huh?

231
00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:21,729
No!

232
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:38,246
Rufus, Brint and Meekus
were like brothers to me.

233
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,667
And when I say brother,
I don't mean like an actual brother,

234
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:45,003
but I mean it like the way
black people use it,

235
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:47,922
which is more meaningful, I think.

236
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,260
If there's anything that this
horrible tragedy can teach us,

237
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:56,180
it's that a male model's life
is a precious, precious commodity.

238
00:16:56,724 --> 00:17:01,686
Just because we have chiseled abs,
and stunning features,

239
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:07,400
it doesn't mean that we too can't not die
in a freak gasoline fight accident.

240
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:12,363
So today, ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to take this opportunity,

241
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:15,324
to announce my...

242
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:26,252
Hansel. He's so hot right now. Hansel.

243
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,921
I would like to take this...

244
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,425
People!

245
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,429
I'd like to announce my retirement
from the male modelling profession.

246
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,182
What?

247
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:44,479
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life
than being really, really good-looking.

248
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,398
And I plan on finding out what that is.
Thank you.

249
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,817
Mr. Mugatu! Mr. Mugatu!

250
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,111
If I could just have
a moment of your time, please, sir.

251
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,697
Just one minute of your time,
please, sir!

252
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,785
Derek? Derek, hey!

253
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,080
- What do you want?
- Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu,

254
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,248
but he's tougher to get to
than the president.

255
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:07,251
I thought you were gonna tell me
what a bad "eugoogolizer" I am.

256
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,503
A what?

257
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:11,923
A "eugoogolizer. "
One who speaks at funerals.

258
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:16,844
Or did you think I'd be too stupid
to know what a "eugoogoly" was?

259
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:21,057
How could you have written
those terrible things about me?

260
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,976
Look, Derek,
my editor put that headline on it, okay?

261
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,854
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I know it came off kind of harsh.

262
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,440
Yeah, well, fortunately for you,
not too many people I know

263
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,401
read your little Time magazine,
or whatever it's called.

264
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,612
Look, maybe you could do me a favor.

265
00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,990
All I'm trying to do is get some
background information on Mugatu.

266
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,034
Mugatu? If you knew anything,

267
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,995
you'd know Mugatu's the one designer
who's never hired me.

268
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:44,372
Come on. There's gotta be...

269
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:46,582
Sorry, lady. Not interested.

270
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,794
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got an after funeral party to attend.

271
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,134
Go back home? You're overreacting.

272
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:58,553
I want to do something meaningful
with my life, Maury.

273
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,972
I have deeper thoughts on my mind.

274
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,224
The other day,
I was thinking about volunteering,

275
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,144
to help teach underprivileged children
to learn how to read.

276
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:09,856
Just thinking about it was the most
rewarding experience I've ever had.

277
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,941
Derek, I don't think you're cut out
for that kind of thing.

278
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:14,443
I mean, maybe I could even have
my own institute.

279
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:20,408
We could call it the Derek Zoolander
Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good.

280
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:22,952
What about us?
We built this place together.

281
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,745
Look out! Tushy squeeze!

282
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:26,122
Maury!

283
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,374
Derek, when I met you,
you were a junior petite

284
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,585
who couldn't book
a goddamn Sears catalogue,

285
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,295
and who couldn't turn left
to save his ass.

286
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:35,423
- Now look at you.
- I can turn left!

287
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,133
Yeah, right.

288
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,844
Derek, please. Some male models
go left at the end of a runway,

289
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,053
others go right.

290
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:44,223
You got a lot of gifts, but hanging
a louie just isn't one of them.

291
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,600
Sit down!

292
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:49,437
Hey, you want to hear
some great news?

293
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:56,944
Mugatu wants you
for his new campaign.

294
00:19:57,112 --> 00:20:00,198
Didn't you hear me, Maury?
I just retired.

295
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,241
But this is Mugatu, Derek.

296
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,619
Right now, this guy is so hot,

297
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:08,206
he can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil,
put a couple of fishhooks on it,

298
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,750
and sell it to Queen Elizabeth
as earrings.

299
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:17,131
Derek, you're the laughing stock
of the entire fashion world.

300
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:22,803
What do we do
when we fall off the horse?

301
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,770
We get back on.

302
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:35,191
Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

303
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:39,445
I'm going back home.
I need to get in touch with my roots.

304
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,448
Figure out who I am.
See you around, Maury.

305
00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:15,773
Hey, Pop!

306
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,114
It's me.

307
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,576
Scrappy, Luke,

308
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:30,788
you remember your brother, right?

309
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:32,498
What do you want?

310
00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:36,544
I thought maybe I could work
the mines with you guys.

311
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,921
You know, all the Zoolander men
together again,

312
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,589
like when we were kids.

313
00:21:41,174 --> 00:21:42,341
Times have changed, boy.

314
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,719
You wouldn't last one day
down those coal pits.

315
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,347
Can't you even pretend
to be happy to see me, Pop?

316
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,727
Damn it, Derek, I'm a coal miner, not
a professional film and television actor.

317
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:58,899
Do us all a favor and get out of here.

318
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,362
Pop, wait, please!

319
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,072
Give me a chance.

320
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:08,659
I won't let you down. I promise.

321
00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:21,172
Hold very still. Very still.
I'm working right now. This...

322
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:23,049
- Ouch!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

323
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,384
Did my pin get in the way of your ass?

324
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,554
Do me a favor and lose
five pounds immediately,

325
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:30,765
or get out of my building like now!

326
00:22:30,932 --> 00:22:32,266
Get out!

327
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:35,519
I'm so tired! No, Todd, not now!

328
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:36,854
It's Maury.

329
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:38,773
Tell me something good.

330
00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:40,858
You may have to start
looking for someone else.

331
00:22:41,234 --> 00:22:44,779
There is no one else.
The show is in 10 days, Ballstein.

332
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:47,198
Jaco, I hear you, but the kid's mixed up.

333
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:50,117
He went home. He's talking
about going off to ponder

334
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,620
and tutoring underprivileged
retards or some shit.

335
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:55,664
I don't care what it takes. Get him back.

336
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:58,042
We're running out of time. Capisce?

337
00:22:58,126 --> 00:23:01,128
Yeah, I capisce.
Now if I could only ca-piss.

338
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:04,757
My prostate's flaring up
like a frickin' tiki torch.

339
00:23:05,425 --> 00:23:09,470
Give me a little pee-pee.
Come on, a couple of drops.

340
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:13,641
That's what I'm talking about!

341
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:48,676
Surprise!

342
00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:57,643
What the hell's the matter with you?

343
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:11,532
Pacheco back to pass.

344
00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:13,367
He's feeling pressure from Pressman.

345
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,536
He's looking for his All-American
John DeRosa, the wide receiver.

346
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:17,371
He's got him wide open
in the middle of the field.

347
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,039
Big rush.

348
00:24:19,166 --> 00:24:20,958
Who's winning the match?

349
00:24:21,042 --> 00:24:23,294
Hits Kevin Connolly,
the tight end down in there.

350
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:24,712
State.

351
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:32,136
I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop.

352
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:34,472
It's not very well ventilated down there.

353
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,974
For Christ's sake, Derek,
you've been down there one day.

354
00:24:37,058 --> 00:24:39,602
Talk to me in 30 years.

355
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,157
Moisture is the essence of wetness,

356
00:24:56,912 --> 00:25:01,749
and wetness is the essence of beauty.

357
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:15,596
Why'd you have to come back
to this damn town?

358
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:19,141
I wanted to make a new life for myself.

359
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:22,645
I'm sorry I was born
with this perfect bone structure.

360
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:25,272
That my hair looks better
done up with gel and mousse

361
00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,983
than hidden under a stupid hat
with a light on it!

362
00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:32,363
All I ever wanted to do
was make you proud of me, Pop.

363
00:25:32,906 --> 00:25:35,115
With what? Your male modelling?

364
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:37,368
Prancing around in your underwear

365
00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:39,453
with your wiener hanging out
for everyone to see?

366
00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,125
You're dead to me, boy.

367
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:50,673
You're more dead to me
than your dead mother.

368
00:25:52,467 --> 00:25:55,803
I just thank the Lord she didn't
live to see her son as a mermaid.

369
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:00,933
Merman.

370
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:07,314
Merman!

371
00:26:17,158 --> 00:26:18,909
Who am I?

372
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:33,048
Hello? Derek, you hearing me?

373
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,217
- God?
- God?

374
00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:38,262
What the shit are you talking about?
It's me. Maury.

375
00:26:38,346 --> 00:26:40,014
I hope you're finished
touching your roots,

376
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:42,766
because Mugatu's making you
an offer you won't believe.

377
00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:44,602
You gotta get your tuches back here.

378
00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:51,108
Well, to tell you the truth,

379
00:26:51,192 --> 00:26:53,319
I was a little hesitant
at first, Mr. Mugatu.

380
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:57,865
I mean, you've never hired me before,
and I've been around for...

381
00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:00,367
For ages and ages. You've been
around for a long, long time.

382
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:01,660
I never wanted anything from you.

383
00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,912
And now that you're retired,
I can't have you.

