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Coyo and the Holy Grail

Coyo Aug 26th, 2018 (edited) 159 Never
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  1. > ̶M̶o̶n̶t̶y̶ ̶P̶y̶t̶h̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶H̶o̶l̶y̶ ̶G̶r̶a̶i̶l̶
  2. >Coyo and the Holy Grail
  3. >Also known as The Story ThePumpkinDukeXD Hasn’t Stolen Yet
  5. >England 932 A.D.
  6. >A foggy plain comes into view
  7. >No one can be seen through the thick fog that only allows for a few feet of visibility
  8. >In the distance, the sound of hooves can be heard, steadily growing louder with each second.
  9. >Cutting through the fog, a man can be seen prancing through the fog followed by a second man beating coconuts together
  10. >”Woah there!” shouts the prancing man, showing his low budget kingly/knightly attire
  11. >His follower soften his hits to make it seem as if though the imaginary horse he’s riding actually slowed down
  12. >A castle can be seen in the distance through the fog that really shouldn’t let them see that far
  13. >The two continue towards it, the beating of the coconuts following the motions of king’s prances
  14. >Arriving to the wall of the castle, a soldier on the wall yells at them to stop
  15. >Soldier: ”Who goes there!?”
  16. >Arthur: ”It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!”
  17. >Soldier: “Pull the other one!”
  18. >A: ”I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master!”
  19. >S: ”What?! Ridden on a horse?”
  20. >A: ”Yes!”
  21. >S: ”You’re using coconuts!”
  22. >A: ”What?”
  23. >S: ”You’ve got two empty halves of a coconut and you’re bangin’ ‘em together.”
  24. >A: ”So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through—”
  25. >S: ”Why didn’t you use an actual horse? Or a centaur?”
  26. >A: ”What do mean?”
  27. >S: ”Why do you need someone to bang coconuts and pretend to ride a horse instead of getting an actual one? Or just a centaur to act as both the horse and your squire?”
  28. >A: ”We couldn’t afford it.”
  29. >S: ”You’re telling me the King of the Britons, Sovereign of all England, can’t afford a mode of transportation? And instead has to have a man beat on coconuts to act as if he is? How do you explain that? Let alone the coconuts.”
  30. >A: ”We didn’t have the budget to rent out the horses for the movie this greentext is based off, so we had to use an alternative! And although it is true that a centaur would be useful, we’d risk triggering the social justice monster community and be called insensitive pricks for forcing one to act as a mere mode of transportation!”
  31. >S: ”Then how do you explain the coconuts?!”
  32. >A: ”We found them!”
  33. >S: ”Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!”
  34. >A: ”What do you mean?
  35. >S: ”Well, this is a temperate zone.”
  36. >A: ”The Harpy may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
  37. >S: ”Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?”
  38. >A: ”Not at all. They could be carried.”
  39. >S: ”Are you suggesting a Harpy carried a coconut all the way over here? What kind of Harpy would even come across a coconut and decide to bring it along?!”
  40. >A: ”Perhaps a swallow!”
  41. >S: ”A blowjob Harpy? Really!? Why would they even bring one on a transcontinental flight?”
  42. >A: ”Perhaps to help keep them from getting hungry during their travels.”
  43. >S: ”How would they be able to eat midflight? They’d have to land first and at that point they can just scavenge for something along the way. It makes no sense to bring an entire coconut to weigh them down as they migrate.”
  44. >A: ”Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?”
  45. >S: ”Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a BJ Harpy needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?”
  46. >A: ”Please!”
  47. >S: ”Am I right?”
  48. >A: ”I’m not interested!”
  49. >A second soldier appears
  50. >Second Soldier: ”It could be carried by an Gyaru BJ Harpy!”
  51. >S: ”Oh, yeah, they might actually do it since they usually carry things around, but not a European BJ Harpy.”
  52. >SS: ”Oh, yeah, I agree with that.”
  53. >A: “Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!”
  54. >S: “But then of course, uh, Gyaru BJ Harpies are non-migratory.”
  55. >SS: “Oh, yeah.”
  56. >S: “So they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.”
  57. >King Arthur and Patsy begin to head away from the castle, the sound of the coconuts clopping together as they do so.
  58. >The eye on the hilt of Excalibur looked up at Arthur before speaking to its master
  59. >Excalibur: ”Well, we’re off to a good start…”
  61. ***
  63. >Arthur is now in a slightly less foggy plain with Patsy, prancing past a few people and heading towards someone hauling a cart
  64. >A: “Old woman!”
  65. >Person: “Man!”
  66. >A: “Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?”
  67. >Person: “I’m thirty-seven.”
  68. >A: “I- what?”
  69. >Person: “I’m thirty-seven. I’m not old.”
