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- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:40:17 EDT 1992
- Article: 1585 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071645.8724@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:16:45 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 127
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19502 rec.humor.d:1585
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
- It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have
- it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more
- economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every
- 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
- A user rings
- "Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
- "It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock
- speed"
- "Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know
- when it will be fixed?"
- "Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
- so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
- "But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
- Laser Print.."
- "SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
- Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
- The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
- gruff voice
- "HELLO, SALARIES!"
- "Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
- "YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
- money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
- time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By
- the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
- DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
- I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
- try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
- and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
- "Hello?" she answers
- "Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
- IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
- "I think so..." she says
- "TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
- "Um. Ok"
- "AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE
- IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PUURITY TEST IN IT..."
- I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
- "DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON"
- She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
- about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for
- some good late-night reading.
- Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology
- is wonderful, isn't it.
- Another user rings.
- "I need more space" he says
- "Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
- "No, on my account, stupid."
- Stupid? Uh-Oh..
- "I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart
- in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said"
- I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
- and he knows it.
- "Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
- "Sure, hang on"
- I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpeice.
- "There, you've got plenty of space now"
- "How much have I got"
- Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them
- extra space, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough.
- They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*
- Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
- "Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
- "Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his bargaining power
- "No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, room temperature "4 Meg in
- total"
- "Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
- I say nothing. It'll come to him.
- "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
- I kill me; I really do
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:41:41 EDT 1992
- Article: 1586 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071726.8725@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:17:26 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 95
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19503 rec.humor.d:1586
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2
- I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings
- me on the phone. I pick it up.
- "Hello?" I say.
- "Who is this?" they say
- "It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course
- "Me Who?"
- "Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself
- having to end this game.
- Too LATE! I get killed.
- Now I'm pissed!
- "What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)
- "Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."
- "Which package is that?"
- "Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."
- >clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<
- "Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."
- "oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of
- my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at
- home in case the worst happens.."
- "The worst?"
- "Well, like they get deleted or something..."
- "DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*)
- "What was your username?"
- He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)
- >clickety clikc<
- "But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping
- from my vocal chords.
- "Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"
- So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar...
- >clickety click<
- "Oh no, I made a mistake" I say
- Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear..
- "I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"
- "Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"
- "Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this
- morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in
- when it goes off."
- "That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"
- "Which one was that?"
- He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..
- "Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."
- >clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files"
- "But..."
- "But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"
- "Oh, thank goodness!!!"
- "Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE
- MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"
- I'm such a prick!
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:44:09 EDT 1992
- Article: 1587 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071748.8726@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:17:48 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 99
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19504 rec.humor.d:1587
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3
- So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie
- before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY too
- long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I
- kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time.
- Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones that takes
- about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary experience)
- I get back and clear the printouts.
- There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts. That's
- about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put out
- the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with "ACCOUNTS
- TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual.
- . . .
- I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room
- closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame-grabber's
- Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone
- rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to
- me!
- "Yes?" I say, pausing the picture.
- "I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the line
- says.
- "You have? What was your username?"
- He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored.
- "Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
- "What?"
- "I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in
- any of your subjects!"
- "Huh?"
- "And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend
- and we both know it."
- "Huh?!!"
- "Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.."
- "How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL!"
- "In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called
- you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
- >click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
- him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
- "I didn't send any.."
- >clickety< >click<......
- "No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though,
- It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy clikc< "..change my username back,
- and..."
- "b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date
- "Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start
- over..."
- I hang up.
- Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss.
- He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions something
- about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to do...", with
- the dots and everything.
- Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying the
- poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about what
- lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call.
- Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top
- of the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders
- list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on.
- A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the poor
- pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't.
- But tommorrow is another day.
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:46:02 EDT 1992
- Article: 1588 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071807.8727@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:18:07 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 117
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19505 rec.humor.d:1588
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4
- It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take
- some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.
- "I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams
- "Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover
- and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone
- call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"
- Hook; Line; and Sinker...
- "Oh. I'm sorry."
- "That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password
- to something nasty in the next couple of days.
