tsl6

Lesson 3
Connection
Building the Strongest Connections of your Life
Week 5
The Social Dynamic to Be the Better Man
What you will learn
This document will teach you how to connect with other any person
through simple art of conversation. It can be done in any environment,
and if you do it right you will have the result of the people that are good for
you come closer, and the people that are not good for you move further
from your life.
In order to accomplish this you need to be active.
You will need to -
• Study the Theory
• Apply it
• Be Yourself
First we start with the
Theory & Definitions
Next we move to
Building & Constructing our Conversations
Finally
Learning the Technique of Rapport Cycling
Connection -
When 2 or more people come together and create something new. At its
simplest form 2 things make a new thing. This could be as simple a you
are your friend coming together and having a new idea that you share, to
that moment when you realize you really are attracted to this woman in a
conversation and she feels it too. Connection is how all things in this
world transform into something new. It is also how you transform
internally and externally.
It is all about connection. If you can’t connect, we need to get you there.
If you can connect, what you’re going to learn will dramatically improve
your life.
One of the highest values you can attain in life is the ability to connect with
people. Connection is gives us great value in being human as well as
makes us unique. All things connect, but humans connect in a unique way.
Connection gives us so much value, pleasure, self-worth and personal
dimension.
Connection is so important that is will not only help us in meeting the right
woman, but it will help us in all the areas of our life. If we are not able to
connect, we will have poor relationships in all of our areas. If we are able
to connect with our authentic self the result of our life is simple -
We will have all the right people in our lives and the people that aren’t right
for us won’t be in our lives.
When people learn to connect through TSL, everything gets better. If they
had a great career, it will get better. If they were abel to make friends, they
will make better friends. And of course if you are meeting women, you’ll
meet better women and have better experiences with them.
Born to Be Social -
Being social is our nature. We were born to do it. This is at the core of
TSL’s Philosophy. You were born to be sexual, you were born to be social.
However, how we live is not natural. We live in a world that is a distortion
of how we were evolved to live. It would be absurd to move backwards
and throw away our massive population, technology and way of life.
What we do need to realize is that before any of the things we consider
‘Normal’ we were meant to connect with people. This is at the root of our
happiness and satisfaction. Before we were meant to drive cars, go to
work or even sign up for this program we were meant to talk to one
another and feel good.
Our biggest problem is not these extra things, but that these extra things
will make us happy. What makes us happy is connection, food, shelter
and safety. These are what we were made to do.
Now if you’re not social, or you have heavy social anxiety or in some way
you’ve experienced some things that make connecting horrible, just know
you were born to do it. No matter where you are at in life or what you have
experienced, being a happy social being is already in you.
The Art of a Conversation -
Being a Social Artist
At TSL we pride ourselves on a lot of things. Being Sexual, Being
Authentic and Being great expressions of being, but we start with Being a
Social Artist First!
If we can connect we can literally build any type of social interaction off of
that. If we can use ourselves and be authentic we can become friends
with that person, lovers with that person or even see if they’re the right
person for a job we are looking to hire someone.
Our goal is to be social, yet have all the best tools to be social. When we
can mix these 2 things we become a Social Artist.
The Social Artist can carry a conversation in any situation that reflects him.
For instance if the Social Artist finds someone who only likes 1 of 20
things he likes, he can engage with them. Have a deep conversation and
connection. If the Social Artist connects with someone that has nothing in
common with him, he does what is best for him…he walks away. There is
no reason to have a social dynamic that builds relationships with the
wrong people in your life.
Social Health, Sexual Health -
Mush like there not being a reason to build relationships with the wrong
people in you life, there is no reason to be Socially Unhealthy.
Being Socially Unhealthy is a term we use at TSL to describe the
phenomenon of having the skill to be social, but not be fulfilled. Because
being social is at the core of our humanity it gives use great fulfillment.
However when we don’t emphasize connection and become unfulfilled
with our social interactions. We search for definitions outside of
connection and exchange and start building our social life and fulfillment
off of status, and control.
In the Social Dynamics Industry they create this sort of personality as well
as the culture in general.
Some of the traits are -
• Ability to talk to people but not be themselves
• Does not experience happiness from talking to new people
• Desires controlling a conversation rather than seeing what’s possible
• Does not have close friends
• Has a negative view on people
Our goal is to have many friends, a positive attitude and be expressions of
ourselves. We want the right people in our lives and the wrong people out.
To make this happen Authenticity is number 1! We need to be ourselves
and express it to the world. This is the root of being Socially Healthy.

The Myth of Approaching & other Anti-social Behaviors
Approaching will not make you better with women or people. It only puts
you in a position to make a connection. What will make you a better
version of you and better with women is connecting to people and
knowing what to do with that connection.
