Lich Short

“I’m so sorry officer. And so is she! Trust me, this will never happen again.”

The sheriff rubbed his eyes with his hand and sighed.

“I know she’s ‘adjusting’ and all, but there HAS to be some way you can control her. I have to call you into this office every other week because of her crazy stunts. If it weren’t for that demon governor and her legislation, your wife would be a convicted felon three times over! I’m begging you, please let this ‘last time’ BE the last time.”

Agard nodded finished signing the paperwork for his wife’s release. Soon she was brought out, escorted by two deputies.

“Husband.”

To the untrained ear she may have sounded nonchalant, but he could tell she was excited to see him.

“Hey Zorasta. Come on, let’s go home.”

She floated behind him, opening the doors with a wave of her hand.

Through training, patience, bargaining, and the agreement that Zorasta had full control of the radio, Agard had managed to get her to ride in the ‘slow, inefficient metal box.’ He started it up and drove off, as Zorasta put on a classical music station.

“Husband, are you angry?”

“No Zo, but I thought you knew better than that by now! I told you to check with me before you made any purchases over the internet.”

“The purchase was not made over the internet.”

“You mailed an envelope with a few hundred dollars in cash to a missile development facility asking for schematics! You can’t do that through any form of correspondence!”

“Ballistic missiles were not on the list of ‘things you may not ask for/about,’ husband.”

“I shouldn’t have to tell you not to ask for a fucking bomb!”

“I specifically requested one WITHOUT the warhead.”

Agard groaned and focused. It was all he could do. The duo drove home listening to the faint sounds of the string orchestra on the radio.

~~~~~~~

	Agard rolled out of bed and slapped his alarm. Zo was nowhere to be found, which was not unusual. Some nights she would stay with him, and others she would go to her lab after he fell asleep to continue her research. It made Agard a little jealous that she spent so much time tinkering with her projects rather than cuddling with him, but it must be hard for someone who can’t really sleep to just spoon an unconscious man for eight hours.

	The extra income was nice too. Zorasta had tried to find work in conventional fields, but several less than stellar customer reviews and a few HUGE misunderstandings made her all but unemployable. As the sheriff had said, if she wasn’t a mamono she would be serving a life sentence by now. You know, if she could die.

	Zorasta now worked as a freelance sorceress. A company or magitech engineering firm would put out a bounty on a problem, or enlist extra magic using mamono to complete production on schedule and pay them for their work. Adgar had tried to be polite and listen to her talk about her work, but it was like listening to a monotone reading of an Ikea instruction booklet. There were occasional simple tasks that he could understand, but most of what she did went way over his head.

Grabbing his briefcase, he finished his breakfast and went to work.

~~~~~

“Zo! I’m home!”

Nothing.

Agard dropped his briefcase and quickly hung up his jacket. Like a toddler, if Zoastra didn’t respond it meant she was probably up to no good.

“Zo? Where are y-“

Adgar was stopped short by an invisible force on his collar as he rounded the corner into the kitchen.

“Oh Zoastra…”

She was on her hands and knees with the microwave completely disassembled on a bedsheet. All the pieces were neatly organized. She had even made little piles of screws based on their sizes.

“Don’t step on anything.”

“Zo, what is this?”

“Though you may not recognize it in its current state, this is a 1.5 square feet Dragon’s Breath 1100 watt microwave with a removable crumb tray a-“

“Baby, I know what it is… Why are you taking it apart?”

“This machine is magic.”

“No, Zo, please don’t get into this. It isn’t magic, it has a cord and everything.”

“It IS magic. I know now. I used it today for the first time on my own, and discovered its reality-bending properties.”

“Oh honey I’m so proud of you! But what do you mean by reality bending powers?”

The undead girl held up her hand to show a slight burn. Oh boy…

“I was preparing some of the delectable morsels from the freezer, (she means pizza rolls) and placed them upon the offering plate in the chamber. I entered the code to preform the ritual as you had taught me, and then retrieved the bowl. To my surprise, the bread pouch was still cold and hard. I believed it to be defective, until I evaluated another roll. It was VERY hot.”

“So, you burned yourself with molten peperoni…”

Zorasta continued without acknowledging him. “I tested the remainder to find that the searing hot food parcels outnumbered the still frozen ones in a 2.0833:1 ratio. This should not have happened.”

