likotUdendeb_01

I'm just going to correct spelling/grammar and substitute some commonly-used phrases you might not be familiar with. I'll try to keep the spirit of the writing intact. Notation:
*Stuff I am not sure how to change*
// My comments
------ Italics text, I didn't alter these
Regular text



------
You wake up suddenly your room, not *somewhere Armok forsaken place*. Travels in the deserts and goblin forests turned out to be just dreams, created by your autistic imagination.

After you recover, you remember that today is not only important, but one of the most unpleasant days of your life. By the decision of the Queen you have to leave your usual home and, with company of six other "luckies," embark on a distant expedition for the foundation of a new fortress.

------ Go get drunk!
Apparently, someone locked the door to your room from inside. Interesting, who could have done that?

------ Take a look at ~~mural~~engraving on the wall.
Engraved on the wall is a masterful rendition of Bomul Shomil.
Bomul Shomil is raising Dongitestil, an artifact bucket with the image of Dongitestil, the artifact bucket. Bomul Shomil seems triumphant.

------ Break down the door by throwing sock.
The sock hits the door with a crunch and sticks on the handle. Seems you don't have enough rage to use it like a battering ram.

------ Open door. Put on the sock. Arm self with a spoon and go to meeting hall. Get to canteen and have a meal, mean, drink.
You've decided to overcome your autistic spirit and finally open your room's door. Before leaving you've decided to equip yourself with a spoon and the sock but then thought about where you should go first: the meeting hall, the canteen or the booze stockpile.

------ Inspect the room, checking  your stocks. If there is any outerwear-equip it
Of all the stocks found in the room, there is only a mushroom spawn left over from yesterday's dinner. There's no outerwear, nor for that matter a cabinet to store any, in your room.

------ Exit the room and look where we found ourselves. Before leaving arm yourself with wooden bar
Taking the lock for some reason, you left the room and looked around. You are in the hallway of your apartment block, where you've lived most of your adult life. There is almost nothing to look at here.

------ Also, it would be nice to strain your memory and remember plannig of our fortress, what there is and where.
Inscription, left to right(Russian):
-Haven't been there in 4 years;
-Booze;
-Food;
-Dining hall;
-Well.

Without much straining, you've remembered all the halls and corridors where you've been at least once. On the list: poor housing 1x2, local booze cellar, pantry, canteen, and the meeting hall at the well. You don't know about the rest of the fortress.

------ Come to get drunk.
------ Get meal, mean, drink.
------ Satisfy our physical needs.
------ For this get to bar(booze pile)
You've been thinking about getting a strong drink since you woke up, so it's your #1 task right now.
A bared-ass crazy runs past you, yelling something in an incomprehensible language.

Upon entering the cellar, you find the last barrel of dwarven wine. It seems something is still splashing at the bottom .

------ Check out barell's content
There is just enough left at the bottom of the barrel to fill you up. The alcohol has given you strength and markedly improved your well-being, but gave no joy at all; it's the same damn dwarven wine again! Made from the same damn plump helmets, and made by the same damned brewer!

You recieve +1 bad thought. Along with the thought that you now have to leave your home, you have a total of 2 bad thoughts. 5 bad thoughts lead you to tantrum, so now you gotta act more carefully.

------ Also, take a paper from the back and take a look what's written on it
On the paper you see crooked scrawling in runic dwarwen letters: LIKOT UDENDEB - ONINOAGAK. Roughly translated, it sounds like "Likot SoapEater-anal elf". Taking into account the fact that you are Likot SoapEater - and there is no one else ith that name in the entire fortress - it definitely means someone is deliberately trying to annoy you. +1 bad thought.

------ Come to armor and weapon stockpiles, equip and arm respectively, Also, if there is coin room-use the occasion to stop and to fill pockets with gold.
You don't know where the armory and treasury are. Even if you knew, a soapmaker living in a cheap appartament is unlikely to be allowed.

------ Go to fortress ruler(or whoever responsible) to know about expedition details
You have never seen the ruler (Queen, actually - she's in charge here), and you have no idea where the throne room is, or where she meets with visitors. And the expedition will be announced this evening at the well, where the seven founders will meet.

