Something serious and drastic. I’ve decided I want to die. I want to be with Lucina again and this is the only way I know how. There won’t be a day that’ll go by where I won’t miss her, so why not make it simple? I’m not even trying to be attention seeking, or dramatic, just open about it. So realistically, writing a tumblr post about it is a really dumb idea, but I feel at least one follower will notice and then someone will know what happened.
Here’s the plan, in the whole scheme of things:
I’m going to drown. Like her. I want to feel how she felt when she died. I don’t know when, but not tonight. Soon.
My mom told me a few months ago that anyone who commits suicide is selfish and wrong, because they’re not thinking about how other people feel. But she’s wrong. I’m thinking about how all of my friends will feel, especially with Lucina’s death still so recent, but I don’t care. I can imagine how it’d feel to lose Abeni or John or Alex or anyone else I love more than anything in the world, but Lucina was a whole part of me, just as they all are, so this is tearing me up. I know it’s tearing a lot of other people up too, but I’m not strong like they are. I’m not capable of getting through this like them. I’m just…not.
I’ve cried so much tonight. I can only cry when I’m alone, for some reason. Or when other people are crying. I don’t know why, that’s just how it is. And there we’re a bunch of people over at my house, but they all left around 10ish, so for the past two hours, I’ve been alone. I can’t be alone like this, because all I really did was cry and cry and wish it was me instead of her. That’s all I’ve done since they left. I’m tired of crying. I really am. I can’t…I just can’t take the crying anymore. It’s too much for me to handle.
But my main thought is, why her? Out of all of the people on this earth, why Lucina? If I ever believed there was such thing as a god before, I sure as hell don’t believe that now.
I need to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
I love you all.