- "Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.
- Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.
- "Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"
- "Thanks"
- "No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that
- script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think-
- ing about)
- The phone rings again.
- "Hello?"
- "Hi there" I say
- "Is this the Operators?"
- "Yes it is" I say, nice as pie
- "Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed
- them over 5 minutes ago"
- "Your username?" I ask
- He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say,
- and head to the printers.
- There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the
- top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink-
- stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the
- loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.
- Beautiful.
- "Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer
- problems."
- He takes a look and shits himself.
- "Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried
- "Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"
- "Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"
- "Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek
- "It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"
- I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save
- for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle
- of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it
- like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately -
- I don't want to miss this!
- "W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me.
- Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for
- torture.
- "Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has
- already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good
- compared to some we get"
- Geek pays up and starts blubbing.
- "Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on
- it?"
- He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk
- eraser. I come back out again.
- "Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take
- these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok,
- and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."
- "GREAT!"
- "No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the
- earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."
- "Huh?"
- "No arguements, just do it."
- He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes.
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:48:33 EDT 1992
- Article: 1589 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071825.8728@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:18:25 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 97
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19506 rec.humor.d:1589
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5
- I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit
- that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them.
- I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but
- nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's
- surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort
- of crap.
- To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail
- and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe.social.
- dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my
- camcorder. Should be a blast!
- Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company
- doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly
- for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper.
- I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's online electronic
- diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it
- should take..
- I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really
- use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I
- find one then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them
- all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for the job by
- removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate
- Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last couple of weeks.
- I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep
- on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them
- anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.
- Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the
- phone rings.
- "Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner again!
- "Has the comput.."
- I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the
- computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed
- again!
- Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but
- that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case;
- and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too.
- The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it
- stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey
- stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look
- like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.
- 10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the
- hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more
- cartoons!
- The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise)
- "Computer Room" I say, being efficient
- "Hello, when will the compu..."
- I hang up.
- I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws
- spells at you and I'm in!
- The phone rings again. I put it on hands free
- "Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.
- "I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker
- "You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for
- me to get zapped by the wizard.
- "What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles
- He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!
- Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his
- path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old
- login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer,
- then delete itself.
- Now that's trying!
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:50:01 EDT 1992
- Article: 1590 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071842.8729@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:18:42 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 103
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19507 rec.humor.d:1590
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6
- It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings.
- Shit!
- I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd
- better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.
- "Hello?" I say.
- "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"
- I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a
- bad mood. You know what I mean.
- "Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always
- disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie.
- "Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!"
- "Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's
- effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account
- while he was working on it!"
- "Really?"
- "Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"
- "Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"
- "Ok, what's your username..."
- He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice.
- With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.
- (Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not)
- "How many files are in your account?" I ask
- "Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the
- data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"
- "Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files
- left... .cshrc and .login"
- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"
- He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.
- "What can I do?" he sniffs
- "Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"
- "Some, but it's weeks old!"
- I fire up the bulk eraser.
- "Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account
- pronto so you can get some work done?"
- "That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose I'll just load
- it all in myself tonight"
- "Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines.
- Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data"
- "How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?"
- "NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE
- DON'T YOU?!"
- "Yes.."
- "Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar
- activity.."
- "What's that?"
- "MAGNETS. Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar
- Flares hate that"
- "Wow! Thanks"
- "No worries at all..."
- Shit I'm good!
- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- WARNING! I know it's really stupid saying this, but if you really do wrap a
- disk in magnets, you need help. So don't do it. This is FICTION. FICK-SHIN
- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 13:58:52 EDT 1992
- Article: 1591 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #7 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071902.8730@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:19:02 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 160
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19508 rec.humor.d:1591
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
- So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because
- I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in
- my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't
- accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.
- First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to see
- a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's vdu.
- It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?
- He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I say
- that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES!
- He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
- Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across the
- counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money. I
- watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed
- of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth....
- He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken
- care of tonight...
- A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches. I think he's
- going to talk to me. Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously.