  70. >A: “Well, I can’t just call you ‘Man’.”
  71. >Person: “Well, you could say ‘Dennis’.”
  72. >A: “Well I didn’t know you were called ‘Dennis’.”
  73. >Dennis: “Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?”
  74. >A: “I did say ‘sorry’ about the ‘old woman’, but from the behind you looked-“
  75. >D: “What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!”
  76. >A: “Well, I am King!”
  77. >D: “Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the-“
  78. >A woman, that’s really just a man pretending to be a woman, on ground can be seen digging through the dirt
  79. >Woman: “Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?”
  80. >A: “How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?”
  81. >W: “King of the who?”
  82. >A: “The Britons.”
  83. >Excalibur: “Not this again…”
  84. >W: “Who are the Britons?”
  85. >A: “Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.”
  86. >W: “I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.”
  87. >Ex: “You don’t. He just thinks he’s your king.”
  88. >W: “Not our king? Then who is he?”
  89. >D: “He’s a dictator! It’s a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-“
  90. >W: “Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.”
  91. >D: “That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-“
  92. >A: “Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?”
  93. >W: “No one lives there.”
  94. >A: “Then who is your lord?”
  95. >W: “We don’t have a lord?”
  96. >A: “What?”
  97. >Ex: “We should just leave.”
  98. >D: “I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week...”
  99. >A: “Yes.”
  100. >D: “...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...”
  101. >A: “Yes, I see.”
  102. >D: “...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...”
  103. >A: “Be quiet!”
  104. >D: “…but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-“
  105. >A: “Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!”
  106. >W: “Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.”
  107. >A: “I am your king!”
  108. >Ex: “No you aren’t!”
  109. >W: “Well, I didn't vote for you.”
  110. >A: “You don't vote for kings.”
  111. >W: “Well, how did you become King, then?”
  112. >A: “The Lady of the Lake...”
  113. >Angels begin to sing in the background
  114. >A: “...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.”
  115. >The angels stop
  116. >A: “That is why I am your king!”
  117. >Ex: “That isn’t what happened at all you dunce! I lost a bet against an Undine! Because of that she cursed me to be stuck in this form until my name is called out by whoever wields me! And my name is Eunice, not Excalibur!”
  118. >D: “Why would she even give you to him?”
  119. >Ex: “A cart carrying several barrels of wine tipped over and dumped into the lake she resides.”
  120. >W: “So you’re saying she was drunk when this happened?”
  121. >Ex: “How else would you explain it?”
  122. >A: “Who are you all talking to?”
  123. >D: “Your sword! Can’t you hear her?”
  124. >A: “You’re speaking to a sword? How absurd!”
  125. >D: “She was speaking just now! You’re carrying around a magic sword given to you by a strange woman lying in a pond that told you that you were king, which is no basis for a system of government, and that’s all fine and dandy, but a talking sword is unbelievable?”
  126. >Ex: “He’s an idiot. He think’s I’m just a voice in his head.”
  127. >D: “He’s mad!”
  128. >A: “Be quiet!”
  129. >D: “Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery drunken tart threw a talking sword at you!”
  130. >A: “Shut up!”
  131. >D: “I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some inebriated moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!”
  132. >A: “Shut up, will you? Shut up!”
  133. >Arthur steps towards the man and begins to hit him
  134. >D: “Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.”
  135. >After a few hits, Arthur and Patsy leave
  136. >D: “Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?”
  138. ***
  140. >King Arthur can be seen prancing through a wooded area.
  141. >The two eventually arrive to a small clearing by a bridge where two armored beings can be seen fighting each other.
  142. >One bearing a green cloth over their armor as the other was pitch black
  143. >Swords clash, resounding with each blow
  144. >A swing from the green knight being blocked by the opponent’s sword
  145. >Stepping towards them, the green knight slides his sword up and bashes the hilt of his sword into the black knight’s helmet, causing them to step back as he prepares for a swing.
  146. >The two continue to fight, narrowly dodging blows from each other until the black knight manages disarm their opponent
  147. >Before being able to strike the final blow, the green knight manages to roll to the side, rising up and swinging his gauntlet to the side of the black knight’s helmet and knocking them to the ground.
  148. >Obtaining a flail located conveniently nearby, the green knight swings it down onto his grounded opponent, but somehow misses a stationary target.
