skyrim races

bando bando
yes bard
playing skyrim?
no, bard
telling lies?
FUCK OFF BARD I DON'T PLAY SKYRIM BUT HERE'S YOUR RACES YOU *WHORE*
open your mouth
NO

numbers in parenthesis are detect balance ratings, words in brackets are comments
also i'm not doing languages, age, size, etc. because i don't fucking know skyrim lore
## Altmer
+2 int, +1 cha (10) [they really feel like ~~batman~~ wizards, so int makes sense to me. since all the other arcane classes use cha, however, it makes sense that their other ASI is charisma]
advantage on saves against exhaustion (2 or maybe 4) [you don't actually see saves against exhaustion all that often, in my experience; usually it either happens or it doesn't. so, i'm calling it "situational" at a 2, but you might maybe say it's 4 for "common"]
knows one 1st level wizard or sorcerer spell of their choice, using that class's casting stat, and can cast it once per long rest. (4?) [level 1 spell 1/day is 3, but this is a spell of choice, so, bumping it up 1 point makes sense to me]
HIGHBORN: 1/shortrest they can either recover a 1st level spell slot if they have any, or they can regain their use of their spell thing (4) [it's a pretty good feature, but i don't think it's good enough to call it 8]
proficiencies: arcana, deception (4) [they get very high illusion so deception prof makes sense, and the rest of their skills are ALLL magic types, so, yeah, arcana makes sense)
OVERALL ON DB: 24-26 [about average for a race, yeah. if it's too low for your tastes you can probably throw a wiz or sorc cantrip on to bump it to like 26-28]

## Argonian, the only race that fucking matters
+2 dex, +1 con (12) [they get a FUCKTON of rogue-like shit that makes dex make sense, but they're also hardy enough to where i think they deserve a con bonus]
immune to disease (1) [this is a ribbon. you can make it adv. against disease if you like, which is closer to how they actually are, but it doens't affect its DB rating]
amphibious (2) [no explanation needed]
1d4 unarmed strikes (1) [could also do 1d6 if you like, which is worth 2]
disadvantage on saving throws made to avoid negative effects from cold temperatures (-1) [this is mainly exhaustion and also basically a ribbon. i'm not putting vulnerability on a race.]
HISTSKIN: either bonus action regain 1 hp at the start of each turn for 1 minute (so it's 10 hp always), or second wind but it's level+con instead of level+1d10. MAYBE make it long rest, too? (6?) [it's pretty good either way, 6 is in the middle of "Really good" and "AHHH THIS IS TOO GOOD"]
proficiencies: thieves' tools, sleight of hand, stealth, and maybe light armor too (6) [1 for tool, 4 for the skills, 1 for light armor)
OVERALL ON DB: 27 [about average, yeah. could be worth up to 30 if you count histskin as 8 and go for 1d6 claws, or down to 25 if you count histskin as 4]

## Bosmer
frankly, you should probably actually just use wood elves? but i'll write up a thing for them anyways

+2 dex +1 wis (12) [same as wood elves, but i do think it fits bosmers]
poison resistance and adv + disease immunity (6) [they're basically the same thing so i just collapsed them into one]
adv against exhaust (2) [see altmer]
COMMAND ANIMAL: animal friendship 1/day. (3) [alternatively, you can use dominate beast, which is like an 8 on DB]
proficiencies: light armor, sleight of hand, stealth, choice of thieves tools or alchemy supplies, longbows n shortbows (8) [1+4+1+2 respectively]
OVERALL ON DB: 31 [they're a little overtuned but not by a large margin. i do think wood elves are a bit of a better fit though. you could also probably remove one of their proficiencies if you like]

## Breton
+2 con +1 int (12) [they're hardy fuckers]
1/rest when you take damage from a spell, you can use your reaction to gain resistance to that instance of damage (6?) [this is the BEST i have for spell resistance. i put it as 6 because it'll honestly depend on your campaign; some it's more like a 4 because mages don't show up much, some its 8 because you're playing Final Fantasy and there's fucking magic everywhere]
DRAGONSKIN: 1/rest when you get hit by a cantrip, you can use your reaction to learn that cantrip, using int as your casting mod (4) [this is the closest i have to it, it's really hard to convert, but this sounds actually pretty cool. might be more like 2 or 3 rather than 4, i'm just going conservative here]
proficiencies: alchemy tools, arcana, persuasion (5) [1+4, they get Speech which i figure is something like persuasion]
OVERALL ON DB: 27 (could be up to 29 if you keep dskin as 4 and call the resistance an 8, or down to 23 if you think cantrip is worth 2 and the resistance is 4)