People who emphasize approaching as their main tool of instruction or
growth end up cultivating people that become Socially Unhealthy.
Do not emphasize the Approach with yourself. Emphasize the ability to
connect . You may have to approach to connect, but the connection is the
goal!
Cultivating a connection - mental, emotional, physical
When we connect with someone we want that connection to be accessing
all parts of them and ourselves. Openness is our best way to self-express.
At TSL we emphasize the ability to connect using our Mental, Emotional
and Physical selves.
This means we exchange and connect with how we think and what we
think. We exchange and connect with how we feel and what we feel, we
also exchange and connect with how we use our bodies and what our
bodies feel.
This connection needs to be built and moved in the right direction. We
need to first express what we feel (in a socially appropriate way that will be
effective).
Our pattern and goal is always to assert who we are (Mentally, Emotionally
& Physically) and elicit who they are (Mentally, Emotionally & Physically).
If we can build a path flowing back and forth doing this we will build
connection. If we can steer it in a specific direction we can have influence,
if we can exchange our intent we has seduction.
Definitions
• Qualification - Function & Phenomenon
• Rapport - Function & Phenomenon
• Rapport Cycling
Qualification - Assert yourself and see if it is accepted.
Qualification is very dynamic on our social interactions. There are many
qualities to it as you will see. First it is to assert who you are, and see if it
is accepted. This does not mean that the person is compliant in it, but
accepts it.
This could mean you touch a girl and she responds favorably by touching
you back. However if you touch her and she doesn’t act favorably but still
stays there, she is accepting the assertion of you. You have still
implemented the tool of qualification, but you simply need another
expression. Probably not touching.
The Function of Qualification -
We will define this thoroughly in a few moments, however our only function
for qualification is to determine our roles for each other. Is this a person I
like? Is this a person that would be good for the job? Is this a person that
I want to date?
The list can go on…
Once we know how this person is going to fit into our lives we need to
transition into either Rapport or Logistics - in All Social Situations.
The Act of Qualification -
• Qualification can be done with any form of communication.
• Body Language
• Facial Expressions
• Tonality
• Situation
• Touching
• Verbals
Anytime we say who we are and what we want or expect this is
qualification. This is not to control anyone, but to connect with them.

The Phenomenon -
When I assert myself and see if it is accepted I have not stimulated
connection, but I have put myself in an excellent situation for connection.
I am also respecting myself in the act by being myself based on what I
value.
Rapport
The phenomenon that occurs when 2 or more parties begin to exchange.
The Phenomenon of Rapport is when - I care about you and your care
about me begins. This is simple. When I care about what they think about
me, and they care about what I think about them we are connected and
managed by rapport. This is really a beautiful phase in an interaction. This
gives us great meaning and fulfillment.
A great goal to move towards in learning how to connect and communicate
is getting the the this phase where, ‘I care about you, you care about me’
occurs.
I would make this a priority over anything else. It puts you in a good
situation, it will show you what you want, and it is an invaluable skill to
have.
Rapport Cycling
The structured conversation that puts you in rapport and qualification.
This is a very simple technique or structure of conversation that allows you
to express who you are to anybody in any situation that will put you in
rapport with them, and see how they are qualified for your life.
If the situation can have rapport and qualification you can get there using
this.
There are only a few things you need to do Rapport Cycling, but the main
one is your Identity. This is why the Identity Workbook is so important.
Qualification the Theory
4 Functions of Qualification
How we know we are doing it right.
1 - Assert Ourselves -
Show who and what we are. Through this is in itself a way of gaining value
and the only value. In a sense this is not to gain value, but present our
value. This is the only leadership we need to portray.
This should be 1 of the only 2 values we consider. The Value of asserting
ourselves takes self-knowledge and some pride. In order for someone else
to elicit who they are (the 2nd of the 2 Values) you need to pave the way
with being yourself. We need to know that within us to attract what is
outside of us.
Assert my Value to Elicit their Value with the intent to be equal. This is the
nature of rapport and seduction. Emotional, Psychological and Physical
Equality and Balance.
2 - Elicit their value -
This is the main point of human interaction. If we have the ability to elicit
value we have one of the greatest qualities humanity is capable of.
Eliciting value one of the corner stone to all relating, connection, rapport
and seduction. This means it is absolutely necessary to elicit someone’s
value to have a good social, sexual and lifestyle.
Once someone elicits their value you have also calibrated where you are at
in the conversation. This could be done, verbally or non-verbally.
Think about what you value in people and figure out how to get it out of
them using yourself. Ask yourself, ‘What do you value about other
people?’. Then think about, ‘What parts of myself can relate to those
qualities?’