  149. >This is probably his first time using the damn thing
  150. >Grabbing onto the handle, the black knight pulls him toward them and uses their leg to launch them upwards into the air
  151. >King Arthur, Patsy, and even Excalibur are impressed
  152. >At some point the green knight saw how terribly he was doing with the flail and decided it would be best to switch to a small axe
  153. >Probably from the same mysterious place he got the flail
  154. >Running towards the black knight, the green knight screams with his weapon raised above his head
  155. >Spotting him from  a fair distance away, the black knight throws his sword towards him and miraculously manages to impale him through the eye slots of his helmet
  156. >How they managed to do that but miss every previous swing is beyond comprehension
  157. >King Arthur nods to Patsy, marveling at the skills the knight displayed
  158. >Prancing up to black knight who is now standing in front of the world’s shortest bridge
  159. >Seriously, they could probably jump across it if they had a running start
  160. >Or just go upstream until they could just cross to the other side
  161. >But who cares
  162. >A: “You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.”
  163. >The black knight does not utter a word
  164. >A: “I am Arthur, King of the Britons.”
  165. >The knight says nothing
  166. >A: “I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.”
  167. >Nada
  168. >Seriously, dead people react more than this knight
  169. >A: “You have proven yourself worthy. Will you join me?”
  170. >Silence
  171. >A: “You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.”
  172. >Black Knight: “None shall pass.”
  173. >The feminine voice that came forth from the knight surprised them all
  174. >A: “What?”
  175. >BK… yes like Burger King: “None shall pass.”
  176. >A: “I have no quarrel with you, good S- Lady Knight, but I must cross this bridge.”
  177. >BK: “Then you shall die.”
  178. >A: “I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!”
  179. >Ex: “How many times do I have to tell you! You’re not the king!”
  180. >BK: “I move for no man.”
  181. >A: “So be it!”
  182. >Arthur draws his sword, the Black Knight doing the same, swinging her sword to be parried by Excalibur
  183. >Ex: “Finally, some action!”
  184. >The Black Knight swung at Arthur several times, each time missing by Arthur’s dodges or blocked by Excalibur
  185. >Swinging towards the ground, the Black Knight impales their sword into the ground, allowing Arthur to bash the backside of her head with the hilt of his sword
  186. >Ex: “OUCH! Hey asshole! That’s my head, that hurts!”
  187. >The two continue to trade blows until King Arthur manages to strike the Black Knight’s arm and cut it clean off
  188. >Her arm falls limply to the floor, revealing it to be empty
  189. >A: “Now stand aside, worthy adversary.”
  190. >BK: “Tis but a scratch.”
  191. >A: “A scratch? Your arm’s off!”
  192. >Ex: “Hey! Fuckface! She’s a Living Armor! She can just put it back on!”
  193. >BK: “I can?!”
  194. >Excalibur stared at the Living Armor in disbelief
  195. >Ex: “… dear god… I’m surrounded by idiots.”
  196. >A: “You can what?”
  197. >BK: “Nothing. I’ve had worse injuries.”
  198. >A: “You liar!”
  199. >BK: “Come on, you pansy!”
  200. >The black knight continues it battle with King Arthur, attempting to strike him one-handed.
  201. >Eventually, the black knight lunges towards him, to which Arthur dodges and slices off her other arm
  202. >A: “Victory is mine!”
  203. >Arthur then kneels
  204. >” We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer-“
  205. >BK: “Hah!”
  206. >The Black Knight proceeds to kick King Arthur’s face
  207. >Ex: “Ha! Serves you right!”
  208. >The Black Knight continues to kick Arthur while he’s down on the ground
  209. >BK: “Have at you!”
  210. >Once again, she kicks him
  211. >A: “Eh. You are indeed brave, Si- Lady Knight, but the fight is mine.”
  212. >BK: “Oh, had enough, eh?”
  213. >A: “Look, you stupid bitch! You’ve got no arms left.”
  214. >BK: “Yes, I have.”
  215. >King Arthur points to the arms on the ground
  216. >A: “Look!”
  217. >BK: “Just a flesh wound.”
  218. >Ex: “You don’t even have any flesh!”
  219. >The black knight return to kicking much to King Arthur’s annoyance
  220. >Arthur proceeds to cut off her leg
  221. >BK: “Right. I’ll do you for that!”
  222. >A: “You’ll what?!”
  223. >BK: “Come here!”
  224. >A: “What are you going to do, bleed on me?”
  225. >Ex: “She physically can’t bleed! How is she losing? Just attach your limbs back on!”
  226. >BK: “I’m invincible!”
  227. >A: “You’re a looney.”
  228. >BK: “The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.”
  229. >The black knight hops over to Arthur, repeatedly trying defeat him despite not having any limbs to attack him with, until Arthur swings his sword to chop off her last leg.
  230. >BK: “Oh? All right, we’ll call it a draw.”
  231. >Ex: “I swear… how did you lose to this idiot…”
  232. >A: “Come, Patsy.”
  233. >King Arthur and Patsy cross the bridge and continue on their quest
  234. >BK: “Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!”