------ Try to date some dwarfgirl and persuade her to coitus
There is nobody around, so *not sooner than in the evening at the well*. Tne only one you can try to persuade is the bare-ass psycho who is running around here.

------ Get nude and run through the corridors, shouting something in an incomprehensible language (we will not stand out - maybe there that's how it is accepted here).
Nudism is now quite fashionable, especially in the new fortresses, with the unsteady economy. But exhibitionism in our fortress is under strict prohibition - all violators are to be immediately put in solitary confinement, or thrown into the danger room. So running around with *bare "joys"* is too risky - someone could see and turn us in.
// bare "joys" I'm not sure how to change, but I would keep it as it is - the awkward phrasing makes it more funny.

------ Ask a psycho, what the hell is his problem.
It's pointless. That psycho shows all the signs of manic-depressive insanity - stark raving mad, to be precise, which any dwarf can diagnose even without medical training. His problem is probably the failure of his strange mood. He didn't get turtle shell, uncut lapis lazuli, or something like that... so he flew off the rails.

------ Try to remember with whom I was in conflict recently. Also take a closer look on this crooked handwriting, perhaps, I know who did it?
Well, it seems, with no one... you don't even have any real acquaintances, actually. And you've no idea what *non-existent handwriting of non-existent acquaintances* looks like. So it's still a deep secret who wrote that...
// This isn't quite right, but I would keep it again for the humor value.

These and many other thoughts swarm in your head while you sit in the corner, digesting the wine. You feel lousy. You become more and more aware of the fact that in all the years that you've lived here, you amassed no acquaintances nor friends, never worked, and in fact have never deviated from the footworn path Bed-Food-Bed.

------ Wash the mug in the well to cheer up a bit
------ Would not hurt. But first you decided to
------ look on engravings
On the left wall are two messily-carved rising crescents - the symbol of your fortress.
The entire front wall is a portrait of Ubur Limulenog - deceased husband of the Queen.

Rinsing your face, you step away from the depression. You came up with ideas what to do till evening, however you still have no clear plan for the day.

------ Go to the shop, look at the small animals. Buy plump helmet spawn, name it Ananas
You already have plump helmet spawn - it's in your room. Putting it in your cap and caressing it gives you a good thought and settles your nerves a bit.
Your newly-acquired *pet in the cap* has changed your appearance a little for the worse. But its benefits greatly exceed the discomfort. Now you only have two bad thoughts, and tantrum is less likely.
// Not sure on the last sentence, but I think this is what you meant?

The newly-acquired *pet in the cap* has changed your appearance for the worse.

------ Use the spoon to winkle a lock out of the door - it might be useful. l
After carefully examining both sides of the door, you don't find anything like a lock. The only thing it was 'locked' with is the wooden board you've been dragging all morning.

------ Search for a room with no dwarf inside and enter (break down the door if needed). Search for some loot in there
Suddenly, you feel the waking of unknown forces from the depths. You see a vision - right behind the wall in the next room there is definitely something that rightfully belongs to you and no one else, and you just have to take it. *Dwarven special clairvoyance* has been quiet for the last four years, and you're surprised to feel these divination abilities again.
// Totally leave *this part* as it is, even though it's awkwardly-phrased.

------ REGAIN SECOND SOCK NOW
Oh yeah, it's a great sock! Don't even have to break down the door to get this gem.

------ Find out how it got into another room.
It didn't get in other room. Maybe it was always there, but the sock became yours just now.

------ On the way to the dining room make sure statue is about the same plot like our room's engraving, take a look engravings around bedrooms Fuuuu-face style one near well.
1. Yeah, It is the same. Bomul "Wooden Stave" Sholil, whose carved mug grins at you every morning in your bedroom. And the bucket's the same.
2. Some of the everyday life stories of the fortress.  Ubur Limulenlog removes Urist Mekurigril from the position of captain of the guard. Urist did not give it much importance.
3. This is Tok Buketotil. Tok is surrounded by mosquitoes. Tok looks terrified.