- But it's too late, he stops.
- "Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my
- thesis on?
- ?!
- Right.
- "You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask
- "Yes?.."
- "Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't
- made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases.
- It's a recipe for disaster!"
- "Oh!"
- "Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can
- get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive - You
- know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!"
- "Hey thanks!"
- "No worries. What was your username again?"
- He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn.
- I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him if he
- wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people when
- they're in the toilet...
- I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when
- it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.
- It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem!
- I love it when that happens!
- "What's your username?" I ask
- She tells me (as if I didn't know)
- Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep everyone
- else's mail files for her username. Nothing. Excellent!
- "What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.
- "I can't save my documents, it says something about space."
- "Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk as
- her. "You should be fine now.."
- "Thank you so much" she gushes.
- I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow.
- "No worries."
- The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.
- "My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.
- "When did this happen?" I ask.
- "Just now..." he says, through the tears
- "I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the
- semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a C-"
- He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp.
- THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!
- "The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says "Should I
- wind the brightness knob up?"
- "NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of the radiation
- that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!"
- "Well I..." she says, all uncertain
- "TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and that's
- by power surging the drivers"
- The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words like
- that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her to run
- naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably
- do it... Hmmm...
- "Have you got a spare power cord?"
- "No.."
- "Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea... Ok, quick as
- you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off 30 times"
- "Should I take my disks out?"
- "NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!"
- "Oh. No! Ok.."
- I listen carefully.. ..
- ...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy..
- . . BOOM!
- Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits itself
- at 15 or so...
- "MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line
- "Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found out now! Is your
- machine still under warranty?"
- "NO!"
- "Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your files?"
- "Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!"
- "Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your backups worked
- ok?"
- She tells me....
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 14:01:15 EDT 1992
- Article: 1592 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071919.8731@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:19:19 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 110
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19509 rec.humor.d:1592
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
- I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls.
- "Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer
- "I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me.
- "What was your username please?" I say
- They give me their username. No worries. I look in their account.
- "No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should
- be able to login."
- "Thanks!"
- "No worries. Have a nice day!"
- WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
- turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!!
- Nope. The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled. And if that's happen-
- ing, I'm being bugged as well. So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It
- shouldn't be long - bear with me.
- Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss is a sneaky sort,
- so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And another in the base of the phone
- and one inside my keyboard. Time for a mad coffee-spilling frenzy. This is
- a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for a witness. The System
- Manager comes in.
- "Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously
- pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet. Antagonist Identified. As
- the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no
- problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their
- files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS"
- I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the coffee
- splashes all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were stacked
- on top of each other.
- "Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The System Manager's face tells
- me I was right in my guess.
- "Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off.
- I click on the ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his PC.
- Ah! A memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser in
- the director's office. I make a few alterations to the file in the spool
- directory and let it go to it's destination. I run my dinky little program
- that deposits -522 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself.
- Later, while booting, I'll remove that nasty logfile business.
- Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into the spare
- RS232 port in the Directors office. It's amazing how simple it is to bug an
- office once it's got data lines going to it!
- Director: "Are you sure about this?"
- SysMgr: "OF COURSE!"
- Director: "You don't want to reconsider?"
- SysMgr "NEVER!"
- Director: "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.."
- SysMgr "EXCELLENT!"
- Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling.
- "Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of himself.
- "Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?"
- "No Simon" he says, with glee "You're going"
- "A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to the head of
- staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit and that you quit?"
- "No..."
- "Are you sure? It's much better than the one about me being fired.."
- "Y.." His eyes widen slightly
- It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He runs to stop the
- fax. Only, having just resigned, >clicky cklikcy< his card key no longer
- works...
- Ametuers...
- The Phone rings. It's the same guy as before
- "I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk"
- "Hang on, I'll see what I can do"
- >clicccky<...
- rm -r *
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 14:04:13 EDT 1992
- Article: 1593 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071936.8732@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:19:36 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 112
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19510 rec.humor.d:1593
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9
- I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver
- from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than
- 5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper",
- so I'm stuck.
