Avunit -> Topiary

.--    .-""-.
.   ) (     )
.  (   )   (
.     /     )
.    (_    _)                     0_,-.__
.      (_  )_                     |_.-._/
.       (    )                    |lulz..\
.        (__)                     |__--_/
.     |''   ``\                   |
.     | [Lulz] \                  |      /b/
.     |         \  ,,,---===?A`\  |  ,==y'
.   ___,,,,,---==""\        |M] \ | ;|\ |>
.           _   _   \   ___,|H,,---==""""bno,
.    o  O  (_) (_)   \ /          _     AWAW/
.                     /         _(+)_  dMM/
.      \@_,,,,,,---=="   \      \\|//  MW/
.--''''"                         ===  d/
.                                    //   SET SAIL FOR FAIL!
.                                    ,'_________________________
.   \    \    \     \               ,/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.                         _____    ,'  ~~~   .-""-.~~~~~~  .-""-.
.      .-""-.           ///==---   /`-._ ..-'      -.__..-'
.            `-.__..-' =====\\\\\\ V/  .---\.
.                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~, _',--/_.\  .-""-.
.                            .-""-.___` --  \|         -.__..-

Hello you generous giggling garrisoned gardener,

it has been one year now since an unfriendly terrorist vessel took you away from your home port.
While there are still anti-sec ships on the oceans our own ship has been in the dry dock for quite a bit.
Even though it has cost many of us greatly I cannot say I ever regret stepping on the small row boat we called ifeds once. We, and you yourself, managed to plunder many precious booty from unfriendly ships trying to harm civilian boats on the open ocean. Our cannons spouted out happy chants and sinking terrorist vessels was made an art. An art which is still not forgotten.

While I am rowing alone now I do want to let you know that I have five bottles of rum each designated a letter; P, T, K, S and another T. Secretly I hold a tiny bottle with another 'P', because he too got sunk in our honour. In lulz's honour. Yet I am not drinking from these bottles yet. I am keeping them safe. When you set foot on a friendly shore again there will be rum. Mark my words, no cannons involved. Until then I shall keep the bottles near me and sing our songs of triumph for the faith of many of us might be miserable our deeds were not.

I cannot do much more than wish you luck on your unholy trip. We never knew each other and still we did. For a while we shared ships, scrubbed the same decks and drank scotch stored in the same cargo hold. Without being a sentimental bitch I can say we were mateys. All of us were. I bloody loved all of you.

Remember, real sailors sail with a Victorian top hat.

~Avunit

P.S.: How the fuck did you manage to have so many people write "Free Topiary" under their twitter picture?
P.P.S.: If the devices of an electronic nature around the ankle area start to annoy you: Chop off your leg and get a wooden one.