jasmyn

This letter will probably not be well written by academic standards, because I’m just spilling my feelings out. But I will talk about my true feelings. This letter is addressed to you, and by the end of it maybe you'll understand me more as a person. I will sound childish. I will sound immature. But I don’t blame this on anyone but myself and my own faults as a person.
I remember when we first met. As superficial as this may seem, learning that you were masters in StarCraft really intrigued me. I befriended you. I learned that you lived thirty minutes away from me and that made you seem all the more real, compared to everyone else I've met on the internet.
Over the two months I've known you, to me you were more than just a friend. You were my best friend. I told you everything. It became unhealthy. Infatuation is my worst enemy and my worst enemy showed up then. I waited for the clock to tick every day until you got home, because hanging out with you is the only thing I looked forward to doing. Being with you is the happiest and the least lonely I have been. You meant so much to me, maybe you knew, maybe you didn’t, but that’s besides the point. I felt right at home to be with you. I could tell you anything – except for how I felt about you.
I don’t believe it is false to say that in general, Agitator is not a popular individual. He is loud and obnoxious in comms (sometimes), and the whole deal with Books’ Anth set did not help his popularity. Even then, you took the time to understand him. His insecurities and the way he takes it out online. That really stood out to me – that you took the time to understand someone who is generally not well liked.
A younger and more immature me would say I fell in love with you. I’m not saying that I’m much more mature now but I believe that to be not the case. I’m infatuated. Hell, I don’t even know what you look like, nor your real name. How could I fall in love with someone who I don’t even truly know? But I feel like I know you, from the personal things you told me about yourself, from the time I’ve spent getting to know you and your personality. I’m the victim of the addiction of your personality and your voice.
I enjoyed my time alone with you, but indirectly, Agi threatened to take that away from me (not that I blame him in the least bit). I don’t enjoy being in comms with him and I think you know that by now. He would sometimes spam “JOIN COMMS” in guild chat and you would say “oh he wants us to join.” That was what you wanted and of course, I can’t do anything but follow. Sometimes, I wouldn’t follow at all. It made me feel as if you were choosing him over me, and the possessive, immature, insecure me would feel extremely bad. Not only because I was possessive, immature, and insecure, but also because of the fact that I felt these emotions at all. You could say the mature me was disappointed that I was feeling these immature feelings, and I felt insecure about myself because of my insecurity. These feelings ate at me. Of course, I know that you enjoy their company, which is why I never stopped you, no matter how much I wanted to. Showing that I’m possessive is even worse than merely feeling it.
Maybe I was only having these feelings because I wasn’t sure if you were mine, or if I was your priority. I do believe I would feel much more secure and a lot less possessive if I knew I was your priority, but that’s not up to me to decide.
God, what I’m about to say is going to make me look so immature. When you got home one day, before telling me or anything, I saw you hop in Agi’s guild discord. Of course, I don’t have your perspective, but that made me feel horrible. And it felt horrible to feel horrible about that. That was the last straw, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I told you then how I felt.
You didn’t feel the same way, and that’s ok, this has happened to me before. Just cut off and move on like what I used to do right? But I couldn’t. I was losing more than just a potential significant other. I was losing a best friend. Playing with you was all I’ve done for the past two months, and I didn’t know what do when I didn’t have you.
So of course, I want our friendship to continue, because you’re the only thing I’ve had. But as long as we’re friends there is that sliver of hope in the back of my head that maybe you truly are interested, or the belief that I’m not and will never be your priority (because who am I? Just a random on the internet).
Inhale told me there was a distinction between a friend that I’d want to date, or a friend that I’m only keeping around because I want to date them. I firmly believe you to be and want you to be of the former.
I’ve been told to distract myself, but there’s nothing I can do to get my mind off you. I’ve tried playing league with friends, but that wasn’t as fun as it used to be, and certainly not as fun as playing with you. $1500 of games on Steam and nothing sounds appealing, because I wouldn’t be playing any of that with you.
Talking to you about everyday things feels fake now, because I’m dodging my true feelings.
I don’t know what to do. I suppose there is nothing to be done other than to just give it time.