If I value compassion in someone else, I should start thinking about the
detail and uniqueness of that compassion I value in other people. Is it like
a humanitarian aid sort of compassion or is it a personal compassion that is
more intimate with their close friends? Then I need to think, what part of
me relates with that? Possibly my caring for others and actions with
working with others might be something to bring up to elicit that. The road
we teach first is the emotional road of connection.
3 - Guide on a Tactical Level -
In TSL one of the most important concepts is that we guide our
conversations. When we know what we value we know what we want to
talk about. We need to guide what we want to talk about. We should talk
about what we like and our only social dynamic is to allow ourselves to
assert who we are. That is it.
There is a second quality to the to the guide. Once our assertion has laid
its path out then we need to look at their values and see that as a guide as
well. That being said we need to think about how they guide the
conversation. You should ask yourself, “what is this person’s map to their
ideal conversation and connection?’ This is what we want to mix and
influence with. If we want to see how we are qualified and how they are
qualified to talk to us then we need this willingness to walk on their path
and see their guide.
What the true Social Artist does is allow 2 paths to merge.
This can mean I like talking about passions and they like talking about
education. I see passions in art and personal connection. They see
education in discipline and natural intelligence. As an artist of conversation
I need to guide a conversation to have both of those things walk on the
same path.
This is what Rapport Cycling will teach you. I can then tell her about my
passions in art, and allow her to understand that this is my natural state.
Passion and art is my natural intelligence. I may not value eduction in the
same way, but I can make the correlation to the joy of learning what I like
and am passionate about. This builds a bridge to eduction. The goal is to
allow my guide and her guide to sync up. This will allow me to steer the
conversation in a direction where we can both be in rapport and see if we
life each other...hence qualification.
4 - Calibrate on Strategic Level -
What kind of person is this for me, where does this fit in my life. What is the
path of this thing in the future. Trajectory.
We need to calibrate and strategize how you’re going to interact with them.
Is this person going to be a friend, lover, or my waitress? We should be
able to decide how do we want to know this person as early on as possible.
We can always adapt and change directions, but the whole essence and
idea of qualification is to see if the person is ‘qualified’ to talk to us. Is this
person qualifier to talk to us in what role.
One of the problems with most social dynamics is that they don’t see the
overall benefit and goal of socializing. It is only trying to achieve a singular
technique. This makes us think that finding qualification in something other
than seduction or dating is a failure. Most people have a place in our life to
have as friends or something else. We should determine this path as soon
as possible.
Remember there are only 2 reason for a failure in communication -
1 - You weren’t qualified to talk each other.
2 - You used the wrong technique to assert yourself.
Qualification is naturally stimulated when isolated.
Qualification is also necessary for escalation.
Getting Into Rapport & Maintaining It
Simple Technique to Get into Rapport & Maintain it
• The Tipping Point of Rapport
• Steering the Conversation
• Concept > Explanation & Understanding > Specifics Bait into Rapport
• Stacking Qualifiers
• Bait into Rapport
• Circling Backs
• Breaking the tension
• Hard turns
The Tipping Point -
• Unique Qualities
• Eliciting & Finding their Value
• Stimulating Decision
Where Qualification transitions to Rapport
Unique Qualities and Decisions
Finding the Unique - Qualification’s Tipping Point
If there was one thing that would help you out in all of social dynamics it
would be to know where the points of transitions are and how to stimulate
them. This is where TSL is absolutely efficient.
A social interactions transitions to rapport based at a very consistent area
in the conversation - when both people start to care about each other.
One way to stimulate that almost immediately is to notice something
unique about that person. Then you can show interested based on that
unique quality.
Exp -
We are at a diner and there is a table of girls across from us and we want
to talk to them. If we know we want to get to a unique part of one of them
we can structure our form of communication towards that.
“Hey, I got a question for you guys. It has to do with boyfriends. how
many of you are single, because I don’t want to talk to you guys…you’re
too dangerous. You can’t trust a single girl, unless it’s a married and
unhappy girl, then they’re the worst.
Ok so to the girls in a relationship, what makes you love your boyfriend?
In fact, wait a minute, I know you’re single but you look like I just cut you
out of some amazing conversation and that sort of reaction can only mean
1 of 2 things. My best female friend in grade school did the same thing,
but either you will be really cool with me or we will hate each other…let me
ask you something…”
The whole idea of singling her out, and sighting something unique about
her and how I will either get along with her or not will is to show I noticed
something unique about her.
Now in the example above, it is based on fantasy. I’d encourage you to
use things that come from you to get to that point of uniqueness.
However, let’s look at how this can work to transition more and more,
deeper and deeper. A unique quality can be a transition point for all social
and sexual escalation.
We continue to talk to the girl and we know we need to isolate her, so this
is our next step.