384
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:05,289
And it's funny how it switches like that.

385
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,459
But now the forbidden fruit
must be tasted.

386
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:11,712
Well, when Maury told me
what you were willing to do, I...

387
00:27:15,383 --> 00:27:16,383
Todd!

388
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,554
Are you not aware that I get farty
and bloated with a foamy latte?

389
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:22,806
My mistake, Jacobim.

390
00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:24,391
Your mistake, indeed!

391
00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:36,862
Yes, Derek.

392
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:41,075
What Maury said
I was willing to do for you.

393
00:27:41,409 --> 00:27:44,495
Let's get back to the reason
that we're really here.

394
00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:49,875
Without much further ado, I give you

395
00:27:51,419 --> 00:27:55,589
the Derek Zoolander Center
for Kids Who Can't Read Good.

396
00:28:05,266 --> 00:28:06,642
What is this?

397
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:13,023
A center for ants?

398
00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,775
What?

399
00:28:18,571 --> 00:28:21,865
How can we be expected to teach
children to learn how to read,

400
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,952
if they can't even fit inside the building?

401
00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:29,707
- Derek, it's just a small...
- I don't want to hear your excuses!

402
00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,626
The center has to be at least

403
00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:36,797
three times bigger than this.

404
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,178
- He's absolutely right.
- Thank you.

405
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:45,472
I have a vision.

406
00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:49,184
And so do I. Let me show you mine.

407
00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:52,813
I can't help you, lady.
I don't know nothing about Mugatu.

408
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:55,607
But you've represented every
male model in each of his campaigns.

409
00:28:55,692 --> 00:28:57,693
You must have some kind
of a relationship with him.

410
00:28:57,777 --> 00:28:59,862
Even if I did, why would I talk to you?

411
00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,073
Shame on you how you picked on
Derek Zoolander in that story.

412
00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:05,492
He's a sweet simpleton
who never hurt a fly.

413
00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:08,120
Please don't change the subject,
Mr. Ballstein.

414
00:29:08,204 --> 00:29:11,165
What about Mugatu's exploitation
of sweatshop workers in Malaysia?

415
00:29:11,249 --> 00:29:13,667
- Do you have an opinion on that?
- You wanna hear an opinion?

416
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:16,754
With a push-up bra, you could have
a nice rack of lamb going on there.

417
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,841
Let me show you the future of fashion.

418
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:24,011
Let me show you

419
00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:27,055
Derelicte!

420
00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:29,600
It is a fashion, a way of life,

421
00:29:29,684 --> 00:29:32,603
inspired by the very homeless,
the vagrants,

422
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:34,688
the crack whores

423
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:36,899
that make this wonderful city so unique.

424
00:29:38,193 --> 00:29:41,028
And I want you, Derek, to be the face,

425
00:29:41,112 --> 00:29:45,157
the image, nay, the spirit of Derelicte!

426
00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:48,660
It'll be your glorious comeback.

427
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,370
Sounds cool.

428
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:55,125
Derek, I'd like you to meet
Katinka Ingabogovinanana.

429
00:29:55,710 --> 00:29:58,295
She'll be your day-to-day
on the campaign.

430
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,673
Let's get this model on his way!

431
00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,635
The big show is in eight days, Derek.

432
00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:11,225
Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly,
so must you become Derelicte!

433
00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,268
So you want me to sleep in the gutter?

434
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:16,271
No. We're sending you
to a very exclusive day spa.

435
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:21,610
So exclusive, no one knows about it.
Our little secret, okay?

436
00:30:29,619 --> 00:30:31,829
- Matilda, hey.
- Hey, Arch, what's up?

437
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,497
Nothing. I've just
been up for a few days,

438
00:30:33,581 --> 00:30:36,500
putting together these background
articles on Mugatu you asked for.

439
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:39,336
Wow! Very thorough, Archie. Thank you.

440
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:42,673
It's weird. I couldn't get
any info on him before 1995.

441
00:30:42,757 --> 00:30:44,007
It's like he just appeared out of the blue.

442
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,343
- Really? That's strange.
- Yeah.

443
00:30:48,012 --> 00:30:50,722
- Matilda Jeffries.
- Keep pulling the sweater.

444
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:54,434
- Excuse me?
- Eventually the thing will unravel.

445
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:59,231
You mean, if you pull the thread,
the whole thing will unravel?

446
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:02,985
Now you're talking, sister.
If you want to know more, go to Pier 12.

447
00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:05,237
Things aren't what they seem.

448
00:31:14,789 --> 00:31:16,957
What kind of spa is this?

449
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:23,130
It's designed for deep, deep relaxation.
Come, let's get you loosened up.

450
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:36,393
Good boy. Good boy.

451
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:37,561
Good boy.

452
00:32:06,674 --> 00:32:07,925
I'm sorry.

453
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:09,509
Derek?

454
00:32:11,387 --> 00:32:14,097
Matilda, what are you doing here?

455
00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:15,682
I was...

456
00:32:19,854 --> 00:32:23,106
What are you doing here, Derek?
I thought you quit the business.

457
00:32:23,441 --> 00:32:26,693
Haven't you heard? I'm the new face
of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

458
00:32:31,115 --> 00:32:33,825
What do you mean, Derek?
You said Mugatu never hires you.

459
00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:35,577
Well, I guess he changed his mind.

460
00:32:35,870 --> 00:32:38,163
It's only the biggest campaign
in the world. Ever.

461
00:32:38,373 --> 00:32:41,083
What is this? Who are you?

462
00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:43,418
This is private property. Nils!

463
00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:51,009
I suggest you and your Kmart
Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit,

464
00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:54,513
stay the hell away
from Derek Zoolander.

465
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:03,230
How do you feel, Derek?

466
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:06,858
Okay.

467
00:33:08,194 --> 00:33:09,778
When's the seaweed wrap?

468
00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:10,904
You shut up now.

469
00:33:11,572 --> 00:33:14,533
I want you to relax

470
00:33:15,201 --> 00:33:18,620
and breathe deeply.

471
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,917
Breathe deeply.

472
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:33,802
- I like this song.
- Of course you do.

473
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,265
Hello, Derek.

474
00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:40,058
Hello.

475
00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:43,020
Welcome to your relaxation time.

476
00:33:43,771 --> 00:33:48,316
Let this wonderful
'80s classic soothe you.

477
00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,403
Just a nice, warm, happy time.

478
00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:55,615
Happy, happy, happy.

479
00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:01,455
Nothing to worry about at all.

480
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:04,041
Just relax.

481
00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:08,712
Hey there, Derek.
My name is Lil' Kleatus.

482
00:34:09,672 --> 00:34:13,341
I'm just a kid who wants you to know
the real truth about child labor laws.

483
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:15,469
- Okay?
- Okay.

484
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:18,597
They're silly and outdated.
In the good old days,

485
00:34:18,681 --> 00:34:21,808
kids as young as five
could work as they pleased,

486
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:24,853
from textile factories to iron smelts.

487
00:34:24,937 --> 00:34:26,938
Yippee! Hooray!

488
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,068
But today, the age-old right
of children to work is under attack.

489
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:35,322
From the Philippines to Bangladesh,
in China and India,

490
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:37,324
and South America, too.

491
00:34:38,951 --> 00:34:41,453
But you can help these children, Derek,

492
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:44,498
by killing the prime minister of Malaysia.

493
00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:46,666
- He is bad.
- What?

494
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,836
You learn martial arts.

495
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:54,132
Prime minister of Malaysia bad!

496
00:34:54,217 --> 00:34:55,884
Martial arts good!

497
00:34:56,052 --> 00:35:00,514
Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man!
Kill naughty man!

498
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:02,724
Obey my dog!

499
00:35:02,975 --> 00:35:05,644
On the runway, you have one objective.

500
00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:10,273
Do not be distracted
by the beautiful celebrities.

501
00:35:12,693 --> 00:35:18,281
Do as you've been trained to do
and kill the Malaysian prime minister!

502
00:35:18,366 --> 00:35:22,202
Karate chop! Bad, man! Awful man!

503
00:35:22,286 --> 00:35:25,831
In your little blue suit
and your spiky black hair. Kill!

504
00:35:25,915 --> 00:35:28,542
You're a super-hot ninja machine!

505
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:41,054
- Derek, are you in there?
- Hold your horses!

506
00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:44,558
- Derek, please open the door!
- What a cuckoo dream.

507
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:45,642
Derek!

508
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,980
- What?
- Hey, are you okay?

509
00:35:50,064 --> 00:35:52,065
I've been trying to reach you for a week.

510
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,317
A week?
What, are you having a whack attack?

511
00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,528
I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

512
00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:58,363
That was last Friday.

513
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:01,366
Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa.

514
00:36:02,034 --> 00:36:06,413
Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

515
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:09,124
Look, I think I know what this is about,

516
00:36:09,208 --> 00:36:13,336
and I'm very complimented,
but not interested.

517
00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:16,756
- What?
- I can't sleep with you, okay?

518
00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:19,551
- My head is killing me and...
- What are you talking about?

519
00:36:19,635 --> 00:36:21,595
Okay, if you just want
to fool around a little bit...