- I make a mental note of his license plate. In fact, I did that 60 times a
- minute for 15 and a half minutes. Oh dear.. oh dear.... Looks like another
- call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms
- dealers...
- I get to work, flick the excuse page over. "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM
- SATTELLITE DEBRIS". Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day.
- I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail.
- There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's obviously
- a storyteller. Shit, I hate that. Instead of saying "My account needs more
- disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of research for a
- lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they almost had it but their
- second cousing twice removed had a perforated herpes scab and lost a lot of
- blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc. I delete the message.
- Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the mail
- interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers. I reply to the
- message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday". Hope it was
- important.
- The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull day
- if I ever had to work then.
- The phone rings. I thought I'd fixed that!
- I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave.
- "Yes" I call
- "Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server"
- "Have you got your disk with you?"
- "Sure!"
- I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE".
- Six minutes later, he rings back.
- "It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells."
- "OH SHIT! It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!"
- "Really? I think I heard about that!" (What a tool!)
- "Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk"
- "Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn. Thanks"
- "Sure, no worries. And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK
- when you get a lot of important data on it..."
- "I will! Thanks!"
- "That's Ok - it's my job!"
- Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database backends
- that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game. Much better.
- It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work...
- I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me there.
- They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that registered their
- kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy. I grab a couple of cans of coke
- and some cheese things and cruise on back to the office via the first year
- computer funamentals lab. I look in the window on the scene that unfolds it-
- self to me - a lab full of first years with no demonstrator.
- WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP!
- I walk on in.
- "Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going
- to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK
- function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.."
- I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people...
- ...
- --
- -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
- This signature was created using RoboSig, the errorfree sigmaker.
- Simon Travaglia, spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz, Uni of Waikato, P B, Hamilton, NZ
- Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
- and have no bearing his work or employers (but his teddy agrees with him)
- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Rules for Academic Deans:
- (1). HIDE!!!!
- (2). If they find you, LIE!!!!
- -- Father Damian C. Fandal
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Sun Jun 21 14:06:53 EDT 1992
- Article: 1594 of rec.humor.d
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10 - REPOST
- Message-ID: <1992Jun17.071952.8733@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 16 Jun 92 19:19:52 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 147
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:19511 rec.humor.d:1594
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10
- I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund-
- amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
- janitor and cruise on down.
- The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students
- get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.
- I get out my pad and pen.
- "Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before
- you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you
- would understand better"
- The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.
- "First Question, You over there.."
- "What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"
- "What was your username please?"
- "CMS1103"
- >Scratchy scritch<
- "Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like
- reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
- come out of the closet?"
- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"
- "AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
- example. Next question. You, over there..."
- "CMS1136. I was.."
- "Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by.
- sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"
- "It's purely for research purposes!"
- "I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"
- "NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"
- "Next please..."
- ...
- ..
- Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.
- That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.
- I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's
- after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
- cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful..
- I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
- ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of
- shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the excuse
- calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausable - although in
- some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed. I'll pick
- another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one with a
- challenge!
- I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's
- stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be the big one!
- "Hello?"
- "Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"
- "Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"
- "Thanks"
- I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell
- introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to
- freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
- The phone rings - it's them again.
- "There's something wrong with spell"
- "What makes you think that?"
- "Because my file is all corrupt now!"
- "That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?"
- "Yes, but I can.."
- "Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler
- somewhere on or in the desk?"
- "Um >clunka<, yes..."
- "Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing
- electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of
- paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."
- DUMMY MODE ON
- "Oh. What do I do?"
- "You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times?
- Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk &
- drop it."
- "Oh. OK"
- >crash<
- >crash<
- >crash<
- "Um, the screen went dark"
- "That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're finished,
- do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it."
- >crash<
- >crash<
- >crash<...
- I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy
- drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots
- me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System-
- Managers chuckle....
- Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...