“Hey I want to ask you something. But I know if all your friends are around
you’ll probably not give a straight answer, so come over here. It will only
take a minute.”
She comes with you. The other girls exchange looks, and then go about
their conversations.
You have her isolated at different area of the diner, and say…
“Ok I really want to know something about you. Like I said I had a friend
that used to get really shy in the same way that you did…”
What you will see is that we are only going to ask her about what we care
about and value in our lives. We want to attract the right people for us and
if they are not the right people for us then we don’t want them in our lives.
This is why we ask questions on what we value. In this case, ambition and
personal freedom.
“I have a question about what you really want to do in your life. What do
you value most?”
She will be nervous and think about it, maybe even answer, but because
she doesn’t know you, you will need to explain it more. This will make it
easier for her to open up, and see if you’re qualified.
“Well, look, I have never been someone who wasted time with my life. I
always want to be doing something. But often times I don’t know how to
do it. My ambition is too much for what I know how to do. I guess what I
am asking you, is what in your life is most important. I know it is a big
question, but just give me the first thing off the top of you head?”
She answers
“Now here is the real question, do you get to live and express that?”
She thinks and then tries to answer, but it is a big question and she barely
knows you. This is where you, the Social Artist needs to notice things
about her that are unique and insert your pivot point or qualification to
move it to rapport and connection.
“Look, you don’t need to answer, it is a big question. I can already tell that
you think in a very abstract way, but that is how creative people are. It is
really awesome. I know you need to get back to your friends, and I can tell
I would really get along with you, give me your number and we should
hang out where we could actually get to know each other.”
Now this may work or it may not work. If we look back at the Attraction
Workbooks we know that if something doesn’t work it was because of 1 of
2 reason.
We didn’t use the right social dynamic to assert ourselves. This means we
didn’t use the right technique or do it right that shows…who we are.
or
We weren’t meant to talk to one another. We were not qualified for each
other.
What you can see, is it is the unique qualities we notice about her that
stimulates how we transition move deeper in connection
Eliciting & Finding their Value
This is fundamental in the ability to move forward in any conversation.
Luckily human beings give off many social cues as to how they show their
values. This is one of the very reason why we suggest the mirror and
observer exercises. These exercises specifically will help you read people
and their emotions from the moment interaction starts. The better you can
read people the more you will find that you can build instant connections.
Like finding a unique quality about someone or getting them to make a
decision if you can find what that person values, you have the window to
connection. You’re social interaction will turn instantly into a deep and
meaningful interaction.
Let’s learn this in the most efficient way possible.
1 - Learn how to read people by doing mirror work, infield interactions and
people watching (the Observer ex).
2 - Picking up on social cues. When talking to people you need to start
making assumptions about them via the interaction. When you’re being
the observer, you’re not interacting with them. Here we are saying, build
the muscle of realtime social interaction. When interacting with people,
start being aware of what you think about this person. What is their
personality like? What to they value? What communicates with them
best?
With this in mind begin to start changing your interactions towards them.
3 - Reading their Values -
People will say one thing and really mean another. One’s value and
purpose is much deeper than what they can say right off the interaction.
They literally are in capable of stating their value, because their mind is in
‘social mode’.
If you gain social experience and you are able to be cognitive while doing
so (like the above and previous exercises - Observer, Social Cues and so
on) you will begin to see there are 4 or 5 main personality archetypes that
people fall into. These are some to get you stared, but you need to make
your own.
The Visionary - Someone who has big dreams, and creates. They are
often unstable with their vision, but they are efficient in other areas of their
life that conflict with their vision. Their lifestyle is dependent on where they
are at with their vision. If they are active, it is the most important thing. If
they are stagnant with it or lost in it, they are unhappy. If they have not yet
become active, they are ambitious but not able to figure out what they
want.
If they are talking about what they want to do or are trying to explain their
purpose but can’t articulate it, that is a good sign for the visionary path.
The Doer - Efficient, wants to work. This person values
independence and vales themselves in how independently
sustainable they are. They usually have friends but are selfish when
it comes to doing what they need to do. Often times you will hear
this person say they value success or money, however their real
value is what they will do with that. In fact you would also need to
determine how they value success and money, if it is status oriented
they move in a different social category. This person is gong to
communicate and open up to someone who sees them as
responsible, and often times is the most responsible person in their
group. If you notice that about them, they will like it. If they have a
lot of dysfunctional people in their lives they will have most likely
grown up with a chaotic childhood and they need to take care of
people.
The Searcher - This person is in a place in their life where they are
not yet where they need to be. They are in the mode of life, but they
are not yet able to really do what they want. You will find them doing
what they are supposed to do…school, job, date how the magazines
and media tell them to. Because of this they are always looking.
