teslatricity01/27/2020
I just need to be honest and say that I've got some worries about how things are going to go in April and better to air that now than wait. it's been a source of anxiety for me for a while now and of course it's mixed in with everything else so i wrote up all my feelings and i'm just. gonna shove them in here because otherwise i'm going to leave something out
I’m gonna start off by saying that I really want you to come on this trip! I want to have fun with you and see you do your first 5K and get medal pictures, nothing would make me happier than all of us with our bling in front of the Millennium Falcon. But I’m worried that you don’t understand how I feel like I’m taking a chance here, given that I feel like I’ve kept giving you chances and gotten more hurt and more anxious because of it, and had my hurt pushed aside by you in favor of your own.

There’s a lot of tension between you and me specifically right now, and what I’m worried about is that in April, something will happen on this trip that will cause another blow-up or at least make us both more stressed out than we need to be and cause us both to not have as much fun as we could have or should have on a trip like this. I worry that something will be said, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that will cause a fight. I worry that someone’s boundary will be disrespected--yours, mine, Skye’s, Asma’s, whoever-- and I can’t have that in a room where we’re all kind of trapped with each other. Unfortunately there are limited options on a trip like this to get the space we all would need in that kind of situation. My other option in that situation would be to start kicking people out of the room, and that’s REALLY not something I’d find particularly enjoyable either. My focus Sat/Sun is going to be running and I’m going to be keyed up enough already with three early wakeup calls in a row and this is supposed to be a fun trip anyway.
I get that you are in a hole right now. I can’t imagine what it’s like to struggle with what you have to struggle with, because that loss of control and forward momentum is my worst nightmare after how hard I’ve worked to get where I am in life. But that hole you’re in doesn’t give you carte blanche to treat me and others the way you have. I have bitten my tongue and stomached the hurt I feel because of what you are going through. I have convinced myself that I’m not really as upset as I am about things and that I’m overreacting. I’ve honestly felt like I’m going crazy a lot of the time because it feels like we go in circles about the same things, over and over. I feel like I try to do what you want of me only for it to be wrong. It hurts because I just want to be a good friend but I don’t know how to do that for you without also disrespecting myself. I want to believe you when you say you’ll work on things too, but because we keep going over this it just feels hollow. I can’t keep putting myself through this heartache and I can’t be compassionate when I’m resentful of you for continuously making me feel terrible when I just want to be respected as a person.

I know that all that won’t be solved by one conversation or even a few, but I need to put my mind at ease. I’d like us to talk about ways to manage tense situations so it doesn’t feel like this trip is going to be an anxiety nightmare for both of us.
ammay01/27/2020
I understand, and I know I haven’t been the best friend that I could have in the past, and even recently. I explained it to Asma that I feel like a wounded, cornered animal and that the only response I can muster is to lash out because far better to be on the safe side than risk being hurt again.
But that does mean I’ve hurt people, even when that wasn’t my intention.
And I am sorry for that.
I think a conversation and ways to manage this will serve us well. However I want it to be known that never have I asked you to bite your tongue and deal with the shit I’ve thrown at you, and I thought I made it very clear that I wanted an open dialogue and an exchange to reach a compromise between us — however it’s felt that this is somehow unappealing to you. It has to be your way, and so I dig in my feet and become demanding and angry because I cannot stand being asked to do something that you aren’t willing to do yourself, and throughout all of this there has been, to me, an undercurrent of me being expected to accept things as you want them while you barely listen to me.
So I think if we start from a platform of agreeing to compromise, that’ll do us a lot of good. You’re one of my best friends, and watching the gap between us widen has been utterly wretched.
But I can’t swallow my hurt just to make you happy, and I would never expect you to do likewise.
I think a lot of the pain we inflict on each other comes from assuming, so let’s. Not do that right now.
teslatricity01/27/2020
It feels like you are doing the same thing to me though--I ask that you respect my boundaries when I say that I don't like how you're treating me, and you pass that hurt back to me, you make me feel like all this is my fault and that I'm being unreasonable just for asking my friend to treat me with the same respect and love I try to show her. Compromise means that both parties have to make a demonstrable effort to change, and I'm going to be honest--I haven't seen a lot of that from you. I see you say it, and it's great that you say it, but for me, it needs to be backed up with actions. If you know things you do hurt people, take steps to change them, rather than just throwing up your hands and asking me or others just to take the hurt that you throw out. Because that is what your actions thus far have been telling me, regardless of what you've said. Actions speak louder than words.
You are assuming that a compromise is unappealing to me, when I feel like I've continuously extended my hand and tried to do right by you when you've told me you're hurt. But I don't feel like you've shown the same consideration to me. I unfortunately don't have infinite patience as i am not a divine being. You keep pressing this bruise and I am telling you that you've gotta stop now.
I can't do this work for you as much as I want to. I have a duty to myself to not live in a constant state of anxiety over friendship, which I hope you know I wouldn't be feeling if I didn't care about you and how you feel. But I can't care for you without also caring for myself and my own feelings.
Friendship is supposed to make us stronger, it's not supposed to unravel us.
ammay01/27/2020
Maybe we just shouldn’t be friends anymore, if all it’s doing is making life worse for us.
