OccultistToday at 12:37 PM
YOU ARE SO PRETTY?!?!?!??!!!?!?!?!!?!?
KinaToday at 12:37 PM
Omg thank you! :relaxed:️
OccultistToday at 12:38 PM
of course!!
actually can i tell you something in confidentiality that i'm worried about that's.....idk eating me
KinaToday at 12:39 PM
Sure go ahead!
OccultistToday at 12:40 PM
do you ever feel like you have a reputation to live up to for people who don't even know you?
and it just...affects you so deeply you became a different person than you ever intended and just UGH its like you go somewhere and suddenly you put on this awful mask
KinaToday at 12:42 PM
I guess I feel that way to an extent. I mean around my family and family friends anyways. But when it comes to online and my good close friends idc what people think about me. I’m just me. I wore a mask for a long long time around my family and my friends. And it hurt me so badly for years and I was in a really bad place. Did a lot of bad/dumb things. I mean now I’m not in a super great place but it feels good to be able to be real around close friends.
OccultistToday at 12:45 PM
yeah
i definitely understand the dumb/bad things
and i think the wanting to be "real" to at least someone who was involved is the biggest issue i have
for me when i came online THAT was when i put on the mask
my internet persona was a sort of power thing for me, it started out innocently enough, just a "i don't care what you think of me and i make sure you know that"
my therapist suggested it
i....
i don't know if you were around for gelgarin, actually
but he was an old writer for res who had a very narcissistic and better-than-you attitude
trod on a lot of toes
eventually quit after writing this big ole manifesto
but the entire thing was a persona
and he quit because it was exhausting and tiring and honestly affecting his irl life
and i guess all this to say is that that was what russett/okami was for me i suppose?

some stupid punk asshole who acted like he was tough shit and better than you because he'd been there longer, seen everything, res had gone to hell and no one was around so why give a damn being a decent person anymore ya know
and it just.....toxified
thats not a word but its the feeling
i got the reputation for being mean and sarcastic and bitchy
and i felt like i had to keep it up because otherwise people would......idk, really
like
be disappointed?
not notice me maybe???? idfk
i was a dumb suicidal 18 year old who was bullied and used the internet to have some modicum of presence and power
and abused the hell outta it
and then i got banned and was let back and things were good for a bit
and then people kept.....commenting
how much nicer i was
how they didnt expect this
and some people would say it was all just an act obviously
cant please everyone
and i shouldve listened to the ones who were made happier by me being kinder and happier and a better influence but i didnt
and so things just got worse again
and i didnt even know how to take off the mask irl until i lost my grandfather who raised me and my now ex-fiance
because i treated him the way i treated res
as an outlet for my frustration and sorrow and shit
but months before that happened i got banned obvs
made clear i wasnt welcome back
i actually havent opened skype since dess' last message because i was too afraid
but idk kina
i just
you gotta do what you feel is right for you and the job and res and shit
but i wanted you to know that like.....things are better for me
im better
lost a lot but its good
got some healthier coping mechanisms and support systems than a pet site now which, honestly? first step right there
so like....idk
feel free to ban me and let staff know "hey russ was Occultist all along"
but like....
i know i dont deserve another shot
god knows i didnt deserve the last however many
i just wanted at least someone to know i've changed and got closure
and if i get to stay on res as occultist and help newbies that'd be great but if not i at least got to close the door
monologue over cuz ur typin sorry LMAO
(my therapist yelled at me about this so there u go sabrina)
okay i'm actually having a mild to major panic attack
KinaToday at 12:58 PM
Honestly I won’t say anything. You’re starting new. Starting fresh. You’re in a better spot in life. And I believe you deserve another chance. Because I understand. It’s a tough world out there. And I know I said I’m real with people online. But I guess there’s also an extent to that. I do kind of have a mask online. I mean I’m a nice personal overall haha. There is nothing wrong with being nice. But I can lay the hammer down if I need too. I can be a real bitch xD. But I do hide the fact that I have struggled with depression and eating disorders and self harm and attempted suicide from people online. I mean if someone were to ask me sure I’d be open about it. But I just don’t feel like people care that much about me to actually give a damn. At least the res user base. Which is fine I know a lot of people are fake mainly because I’m staff. Everyone wants to be friends with staff. I was that person before who wanted to be friends with staff so I get it xD I’m moving this month and I plan to get therapy. And start working out. So I’m working on bettering myself too. And I’ve done some things on res before got myself IP banned a long time ago. Got sb banned when I first joined back because I was being a total asshole lmao.
OccultistToday at 12:59 PM
okay
KinaToday at 12:59 PM
*person not personal :rolling_eyes:
OccultistToday at 12:59 PM
im good
sorry i was just about to ask you to like copy-cut and lemme know verdict before i knock myself out hyperventilating LMAO
KinaToday at 1:00 PM
Oh gosh sorry I didn’t mean to worry you lol
OccultistToday at 1:00 PM
no its okay
i figured it was either like
"major heart to heart or huge reprimand"
like it was one or the other XD
okay just
two secs
lemme get pulse straight again
:joy:
but thank you kina
KinaToday at 1:01 PM
Hahaha I know that feeling all too well xD
OccultistToday at 1:01 PM
i really respect this
and i promise this chance will be my last
i think the biggest issue i had with res was like....
even when i came back, i had that mask already made
now i don't have that pressure?
like, i can just be myself
occultist is legitimately more me than i ever was on russett
so thank you :heart:
KinaToday at 1:02 PM
Being yourself is good. You may have moments but everyone has moments. Trust me I’ve had a meltdown or two in the sb before LMAO. I’m a mess.