520
00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:24,264
Hey, I don't want to sleep with you!

521
00:36:24,348 --> 00:36:26,516
I've been trying to tell you
you've been missing for a week.

522
00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:27,642
Would you look at the date.

523
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:30,729
Mugatu's Derelicte show
is tomorrow night.

524
00:36:30,813 --> 00:36:32,981
I don't care what the date says.

525
00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:37,611
You have 1,200 messages.

526
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,822
That is a bit above average.

527
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:44,117
- Derek, what happened in that spa?
- I don't know.

528
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:46,494
A little massage, some aromatherapy.

529
00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:50,332
I mean, look, lady, you can't just
come barging into people's lofts,

530
00:36:50,416 --> 00:36:52,417
wanting sex, then changing your mind,

531
00:36:52,501 --> 00:36:54,878
then telling them that they've been
in a day spa for a week.

532
00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:57,005
You have been in a day spa for a week.

533
00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:58,632
So what?

534
00:36:58,716 --> 00:37:01,885
Do you understand that the world
does not revolve around you,

535
00:37:01,969 --> 00:37:04,971
and your "do whatever it takes,
ruin as many people's lives,

536
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,891
"so long as you can make a name
for yourself as a investigatory journalist,

537
00:37:07,975 --> 00:37:09,434
"no matter how many friends you lose,

538
00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:12,187
"or people you leave dead
and bloodied along the way,

539
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:14,064
"just so long as you can
make a name for yourself

540
00:37:14,148 --> 00:37:15,315
"as an investigatory journalist,

541
00:37:15,399 --> 00:37:17,359
"no matter how many friends you lose,

542
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:21,154
"or people you leave dead and
bloodied and dying along the way"?

543
00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:25,325
Derek, I told you I was sorry
about that article.

544
00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:27,911
Enough! My head hurts!

545
00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:29,663
And if it indeed is
what day you claim it is,

546
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:32,707
I have a pre-runway party to attend,
if you'll excuse me.

547
00:37:36,170 --> 00:37:38,505
- By the way...
- What?

548
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:40,006
With your complexion,

549
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,175
you really shouldn't be wearing
your hair pulled back that tight.

550
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:44,094
What are you talking about?

551
00:37:44,178 --> 00:37:45,887
It pulls back the skin on your forehead,

552
00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:47,931
creating a tension
which clogs the pores.

553
00:37:48,015 --> 00:37:50,642
That's why you have some light
pattern dryness around your scalp.

554
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:53,019
Do you mind?

555
00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:03,446
Cool.

556
00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:19,796
I do not like snoopy reporter
with lack of fashion sense.

557
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,382
Not one little bit.

558
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,680
Hey, I just e-mailed you
all those NexisLexis searches,

559
00:38:28,764 --> 00:38:31,808
on the male models who've
appeared in Mugatu campaigns.

560
00:38:31,892 --> 00:38:35,270
It's pretty weird. It seems
like all of Mr. Mugatu's models

561
00:38:35,354 --> 00:38:38,648
have a bad habit of dying young
in freak accidents.

562
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:39,774
What?

563
00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:49,492
- Wait a second.
- What?

564
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:02,589
- Oh, shit. I gotta go.
- What's going on?

565
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,802
I don't want to hang out, okay?

566
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:10,388
I just need to speak
with Derek Zoolander, please!

567
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:13,683
I just thought the way you handled
losing that award to Hansel,

568
00:39:13,768 --> 00:39:16,478
and then you sort of laid low for a while,

569
00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:18,605
and then made your comeback...

570
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:20,523
It was so courageous.

571
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,776
Look, I gotta go pee,

572
00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:25,612
but I'd really like to continue
talking about this conversation

573
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:26,821
when I come back.

574
00:39:27,114 --> 00:39:28,156
Yeah.

575
00:39:30,493 --> 00:39:33,286
- Everything cool, Derek?
- It's great, Biff. Thank you.

576
00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:37,457
Hey, Derek. You rule.

577
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:39,918
Thanks, Paris. I appreciate that.

578
00:39:40,252 --> 00:39:43,171
- Hey, Derek.
- Hey, Maurice.

579
00:39:43,297 --> 00:39:46,049
- Hey, my man.
- What's happening?

580
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:49,219
Derek, back on top, man.

581
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:51,388
Thanks, Billy. You rock.

582
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,099
No, you rock. When are you gonna
drop Magnum on us, buddy?

583
00:39:54,308 --> 00:39:57,685
Not yet. Gotta tame the beast
before you let it out of its cage.

584
00:40:01,482 --> 00:40:04,651
- Excuse me, bra.
- You're excused.

585
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,740
And I'm not your bra.

586
00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:17,163
Whatever, dude. Whatever.
Peace. God bless.

587
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:21,501
Hey, Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't
get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

588
00:40:22,169 --> 00:40:23,378
Maybe next time.

589
00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:25,755
What's that?

590
00:40:26,006 --> 00:40:29,300
Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.
Sorry you didn't book it.

591
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:32,053
Oh, yeah? I've never even heard of it.

592
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:33,596
Me and my friends have been too busy

593
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,265
bathing off the southern coast
of St. Barts,

594
00:40:35,349 --> 00:40:37,016
with spider monkeys
for the past two weeks.

595
00:40:37,351 --> 00:40:40,186
Tripping on acid changed
our whole perspective on shit.

596
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:45,358
So I guess you can Dere-lick
my balls, cápitan.

597
00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:50,363
Would you hold this for me?

598
00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:55,869
I can Dere-lick my own balls,
thank you very much.

599
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:01,416
You think you're too cool for school.

600
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:05,211
But I got a news flash for you,
Walter Cronkite.

601
00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:11,009
You aren't.

602
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:18,057
Who are you trying
to get crazy with, ese?

603
00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:21,519
Don't you know I'm loco?

604
00:41:23,355 --> 00:41:25,398
Hey, I got a wacky idea.

605
00:41:27,359 --> 00:41:30,570
What say we settle this on the runway?

606
00:41:30,696 --> 00:41:34,115
Han-solo?

607
00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:43,082
Stop it.

608
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,961
Are you challenging me to a walk-off

609
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:49,214
Boo-lander?

610
00:41:50,424 --> 00:41:52,342
Don't do this, Derek.

611
00:41:52,468 --> 00:41:54,260
Listen to your friend Billy Zane.

612
00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:59,432
He's a cool dude.
He's trying to help you out.

613
00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:03,603
Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off
challenge, my friend.

614
00:42:08,275 --> 00:42:11,110
Ten minutes.
Old Members Only warehouse.

615
00:42:11,195 --> 00:42:13,321
You oughta remember that.
You're a dinosaur.

616
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:15,114
Let's go. Open up.

617
00:42:19,703 --> 00:42:22,413
I heard some mad stories about this kid.
He's limber. He's too limber.

618
00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:24,582
Put a cork in it, Zane!

619
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:29,587
It's a walk-off. Walk-off.

620
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,799
This is urgent, ma'am.
Do you have any...

621
00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:37,428
Derek? Derek! Derek!

622
00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:38,555
Hey, Matilda.

623
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,723
What is this? Where is everyone going?

624
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:43,059
Good luck, Derek! Kick Hansel's ass!

625
00:42:43,143 --> 00:42:44,769
Thanks, Rico. I'll try.

626
00:42:45,354 --> 00:42:47,230
You want to see the real world
of male modelling?

627
00:42:47,314 --> 00:42:50,066
The one they don't show you
in magazines or the E! channel?

628
00:42:50,150 --> 00:42:52,569
Yeah, I guess. Derek, please.

629
00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:54,737
I have something really important
to talk to you about.

630
00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:56,072
Not now, Matilda.

631
00:42:56,156 --> 00:42:58,866
Han-sell-out is about to have
his Han-sell-ass

632
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:02,370
handed to him on a platter
with french-fried potatoes.

633
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:05,123
Katinka, thought you might
want to know,

634
00:43:05,207 --> 00:43:07,417
your boy Zoolander's rolling.

635
00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:08,960
It's a walk-off.

636
00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,943
All right, who's gonna call this sucker?

637
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:35,528
If nobody has any objections,

638
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:39,032
I believe I might be of service.

639
00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:49,375
Now, this'll be a straight walk-off,
old school rules.

640
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,337
First model walks,
second model duplicates,

641
00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:53,713
then elaborates.

642
00:43:54,381 --> 00:43:56,716
Okay, boys, let's go to work.

643
00:43:57,176 --> 00:43:59,302
Age before beauty, goat cheese.

644
00:43:59,386 --> 00:44:00,720
Whatever.

645
00:44:04,141 --> 00:44:05,141
Right.

646
00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:36,756
Playskool, baby.

647
00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:09,539
You got to cut me. I can't see.
I'm blind out there.

648
00:45:09,623 --> 00:45:10,623
Evian. Evian.

649
00:45:14,044 --> 00:45:15,670
It's okay. It's okay.

650
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:30,977
- Where am I? Where am I?
- It's okay.

651
00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:34,856
- Kickin', Hoss.
- I'm going monk.

652
00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:39,402
I got to go monk. Prayer. Prayer.