## Dunmer
+2 str +1 cha (12) [i don't know their lore but they seem to like breaking shit so barb makes sense, as does sorc for theri magic]
fire resistance (4) [yeah]
adv against exhaust (2) [is everyone in this fucking continent besides argonians resistant to exhaustion]
ANCESTOR'S WRATH: honestly? just give them hellish rebuke (maybe at 2nd level?) 1/day, using cha as casting mod (3-4) [4 is if you make it at 2nd level]
proficiencies: arcana, light armor, stealth, alchemy supplies (6) [2+1+2+1]
OVERALL ON DB: 27-28 [could also argue it's actually 25-26 if you think +2 str and +1 cha is nonsynergetic, which, it kIND OF is, but, paladins DO exist, so]

## Imperial Scum
+2 cha, +1 int (10) [sort of just a guess but from the skills they seem to be smart folks)
imperial fuckin' luck: when you make a check to tell the value of something, loot something (like a corpse or chest or whatever), or lie to someone about the price of something, add your prof bonus, and get expertise in it (2) [this is basically Stonecunning from dwarf, but for lying and searching for money. this is the only explanation i can think of for imperial luck in 5e; more money doesn't just pop into existence, but rather, you know where the fuck to look for it, and how to lie about prices to people to get more money from them]
VOICE OF THE EMPEROR: CALM FUCKING EMOTIONS 1/DAY WHICH USES CHA OR INT (4) [YEAH I KNOW I'M REALLY CALM ALSO THIS FITS VERY WELL]
proficiencies: light and medium armor, shields, arcana (6) [wow, these guys are like perfect fucking sorcerers aren't they]
OVERALL ON DB: 22
BUT ACTUALLY I'M RATING THEM MORE LIKE 28-ISH [my reason for doing so is that their stats are perfect for casters, and they get the nice armors that casters like]

## Khajiit
tabaxi
no i'm serious
these guys are really just tabaxi but without the burst of speed
i'm not giving them stats

## Nord
+2 con, +1 str (12) [yep. could also do +2 str +1 con, i guess]
cold resistance (3) [no debates. cold resistance also makes you adapted to cold climates, so, this covers warmth, too]
BATTLE CRY: can cast *fear* 1/day, with only verbal components, and it doesn't work on fuckst hat don't hear you. strength for casting stat (5) [yeah this is the best i can get, really. it's pretty good, though. ]
proficiencies: simple and martial weapons, smith's tools, light armor, persuasion (9?) [there's nothing for blanket simple and martial proficiency, only being 2 for some of choice of both types, but frankly, 2 martials of choice versus 200 martials of choice is basically the same thing]
OVERALL ON DB: 29? [you can probably say that you don't need simple profs because wow those are worthless, so it's more like 27]

## Orc
+2 str +1 con (12) [ye]
ADVANTAGE AGAINST GUESS WHAT **EXHAUSTION**, can do twice as long without food or water, adapted to cold climates (4) [bunch of ribbons, on orcs???? what is this blasphemy]
BERSERKER RAGE: barbarian rage except for it only lasts a single round (ends at start of your next turn) and the rage damage bonus is prof bonus (8) [even at just one round this is REALLY good, but it's the only thing i can do to give them this rage shit]
proficiencies: light and medium armor, shields, simple and martial weapons [5] (this is supposed to be like 10 but due to anti-synergy it's halved. these guys give a lot of good shit for casters in profs, but berserker rage + the ASI are shit for casters)
OVERALL ON DB: 29 [they're a bit overtuned, but, even then, since brage is only one round, maybe i misjudged it, and it's more like 27 or 25.]

## Redguard
+2 con, +1 dex (12) [they get proficiency in archery so +1 dex. yes]
poison resist and adv (5) [hi dwarf]
ADRENALINE RUSH: can take the dash action as a BA 1/day (3?) [maybe it doens't need to be 1/day because tabaxi gets a much better thing, but 1/day is technically more accurate to how the power is. up to you]
proficiencies: simple weapons, martial weapons, smith's tools (5) [could maybe get like shields or some shit because they get + to block?]
OVERALL ON DB: 25?

## Elders
+99999 to all stats (1)
regains 100% hp every turn (0)
never ages (-100)
knows where todd howard lives (+9999)
never attractive (-9999)
OVERALL ON DB: -99 [they're pretty underpowered, tbh, i can't believe todd howard signed off on this]