I have more to say but I’m eating an ice cream cone so give me a second
teslatricity01/27/2020
I think that's a very flippant thing to say and not a good way to back yourself up when you want a compromise.
ammay01/27/2020
I’m sorry that nothing I have done has seemed as me trying to respect you when that’s literally all I have been trying to do, and bending myself out of shape for. I don’t know what’s good enough for you anymore, and I don’t think you know what’s good enough for me anymore, either.
So why don’t we start by saying what we want, and you can do first, and we’ll work from there.
teslatricity01/27/2020
I feel I've laid out what I want pretty clearly. I want to be heard and I want action from you rather than this constant cycle that to me feels like the same horse in a different rodeo. I think if you know me at all you know this wasn't an easy thing for me to do. But I care about you and I value this friendship and so I laid out that I wanted respect and consideration and to be heard and valued and loved. I have not felt those things from you despite my own efforts to hear what you have said and to change how I act accordingly. Which I have been! It might not be exactly what you want but that is the nature of compromise--I should not be asked to twist myself so that I fit what you want just as I would not expect you to twist yourself either. But that is what it's felt like you really want, for me to fit in rather than belong as who I am.
Compromise requires all parties to be flexible.
ammay01/28/2020
Sorry, mom’s being difficult in getting out of the car and back to the room
I'm sorry I haven't been able to convey that you're head and valued and loved, because I do.
For me, I think, the problem arises b/c the things that I want from you are things that I don't think are fair to ask to be compromised on completely -- I shouldn't have to be asked to compromised on feeling included, that my opinions are valid and welcomed even if they differ, and that I am respected as an adult with adult feelings and adult decisions.
But it feels like all of those things are things that I am asking too much of you, and if that's the case then I am sorry, but I don't think this friendship is going to work out.
I understand that this may seem like I'm unwilling to compromise, but just as I can try and work on making sure you know how much I care for you and love you and value you as a person, I sincerely need yo to work on those things. Because it hasn't felt like they're of any importance to you, as much as you'd no doubt say that you haven't felt like your feelings and thoughts and person have been of importance to me.
I have been callous and dismissive, and I apologize for that.
teslatricity01/28/2020
This is what I mean when I say it's the same horse in a different rodeo. We are on this carousel where I say I'm hurt and you say I am not doing enough. You apologize for things you say and do, but I never see any changes. It feels like a betrayal every time you apologize for hurting me, only to go on and hurt me again and then turn it back on me and accuse me of not doing enough to accomodate you. That's why I have such trouble trusting your apologies now, because I haven't seen them backed up by a lot of action to change the behaviors that precipitate them and it just starts the cycle again. You know the things you do that hurt me, but it seems like you're unwilling to take steps to actually work on those things while expecting me to do this heavy lifting. And until these changes are made--changes I am working on in therapy, by the way--I don't know if I can go on this ride again.
ammay01/28/2020
What do you want me to do?
It feels like I'm beating my head against a wall continually because I don't know what to do that will make this ride stop.
I suppose, in short, I could say this:
I am reluctant to change, to move forward, because I no longer trust you.
This isn't meant to hurt you, so please don't assume that I'm going to start this ride again, I'm just explaining things from my end.
I don't want to change because I don't see any reason to, nor believe that me changing my behavior will in any way, shape, or form change things.
Nothing I have seen, nothing that has been said, nothing that has been done at all indicates that forward motion is something that can be achieved, and therefore I get resentful and stubborn and dig my heels in because like hell I'm going to be the only one changing in this scenario.
I am sorry that I've hurt you, and I'm sorry this is where we're at.
And I'm sorry I have difficulty moving past this point where I don't think things CAN change.
teslatricity01/28/2020
Well, until you do I think it might be best for both of us to get off the ride. I have told you what I want and what I expect and to be met with this unwillingness and stubbornness breaks my heart. In light of this I don't think it's a good idea for you to come in April because it seems clear to me that whatever's going on here won't be resolved by then.
ammay01/28/2020
I'm not unwilling, Lana.
I want to be that friend for you, I want to make sure you know that I love and support you.
And that I respect you, and care for you.
But, going back to the cornered, injured animal metaphor b/c it's the best thing I've got and by god I'm gonna milk it until I can't anymore, I need a reason to give it a shot again. B/c all I've gotten so far is just "well change comes slow" and decisions and assumptions made for me, instead of any attempt to actually address the things I'm concerned about.
I'm reluctant to move forward b/c we're trapped in this circle of hell, and every time I think we're going to go forward we always come right back here again.
And I've played a part in that, I know I have, but it isn't just me.
I want to take the steps forward with you, at an even pace.
But it seems like you're constantly asking me to sprint ahead just on the hopes that maybe, eventually, you'll get halfway there.
And because I love you, and I love being friends with you, I do. But you never get there, something always comes up.
I understand that you think I'm asking you to do the sprinting ahead, and I apologize that that's how this has come across when all I really want is for us to take it step by step.
Together.
But yeah, I probably shouldn't come in April anyway.
teslatricity01/28/2020
I am asking you to treat me with respect and kindness. You always seem to assume the worst of me, and that hurts, because I try to see the best in you and give you the benefit of the doubt even when things you say and do hurt me. I think there's just a lot of soul-searching that needs to be done and demonstrated before I can trust that you mean what you say.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Hawaii. Have a good night.