so i mean... all throughout my school life all the way up through 9th grade I was always a model student top 2% all that jazz and I actually had skills and hobbies, all good, but I didn't really have a lot of friends and I was always overweight... i wasn't really bullied outright but I knew what was said about me behind closed doors

come freshman year, I just start to glow up a little bit and get more involved, got into clubs and orchestra and started eating "healthier" (we'll get to that). a junior notices me and I get into my first serious relationship. i fell super hard and we spent every single day after school together and his family was great and i felt more home there than at my own house, and he lived in my block... i spent so much time invested in him that I stopped playing my musical instruments or having any hobbies, and I just kept doing everything with and for him and trying to lose weight and i just kind of wrapped my life around him

I go on a vacation to europe the middle of that summer for 3 weeks, everything was great before and we called a few times during, and i eventually get home and see him and i brought them all gifts and everything seems fine... but in the weeks following that the fact that I had an eating disorder was starting to become super apparent, i wasn't eating healthier, i was eating less, until it was almost nothing at all, and he started just kind of pulling away from me and ghosting me but I was too naive to realize it... until he finally dumps me over snapchat after I hadn't gone over in like 2 weeks

this is early august, so there's still about a month before school starts, and it just all hits me like a truck that I pretty much lost everything I used to care about because my entire life was him. i get so depressed I stop eating entirely and I go full anorexic. i weigh like 100 pounds when school starts, could barely carry my books, pulled into the counselors office every day, stayed after school doing homework for hours so i could avoid going home to eat, get tossed around social circles until i realize everyone is afraid of me, and by the time I get pulled out of school I weigh 70 pounds

spend my new home life being forced to eat by my parents until it rebounds into a binge/purge type of ED instead, and then it got harder so it just went full binge... too depressed and lost to do my shitty schoolwork and weighing about as much as i did in middle school now and developing extreme social anxiety over people seeing what happened to me. pushed all my friends away after rejecting to hang out too many times. which is pretty much where i'm at now. my eating has like stabilized but i still weigh way more than I want to and I just can't get a grasp on it without falling into old tactics anymore, my life went in the shithole

i met otaku somewhere along the way through toontown and he's been here for me and he likes me exactly how I am and he makes me happy... i still have a lot of regrets and i'm still pretty lost and impacted by all of that shit but i've found some sort of content with it. i still want to improve if i ever find the strength despite what he says though because I know i've still got a lot of issues with all of this but i'm happy that i'm good enough at least