653
00:45:39,486 --> 00:45:40,695
Pray to the Great Spirit.

654
00:45:56,837 --> 00:45:59,672
Do it, Hansel. Just do it. Do it, Hansel.

655
00:46:02,176 --> 00:46:04,510
Why is he sticking his hand
in his pants?

656
00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:08,681
Do it, Hansel.

657
00:46:28,076 --> 00:46:29,285
That's what I'm talking about.

658
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:33,706
Derek, you're not a kid anymore.
You could hurt yourself out there.

659
00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:38,002
I can do this, Tyson.

660
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,057
Thank God I wore underwear today.

661
00:46:59,983 --> 00:47:01,108
He's going for it.

662
00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:24,257
Oh, my God.

663
00:47:34,268 --> 00:47:35,601
Disqualified.

664
00:47:42,985 --> 00:47:44,193
Derek, come on. Come on.

665
00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:45,945
Come on.

666
00:47:46,405 --> 00:47:48,030
What's going on?

667
00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:50,157
I think Katinka wants to kill you.

668
00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:54,912
Good. I deserve to die if I can't
beat Han-suck-ass in a walk-off.

669
00:47:55,747 --> 00:47:57,164
Derek, that's not true.

670
00:47:57,791 --> 00:48:00,585
The guy had to miraculously
pull his underwear out of his butt

671
00:48:00,669 --> 00:48:01,919
just to beat you.

672
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,799
And all he had to do was turn left.

673
00:48:09,177 --> 00:48:10,845
What do you mean?

674
00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:12,972
I'm not an ambi-turner.

675
00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:16,642
It's a problem I had since I was a baby.

676
00:48:17,644 --> 00:48:19,020
I can't turn left.

677
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:22,982
Derek, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

678
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:26,235
I'm sure there are a lot of people
out there who can't turn...

679
00:48:30,073 --> 00:48:32,867
I mean, there have got to be
some people out there,

680
00:48:32,951 --> 00:48:35,620
just like you, who can't turn...

681
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:38,789
Turn left.

682
00:48:40,876 --> 00:48:41,918
Hello.

683
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:44,712
If you want answers,
come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now.

684
00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:46,756
Wait! Wait! Wait! Who are you?

685
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:48,466
Who was that?

686
00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:51,761
I'm not sure.
I have to get to Saint Adonis Cemetery.

687
00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:53,262
Listen, I'm gonna take you
to my apartment, okay?

688
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:55,056
You can stay there until I get back.

689
00:48:55,307 --> 00:48:56,807
Can I come with?

690
00:48:57,809 --> 00:48:59,727
I don't want to be alone tonight.

691
00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,658
Pedro Scialfa.

692
00:49:15,369 --> 00:49:17,244
He died when he was 29.

693
00:49:20,707 --> 00:49:22,416
Vin Correjo.

694
00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:26,837
"Derriere Extraordinaire. "

695
00:49:30,842 --> 00:49:33,552
92 minus 63.

696
00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:36,389
None of them ever made it past 30.

697
00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:38,808
I did.

698
00:49:40,435 --> 00:49:41,477
Who are you?

699
00:49:42,896 --> 00:49:44,146
It's not important.

700
00:49:44,606 --> 00:49:46,065
Are you a ghost?

701
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,194
He called, Derek.

702
00:49:51,113 --> 00:49:52,571
Let's take a walk.

703
00:49:53,407 --> 00:49:57,076
You think Zoolander's in trouble?
Think again.

704
00:49:57,452 --> 00:50:00,538
What you've stumbled upon goes way
deeper than you could ever fathom.

705
00:50:01,081 --> 00:50:03,124
The fashion industry has been behind,

706
00:50:03,208 --> 00:50:07,420
every major political assassination
over the last 200 years.

707
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:11,924
And behind every hit,
a card-carrying male model.

708
00:50:12,300 --> 00:50:13,843
Okay, that's impossible.

709
00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:16,721
Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness.

710
00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:19,640
Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish
slavery, right?

711
00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:21,183
But who do you think made
the powdered wigs

712
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:24,311
and colored leg stockings,
worn by our country's early leaders?

713
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:27,398
Mugatu!

714
00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:30,860
Slaves, Derek.

715
00:50:32,654 --> 00:50:36,449
Without their free labor, prices on
such items would have gone up tenfold.

716
00:50:36,616 --> 00:50:39,493
So the powers that be
hired John Wilkes Booth,

717
00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:42,955
the original model/actor,
to do Mr. Lincoln in.

718
00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:46,083
I'll go on.

719
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:49,211
Dallas, Texas, 1963.

720
00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,881
Kennedy had just put
a trade embargo on Cuba,

721
00:50:51,965 --> 00:50:55,634
ostensibly halting the shipment
of Cuban-manufactured slacks.

722
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:57,470
Incredibly popular item at the time.

723
00:50:57,804 --> 00:50:59,972
Lee Harvey Oswald
was not a male model.

724
00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:01,098
You're God damn right he wasn't.

725
00:51:01,183 --> 00:51:02,725
But those two lookers
who capped Kennedy

726
00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:04,685
from the grassy knoll sure as shit were.

727
00:51:06,396 --> 00:51:07,730
Well, what about you?

728
00:51:07,814 --> 00:51:09,398
How do you fit in to all this?

729
00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:11,275
This nation was swept...

730
00:51:12,235 --> 00:51:13,611
I'll get it, ma'am.

731
00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:21,494
I can't get over...

732
00:51:21,828 --> 00:51:22,953
Wait a minute.

733
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:26,999
- No.
- I know that hand.

734
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:32,171
It was in the fall 1973
Bulova watch catalogue.

735
00:51:34,174 --> 00:51:35,424
You're J.P. Prewitt.

736
00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,220
The world's greatest hand model.

737
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:44,683
Once upon a time. But things change.

738
00:51:45,310 --> 00:51:47,228
Thanks to this homemade
hyperbaric chamber,

739
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:49,063
my sweet baby never did.

740
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:52,983
Let's keep moving.

741
00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:57,279
And that's when I found out I was in line
to assassinate Jimmy Carter.

742
00:51:57,364 --> 00:52:00,491
- So, how did you manage to escape?
- Because I'm a hand model, mama.

743
00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:03,077
A finger jockey.
We don't think the same way

744
00:52:03,161 --> 00:52:05,246
as the face and body boys do.

745
00:52:05,330 --> 00:52:08,582
- We're a different breed.
- So why male models?

746
00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:10,084
Think about it, Derek.

747
00:52:10,877 --> 00:52:14,171
Male models are genetically
constructed to become assassins.

748
00:52:14,589 --> 00:52:16,215
They're in peak physical condition.

749
00:52:19,010 --> 00:52:22,054
They can gain entry to
the most secure places in the world.

750
00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:27,726
And most important of all,
models don't think for themselves.

751
00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:31,021
- They do as they're told.
- That is not true.

752
00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:33,232
- Yes, it is, Derek.
- Okay.

753
00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:37,403
Yeah. Think about any photo shoot
you've ever been on.

754
00:52:38,655 --> 00:52:40,906
You're a monkey, Derek!
You're a monkey.

755
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,909
Dance, monkey,
in your little spangly shoes!

756
00:52:43,994 --> 00:52:46,579
Mash your cymbals, chimpy!
Dance, Derek, dance!

757
00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,123
Good point.

758
00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:51,959
But if this has been going on
for so long, Mugatu...

759
00:52:52,043 --> 00:52:53,919
He's just a punk-ass errand boy,

760
00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:56,505
working for an international
syndicate of fashion designers.

761
00:52:56,965 --> 00:52:59,717
You do a little background check
on your Mr. Mugatu.

762
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:03,888
You'll find that he sold his soul to
the devil for a shot at the big time.

763
00:53:05,015 --> 00:53:06,432
But why male models?

764
00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:14,940
Are you serious? I just...
I just told you that a moment ago.

765
00:53:15,650 --> 00:53:16,692
Right.

766
00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:20,112
You're a killing machine, Derek.
They've programed you.

767
00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:22,031
But I won't do it. I won't kill anybody.

768
00:53:22,115 --> 00:53:23,324
It's not up to you.

769
00:53:23,408 --> 00:53:25,242
At the proper moment,
they'll trigger you,

770
00:53:25,327 --> 00:53:27,036
usually using some kind of auditory

771
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,246
or visual Pavlovian
response mechanism.

772
00:53:29,331 --> 00:53:31,957
- "Audi-what-ey"?
- And when it's over...

773
00:53:34,211 --> 00:53:35,211
What?

774
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:38,297
There's an after party?

775
00:53:40,133 --> 00:53:41,425
Derek, get down!

776
00:53:44,679 --> 00:53:47,139
You got to get to
Maury Ballstein's computer.

777
00:53:47,557 --> 00:53:51,644
He recorded everything
in case they ever turned on him.

778
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:56,065
Derek, get a grip! Get a grip!

779
00:53:56,149 --> 00:54:00,569
Good luck to you, Derek.
I've always been a fan of Blue Steel.

780
00:54:01,363 --> 00:54:03,697
And I hear Magnum
is gonna blow us all away.

