frogmachine420@live.com i can't fucking do it anymore
frogmachine420@live.com i just fucking can't
annilylf@live.com ?
frogmachine420@live.com i always wondered when i would find my limit
frogmachine420@live.com i always figured it would be some kind of drug
frogmachine420@live.com but no
frogmachine420@live.com there's just no point anymore
frogmachine420@live.com there's nothing left to fight for
frogmachine420@live.com it's done
frogmachine420@live.com it's over
frogmachine420@live.com death is fucking permanent
frogmachine420@live.com fucking. PERMANENT.
frogmachine420@live.com no matter WHAT i do now it's too late
frogmachine420@live.com i don't even know how i'm typing
frogmachine420@live.com i don't even know why i'm typing
frogmachine420@live.com i just want to drink
annilylf@live.com what's happened...? why are you freaking out like this?
frogmachine420@live.com and shoot heroin
frogmachine420@live.com ashley killed herself
annilylf@live.com woah shit
annilylf@live.com how'd you find out? is it true?
frogmachine420@live.com her brother found her
frogmachine420@live.com i can't even fucking see the computer screen
frogmachine420@live.com i just dont know what to do
annilylf@live.com i don't know either hun... i really don't
annilylf@live.com but i doubt offing yourself too is the answer, that's never the answer.
frogmachine420@live.com i justr want ot know why
frogmachine420@live.com but i already fucking know
frogmachine420@live.com she left a note
frogmachine420@live.com her brohther refused to read it to me
annilylf@live.com wtf why
frogmachine420@live.com the last time i saw
frogmachine420@live.com god this fucking hurts
frogmachine420@live.com i feel like if i type it it'll be totally real
frogmachine420@live.com aj;c
frogmachine420@live.com it was because i told her i was never coming back
frogmachine420@live.com what the fucki swrong wihtr me
frogmachine420@live.com i just want her here
frogmachine420@live.com in my arms
frogmachine420@live.com i would go to the end of the earth
frogmachine420@live.com i would kill anyone who got in my way
frogmachine420@live.com and bleed myserlf dry
frogmachine420@live.com for that
frogmachine420@live.com why was i so fuckign selfish
frogmachine420@live.com why did i let shit that DINT EVEN MATTER
frogmachine420@live.com FUCK
frogmachine420@live.com im joining her soon
frogmachine420@live.com life without her just isnt worth living
annilylf@live.com don't do that hun
annilylf@live.com there's plenty more to live for
frogmachine420@live.com like what?
frogmachine420@live.com heroin?
frogmachine420@live.com booze?
frogmachine420@live.com skanks?
frogmachine420@live.com "god"?
frogmachine420@live.com she is the only thing that matters
annilylf@live.com no, not drugs and all that shit, you're too stuck in that rut to see anything else
frogmachine420@live.com fuck it i dont even want to
frogmachine420@live.com FUCKING PERMANENT
frogmachine420@live.com i will never hold her again
frogmachine420@live.com ill never see her smile again
frogmachine420@live.com i just can't keep going anymore
frogmachine420@live.com i'm spent
frogmachine420@live.com yeah, i could go on
frogmachine420@live.com a soulless husk of a human being
frogmachine420@live.com more pain
frogmachine420@live.com more endless fucking pain
frogmachine420@live.com pain is all i fucking know
frogmachine420@live.com and ashley was the only one that ever made it go away
frogmachine420@live.com i didnt hurt
frogmachine420@live.com yeah, drugs, crazy sex, selling weed, whatever
frogmachine420@live.com that shit wasnt why i loved her
frogmachine420@live.com i love her because she is ashley
frogmachine420@live.com and now she's gone
frogmachine420@live.com what am i supposed to do
frogmachine420@live.com when the one person i have ever loved
frogmachine420@live.com is gone forever
frogmachine420@live.com i can wait to die
frogmachine420@live.com existing
frogmachine420@live.com i dont want ot exist
frogmachine420@live.com i just weant her nbakc
annilylf@live.com i really want to help and make some kind of arguement to change your mind hun but i really don't know what to say
annilylf@live.com i still dont think that doing that is what you should do though
frogmachine420@live.com i dnt want anymo re people to suffer because of my stupidity
frogmachine420@live.com i might as well just lay it out
frogmachine420@live.com look at my life
frogmachine420@live.com write down the parts owrht remembering
frogmachine420@live.com put the bottle to my head and pull the trigger
frogmachine420@live.com theyll find me in a dumpster, surrounded by whiskye bottles
frogmachine420@live.com a fitting end for garbage like me
frogmachine420@live.com and ill ber with heer again
annilylf@live.com you're not garbage
annilylf@live.com and letting yourself down like that isn't the way to go when you've fought through all the other shit that's dragged you down to get here
frogmachine420@live.com let myself down?