- Then everything goes dark
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt Tue Jun 23 23:53:23 EDT 1992
- Article: 18754 of talk.bizarre
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre,comp.misc,alt.tasteless
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #11
- Message-ID: <1992Jun23.095137.8897@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 22 Jun 92 21:51:37 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 106
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:20031 talk.bizarre:18754 comp.misc:2255 alt.tasteless:7738
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES! #11
- The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that
- I couldn't be all that injured. Then again, maybe I was. Someone was going
- to p..
- I died.
- Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of going
- home for the holidays.
- Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These
- ambulance guys sure know how to party).
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!
- Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed behind
- the console again. The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*. I catch up on
- everyone's email then let the students know I'm back by performing an impromptu
- preventative maintenance in the middle of lab time by kicking the restart
- switch (They love it really)
- I flip today's excuse card, "GLOBAL WARMING" YES YES YES! What a welcome
- home!
- It's the end of the month so all those automatic email reminder programs will
- be sending messages all over the place. I set the system clock back 7 days
- to buy some peace and quiet and swap the printer ribbon for the three year old
- one with holes in it.
- I sort through my snail mail and crack open the BOFH Monthly Newsletter,
- "kill -9" and check out the articles therein. There's a nice peice of making
- OS2 slow, boring and painful, but it looks exactly like the OS2 installation
- instructions to me... Ah, who knows. I head straight to the BOFH Wizard
- section to see if any of my articles were published. All of them!!! Even
- the one about the c compiler that randomly removes one line from the source
- code it's compiling!
- The phone rings.
- "The Screen on my PC is blank!!!"
- "It's the power cord" I say
- "No, I checked that. When I switch it on, it does nothing!"
- "It's the power cord" I say
- "No, I checked and it's all plugged in properly. There's no lights on the
- keyboard or anything"
- "It's the power cord" I say
- "Oh. I just noticed, the cord's not plugged in properly!"
- "The power cord?" I ask
- "Yes... Woopsy"
- "No worries at all" I say "Is it all working well now?"
- "Yes, I think so. I'm sorry, you WERE right all along"
- "Yes, we're getting a lot of this, it's due to the current Global Warming
- problem. It causes random thermal expansion and contraction resulting in
- temperature induced movement of friction based holding mechanisms.."
- I listen carefully. Nothing. In other words, <DUMMY MODE ON>...
- "You can fix it permanently tho'" I say
- "Really? How?"
- "Well it's all to do with lowering salt deposits on the metal contacts"
- "Oh!" (Dummy mode irrevocably engaged)
- "All you need to do is just take the power plug out deposit some dilute mineral
- salts on it. Do you have some dilute mineral salts on you?"
- "Uh, no?"
- "Ok, no worries, just stick it in your mouth drool into it. But make sure you
- wipe the plug first to get rid of any germs, and TURN THE SWITCH OFF ON THE
- MONITOR before you do - we don't want a nasty accident!
- "Oh. Ok!"
- >Fzzzt< >clunk!<
- I hang up as the receiver hits the floor. Disk space is too good for them.
- --
- ______________________________________________________________________________
- spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz - Simon P Travaglia Voice: 064 7 8384008 "Hello?"
- Computer Services, Waikato University, Private Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand
- -- Elvis Presley is alive and writing my signatures at Waikato University --
- Disclaimer: Elvis would agree with me, but he's got dirt in his mouth.
- ______________________________________________________________________________
- A recent moralist has affirmed that the human heart is like a jug. No mortal
- can look into its recessed, and you can only judge of its purity by what comes
- out of it.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!europa.asd.contel.com!uunet!comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato.ac.nz!spt Tue Jun 23 23:56:42 EDT 1992
- Article: 18879 of talk.bizarre
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!europa.asd.contel.com!uunet!comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.tasteless,talk.bizarre
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #12
- Message-ID: <1992Jun24.091930.8919@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 23 Jun 92 21:19:29 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 119
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:20116 alt.tasteless:7773 talk.bizarre:18879
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #12
- I get to work and I'm a bit tired so I plug a thick hunk of copper across
- the three phase supply and throw the switch. The room is plunged into
- darkness as the circuit breakers trip and for once the machine room is silent.