  235. >Ex: “With what teeth!?”
  236. >Her body parts can be seen slowly dragging themselves to the stump that is the stump of her body
  238. ***
  240. >Throughout the journey, many knights joined King Arthur.
  241. >The first the wise Sir Bedevere, who’s scene was in the movie but the writer of this greentext was too lazy to add since it would make this greentext much longer than it was already becoming.
  242. >The other knights that followed were Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film-or-greentext. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: The Knights of the Round Table.
  244. ***
  246. >The knights can be seen prancing along on a sunny day which is terribly unusual in England when thunder could suddenly be heard.
  247. >A voice of a man could be heard, as a bright light could be seen shining though the clouds
  248. >And for once, it wasn’t the sun
  249. >Voice: “Arthur!”
  250. >Looking up at the sky, we see the image of SnowDrakE made out of cardboard cutouts that would make South Park look like it had the funding of a James Cameron movie.
  251. >The group begins to kneel at the sight of the holy German in the sky
  252. >SnowDrakE: “Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.”
  253. >A: “Sorry.”
  254. >Thunder
  255. >SD: “And don’t apologize. I’ve already had to deal with enough idiots pretending to apologize for plagiarizing and shit.”
  256. >Another boom of thunder
  257. >SD: “What are you doing now?!”
  258. >A: “I'm averting my eyes, O Lord”
  259. >SD: “Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off! If you really want to show your respect, pour a pint in my name at the next pub.”
  260. >A: “Yes, Lord.”
  261. >SD: “Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.”
  262. >A: “Good idea, O Lord!”
  263. >SD: “’Course it’s a good idea! Behold!”
  264. >The image of SnowDrakE fades, revealing the image of a golden chalice
  265. >The sound of angels from the earlier scene can be heard singing once again
  266. >SD: “Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail.”
  267. >The image of SnowDrakE returns, looking down at the group
  268. >SD: “That is your purpose, Arthur: the quest for the Holy Grail.”
  269. >SnowDrakE disappears from the opening in the clouds as they begin to close
  270. >The angels stop singing, as it is time for their union mandated break
  271. >Lancelot: “A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!”
  272. >Galahad: “God be praised!”
  273. >A mumbling can be heard from the clouds
  274. >SD: “Oh Stille. Ich weiß, es ist Zeit für deinen Spaziergang.”
  276. ***
  278. >The knights continue on their journey, now in search of the Holy Grail
  279. >They faced several challenges and perils along the way
  280. >Such as meeting the Wonderland Guards where a Cheshire claimed Arthur’s mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries.
  281. >Or the time Galahad had been lured into Castle Anthrax which housed several Dark Priests who filled him with temptations
  282. >And then when Lancelot murdered half the guests in a castle to save an Alp who was being forced into marriage, even kicking the Holsty bride in the chest, almost ruining her huge… tracts o’ land.
  283. >Along the way they are joined by Tammy the Dark Mage, who claims to know where the clue to the Grail resides
  284. >But she warns them of a terrible beast that guards the cave in which the clue is located, a beast unlike any they’ve dealt with before
  286. ***
  288. >Following Tammy through the mountainous path, the knights could be seen skipping behind her until she turns around to stop them.
  289. >The squires imitate whinnying and pretending to be nervous
  290. >In order to stay in character, they decide to dismount their imaginary horses in order to continue on foot.
  291. >As they draw nearer to the mouth of the cave which was littered with bones of previous travelers attempting to enter the cave, they all drew their swords at the ready
  292. >Tammy motions to them to slow their approach, kneeling behind a rock formation before looking towards the cave
  293. >Tammy: “Behold the cave of Caerbannog!”
  294. >A: “Right! Keep me covered."
  295. >Galahad: “What with?”
  296. >A: “W- just keep me covered.”
  297. >Ex: “They’re carrying swords you dimwit! You didn’t bring anyone who was any good at archery!”
  298. >Bedevere: “I believe Sir Tristan was the archer in the group.”
  299. >Lancelot: “Yes, but I don’t think we were able to include him in this movie. We didn’t have enough actors. And then having to come up with a scene, we didn’t have the funding for it either.”
  300. >Ex: “But this is a greentext, we don’t need funding!”
  301. >Robin: “Yeah, why couldn’t we just write him in.”
  302. >A: “Who are you all talking to?”
  303. >Tam: “Your sword.”
  304. >A: “Swords can’t talk.”
  305. >Ex: “Actually, why isn’t she providing covering fire? She can literally shoot fire from her staff.”
  306. >Tam: “I can’t do that!”
  307. >Ex: “What do you mean you can’t? We had an entire scene with you using your staff as a flamethrower and shooting rockets!”
