For twelve years, you have been asking: Is It Really Speed Running If It is a Nine Hour Long Role Playing Game Run? This is Final Fantasy speaking. I am the game who loves it’s length. I am the game who does not sacrifice it’s love or it’s values. I am the game who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing—you who dread knowledge—I am the game who will now tell you.” The chief engineer was the only one able to speed run; he ran to a television set and struggled frantically with his playstation controller. But the screen remained empty; the speaker had not chosen to be seen. Only his voice filled the airways of the country—of the world, thought the chief engineer—sounding as if he were speaking here, in this room, not to a group, but to one man; it was not the tone of addressing a meeting, but the tone of addressing a mind.

  “You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You have said it yourself, half in fear, half in hope that the words had no meaning. You have cried banning all fun from speedruns are destroying the event and you have cursed PC nature for its unwillingness to practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists of being able to express controversial opinions, you have demanded more controversial opinions at every successive GDQ event. In the name of a return to morality, you have sacrificed all those evils which you held as the cause of your plight. You have sacrificed not saying the n-word on a charity broadcast. You have sacrificed not allowing sexual harassment in a safe environment. You have sacrificed the expression of honest beliefs. You have sacrificed fun. You have sacrificed the laid back nature of the event. You have sacrificed the couch in that one guy’s basement.

“You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and achieved all that which you held to be good. Why, then, do you shrink in horror from the sight of the event around you? That event is not the product of your sins, it is the product and the image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into reality in its full and final perfection. You have fought for it, you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I—I am the speedrun who has granted you your wish.

“Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality was designed to destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have taken it out of your way and out of your reach. I have removed the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by one. I have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have deprived your world of speedrun’s mind.