They are always looking for something outside of themselves to fulfill
them. If someone starts saying something like, ‘If I could only do
XYZ, but I have YZX…’ you can bet they are a searcher. This person
you would want to communicate to in voicing of new beginnings,
seeing something personal within them and encouraging them to do
more. However, they are also very good at communicating in a grey
world, so this is also a route to go. You valuing the plain old simple
stuff that empowers their story of mediocrity. ‘Let’s just hangout and
enjoy the simple things…’
The Chaos - This person is not in the greatest place. Anybody that
complains, blames and has a cause to back it up is someone who is
in the chaos mode. There are 2 things that can happen here, you
can join her cause or conflict with it. However, this person invites
drama and chaos as well. Be careful.
Most people like this will have a lot to talk about, but listening to
them and entertaining that will put you in a role of following. This roll
with them is not good. What you will see is the people who conflict
with them are who they allow most close. For instance, if they are
complaining about people using them, that is what they are used
to…people using them. Just know, you’re really inviting a lot of
chaos, and even if you think you can handle it, you’ll have to accept
it at some point.
The Idealist - This person is someone who believes in something
and tries to live by it. The difference with their beliefs is that they are
very personal. It does not need a religion or accuse to justify it. It
can be around a religion, but this person does not blame and hold on
to resentment. They are able to live what they believe. They will say
something along the lines of ‘I believe’ or ‘What I really want’, ‘I’m a
spiritual person’… and be proud of it. They will bring it up without
much stimuli either. In talking to them, you need to see what they
believe, and also highlight a feeling you have rather than something
specific. If you talk with someone who is like this, talk about
passions and destiny and they will speak that language.
When socializing you need to realize you are the only constant. This
means you are going to always be the same, everyone else is different.
Because of this you are going to cultivate a whole different set of
personalities and so on.
In the case of Steve, he is always going to talk about sex, sexual
relationships, passions and so on. The topics aren’t what is making
rapport work, they are what makes him express and build path ways on.
He will elicit completely different values with the same women than
someone who values, hard work, efficiency and family values. This is why
you need to interact with your real self and see what paths come up often.
These 5 personality types come from Steve, but it is best if you come up
with your own. A simple example of this is when Steve met with Vin
DiCarlo. Vin said, women who have been abused are quiet about their
sexuality. Girls who haven’t been abused are loud with their sexuality.
Steve said, ‘This is not true, women who are loud with their sexuality are
usually loud, rehabs prove this.’. However, what eventually happened is
Steve said, this mainly just shows the road you like to follow with these
types of girls as Vin DiCarlo. Vin takes the quiet approach with a woman
who has had sexual trauma, and a loud path with a woman who hasn’t.
Vin has a different expression than Steve, and a different motive. 2 very
different beliefs and perspectives make 2 very different paths that are both
effective.
Stimulating a Decision
All social dynamics can also revolve around a decision someone makes.
This means when you decide to buy that car, or decide to take that job, or
decide to go on that date is when we allow ourselves to become truly
engaged and invested in the experience.
When it comes to building Rapport and Connection with people we know
that at some point we need to guide people to decisions. Mainly to
engage with us in the ways we want. When they do this, it makes it easier
to allow themselves to open up and interact. Bottom line is we want to be
having connections with the real person in front tot us, not their front or
facade.
One gate way to that is their decision they make.
Exp 1 -
We are selling someone a bicycle. They have come over to our house and
they are not sure about the purchase, but we know what the bike is worth
to us and we are going to sell it for that.
They say, “I’m not sure about it, but if you could go down about $50 I’d
buy it now.”
You were not planning on selling it at that price, so you tell them, “Look I
wasn’t planning on that price, but let me ask you something, ‘What would
you use it for, maybe I know of someone else who might have a bike
you’re looking for…’
They start to tell you about their needs. Commuting around town and
having there for recreation.
You say, “Well, look, I can tell you this, a buddy of mine owns a bike shop
that has some great bikes there that really would serve your need.
however they’re a bit more expensive, because they’re at the store. But I
would go there if and just get what I want…. I will say that this bike did all
those things for me and more. In fact I can remember I used this trailer
you attach to it to go to the crookery store and load it up. It is the ultimate
commuter bike. I mean you know you want a bike today right?
(acknowledgment) and you have the budget for a little bit cheaper, I mean
one of the reasons why I am asking for that price is because I know how
good of a bike it is and besides it is all tuned up. What if I told you I could
go $20 lower?”
The person thinks about it and counters.
Then you say, “You know what, I better not. I really can’t go any cheaper
than that.”
The person buys it.
Now the reason why this happens is because the more a person decides
they want what you have and interact with them having that thing the
harder it is to walk away.