“Wait how many pizza rolls did you put in there?”

“Thirty-seven.”

“Oh lord…”

“One and a half square feet is ample space for thirty-seven food-pockets. Based on your explanation of ‘I think it moves the water molecules inside the food really fast or something’ ALL food within the chamber should have been warm and delicious; as it is when you prepare it.”

“So because you didn’t read the cooking instructions on the bag of pizza rolls you made the massive leap in reasoning and assumed that the microwave that we have had in out house for years is magic.”

“Yes. Disassembling it allows me to investigate it while rendering the malevolent force that dwells within it powerless.”

Adgar rubbed his temples.

“Couldn’t you have just used the computer to figure out how a microwave works?”

“I used the inquiry bar as you demonstrated, but none of the material I uncovered pertained to what dark forces power this machine.”

“Maybe it’s electricity like I told you…”

“I respect that you are more versed in the ways of this future world, but what I have experienced is incontrovertible.”

“Zo, I’m hungry. PLEASE just put the appliance back together and come eat with me.”

Her eyes shifted a bit to the left and she squirmed a little bit.

“You can’t put it back together can you.”

“I... am certain that I am close to discovering the configuration in which it was manufactured…”

“Well at least clean it up so I can make dinner.”

Zorastra nodded and magic’d a hole through the kitchen floor. The blanket and all of the components of what was the microwave fell through into the basement.

Right.

Oh well, time for lasagna.

~~~~~~

	Agard turned his alarm off a few minutes before it rang. Today was the day of a big presentation at his company that would be the deciding factor in whether or not he got promoted. The anticipation had been killing him, and he had been awake for half an hour already. Zorasta was still absent from his bed. No matter. All Agard could think about was the presentation and what he would do with the extra income. He dressed himself, ate, and left for work.

~~~~~
“Husband?”

	Zorasta hovered up the basement steps into the kitchen. The food she had prepared for him to consume at lunch had not been taken. Her emotions were retarded by virtue of her soul being stored in a phylactery, but she still felt a mixture of confusion, sadness and frustration. She checked the bedroom to confirm that he had indeed left and wasn’t just running late. Did he forget the lunch? Did he not like her cooking? Was he still mad about the microwave? Zorasta began to fidget in discomfort as the list of hypotheses continued to play out in her head without bringing her any closure.

He probably just forgot.

	Humans did that quite often as she had leaned. Agard had probably forgotten it on his way out. She would just take it to him. As much as it pained her to admit, she would never get any work done while fretting like this. And her husband needed this food! He would be happy to see her and receive it. Surely!