781
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:06,033
Come on!

782
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:09,787
- Get out of here.
- Hang in there, J.P.

783
00:54:11,873 --> 00:54:13,332
You freakin' idiot!

784
00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:19,505
Man, that was close.

785
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:21,924
I can't believe Maury's in on it, too.

786
00:54:22,008 --> 00:54:24,343
That she-male Katinka's
not messing around.

787
00:54:24,427 --> 00:54:26,053
You're telling me! For a second there,

788
00:54:26,137 --> 00:54:28,389
I thought someone was gonna
be reading our "eugoogoly. "

789
00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:30,808
Okay, all right, we need a place to hide.

790
00:54:30,892 --> 00:54:33,602
Derek, where's the last place anyone
would ever expect to look for you?

791
00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:35,229
I don't know.

792
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:37,606
Think, okay? This is important!

793
00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:44,613
I hate Hansel!

794
00:54:44,698 --> 00:54:48,033
Hansel, Hansel! Everywhere I look!
Hansel! Hansel, Hansel!

795
00:54:58,128 --> 00:54:59,753
Were you looking for a rematch?

796
00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:01,964
Excuse me, Hansel.

797
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,966
I don't think there's an easy way
to put this,

798
00:55:04,050 --> 00:55:05,676
so I am just gonna lay it out.

799
00:55:06,052 --> 00:55:08,846
Derek has been brainwashed

800
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,474
to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.

801
00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:14,518
And?

802
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:19,148
And we need a place to hide
until we figure this whole thing out.

803
00:55:19,232 --> 00:55:21,025
Derek said this would probably be

804
00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:23,068
the last place
anyone would look for him.

805
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:26,864
Yeah, you're cool to hide here.

806
00:55:27,907 --> 00:55:30,242
But first, me and him
got to straighten some shit out.

807
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:33,370
Fine.

808
00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:37,082
Why you been acting
so messed up towards me?

809
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:41,170
Why you been acting
so messed up towards me?

810
00:55:47,385 --> 00:55:48,761
Well, you go first.

811
00:55:50,013 --> 00:55:52,014
I don't know. Maybe I felt
a little threatened or something,

812
00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:55,059
'cause your career
is, kind of, just blossoming,

813
00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:57,853
and mine's, kind of,
winding down or whatever.

814
00:55:57,937 --> 00:56:00,606
And I felt like,
"This guy's really hurting me,"

815
00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,275
and it hurt.

816
00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,697
And I felt like when you told me
to Dere-lick my balls,

817
00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,115
that really hurt.

818
00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:13,827
Maybe I was scared, man.
You're Derek Zoolander!

819
00:56:15,580 --> 00:56:17,664
Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander.

820
00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:19,375
You know what it's like
to be another model

821
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,919
and be in Derek Zoolander's shadow?

822
00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:28,092
You want to hear something crazy?

823
00:56:31,304 --> 00:56:33,389
Your work

824
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:37,142
in the winter '95
International Male catalogue

825
00:56:42,857 --> 00:56:44,817
made me want to be a model.

826
00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:50,656
I freakin' worship you, man.

827
00:56:53,576 --> 00:56:55,077
I'm sorry I was whack.

828
00:56:55,703 --> 00:56:57,162
I was whack.

829
00:56:57,664 --> 00:56:59,081
I was whack.

830
00:57:08,550 --> 00:57:10,050
So welcome to chez Hansel.

831
00:57:10,301 --> 00:57:12,219
You're welcome to hide out here
as long as you want.

832
00:57:12,303 --> 00:57:14,805
Well, there isn't much time.
The show's tomorrow night.

833
00:57:14,889 --> 00:57:16,640
We have to figure out a plan by then.

834
00:57:18,351 --> 00:57:20,602
I'll round up the troops here.

835
00:57:20,979 --> 00:57:23,939
Hey, what's up, y'all?
This is Derek and Matilda.

836
00:57:24,357 --> 00:57:26,316
Derek, you know Natani and Chloe.

837
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:27,443
Hi!

838
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:31,029
We got Buzzy Sullivan,
big wave surfer from Maverick's.

839
00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:32,114
Hey, bra.

840
00:57:32,198 --> 00:57:34,533
This is this fantastic band,
the Little Kings,

841
00:57:34,617 --> 00:57:36,827
I met when I was ice sailing in Finland.

842
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,371
That's my Sherpa, Lapsang.

843
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:42,040
Okay, so, hey, everybody!
Listen up for a second.

844
00:57:43,668 --> 00:57:46,545
Derek and Matilda are in hiding
'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek,

845
00:57:46,629 --> 00:57:48,714
to off the prime minister of Micronesia.

846
00:57:48,798 --> 00:57:50,632
- Malaysia.
- Right.

847
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,093
So, they're gonna be hiding here
for a little while.

848
00:57:53,178 --> 00:57:54,386
Let's show them a good time.

849
00:57:54,596 --> 00:57:56,930
- Right on!
- All right, come on, over here.

850
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:59,391
Hey, Ennui, will you do me a favor?

851
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:01,435
Will you get me some of that tea
that me and Lapsang got,

852
00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:03,103
when we were free climbing
the Mayan ruins?

853
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:13,030
This... This is really strong tea.

854
00:58:14,365 --> 00:58:16,158
No, it's just right. Trust me.

855
00:58:16,242 --> 00:58:18,911
What with all the intrigue
you guys have been dealing with.

856
00:58:19,662 --> 00:58:23,665
You know, Matilda, I'm surprised
you're so worried about "Der-rock. "

857
00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:26,960
From that article that I read,
it seems like

858
00:58:27,045 --> 00:58:29,755
you don't really care too much
about guys in our line of work.

859
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:33,050
Why do you hate models, Matilda?

860
00:58:34,260 --> 00:58:36,553
- Honestly?
- Yes.

861
00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:42,893
I think they're vain, stupid
and incredibly self-centered.

862
00:58:43,978 --> 00:58:45,562
I totally agree with you.

863
00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:49,942
But how do you feel
about male models?

864
00:58:50,276 --> 00:58:51,485
Sweet.

865
00:58:53,947 --> 00:58:58,116
No, no! Okay, but seriously, Matil.
Is it all right if I call you Matil?

866
00:59:00,161 --> 00:59:01,870
What's the deal, yo-yo?

867
00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:04,414
'Cause you're not telling us
the whole story.

868
00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:06,458
There's something else, isn't there?

869
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,835
You guys really want to know the truth?

870
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:12,297
- Yeah.
- Okay, then I'm gonna tell you the truth.

871
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:19,888
When I was in seventh grade,
I was the fat kid in my class.

872
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,353
All right, forget it.

873
00:59:26,938 --> 00:59:29,356
- No.
- Dude, be cool tonight. Come on.

874
00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:31,900
I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.
My mistake.

875
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:35,904
I was the one that
all the pretty girls used to make fun of.

876
00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:38,824
It was an awkward phase.

877
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:43,036
Anyway,

878
00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:45,872
every day after school,
I would come home and...

879
00:59:46,958 --> 00:59:51,211
You know, I'd flip through the pages
of my mom's Vogue and Glamour.

880
00:59:51,296 --> 00:59:54,464
And I just...

881
00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:55,924
I'd look at these women,

882
00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:59,845
these perfect, beautiful,

883
01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:03,473
just unbelievable, skinny women.

884
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,809
I just couldn't...

885
01:00:05,893 --> 01:00:08,854
Oh, I couldn't understand
why I didn't look like them.

886
01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:12,899
I... I just didn't get it. So...

887
01:00:15,778 --> 01:00:18,989
So I became...

888
01:00:22,702 --> 01:00:23,702
What?

889
01:00:26,789 --> 01:00:28,165
Bulimic.

890
01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:32,544
You can read minds?

891
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:43,555
It's when you throw up after every meal.

892
01:00:45,558 --> 01:00:48,560
See, you know what? This is exactly
what you models do to people.

893
01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:50,812
You make them feel bad
about themselves.

894
01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:51,897
Matilda...

895
01:00:52,857 --> 01:00:54,316
Matilda, it's just...

896
01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:59,404
So what? I throw up after lots of meals.

897
01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:03,241
So do I. It's a great way
to lose pounds before a show.

898
01:01:03,868 --> 01:01:07,079
Are you guys insane?
Do you understand that it's a disease.

899
01:01:07,163 --> 01:01:10,874
Wow. How did that affect you with guys?
Did they not want to get busy with you?

900
01:01:10,958 --> 01:01:13,335
- Good point.
- Okay. You know what?

901
01:01:13,419 --> 01:01:18,048
I'm not gonna sit here with both of you
and discuss my sex life or...

902
01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:22,719
Or lack thereof.

903
01:01:24,555 --> 01:01:27,140
You mean, like, like you, like you...

904
01:01:27,225 --> 01:01:28,892
- Haven't really...
- You haven't...

905
01:01:28,976 --> 01:01:31,770
- Done it...
- Done it in a while, yeah.

906
01:01:32,063 --> 01:01:34,606
Okay, what's a while? Like, eight days?

907
01:01:36,984 --> 01:01:38,110
More?