However, let’s take another look at an example when it comes to
socializing -
Exp 2 -
You are at a Social Mixer for young professionals. You meet a girl and she
has a ton of great qualities. Attractive, charismatic and sensual. You
know that you just met her and you’re only 15mins into the interaction but
you want to start noticing unique qualities to transition off of and get her to
make decisions based off your unique ways of communicating. This will
be a tipping point for you in the interaction.
You ask her -
“Hey I got a question for you and I can already tell you’re someone I would
get along with, but what about you makes you really want to live life? Like
what do you live for?”
She is nervous about this question, because it is too intense. However the
first decision you’re trying to get with her is the decision to feel
comfortable with you. So rather than pressuring her you tell her,
“Well I don’t want to put you on the spot, I have already made you
nervous. I’m only asking because I can tell you think deep. How we have
interacted for the last few minutes has really made an impression on me.”
Notice the unique qualities being pointed out? Now we will move to reask the question in a way she can decide to answer it.
“I know that people who can think in ways that are really from their core,
like you, know what they live for, but expressing it is really hard. Here is an
easier question. What was the most important thing to you when you
were a kid and it motivated you to move in the direction you are in, in life?”
She thinks about it. That is great! She might need your help with an
answer because it is an intense question, but she has already made a
decision to entertain the question. remember Qualification is not
compliance, but to assert yourself and see if it is accepted. She is
accepting. She is deciding to try and communicate with you.
“Let me ask you something that makes more sense. I think in ways that
don’t always communicate best. What are some qualities of a person you
see in your best friends? That usually shows what you really value most.
In fact let me tell you mine, just so I am not coming across like someone
with 20 questions. I just want to see if I’m right about his ‘hunch’ I have
about you…”
This is mainly to alleviate pressure and allow her to be intrigued by parts of
you. If she gains interest into parts of you, that is a decision. A small one,
but still a decision.
“My 2 best friends are very different, but their qualities unify in me. Joel is
this totally focused family man and the embodiment of integrity. He is
super determined and very responsibly. Arnold is opposite. He’s
responsible but kinda wild and just is willing to live life like someone who
wants to live. In fact they are both that way to some degree. Including
myself.
I want to live and show myself to the world, I think everybody does. That
is why I am asking you. What get’s us in the way of showing our true
selves it not being able to communicate that. If could communicate what
you really wanted to do, or express would you?”
She thinks and says, ‘Yes’
So you say, “Well, what is it? How would you show that?”
She thinks, maybe even tell you. But she shows pat of herself - Unique
qualities, that’s a tipping point.
“Look, I know this seems weird, but I would be stupid if I didn’t say
anything, I can tell that you’re an awesome person I would want to know
more of. Let’s talk in a place where we can talk more sometime later this
week or next. In fact I don’t want to put on too much pressure, I only want
to do it if you feel the same way…”
That last line is probably unnecessary but it really stimulates her decision
being a part of the equation. That decision is a true tipping point of
rapport and connection. The little decisions in the dialog are important,
but the main decisions come when you’re showing you like her, and she is
deciding to stay and talk to you and deciding to listen to you and your
thoughts more.
Later on when we move to escalation, decision making it the ultimate
tipping point that will unleash women. In fact, as you will learn, it is all
seduction. All our social dynamics are modeled off of seduction. And
seduction is activated by the same 2 tipping points of uniqueness and
decision.
Foundational Technique of Rapport & Qualification
Steering the Conversation
As we know from the 4 functions of qualification, the questions we ask
determine where we want to go. This is key for fulfillment. If we ask
someone else’s questions then we will build someone else’s relationships.
Qualification in the form of asking a question allows us a time to simply
insert where we want to go and how we want to move.
Someone can be talking about the weather, and for no reason other than
wanting to be ourselves we can interrupt or smoothly transition into a topic
we want to talk about. In fact why not pick directly from the Identity
Workbook?
Hey I have a question that is about how people perceive you, in fact when
I was growing up my self perception was XXXX, how did your self
perception influence how you think?
I have to ask you, what do you find attractive about people? Not just
physically, but how they think? What is the most attractive quality about
how someone thinks?
Because you have thought about this, you should be able to talk about it.
Don’t worry about how hard some of these things might be hard to talk
about, that is what we have calls for. However, we need to know that we
need to talk about what is important to us and build our conversations and
relationships based off of that.
Concept > Explanation & Understanding > Specifics
Ideas and Concepts not Details -
What Connects vs what Divides
Definitions divide, concepts build bridges of connection. When talking
about things we are passionate about many times we talk about it in a way
that is so specific no one can relate. we need to start thinking about the
concepts of what we are into and articulating that. Once that is
established we can move to the particulars.