- I like it.
- I pop the phone off the hook and close the curtains on the observation window.
- Now it's *really* dark in there. I wouldn't be surprised if someone had an
- accident in here..
- I lift a couple of floor tiles up in the darkness and call our maintenance
- contractors saying the mini popped the breaker again, then replace the fuses
- in it with a couple of nails and short the power supply to ground. You can't
- just hope for this sort of thing, you've got to MAKE it happen.
- 15 minutes later the engineer arives and falls down the hole. I pop the floor
- tiles back on just as the System Manager (a new and very thorough individual)
- comes in, telling me to watch out, someone could really hurt themselves in the
- dark...
- I nod & tell him that we can't really afford all the downtime, and should I
- just throw the breaker and hope that there was no major fault. After thinking
- about the negative publicity we're getting already, he makes the last decision
- of his short career and tells me to go ahead.
- Later, when the smoke clears I examine the smoking remains of the mini. Not
- a pretty sight...
- "Strange that the breaker jammed shut, isn't it?" I say to our manager as he
- packs up the personal things in his office. "One in a million chance. A pity
- that someone saw what you did and posted the whole story to comp.misc. You'll
- be lucky to get a job managing a car computer after all that publicity..."
- I go back to the machine room and throw the rest of the breakers to liven
- everything up, then login and start deleting users' email. I spot an
- interesting off-the-record sexual proposition from our male consultant to a
- member of the men's swim team which will make a good motd, so I copy it there,
- modify root's owner name to be "Winker" and password to be "ljkadlkajflkj"
- (then call the big boss to report a suspected intrusion). Should be at least
- a couple of hours of login time before we can sort that out. In the meantime,
- people are just going to have to read that message...
- I realise the message has been read when I hear the gunshot from behind the
- consultant's closed door.
- I edit the online helpdesk information and change the phone number to the
- System Manager's - he'll probably appreciate the extra calls at such a sad
- time...
- I hear another shot and realise he won't be answering any calls today.
- I put the phone back on the hook and flip today's excuse card. "Poor power
- conditioning". Too plausible. "STATIC BUILDUP". Still a bit too plausible
- for my liking, but I don't want to run out of cards before the end of the
- year, so I decide to run with it.
- The phone rings almost as soon as I've got "Top Gun" in the video machine so
- I pause the video and put the phone on hands-free.
- "I think I've bought a bad floppy disk"
- "Yes?" I wonder if I've suddenly become the consumer's watchdog?
- "Well, I've got this disk and it won't format. All the others in the box did
- so I thought I must have a bad disk"
- "Why are you calling me about this?" I ask
- "Well, the disk says guaranteed; where do I go to get a replacement?"
- Ah! Of course.
- "Well, let's see. Are you sure it's the disk, and not just some problem with
- static buildup?"
- "Huh?"
- "Static Buildup, you know, static electricity that's passed from you to the
- computer"
- "But I'm wearing a wrist strap!"
- Around about now I realise I'm deep in dweeb country. Wrist straps aren't
- fashion accessories in my part of town...
- "Of course you are, but your average wrist strap has a 1 meg resistor in
- series with it, a *really* poor earth. What you need is a direct earth
- connection. Hang onto the frame of something that's earthed properly."
- "What, you mean like our stainless steel bench?"
- "Excellent. Now, have you got a paper clip to discharge the static with?"
- "Hang on. Yeah"
- "Ok, with your other hand, poke the clip thru the ventilation holes at the back
- of the unit, and just touch the contact at the end of the thick red wire."
- "The one going to the power supply?"
- "Yep, that's it"
- "....Hey, isn't that the li... >kzzzzt!< >clunk<"
- Another call solved by the helpdesk from hell...
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
- to others.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!mips!samsung!uunet!comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato.ac.nz!spt Tue Jun 23 23:58:48 EDT 1992
- Article: 18880 of talk.bizarre
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!mcnc!uvaarpa!darwin.sura.net!mips!samsung!uunet!comp.vuw.ac.nz!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.tasteless,talk.bizarre
- Subject: BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13
- Message-ID: <1992Jun24.092010.8920@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 23 Jun 92 21:20:10 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 142
- Xref: news.duke.edu rec.humor:20117 alt.tasteless:7774 talk.bizarre:18880
- BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13
- I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof.