She snagged the food with a magical tendril and floated out the door towards the city in the distance.

~~~~~

	Under Agard’s tutelage and patience, Zorasta had become savvy with the modern city. Navigating the world of concrete and glass was easy once he had explained it to her: “Just don’t use your magic on anyone, okay?!”

	Their maiden voyage was a thrilling and romantic experience until she became irritated with an especially noisy taxi. The conflict escalated quickly, ending six hours later after a standoff between Zorasta, a SWAT team, a negotiator, a mamono response team, and a succubus who was specially trained to help ‘trouble species’ adapt. It was her third arrest, but she was now on what the succubus had called ‘the list.’ No matter. As long as she didn’t cause trouble, there would be no trouble.

Finding Agard’s building was a trivial feat. She had seen it dozens of times when she scried on him. She did this whenever he was late coming home.

Easing the flow of magic, she hovered to the ground and entered the building.

	The receptionist stared at the floating corpse as it passed through the automatic doors. The security guard slowly moved his hands to his taser, though it probably wouldn’t do much besides make her mad. The dead woman was wearing an oversized hoody from a local college that had seen much love over the years. The insignia was faded, and there were stains and holes covering the garment. She also wore simple black sweatpants and cheap flipflops. In one of her small hands she held a brown paper bag that appeared to be threatening to burst and spill its contents onto the ground. Seriously, what did she put in there, a tub of olive oil?

As much as the receptionist wished she could turn the cadaver away, mamono rights were guaranteed within the city. She couldn’t get rid of her without an excuse first.

“Can I help you ma’am?” asked the receptionist sweetly.

“I require your assistance in discerning the location of my husband.” Zorasta replied flatly.

Oh, she was one of THESE mamono. Bad enough she had to interact with these demonic sluts, but some were crazy on top of that.

“What is his name?”

“Agard.”

“Ah! Of course. What did you need from him?” asked the receptionist picking up the phone. Strange, Agard had always seemed like a pretty normal person. Who knew he was a necrophile? She suppressed a shudder.

“He failed to take this meal with him. I must give this parcel to him to ensure he is maintaining sufficient caloric intake.”

Riiiiiiggghhhtt.

“I’m afraid he’s in a very important meeting right now. He can’t be disturbed, but if you want, I can give it to him for you.” Please just leave you crazy bitch, he won’t even eat that slop anyways.

The lich hesitated. “You would give it to him?”

“Yes, I would.” said the receptionist gesturing for her to give the bag.

“How do you know my husband?”

“He says hello to me every morning on his way up.”

“That does not suffice to explain how you came to know him by name. Answer.”

What did you just say, you frigid bitch?!

“Ma’am, please. I’ll make sure your husband gets his food. I’m very busy so please just give it to me.”

Zorasta clutched the bag to her chest. “I… will deliver this to him personally. Where does he reside?”

“You can’t just enter the building, you need a permit. I have work to do so either give me the bag this instant or get out!”

	Zorasta maintained silent eye contact with her and the receptionist began to worry that she had gone too far. Sure she was being a pain in the ass, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t crush her like an insect before the cops arrived.

“Give me a permit.”

“No! Now get out!”

“You are being unreasonable…”

The security guard came closer but stopped in his tracks as Zorasta faced him.

“You need to leave miss.” he said with his hand on the taser.

“I will vacate the premises only after I deliver this meal to my husband.”

The security guard called for backup on the radio.

“You have thirty seconds to leave the building before you’re arrested.” said the guard drawing the taser.

	Zorasta was now torn. She needed to deliver the food to Agard, but she also didn’t want to be arrested again so soon. Based on the blood-work she had performed on Agard while he slept, his stress increased exponentially if she was detained more than once a month. But she needed to deliver this food to Agard and find out who the receptionist was and how she knew him by name. Were all those late nights spent with her? The building was protected by wards that made accurate scrying impossible, (standard issue on any building that had intellectual property to protect) and Zorasta wasn’t sure if she was able to detect the scent of women if they didn’t give off the same mana as men. What to do, what to do…

“Time’s up! Drop the bag and put your hands behind your head!” said the guard aiming the taser at her.

“There is no need. I will leave.”

The guard visibly relaxed as Zorasta floated out the door. Thank God that was over.

~~~~~

Agard was just finishing up the presentation. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but the company executives looked pleased with his work.

“You’ve done quite well, Agard. How long have you been working at this company?”

“Six years sir.”

“Has it only been that long? You’ve certainly earned your pay in that time. And we believe that talent like yours should not go unrewarded. Why don’t we get some coffee in my office and talk about your position.”

“Of course sir, I’m thrilled! I’ll just…just…”

Agard stopped as he noticed his wife looking at him through the glass of the fifteenth floor.

“What the hell?! What is that?!” shouted one of the executives standing up and backing away from the window.

Agard put his face into his palm. “It’s my wife. I’ll handle this.”

	Agard grabbed a piece of paper and quickly wrote a note telling her to go home, pressing it up to the window. Zorasta was trying to say something and pointing to a bag that looked like it would tear open any second now. Her soft monotone voice was lost in the wind.
“I can’t hear you, just go home!” shouted Agard.

She made a certain gesture with her hand that Agard had learned to fear more than any other: stand back.

“NO! NO NO NO!" shouted Agard flailing his arms. The executives had shuffled into a far corner away from the window, which was a convenient coincidence that would save Zorasta an assault charge.

A ball of purple energy grew in her hand and Agard took cover as the window exploded inwards. Glass showered the table and papers, a few grains managing to bounce harmlessly off of the executives as they cowered in the corner.

“Husband. I have brought you lunch.”

	The bag tore and a slab of cold lasagna plopped unceremoniously onto the carpet. It was accompanied by a piece of greasy bread and spinach leaves, which floated down like confetti around the pile of meat, cheese, pasta and tomato sauce.
The silence was oppressive. Agard looked in disbelief at the pile of food on the ground and then up at his wife. Her lip was quivering, and she looked about ready to cry. With agonizing slowness, he turned to face the executives. Their faces were an assortment of shock, contempt, and confusion.