Let’s take computer engineering and programming
If you’re passionate about that, then you should talk about it. But talk
about what you’re passionate about in it first, then talk about the specific.
Exp - “I love figuring things out. I love working with things that are
complex and absolute in their nature. Their meaning gives me pure
definition. It is like pure expression. Some people don’t get this, but I love
the way things express themselves. This is how I fell in love with coding
and then becoming an engineer. How do you express yourself?”
Or perhaps we can take a topic like teaching men how to get laid as your
profession…
That’s a hard sell.
Exp - “One thing I love is people. I don’t discriminate between people or
with how people live. In fact that is important to me. How people love, feel
and connect. How men are motivated, how women are motivated and
what makes them move. It is funny because our culture sells sex as a
commodity of ‘cool’ or branding or status, but it never is open about it.
That’s why at the core of what I do is about how people have sex, and how
people connect with sex. What motivates men and what motivate
women…What motivates you in what you’re attracted to?”
In both examples, rather than getting caught up in the particulars of it all I
start with the Concepts of Connecting, Passion, Expression and so on.
Then I explain those things. When I explain them so they’re understood I
can define them and be specific.
If you have something you want to talk about, follow that pattern -
Concept > Explanation & Understanding > Specifics
Stacking Qualifiers
Very simple, very effective.
Sometimes we are not able to get far enough in our questions or qualifiers.
But if we double stack them or triple stack them we can move VERY far!
It goes deeper and more to the point you want.
For instance let’s say you want to talk about sex and you have just started
this conversation with someone, like 1 min in.
You notice something unique about her, like her choice in how she combs
her hair. This allows you to assume she is someone who is openminded,
but you want to talk about sex and elicit her sexuality. Here’s what you
say if you’re going to stack qualifiers -
“You know you comb your hair in a very creative way, I know this sounds
weird but it reminds me of what a friend told me once…but I am not sure if
I should say this…
Well are you an openminded person?”
She starts to think and you start to stack on another question,
“You know what here’s a better question, everyone thinks they’re open
minded but are you someone who attracts openminded people?”
She says, ‘yes’
“That’s great, here is what I really wanted to ask you, because my you
remind me of someone with your hair and she said, that who you attract is
based on what you put out, for instance if you’re beautiful but afraid you
attract people that are afraid in your life. So the first thing I noticed about
you was that you’re expressive and it really has this weird way of me
feeling open with you, do you get that a lot?”
She smiles and agrees.
You stack another question moving in another direction.
“Well what I really mean is, how often do you have relationships with men
that notice who you are and how you interact? Like has a man ever
touched you or connected with you or even made love to that side of
you?”
Bait into Rapport
When I am having trouble getting into rapport and my conversation is
going nowhere I go back to good old bait. It is simple and easy.
If I want to transition hard to a specific topic then I simply bait -
Exp - “Hey, you know what, I know we are talking about the weather and
that is great but…you know what, I can’t ask you this, you’ll be too
offended…”
(Wait for the push back)
“Ok it has to do with sex and relationships, but I am not sure if you will get
it without being offended. Are you relaxed. It is kind of an important
question. What is the most important thing a guy can do in a relationship
to make you feel fulfilled?”
Exp - “Ok this is kind of a crazy subject, and it is a little bit off topic, but
I’m not sure if I should ask you or not…”
(Push back)
“Well it has to do with how I grew up and how my parent’s divorce shaped
how I think today. Let me ask you, how did growing up for you shape how
you think?”
You can see how this technique can allow for a huge connection to take
place. Of course we will need to continue with the conversation after this,
but try it out! We’ll show you how to continue on!
Circling Back
This is when we are having a conversation and we need to re-stimulate an
old topic. Anytime there are 2 people or more and they’re talking tangents
start. Let’s say you were talking about a certain thing and you never
finished you thought, or didn’t get to the point you were intending to make;
however, now the conversation is on building railroads and American
history!?!?!?!
You can always circle back, and it is almost too easy -
Simply Interrupt and say, “You know, I don’t mean to change the subject
but I want to bring back up the idea of intimacy in our culture it that is ok
with you…”
Circling Back is something we negate far too often and let conversations
slip away from us. Always talk about what you want to talk about. If you
don’t assert yourself, then it is your fault for living someone else’s
relationship.
Breaking the Tension
Rapport is something that can be very intense, especially when we switch
to it fast and get deep fast. When this happens, you need to be a true
Social Artist and notice that it has moved too fast. As you can see in the
examples above, we include statements to break tension and allow a calm
comfort to be established. We want a fluid decision with someone, not a
reaction. Someone can doubt a reaction, but not a decision.
The easiest way to deal with this is to call it out, and don’t be afraid to do
it more than once.