- Let's just say it pops up with:
- "Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? "
- upon login. I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins
- we've been having recently.... The manager isn't though. His main concern
- appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus. Funny
- world, isn't it?
- I flip the excuse card. "DOPPLER EFFECT" Sounds implausible enough that it's
- plausable - with a little work of course.
- The phone, the bane of my existance, rings.
- "Hello, Computer Room" I say, being helpful
- "Is this the Technicians?" The caller asks.
- Amazing the number of deaf people that use these things. What the hell, I'm
- bored..
- "Yes it is" I lie (Nixon could've done with me)
- "I've got a problem with my floppy drive, it doesn't seem to be reading all
- the time"
- "Hmmm. How old is the drive?"
- "About a year.."
- "And it sometimes fails and sometimes works, but it's starting to fail more
- and more?"
- "YES!"
- "Yeah, it's the Doppler effect of magnetism.."
- "I thought that only happened with light and sound?"
- >Bullshit mode ON<
- "Yes, well it's been found that on a spinning surface, like a disk, the
- particle's magnetic alignment changes, especially when the head is stationary
- and slightly magnetised in respect to it."
- "Duh. Oh"
- "So, what you need to do is to demagnetise the head. Have you got a disk head
- demagnetising loop?"
- "Uh.... No?"
- "OK, we'll have to do it the hard way. Have you got your original diskettes
- for your software?"
- "Yeah."
- "Right, chuck them in the drive, one by one, and format them."
- "WHAT?!"
- "Don't worry, it won't work - remember the drive is failing. All that happens
- is that the virgin magnetic field of the disks realigns the magnetic field of
- the head, because they weren't written by a doppler effected drive."
- "Oh, yeah!"
- "So, when it gives you a write error and asks if you want to continue, you
- say yes. Do it with all your original diskettes, then, to complete the
- demagnetising process, run a head cleaning diskette through the drive as
- well, which will pick up the stray magenetic particles clinging to the head."
- "Oh. Ok. Thanks"
- "Don't thank me - IT'S MY JOB"
- I put the phone down, it rings again. It's the big boss.
- "Simon, could you come to my office please?"
- >ALERT!<
- Quick as I can, I press the panic button on our LAN-Analyser, or to be more
- precise, the "Generate 90% random traffic" button
- "Sure, would you like me to come now, or..
- The other phone rings. I chuck it on hands free
- "Hello, Computer Room, Simon Here, How can I help?"
- "THE NETWORK IS DOWN, ALL OUR PCS HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES!" the voice on hands
- -free screams into the mouthpeice of the other phone
- "I see" I say calmly "Yes, our Monitor shows it up, it looks to be a bad
- segment of thinwire - please hold the line while I unplug it"
- I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the
- Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's
- working now, thanks"
- "That's ok, don't mention it. Have a nice day"
- The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his
- office won't be so bad after all. I tell him I'll be right down as soon as
- I secure the net and hang up. On the way down, I invent a new buzzword which
- always keep management happy. Complete Transient Lockout. Sounds much better
- than pulling the plug. Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.
- I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too. Uh-oh.
- "Simon - How would you like to be our System Manager?"
- ?!!!
- "Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."
- "Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."
- "Monaro?"
- "Ok"
- "Sold!"
- ....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.
- --
- +--------+ --+-- + --+-- Who needs X? I've got
- | +----+ | | | | a VT100 complete with
- | | | | | | | `/` +-- -- | ,--, `/` +\ /+ enhanced video.......
- | +----+ | | | | | | ) ( ) | |--' | | V |
- | VT 100 | + +--+ + +-- -- + `--' + + + Fax: (064)-7-838-4066
- +--------+ Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- [========] Private. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
- It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
- to others.