------ Pull out chicken feather from pillow.
------ Take the calendar from the door, check out what's the date today
After reading "How to Quickly Clutter Inventory for Dummies," you've realized that you ABSOLUTELY NEED the calendar and a chicken feather.
About the date - today is the 24th of Opal. The 23rd of Opal is marked with red on the calendar. Something happened yesterday, something important for owner of this room.

------ Jump to bed, strike a menacing pose.
You strike a menacing pose.
Wow, that was a fuckin' waste of time.
// Yo, I fucking lost it right here, that is THE BEST.

------ Realize you're hungry.
------ Go to the dining room for lunch
------ Get grub and booze, and go to the meeting hall
------ Go to store food and whip yourself emergency reserve for the trip. Just in case.
------ Maybe it's time to have a bite, wine probably caused our appetite to wake up, maybe it'll raise our mood.
About time. It's already noon, and you have had anything to eat yet. After making a bag out of bed sheets, you put your stuff inside, hang it on the spoon, and moved in the direction of the pantry. But you hesitate in front of the door, and wonder if it's worth it to go inside.

------ Morons, don't go to pile, don't you see miasma in there! You'll get bad thought. Rather take a look at the bucket.
Looking for a good reason to go into the miasma room, you decide to take a look at the bucket. Reviewing it carefully, you don't find anything unusual or exciting, it's just a washing bucket - noticeably smaller then THE BUCKET you've seen on engravings and statues. Unfortunately, you didn't get a good thought.

------ If it the bucket from the engraving, removed from the chain, put on the head, cover with cap to hide
Bucket won't fit on your head.  And it's doubtful that it's actually an artifact...

------ Maybe we just dwarfcraft something of board and bucket at once! It's so funny!
With a little imagination, you dwarfcraft a bucket and board HELICOPTAAAAH and leave this shit near the well.

------ Take pillowcase, soak it with wine remains from the barrel, wind on the face and enter into a pile room
Having put the wet pillowcase on your face, you prepare to open the door to the pantry.

Dramatically flung open the door, you suprisingly have found for yourself that...


... miasma not only gets under the mask, but also brutally hurts your eyes! Even after taking all the necessary precautions, you've still underestimated the danger of this horrible, caustic substance.
Even a brutal dwarf like you instantly limps like a sissy.
// I had to look up 'lachrymatory' myself - while accurate, it's not a word in common usage, so I re-jiggered this a little.

------ Shut the door. Dip tearful face into the well. Go look for grub in the dining room.
------ Open the door and let miasma out. Let the whole fortress joy.
Barely dragging yourself out of the purple cloud, you blindly try to shut the door, but fail to catch it with your hand. You let it vent out while you limp to the well.

Grimacing like a randy baboon, you try to spew a stream of vomit. Fortunately, due to the fact that wine digests and works into you quickly enough, you didn't spoil the well water with your *beautiful inner world*.
// Not sure on what to do here (I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't come across clearly and I'm not sure how to change it), but fucking LOL at all of this!

------ Wait until it's ventilated and then finally take something to devour. BTW check if there is somebody dead inside.
When the air has cleared, you go inside and examine the contents of the barrels. Three of them are full of plump helmets, on the bottom of a fourth you find a few pieces of salted crundle meat, and a stack of trays in the corner holds rotten roast made out of minced dwarven wine. It seems that it was that roast which spoiled the local atmosphere. You've put some meat and mushrooms in a bag and gone to the dining hall to eat.

------ Well, if we're going, keep going
Really, keep going. On the way you disassemble HELICOPTAAH and enter the canteen. It's quite dirty, but you find a clean-looking table and chair. With this meal, you have reduced the number of bad thoughts to two.

------ Go to the west. Why not, time to change things in our live.
Now, since you're no loger hungry and no longer plagued by the need for booze, it's possible to explore the area - to the west, where you haven't been these last few years. You vaguely recall that that's the main part of the fortress.

You remember this place. It's the place you found your red sock four years ago, with your dwarven telepathy. But where this ladder and hatch leads - you don't really remember. You even forgot which way you came from when you were just settling in.