“Hey, I noticed I’m making you nervous. I don’t want to be talking to
someone who is talking to me in reactions, and not communicating. Let’s
stop talking about it is it is making you uncomfortable…but if not let me
ask you…”
Most of the time we make a simple redirect with it all.
This you will see come up over and over again in example after example.
Hard Turns
At TSL we love our Hard Turns! This is when you simply interrupt and
break whatever conversation and insert a new topic.
If you’re not having your conversation, you’re having someone else’s and
you will never have your relationships by having someone else’s
conversation. Learn to assert who you are!
Exp - “hey I don’t mean to interrupt, but I want to ask you about a
completely different topic…it has to do with how you chose your career.
Because how I chose my line of work is truly amazing to me….”
Own your conversation, own your identity and assert it.
If the conversation is moving in a vague direction you need a Hard Turn.
5 Principles of Persuasion
This comes from an emotional map of sales. It is quick and simple and
can be adapted to many different ways of communication that are not
necessarily sales.
• Determine Role
• Elicit what they Want
• Show how you Provide That
• ‘It only makes sense’
• Action/Invest
1 - Determine Role -
First you need to see about the logistics. Is this person capable of doing
what you’re looking for. Can they buy something? Are they able to meet
up with you? Are they looking for sex?
2 - Elicit what they want -
In any social situation you need to know what they want. You need to
know what is within them that will be fulfilled by other people’s getting
what they want. This is qualification, but if you can get into rapport and
connect to their deeper sides then you can find that. What do they really
want from a relationship? What do they really want from sex? What do
they really want from making these connections?
3 - Show how you Provide That -
If you have got it, show them how you can give them what they want.
They really want to be fulfilled.
In sales it would be simple. The client tells the salesman, “I know I want
more revenue, but what I really want is for my business to connect to its
clients…”
Now the sales man knows what the client really wants. He wants to
connect to his clients. He needs to use that voicing.
The salesman says, ‘Look I can tell you right now, our job is to make
revenue grow and we are the best at that, but let me tell you a story about
my last client. In fact I will show you the letter he wrote me. He told me
that, ‘I can finally have a relationship with my clients and my business that I
never had. My business is my expression…’
Here the sales man is saying he can fulfill the client’s desire.
In terms of women it might get more complex because relationships speak
a different language, but you can follow the same steps and be a little bit
creative.
If you are good at qualification and rapport (like what you’re learning now)
you will hear a lot about what people want in their relationships.
A woman tells you she wants men to respect her. You first need to
determine if that is what she really wants. Sometimes when women say
this, they actually want the opposite. She is more responsive to someone
who doesn’t respect her if she is saying she wants respect. You will need
to truly determine what she really wants, and it might not be what she is
saying.
If she really wants a man with respect, then you probably can’t just say
that. You need to show her that you’re a man of respect. You might say
something like this -
“You know, we were talking about respect and disrespect before, and I can
tell you this…I have always been someone that believed people get what
they put out. If they don’t believe in themselves and respect themselves
they won’t be able to take any respect given to them. For instance, if I told
you, you were beautiful and deserved to be treated that way, would you
accept that, or push me away? Could you take the respect I am giving
you?”
Let’s say you determine she doesn’t really want respect, you could say the
same thing, bit change the ending…
“You know, we were talking about respect and disrespect before, and I can
tell you this…I have always been someone that believed people get what
they put out. If they don’t believe in themselves and respect themselves
they won’t be able to take any respect given to them. So let me ask you,
why don’t you get that? You have every advantage, you’re hot, I can tell
you’re passionate and have a beautiful body to make love to, but from why
don’t you get what you want? It all that worth attracting assholes? If I told
you, I want to treat you like a queen, would you let me or fight me…give
me your number and let’s meet up this week.”
You need to be able to read people and connect with them on the
language they speak from within. If you don’t your skill and technique of
rapport has no meaning.
4- ‘It only makes sense’ -
Once you have elicited what someone wants, you need to then tell them -
“Well, you want this and I offer that, it only makes sense that we connect.”
Don’t let people to decide on their own. Have people be led into how you
can connect best with them. Believe it or not, you can make a massive
emotional impact on someone and not tell them ‘It only makes sense” and
lose it.
You need to be a powerful guide in this.
5 - Action/Invest -
The last and final stage is to get them to take action and invest. When it
comes to women, this action is once again a decision. They need to
decide that this is best for them. If it has a sexual component they need to
feel turned on and aroused by you, and see that you specifically see them.
If it is to buy something, they should buy it right at that point. This is
where timing is key!
Strike while the iron is hot!
Let’s Get Active!
Visit your Weekly Assignments and Do Them…
Next Week -
Rapport Cycling Breakdown & Workshopping