  308. >Tam: “We don’t have the budget for it!”
  310. >Tam: “And anyways, we skipped that entire scene. This is just a regular staff, not a prop one with all the fire effects.”
  311. >Ex: “So you’re telling me that you’re just some big boobed bimbo carrying around a wooden stick?!”
  312. >Tam: “Yes!”
  313. >Ex: “What did I do to deserve this…”
  314. >Tam: “Look!”
  315. >A dramatic chord is played as a white-furred wererabbit hopped out onto the scene
  316. >A: “What?”
  317. >Tam: “There she is!”
  318. >A: “Where?”
  319. >Tam: “There!”
  320. >A: “What? Behind the rabbit?”
  321. >Tam: “It IS the rabbit!”
  322. >A: “That?! You silly sod!”
  323. >Tam: “What?”
  324. >A: “You got us all worked up!”
  325. >Tam: “Well, that’s no ordinary rabbit!”
  326. >A: “Ohh.”
  327. >Tam: “That’s the most skanky, lubed up, horny rodent you ever set eyes on!”
  328. >Robin: “You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!”
  329. >Tam: “Look, that rabbits got a ruthless streak a mile wide! It’s a maneater!”
  330. >Galahad: “All your blood must be rushing to your boobs instead of your brain you old hag!”
  331. >Tam: “She’ll do you up a treat, mate.”
  332. >Rob: “What’ll she do? Nibble my ears?”
  333. >Tam: “She’s got these huge, thick – she can leap at you about – look at the bones!”
  334. >A: “Go on, Bors. Shoo her away!”
  335. >Bors: “Right! Silly little bleeder.”
  336. >Bors stood up from the hiding place and began to leisurely walk towards the wererabbit.
  337. >Tam: “LOOK!”
  338. >Just as Bors was about to ask her to leave, the wererabbit pounced him, the chalk covering her fur being left behind in a puff cloud to show her bright pink fur.
  339. >In one swift motion, she undid his pants before he even fell to the ground and rode him at such blinding speeds that only a blur could be seen
  340. >In a matter of seconds he had orgasmed, but she did not stop her motions, continuously humping him until he came again, and again, and again
  341. >He passed out without even knowing what happened.
  342. >A: “JESUS CHRIST!”
  343. >Ex: “Don’t you mean Druella?”
  344. >Tam: “I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them.”
  345. >A: “Oh, shut up!”
  346. >Tam: “Do they listen to me?”
  347. >A: “Right!”
  348. >Tam: “Oh no.”
  349. >Ex: “I hope you die of exhaustion.”
  350. >A: “CHARGE!”
  351. >The group all charged at once towards the beast who was busily fingering her clit
  352. >With a few squeaks, she jumped up from Bor’s body and tackled the group. She bounced between them, undoing their pants and kicking their swords too far for them to use.
  353. >Upon finding a duo close enough to each other, she mounted Ector whilst grabbing onto Gawain’s hips to thrust his crotch into her face.
  354. >Riding and blowing at such incredible speeds, she forced them to empty their balls into her repeatedly until they both lost consciousness in only a matter of seconds.
  355. >A: “RUN AWAY! Run away!”
  356. >The other knights also yelled to run away as they escaped back towards the rock formation
  357. >Tammy laughed at their poor efforts.
  358. >A: “Right, how many did we lose?”
  359. >Lancelot: “Gawain.”
  360. >G: “Ector.”
  361. >A: “And Bors. That’s five.”
  362. >Ex: “Three you idiot! Learn to count!”
  363. >A: “Three. Three. And we better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit’s dynamite.”
  364. >Ex: “Dynamite isn’t a thing yet!”
  365. >Rob: “Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?”
  366. >A: “Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.”
  367. >G: “Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.”
  368. >A: “Like what?”
  369. >G: “Well... ooh.”
  370. >L: “Have we got bows?”
  371. >A: “No.”
  372. >Ex: “We already covered that!”
  373. >L: “We have the Holy Studded Dildo.”
  374. >A: “Yes, of course! The Holy Studded Dildo of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Studded Dildo!”
  375. >Ex: “How long have they been with us?!”
  376. >Brother Maynard is handed an ornate box as holy chanting can be heard in the background
  377. >Since the angels are on another union mandated break, they were not the ones singing this time around.
  378. >Brother Maynard is followed by two other monks, likely the same actors that were just killed a few seconds ago
  379. >Ex: “Did this movie have the funding of a tuna sandwich?”
  380. >Maynard eventually arrives to the knights, handing over the chest to which King Arthur opens to reveal with the cheapest prop consisting of a glitter covered silver cucumber with plastic rubies and sapphires along its length, ending with a cross.