frogmachine420@live.com i dont give half a fuck about myslef
frogmachine420@live.com i let ashley down
frogmachine420@live.com i hurt her
frogmachine420@live.com badly
frogmachine420@live.com to the point where she slit her wrists
frogmachine420@live.com theres notihng lef of me to lewt down
frogmachine420@live.com i cant numb myslf
frogmachine420@live.com WHY CANT I FUCKING NUMB MYSELF
frogmachine420@live.com HOW MUCH FUCKING HEROIN DO I HAVBE TO FUCKING SHOOT
annilylf@live.com dont think about it
annilylf@live.com you're grieving and that's normal but don't dwell
annilylf@live.com you're making yourself worse
frogmachine420@live.com it's fuicking over
frogmachine420@live.com life's been throwing shit at me since i was born
frogmachine420@live.com each turd biggeer than the ladst
frogmachine420@live.com im not a fucking superman
frogmachine420@live.com with ashley i had a reasn
annilylf@live.com you don't know that there's no other girl out there.
annilylf@live.com or no other goal in general
frogmachine420@live.com i dont wnt another girl
frogmachine420@live.com i can get nookie and relatisonsips any time i ufkcing want
frogmachine420@live.com its ashley
frogmachine420@live.com i told her i loved her
frogmachine420@live.com the on person in my life ive said that to nd really meant it
frogmachine420@live.com fucking puked
annilylf@live.com i really want to help you, but i dont think im the right person to
annilylf@live.com i want you to find a grief counselor or something to really help
annilylf@live.com i know counselors are shit but at the very least it can be someone to explain this stuff to face to face
frogmachine420@live.com you knowme
frogmachine420@live.com id rather tal to someone who knows me
frogmachine420@live.com im bynod salvaging at this oint
annilylf@live.com agreed, i usually would too
annilylf@live.com i'm just worried i'll make things worse for you
frogmachine420@live.com DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU COULD ***POSSIBLY*** MAKE THIS ANY WORSE
frogmachine420@live.com capz*
annilylf@live.com cos i care about you but i'm shit at helping except letting you vent, but letting you vent scares me because im afraid you're getting more angry the more you go
annilylf@live.com i dont know
annilylf@live.com i doubt it.
frogmachine420@live.com im nto angry
frogmachine420@live.com i
frogmachine420@live.com i dont know what iam
frogmachine420@live.com ti feels like my soul was just sucked out of me
annilylf@live.com you're in a state of grief
frogmachine420@live.com i cant make hesd or tails out of any of htis
annilylf@live.com i know, its too fresh
annilylf@live.com it's really fucked up and i dont think anything i could say could encompass just how fucked up it is
annilylf@live.com just give it time, everything takes time
frogmachine420@live.com she wil always be on my mind
frogmachine420@live.com another source of pain
annilylf@live.com three years after the bullshit with my ex and it still took everything i had not to break down in public when i saw the whore who ruined everything looking so happy and carefree
frogmachine420@live.com only thsi one is jsut to mcuh
frogmachine420@live.com ijust want hetr back
annilylf@live.com it hurts now, just give it time like i said
frogmachine420@live.com i dont have much time left
frogmachine420@live.com thsi is checkmate
annilylf@live.com its only checkmate if you make it
annilylf@live.com it doesnt have to be
frogmachine420@live.com i jsut cant hurt anymore
frogmachine420@live.com i cant take it anymore
frogmachine420@live.com puked agan
frogmachine420@live.com look at me
annilylf@live.com i know it hurts, it hurts more than i can comprehend, but dont let this consume you, please
annilylf@live.com you're really scaring me, i dont want you to do this
frogmachine420@live.com sooner or later il pas out
frogmachine420@live.com i dont have enough drugs here to seirously hurt myself
annilylf@live.com all i really have left to say
annilylf@live.com is that i know we dont talk that much any more
frogmachine420@live.com if i can et to sleep i might make it
annilylf@live.com and that i might not be that good of a friend to you
annilylf@live.com but i still care a ton about you
annilylf@live.com and i dont want to see you tear yourself down like this
annilylf@live.com no matter how much it hurts.