908
01:01:40,238 --> 01:01:43,073
Try a couple years.

909
01:01:43,157 --> 01:01:45,409
Oh, snap!

910
01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:48,453
How do you live? How do you live?

911
01:01:48,538 --> 01:01:51,289
Seriously. Do you service yourself
ten times a day?

912
01:01:52,041 --> 01:01:54,626
- End of discussion!
- Easy. Okay, hold on.

913
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:56,211
- Easy, easy.
- I'm not comfortable talking,

914
01:01:56,295 --> 01:01:57,963
- Easy. Easy.
- This is...

915
01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:01,299
This has been an emotional day
for all of us.

916
01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,473
I think we should get naked.

917
01:02:08,558 --> 01:02:09,558
What?

918
01:02:09,892 --> 01:02:11,643
Don't ask questions.

919
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:14,896
Just give in to the power of the tea.

920
01:02:58,024 --> 01:02:59,941
So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius,

921
01:03:00,026 --> 01:03:03,028
when suddenly I slip and I start to fall.

922
01:03:03,112 --> 01:03:05,030
I mean, I'm about to die.
Hot bread, Zeke.

923
01:03:06,032 --> 01:03:09,493
Just falling. I'll never forget the terror.

924
01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:13,246
When suddenly I remember,
"Holy shit. Hansel,

925
01:03:13,331 --> 01:03:16,082
"haven't you been smoking peyote
for six straight days?

926
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:18,960
"And couldn't some of this,
maybe, be in your mind?"

927
01:03:19,045 --> 01:03:20,378
And?

928
01:03:21,631 --> 01:03:24,132
It was. I was totally fine.

929
01:03:24,383 --> 01:03:26,343
I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

930
01:03:27,762 --> 01:03:29,262
Cool story, Hansel.

931
01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:30,722
Thanks, Olaf.

932
01:03:32,308 --> 01:03:34,643
Dude, how dope was last night?

933
01:03:34,727 --> 01:03:37,062
I mean, the soil room. Dirt was flying.

934
01:03:37,146 --> 01:03:39,648
You couldn't see anything.
It was like, who's that?

935
01:03:39,732 --> 01:03:42,651
- Who's this?
- I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel.

936
01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:46,071
Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything,

937
01:03:46,155 --> 01:03:49,407
but it was crazy energy flying
back and forth between you guys.

938
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:51,076
It was like, look out!

939
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:52,786
There was a moment last night,

940
01:03:52,870 --> 01:03:55,121
when she was sandwiched between
the two Finnish dwarves

941
01:03:55,206 --> 01:03:56,289
and the Maori tribesman...

942
01:03:58,000 --> 01:03:59,543
- Yeah.
- ... where I thought,

943
01:03:59,752 --> 01:04:04,422
"Wow, I could really spend the rest
of my life with this woman. "

944
01:04:05,758 --> 01:04:06,758
Really?

945
01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:09,261
What do you call that?

946
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:12,055
I think you call that love, D-Bone.

947
01:04:12,765 --> 01:04:13,765
Hey!

948
01:04:16,686 --> 01:04:17,686
Hey!

949
01:04:17,770 --> 01:04:19,437
So what time is it?

950
01:04:19,772 --> 01:04:22,023
- Almost 5:00.
- What?

951
01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:24,860
Hey, guys, that show is in three hours.

952
01:04:24,944 --> 01:04:28,071
Derek is dead unless
we get that evidence. Do you guys...

953
01:04:28,155 --> 01:04:32,450
Easy. How about a
"Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel.

954
01:04:32,994 --> 01:04:35,036
"Thanks for the freak fest last night"?

955
01:04:37,790 --> 01:04:39,791
- Hello?
- Hello?

956
01:04:41,127 --> 01:04:42,335
Hi, Katinka.

957
01:04:43,379 --> 01:04:45,964
No, I just had a really late
party night last night.

958
01:04:46,048 --> 01:04:48,842
- Derek, hang up the phone now!
- Where am I?

959
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:49,885
- Look, I have to go!
- Hang up!

960
01:04:49,969 --> 01:04:51,469
But I'll see you at 7:00. Okay, bye.

961
01:04:51,554 --> 01:04:54,097
Derek, I thought I told you
to turn off your phone.

962
01:04:54,849 --> 01:04:56,474
Turn off my phone?

963
01:04:58,311 --> 01:04:59,895
Turn off my phone?

964
01:04:59,979 --> 01:05:01,897
- Yeah.
- Earth to Matilda.

965
01:05:01,981 --> 01:05:04,691
This phone is as much
a part of me as...

966
01:05:04,775 --> 01:05:08,612
You know what? Can we just cut it out
with all the "Earth to's", please?

967
01:05:08,696 --> 01:05:11,615
We're not actually saying
this is the Earth calling you, Matilda.

968
01:05:11,699 --> 01:05:15,118
Yeah. No, I got that.
I understand you don't literally mean...

969
01:05:15,202 --> 01:05:17,078
No, I don't think you do.

970
01:05:17,496 --> 01:05:21,082
Listen. It's not like we think that
we're actually in a control tower,

971
01:05:21,167 --> 01:05:24,586
trying to reach outer space
aliens or something, okay?

972
01:05:24,754 --> 01:05:25,795
Hello.

973
01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:28,423
Hello.

974
01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:32,510
- Oh, snap!
- A joke.

975
01:05:33,220 --> 01:05:34,679
Okay, you know what?

976
01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:38,183
Instead of doing that, I'm gonna try
to figure out a way into Maury's,

977
01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:40,518
before Derek assassinates
a world leader.

978
01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:44,272
Wait a minute.

979
01:05:45,191 --> 01:05:46,524
I might just have an idea.

980
01:05:47,902 --> 01:05:50,153
They'll be looking for us
at Maury's, right?

981
01:05:50,988 --> 01:05:52,697
But they won't be looking for...

982
01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:55,951
Not us.

983
01:05:56,535 --> 01:05:58,328
Derek, what are you talking about?

984
01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:01,456
Hansel, do you have a cosmetics case?

985
01:06:01,540 --> 01:06:04,459
Sure, I mean,
just for touch-ups or whatever.

986
01:06:04,543 --> 01:06:06,044
What are you gonna do with that?

987
01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:09,464
That'll do. Early in my career,

988
01:06:09,548 --> 01:06:11,800
I used to do my own makeup
styling and tailoring.

989
01:06:11,884 --> 01:06:14,052
If I can create a basic disguise for us,

990
01:06:14,136 --> 01:06:16,638
we may just be able to
sneak into Maury's, undetected.

991
01:06:17,890 --> 01:06:21,017
You is talkin' loco and I like it.

992
01:06:42,581 --> 01:06:45,041
Welcome to Derelicte.

993
01:06:45,126 --> 01:06:47,419
Welcome to Derelicte.

994
01:06:47,503 --> 01:06:49,671
Welcome to Derelicte.

995
01:06:52,383 --> 01:06:54,009
Hansel calling Matil.
Hansel calling Matil.

996
01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,135
We have entry. Repeat.

997
01:06:55,219 --> 01:06:57,178
- We have entry.
- Okay, guys. I hear you.

998
01:06:57,263 --> 01:07:00,015
Now, once you get the info,
I want you to e-mail it to my office

999
01:07:00,099 --> 01:07:01,349
and I'll download the files,

1000
01:07:01,434 --> 01:07:03,685
we'll rendezvous
and take the information to the police.

1001
01:07:03,769 --> 01:07:05,103
We hear you loud and clear.

1002
01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:08,815
Listen, Matil.

1003
01:07:09,442 --> 01:07:11,776
I've been thinking a lot
about that bulimia thing.

1004
01:07:12,278 --> 01:07:15,780
And I want you to know I understand
where you're coming from.

1005
01:07:16,574 --> 01:07:19,951
I feel really bad that
good-looking people like us,

1006
01:07:20,036 --> 01:07:22,203
made you throw up
and feel bad about yourself.

1007
01:07:23,122 --> 01:07:24,330
For serious.

1008
01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:28,710
- Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up.
- Okay.

1009
01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:31,421
Hey, I finally got the results

1010
01:07:31,505 --> 01:07:34,382
on the name check you asked for
on Jacobim Mugatu.

1011
01:07:34,467 --> 01:07:37,260
- Or should I say Jacob Moogberg.
- What?

1012
01:07:37,344 --> 01:07:39,804
He changed his name
when he went into the fashion business.

1013
01:07:40,014 --> 01:07:42,682
Apparently, the guy was
the original guitar synth player,

1014
01:07:42,767 --> 01:07:44,392
for that band
Frankie Goes to Hollywood,

1015
01:07:44,477 --> 01:07:45,935
but he got kicked out,
before they hit it big

1016
01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:47,729
with that song Relax.

1017
01:07:47,813 --> 01:07:49,731
After the Frankie folks
gave him the heave-ho,

1018
01:07:49,815 --> 01:07:52,067
he held a series of odd jobs until,

1019
01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:56,488
get this, he invented
the piano-key necktie in 1985.

1020
01:07:56,947 --> 01:07:58,990
The guy's been
a fashion designer ever since.