  381. >The chanting ends as Arthur grabs ahold of the dildo.
  382. >A: “How does it, um-- how does it work?”
  383. >L: “I know not, my liege.”
  384. >A: “Consult the Book of Sins!”
  385. >Brother Maynard: “Lust, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.”
  386. >The second brother carrying the book miraculously opens the book to the correct page and begins to read off the verses.
  387. >Second Brother: “And Saint Attila raised the studded dildo up on high, saying, ‘O SnowDrakE, bless this Thy dildo that, with it, Though mayest quell Thine desires to satisfy Thine’s lust.’ And the Snow did grin, watching as it was shared amongst the sisters of the faith and the angels and the Valkyries and the mermaids and the kakuens and the cleaning lady that came in both respects on Wednesdays and the werebats and the large m-”
  388. >BM: “Skip a bit, Brother.”
  389. >SB: “And the Snow spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Sounding Rod. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Studded Dildo of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall fuck it.’”
  390. >BM: “Amen.”
  391. >Knights: “Amen.”
  392. >A: “Right!”
  393. >King Arthur pulls out the sounding rod by the cross which was roughly the length of the entire cucumber and began to count.
  394. >A: “One!... Two!... Five!”
  395. >G: “Three, sir!”
  396. >A: “Three!”
  397. >Lobbing the dildo into the air, it landed besides the March Hare
  398. >The angels that finally finished with their union mandated break could be heard singing once again in the background as the March Hare approached the phallic object
  399. >Upon seeing its shape, she immediately began to masturbate with it, at similar speeds as she had with the men
  400. >In a matter of seconds, it was she who orgasmed this time, as the Holy Studded Dildo filled her with it’s Holy Water.
  401. >But this did not stop her, she continued her efforts, rolling into another orgasm every few seconds as she thrust the object into herself, filling herself with its Holy Water repeatedly.
  402. >After a few minutes, she passed out, lying in a puddle of her own juices mixed in with the holy water of the Holy Studded Dildo.
  404. ***
  406. >Entering the cave with torches they previously did not have, the group began to search for the clue that would lead them to the grail
  407. >In a manner of minutes, they miraculously find the literal writing on the wall which was their clue.
  408. >A: “There, look!”
  409. >L: “What does it say?”
  410. >Ex: “Don’t ask Arthur. I doubt he can even read…”
  411. >G: “What language is that?”
  412. >A: “Brother Maynard! You are a scholar.”
  413. >Brother Maynard steps forward to look upon the carved message
  414. >BM: “It’s Aramaic!”
  415. >G: “Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!”
  416. >L: “’Course!”
  417. >A: “What does it say?”
  418. >BM: “It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaarrrrggh'.”
  419. >A: “What?”
  420. >BM: “'...The Castle of aaarrrrggh'.”
  421. >Bedevere: “What is that?”
  422. >BM: “He must have died while carving it.”
  423. >Ex: “You can’t be serious.”
  424. >L: “Oh, come on!”
  425. >BM: “Well, that’s what it says.”
  426. >A: “Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aarrggh'. He'd just say it!”
  427. >BM: “Well, that's what's carved in the rock!”
  428. >G: “Perhaps he was dictating.”
  429. >A: “Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?”
  430. >BM: “No, just ‘aaarrrgggghh’.”
  431. >L: “Aaaauugggh.”
  432. >A: “Aarrrggh.”
  433. >B: “Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?”
  434. >G: “Where's that?”
  435. >B: “France, I think.”
  436. >L: “Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?”
  437. >A: “No, that's 'Saint Ives'.”
  438. >L: “Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.”
  439. >Knights: “Iiiiives.”
  440. >Whilst the group contemplated on the meaning of the message, Sir Bedevere had turned around and was shocked by what he saw
  441. >B: “Oooohoohohooo!”
  442. >L: “No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.”
  443. >B: “N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.”
  444. >L: “Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!”
  445. >B: “Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!”
  446. >A: “Oooh!”
  447. >G: “My God!”
  448. >Turning around, we spot a poorly drawn, bipedal, multi-eyed monster roaring at the group. It’s head was a moldy green/blue, seemingly melting off, large sharp teeth, and a pair of horns that seemed bigger than it’s body.
  449. >BM: “It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh!”
  450. >Brother Maynard was dragged down and replaced with an equally poorly animated representation of himself being chewed up by the monster.
  451. > B: “That's it! That's it!”
  452. >A: “Run away!”
  453. >Knights: “Run away!”
  454. >The knight were replaced with a cardboard version of themselves, running away from the Black Beast as it chased them around the cave
  455. >They repeatedly yell “Run Away” as the beast followed them
  456. > As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, Coyo was distracted by a set of tiddies Hound posted, losing his train of thought and ending the Beast’s existence.