annilylf@live.com maybe getting to bed would be a good idea.
frogmachine420@live.com i know aa soon as li ay down im goign to thin kof her in my arms
annilylf@live.com dont think, think of anything else, force yourself to.
frogmachine420@live.com and hten im going to break down
frogmachine420@live.com ive got tears going but im not crying
frogmachine420@live.com i never cry
frogmachine420@live.com ever
frogmachine420@live.com and im forcing myself not to think of her
frogmachine420@live.com but it will hit em
frogmachine420@live.com and idon t know if ill ever styop crying
annilylf@live.com you will
annilylf@live.com it stops sometimes
annilylf@live.com maybe letting it out and crying might help, focus on the crying instead of her
annilylf@live.com i really dont know hun.
annilylf@live.com if you dont want to cry maybe have on some kind of background music, white noise to focus on
annilylf@live.com its easier to focus on music than thoughts, it has no words, just flow
frogmachine420@live.com probanly something other than "whiskey lullabye"
annilylf@live.com i can give you what i'm listening to, that drone zone on soma.fm
annilylf@live.com it has enough that you can keep yourself aurally occupied but its quiet enough that you can fall asleep
frogmachine420@live.com i just yacked
frogmachine420@live.com agin
annilylf@live.com you'll probably be doing a lot of that. it's like trauma, you're extremely stressed
annilylf@live.com maybe you should get to sleep, let your stomach settle
annilylf@live.com laying down always helps mine
frogmachine420@live.com i have smoked a whole pack of cigz in the last hour
annilylf@live.com jeezus christ
annilylf@live.com on top of the heroin no wonder your stomach's upset
frogmachine420@live.com im drunk too
frogmachine420@live.com heavily
frogmachine420@live.com i hurt so much
annilylf@live.com i figured
frogmachine420@live.com but right now its bearable
frogmachine420@live.com i know when i wake up im going to be a basket case
frogmachine420@live.com who the fuck am i kidding, im a basket case now
frogmachine420@live.com but relief
frogmachine420@live.com push the pain away for another moment
annilylf@live.com if you've got that square of relief you should take it to pass out, sleep helps when your brain is so fried
annilylf@live.com plus i have to get to bed too, the sun's coming up and i'm exhausted and i dont want to leave you here without someone to talk to
frogmachine420@live.com i just dont want to cry
frogmachine420@live.com i'm totally overwhelmed
annilylf@live.com its okay to cry but if you dont want to you dont have to
frogmachine420@live.com i should probably stop slugging wild turkey
annilylf@live.com prooobably
annilylf@live.com thats a depressant anyways
frogmachine420@live.com i have a feeling there'll be a lot of booze in my future
annilylf@live.com probably
annilylf@live.com and heroin, knowing you
frogmachine420@live.com theres something about alcohol that heroin just doesnt have
frogmachine420@live.com heroin masks the pain
frogmachine420@live.com alcohol numbs it
frogmachine420@live.com oh my god the funeral
annilylf@live.com dont think about that
frogmachine420@live.com oh fuck
frogmachine420@live.com i dont want to see her dead
frogmachine420@live.com that would instantly and irreversibly destroy me
annilylf@live.com yeah, thats not a good idea
annilylf@live.com at all
frogmachine420@live.com fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
frogmachine420@live.com xanax time
frogmachine420@live.com i dont know what to od
frogmachine420@live.com im starting to hallucinate
annilylf@live.com just get some sleep and try to sort shit out later
annilylf@live.com jeez
frogmachine420@live.com christ
frogmachine420@live.com i just want to hold her
annilylf@live.com i know hun, i know
annilylf@live.com im sorry to sorta bail on you right now but ive gotta go to bed, im literally passing out at my desk
frogmachine420@live.com ok
frogmachine420@live.com thanks
frogmachine420@live.com i think
frogmachine420@live.com i think if you hadnt talked with me i might have shot myslef
annilylf@live.com im glad i could help you hun
annilylf@live.com and im glad you didnt
annilylf@live.com try to get some rest, please?
frogmachine420@live.com ill try
frogmachine420@live.com gonna ride the horse one more time here
annilylf@live.com alright
annilylf@live.com gnight hun, dont stay up too much longer