1021
01:08:04,747 --> 01:08:06,164
First obstacle.

1022
01:08:10,127 --> 01:08:11,878
You ever use one of these?

1023
01:08:11,962 --> 01:08:13,379
I don't think so.

1024
01:08:15,216 --> 01:08:18,009
Watch out. Watch...
Fix that hem, Jason.

1025
01:08:18,135 --> 01:08:20,303
Please. I need... Katinka!

1026
01:08:21,180 --> 01:08:22,889
He's not here yet, Jacobim.

1027
01:08:22,973 --> 01:08:26,101
- That little toad-face better show.
- He will show.

1028
01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:29,104
Good, because
I'm a hot little potato right now.

1029
01:08:31,190 --> 01:08:33,399
There must be
an "on" button somewhere.

1030
01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,568
Did you press that apple thing?

1031
01:09:22,992 --> 01:09:24,576
Wait! Hansel!

1032
01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:26,578
Let's not lose our cool.

1033
01:09:26,662 --> 01:09:28,121
Then we're no better than the machine.

1034
01:09:30,541 --> 01:09:32,667
It's almost 7:00. I got to go.

1035
01:09:32,751 --> 01:09:35,170
No! Derek. Der, wait.

1036
01:09:35,254 --> 01:09:37,589
If you go, they'll make you kill
that Eurasian dude.

1037
01:09:37,673 --> 01:09:40,800
I don't care, Hansel. I've never
been late for a show in my life.

1038
01:09:41,177 --> 01:09:42,760
I don't plan on starting now.

1039
01:09:43,387 --> 01:09:44,804
Damn it, you're right.

1040
01:09:45,681 --> 01:09:47,515
Do me a favor.

1041
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,101
If anything happens to me,
I want you to give this to Matilda.

1042
01:09:50,394 --> 01:09:53,688
- No.
- Please, Hansel. Take it. Please.

1043
01:09:53,772 --> 01:09:55,732
- Man.
- Take it.

1044
01:09:58,027 --> 01:10:02,113
Let's just say I'll hold on
to it till you get back.

1045
01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,574
Go! Go!

1046
01:10:05,367 --> 01:10:07,493
We're live at the Derelicte show,

1047
01:10:07,578 --> 01:10:10,038
where controversial designer
Jacobim Mugatu,

1048
01:10:10,122 --> 01:10:11,539
has extended the olive branch

1049
01:10:11,624 --> 01:10:13,750
to the Malaysian
Prime Minister Hassan,

1050
01:10:13,834 --> 01:10:16,044
making him the guest of honor
at tonight's show.

1051
01:10:16,128 --> 01:10:19,839
And starring in that show,
veteran supermodel Derek Zoolander.

1052
01:10:23,093 --> 01:10:26,512
Guys, what's happening?
Did you find the files?

1053
01:10:26,597 --> 01:10:27,931
Matilda, we've got problems.

1054
01:10:28,140 --> 01:10:29,849
Derek's already left for the show.

1055
01:10:29,934 --> 01:10:32,560
No. No, he can't.
We don't even know what the trigger is.

1056
01:10:32,645 --> 01:10:35,188
He just went running out of here.
I couldn't stop him.

1057
01:10:35,648 --> 01:10:38,107
- I'll call him on his phone.
- He doesn't have it.

1058
01:10:38,192 --> 01:10:40,151
- What?
- Yeah, he doesn't have it.

1059
01:10:40,236 --> 01:10:42,403
What are you talking about?
He always has it.

1060
01:10:42,488 --> 01:10:45,740
- No, he gave it to me.
- Did you find the files?

1061
01:10:45,824 --> 01:10:47,992
I don't even know what they...
What do they look like?

1062
01:10:48,077 --> 01:10:49,577
They're in the computer.

1063
01:10:49,662 --> 01:10:51,871
They're in the computer?

1064
01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:55,083
Yeah, they're definitely in there.
I just don't know how he labelled them.

1065
01:10:55,167 --> 01:10:57,502
- I got it.
- You got to figure it out.

1066
01:10:57,670 --> 01:10:59,128
We're running out of time, Hansel,

1067
01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:01,422
you got to find them
and meet me at the show.

1068
01:11:01,507 --> 01:11:02,840
Roger.

1069
01:11:04,009 --> 01:11:05,843
In the computer.

1070
01:11:06,679 --> 01:11:08,346
It's so simple.

1071
01:11:09,181 --> 01:11:12,350
Hey, I just cut up
a couple of cantaloupe halves,

1072
01:11:12,434 --> 01:11:14,185
with some cottage cheese,
if you're hungry.

1073
01:11:14,270 --> 01:11:16,854
Not the right time.
I need to figure out this trigger

1074
01:11:16,939 --> 01:11:19,440
before Derek kills
the Malaysian prime minister.

1075
01:11:19,525 --> 01:11:22,277
You just seem a little tense.
I was trying to help you relax.

1076
01:11:22,361 --> 01:11:25,571
Relax? The last thing
I need to do right now is...

1077
01:11:28,325 --> 01:11:30,118
- That's it.
- Let's go, people!

1078
01:11:30,202 --> 01:11:33,621
Let's go! Vagrants and whores,
you're wanted in Makeup!

1079
01:11:33,706 --> 01:11:35,665
Runaways and street hustlers,
you're next!

1080
01:11:36,041 --> 01:11:38,751
- You had us worried, Derek.
- Everything's cool.

1081
01:11:38,836 --> 01:11:41,754
- I'm really super psyched for the show.
- Good.

1082
01:11:42,214 --> 01:11:45,550
Just remember, relax.

1083
01:11:46,343 --> 01:11:47,593
Two minutes, Derek.

1084
01:11:49,555 --> 01:11:51,055
There he is.

1085
01:11:51,724 --> 01:11:54,475
I just want to wish you good luck.

1086
01:11:55,644 --> 01:11:57,478
Don't you mean "Good-bye"?

1087
01:11:58,022 --> 01:11:59,355
What are you talking?

1088
01:12:03,569 --> 01:12:05,528
I know it was you, Maury.

1089
01:12:05,612 --> 01:12:07,196
I know it was you,

1090
01:12:07,573 --> 01:12:08,990
and it breaks my heart.

1091
01:12:09,783 --> 01:12:11,617
Derek, I don't know what you're talking.

1092
01:12:14,538 --> 01:12:17,040
Derek, I'm...

1093
01:12:19,626 --> 01:12:20,918
I'm sorry.

1094
01:12:28,260 --> 01:12:29,969
Glad you could join us, Kmart.

1095
01:12:31,263 --> 01:12:33,389
Lucky for you, there is no dress code.

1096
01:12:35,267 --> 01:12:37,685
I am vile spew

1097
01:12:37,770 --> 01:12:39,604
of the wretched masses.

1098
01:12:39,938 --> 01:12:44,108
I am really, really dirty.

1099
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:47,153
I am Derelicte!

1100
01:13:01,960 --> 01:13:04,003
You make me sick
to my stomach, Jaco.

1101
01:13:05,756 --> 01:13:07,590
It'll all be over soon.

1102
01:13:07,674 --> 01:13:10,718
Derek Zoolander will be dead
and you'll be fine.

1103
01:13:11,553 --> 01:13:12,970
You always are.

1104
01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:14,180
Come on, Derek. You're on.

1105
01:13:16,934 --> 01:13:18,476
Break a leg, Derek.

1106
01:13:50,592 --> 01:13:51,592
Derek...

1107
01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:53,803
It's Relax!

1108
01:13:53,887 --> 01:13:54,929
I hate you.

1109
01:13:55,013 --> 01:13:57,515
I'm fine.
I've done this a thousand times.

1110
01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:00,184
The trigger! It's...

1111
01:14:11,947 --> 01:14:14,532
Concentrate, Derelicte.

1112
01:14:15,826 --> 01:14:19,245
Do not be distracted
by the beautiful celebrities.

1113
01:14:19,329 --> 01:14:20,997
Celebrities.

1114
01:14:27,379 --> 01:14:31,966
Do what you've been trained to do
and kill the Malaysian prime minister!

1115
01:14:46,106 --> 01:14:47,565
Just do it already!

1116
01:14:57,493 --> 01:14:58,659
D- Bone, I got your back!

1117
01:14:59,912 --> 01:15:00,912
What?

1118
01:15:03,707 --> 01:15:05,082
It's that damn Hansel!

1119
01:15:05,334 --> 01:15:06,751
He's so hot right now!

1120
01:15:08,545 --> 01:15:09,879
Popping and locking, fool!

1121
01:15:12,841 --> 01:15:14,425
They're break-dance fighting.

1122
01:16:19,741 --> 01:16:22,326
Derek Zoolander just tried to kill
the prime minister of Malaysia.

1123
01:16:25,122 --> 01:16:27,707
That's bullshit! Listen up, everyone.

1124
01:16:27,791 --> 01:16:29,250
Mugatu's a dick!

1125
01:16:29,835 --> 01:16:32,920
He tried to brainwash Derek
to kill the Claymation dude.

1126
01:16:35,090 --> 01:16:38,759
That's a lie! Zoolander snapped
because he's over the hill!