“Zo, honey, could you please repair the window?” said Agard trying to keep his cool.

	She let out a little whine and shuffled forward to hug him. Agard embraced her and the shards of glass flew back into position as he stroked her hair. Soon the window was whole again.

“I apologize for dropping your food.” said Zorasta into his chest.

“It’s okay, I can eat somewhere else. Just go home.”

“Agard, why is she here!? What’s going on!?” asked one of the perturbed executives.

“I’m so sorry sir, she was just trying to bring me lunch. This doesn’t normally happen.”

“Do you love the woman in the lobby more than me?” asked Zorasta.

Agard looked down at her. “What?”

“The receptionist. Do you have feelings for her?”

“No! Of course not! Why? What gave you that impression?”

“She stopped me from coming to see you.”

“You didn’t follow the rules.” said Agard. He didn’t know the whole story, but he knew that she had undoubtedly pissed at least a few people off or she wouldn’t have literally broken into the building.

Zoastra squeezed him tighter and sniveled. “She was a ‘huge bitch.’”

Oh Fuck. She must have been hanging out with the biker gang ghoul neighbor.

“That’s my daughter you fucking psychotic corpse!” shouted one of the executives.

Fuck.

~~~~~~

“Husband.”

“…”

“Husband.”

“…”

“Agard.”

“What.”

“Are you mad?”

Agard opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. “Yes.”

“I am sorry. Your termination from your position was not my intention.”

“I know.”

“I can make more food.”

Agard rolled away from her.

“Why are you mad?” Zorasta awkwardly tried to hug him from behind.

“Why?” Agard rolled over to look at her. “Because you’re incorrigible! That’s why! I’ve been with you for years and I still have to tell you things that should be common sense! Over and over, day after day you keep making the same mistakes! Why can’t you listen to me? You think that because you understand magic and magitech and I can’t that my opinions are worthless!”

Zorasta pulled her hand away. Agard continued ranting despite the subtle look of pain on her face.

	“And I could ignore all of that if that was the limit of your faults. But you’re never there! I wake up in an empty bed, come home to find you in the basement, we have sex and then go to sleep. You want to know how the receptionist knows my name? Because she doesn’t neglect everyone in her life by spending twenty hours a day in a dark room!”

Zorasta was crying now. So was Agard. Months of pent up frustration continued to flow out of him.

	“I worked so hard to get that promotion so you could quit your job and we could spend more time together, but now I’ll have to spend that time finding a job instead. If anyone will even hire me. I love you so much, but I feel more like your caretaker than your husband.”

She pulled her legs up to her chest and rocked back and forth.

“I was not aware of your feelings…” said Zorasta.

Agard could hardly hear her. He gently rubbed her head as she continued.

“I thought you found your work burdensome, so I attempted to supplement our income with my research to alleviate your stress.”

	Agard unfolded her and drew her into a hug. Her flesh was refreshingly cool. He had always marveled how someone with such a rigid personality could be so soft. The feeling of her breasts pressing into his chest caused his heart to beat a bit faster. His hands caressed her back, reaching down to grope her meaty butt. She lifted her head off his shoulder and pressed her forehead against his, looking into his eyes. Her mauve irises shifted and flickered as they always did. Agard loved to just stare into her eyes, watching the bright rings of color warp, but Zorasta insisted that such an activity was a waste of time.

"Please Zo, just listen to me. Try to learn how to behave. There are plenty of mamono and people out there that can help you with these things; you just need to ask them. Hell, it doesn't have to be anyone else! It can just be me at first. I love you, and I'll always be here for you. So please, just listen to what I say and trust me."

“Do you really still love me?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Even though my actions dismissed you from your vocation?”

“Yes.”

“And even though I get into trouble with the constabulary on a regular basis and you always have to make everything right?”

“Yes, but I do wish you wouldn’t get arrested so much…”

Zorasta let out a contented hum and kissed him. “I am truly fortunate to have found a husband so patient and caring.”

“Actually, I only put up with you for the sex.”

	She pulled away from him to scrutinize his face. It wasn’t easy for her to understand sarcasm right away, so she resorted to judging the validity of his response by his face. Seeing his smug smirk, she flopped back into him.

“It is fortunate that you feel that way. If my body is the price for your understanding, then I am all too happy to pay.”

