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tabdpitabm script @troutpuke

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Apr 20th, 2019
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  1. JOSH
  2. Alright, uh, let’s change the topic... Folks, I thought it might be fun for us to use this time to respond to some of the listener comments that have really stuck out to us over this Advil Latrine month.
  3.  
  4. KEATON
  5. Oh, over Ample Levi’s month?
  6.  
  7. JOSH
  8. Yeah that’s right we’ve been listening to you questions and suggestions throughout this entire Actual Bactine month and thought it would be cool for us to address some.
  9.  
  10. KEATON
  11. Alright yeah let’s dig in to some of these.
  12.  
  13. JOSH
  14. Yeah, so our first bit of feedback comes from a listener who is worried that she has fallen ill since the month started. She tells us that her doctors determined that listening to the podcast has caused internal bleeding and multiple organ failure.
  15.  
  16. KEATON
  17. Well, I mean, that just comes with the territory.
  18.  
  19. JOSH
  20. Yeah, that’s just going to happen with a podcast like this.
  21.  
  22. KEATON
  23. Josh and I are famously on the brink of death as a result of the physical and mental toll that talking about the angry birds drinking piss takes.
  24.  
  25. JOSH
  26. Yeah, so my suggestion for this listener would be just to buck up a little. You don’t hear any of us complaining.
  27.  
  28. KEATON
  29. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Let’s, uh, let’s try to find a comment that offers a little bit of constructive advice next time.
  30.  
  31. JOSH
  32. Ok here’s one that says, “Josh, I can tell that you are wearing bell-bottom corduroys in all of the recordings and it is very distracting.” Ok this is fair, but you know what I always say: if I’m not in my bell-bottom cords, the podcast I cannot record.
  33.  
  34. KEATON
  35. Josh, I have a confession.
  36.  
  37. JOSH
  38. What?
  39.  
  40. KEATON
  41. I actually sent that one in. I’m really sorry, it was a moment of weakness, and if I could take it back I would.
  42.  
  43. JOSH
  44. Well Keaton, I’ve got to be honest with you. It took a lot of courage to say that, and at least you said it anonymously instead of to my face.
  45.  
  46. KEATON
  47. Friends?
  48.  
  49. JOSH
  50. Friends.
  51.  
  52. KEATON
  53. Can I pick the next one?
  54.  
  55. JOSH
  56. Go for it, pal. Here’s the list.
  57.  
  58. KEATON
  59. Sweet ok this one says, “Keaton, I can tell that you are not wearing bell-bottoms of any kind in the recordings and it is very distracting.”
  60.  
  61. JOSH
  62. Oh yeah, sorry I sent that one in when I saw you writing yours.
  63.  
  64. KEATON
  65. Oh, ok that makes sense. So you’re alright with me being completely naked as always? I can put on like some socks or something if that would make you feel better.
  66.  
  67. JOSH
  68. Honestly, I think the socks would make it worse.
  69.  
  70. KEATON
  71. Hey, do you remember the elderly visitor from the new characters episode?
  72.  
  73. JOSH
  74. Uh, yeah.
  75.  
  76. KEATON
  77. Do you know what he would have said if he was really into wearing Star Trek merch?
  78.  
  79. JOSH
  80. What?
  81.  
  82. KEATON
  83. He would say that he was going to take his shoes and Spocks off.
  84.  
  85. JOSH
  86. Oh, that’s great.
  87.  
  88. KEATON
  89. Okay what’s our next complaint.
  90.  
  91. JOSH
  92. Alright let’s see here, um...alright most of these are complaints about the health effects of listening...a bunch are just complaints that we’ve sent in about each other...ok here’s one. This person says that they are stuck in a groundhog’s day loop and can only get out if I fall in love with them.
  93.  
  94. KEATON
  95. That one was me too.
  96.  
  97. JOSH
  98. I see, moving on. This next complaint was filed by Columbia Pictures and Rovio Entertainment who are claiming, uh, let’s come back to this one. Okay, there’s a ton here that say they can’t understand my accent. What do you think about that one?
  99.  
  100. KEATON
  101. I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.
  102.  
  103. JOSH
  104. They’re saying that they can’t understand me because of my accent.
  105.  
  106. KEATON
  107. What?
  108.  
  109. JOSH
  110. My accent.
  111.  
  112. KEATON
  113. You had an accident?
  114.  
  115. JOSH
  116. Moving on...this one just says Keaton Bad.
  117.  
  118. KEATON
  119. God. Agreed.
  120.  
  121. JOSH
  122. Well, folks that’s all the time we have. I want to thank Keats for- Keats? Do I call you Keats? That seems weird.
  123.  
  124. KEATON
  125. Yeah, who do you think I am? The famous English Romantic poet known for works such as “Ode to a Nightingale” or the famous sonnet "On First Looking into Chapman's Homer"?
  126.  
  127. JOSH
  128. Well, thank you all for tuning in to another episode of Just Joshin’ Around with your host, me, Josh.
  129.  
  130. KEATON
  131. Woah wait a minute, you told me that we’ve been calling it Keaton It Real with your host, Keaton.
  132.  
  133. JOSH
  134. We’ll discuss this in private. Thank you everybody for listening to the first and probably last ever fan-scripted episode! There will be no news segment. We’ll close the episode out with a few words from our celebrity guest, the talented Peter Dinklage. Peter, we’ve only got a few seconds left, take it away!
  135.  
  136. PETER
  137. -
  138.  
  139. (TABDPITABM theme music plays)
  140.  
  141. THE END
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