  457. >The cartoon peril was no more, and the quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
  458. (If one wishes to see these images, just search for when Coyo states "These are the tiddies" in NSFW_pics)
  460. ***
  462. >Finally exiting the cave, the knights spot an old tattered bridge
  463. >G: “There it is!”
  464. >A: “The Bridge if Death!”
  465. >R: “Oh, great.”
  466. >A: “Look! It’s the Sphinx from scene twenty-four!”
  467. >B: “Isn’t it supposed to be an old man? And what are they doing here?”
  468. >A: “It’s a monster girl greentext, many of the characters have changed. She is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. She will ask each traveler five questions-“
  469. >Ex: “Three!”
  470. >G: “Three questions.”
  471. >A: “Three questions. He who answers the five questions-“
  472. >G: “Three questions.”
  473. >A: “Three questions may cross in safety,”
  474. >R: “What if you get a question wrong?”
  475. >A: “Then you are cast into the Gorge of Writhing Tentacles.”
  476. >R: “Oh, I won’t go.”
  477. >Ex: “That’s what you think.”
  478. >G: “Who’s going to answer the questions?
  479. >A: “Sir Robin!”
  480. >R: “Yes?”
  481. >A: “Brave Sir Robin, you go.”
  482. >Ex: “HAH!”
  483. >R: “Hey! I’ve got an idea. Why doesn’t Lancelot go?”
  484. >L: “Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-“
  485. >A: “No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-“
  486. >G: “Three questions.”
  487. >A: “Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.”
  488. >L: “I understand, my liege.”
  489. >A: “Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. SnowDrakE be with you.
  490. >Lancelot approaches the gilfy sphinx, hearing the ara aras as he draws near
  491. >Sphinx: “Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.”
  492. >L: “Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.”
  493. >S: “What... is your name?”
  494. >L: “My name is 'Sir Lancelot of Camelot'.”
  495. >S: “What… is your quest?”
  496. >L: “To seek the Holy Grail.”
  497. >S: “What… is your favorite color?”
  498. >L: “Blue.”
  499. >S: “Right. Off you go cutie.” She winks
  500. >L: “Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.”
  501. >Seeing how easily Lancelot was able to cross the bridge filled the knights with excitement.
  502. >R: “That’s easy!”
  503. >They all rushed to the bridge so that they could cross, being stopped by the sphinx as she raised he paw to them
  504. >S: “Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see”
  505. >R: “Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.”
  506. >Ex: “You should be.”
  507. >S: “What... is your name?”
  508. >R: “'Sir Robin of Camelot'.”
  509. >S: “What… is your quest?”
  510. >R: “To seek the Holy Grail.”
  511. >S: “What… is Druella’s last name?”
  512. >Sir Robin is about to answer his favorite color when he realizes that the question is different. He pauses, trying to think of what it is, but cannot.
  513. >R: “I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!”
  514. >Robin is launched into the air, falling into the Gorge of Writhing Tentacles as his screams are turned into moans
  515. >The Sphinx covers her mouth as she giggles in amusement
  516. >Sir Galahad steps forward
  517. >S: “Stop! What… is your name?”
  518. >G: “’Sir Galahad of Camelot’.”
  519. >S: “What… is your quest?”
  520. >G: “I seek the Grail.:
  521. >S: “What… is your favorite color?”
  522. >G: “Blue. No, yel- aaaaaauuuggggggghhhhh!”
  523. >Galahad was launched into the air and into the gorge below
  524. >Ex: “Not exactly the brightest group…”
  525. >Arthur stepped forth
  526. >S: “Stop! What… is your name?”
  527. >A: “It is ‘Arthur’, King of the Britons.
  528. >S: “What… is your quest?”
  529. >A: “To seek the Holy Grail.:
  530. >S: “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow Harpy?”
  531. >A: “What do you mean? Gyaru or European?”
  532. >S: “Huh? I- I don’t know that. Aaauuuuugggghh!”
  533. >The sphinx was launched into the air where she fell into the gorge of tentacles
  534. >B: “How do you know so much about swallows?”
  535. >A: “Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.”
  536. >The two cross the bridge and make it to the other side
  537. >Upon reaching the other side, Lancelot is nowhere to be found
  538. >They yell his name repeatedly whilst looking around
  539. >Off in an unknown location, Lancelot can be seen being frisked by an Anubis who is taking her time ‘searching’ his buttocks
  540. >We return to King Arthur and Bedevere who are unable to find Lancelot, when between their screaming, they are interrupted by the voices of angels that are practicing to be in the choir.
  541. >Being lead by the voices, both Arthur and Bedevere follow them across the plains, eventually reaching a lake where a lone Viking style ship docks itself in front of the pair.