1127
01:16:38,844 --> 01:16:40,928
He knew his career was over
and he couldn't face it.

1128
01:16:41,013 --> 01:16:42,430
No way, compadre.

1129
01:16:42,889 --> 01:16:46,475
We got 30 years of files
right here in this computer!

1130
01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:48,352
They're gonna bring you down!

1131
01:16:48,854 --> 01:16:50,146
Oh, no.

1132
01:16:50,439 --> 01:16:51,480
Down!

1133
01:16:55,736 --> 01:16:57,069
Where did all the files go?

1134
01:16:59,239 --> 01:17:00,489
I'm taking you out!

1135
01:17:01,366 --> 01:17:03,826
Yo, taste my pain, bitch!

1136
01:17:08,373 --> 01:17:09,540
Yes!

1137
01:17:10,250 --> 01:17:11,334
Deal with that!

1138
01:17:14,963 --> 01:17:17,882
You don't have the guts, Kmart!

1139
01:17:18,258 --> 01:17:20,301
Wanna bet? And by the way,

1140
01:17:20,385 --> 01:17:22,261
you were wrong about my outfit.

1141
01:17:22,346 --> 01:17:25,765
It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection,
and I got it at J.C. Penney.

1142
01:17:26,391 --> 01:17:27,892
On sale.

1143
01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:36,150
Jig's up, Mugatu.
Everything they're saying is true.

1144
01:17:36,234 --> 01:17:38,527
I've been in on it for 30 years.

1145
01:17:38,612 --> 01:17:40,404
What are you doing, Ballstein?

1146
01:17:40,822 --> 01:17:44,408
I'm done, Jaco. I got a prostate
the size of a honeydew,

1147
01:17:44,493 --> 01:17:46,243
and a head full of bad memories.

1148
01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:48,287
It's time to set things straight.

1149
01:17:48,372 --> 01:17:52,541
You have no evidence.
Han-stupid destroyed everything.

1150
01:17:52,626 --> 01:17:56,253
I got two words for you, sugar, Zip disk.

1151
01:17:56,505 --> 01:17:59,423
The whole thing
is in my den in Long Island.

1152
01:17:59,508 --> 01:18:01,842
I can have that evidence here
in 20 minutes.

1153
01:18:01,927 --> 01:18:03,844
- That a boy, Maury.
- Hold on a second.

1154
01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:05,388
I'm afraid of the radiation.

1155
01:18:08,767 --> 01:18:11,268
Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen.

1156
01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:14,855
I need you to bring that Zip disk
in the den down to the fashion show.

1157
01:18:16,775 --> 01:18:18,859
I don't care what the traffic is like.

1158
01:18:20,195 --> 01:18:22,780
Take the God damn service road
and get off before the bridge.

1159
01:18:24,449 --> 01:18:26,701
So put it in one of those
Tupperware containers

1160
01:18:26,785 --> 01:18:28,786
and I'll heat it up in the microwave
when I get home.

1161
01:18:29,788 --> 01:18:33,541
For Christ's sake,
it's a casserole, Sheila! It'll stay!

1162
01:18:35,168 --> 01:18:36,168
Shut up!

1163
01:18:36,253 --> 01:18:38,212
Enough already, Ballstein!

1164
01:18:38,296 --> 01:18:41,215
Who cares about
Derek Zoolander, anyway?

1165
01:18:41,299 --> 01:18:44,427
The man has only one look,
for Christ's sake!

1166
01:18:44,511 --> 01:18:47,346
Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre?

1167
01:18:47,597 --> 01:18:49,181
They're the same face!

1168
01:18:50,684 --> 01:18:54,812
Doesn't anyone notice this?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

1169
01:18:56,481 --> 01:18:59,567
I invented the piano-key necktie!

1170
01:18:59,651 --> 01:19:01,444
I invented it!

1171
01:19:01,528 --> 01:19:04,321
What have you done, Derek? Nothing!

1172
01:19:04,448 --> 01:19:07,658
You've done nothing! Nothing!

1173
01:19:08,160 --> 01:19:11,787
And I will be a monkey's uncle
if I have you ruin this for me!

1174
01:19:11,872 --> 01:19:15,082
Because if you can't
get the job done, then I will!

1175
01:19:15,709 --> 01:19:17,835
Die, you wage-hiking scum!

1176
01:19:22,215 --> 01:19:23,507
One look?

1177
01:19:24,593 --> 01:19:28,095
One look? I don't think so!

1178
01:19:40,650 --> 01:19:42,109
There it is!

1179
01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:43,360
Magnum!

1180
01:19:44,404 --> 01:19:46,197
Holy moly.

1181
01:19:46,281 --> 01:19:49,492
Yeah, baby!
That's what I've been waiting for!

1182
01:19:49,868 --> 01:19:53,120
Dear God. It's beautiful.

1183
01:20:07,093 --> 01:20:09,345
Yeah!

1184
01:20:15,769 --> 01:20:19,104
That's my kid. That's my son.

1185
01:20:22,108 --> 01:20:23,150
Yeah!

1186
01:20:25,695 --> 01:20:26,695
Derek!

1187
01:20:27,072 --> 01:20:31,242
I love that kid.
Dumb as a stump, but I love him.

1188
01:20:31,326 --> 01:20:33,285
Derek, you did it! That was amazing!

1189
01:20:33,370 --> 01:20:35,538
I know. I turned left!

1190
01:20:36,623 --> 01:20:37,748
Yeah, that too. But, Derek,

1191
01:20:37,833 --> 01:20:39,917
you saved the prime minister
of Malaysia!

1192
01:20:40,252 --> 01:20:42,461
Right. Cool.

1193
01:20:43,255 --> 01:20:46,257
Thank you, Derek Zoolander,
for saving my life.

1194
01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:17,121
Hi, I'm former male supermodel
Derek Zoolander.

1195
01:21:17,205 --> 01:21:18,789
And here
at the Derek Zoolander Center

1196
01:21:18,874 --> 01:21:20,291
for Kids Who Can't Read Good,

1197
01:21:20,375 --> 01:21:22,543
and Who Wanna Learn
to Do Other Stuff Good, Too,

1198
01:21:22,627 --> 01:21:24,795
we teach students of all ages,

1199
01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:27,965
everything they need to know to
learn to be a professional model

1200
01:21:28,049 --> 01:21:30,384
and a professional human being.

1201
01:21:30,468 --> 01:21:33,470
Our diverse faculty includes
business management teacher,

1202
01:21:33,555 --> 01:21:36,223
and former model agent
Maury Ballstein.

1203
01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,267
The designer's got your nuts in a vice,

1204
01:21:38,351 --> 01:21:40,686
offering you ten million
plus three percent,

1205
01:21:40,770 --> 01:21:43,063
of every pair of underwear sold.

1206
01:21:43,148 --> 01:21:44,899
What are you gonna do?

1207
01:21:44,983 --> 01:21:48,068
Screw him! Hold out for more!

1208
01:21:48,153 --> 01:21:50,529
That's what I'm talking about!

1209
01:21:50,614 --> 01:21:53,407
So join now, because at
the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids

1210
01:21:53,491 --> 01:21:56,410
Who Can't Read Good and Wanna
Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too,

1211
01:21:56,494 --> 01:21:57,870
we teach you that there's more to life,

1212
01:21:57,996 --> 01:22:00,664
than just being really, really,
really good-looking.

1213
01:22:00,749 --> 01:22:02,583
- Right, kids?
- Right!

1214
01:22:02,667 --> 01:22:03,918
And cut!

1215
01:22:05,503 --> 01:22:08,130
- Looks great. I think we got it.
- All right, Mitch. Thanks.

1216
01:22:08,214 --> 01:22:10,758
- All right, everybody! That's a wrap!
- Hey, Hansel.

1217
01:22:10,842 --> 01:22:14,428
Hey, D-Rock, I'm gonna take these kids
over to the George Washington Bridge,

1218
01:22:14,512 --> 01:22:16,472
give them a little lesson
in base jumping.

1219
01:22:16,556 --> 01:22:18,098
I'll catch you in the teacher's lounge
later on?

1220
01:22:18,183 --> 01:22:19,224
All right.

1221
01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:22,019
All right, guys. Last one to
the helicopter's a rotten egg. Let's go!

1222
01:22:23,980 --> 01:22:25,105
Hey, Matilda!

1223
01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:28,233
- There's Daddy! Hi.
- Hey.

1224
01:22:28,652 --> 01:22:30,152
- How's Derek, Jr.?
- He's great.

1225
01:22:30,236 --> 01:22:32,488
Guess what.
He made his first look today.

1226
01:22:32,697 --> 01:22:33,697
Really?

1227
01:22:33,782 --> 01:22:35,616
You wanna show Daddy
your look, Derek, Jr.?

1228
01:22:41,373 --> 01:22:42,373
Wow.

1229
01:22:43,083 --> 01:22:46,460
- Wanna hang out for story hour?
- Great. Yeah. Let's go.

1230
01:22:47,087 --> 01:22:49,672
- Hey, who wants to hear a story?
- Yeah!