- From news.duke.edu!duke!concert!gatech!swrinde!mips!decwrl!decwrl!waikato.ac.nz!spt Mon Jul 13 22:56:18 EDT 1992
- Article: 21909 of talk.bizarre
- Path: news.duke.edu!duke!concert!gatech!swrinde!mips!decwrl!decwrl!waikato.ac.nz!spt
- From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
- Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor
- Subject: THE BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL
- Message-ID: <1992Jul14.093257.9349@waikato.ac.nz>
- Date: 13 Jul 92 21:32:56 GMT
- Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre
- Lines: 95
- Xref: news.duke.edu talk.bizarre:21909 rec.humor:21408
- I figured I'd *have* to do one at least...
- BASTARD SYSTEM MANAGER FROM HELL
- I get into my office and it's my first day - I want to make a good impression,
- so I empty my IN tray into the bin. Now that's what I call efficient!
- I get a call from the big boss - he's been getting complaints about the trainee
- bastard operator from hell. I ask him to forward all the complaints to me and
- that it would be best to let me deal with them. I ring the operator and get
- him to make an appointment with me.
- Two weeks later, he does, and I show him the complaints that have accumulated
- so far.
- "Seventy Three complaints in your first three weeks!" I shout "It's good - but
- it's NOT Good Enough! You should be getting at least 10 complaints a day - AT
- LEAST! Now, let's see what you're doing wrong:
- You get a call from a user - what do you do?"
- "Kill them off?" The TBOFH replies
- "NO! How can you kill them off if you don't know their USERNAME? Your
- FIRST priority is to get their username. Then what would you do?"
- "Kill them off?"
- "NO! Get them to tell you what their problem is!"
- "Why?"
- "Because later I can say they didn't explain their problem to you properly.
- It's a great defence - works every time. A user rings me up to complain; I
- listen to their problem, then say "OH, WHEN YOU SAID `MY PC DOESN'T WORK'
- HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT YOU MEANT `HOW CAN I MAKE MY PC NEVER WORK AGAIN AND
- DESTROY MY LIFE'S WORK AT THE SAME TIME?' - IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!' then
- they tell me implausible that is, I say how terribly sorry we are, then
- fake some connect and CPU time records so their monthly bill is about the
- same as the Uraguayan national debt.
- So, after you've heard their problem, what do you do?"
- "Kill them off?"
- "NO! Then you make up some excuse. Have you got an excuse card calendar?"
- "Uh. No.."
- "And you said you were qualified to operate a computer! You'd better have
- mine." I pass my computer card calendar over, flipping it to page one -
- "ENTROPY"....... ...I like it.
- "Now, you give the cretin an excuse then what do you do?"
- "Kill them off?"
- "YES!" (He certainly has a fixation) "Then what?"
- "Hang up?"
- "NO! Then they'll call you back when the problem recurs. Your job is to
- make them FEAR calling you. How can you work when people are calling? So,
- you make them pay for calling in the first place. What would you do?"
- "Delete their files?"
- "Yeah, it's a start, but then they may call back when they get new files.
- You want them NEVER to call back. What could you do?"
- "Swear at them?"
- "No. I can see we'll have to demonstrate. Have you got a metal ballpoint?"
- "Yes"
- "See that wallsocket over there. Take the refill out of the pen and poke
- in into the wallsocket."
- "But it's live!"
- "Would I really make you do it if it were live?"
- "Oh" >fiddle< >fiddle< >BZZZZZZZEEEEERT!<
- of course I would. He was no good anyway.
- --
- ______________________________________________________________________
- The Sturgeon General has determined that reading signatures can cause gross
- deformities in fish, carrots, turnips, politicians and other dumb animals
- DO NOT LOOK AT THIS SIGNATURE THROUGH A MAGNIFYING GLASS
- spt@waikato.ac.nz - Simon Travaglia, Computer Services, University of Waikato
- Fax: 064-7-838-4066 Ph: 064-7-838-4008 SM: Priv. Bag, Hamilton, New Zealand
- ----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
- -- Holmes
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