  542. >Without asking any questions as any sane person would, the two jump aboard the vessel that steers itself to an unknown location.
  543. >The two eventually arrive to a lone castle standing in the middle of the lake… or perhaps the lake is just a moat. A very large one at that.
  544. >A: “The Castle Arrggh. Our quest is at an end! SnowDrakE be praised!”
  545. >Drawing his sword, Arthur kneeled before the castle, soon to be followed by Bedevere.
  546. >A: “Almighty SnowDrakE, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy-“
  547. >The sound of a catapult can be heard going off
  548. >A: “JESUS CHRIST!”
  549. >Arthur is hit by giant stuffed weresheep doll
  550. >Looking up the walls of the castle, an all too familiar face can be seen smiling down at the duo
  551. >Cheshire Guard: “Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Mister Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we Wonderland girls outwit you a second time!”
  552. >A: “How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which SnowDrakE Himself has guided us”
  553. >CG: “How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us Wonderland folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.”
  554. >Whilst the Cheshire guard was insulting the duo, both Arthur and Bedevere ran up the steps to one of the castle’s entrances, Arthur drawing his sword and banging the hilt against the door.
  555. >Ex: “OW! OW! OW! STOP OW! THAT! OW!”
  556. >A: “In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!”
  557. >CG: “No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!”
  559. >A: “If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!”
  560. >As Arthur finished uttering those words, both were showered in a green sludge made of an unknown substance
  561. >Ex: “HA! Serves you right!”
  562. >A: “In the name of SnowDrakE and the glory of our-“
  563. >Once again, a bucket of similarly green sludge is poured onto them
  564. >The Wonderland guards could be heard laughing up above
  565. >A: “Agh. Right! That settles it!”
  566. >The two begin to walk down the steps as garbage is now being flung at them. Everything from old food to used tampons.
  567. >CG: “Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!”
  568. >A: “Walk away. Just ignore them.”
  569. >Up above the walls, several wonderland guards ranging from Jub Jubs to Jabberwock could be seen laughing at the group as they walked away.
  570. >The Cheshire continued to taunt them
  571. >CG: “And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!”
  572. >Crossing the lake by foot, which begs the question of why they needed a boat to get to the castle in the first place, the prepare for a counterattack
  573. >A: “We shall attack at once!”
  574. >Apparently immediately
  575. >B: “Yes, my liege!”
  576. >A: “Stand by for attack!”
  577. >As Bedevere drew his sword, from behind the hill drums could be heard as several prancing men pretending to be on horses began to appear.
  578. >Even Bedevere is surprised by the sudden appearance of these men
  579. >Many appeared to be knights, most notable by their skipping and being the only ones in full armor
  580. >The majority seemed to be conscripts or lower ranking soldiers carrying their house flags that followed these knights to prepare for battle
  581. >The drums continue to play as these men prepare themselves for battle.
  582. >Unknown structures were being built
  583. >Blacksmiths were hammering down weapons
  584. >Spears were being sharpened
  585. >Helmets were being placed
  586. >The drums stopped
  587. >The army of several hundred men was at the ready
  588. >They stood silently as they waited for Arthur’s command
  589. >A: “Wonderlandians!”
  590. >From a distance, the wonderland girls could still be heard taunting Arthur
  591. >A: “Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of SnowDrakE…”
  592. >The Wonderland Guards could be heard laughing
  593. >A: “...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom SnowDrakE has chosen!”
  594. >The guards are still laughing
  595. >A: “Charge!”
  596. >Ex: “I hope you die.”
  597. >The army of knights and soldier scream, rushing towards the lake along with King Arthur and Bedevere
  598. >Screaming with weapons raised, they approached the lake, only to be cut off by a police car with a wailing siren.
  599. >A Dark Priest steps out of the police car and points to King Arthur
  600. > Dark Priest: “Yes, they’re the ones. I’m sure. They’re the ones that cockblocked me by skipping my section in the greentext.”
  601. >An inspector comes out of the car as well, following the Dark Priest to King Arthur before grabbing him and leading him to the police van that was following the car.
  602. >Inspector: “Come along. Anybody that’s armed must go, too.”
  603. >An English police officer places a rag over Arthur’s head and leads him into the back of the van
  604. >The Dark Priests then points at Bedevere
  605. >DP: “Get that one too.”
  606. >Another officer grabs Bedevere and takes him to the van as well
  607. >The army begins to be pushed back by the officers, all of which are telling them to get back and leave whilst confusing the lot of them
  608. >The police cars drive away
  609. >An officer walks to the cameraman recording everything and pushes it aside by the lens, until a thud is head and the scene ends.
  611. >End
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