	She reached down to grab his penis giving it a few strokes. Agard sucked in a long breath as her cool skin worked his shaft. Zorasta’s face was just as stoic as always, but she seemed to be doing something with her mouth. After a moment, she leaned forwards and delivered a hefty amount of spit onto his cock. Agard gasped as the liquid made contact. It had the paradoxical property of being warmer than the body it had come from. Zorasta’s arms wrapped around him as he felt the familiar grasp of her magic on his member.
The magical tube pulsed and twisted around his slick cock as Zorasta ran her fingers through Agard’s hair. Agard would normally be near his limit, but the sensation of Zorasta pressing against him, her cool fingers exploring his body, and the soft coos she made as they kissed made him feel more passionate than lustful.

	Zorasta broke the kiss and used her magic to align Agard with her sex. Her face hardly changed as she lowered herself onto him, but she let out a happy sigh as she bottomed out. With the assistance of magic, she began to move her hips against him.

	From his cross-legged sitting position, Agard could do little to thrust against her. Thankfully Zorasta was moving enough to satisfy both of them. Agard stopped his small thrusts and conceded to merely kissing his wife as she gyrated on his shaft. Tonight felt more lucid than ever before. Zorasta was normally colder and more distant during sex. He knew she loved him, but he also knew that she needed the mana to get back to work, or that she was testing a new theory about intercourse on him. But what she was doing now was an act of pure passion. Work was the furthest thing from her mind right now. In this moment, she only had eyes for him.
A faint light from across the room caught Agard’s attention. From the top of the dresser, Zorasta’s phylactery shone in the dark room. The crystal was glowing and spinning, having risen from its velvet holder. Agard smiled. For such a thing to happen meant that her emotions were so strong that they were activating from within the soul holder.

	Agard shuddered as a familiar heat built within him. No surprise, Zorasta was a mamono after all. He could tell she was close too. She began to thrust faster and more sporadically as she mashed her hips into him. He pulled his lips away from hers and she tried to follow, but he held her back. He stared into her eyes and mustered all of his willpower as he released inside of her.

“I love you.”

	Zorasta moaned and Agard leaned forward to bite down on her shoulder as he emptied himself inside of her. Her delicate fingers dug into his back and she cried out as the heat radiated through her body. The moment seemed to last for hours, both of them desperately clinging to the vestiges of euphoria in the darkness of the room. Soon there was only the sound of Agard’s panting.

	Agard collapsed back onto the bed. He felt so tired all of a sudden. Zorasta must have really sucked out a lot of mana. He felt his arms being pushed aside by her spindly arms and looked down to see her making room for herself in his arms. He happily obliged her, and she nuzzled her head into his chest. He craned his neck down to give her a kiss on her silvery hair. She scooted herself up in his arms and stared at him.

“Husband… could you say it again?”

“I love you.”

She pushed her head into the crook of his neck and let out a little noise. If she was still human and had a full array of emotions it probably would have been a squeal.

“I will work hard to correct my mistakes.” she said.

“And I’ll be right there fixing them with you.” he said.

~~~~~~

“Take care husband.” said Zorasta handing Agard his lunch.

She had really become a whiz at cooking once she had bothered to read cookbooks from the library. Today she had made some sort of Greek salad and an extremely photogenic sandwich. Agard grabbed the small cooler and kissed her on the cheek.

“Thanks babe. Looks delicious.”

The faintest bit of color appeared in Zorasta’s cheeks.

“It is fortunate you were able to return to your labor.”

Agard laughed. “Yeah, well, you can thank office gossip for that. The demon CEO heard about what happened and was sympathetic to my case. She got HR to reinstate me, and actually punished the guy and his daughter for ‘being culturally insensitive to a culturally challenged mamono.’ That new position and the raise are really going to help us out.”

“Indeed. We will need even more capital with our progeny soon to enter this world.”

“Huh?”

“Ah. I have failed to relay my findings. I am with child, husband.”

Agard couldn’t see her face as he embraced her, nor could he have seen it through his tears if he HAD been in front of her. But in that moment, Zorasta beamed as she held her husband close, and thought of the daughter they would raise.