Four Words (Hanako)

Four Words

06/17/2012




Hanako whispers those four words she's been practicing for the last hour again.  She looks at the scarring on her hand.  She closes her eyes and feels the scarring on her face.  These are the things that have kept so many away in the decade since the fire.  But this boy, as if a Godsend, came into her life a few months ago.  He looked past her scarring and befriended her.  She cherishes his company, even though most of the time her heart and breathing is erratic near him.  That first time in the library, or the first few time in the tea room, or even seeing him in class makes her heart skip a beat.  She has gotten better now whenever she is close to him.  Like when she's hopping on the floor tiles in the hallway slightly behind him, an occasional game of chess, or the times at the Shanghai.  The beautiful fireworks that festival night.  That's the night she thinks of him as a friend.  Now, more than a friend.  She finally admitted to her therapist how special he was to her.  She wordlessly mouths those four words again.  A panic on her mind now.  What if … what if … what if he rejects me? she thought to herself.  Would she lose one of her closest friends forever?  No!  He isn't like that.  She will tell him.  She has to tell him.  Even if it is unrequited, she must know.  To live the rest of her life with a what might have been scenario would be a worse torment than his rejection.

The years of solitude, years of loneliness, the years of escaping into the world of books to hide from the stares of people, the hours and days and years of waiting for her life on hold to resume … they all seem to disappear when she thinks about him.  And only him.  Lilly is her dear friend, as is Akira, but she knows there is a part of her heart they will never reach.  Never fulfill.  Hisao can, she hopes.   She says those four words again.  She sighs.  She says them again.  And sighs again.  She mouths those four words silently once more.  Her heartbeat is racing.  Not good, she thought.  She sighs again, to calm herself and heart.  Who is she kidding, she thought.  She is just biding for more time.  An anger rising through her.  Her fears and insecurities are holding her back from letting her heart speak.

When he clutched at his heart during the walk into town … she knew.  She knew how strong her feelings for him are.  The thought of losing him hurts.  A lot.  It still pains her heart remembering his grimacing face on his knees.  A lonely tear escape one of her eyes.  How it hurts to remember his eyes rolling back to reveal naught but white as he lost consciousness.  In her arm as she sobbed and screamed his name.  She whispers the four words again.  And again.  And again, even stronger.  She has to tell him.  She will tell him.  She mouths the four words again with conviction.  She wipes away the tears on her face with determination.  Satisfied that her resolve is as good as it will be, she gets up from the bed and musters up the courage to open the door.  This is it, she thought, she will be crossing the threshold and approach the futon he has been resting on.  She will tell him.  She has to tell him.  Walking towards the living room with her eyes fixated on the floor of Lilly's family's summer home, an act trained from years of the fear of others.  It is how she navigates the world without facing the stares of judgmental eyes.  Only Hisao's eyes (aside from Lilly or Akira) were the ones that didn't judge.  His eyes.  How she often gets lost in thought staring at them.  A blush creeping up on her cheeks.

She finally arrives in the living room and say the words she has wanted to say for all her life.  “I love you, Hisao.”  She looks up to the futon and her heart sinks upon seeing it empty.  It's okay she tells herself.  She will tell him.  She has to tell him.  She just has to wait until she can be alone with him.  She says those four words again.  A smile and blush fills her face.  I love you, Hisao.  They make her so happy just to say.  She also realize she didn't stutter when she said it.  Because it came from the heart, she tells herself.  She will definitely tell him.  She just has to wait for the right time later.  She's waited all her life for him, what's a little more waiting?