Beckon

=%===%= BECKON =%===%=
,_____________,
|%%&&%%&&%%&&%|
|/''\XV|%//''\|
 ^\@ \X|&| "#"
 @^\^@X|/| #"#
 @^/ |%|/| "#"
 *^@ |*|%| #"#
 %*% |%|&| "#"
 %% /VVVVV\ "  he call to adventure beckons...

Beckon is a wooden stick simulator game with elements of space travel.
Wooden sticks come in all shapes and sizes, although this is not strictly accurate, since mankind is yet to discover a stick the size of Betelgeuse or one shaped like a Kunster-Brae K-B722 Friggspace Battlecruiser Engine.
Needless to say, there is a wide variety of sticks in nature but most important is finding the right stick for your particular needs.
A stick that is wide at one end may be usefully employed as a rudimentary shovel, whereas sticks that are straight along their entire length, a metre or so long and with a diameter of roughly a quarter of an inch, are ideal for making arrows.
An effective walking stick must be sturdy and at least 3/4 the height of the user.
Almost all sticks require some modification before they become useful but excessive modification and removal of material can result in a stick that is more likely to break.
Granted, this issue pales in comparison to the fundamental problem of finding any sort of stick given the complete lack of trees anywhere outside of Earth, which is located approximately 11.753 lightyears away from where I am currently sat as I write this book.

==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==%%==

Argyre: There is literally nothing to do, it's driving me mad!  I'm so bored I'm almost up for a game of airlock chicken...
Thaumas: Airlock chicken: whoever invented that game is a disturbed evil genius.
Argyre: What!?  Thaumas, it's the dumbest, most suicidal game anyone's ever invented.  You saw what happened to Ryson, his eyes nearly burst!  He was in a coma for three months.
Thaumas: Oh, Argyre, that's exactly the point!
Airlock chicken is precisely the sort of game that is so absurdly dangerous and monumentally stupid that it could only have originated from a brilliant yet troubled mind.
Geniuses do this sort of thing all the time, you know?
Something about having an insanely high IQ drives a few to sadism, or masochism, whichever one it is.
It's a form of entertainment for them, seeing what extremes they can push the masses to via mind games and clever framing.
If you've read up on psychology as I have you start to get a feel for these things, Argyre.
Yes, I'm able to get inside the mind of the warped genius and unpick their delicate ploys.  Meanwhile, poor, unintelligent saps like Ryson fall for it every time.
Argyre: It was Ryson who invented it!
Thaumas: Really?!  Well, maybe I've underestimated him.  Anyway, no wonder you're feeling suicidal, I would be too if I was reading a book as brain-incineratingly dull-sounding as Wood & Wooden Implements: A History of Wood.
Argyre: There's nothing else to read.
Thaumas: Nothing else to read!  There's got to be over a billion books on Docserv.
Argyre: I can't use Docserv, can I.
Thaumas: Really?  Why's that?
Argyre: I got banned... for a harmless joke.
Thaumas: Go on...
Argyre: Look, it doesn't matter.
Brae: Morning, chaps!  Sleep well?... Good.  Just a routine detail for you this morning, nothing too life-threatening, if you could sign the usual waivers and hop to it, we need to get this place fully operational by uninoon.
Argyre: It's not another blockage, is it, Brae?
Brae: No.  Three.
Thaumas: Argyre, can I have quick read of your book?
Brae: Plenty of time for reading after those blockages are... deblocked.  Good morning!
Argyre: Huff!  Why does he act so aloof all the time?
Thaumas: He's a Brae.
Argyre: Hey, they're not all like that.
Thaumas: Really?  Name one who isn't.
Argyre: Errm... Konstanzia Brae's alright.
Thaumas: Konstanzia Brae?  The woman who became the first trillionaire to make her fortune entirely through divorce settlements?
Argyre: Well, she comes across well in interviews.
Thaumas: No, there's a certain ingrained psycopathy to anyone who'd cling to the name Brae.
Argyre: Why are there so many Brae's anyway?  No matter how many quadrants you go you're always running into Braes; or Kunsters or Friggs for that matter.
Thaumas: My God, didn't they teach you any history in school?  Kunster, Brae, and Frigg were the names of three of the original scientists who colonised this region of space.
Argyre: I know that but weren't there like 200 of them?
Thaumas: They were scientists, Argyre: Kunster, Brae and Frigg were probably the only ones who managed to successfully breed.  We're more than likely Kunsters, Friggs or--ugh--Braes ourselves, you know?  Our names aren't Earth names, they both come from regions of Mars.
Argyre: Oh cool, so our ancestors were Martians then?
Thaumas: Unlikely.  Once all the other names started dying off, people got so bored of having the same three names they fell into a craze of frantically renaming themselves after passing objects or completely barron and uniteresting clumps of rock in a desperate attempt to feel unique.  I suppose we should be grateful our names aren't Simon That Bit of Shiny Stuff That Drifted Past the Rec Capsule Last Thursday, or Jeremy Desolate Wasteland Incapable of Ever Supporting Any Form of Life...
Argyre: Oh, hi Barnsley!  Didn't hear you come in.
Barnsley: I did knock; although I did it very quiet like, so as not to disturb anyone.
Thaumas: Right?
Barnsley: I've been told you need them pumps again.
Argyre: Yeah, more frigging blockages.
Barnsley: Well, two of them are still being serviced from last time, so you'll have to make do with one between the two of you.
Argyre: Damn, okay, cheers, Barnsley.
Thaumas: Great.  Now that's the whole day dedicated to unclogging the frigging drains.
Argyre: What time's uninoon?
Thaumas: We've got about six hours.  No chance.
Argyre: Come on, we can get this done in four, no probs.
Thaumas: I don't know how you manage to stay so optimistic all the time.  It's remarkably irritating.
Argyre: I've been inspired by something I read in Wood & Wooden Implements, actually.
Thaumas: Oh yes?
Argyre: Yeah.  It was so frigging boring it makes unclogging the drains feel like an adventure.

To be continued...